Authors note: This chapter is starting off exactly where the last one ended.

Natasha was in the medical suite and she paused before she knocked on Steve's bedroom door. When she heard no response, she opened it hesitantly to revile an empty bedroom with the sheets and covers laying unmade. She flicked on the light and looked over at the bathroom that joined the two bedrooms. The door was shut and the light inside was off. She quietly grabbed some lounge cloths for Steve to change into and then went out of the room and over to the door that lead directly to Bucky's own bedroom, knocking gently only to receive no reply.

"Barnes?" She called softly and after a moment she heard the soft click of the lock before he opened the door wide and stepped back remaining silent. He stood motionless, head down and damp hair obscuring his face, bear chest still damp and wearing only a pair of sweat pants.

"Hi Bucky." Natasha spoke softly, not asking him anything or assuming what he might say. The Widow studied the still figure, taking notice that he was exposing his naked chest even though it had been obvious in the recent weeks how the newly awakened persona of James Buchanan Barnes had been shy and uncomfortable about the scars on his torso and shoulder. There was a long silence and he remained motionless and still, his deep breaths were measured and deliberately calm, communicating without words his strangle hold grip on self-control. The SHEILD operative swallowed with a compassionate frown as in that moment Natasha realized just how much the man standing before her was suffering. Reliving the pain of his most recent flashback had been more debilitating then Sergeant James Buchannan Barnes was able to deal with. She let out a breath before she spoke, trying her best to maintain an even, flat tone.

"Soldat?" The Widow addressed the Asset who rose his head slowly until two exhausted, resigned eyes drifted up toward her, stopping to gaze in the distance over her left shoulder.

"Готовы выполнить" Ready to comply.

His expression was blank, but there was an unmistakable pain in his glazed blue eyes, and his flesh fist was trembling at his side. Natasha felt her heart ach as she let out a soft sigh, looking away before she blinked a few times, getting her own emotions in check.

"Солдат, ты знаешь, где ты сейчас?" (Soldat, Do you know where you are right now?) Her voice was steady, and her words direct, no longer soft and cautious as she studied his attempt to channel the Winter Soldier programing in order to deal with the immense emotional turmoil that his memories of sexual assault had invoked. She could tell Barnes was hiding beneath the Asset's mask but as an operative who has been forced to survive her own masquerade, she knew the value of letting him conceal his pain until he was ready to trust others with it.

"Я в ожидании приказа капитана." I am on standby awaiting orders from the Captain. The Soldier responded after a moment of contemplation crossed his features in the shuttered blinks of his blue eyes, a slight frown on his face.

"What is your current location Sergeant Barnes?" Natasha switched to English but kept the official, authoritative tone in her voice. The Asset's brow creased more as he blinked a few more times and his gaze shifted to meet her patient green eyes. He swallowed and opened his mouth to respond, voice small and unsure.

"I,… I'm … here,… I am at the Tower,…. With… Steve,…where,… where is Steve?... Steve?!" It was as if the vail of Hydra programing had been lifted and Bucky was no longer forcibly calm, a full body tremor racking through him as he looked everywhere at once, fear rekindled in his large blue eyes.

"He went to the gym,… He's on his way back to you." Natasha once more allowed a softness and compassion to slip into her voice, aware of the anxiety that was radiating from the POW who was battling to maintain his grip on sanity while reliving the horrors of his past. The Sergeant took in a few calming breaths before he closed his eyes and turned away.

"No,… Tell him,… I can't… I can't right now... it's too much!" Bucky's voice was a hushed whisper filled with despair and ever-present fear.

"You can tell him yourself,… when you see him." Natasha spoke her words with a gentleness despite her declaration refusing to intervein with Steve on his behalf. Bucky let out a frustrated groan and rest his bowed head against the door frame, flesh hand coming up to cover the scares on his shoulder where the metal met flesh.

"Natasha, Please,… I am too tired,… I can't…" Bucky's voice quivered, and he swallowed thickly, unable to suppress the emotional rasp his words betrayed. "I need to be alone right now…" Bucky mumbled, hair covering his face, shoulders slumped.

"You've been alone for a lifetime Sergeant Barnes. Just because you are use to licking your wounds in the privacy of your own mind… doesn't mean you can't let others help with the bandages." The red head spoke with a relaxed but firm tone.

"But I need to bleed out their poison… I can feel it under my skin!" Bucky's words broke but he sucked in a breath to suppress a sob, face still obscured.

"It's too late, the poison can't be bled out. But there is an antidote." Natasha stated simply, waiting for him to raise his troubled gaze. When he did finally meet her eyes he looked just as shattered as Steve had in the gym. "You got to let people in,.. let them fill you with their love and light,…it will help you heal… You can't do it on your own Barnes… I know,… I've tried." She offered her own sad smile before reaching out to squeeze his flesh shoulder, ignoring the flinch and tremor her touch invoked.

"It's too much,… I can't talk about this…this… shit with him right now!" There was a desperation in his voice that bordered on panic and Natasha knew he was close to breaking down.

"So don't." The former KGB asset offered with a shrug and chocked eyebrow, offering a small smirk to ease the tension. "Just go to sleep,… things won't be so bad in the morning." The Widow fixed him with a calm, non- judgmental look and nodded, as she stepped back. "You don't have to explain anything to him or to us… Just rest and let his presence help ground you… Hiding will only make things harder for both of you." She waited for him to respond and received a shuddered sigh and grimace as he looked down, biting his bottom lip as he turned away and shut the door. She paused to listen for the lock, but it didn't come, just the sound of him leaning against the door and a muffled curse in Russian.

Natasha turned away and walked with deliberate strides out of the medical suite, waiting until she was in the elevator before she let out her own emotionally choked shudder. She closed her eyes and took several breaths letting the sickening feeling move through her as fragments of her own past reminded her of exactly how it felt to have her body used for others gratification. She was a Black Widow, an asset of the Red room whose only purpose was to follow orders and complete the mission, not to question authority. She swallowed down her emotions as she blinked a few more times and rolled her shoulders. There was no use letting the past twist her gut into knots. She had long ago grieved for the childhood lost and accepted those painful memories as part of who she once was but not who she was determined to become, a SHEILD agent and an Avenger. Natasha pushed the button on the elevator and took one last deep, steading breath. She had been strong enough to survive and move on with her life, she had no doubt that Sergeant Barnes could do the same.

…

Steve stood under the hot spray of the shower, letting the tension drain from his muscles as he rest his forehead against the tile. He focused on accepting the truth of what Hydra had subjected Bucky too and tried not to let his imagination paint any images of his friend, the man he loved, being violated and abused. He had to let go of his anger and his desire for revenge and instead try to figure out how to help Bucky get through this and not succumb to the shame and humiliation Steve knew would overwhelm Bucky's battered pride. The Captain pushed away from the hot spray, and grabbed the soap, using it efficiently and rinsing quickly.

Bucky had been making so much progress breaking through Hydra's programing, fighting to regain his sense of self after endless decades of captivity. Steve needed to help him come to terms with what horrors Hydra had inflicted on him and remind him that he was no less a man, a man that Steve loved unconditionally. The Captain let out a sigh as he shook his head after turning off the spray. His love for Bucky would never faulter or diminish no matter what painful truths were revealed but Steve understood now that expressing that love with sexual intimacy was hurting him by triggering memories of cruelty and perverse manipulation. For that reason, Steve could not suppress his own feelings of guilt and remorse, disgusted by his own lust and desire for a man who had been abused so horribly.

When he stepped into the changing room with a towel wrapped around his waist Nat was there with Sam, the two speaking quietly before turning to face him. The Captain stopped and looked at his teammates feeling more naked then he already was, his careless actions and selfish behavior the cause of Bucky's most recent flashback. Steve's expression must have broadcasted his internal monologue because instantly both Sam and Natasha's faces transformed from pensive to concerned and sympathetic.

"Hey Man,… We are gonna get through this one Steve,… Just like all the other garbage Hydra has dumped on you guys!" Sam offered as he took a few steps forward and placed a hand on his shoulder, warm and grounding just as Bucky had always done when Steve was just Steve and Bucky was just Bucky.

"How is he Nat?" Steve asked, knowing that the Widow would have checked on Bucky, the two sharing their own connection that Steve had learned related back to the KGB and the Red room but the details had not been disclosed and so he didn't ask. The Widow offered a small smile and handed him clothes.

"He's not okay,… But neither are you." She stated as a matter of fact but her tone was considerate and not unkind. "He's probably feeling just as raw and overwhelmed as you are right now,… but he doesn't know how to deal with it." Steve met her hazel green eyes and then looked over at Sam before staring down at the cloths in his hands.

"That makes too of us." Steve whispered solemnly, gripping the cloths in his fist as he closed his eyes and shook his head.

"Just be there for him Steve, that's all you really can do right now man. Just let him know that whatever he remembers and however he's feeling about it, nothings gonna change the fact that you got his back." Sam spoke with sincerity and Steve looked up at him with a look of guilt and remorse.

"What if he doesn't want me to have his back?... What if he thinks that I,… that what they did,…" Steve shook his head and swallowed as a wave of nauseas coursed through him at the thought that Bucky would feel violated by Steve like he had been with Hydra.

"What if isn't normally a question you ask yourself Captain America… Usually you just charge in and let your gut tell you what to do." Natasha mused with a gentle smirk and Steve offered a huff as he shook his head.

"Well,... When it comes to this,… I feel like everything I do makes things worse." Steve grumbled.

"It's gotta get worse before it gets better Steve… You've been careful with him, taking things slow like the Psych Doc told you… These memories were gonna resurface at some point,… and he is gonna have to deal with all the nastiness that goes with it. He needs you to help him accept what happened to him but also remind him that it's not his fault and he is no less a man." Sam squeezed the Captain's shoulder and nodded before taking one step closer.

"And if he looses his shit over this,… help him come back, if he's scared of you,… help him remember who you are and what you two have together… And if he needs some space…" Sam nodded again. "You know your buddy better than anyone here the Psy Doc included… But you gotta keep your head on straight no matter what he says or does because he's hurting right now and probably isn't able to think past how bad this is making him feel." Sam patted Steve's shoulder and backed up a few Steps. The Captain nodded with a heavy sigh and turned to go into a changing room stall.

"And Cap…" Sam added as Steve turned back around. "Don't forget that if things go bad and you need back up or a break,… You got a whole team behind you man!" Sam nodded and Natasha smiled, her hands on her hips. Steve nodded and and offered an exhausted smile and a half hearted salute before pulling the curtain closed. For not the first time in the past several months Steve was thankful he had friends to help guide him and reassure him during this struggle of Bucky's recovery other wise he would feel truly lost.

….

It was almost three in the morning when Steve quietly entered the dimly lit medical suite. He stopped outside of Bucky's door, pausing as he took a breath and listened to see if he could hear his friend inside. Natasha had told Steve after he was fully dressed how Bucky had briefly reverted back to the Winter Solider programming but that he was himself when she left and that he said he was tired and wasn't up to talking. Steve secretly hoped that was true as he had no idea what to say to his best friend but still wanted to be with him, offering comfort and support. As Steve lingered a moment longer, hovering right outside the door he was startled as it began to open, just a few feet. Bucky stood there with his eyes down cast wearing a navy blue hoodie, hair obscuring his face. He didn't say anything to Steve or meet the Captain's eyes, instead just turning away and walking back to his neatly made bed where he sat down tense on the edge, hands gripping the comforter in fists. Steve pushed the door open and stepped inside of the dark room, illuminated only by the dim light outside.

The Captain stood awkwardly just inside the threshold not sure what to do next. After a moment he spoke softly.

"Bucky?" Steve questioned, hoping he could get a response that would let him know what his friend wanted from him.

"I'm tired Stevie." The former Asset sighed as he rubbed his eyes with his flesh hand.

"Ok,… Do you want me to sleep in the other room tonight?" Steve offered with a cautious tone. Bucky shifted slightly, looking up through his long hair with eyes that looked wary and apprehensive. He looked away again and swallowed before giving a small shrug.

"Dunno." He admitted and his body shook with a tremor as he bit his lip and closed his eyes against a few tears that threatened to fall.

Steve felt his fists clench and let his instincts take over. He closed distance with a few slow steps and then knelt down Infront of his friend, looking up with complete genuine devotion. He waited until Bucky turned his wet, exhausted gaze toward him, arms crossing over his stomach, hugging himself tight.

"Whatever you need Bucky,… it's okay if you don't know,… if your feeling confused or upset or,…. However your feeling right now,… I love you Bucky, and I promise I will never force you to do anything you don't want to do,… it's your choice pal,… you choose what you want me to do." Steve's words were spoken with conviction but as he saw a flicker of pain flash across Bucky's features followed by a full body tremor his heart sunk. Bucky looked away again and swallowed as if he felt sick to his stomach, grimacing as he shut his eyes and shook his head. After a few snorts of air he unclenched his jaw and let out a shuddered breath before it turned into a miserably laugh. The former Asset shook his head again as he closed his eyes and wiped away the tears that escaped down his cheeks.

"They,… Hydra gave me a choice too Stevie." His voice was a broken whisper and when he opened his eyes he kept them off to the side as he spoke.

"When,… before,…" Bucky took in a shaky breath and shook his head as he bit his lip. Steve stayed completely silent and braced himself, knowing somehow that despite all of the other traumatic violations and cruel indignities Bucky had suffered at the hands of their enemy, the memories his friend was struggling with now were likely some of the worst. Bucky closed his eyes again and then spoke with a look of pain on his face as if to say it out loud was physically hurting him.

"Before I forgot who I was,… before they started using the chair,… they were trying to break me,… and,… they knew,… I don't know how but,… They knew about,… You,… and me,…about us." He opened his eyes and dragged his hunted gaze over toward Steve who's posture stiffened as he sucked in a breath. Bucky's arms were wrapped around his stomach, hands gripping the fabric of his sleeves as he began to rock slightly, eyes dropping down again and as he spoke, voice shaking.

"They called me, Капитанская шлюха, Captain's Whore,… and they said I had a choice,… I could be their Soldier and become the fist of Hydra or… their whore." Bucky let out a wincing sigh as he shook his head new tears flooding his face as his voice broke.

"I tried to fight back Stevie,… I swear to God I tried to kill every one of those Hydra bastards but,… I was so weak,… Could hardly stand,… only had one lousy arm." He shuddered again and a small sob escaped his lips.

"I never choose,… I just kept cursing them to Hell until,… Until I couldn't refuse no-more,… until those rat-faced sons of bitches won,… They made me their Solider,…and their whore,…" Bucky's confession felt like Steve had been stabbed in the gut and the muffled sobs that followed, face hidden in his flesh hand helped twisted the blade deeper.

"Bucky!... No!" Steve gasped out as he moved to sit next to his friend on the edge of the bed wrapping his arms around Bucky's shaking shoulders and pulling him in close.

"No Buck!... That's not true,… You were never a whore,… not for Hydra and never for me!" Steve's own voice was steady with conviction as he forced himself to become Captain America, instinctually knowing that when Bucky was feeling down on himself he needed someone to set him straight. It had always been Bucky's father Gorge Barnes who often took things too far and was probably the reason Bucky always tried to put on a brave face because crying made him a coward in the Barnes household. However, Steve knew that Bucky was use to responding to it, primary conditioning long before Hydra from a strict Irish Catholic family struggling during the Great Depression, were you had to be tougher then the world around you.

"Bucky look at me,… Look at me Buck!" Steve commanded and Bucky dropped his hand dramatically as he punched his own leg hard and jerked his angry, tearful gaze toward Steve but not up to his eyes. The Captain grabbed Bucky's jaw with slight force, raising his head up until those anguished blue eyes met Steve's own intense stare.

"You are not a Whore,… you are not a victim of those sadistic cowards,… you are a survivor,… you are an American Sergeant who endured more than 70 years as a Prisoner of War." Steve moved his firm grip from Bucky's clenched jaw line to cup the back of his friend's neck.

"You are not weak. You are one of the strongest and bravest men I know. You have faced every new challenge, no matter how painful, with courage and determination, fighting to recover who you are, who you have always been!" Steve let his serious expression soften, a small smile on his lips as he shook his head, fingers massaging the tension in Bucky's neck muscles as the brunette man let out a calming breath, eyes no longer angry as he wiped the tears from his cheeks looking away.

"You are my best friend Bucky,… and no matter what happened before or what happens now,… I will always be by your side, to remind you who you really are, the MAN you are!" Steve leaned in and kissed Bucky's forehead and then pressed his forehead to Bucky's as he felt his friend's flesh hand come up and grip his bicep.

"They don't matter anymore Buck,… they tried to break you but you always resisted,… so they had to erase you… And even that didn't destroy Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes!" Steve pulled back and moved his hand from Bucky's neck to the side of his friend's face, cupping his calm but wide eyed expression, lips in a vulnerable pout.

"You're here with me,… all these years later!" Steve's smile grew and he let his own eyes tear up.

"After everything,… After we both gave our lives for our country,… we wake up in this crazy new world!… This is our second chance Bucky!... We can do whatever we want,…" Steve's smile was infectious and Bucky let out a huff of air and shook his head with a small smirk reaching up to hold Steve's pam against his face and then turned into his hand and planted a small kiss, eyes staying locked with Steve's.

Bucky reached forward with his flesh hand and wiped at Steve's eyes with exaggerated annoyance.

"You ain't suppose to be the one crying here Cap!" Bucky's voice was horse from crying, but his tone was light. Steve caught his hand and returned the kiss to Bucky's knuckles, each one. He then looked Bucky in the eye with deliberate intent and picked up his metal hand that had been resting on his thigh. Steve made a point of holding the metal appendage that Bucky still avoided touching him with. He looked down at the metal arm and hand, caressing it gently before bringing the hand to his lips as he kissed those knuckles as well.

Bucky watched him with a shudder and swallowed before he rose his gaze to Steve's when the Captain set down his hand, interlocking their fingers.

"I don't,… I don't know how I feel about,… about us,… about,… the stuff we do,… at night." Bucky blushed hard and looked away, never able to really talk about their no secret intimacy.

"I love you Bucky,… always have, always will!... Where we go from here is up to you,… I will follow your lead Pal,… whatever you want,… or don't want." Steve's expression was sincere and earnest as he nodded. Bucky swallowed and looked down at their hands held together, flesh and metal in Steve's lap.

"I wish I could forget about everything Hydra did to me,… and everything they made me do." Bucky's words were whispered, and he sighed. Steve had no reply so instead he just used his free hand to gently brush through Bucky's hair. With a wary sigh Bucky closed his eyes and leaned into the touch. They stayed like that for a few long moments until Bucky laid back into the bed and pulled Steve towards him. The Captain pulled the covers down and then over them both as Bucky pressed his back against Steve's front and kept their fingers linked, safe in Steve's embrace as he drifted into sleep.

End Note: Bucky is not magically all better but at least he knows now where his anxiety over sexual intimacy has been coming from. Trauma like that never goes away but he is resilient and will learn how to process and deal with it.