Because of Her

Chapter 16

Previously on Because of Her...

Iraised my face when shebegan to caress my hair on her chest, I looked at her looking for answers to questions that I hadn't even asked out loud and she looked at me back and as usual, her gaze was unreadable, she was an expert hiding way too well her emotions and feelings, buteven then, I managed to see something there, something I don't know how to name, but it was there and it was overwhelming.

"This has to stop."

"I love you."

We both said in unison

But even before that even happened... Callie was telling her side of the story

"She got furious, lost control even more when I asked for a divorce and then said she wouldn't give it to me, that if I really wanted a divorce I would have to give her half and beyond of everything that I have, she sounded so sure of herself, then she showed me a document signed by me, where I supposedly promised to never be unfaithful, if I did, she would keep half of my hotels, my money and everything I have worked so hard for."

"That's why she suggested the open marriage, didn't she?"

I nodded... how could I be so stupid? "Yes, apparently, she has been planning this from the beginning and everyone saw it, except for me and now she not only wants to keep what is mine, she wants to hurt me, that's why she wants the Hotel in Cartagena."

"Why is that exactly?" She asked and I could see the concern in her eyes, she was leaned towards me, close enough for me to see the freckles in her nose… Dios, I love her.

"Because of you."

At present

While I sit here, reminiscing the events of that particular afternoon, I realize how time passes by in front of my eyes without me being able to do anything about it. One of my best friends is here in the city, marrying the love of her life and while I feel very happy to see her being happy, fulfilling her dreams, I feel envious of her.

I know, that doesn't sound very good coming from the maid of honor, but bare with me, every bride, has a bridesmaid who hates weddings or just hates the idea of being close to so much cheesyness and romanticism and happiness. Especially when your heart is still in long repair.

Hence mine right now.

I will be honest with you, my faithful readers... I never thought that seeing one of my dearest friends getting married could bring as much yearning and despair as I feel right now. A feeling of suffocating, as if I was drowning in an infinite sea of uncertainty, of the possibilities that were not possible, or the plans that faded out in thin air.

Of the love I had, but that was never really mine.

It hurts.

It hurts so very much.

But I'm working on it, it's just that a wedding, may I say it's not the best environment to work on it.

I drank out of my white wine while I'm in the back, admiring the face of a woman in love, who I hope never has to experience this kind of heartbreak.

Something I cannot understand is why is this costing me so much? Why is it different from all the other times I was in love before? Wasn't I in love those other times? Even when I still don't have an accurate and sure answer to those questions, I can conclude that the common denominator in all equations is always the same... She.

She makes a difference... she made - I'm sorry, I still have a hard time getting to accept the idea that she is in the past, no matter how much time has passed since that afternoon in her hotel, in her room, in her bed, after that conversation.

"Daydreaming again?" The deep voice coming from behind me took me by surprise, I looked then to my left and I could not believe what I saw. "Hello, there." The smile was so dazzling and pleasant; I couldn't help smiling back in surprise. Those beautiful eyes, that strong and outlined chin, that smile, could not be others than...

"Nicolas?" I said with a giggle and like the first time I saw him in person, his gaze, his bearing, in general his entire aura, had me hooked, I simply couldn't look away. I felt my cheeks warm up the more I looked at him, but I couldn't help it. "What are you doing here?" I felt my legs shake and my skin bristled when he leaned a little closer to talk above the background music.

"Breathe." He whispered and I closed my eyes instinctively.

What the hell is going on again? This really had never happened to me with a man. Don't misunderstand me, I have met attractive, interesting men, I have even considered them sexy and hot, but this is something else, another level and I am not afraid of it, on the contrary, I like it.

"You're too hot for your own good." I said unconsciously after a few seconds and when I opened my eyes, he had an almost shy smile on his face. Shy, it is not an adjective with which I once thought of describing this man. "What? Aren't you used to hearing women giving you that kind of compliment? Am I making you feel uncomfortable?" I asked honestly but the sly smile didn't leave my lips.

He looked down and smiled too, before giving a short chuckle. "You are not the first woman to tell me something like that indeed. I must say I feel flattered that you think I am attractive. You're not bad at all yourself either." We laugh together at his words. "Although, I must also admit, that under other circumstances, this conversation would go differently." He said his hands in the pockets of his classic black pants.

I let out a surprised laugh, because obviously he knows he would be barking at the wrong tree. "What other circumstances?" I had to ask, I was curious to hear his response.

His gaze shone, his smile widened, he was beaming, he looked down again and chuckled. I narrowed my eyes at his mannerism. "I'm in love." It was his simple response and although in my head her face appeared instantly when he said those words, I couldn't help my smile, feeling almost proud to hear him speak like that.

"Well, being in love suits you very well." I murmured before finishing my forgotten wine.

"Are you still?" He asked back, I knew immediately what he meant, so it was hard for me to look at him this time.

But when I finally did it, sincerity was my weapon of choice, "Like the first day."

He looked at me carefully, not with suspicion or malice, intrigue or distrust. He just looked at me and without flinching, he replied, "I know you do." He looked away as if he knew I needed the breath of his intense gaze. "But, you know you can do something about it, what I can't understand is, why don't you do it? Why torture yourself this way? It's so unnecessary. " He said as he watched the happy couple dance on the dance floor for the first time as a married couple.

I looked at his profile, I could only guess what was going through his mind while admiring the scene in front of his eyes. "I promised myself that I would not marry again or even think about getting married again and here I am, imagining that day again, in what I hope and I am sure, will be the last time."

"What are you doing here, Nicolas?" I asked again, this time urging a response from him.

He turned his whole body toward me before answering, "Business trip." He said with a shrug. "The usual." He looked at the happy newly married couple one last time. "I heard there's been a wedding celebration going on and I wanted to see." He said looking at me this time. "Weddings are beautiful."

"Yes, they are." We share a look and a knowing smile. I wanted to ask, but in the end I didn't do it and that's when I realized that I was moving in the right direction. The direction in which, she would only be a memory.

"Well, I have to go back." He said. "It was really a nice to see you again, Arizona." He leaned down giving me a brief kiss, his lips soft and cold against my cheek, I could feel the short hair of his growing beard tickling my skin.

"It was nice to see you too." I told him, as it was my turn to be shy, feeling his closeness, his manly perfume, the roundness of his shoulders and the softness of the fabric of his coat.

When he finally walked away and left me standing there, I looked at my friend, dancing with her love, listening to how the melody of Cinnamon Girl by Lana Del Rey was intertwined with my memories. My vision clouded and the lump in my throat was hard to hold, I had to sit in the nearest chair, so many memories crashing into my chest once more, all at the same time.

The feeling was like when you try to describe a panic attack, the feeling that there is no way out, there is no solution, you are trapped and you cannot do anything and you feel that the walls around you getting closer and closer to you, taking out the little air you have left, you feel like drowning, in agony, in helplessness because you want it to stop but the more you want it to stop, the more thoughts flood through your mind to upset, discomfort or confuse you.

I feel that at the thought of her, bringing many memories to life, the memory of her face when she asked and I said ... No.

That afternoon.

In her bedroom.

In her bed.

Because of her

Because of...

Her

"I love you."

I could not believe her. That would only make things worse, she must had been lying, manipulating me as she has been doing since we met. She was lying.

Because if I were to believe in her words, I would have to change my way of thinking and I was not willing to.

I was not willing to keep putting my feelings on the line.

My illusions.

My dignity

My heart.

I couldn't be there anymore. I got out of bed, frantically looking for my clothes and shoes, while she tried to talk me out of that idea.

Run or fight.

"I realize that that was not the best way to tell you how I feel," She began by saying, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that she also got out of bed and began to dress as well. "But it's just that, how I feel and although I know it's not what you want to hear right now because of the circumstances, I can't help saying it, so I act selfishly, because it's the truth. I love you, Arizona." She said in a heartbeat, I couldn't even look her in the eye. "I do!" She practically shouted hidden in a jovial laugh. Happiness, I could interpret. "Oh Dios, I can't believe I've been keeping this for so long, because it feels so good, I can finally say it out loud." I finally looked at her, her eyes were closed, her smile ear to ear. "God, I'm in love. I do love you." She said again. "I love you." Again. "I love you, Arizona." And again, this time she told me looking straight into my eyes and I felt the intensity of her gaze like the first time in that bar.

"You have to stop." I said in a murmur… I remember feeling almost paralyzed with fear.

"Why?" She asked trying to get close, but my hand found her chest to stop her. "It's the truth, no matter what, you know it's true. The way we made love just a few minutes ago, you know it was different. You know it's true. "

"Stop, please." I couldn't believe her.

Not because I thought those three words were the big deal, but because accepting that she was being honest with me, would once again open the possibility that she was going to be finally mine and mine alone and she wasn't.

Actually, she never was.

So I could not believe her.

Not now.

And certainly not before, when she told me what happened with her wife when she heard about us.

Hours before…

I guess I should finish that pending conversation, should I?

"While I can sympathize with everything that has happened and the things you've discovered about Sara, Callie, you can't wait for me to believe all this you're telling me now." She told me walking in the room, ran her hands through her blond hair and although I could hear despair in her tone, I couldn't stop thinking about the beauty of her exposed face.

"But it is the truth. Because of you, all these things are happening." I reiterated again. "But Arizona, I want to be clear on that what I'm doing isn't for you, it is for me." She stopped on her tracks at my words. "I'm not divorcing just to win you back so we can flee into the horizon and be happy forever, again, this is not a rom-com movie."

She continued in silence and I nodded, remembering that honesty is the best policy. "I am getting divorced because, thanks to you, I could really see what it is to have a real relationship, without outrages, without judgments, full of laughter and walks to the park, kisses and hugs, where there is understanding and respect and not coercion and threats. Those are the things I want for myself and the person who decides to share their life with me." I got up and walked towards her, "Although it would be a nice bonus to know that it's you who wants to share all those things with me." I shrugged. Once I was face to face with her.

I could almost hear the wheels turning inside her head, trying to interpret and understand my words.

"So you want me, but you don't want me? That's what you try to tell me." She crossed her arms.

I laughed, took her hands in mine before speaking again. "I want you to be with me because that's what you really want, not because you feel obligated after telling you about my relationship with Sara and how things are now. That's why I tell you, that although what I am doing I do it thanks to you, it is not for you, instead it is for me, but I don't want you to feel that you have to be with me-"

"All right then. Because I don't want to." She said softly and although I felt my heart sink in my chest, I still stood there firm in my ideal.

"You don't?" I couldn't contain myself and ask, because even if it hurt as much as it hurts today, if she, in fact, didn't want anything to do with me anymore, I would step aside and let her go.

Because, I know her pain.

Pain, that I infringed.

With my question in the air, she turned her back to me, I understood the need to find space for herself and her own thoughts, but I have to admit that feeling her leave my personal space hurt more than I imagined.

Then I watched her golden hair and felt fear. Fear cracking into my being at imagining a life where all I would remember about her would be her blond hair and all the things we lived, but her face would be absent and the thought of it just paralyzed me. My eyes filled with tears, my skin crawled, I felt a lump in my throat making me drown if it wanted to, my cheeks were warm and my mouth dry.

Is that how does it feels? Love? Or the thought of losing it? Whatever it was, the feeling of overwhelm was immeasurable. "Arizona…" I whispered scared, like a little child and I remember never feeling so small before in my life, not even when my parents turned their backs on me.

My mind was going so fast that I almost didn't notice when she suddenly turned around and approached me, her lips on mine instantly, it took me a few seconds to realize what was happening but when I did, I responded with the same fervor she had while kissing and undressing me at the same time. She was actually finally kissing me, willingly.

When her hands reached my pants, my eyes widened almost instinctively. "Wait, wait, wait ..." I repeated several times, while she put her lips on my neck. I looked for her face, with my hands on her cheeks and looked into her eyes. "Arizona, wait..." I said again, as I searched for an answer to my question yet not asked, but she just looked at me, with an indecipherable look.

"I'm tired of waiting." She finally replied, taking me to the bed. We fell on the mattress, she on top of me and I remember her determined look, full of passion and certainty, but there was also something there that no matter how hard I tried I couldn't read. Was it regret? Guilt? Quickly everything that went through my mind at that moment was forgotten when I felt the hands all over my body and her lips on my neck again.

Whatever it was, today I understand that that look was what ended in the answer to my question then verbalized, but ... That part of the story must be told by her.

After all, all this is Because of Her.}

The moment of truth.

"You are so determined not to believe in my words that you reject the possibility of us finally together." Callie told me and she was right, but my reasons were still reasons and I knew I should leave that room before I give up to her again, so that we wouldn't continue in this vicious circle that only leaves pain and despair for both of us.

By then we were both dressed, facing each other, not knowing what to say, without knowing exactly what to do. We were in a stalemate.

But I only had one more thought ... I wanted to be out.

"I'm want out." I verbalized my thoughts.

She looked at me confused, frowning. "What?"

"I want to be out of the equation." I elaborated a little more. "All this, you and I, it was a mistake-"

"Don't say that." She interrupted me, looking away, letting me see how affected she was by my words.

"But it's the truth." I reiterated. "From the very beginning, we didn't stand a chance. We were doomed to not work out, to be a failure and we ignored it." I was on a roll, I wanted to let off steam and use reason, otherwise I wouldn't let myself walk away of that room. "I ignored it. To my head, when it repeatedly told me that I was making a mistake, that being with a married woman - regardless of the circumstances," I quickly clarified when I noticed her intention to protest. "That being with a married woman wouldn't bring me any good and I was right." My voice was sure, but inside a tumult of emotions began to break through and float.

I knew I was doing the right thing for her and for me. "Loving you has been the most beautiful and the most painful thing I've ever experienced in my life, Calliope." My voice finally cracked. I remember how her eyes crystallized with unshared tears. I would have to be heartless to not realize how much it hurt her hearing me to say it. She was suffering. "I am suffering." I confessed honestly.

She took a deep breath, staring at the ceiling, trying to contain herself, not wanting to be vulnerable, not now, not with me; but I don't think she could as much as she wanted, because I saw it, I saw it in her features, her posture, the tension of her chin, the stiffness of her shoulders. I saw it and it broke my heart to know that I was causing this ... this pain to her. "So I only caused you pain." Her voice, God her voice broke me, I remember my skin bristling with the throaty of her tone, deep and hoarse and at the same time minimal, soft, small. It was so contradictory that I could hardly contemplate it. "If that's what you want, then what was what we do a while ago, in that same bed?" She asked pointing to the still messy sheets of bed in which moments before we shared one of the most significant intimate encounters I've had with her.

"That won't happen again." I said curtly. I wanted to be strong to reach the end of this and yet she narrowed her eyes at me, it was how I knew she could still read me so well. She knew what I was feeling, because she was feeling it too. Desolation.

"So, a goodbye." It was more of a statement instead of a question.

I smiled sadly, as a light tear ran down my cheek. "A declaration of love." She scoffed at that ... 'bullshit' I thought I heard her whispers. " Callie, losing you, I couldn't stand it but loving you is worse, waiting for you in case one day it doesn't hurt anymore. That is not living, that is not love. I just want us to stop hurting each other."

"There is no reason for us not to be together, Arizona. Instead there are many others to be, I love you and I know that you feel the same way about me." She said pointing at me, her anger and frustration palpable in her tone.

"Unfortunately, this is not about love." I replied looking down.

"So what is it?" She almost screamed this time. I remember how she urged herself to remain calm just by the way she was breathing.

"The fact that you're still married, even if it's only on paper, the fact that I don't trust you, why would I? I'm just the woman on the side, the other woman, and just as you had me, you can also have others who replace my spot if we were to have a serious relationship." I responded quickly, verbalizing my doubts once more like my darkest thoughts.

"Arizona - " She tried to get a word in, I vividly remember her frown, shaking her head as she listened to me.

But I was not willing to shut up now, "The fact that this, this thing that you and I have, is not healthy, and the fact that we hurt ourselves on daily bases. The fact that it's straight out wrong and toxic!" I murmured in a gasp, surprising both of us at that painful admission.

I walked towards her with the last gram of strength that accompanied me, I took her hands in mine and looked into her eyes. "I love you, too." She let out a content sigh. "But we can't keep doing this." A tear finally slid down her cheek, she was no longer trying to hold it back and let me see a side of herself that I never thought I would see. I wiped her cheek with my fingers before leaning toward her, our foreheads joined. "I can't do this anymore." I emphasized my words ... I swear to you that I could hear my heart just breaking inside.

She cleared her throat, "So, now what? What do we do?" Her hands went to my hips trying to keep me close, I'm not going to lie, I didn't want to avoid her physical contact. That was part of the problem.

"Now we will continue on different paths, hoping that one day, this hurts a little less." The next thing I felt was her strong arms around my back and like that first time we hug, hence the day we met, I felt safe, cared for, warm, contained. I knew she was that to me, but still, going separate ways was the right thing to do.

"You are the one I love, I do, I do." She said with so such emotion that it made me hug her harder. "I don't think this feeling will ever go away. I love you." She whispered in my ear and her sweet words cringed inside me.

"I know I know. I love you too."

That day, that conversation, that embrace, those words ... it have been the hardest thing I ever experienced and that decision the most difficult of all.

Now she is a ghost.

A ghost of what could have been but it could not.

Maybe one day ... Things will be different, were I can look back to these dark moments as a teaching lesion.

That Love does not always conquer everything.

All mistakes are mine.