CHAPTER NINETEEN
(BPOV)
Jacob swiftly turned off the engine to the rabbit when we pulled up in front of the dimly lit funeral home, the sound of the rain pounding down on the roof filling the cab, as I looked his way and saw his mask begin to slip further.
This was going to be hell and I didn't know how he would emerge from the flames at the end, or if he would be able to emerge from them at all. In my profession and on the job I held, I'd seen my fair share of grieving parents, scared out of their mind friends, and inconsolable spouses cradling their children who screamed out in terror when we wheeled their loved one away from them. It was all part of the life that came with being a trauma nurse, and I thought that witnessing such things like this would be the worst of it. That telling a crying spouse or a pacing parent that their significant other had perished would be the most horrific part of the job, but as I sat here in the darkened car with Jacob, I realized that there were far worse things out there to face.
He looked liked he was stuck somewhere between reality and what he wished to be different, caught somewhere in the middle of letting go and hanging on to his Lillian for dear life. Seeing him this way made me question everything I knew about grief and about the process of it all. Who the hells job was it anyway to decide the length of time one needed to say a final goodbye to someone they would have easily sacrificed themselves for, for someone they would have willingly traded places with if it meant that they got the second chance at this fleeting thing called life.
Jacob had already seen his fair share of pain and I visibly winced when I looked over to him and recalled the last time he'd graced this very door step. When the horrendous accident that had tragically taken his mother had been so horrific that they had to keep her casket closed during the funeral. I could still close my eyes and see the tears that dripped down his small cheeks as an innocent nine year old boy, his hand enclosed tightly in his sisters who sat on either side of him while they buried her.
My stomach tightened as an unmovable knot formed there when he reached for his door handle and got out, his face unreadable as he retreated around to my side and motioned for me to come in with him.
I followed behind him, noticing the rigidness in his form when he swung open the heavy wooden door and escorted me inside, my face instantly paling when the same coroner from the airport stepped out and greeted us both with a remorseful nod of his head.
"Mr. Black, we've been expecting you."
Jacob cleared his throat and silently handed over Lillian's personal belongings then. All of them he'd gathered in a small bag of hers when he stopped at their house along the way. I had stayed in the car for as long as I could but when the minutes began to steadily pass, I'd forced myself to get out and hesitantly followed after him.
The door was left cracked open and it squeaked in protest when the hinges moved. I nervously peeked my head in around the door and saw the many paintings that covered the walls in their tiny home. They were unique and exquisite and I reached out to touch the first one when I heard the footsteps coming from down the hall. I stilled and let my hand fall as Jacob stepped out into the light of the doorway, his tears glistening down his cheeks with a bag clutched firmly in his left hand.
"I chose the blue one. She wore it on our first date. I forgot she even had it." He offered, holding up the robin egg blue dress that was made of a soft silk.
I could barely move or form a reply when he met my gaze. His eyes were filled with the kind of pain that would make anyone want to scream, but his mouth remained locked shut and his lips set in a firm line as he headed back outside.
"It's beautiful, Jacob." I breathed after him, my voice barely above a whisper.
He only nodded in reply as we got back in the Rabbit and headed for town, his hands struggling to keep a good grip on the steering wheel in front of him as they shook while we went.
"Are these the items you've chosen to be laid to rest with her? The dress you would like her to be laid in?" The coroner asked, his gaze going to me briefly while he patiently waited for Jacobs reply.
Seconds passed and he didn't answer him, his hand still curled tightly around the cloth bag and his eyes glued to it.
I timidly placed a hand on his shoulder and gave the coroner a slight nod as my hand came to rest on his forearm.
"Jake...-"
He let out a breath and reluctantly released the bag he had in a death grip, his eyes welling with more tears as he deplored the death of his Lillian. The coroner looked between us with a paled and unsure expression when he tugged the bag toward him, his own hands trembling some when he noticed the unbreakable hold Jacob previously had on it. The undertaker slowly approached him then, her long hair falling straight down her back and rich in chestnut color, her blue eyes soft and full of nothing but compassion when she met Jacobs anguished stare, the bereavement plainly showing in his face when he raised his head to her.
"Mr. Black, I'm Leanne. Let me first say that we are very sorry for your loss. I'll be the one taking care of your wife's funeral arrangements and her service. Have we decided on a time and do we have an estimate on the crowd that will be arriving here tomorrow?
"It's Jacob. Call me Jacob."
"Alright, Jacob." She complied with a tender smile his way, her heavily red painted lips parting over a set of perfectly white teeth with her simple gesture.
"I-I didn't get the numbers." He whispered in despair to me, his eyes roaming over my face as he tried to mentally calculate who would show for her funeral and who wouldn't. "Peter and Judy haven't called me back. Should I even count on them- and then there's some of her friends from her old school. They don't even know yet. I haven't had time to call all of them."
"It's okay. Can we have a minute, please? Would that be alright?" I softly asked Leanne, seeing her nod and quietly depart with the coroner as they left us alone.
Jacob shook his head and turned from me, his hands running through his cropped hair with a distressed sigh.
"I fucked this up already. I can't even fucking bury her right for shits sake!" He yelled, plopping down in the red cushioned chair by the door.
I looked around and counted the rows of seats in front of us, checking my math twice before offering him a count in reply.
"You didn't mess anything up. Take a deep breath. From what I count, there's enough seating for eighty people. Maybe even a dozen more if you needed a few more chairs as an after thought."
Jacob lifted his sorrowful gaze and looked around with me, noting the amount of room and nodding as he stood next to me.
"We'll need to book the whole room then. That's twice the money. I've already checked."
"Don't worry about the cost. Mr. and Mrs. Dawson are already on their way here. They're set to arrive at early dawn tomorrow. Martha called me from the airport."
"When did you take care of that?" Jacob disbelievingly countered, his tone troubled.
"I told Natalie to give them my cell number after we left and she did. I wanted them to have it just in case. I hoped it would help."
"Thank you, Bella."
"Of course."
Leanne soon returned with her papers and pen in hand and I sat down next to Jacob as he went over the finer details of Lillian's funeral with her. He was specific in the fact that he didn't want a viewing, just the funeral service itself and when Leanna kindly asked him if he wanted Lillian's casket to be open, he struggled to even give her an answer. After a slight nod, she stood and retreated to a back office with the mound of paperwork that Jacob signed, his John Hancock scribbled on half a dozen pages or more by the end of it.
This dreaded place brought back painful memories for him. Memories I often wondered if they ever kept him up at night. I felt my chest grow heavy when he leaned forward and placed his head in his hands, his strained words coming out in a choked gasp.
"I haven't been here since-..."
"I know...-" I quietly replied, my mind wandering back to when I myself was a mere child and staring wide eyed at the sadness on Billy's face when he laid his Sarah to rest. I could still remember every detail of that rainy day, recalling how the weather seemed to match the sorrow in everyone's hearts. I could still even remember the tears that were cried by all who came, and the remorse that filled Charlie's face when he took my hand and led us out to the car after the service was over.
I delicately placed my hand over Jacobs as Leanne headed back our way with a final paper for him to sign.
"This is the last of it. Thank you for being patient with us. We want everything to be perfect for you tomorrow. We are sorry for the delay."
"That's alright." Jacob replied, scribbling down his signature once more and handing her back the ballpoint pen. She smiled weakly at him and handed over his copy of all the needed documents in a white folder.
"These are for your records. As you requested, the service will start at ten in the morning and there will be an arrangement then made for a Spring Burial afterwards. Take all the time you need to look them over tonight. If there's anything you need changed, please call us in the morning, and we will be sure to tend to it accordingly." She turned to leave then as we rose from our seats and headed for the double wooden doors, her parting words suddenly halting us there. "Oh, I forgot to ask, do you have the names of the Pallbearers who will be carrying your wife's casket tomorrow? We've already reserved the cherry wood design you selected."
Jacob released my hand and looked back her way, as Leanne hurriedly prepared to jot them down, his simple request catching her off guard when he spoke it.
"Sam Uley, Paul Lahote, Embry Call, Seth Clearwater, Leah Clearwater, Jared Cameron, Quil Ateara and myself."
Leanne struggled to keep up with him, quickly writing the names all down on the paper in front of her before she looked his way in shock upon hearing the last one.
"Sir, I'm sorry? You?"
Jacob nodded and opened the door for us, the gust of cold air settling over my skin as I looked up at him with tears that began to cloud my vision.
"Yes, you heard me right. I'll be one of them. I'll be carrying her out. Please put my name down with all the others. Thank you."
I blinked and felt the tears glide down my cheeks as he briefly held my gaze there, his hand barely ghosting over my lower back when he guided me through the open door.
The drive back to the Reservation was short lived and as Billy's red house came into view, Jacob hit the brakes and brought the rabbit to a screeching halt just a few feet from his driveway. His body began to shake and I reached out a hand to feel the heat now radiating from him like a burning furnace. He turned his head my way, his chest heaving with his labored breaths as he fought like hell to keep the wolf that had been steadily clawing at him just under the surface for days now at bay. He hit the steering wheel with his hand and tugged harshly at the roots of his jet black hair, as his darkened gaze went to the pitch black forest line straight ahead of us.
I followed where his gaze was fixed and saw the tree's begin to sway in the whipping wind and rain as his tremors grew.
"How long have you been fighting the change?"
"Few days." He ground out in exasperation. "I can't. Not yet."
"Why?"
He locked eyes with me then, his guilt written in them as he let out a pained gasp along with his one word answer.
"Clarissa."
"She's safe with Emily and Sam for the night. You know that."
"I can fight it off a little longer." He stubbornly stated.
"Is that what you really want?"
He nodded and let the car coast into the drive before pulling the keys from the ignition and gesturing for the house.
"Dad never locks it. You can go in. I'll be alright." He tried to assure me, but I shook my head in protest and let the keys drop into the seat when he handed them over.
"I'd like to sit with you till it passes. I don't want you out here alone but if you really want me to go-"
He managed a shake of his head and climbed out of the car, his tremors not ceasing as he leaned against it and let the rain drench his heated skin. I went around to his side and stood there next to him, ignoring the chill that settled into my bones as I wrapped my coat around me tighter.
"You can get sick, Bella."
"I'm a nurse. So I already know all the risks. Remember?" I softly countered, glancing up toward the tree tops that continued to sway to and from in the heavy breeze.
After a few more minutes, his tremors began to slow and they finally stopped. Jacob wrapped an arm around my shoulders and drew me into his side, his cheek coming to rest on the top of my head.
"Charlie stayed with my dad. Got his text an hour ago when we were still at the funeral home. He wanted you to know that the spare key to the house is in the same spot as it's always been if you want to sleep there tonight."
I pressed myself in closer to his side and felt his body tense while he listened for my response to this and I didn't have the heart to leave him.
"It's been a really long day. I'm pretty tired. Would it be alright if I crashed on the couch just for tonight?"
"Sure, Sure." He replied, my heart warming at the sound of his signature phrase now. "I'll get you a spare pillow and some blankets."
We tiptoed around Charlie and Billy, both of them sound asleep and snoring loudly in the living room.
"I'm glad to see them resting. Especially Billy. He needs it."
"He does." Jacob agreed, handing me a stack of bedding and pointing to the couch in the corner. "It still gets drafty this time of year, so use all the blankets you need, Bells. If you want, I can start a fire and watch over it for a bit before I head to my old room?"
"No, that's okay. You need your rest, too. Don't worry about me. I'll be alright. I have plenty of blankets here. Thank you."
"I'm not gonna sleep." He stated, taking the top sheet from my hands, and swiftly making up the couch. He sheepishly glanced my way when he switched on the lamp and for a fleeting moment I was back in my room with him when we were only teenagers, the two of us desperately trying to figure out a way for us to stay just Jake and Bells while still being submerged in a world of the supernatural. I blinked and the memory was gone as I was thrown back into the present at the sound of his husky voice.
"Still not a huge fan of the dark, right?" He asked
"No, you got me there. That still hasn't changed."
I caught a glimpse of the faint half smirk that graced his lips and it made me pause at the sight of it, but all too soon, it vanished as quickly as it had shown.
"If you need anything in the night, you know where I'll be. Don't hesitate to ask." He offered, before crossing the room to head down the hall, the desolate look he wore causing me to rethink my prior statement.
"You know... on second thought. It is pretty cold in here. Maybe that fire would help to take the chill out?"
"Yeah, no problem."
I settled in on the couch and watched him as he stacked a few logs in the empty fireplace and lit a match, his back still turned when the flames began to greedily climb up the old brick walls and span out.
The heat from it was nice and I soon found it hard for me to keep my eyes open. I wrapped the blankets tightly around me as Jacob hunkered down in front of the fire, the crackling of it settling in as the only sound around us as he stared into the orange flames.
I dozed off in minutes and was startled awake at the feel of a hand grazing under my chin. I looked up to see Jacob tucking the blankets further in around my shoulders and caught hold of his hand, my exhausted and whispered words carrying out to him before he could leave.
"Are you heading to bed?"
"No, I couldn't sleep right now even if I tried."
His voice was uneven and I heard the fear behind his baritone. He didn't want to go to sleep because he knew what tomorrow held for him and he wanted it to never come.
I sat up and inched myself closer to the arm of the couch as I held his red rimmed gaze.
"Sit with me then. You're not alone. It's okay to close your eyes."
He didn't argue with me as he let out a heavy sigh and took the cushion next to me as I closed my eyes and felt his fingers soon lace with mine before I fell back to sleep.
"Night, Bells."
"Good night, Jake."
A/N: Thank you for reading and please leave a review with your thoughts. New update tomorrow :-)