Day Seventy-Five: No More Running
A/N: Y'all want Anna to stop being a bitch?
It's raining, a rare sight around this time of year.
The drops are hitting the window hard enough to make me grateful that I'm inside, and not out in the city. Wandering aimlessly, not knowing where the hell to go.
Instead, I'm here sitting on my couch with my knees pressed to my chest, listening to the rainfall. The lights are off which gives everything this gray hue, and...it's cold. The room is so much colder than I remember. I could easily walk to my bedroom and grab my blanket, but I stay here.
Right here.
I figure it's where I need to be.
It's where I have to be.
Aurora...just...what the fuck was I thinking? How stupid was I that I thought she was the one to finally drag me out of my miserable life? And to even think that my life is so miserable right now shows just how selfish I really am.
I live in a luxury suite at one of the finest hotels in the world, and I didn't have to pay a fucking dime! All my expenses are paid, and I can do literally whatever I want with my time. I don't have to find a job to make ends meet anymore, I don't have to deal with shitty landlords, I don't have to pay to do laundry.
And I wasn't grateful for it.
Why?
Because I have to live with Elsa again? My ex-girlfriend? A girl who, through her own admission, broke us up through factors that were out of her control? A girl whose mental health is so fragile that just one shitty word from me could ruin her entire week? A girl who I promised to be there for and ditched her time after time?
There are no words to describe the level of assholishness that I have achieved in less than three months' time.
The freezer door closes, and Elsa's walking back to me with two spoons and pints of mint ice cream. She's got a sympathetic smile on her face as she sits down across from me, and it's an all-too-familiar scene.
It's been a shitty few days for the both of us, and I'm not sure whose had it w- oh, who am I kidding, Elsa's definitely had it worse. No contest. She's had to deal with me, of course she's had it worse.
And yet she's the one that got the ice cream, and the one that's had a smile on her face on the days that it shouldn't seem possible.
She's strong, stronger than I've ever given her credit her for. But I know that she's in a lot of pain too, the image of that knife and letter on her bed is burned into my mind. It makes me sick to my stomach wondering what would have happened if I'd gotten here just a few minutes later.
What would she have done? What would I have seen? And to think, I wanted to get some fucking pancakes first before coming back.
So I should be there for her, and I'm fucking not. I want to, but I fucking can't.
Because I don't know if she'll let me.
"Thanks," I say as she hands me my own pint and spoon. "I...thanks."
"Mint's still your favorite, right?" She asks while showing her pint of the same flavor.
"Of course."
"Good," she replies proudly. "I got it right."
Of course she did. Of course she cares enough to remember. She always remembers. Unlike me…
We eat in silence while staring out the window. It's not as good as the parlor's, but then nothing tastes edible right now anyway. This isn't hunger, this is just a distraction. Something to get both our heads on straight.
"This should be a thing that we do," Elsa says after a little bit of time. "We should always have ice cream in the freezer, just in case you and I ever need some."
"That sounds like a good idea, yeah."
Elsa swallows another spoonful and nods, "I'll pick up some more tomorrow."
More silence after that. It's not that we're struggling to find something to talk about, we both know what needs to be said. Okay, well I know what I need to say- I can't just assume I know what Elsa wants to say. God knows I haven't been around enough to do that…
No more letting Elsa do everything. No more avoiding her. No more looking out for only myself. We're supposed to be doing this together.
Goddamn it Anna, we were supposed to be doing this together! I don't give a shit what you think, you're gonna be here for her no matter what.
Elsa sets her spoon down into her half-empty pint, "How-"
"How are you doing?"
She's taken aback by my interruption, but composes herself with a sigh, "Anna, you don't-"
"No. We're not talking about me anymore, it's been all about me for too long. Besides, I...I don't really wanna talk about everything yet. I wanna be here for you right now. So, how are you doing?"
"Anna…" She wants to argue this, I know she does. Talking about herself is still hard for her, even now. But I'm stubborn, and she has to sense the pleading in my eyes. With a sigh, she says instead, "I-I've been better."
"I'm sorry I haven't been here for you," I reply. "I was too busy looking out for myself, even though I promised that I would help you."
Elsa tugs at the end of her braid and lets out a sad laugh, "It's not like I've been easy to talk to lately."
I, of course, don't see the humor in that. In fact, that just reminds me of how little I actually tried. While I was off fucking a lying cheater, she was here waiting for me. Hoping, hoping, that I'd talk to her again.
I'm trying not to cry because I know that once I start again I won't be able to stop. That, and I don't deserve to cry, I don't deserve to feel sad about what I did. "That doesn't excuse me from not trying harder. You shouldn't have had to…" I can't even say it.
Elsa doesn't say it either, she nods. "That was stupid, it was just a moment of weakness. That's all."
"Were you gonna do it?"
Her eyes widen, and she looks down guiltily at her ice cream. The silence is all the answer that I need. "I was getting worried that you wouldn't come back. Even though you said you would."
"I was always gonna come back Elsa, but I never should have left in the first place."
If any of my words are reassuring, or even phasing her, it doesn't show. The frown on her face doesn't seem completely sad, but it's as if it's the only expression she can muster right now. A smile doesn't seem right, for either of us. It's my fault that this is happening, so I'm the only one that has to make this right.
"Elsa…" I say after another minute of silence, "I want you to know that I'm not gonna run anymore. I'm gonna keep my promise and be here for you whenever you need, and whatever you need from me."
She sets her empty pint on the coffee table and lets out another sigh so soft that it almost seems like a normal breath, "Anna, please. You don't have to do that."
"You're right. I need to."
"No, I don't want you to feel like you owe me anything. I screwed up too, so there's no need-"
"Elsa, shut-" I move fast, sliding forward so that I can put my hand on hers. It's instinctual, I don't even give myself time to think of a better idea. Obviously, Elsa flinches and gasps when I'm suddenly right up in her face. But she doesn't pull her hand back, and she even meets my gaze for a couple of seconds before turning her eyes back to the floor.
I couldn't let her keep blaming herself.
"I mean it," I start with maybe a bit too much intensity. Before continuing, I take a deep breath and speak more calmly. "I'm here for you, Elsa. You said that I shouldn't make promises that I can't keep, well this is a promise I can. No more running, no more yelling, no more blaming you for stupid shit. I'm not going anywhere, and I will always be here for you."
This is a really big promise, and a hard one to keep. But when I close my eyes, I see...so many things. I see me and Aurora at her father's mansion, while Elsa waits for me to come back. I see me getting black-out drunk on top of a bar counter, while Elsa waits to continue our conversation. I see me storming out with a duffel bag full of clothes, while Elsa cries alone in her room. I see me walking back ashamed, while Elsa sits with that...that fucking knife.
I squeeze Elsa's hand, "Just tell me what you need."
Everything about what's going right now is so unlike me. I'm usually not this vulnerable and soft-spoken. I mean I did almost tell her to shut up, but I held my tongue, which is more than I can usually say for myself.
It's terrifying, but also liberating. And I hope Elsa can see that I really, truly am here for her. And that she'll let me be here.
There's more of that silence, but it feels different this time. It's colder, full in the sense that it's the only thing surrounding us right now. I can't even hear the clock ticking. But since all that's around us is the quiet and the rain hitting the windows, the feel of her thumb brushing mine feels so much more sensitive. And her soft voice gives me an answer loud and clear:
"Do you...wanna watch a movie?"