Chapter Nineteen
HARDIN
IT'S NOVEMBER now, and the weather has dropped drastically in Washington. I've gotten used to how wet the weather gets here. The cool air always reminds me of back home, because London was wet, cold and dreary in the winter months. I'm just waiting for the rain to start and freeze overnight. My poor car will take ages to heat up when that finally happens.
It's Friday. It arrived sooner than I expected it to. I never cared how often the frat house hosted parties, but they are getting old, and it just means I will be spending another one completely sober. Well, unless Jace brings me some weed; but Tessa will be with me tonight, and though she knows I smoke occasionally, I don't want her mixing it with alcohol. I'm a hypocrite, I know… I've done my fair share of mixing, and at the time it was great. Now, I realize how stupid that was.
Molly's pink hair is the first thing I notice on my way downstairs to the party. She heads past me up the stairs with Logan in tow, trying her hardest not to pay me any attention. I give him a rueful smirk so he knows I'm going to give him shit later. I see them disappear around the corner, and after a long moment, I hear a door shut down the hall. Molly's not exactly sloppy seconds, but Logan knows she's only trying to get back at me. He can deal with her clingy ass now. Hopefully she'll just leave me the hell alone.
I spot Steph's bright red hair next, making her way through the small crowd of people gathering in the living room, and Tessa's golden curls bounce along after her. I take in Tessa's outfit; I know she let Steph dress her, because if it were up to her she'd be in something quite prude for a college party.
Not that I really hate what she wears anymore… but I'm glad she let Steph talk her into something more sexy. I have to bite my knuckle to keep my mind from wandering through all the possibilities…
She's also wearing a tall pair of black boots; and I imagine she won the argument of finding a pair with a flat heel for comfort. Her dress is quite short, stopping just above the halfway point down her thighs. Her skin looks so smooth, I really can't help the dirty thoughts. I think about beckoning her to my room upstairs and having a bit of fun, but there's a large part of me that knows she wouldn't be so easy to coerce.
I make my way to the kitchen, stopping in the doorway to watch; Tessa glances up, meeting my eyes. Steph hands her a red cup, and she takes it gingerly, trying to be polite. I can tell she doesn't want to be here; still, she looks almost angelic in the glow of the kitchen bulbs and I'm glad she came.
Originally, I didn't want her here. Not for any specific reason other than the possibility that we would have to keep our distance. Which is what we're doing anyway, I guess. However, I haven't seen Jace yet and Molly is busy upstairs. I'm sure I could spend some time with her, unbothered.
She continues to eye me from across the island, while trying to focus on what Steph is saying, but I can see that she isn't really paying attention.
I take a sip of my water, staring back at her just as obvious. She drops her gaze to the countertop, blushing to herself.
It seems that Steph is the only one who doesn't know… I don't want to keep my distance anymore. I guess I just don't know when the fuck I should make it obvious that we're together. I'm fucking new at this, okay?
"You ready to play beer pong, Tessa?" Steph asks her, tugging on the long sleeve of her dress. Tessa tears her eyes away from me, blinking back to reality as she meets Steph's waiting expression.
"I think I'll just watch," Tessa says over the noise, sipping from her red cup. I wonder what she's drinking; how dangerous would it be to taste her mouth and the alcohol on her lips… a deadly combination, if you ask me. Steph pouts.
"I need a beer pong partner!"
"Maybe Molly wants to play?" Tessa suggests. I laugh, and Steph shakes her head. We both know where Molly is right now. I know Steph egged her on and I wasn't bothering to get between her and Logan.
"She went upstairs," Steph says, "she's gonna be preoccupied for a while. Come on, one game? Please?"
"She doesn't want to play, Steph," I say, annoyed by her incessant whining. Steph rolls her eyes, giving me a look.
"Fine, then you be my partner," she quips. I shake my head.
"No," I shake my head, "I won't drink if I win or lose, and I don't want to play." Well… I don't want to play beer pong, anyway. Steph turns back to Tessa, a pleading look on her face.
"Please, please?" She begs, clasping her hands together in front of her pouting lips. Tessa is reluctant, almost ready to give in.
"Zed needs a partner," I cut in, nodding to the game starting in the living room. Steph sighs, rolling her eyes at me.
"Ugh, fine…" she says, "but if we lose, Tessa's my partner the next round!" Somehow I don't think that will happen though, but I don't tell that to Steph. She brushes past me to join the game, leaving Tessa with me and a few others chatting away mindlessly in the kitchen. They pay no attention to me or her.
"Thanks…" Tessa smiles, shaking her head, "I didn't think I was going to get away with saying 'no'."
"Well you haven't gotten away with it this far," I say, "that's why you're here, I'm assuming." Tessa nods.
"I really didn't want to be here," she admits, meeting my eyes. "Steph is very persuasive."
"Persistent is more like it," I say, rolling my eyes. She shrugs a shoulder, nodding once in agreement. Why is everything so awkward now? Is it because we aren't technically used to being seen together?
"You know, she mentioned that we've been getting along pretty well…" Tessa says, glancing up at me to gauge my reaction. I start to wonder if she told Steph, though judging by her expression I don't think she has.
"I wonder why," I retort sarcastically, taking a step closer. Her breath catches and for a moment I debate pulling her into my chest. I want to kiss her. I don't want her to push me away, though, "I'm surprised none of these fuckers have mentioned it to her."
"Mentioned what?" She asks. I can't tell if she's playing dumb, though. I smirk.
"That we're together," I say, pulling her towards me. She blushes, pressing her hands against my stomach to keep a little distance between our bodies. Her hands feel cool through my shirt and I find myself wishing she would pull up the hem and touch them to my burning skin.
"Nobody?"
"No. Not even Molly, or Zed."
"Molly knows about us?" Tessa asks, biting into her lip. I nod, she didn't know that?
"Yes. Does that matter?" I ask.
"Is she mad?" What? Is she mad? Is she mental? Why would she care if Molly is mad? Molly and I were never exclusive, and I don't give a shit if Molly wants to think we ever were. Why would Tessa ask that?
"She's pissed at me, but why does that matter?" I reply. Tessa sighs, trying to pull back. I hold her in place, tightening my grip just a bit. Not enough to hurt her, but enough to keep her from leaving my arms. She stops fighting me after a moment. "Molly was never anything to me."
"How can you say that?" Tessa asks quietly, "You have a lot of history with her."
"When I needed to get fucked," I say a little harsh; I can't help my frustration, but I know I'm upsetting her, "that doesn't mean she mattered to me."
Tessa frowns, freeing herself from my grip this time. She turns her head slightly, away from me, not meeting my eyes. I reach under her chin and tilt her head gently to look at me. I see pain in her eyes.
"Why do you talk about her like that?" She asks. This girl hurts my head sometimes… most times. What is her problem now?
"What do you want me to say?" I sigh, "that she does? Or that she did? Would that make you feel better?"
"No," Tessa admits truthfully, "I guess not… but you talk about her like she was an object."
I groan, shaking my head.
"She knew our deal…" I feel even more like an asshole admitting the agreement Molly and I have always shared. When I needed to get off, Molly made herself available. I guess I hadn't noticed how objectifying that was… but Molly knew that. And of course, Tessa being as good as she is, she's made me realize how wrong that is.
"It's just… off-putting, I guess," Tessa says, biting her lip. I don't know what to say, I have nothing to say to that. I hate that she thinks that low of me, but I know I deserve it. I haven't made the best decisions in my life.
I debate within myself if it would be inappropriate to kiss her and try to make her forget it all, but I decide that it's worth a shot. I lean down and press a cautious kiss to her lips, only deepening it when she sighs into it. For a moment, I forget where we are. I don't notice the noise, or the people. I don't even care that we're practically blocking the entrance to the kitchen. I am too lost in the way her lips taste, like vodka and sprite and something sweet, and the way she tugs me closer.
"Hardin," she gasps softly, pushing against me again. I pull back, and she says, "What about Steph...?"
"She'll find out eventually," I shrug, reading her expression, "I don't give a shit… if you don't, either." She smiles, and it's the purest smile I have ever seen. Like a child on Christmas morning, practically. It soothes the ache in my chest; since I met this girl, I have always wondered if she was ever ashamed of the idea of being seen with me. I feel a swell of hope. It's stupid, this hope I have that she could ever love me back. Fuck. Did I just admit that I love this girl?
I did. I do. Fuck. I actually fucking love this strange, moody, mouthy girl. I'm in fucking love with her, and I have no way of admitting that out loud to her. I couldn't. The words would never form. Fuck me.
Could she love me, too? Would that ever be a possibility? I don't know. Fuck. I'm fucked. Royally. Fucked. I told myself I'd never get attached to anything, or anyone, ever again. Yet here we are.
I begin to feel the surge of panic starting in my spine; I can't un-admit it, I already fucking admitted it. Not out loud. But it's still freaking me out the fuck out. What the fuck is wrong with me?
"Hardin?" Tessa asks, a look of concern etched out on her beautiful face. I wasn't listening to anything she said. I can only blink at her.
"What?"
"I asked if you're sure," she says. Sure about us? Pretty fucking sure, yeah. I swallow back my panic. Calm down, Hardin.
"Yes," is all I can say. She smiles, stretching up on her toes to kiss me once more. It's a short kiss, nothing heated, but it makes me calm. She makes me calm, too. I can do this with her. I can be who she needs me to be… at least I think I can. I can try, at the very least.
For once, my dick has no say in this matter. I'm purely listening to my heart, and boy does it go mad for this girl. Fuck Nate for being right with his bullshit clichés.
"Do you want to join the others?" Tessa asks, breaking me from my thoughts again. I really need to start listening to what she's saying before I start to piss her off tonight. I look to where Steph has joined the others on the couches, followed by Nate and Zed, and Jace has arrived too it seems. Though he hasn't noticed me yet.
"Sure," I start to feel the panic creeping back in. I wish Jace weren't here right now… he only knows the shit that Molly's accused me of, so I don't think he'd try anything tonight; but on the other hand, he might still be pissed I threw him out of my car, too. I will just have to see how this plays out…
Tessa heads into the living room before I do; I can only stand like a fucking statue while I muster up the nerve to join her on the other couch. I notice Zed making his way to the empty spot beside her and it kicks my ass into high gear. I sink into the cushion next to her, draping my arm around Tessa's waist protectively. I don't need to protect her, and I know she doesn't want me to, but I need to hold onto her for my own sake.
Steph is the first one to notice my movement, and her mouth hangs open, gaping at us with her head tilted like a confused dog. Zed is glaring at me, and Nate is just scrolling through his phone.
Jace glances at me then, lowering his eyes to Tessa's body and where I am holding her. He takes a drag from the joint in his mouth and sits back, a smug smirk on his lips. He's not ready to call attention to it just yet; but I know he's not going to be subtle about it when he does.
"Pass the blunt, motherfucker," Nate says, holding his hand out to Zed, breaking me from my thoughts. Zed rolls his eyes, but passes it on. Nate is sitting on the armrest beside Tessa, and after taking a long hit he offers it to her. He knows she's unlikely to say yes, but I get the feeling he can sense the tension.
As I suspected, Tessa shakes her head. Nate tries to hand it to me but I don't need to be more paranoid than I already am. I shake my head, earning a shrug before he takes another hit from it.
"Hey Hardin," Jace nods at me, "how are things?"
I know if I play dumb, he'll call me out on my shit. So I decide to keep my answer neutral, and my voice even.
"Same old shit," I shrug nonchalantly, trying not to glare at him even though I know an idea is forming in his twisted, fucked up mind. I just don't want him to say anything that's going to make Tess run away from me. That's the last thing I want right now. It's nice, sitting next to her and just holding her. I want to show her off, that she's my girl, but I don't want to make her uncomfortable, either.
"Not the way I see it," Jace comments, cutting his eyes at where my hand is rubbing slow circles against Tessa's hip. He tilts his chin toward us, toward Tessa, and asks, "So Molly wasn't just talking crazy shit… when did that happen?"
All eyes are on us now. I kind of like this freedom just being with her this way. I don't want to keep hiding the fact that we're together. I've got it bad. I shrug.
"A few weeks now," I say truthfully, hearing Tessa's shocked gasp at my admission, followed by Steph's. I see Zed's murderous glare and Nate is grinning like a fool. I knew he would get a kick out of me finally admitting it.
As if on cue, we're joined by Molly and Logan. Perfect timing, fuckers. Logan takes the spot on the armrest next to me, taking in everyone's expressions, and asks, "Uh oh, what'd I miss?"
"Hardin's got himself a girlfriend," Jace smirks, sitting up to rest his arms on his thighs. Logan glances over at us, nodding at me with a grin. The look Molly gives us is similar to Zed's, but much colder. Jace addresses Tessa then, asking, "What'd he have to do to get with you?"
I get the feeling he's insinuating that this is purely based on sex, and sex only. I know he thinks Tessa is naïve; that I'm using her. I catch myself grinding my teeth. I am about to speak up when Tessa's voice cuts through mine.
"Well…" she starts, sitting up straight, "for one he isn't looking at me like a piece of meat. Unlike you," she says, her voice sounding strong and feisty. I laugh out of shock, and glance at Jace to see his expression and wait for his retaliation.
She's wrong, however.
In the beginning, I looked at her that way but now I really see her. Regardless, she's sticking up for me in a positive way so I'm not correcting her on it in front of everyone. Christ, I love her attitude when it's not directed at me.
"Hardin's not the romantic type," Jace says in a taunting manner, cutting his eyes to me, "he's an asshole, like me and these fuckers. He thinks with his dick. And you know, when you first started coming around I thought it'd take him longer to get in your pants," he says.
I feel the anger in my blood instantly reach its boiling point; I don't know why I ever befriended Jace in the first place. There was a point in time that I was just as vile as him, but I've lost my touch a bit. I don't want to be like him anymore. My fingers stop moving when Tessa leans forward, her posture indicating that she's not putting up with anything more that Jace feels the need to comment on. She's hot when she's angry, but now is not the time to be getting turned on.
"You're disgusting," she scoffs at him, her lips curving into a smug smile of her own. I don't know where all of this attitude came from, but I fucking love it. Unfortunately, it's only egging Jace on.
"I'm probably right, though," Jace retorts, then shrugs, "I mean, unless you're still a virgin."
I feel Tessa's body tense for a moment, and I'm ready to intervene and stop this back and forth before it goes much farther, but Tessa speaks up again. Her voice is so bold and unwavering as she says, "Well, my virginity is none of your concern."
Others who have only just started listening in to this conversation laugh, or whistle like idiots. Tessa's attitude is a little too big for her britches at the moment, especially against an asshole like Jace, but I'm not going to tell her that. I really hate these fuckers… every last one of them.
Jace gives me a half-shocked, half-amused stare. I give him a look that warns him he better stop talking now before I lunge across the living room and strangle him until he turns cold.
"Fair enough," Jace shrugs, and takes another hit from his joint. He looks at me, and says, "I've got to be honest though, I can't see why you stopped fucking around with Molly for her. Molly's bitchy, but at least she knows her place… this chick's attitude rivals your stubborn ass. How do you put up with that?"
Molly spews a nasty comment at Jace, but I don't really pay her any attention. I'm afraid of Tessa's reaction.
"Enough, Jace," I warn. He had to mention Molly, he had to. Though he isn't wrong about the attitude comment, I know Tessa doesn't want to hear anything about me and Molly, especially involving the words fucking around. Besides, I'll put up with Tessa's feisty attitude over Molly's pettiness any day.
"She's so uptight about everything," Jace continues, "she seems like she could use a good fuck."
It's a similar comment to the one I made about Tessa when we met, and I hadn't thought about how fucked up it was when I first said it, but given Tessa's anger towards me then, I quickly realized it. And Jace already knows it's fucked up—that's exactly why he said it. If Tessa weren't practically glued to my hip on this tiny couch, I would have lunged for his throat. She is my anger's anchor in this moment. Otherwise, he'd be fucking bloodied and barely breathing.
"Shut the fuck up, Jace!" I snap, shaking with anger. My voice startles her at my side, and the others sitting around us. Tessa is quiet now, her furry gone and her ego most-definitely wounded.
This is part of the reason why I didn't even want her at this party in the first place—this is yet another way for Jace to fuck with me.
"Struck a chord," he taunts, smirking to himself. My palms are itching to hit him, I want to see his blood—but I can't be like this, not around Tessa. It's not that she doesn't already know the way I am… but I want to be different for her. I want to show her I'm not as hateful as I was before her… but it's fucking hard.
"Jace—," Zed starts.
"—Knock it off, man," Nate groans, shaking his head at Jace's comment, "That's fucked up. Don't fucking talk to her like that."
I'm surprised by the way Nate is sticking up for her, but considering he's the only one with the decency to tell Jace off—besides me—I'm grateful for him. He glances at me, giving me a quick nod. I can see Tessa look up, mouthing a quiet 'thank you' to him, before she stands up; I tug at her wrist, I don't want her to shut herself away but I know she will. She frees her hand and heads for the stairs, leaving me in the living room surrounded by these assholes. Steph jumps up from the couch, trailing up the stairs behind her.
I cut my eyes at Jace. I hate him.
"Cry baby," Molly sneers after her the moment Tessa is out of sight.
"If you know what's good for you, you'll keep your fucking comments to yourself from now on," I snap at her, "I'll fuck your world up faster than you can roll your eyes at me."
She gives me a cold, angry stare. Whatever game she and Jace are playing together, I want no part in. I know I've been a major asshole, but what did I do to deserve this kind of bullshit from them?
"And you," I say, pointing a finger at Jace as I rise from my seat on the couch, "Whatever fucked up plan you've thought up to try and piss me off, it's already worked, so you better quit while you're ahead."
I storm out of the living room and up the stairs to find my girl. I know there's a possibility she's in my room, but I see the door to the bathroom down the hall open, and only Steph is standing outside. She looks up at me and nods.
"She's in there, she won't let me in," Steph says, "... you could have at least told me, you know?"
"I'm surprised Molly didn't bitch about it to you already," I retort. Steph flinches at my tone, taking a step back from me.
"Molly kind of did… she said she had a feeling, but she didn't tell me all of that."
"All of what?" I ask.
"You obviously care about Tessa," Steph waves a hand dismissively at me, "You've been together behind everyone's backs for what… weeks, you said? Molly didn't know all of that, she just knew you weren't interested in her anymore."
"Molly did know, because she said a lot of shit to my face about Tessa and me," I say, annoyed, "but she knew a lot more than she let you believe."
"So why didn't Tessa tell me, then?" Steph asks, the hurt is clear as day in her voice.
"You'll have to ask her that yourself," I say and brush past her. I knock on the bathroom door, a little too loud over the noise of the music, and after a long moment the door swings open. Tessa looks between me and Steph, lowering her eyes when Steph asks if she's okay.
"I think I'm ready to leave," Tessa says, "I knew this party was a bad idea."
"Don't let Jace get to you," Steph starts to say, "or Molly. They're just…" her defense falls short of convincing and just Tessa shakes her head.
"I'm exactly what Nate said, I'm nothing like any of you," Tessa sighs, "I shouldn't have tried to be. I should have known it was going to come back to bite me for thinking I ever could be."
"No, don't say that!" Steph replies, a sad look on her face, "You're my friend… and Nate's.. and Hardin's."
Nice way of making Tessa feel even lower, Steph… she's just my friend? I shake my head.
"You're making it worse," I say quietly through my teeth, giving her a look. Steph presses her mouth into a tight line.
"Why does Jace say such awful things?" Tessa asks, looking like she's about to cry again. I glance at Steph, warning her to keep shut. Jace is an asshole, we've established that already… it wouldn't do any good now to remind Tessa of that fact.
"You stood up for yourself," I tell her, trying to reassure her, though I'm sure I'm failing, "I've never heard anybody talk to him like that before."
"I don't know what came over me," she blushes. I smirk. From the corner of my eye, I notice Steph glancing between us.
"I'll give you guys a minute," she says, her tone full of suggestion. I would need more than a minute, if she's suggesting that. I would give Tessa the full experience, but tonight is not the night and I don't need those assholes downstairs giving her more of a tough time. She looks at Tessa and says, "I'll just be downstairs."
"Okay."
Steph disappears down the staircase and when she's out of sight, I step toward Tessa and rest my hands on her hips, pulling her body closer. She bites her lip, dropping her head into her hands.
"Do you think I made him angry?" She asks.
"Fuck him," I say, then reconsider my word choice, "Don't, actually."
She gives me a look.
"Who cares?" I ask after a moment, "Jace will get over it."
"I was kind of awful…" she says.
"He was worse," I say, then look away, "what he said to you…"
"I know," she half-whispers, and the tension between us gets thick. She remembers. I wish she wouldn't, but I know she can't forget it.
"I was an idiot for saying that once," I admit. Tessa nods, biting into her lip.
"Yeah, you kinda were…" she smirks at me, and I feel the ice in my chest melt. I'm relieved that she doesn't think of me in a bad way anymore, especially after that fight at my father's house, "I forgave you, though."
"Somehow," I nod. We fall into an uncomfortable silence; despite her forgiveness, I'm sure my, at the time, hateful comment still burns like acid.
"We should probably go back downstairs," Tessa sighs after a moment. She wipes at the black smudges under her eyes.
"We don't have to," I tell her. She gives me a look, though that's not what I was referring to. I shake my head at her, "I just mean you don't have to go back down there if you don't want to."
"Oh."
"If you had something else in mind, though, I'm sure I can help with that," I tease her. Tessa blushes and shakes her head.
"I don't know why I assumed that," she says. I want to tell her it's because she's thinking the same thing I am, but I'm only thinking of it because she said it first. I don't call her out, though.
"How do I look?" She asks after she's wiped all of the black smudges away.
"Still beautiful, Tess," I say. She doesn't need the make-up, really. She looks beautiful to me either way. Tessa rolls her eyes.
"You're not just saying that, I hope," she teases me.
"Of course not."
"Okay," she nods, her smile returning, "Then I think I'm ready to go back downstairs now."