Chapter 22: Express Yourself
"Hello?"
"Hello Ms. Hudson, may I speak to Kurt please?"
Kurt let out a sigh. Being mistaken for Carole on the phone was only a minor improvement from being mistaken for his dead mother.
"This is Kurt."
"Oh, right, of course! My mistake, I shouldn't have assumed. This is, um, Patrick Anderson…Blaine's father."
Kurt felt his pulse quicken and time slow down around him. Unbidden, his mind was flooded with images of Blaine. Blaine in the hospital covered in tubes and needles. Blaine bleeding and broken on the side of the road. Blaine missing and his father pacing the house desperately calling Kurt in the hopes that he knows where to find his son.
I told him I was afraid of this phone call too. Oh god, oh god, please be okay Blaine, please be okay.
"Mr. Anderson? What's going on?"
"Blaine's not hurt," he started, clearly hearing the panic in Kurt's voice. Kurt let out the breath he had been holding. "His mother found him a complete wreck in his room when she arrived home from work. He just keeps crying and asking for you. He won't talk to us."
"I'll be right there. I'm going to hand you to my dad so you can explain to him why I'm about to break curfew."
"Thank you, Kurt."
Kurt handed the phone to his stunned dad and grabbed his keys and coat.
—
Kurt had seen Blaine cry before, but never like this. He had seen misty eyes, a single tear or two rolling down a sad cheek. But this…this was ugly crying. It was loud and wet and messy. Blaine's face was a horrible blotchy red, his features screwed up in a pained expression, and he took loud gasping breaths in between blowing his nose. It was the kind of crying you only let people you really trust see.
Seeing Blaine like this was heartbreaking.
When Blaine noticed him, he just held out his arms wordlessly towards Kurt.
Kurt sat on the bed behind Blaine with his legs straddled open on either side of him, pulling Blaine in towards his chest and cradling him in his arms. He wasn't sure what to do, but he knew that he always felt a deep wave of safety and comfort when Blaine hugged him. So he tried to wrap himself around Blaine in as many ways as he could, like a warm safe cocoon.
Kurt remembered laying in bed when he was sick or couldn't sleep as a child. His mom would always sing to him. She usually sang him old folk songs and they were like a balm on his soul.
So Kurt began to sing the first song that popped into his head. "Inch by inch, row by row, gonna make this garden grow, gonna mulch it deep and low, gonna make it fertile ground." Blaine's body began to shake in his arms. At first he thought it was a new wave of racking sobs but then he realized that Blaine was laughing.
"Are you seriously s-s-singing the gar-garden song right now?" They were the first words that Blaine had spoken to him. I guess laughing is better than crying.
"I…I guess I am," Kurt said starting to laugh too as it struck him how ridiculous it was to be singing this song to a crying teenager. His mom had sung him this song when he was five.
"Pl-please…don't st—keep going," Blaine requested shyly.
So Kurt kept singing and as he did, he felt the tightly wound body in his arms begin to slowly loosen. When the song finished, he immediately launched into the next song this time trying to pick something with a stronger message.
There's a land that I see where the children are free
And I say it ain't far to this land from where we are
Take my hand, come with me, where the children are free
Come with me, take my hand, and we'll live
In a land where the river runs free
In a land through the green country
In a land to a shining sea
And you and me are free to be you and me
I see a land bright and clear, and the time's comin' near
When we'll live in this land, you and me, hand in hand
Take my hand, come along, lend your voice to my song
Come along, take my hand, sing a song
For a land where the river runs free
For a land through the green country
For a land to a shining sea
For a land where the horses run free
And you and me are free to be you and me
Every boy in this land grows to be his own man
In this land, every girl grows to be her own woman
Take my hand, come with me where the children are free
Come with me, take my hand, and we'll run
To a land where the river runs free
To a land through the green country
To a land to a shining sea
To a land where the horses run free
To a land where the children are free
And you and me are free to be you and me
When Kurt finished the song he was the one with tears in his eyes. Looking down at Blaine, he realized that Blaine had actually fallen asleep. It was a relief to see Blaine finally relaxed and peaceful. Kurt felt strangely powerful, knowing that he had been the one to bring that calm to the hurt boy in front of him.
As a child, Kurt had thought the song sounded pretty. The place the song described sounded nice, with green grass and horses running around. As a teenager, he found himself becoming emotional. You and me are free to be you and me; that was a place he would run to even without the trappings of a pastoral paradise.
It felt like he was going there, hand in hand with Blaine, except their speed was limited by the speed of time. He could feel it coming, a better world where he never had to look over his shoulder before taking Blaine's hand in public, where they could get married someday if they wanted to. He knew it would get better but he wanted it to be better now.
After a few minutes, Kurt started to wonder what he should do with the sleeping Blaine curled up in his arms. He knew that they couldn't stay like this all night but he was reluctant to move Blaine into a different position, lest he have to wake up and lose the feeling of peace he had finally found. So he sat, gently running his fingers through the hair at the base of Blaine's neck.
There was a gentle knock on the door and it opened to reveal Blaine's mom.
"I sang to him and he fell asleep," Kurt whispered. "What should I do now?"
"Oh, dear! Um, let me help you get him into bed." Gently, she lifted her son and shifted him off of Kurt's lap. Kurt was just turning to leave Blaine's bedroom when he heard his name.
"Kurt?" asked a sleepy, confused voice.
"Oh no, sweetheart, I didn't mean to wake you up." Kurt sat on the edge of the bed and stroked Blaine's hair.
"Stay."
"Um…I don't…I mean, it's not that I don't want to but…you know I'm not allowed…"
"Stay," he repeated.
Kurt looked helplessly towards his boyfriend's mom. She pursed her lips and then said, "I think just this once we can make an exception. Let me give Burt a call and explain. Blaine keeps pajamas in the bottom drawer of his dresser and there should be an extra toothbrush in the top drawer of the bathroom."
"I…I guess I'm staying," Kurt said in disbelief to Blaine. Blaine hummed happily in response.
—
Warm shafts of sunlight woke Kurt. They were brighter than usual but even so it took him a minute to realize he wasn't in his own bedroom. He started to move only to discover that an arm, heavy with sleep, was wrapped around his torso and he suddenly remembered that he had spent the night at Blaine's house.
I'm in Blaine's bed! Kurt had been on top of Blaine's bed plenty of times before but there was something fundamentally different about being in it, with Blaine's soft sheets against his skin and Blaine himself pressed against his back.
Kurt let out a sigh of contentedness. Everything felt warm and everything smelled like Blaine from the pillowcase to the shirt he was wearing. He lay there, soaking it all in until the arm wrapped around him suddenly came to life and squeezed him gently, pulling him even closer to Blaine's chest.
"Good morning," Blaine whispered into his ear.
"Mmm, good morning. This is nice."
"Thank you. For…c-c-coming, for not making me t-talk, and then for staying."
"You're welcome." Kurt rolled over so he could face Blaine. He had dark circles under his eyes from too much crying, but his eyes sparkled at Kurt. He seemed much better than he had last night.
"You sang to me," Blaine said, voice heavy with emotion.
"Well, I love you and you were sad, so…hence the singing."
"I love you t-too."
They lay there in silence for a while. Blaine's hair gel had worn off and Kurt reached for the fluffy curls on his head, working through the tangles with his fingers.
"Are you ready to tell me what happened?" Kurt asked, finally breaking the silence.
Blaine's face twisted into a grimace, but he nodded.
"It was, uh, uh N-N-Nick. He c-c-called—well I c-called him, and he t-t-t-told me something…that he-he-he-he knew and he—K-Kurt he lied to me! He's been lying since lllast year."
Kurt's mind was racing, trying to untangle the web of Blaine's story. Since last year. What happened last year? What could Nick have lied about that would have Blaine this hurt? Last year…
"Do you mean—did he lie to you about the attack? Is that it?"
Blaine nodded, eyes beginning to water. "He knew! He knew the-the-the-the whole time and he ne-never t-t-t-told me! He saw them, Kurt. He saw their faces. He knows." Blaine's voice was angry and pleading as he worked his way through his words until it was finally clear to Kurt what had happened the night before.
That's awful that Nick lied. Why isn't Blaine at least a little bit excited? I mean he finally knows! He can finally do something about it!
Kurt felt guilty for being excited that maybe Blaine's attackers might finally face justice. He examined Blaine. Blaine wasn't falling apart like he had been last night, but he still looked miserable. This morning there was an undercurrent of anger as well. He just needs someone to listen to him right now.
"Wow, that's a big thing to find out. How are you feeling about it?
"I—I had to l-l-leave all my friends be-be-behind because of him. I had to fffeel scared that someone was hiding in the shadows all-all summer be-be-because I didn't even know who to be afraid of. He could have —prevented all of that. Kurt he…he —betrayed me."
"He broke your trust. You have every right to be angry and hurt. You had every right to know the truth about something that happened to you. Those bullies stole your memories away and he could have given them back to you, but he didn't. Just let it all out, I've got you."
The sleeve of Kurt's shirt—well it was Blaine's shirt really, but Kurt was wearing it—became damp with tears. Kurt reached for the box of tissues and handed a few to Blaine, figuring that the nose blowing was soon to follow. Blaine uttered a watery "thanks" as he gratefully accepted them.
This time it was just a few minutes before Blaine's breathing calmed and the erratic rise and fall of his chest eased into a slow, even rhythm.
"I also…it just…I try not to-to-to think about it, you know. But…it just…it brought it all b-b-b-back. I kept…re-re-remembering things, playing them over in my head. That's why…I just c-c-couldn't talk. But when you sssang, it made the mem-mem-memories stop."
"No wonder you were in such a state when I found you. I feel awful that you had to think about all of that again. You know…that first day when I was too scared to go back to school after Karofsky…well, you know, anyways, that first day I felt like my brain was stuck in this awful loop, just playing the tape over and over again of what happened. The only thing that helped was watching musicals."
"Music really is the best m-medicine," Blaine said with a smile. Kurt wrapped his arms around Blaine and pulled him close.
"Have I mentioned recently just how much I love you?" Kurt said softly.
"Not in the last five minutes, so cl-cl-clearly I need to hear it again. I c-c-could never tire of hearing it. God, Kurt, I love you too, so so much." Blaine squeezed him as he said it and Kurt felt his whole chest flood with warmth. "K-Kurt…before I met you I wanted to run away but now…you g-g-give me the courage to st-stay, to want to m-m-make it better where we are. And at the same time, when it's just-just-just the two of us, it feels like we already made it because when it's just you and me, we really are free to be you and me."
"Now who's the sappy one," Kurt sassed, but it had no bite when silent tears were streaming down his face. Blaine kissed away his tears sweetly. He licked his lips and then pouted.
"Oh no, I'm su-su-supposed to be cutting back on sodium."
"Well, if you're cracking sarcastic jokes then you really must be feeling better. So, I have to ask…who was it? You waited for months to find out and you still haven't told me their names. I mean I get that I don't know them but I still want to know!"
Blaine burst into laughter. "You're g-g-going to think I'm cr-cr-crazy."
"Well you're already laughing like a crazy person so your reputation is not exactly intact on that front. Come on! I was patient all last night, not knowing anything about why my boyfriend was sobbing into his pillow. You have to tell me!"
"I don't know!" Blaine cried out, following by more laughter. "I dr-dropped the phone b-b-before he could tell me!"
Kurt just shook his head at Blaine as he continued to cackle.
"So you should probably call him back at some point."
That finally stopped Blaine's absurd, maniacal laughter. "But…I'm still so m-m-mad."
"Well, sure, but don't you want to know? Isn't that why you're mad in the first place?"
"I su-su-suppose. I mean, yeah, I definitely want to know."
"So then you should call him. I'm not saying you have to stop being mad, but sweetheart I hope you will at least allow him the opportunity to explain and apologize."
"Fine," Blaine grumbled.
"Can I admit something unflattering about myself to you?" Kurt asked with trepidation.
Blaine's eyebrows scrunched together as he said earnestly, "Always. Anything."
"I would have been scared too. If I had been in Nick's position, I think I would have been terrified. I'm not saying that he did the right thing, but I can understand the urge to just pretend that nothing happened, to hide away. It's not so different from what I did when I was bullied. I hope you can find a way to forgive him, when you're ready."
Blaine's eyes softened. "I hadn't…I guess he w-w-was that scared, huh? You were scared about re-re-reporting Karofsky and they almost didn't do anything about that. Who knows what those m-monsters would have done if they knew we reported them and it didn't stick?"
"What would you have done? If you had found out right when it happened?"
Blaine shrugged. "I don't…I don't know. My dad…he would have—I think my dad would have m-m-made me tell the po-po-police."
"I hope they would have listened."
"It would have been Nick's wwword against theirs. They might have go-gotten away without going to jail. I hope they would have been ex-ex-expelled though. Then I—Kurt we never would have met."
Kurt and Blaine both grew silent at that realization. It was jarring to think that one small decision had altered the course of both their lives in such deep and important ways. If he had never met Blaine…he shuddered just considering it. Kurt pulled Blaine's warm body closer, as if to remind himself that it hadn't all been a dream. He didn't want to imagine a universe where he and Blaine weren't in love.
"I honestly don't know how I would have gotten through this year without you, Blaine. I'd probably still be hiding at home, watching 'A Chorus Line' and eating too much ice cream. Blaine I wish that you hadn't been lied to. Better yet, I wish that you had never been attacked in the first place. But…I can't wish that we had never met."
"Me neither. Is this one of those every-everything ha-happens for a reason things?"
"You know I don't believe in God. And I don't really believe in fate either. But I do believe in us. So I guess I believe that we were meant to find each other."
Blaine smiled warmly at Kurt, his eyes shining brightly. "Me too."
Then Blaine's warm hands were on his face pulling him closer. Blaine's mouth felt warm and perfect; Kurt felt his heart race as they kissed. Their bodies pressed together, still under the covers and Kurt felt heady with love and desire. His hands found the hem of Blaine's sleep shirt and he slowly peeled it off over Blaine's head. Blaine grinned at him before reaching for Kurt's shirt. Kurt loved how much closer he felt to Blaine when they were like this, he loved the intimacy of skin pressed against skin.
"You're so beautiful," Blaine whispered in awe. Kurt blushed furiously. Blaine had said those words before but always when Kurt was dressed, when the only thing he could be calling beautiful was his face. Kurt could accept that he had a pretty face. But now Blaine was talking about his body, saying it was beautiful, and Kurt scoffed.
"You're sweet but I'm really not," Kurt muttered, suddenly feeling shy and hiding his exposed torso under the sheet. Blaine loves me so he wants me to feel good but he doesn't really mean that.
Blaine's hands reached for his face, forcing eye contact. "Hey! Kurt?" his eyebrows were all scrunched up in concern. "You n-n-need to see it in my eyes how much I mean this when I say it. You are the most —beautiful person I've ever seen. Your per-personality is beautiful. Your face is beautiful. And, yes, your body is beautiful. I d-d-d-didn't want to be crude before, but to be honest beautiful hardly c-covers it. You, sir, are sexy as hell."
"Oh…I…oh wow. I think I should mention again how much I love you."
"Always."
—
*knock knock*
"Hello? Can I help you with something young man? Are you a friend of Rick's?"
Blaine almost laughed out loud at the thought. "My n-name is —Blaine Anderson. This is Nick Duval. We used to g-g-go to school with Rick. Is he at home? We would like to s-s-speak with him."
"Oh, sure! I think he's playing video games in his room. Please come in, make yourselves comfortable in the den. I'll let him know that you're here."
Blaine and Nick followed her down a short hallway and down a few steps. They sat down on a worn leather sofa and waited.
Then he was there. Rick Holtz. Blaine and Rick had gone to school together since junior high. They had even been on the same park district soccer team for a year. Blaine's low center of gravity had been an asset in soccer and he remembered Rick clapping him on the back after a game and praising his performance.
He also remembered twirling an umbrella in the school courtyard. He remembered having the microphone pulled out of his hands. He remembered the humiliation and fear as Rick's voice was amplified when he announced, "This song is fucking gay!"
Of course it was him.
"What are you doing in my house?" Rick asked quietly, eyes darting wildly around the room.
"We're here to talk. Take a seat." Nick gestured invitingly towards the seating area, seeming perfectly comfortable inviting someone to sit down in their own home.
Rick regarded them with hostility and suspicion as he sunk into one of the deep, leather armchairs. "Okay, talk."
Blaine glanced over at Nick. His knuckles were white as he clutched the edge of couch cushion. Blaine took a few deep breaths. I have to do this. I can do this.
"We w-w-want to t-talk about what happened last year after the S-Sadie Hawkins dance."
"I, uh, I don't know what you're talking about," he said unconvincingly.
"Cut the crap, Rick. I m-m-may not rrremember courtesy of the con-concussion you gave me, but N-Nick does. You threw me a-a-against the wall and kick-kicked me in the r-r-ribs until I blacked out. After I was uncon-conscious, you and your thugs choked Nick. Do you know what I'm t-talking about now?"
"You have no proof. It would just be your word against mine," Rick said angrily, through clenched teeth.
"Do you re-remember what you said to me, as you kicked me over and over again? Surely you remember kicking a kid that was —barely still conscious, you know, like a real man." Blaine's tone was bitter.
"No."
"You t-told me I was —disgusting. But you w-w-want to know what I think? I think you're disgusting. A d-disgusting coward who uses violence and intimidation to —control other people be-because he is so weak in his own sense of who he is that he feels threatened by anyone di-different. Well, I'm no —coward. I know exactly who I am. I have the courage to be myself openly and without a-apology now, and it has brought me nothing but happiness. I have a boyfriend who loves me. I have amazing friends. I get to-to-to sing on stage in front of a crowd of hundreds in Chicago next month. I'm going to be a ssstar someday. But you? All you'll ever be is pa-pa-pathetic."
Rick gaped at them like a fish pulled up out of a dark river into the fresh air and sunshine for the first time.
"But you…but…I-I-I" Rick fumbled around incoherently.
"Queers got your t-tongue? I have a ssstutter. What's your excuse?" Who can't do backtalk now, bitches?
"Anything you wanted to add, Nick?"
"No, I think you just about covered everything, Blaine." Nick sounded impressed.
Blaine rose to his feet and took Nick's hand. "Come on, Humphrey, we're leaving," said Blaine, suddenly inspired to quote Nick's favorite karaoke song.
Nick gasped in excitement. "Can we?"
Blaine laughed. "Why not?" It did feel like a satisfying, final 'fuck you' to Rick. And Blaine was already reveling in this feeling that he did not care one iota what Rick thought of him.
Nick turned to Rick, still gaping at them in stunned silence, and recited the spoken introductory lines. He did make a minor lyric adjustment; however.
The last time we talked, Mr. Holtz
You reduced me to tears
I promise you, it won't happen again
Then Blaine and Nick began to sing as they skipped down the hallway of Rick's house, hand in hand. Every time Blaine looked over his shoulder he was treated to Rick's look of horror and disgust. It just made him sing louder.
Do I attract you?
Do I repulse you with my queasy smile?
Am I too dirty?
Am I too flirty?
Do I like what you like?
I could be wholesome
I could be loathsome
I guess I'm a little bit shy
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me without making me try?
Blaine had tried for so many years to do whatever it took to fit in and be liked. He could do it, too. Passing was his superpower after all. He had the capability to be a chameleon but this year he had realized that just because he could fit in didn't mean that he wanted to. Blaine was sick and tired of trying to be what anyone else wanted him to be. He could be anything they liked but he wasn't going to any longer. He liked who is he was and he was done caring about people who didn't like the real him.
I try to be like Grace Kelly
But all her looks were too sad
So I tried a little Freddie
I've gone identity mad!
I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you walk out the door!
In perfect synchronicity with the song, they arrived at the door. Nick pulled it open and Blaine sang out a few more lines before they closed it behind them.
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like yourself?
Blaine felt full of lightness. He thought he might even be able to fly.
Then he spotted Kurt, leaning against the car door. He had offered to come in with them, of course, but Blaine and Nick had decided in the end that they wanted to do this for themselves. Kurt looked fucking perfect as always, perfectly unique and outrageous, perfectly himself. Tug.
"When I agreed to wait outside, no one told me I would miss out on singing Mika," Kurt complained in mock outrage, crossing his arms over his chest.
Blaine wrapped his arms around Kurt's waist, lifting him off the ground and spinning him around. Kurt shrieked.
"Dude, that was fucking amazing!" Nick gushed. "Kurt, you should have seen him. He gave this epic speech. Rick was the one stuttering by the end. You would have been so proud of him."
"I am so proud of him," Kurt corrected. "I have no doubt it was amazing."
"It took me a while, but now that I know how g-g-good it feels to express myself, I d-don't think I'm ever going to-to-to stop." Blaine grinned triumphantly.
"Hey, didn't we kind of sing that song together once?" Kurt asked with a goofy smile. "It was our first duet!"
"You…you noticed that?" he asked, feeling a blush creep into his cheeks.
"Like I told you before, I always notice you. I thought it was very cute at the time."
"Well, then." Blaine linked his left arm with Kurt's and his right arm with Nick's. "Come on girls, do you believe in love?"
Kurt and Nick both laughed and the three of them joined their voices together.
Don't go for second best, baby
Put your love to the test
You know, you know you've got to
Make him express how he feels and maybe
Then you'll know your love is real
You don't need diamond rings or eighteen karat gold
Fancy cars that go very fast, you know they never last no, no
What you need is a big strong hand
To lift you to your higher ground
Make you feel like a queen on a throne
Make him love you 'til you can't come down
Express yourself
Author's Notes:
Thank you's:
Thank you to everyone who read this story and took an interest in my little corner of the universe (speech therapy). Thank you to everyone who commented on this work while it was in progress on Ao3 because your thoughts, feelings, and questions inevitably influenced the work as it was being written and definitely inspired me to keep going. Thank you to anyone who has left a review on this site; you helped inspire my current writing!
I also want to thank Mirvly for the many chapters he beta-read for me! (you can find his work over on Ao3)
Please Review:
If you made it all the way to the end and you've never left a review, I really hope you will consider leaving one now. Just a few minutes of your time will fill me with joy:D
If you liked this story, I hope you'll add it to your favorites or share it with a friend. If you want to be sure to catch the next thing I write, don't forget to subscribe to me as a user.
Music Notes:
The Garden Song - written by David Mallet, performed by so many wonderful musicians over the years. I enjoy Pete Seeger's rendition especially.
Free To Be...You And Me - Lyrics by Bruce Hart, performed by The New Seekers
Grace Kelly - MIKA
Express Yourself - Madonna
Those first two songs are both ones I remember singing as a child, but I was fascinated by the history behind "Free To Be...You and Me" because I just thought it was a cute children's song. It was actually part of this much bigger feminist project that included an album, a book, and a television special. It was all about gender equality and teaching little girls they can do or be anything they want. The television special aired in 1974 and went on to win an Emmy!
As for Grace Kelly, I was obsessed with the album Life in Cartoon Motion when it came out. The singer experienced severe bullying in school and was home-schooled because of it for a while (similar to Chris Colfer's own history). Mika publicly came out as gay in 2012.
Express Yourself - The Sequel!
As I think I've mentioned, the sequel to Express Yourself is currently a WIP being posted on Ao3. I really think of it as a "Part 2" to this story. I ended Express Yourself where I did primarily because it was a summer writing project and the summer was ending so the story needed to end too. But there was unfinished business and my desire to write persisted as the school year began, and so I started working on the sequel. The Sequel is probably somewhat angstier than this fic, but still full of lots of fluff and cuteness to balance it out.
You are more than welcome to check it out on Ao3 (my user name is just "Esperanto" over there). You also get the benefit of embedded links to all of the songs. Update: The first chapter of the sequel is now posted!
Title: Love Yourself
Rating: Teen
Chapters: 14 and counting
Summary: In this sequel to 'Express Yourself,' Blaine and Kurt continue their journey as they are faced with new obstacles and challenges. The members of the New Directions will be pushed to take sides in the most dramatic upset yet, old and new friends will stir up jealousy in his relationship, and the ghosts from his attack will come back to haunt him. All Blaine can do is hope that he really is on the right track.