Thanks so much to Bamberlee for editing this chapter!
Thanks to everyone for reading & reviewing! I'm dead tired so I don't have anything witty to write, but I appreciate everyone for following along! Happy Friday!
"Did you see her? Did you guys talk?"
Adam says the words into my neck, making me squirm. I try to stay quiet, but he keeps his mouth there, shoving my hair out of his face as he works his way up to the juncture of my jaw. His lips press gently, then firmer when I don't say anything.
"Evangelina Coulter, are you ignoring me? I need to know how you really feel about your friend dating your uncle. Actually, the whole faction wants to know, but you can tell me. I'll keep your secrets. All the ones Kat claims you have and the ones I haven't learned yet. Oh, and how you feel about Angela, trying to take down both our parents, your godparents, and poor unsuspecting Karl. And what you thought of TJ's mystery noodle dish that we had for dinner."
"Stop," I laugh, closing my eyes and shifting back closer to him when he kisses my jaw. "Adam, be quiet. You're ruining this."
"Wow, the thanks I get. I'm just trying to be supportive."
He laughs while he kisses my cheek, and I sink back, wishing we were anywhere else but in a room full of our friends. Sure, it was dark. It was actually pitch black, and the dim lights that once buzzed above us were off completely. The only light came from around the corner, spilling down the stairs so no one would break their neck in the event they were heading upstairs. Zander had turned them off in a huff tonight. He'd walked us down here only to make sure everyone was accounted for, then left in a fit of angsty, lonely agony over leaving his girlfriend with her class.
He'd looked at me, once -painfully -then left.
We hadn't talked. None of us.
Kat had gone out of her way not to look at me, and each time we'd accidentally crossed stares, hers was heavy with a lot of unspoken emotions.
Three days ago, she and Zander had been taken to my father in an attempt to break them apart. Adam and I had sat there while Nikolai's mother tried to destroy them, along with the faction, Jason's left eye, Four's entire life here, and my father's reputation. Because of who he was as a person, he handled it by smashing her face into his dining room table, then politely ordering Jason down to see the nurse. He further handled Angela by having her banished to a position so lowly, she'd probably choose to make herself factionless if the workload didn't kill her.
To the surprise of no one, the whole thing didn't do much to dampen Zander and Kat's love affair. By not breaking them up, my father gave his unofficial blessing for them to continue, and the matter was dropped. My mother made Zander apologize for not telling me sooner, and once he did –a mumbled jumble of words that were actually pretty heartfelt and incredibly uncomfortable, I shrugged it off and told him good luck.
Kat still wouldn't look me in the eye.
I didn't push the issue.
I accepted the fact that my uncle was dating one of my friends, and I decided I'd support them from afar. Silently. With a little bit of a side eye, because I wanted them to think I was still processing this, but really, I was far too busy to focus on Kat gazing at Zander and Zander staring back at Kat.
Once Angela was taken care of, Adam and I resumed training, blearily waking up with everyone else and shuffling downstairs. The days blurred together easily: more training, another fear landscape that left me with an aching headache, an exercise that taught us how to run and shoot at the same time, and plenty of nights with Adam curling himself around me and coaxing my limbs to fit between his.
Just like tonight.
We were lucky in a way. Even though there was no privacy, plenty of prying eyes and snickers as everyone paired off to go to bed, it felt like it was just him and me. I could fall asleep with my head on his shoulder and his fingers holding onto mine, and no matter what had happened during the day, I had someone to share it with.
That wasn't the case for everyone.
A few feet away from us, there is a muffled huff of exasperation as Kat tries unsuccessfully to go to bed, and the groan as Pink tells her to go the fuck to sleep.
"Your friends are not happy this evening," Adam mumbles into my hair, and I smile.
I was happy.
Very happy.
After the emotional rollercoaster I'd been on, I now had a new outlook on my life, and it felt good. For once, my friends' happiness and wellbeing wasn't a concern of mine, at least not the main one. It was, generally. I went out of my way to keep the peace amongst us, often overlooking things like Kat's snippy words or Pink's overbearing ways of deciding she knew what was best for everyone. While I adored my friends and wanted things to be good, I had chosen to selfishly indulge in my own happiness.
Which meant slipping into bed with Adam and pushing myself against his chest.
There were zero complaints on his part. Since our night together in my childhood bed, all I wanted to do was crawl beneath the covers and kiss him until he wasn't tired enough to tell me we should go to sleep. Now that a few days had passed, I realized he'd been incredibly responsible in our scant alone time. We both appreciated every moment, but it wasn't entirely relaxed. There had been a chance our parents would return, and while my mother would have whole heartedly and enthusiastically approved of what was going on, my father might not have been as keen to discover Adam in bed with me. Despite spending the night together, alone, in a quiet apartment, it wasn't ideal.
Here, in the rows of bunk beds and sudden insomniac initiates, wasn't ideal, either.
I felt a rush of unfair annoyance as Rachel whispered goodnight, and I felt a burning hatred as Gunner loudly announced he couldn't find his phone. There was a shuffle, a crash, and Kat mumbling in a depressed manner that he had just head butted her and she didn't have his phone, followed by Brexley asking everyone to shut up.
"They're so loud," Adam nudges me with his nose, and I smile into the darkness.
My short time with Adam had made me greedy. I now understood why my mother and father always went to bed together, and why the rumors of their romance –the two of them, locked away from the rest of the faction and keeping to themselves –suddenly made sense.
Privacy was something we were sorely lacking down here, and try as I might, there was nothing I could do except patiently bide my time until initiation was over.
"I wish we were upstairs. Not here," I answer lowly, and his hands move. They find the bottom of my t-shirt, large and oversized with the word FEARLESS printed across it, and he toys with the bottom for a moment. His fingers linger there as he thinks about what I've said, then he slides his hand beneath the worn fabric.
"You and me both."
His fingers touch my side first, tentatively, but only for a moment. I have no intention of pushing his hands away, and I trust him in a way that is new to me. It was probably new to him, too. I doubt he'd climbed in bed with Callie after she thought he was boring, so I understood his thinking that I might swat him away from me.
But I wouldn't.
Pink had been right when she said I wasn't as open as everyone else, but with Adam, things were different. It wasn't that I needed him to complete my life or make me a better person, I just liked him next to me, and I knew he wouldn't do anything to hurt me. Which made me far more willing to tell him whatever he wanted to hear.
Just not now.
"So, did you talk to her?" His fingers move higher, slowly skimming my side, light enough that I can't stop the giggle. Across the room, Pink hisses for whoever is laughing to shut up, and Adam snickers into my ear. "Eva, quiet. People are trying to sleep."
"Adam!" I croak out his name when his fingers find the very bottom of my ribcage. They stay there, pressing slightly, until his palm is flat, and we both ignore Pink threatening to kill us.
"FOR FUCK'S SAKE WE HAVE TO GET UP EARLY."
Her words spark a wave of laughter, some tired, some not, and Adam pushes his nose into my temple, smirking into my hair and she less than cordially tells Adam to knock off whatever he's doing.
"She's going to poison your coffee tomorrow. I'd watch your back, Eaton." I barely get the words out as he works his hand up higher, and I stretch into his touch. He's not at all shy, and in the dark, and a bed that's not ours, it's easy to be brave.
"I'll sleep with one eye open," Adam dryly answers, his voice low enough that Pink misses it. He pulls me back closer to him, kicking the blanket so it pulls free and his hand moves back down to my waist.
The disappointment is maddening.
"Not here." Adam must have picked up on my change in attitude, because he's suddenly everywhere. I turn to face him, and I kiss him before he can offer up some polite, very reasonable excuse as to why we should stop. "No offense, but I don't like sharing any of this while Aja is snoring three feet away. It's not for them."
He's right.
In a perfect scenario, it would just be him and me, away from everyone else.
Until I can make this happen, I have to be content with what we have.
Falling asleep with him beside me, his whole body against mine.
"How's your mother?"
Adam looks at Nikolai as he walks up, and the look on his face tells me she's exactly how everyone assumes.
"Livid. Still convinced she can take down all of your parents. Should be interesting once she turns the fourth shift against the faction. On the plus side, the bruising on her face is lessening to a brilliant shade of green." He sighs, and he looks at both of us critically. "What's going on with you guys? You two certainly look well rested."
"We are," I grin, and I know he's been paying close attention to us. "How about you?"
"Oh, I'm wonderful. Getting tons of sleep after witnessing my mother screaming at your father, getting slammed face first into his table, and practically getting banished. My father is losing his mind over this and keeps begging her to keep quiet and accept Eric's punishment. He keeps insisting Eric was kind to even let her stay here. I'm not even sure they'll stay together. The last time I saw them, she was trying to stage a protest. At least my card hasn't declined yet, so there's that."
Adam snorts. "Well, maybe she'll learn her lesson."
"Doubtful, on all accounts." Nikolai waves him off dismissively, and he turns his attention to Karl, marching toward us. "Morning, Sir."
"Morning," Karl cheerfully greets us, and I notice he doesn't look rested at all. While happy looking, his eyes hold a weariness that tells me he'd spent a lot of time up last night. "You all good? I know the other night was…a lot."
"We are. How about you? You look…exhausted, really. Is it the lingering thought of Angela coming for you?" Nikolai examines Karl intently, overstepping the boundaries of what one would normally say to one of the leaders here. It was a habit he and I both had, having grown up with parents who despite holding high positions, seemed completely approachable.
"Nah, I didn't let her bother me. Charlotte pointed out what happened was years ago. I was eighteen when Evelyn came looking for Everly. If it happened today, things would be different," Karl announces firmly, and then yawns, "Sorry, I was up all night with Ethan. He kept waking up and yelling that he'd lost his glasses."
"Ohhhh…." Nikolai looks at Karl with a bemused expression, annoyed at the thought of staying up all night with a child. "Did you find them?"
"No. He doesn't wear glasses. He just liked Daniel's." Karl grins, and I know he's not at all bothered by being up with his son. "Eva, you okay? Everly is worried about you. She promises she had a good reason for not explaining the whole…uh…"
"Being kidnapped?" I make sure to look right at him, and he nods. Nervously. "I'm alright. I hope she'll tell me what happened. I was a little surprised it's never been mentioned before, but it sounds like it was a long time ago and she's recovered just fine."
"It was a long time ago. Really long ago," Karl agrees readily. "But it doesn't feel like it. More like a couple of years. I'm sure she'll want to talk and explain what went down. It was a rough time for Dauntless. They've worked hard to make sure it won't happen again."
"Do you think it could?" Adam asks, stepping closer to me. He tilts his head as Karl mulls this over, but his grimace makes me nervous.
"You know, that's a good question. As much as I'd love to tell you no, from what I've learned, they always strike when you least expect them. I wouldn't worry about it too much. And hey, we're working in partners today. Zander wanted me to tell you guys. Pick someone you don't normally fight against."
With that, Karl waves a few of his initiates to the mats, and the conversation is officially over. I think about it for a while, through the whole morning actually, while paired up with Kenny. He mockingly falls to the floor in defeat once I prove I can block his attack, and a few spots over, Adam works hard to ignore him as he fends off Nikolai prancing at him with great dramatics. He glances over once, when Kenny falls to the floor, smacks his head, and throws his arm over his eyes.
"You killed me. I'm dead. You bastard!"
I laugh, reaching my hand out to pull him up, and the rest of the morning is gone before I know it.
"My bounty is as boundless as the sea. My love as deep; the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite."
I read the words with a raised eyebrow as I try to hide my horror. They're sort of nausea inducing, and I only look up when Rachel clears her throat.
"There's more." She nudges the card with her hand, and I slowly glance back down at it.
There is more.
Lots more.
All written in smooshed handwriting, trying to fit into the tiny available space.
"This is uh, really nice." I answer brightly, and I try to be discreet while I look around for someone, anyone, to come save me before I have to read all the words Aja has written on this card. "I didn't know Aja was so…"
I stop myself before I can say something less than flattering about his romantic efforts. The thought was nice; it was the result of a particularly grueling round of simulations that Zander had us do back to back. I don't know if that had anything to do with it, but the simulations seemed to increase in intensity the second time around, so much that everyone left with their heads down. I watched Gunner stumble out of the doorway with his hand over his mouth, and Pink took off to help him throw up somewhere out of the way. Adam left, practically sprinting past all of us and into the dark hallway with his head down and his hands shoved into his pockets. Brexley sat by me silently, refusing to speak until Karl came over and told her to go downstairs.
Oddly enough, the boys seemed to be taking them worse than the girls. Aja emerged looking stunned. His face was pale but determined, and he immediately came to terms that his biggest fear was not failing out of initiation or landing a crap job at some outpost for months on end, nor was it ranking dead last and embarrassing his parents. It wasn't even losing his hard-earned physique, or his handsome face or the thick head of hair he stared at every morning.
It was winding up alone.
He figured he'd conquer this fear by telling Rachel just how much she meant to him in hopes that she'd feel the same way and boy did it work.
"It's so sweet," Rachel grins, and I wince in preparation for her to tell me she can't believe he thought of this all by himself. "Clearly copied from some shitty ancient play we had to read in school, but the effort is there. He said it took him a long time to find the one he was looking for."
"Oh thank God," I exhale heavily as she plucks the card out of my hands and clutches it against her chest. "It definitely wasn't what I was expecting it to say. I was hoping you didn't think he wrote that himself."
She snorts.
It's unlike her, even now, as she prettily arranges herself on the bed next to me and laughs. "I know people think I'm dumb, but I'm not that dumb. Aja is very sweet with his words, but he's not that sweet." She pauses, and we look at each other. "Or that smart."
I burst out laughing and she shakes her head, setting the card down beside her.
"Hey, how was your landscape? I wanted to find you after mine, but I didn't see you."
She holds my stare the same way she did when she asked if my parents really had sex in the middle of the compound. Her gaze is unflinching, laced with concern.
At least I'm willing to answer this.
"I walked back pretty quick. It was…different. Slightly better since some of the stuff was familiar, but no one told me they change over time." I stare at her for a second, taking in her worried expression while I wonder how my father had failed to mention that little detail. "I think I did alright, though. Zander said I'm doing more than enough to pass, and that's all that matters."
"Good," Rachel responds, leaning back carefully. "I was worried. You looked a little panicked when you went in."
"I was. I don't know why. Maybe I don't want to face them? Or maybe I've been facing them enough and I just didn't want to do it?" I answer her honestly, surprised that I'm admitting this. Rachel and I hadn't started out close, but she'd slowly taken over the spot Kat had left empty. I found her to be enjoyable to be around, and not at all judgmental over what was happening. If anything, she was concerned about me, something that Kat certainly wasn't. "Was yours okay?"
"It was…brutal," Rachel confesses, exhaustion creeping into her voice. It washes over her immediately, making her look like she needs a nap. "I wasn't expecting things to change, either. I figured I'd eventually conquer all of my fears by the time initiation ended, and that would be it. I don't know where I got that idea, but you'd think someone would have explained that things can get worse."
I nod, because I feel the exact same way.
I could handle most of what had been thrown at me. I was fine fighting Vinny, still here, still glaring at me every so often, but mostly corralled by Karl back to his own group. I was fine with the physical parts: the fighting, the defense techniques, and even the grueling work outs that Zander insisted would help us. I was fine with running through the city, doing pull ups until my arms hurt, and holding the heavy guns, pressed into my palm by someone not much older than me and then instructed how to kill. But the fear landscapes were trickier, because now, my fears weren't quite the same, nor were they the ones I was expecting.
I knew I would pass, even if I somehow fucked the entire thing up, I would still make it through as an official member here. I wasn't as afraid that I was living a life my father wanted and not the one I wanted, and I wasn't so afraid that I would die alone, having everyone either afraid of me, or thinking I was too stuck up to even be around.
I had learned that what I was afraid of, was letting people get close to me. Not close like Rachel, making easy small talk and sitting on my bed or close like Pink, having grown up with me. Not even close like Kat and I had been, having years of friendship behind us before she decided Zander was her one true love.
Close like Adam, unzipping my dress before his mouth found my neck.
"I thought they just stayed the way they were until we beat them," I stretch my legs out, and I stare at the sheets on the bed. They are dark, neatly made up while I was gone, and pulled taught. "If we can beat them. Zander said some people never conquer them."
"Are they that bad? The new ones?" Rachel scoots closer to me, her gaze still unwavering until I nod.
"They're definitely intense. I just…wasn't expecting them."
I hadn't been ready for this new one at all.
The first time Adam had appeared in my fear landscape, he had simply been looking past me, telling me to get out of his way. It had hurt, because at that time, I was struggling with him suddenly being back in my life and not knowing where I stood with him. This time, while I sat there with my heart racing, it was everything else.
For one panic filled moment, he hovered over me, his chest bare along with everything else, and I couldn't do anything but stare up at him. The simulation came to a grinding halt the second I opened my mouth to say his name, and I opened my eyes in real time, to Zander frantically trying to fix the computer.
"Sorry! It just…broke. I don't know. The screens all went black. Don't worry. I can still score you."
My relief was immediate, because not only was it awkward enough that it was Zander conducting the simulation, but I didn't really want him figuring out I was suddenly afraid of the only guy who'd ever gotten close to me.
"Adam was in mine this time. I don't know how to handle that one, and I really don't want him to think I'm totally lame," I stare at the sheets harder, wondering what happened to them once we were done here. "It's the first time in my life I'm doing something on my own, and I feel like I could mess it up just because of who I am. I hate that feeling, because that's not me at all. My parents would be…"
I pause and Rachel smiles knowingly.
"Disappointed that you don't have it all figured out? No, they wouldn't. I'm pretty sure everyone here goes through the same thing during initiation. They'll be proud of you for making it, and proud of you for managing to solve the mystery that is Adam." Rachel snickers, but it's not mean in any way. "All I can say, is he's got it bad for you. Aja said he's majorly distracted lately."
"With what?" I ask, but I know the answer to my own question.
I was distracted too, and I knew it. It was the same way I watched Kenny fall face first into the mat, sitting up with a grin full of red cheeks and a bloody nose, and the only thing I thought was that Adam would have been way more fun to fight against. The same way I looked for Adam when I finished my workout or was disappointed when Zander assigned groups to run with, purposely separating Adam and me because if he couldn't be with Kat for these few hours, I couldn't be with Adam.
I knew exactly what he was distracted with, but maybe I just needed someone else to say it.
She does.
Rachel grins, wider than I've ever seen her smile and tosses her blonde hair behind her.
"You."
This time, Weasel stares at me from a distance. He smiles, friendly enough but also pissed off enough that I know my father told him to chill on letting me pierce something. He watches me walk past, and I cringe, remembering the last time I saw him, I had been experiencing a complete and total meltdown.
"Hey, Eva!"
I stop when he calls my name, turning in surprise to see him waving at me to come over.
I do, but only because I'm stupidly curious as to what he wants.
"So, your old man came by. Told me it was cool if you wanted to pierce something. I just thought I'd let you know. In case you wanted to pierce something. I do need a model for a few septum piercings. Thought you might be interested."
"Thanks for the offer, but I think I'm good for now. The last thing I need is something for someone to rip out while we're fighting." I smile politely, because while the piercing might be cool, I wasn't entirely keen on the idea that someone could yank it right out of my nose. "But maybe after initiation."
"Cool, anytime."
Weasel steps back, and I leave him in his palace of needles and other skin altering equipment. I get a small speck of satisfaction that my father had probably demanded he shut up and jab a needle into my skin wherever I wanted, and an even bigger rush of satisfaction that the idea felt freeing.
I didn't really have any desire to change my appearance drastically, but just the thought that I could was enough to make me smile my entire walk to dinner.
"Were you ever going to tell me you got kidnapped?"
By the time dinner rolls around, Dauntless is dark. It's always dark, but tonight it seems extra dark, and it practically swallows my mother up as she sinks into the booth of Clyde's. I watch her carefully, trying to figure out if she looked any different. I was sort of wondering if she looked different because I knew she'd been kidnapped, or if she looked different because she was tired from running from faction to faction, or because her jacket was heavy and seemed to be larger than she was.
"Yes, I did get kidnapped. It was a long time ago," she answers me easily, sliding further into the seat and reaching for a menu like we hadn't eaten here a thousand times. "I'm sorry I never told you. It wasn't something I could just announce with your bedtime story."
"You could have texted it to me," I reach for a menu too, ignoring her scowl and matching eyeroll.
"Oh, okay why didn't I think of that? Hi Eva! Hope initiation is great. By the way, in case it comes up, I got kidnapped once, just for a few days. It was fine. Love you. Bye!" Her tone is heavy with sarcasm, and she sets the menu down without looking at it. "Actually, it was not fine. If you want to know the truth, and I bet you do, it sucked. Bad. I didn't ever bring it up because it wasn't…it wasn't great, okay? I try not to think about it at all."
I look up from the list of appetizers, torn over ordering one just to kill time, and I realize she's staring at me with a strange expression.
"Why was it bad? Did something happen that I should know about?"
My mother chews on her lip, looking to the side of me. She's silent, and I half expect her not to answer.
"Not that I think getting kidnapped would be good. I just…I was wondering why you didn't tell me. You tell me everything." I point out carefully, hoping she won't tell me to forget it.
There was a chance she would.
Despite the entire faction seeming to know an awful lot about my parents, there was a lot people didn't know. My mother did tell me a lot of things, mostly all the insider gossip I could ever want to hear: why Linda had retired and how oddly sad my father was, how Jason had single handedly discovered we had a weird squirrel population living in one of the tunnels on the lowest floors, or how Rylan was thinking he might cut his hair, but only by an inch or so.
It was riveting information, but certainly not anything about being kidnapped.
"I don't know. I guess I didn't feel like it would ever come up." She looks around for our waitress, and I wait patiently for her to tell me this story. An hour ago, she'd asked if I could meet her for dinner, and I figured this was what she wanted to talk about. "When I came to Dauntless, everything was complicated. I met your father and he was working for some people, looking at these test results. I fell into the category he was looking for, and he made some sacrifices to keep me safe. A little while later, just when I thought everything was good, I discovered he was dealing with a war started by the factionless. They had a leader, and she wanted to dismantle the factions."
"Was that leader Adam's grandmother?" I smile as Lucy appears, and she already has our usual drinks in her hands.
"Yes," my mother takes hers immediately, and Lucy announces she'll be right back. "She was married to a man named Marcus. She left when Four was young and went to live with the factionless. Before you ask me why, just know his father isn't the greatest person in the world, either and I don't know why she left him there. Anyway, while she was busy living her life, she decided the factionless were being treated unfairly. She wanted to change the system, rip it apart so it was fair, but fair according to her standards. This is where things get complicated."
My mother pauses, and I ignore the buzzing of my phone in the pocket of my jacket.
"She needed help. She needed an army and one that wasn't afraid of losing. So she got together a bunch of factionless and she trained these men and women who were desperate to feel like they belonged. She promised them the world if they helped her. When she thought she had a chance, she made her move."
"What move?" I sip my drink carefully, enjoying the icy burn of the soda. "Did her plan work?"
"Sort of. Evelyn was pretty smart. She learned that I was married to Eric, and she figured if she was going to force his hand in helping her, she had to have something he wanted. So, while I was training a class with Four, one of the initiates said he wanted to fight me."
"Who?" I watch her expression change, and she scrunches up her nose.
"His name was Vincent. Well, he said it was Colton. That's how I knew him. I told him to get back to his class, and not much later, he bashed my head into the wall and walked us right out of the faction. I remember looking up and hearing people yell not to fire, and I kept thinking, any second now, someone should notice something is wrong."
"Did they?" I lean forward, and my phone rings again, interrupting my surprise at hearing this story. "Didn't someone stop him?"
"No. I guess no one noticed at first, but once they did, they were afraid if they opened fire I'd get shot. So, he took me to Evelyn and went on his way. I spent some time with her, and once they knew I was fine and of value, Evelyn tried to strike a bargain with Dauntless. She promised she would give me back to Eric if he would side with her."
"Did he?" I sit here, slowly growing horrified at this story. It had started out totally terrifying. I wasn't immune to the people who didn't like my father, and I'd heard a few whispered rumors here and there. His work hadn't always been the most honest, and even he'd admitted there was a time when he did things he shouldn't have.
I'd never heard this, though.
"No," my mom shakes her head, and for just a moment, she looks amusingly, momentarily, annoyed. "He said no. I sat at a table with her while she read his response. He sent a letter saying Dauntless would not make a deal with her, and I didn't know it at the time, but he was already on his way to come find me."
"He really said no? Dad wouldn't come save you?" I say the words louder than I mean to, and she nods. I couldn't fathom my father ever not trying to find my mother. He often looked at her in a way that told me she was his entire world, and the idea of him refusing to help seemed out of character for him.
"It sounds bad, but he couldn't agree to it. He would have essentially been turning over Dauntless to someone who was power hungry. Not to mention the fact that the other leaders had all agreed that they weren't going to give in to her. As a result, Evelyn injected me with a serum to make me forget who I was and dropped me back off in Amity when Dauntless showed up."
She makes a face at this memory, and I stare at her in total shock.
This wasn't just getting kidnapped by some random factionless man, or as casual as she'd made it sound.
"Were you scared?" I forget all about my dinner, and I wonder how I would have handled this. "Did you try to get away?"
"No, and I got a lot of shit for that," my mother rolls her eyes again, and sort of shrugs it off. "Everyone had an opinion on what I should have done. But I was eighteen years old. I had just married your father, and I was terrified to wake up in a place I didn't know. I wasn't even sure where I was or what had happened. I eventually learned the factionless had their own army; they were trained to kill, they were all armed, and I don't think any of them would have let me walk out the door. Even if I did, I wouldn't have known where Dauntless was or how far I could get before someone found me. It was a pretty helpless feeling. All I could do was hope your father showed up before they killed me and pretend I enjoyed listening to Evelyn."
"Would they have killed you?"
I watch her shoulders bow for a moment at my question. Karl had mentioned that she was strong and had toughed it out, but it sounded like he was missing the actual experience behind it. She might not have come back openly announcing how scared she'd been, or maybe she'd never told anyone. Maybe she'd kept her time with this Evelyn to herself, wanting to come off as brave and fearless.
"Mom?"
She's quiet; she toys with the straw in her drink as a distraction before she answers.
"Evelyn needed me, because she needed a bigger army. She thought Eric would give her that army as an exchange. If she wasn't going to get what she wanted, then she wanted to hurt anyone she could. Including me. She tried to take away the only thing that was important to Eric, knowing it would mess with him. Looking back, I think she might have killed me to make a point. Her injection didn't work the way she thought it would, but it worked enough that I woke up in Amity and couldn't remember anything."
"Why didn't you tell me any of this?" I accidentally knock my menu to the floor, and she frowns.
"It was so long ago, Eva. When I could remember who I was, I felt…like I had to prove something. I don't even know how to describe how frustrating the whole thing was. I couldn't remember anyone or anything. Not my friends, not where I lived, not even your father. He had to show me everything all over again. Our entire relationship was lost. It wasn't a great time for anyone involved so it's not something I usually bring up for fun."
"And Four?" I side eye Lucy as she hovers nearby, telepathically telling her to stay away before my mother gets distracted by ordering dinner. "Was he involved?"
This time, her pause is heavy.
"Yeah," she nods, and her smile doesn't reach her eyes. "Evelyn was his mother. She contacted him asking for help. He wanted to know her, wanted to have some relationship with her, so he trained her army. He helped her prepare for war, told her who I was, told her Eric would agree to help if I was involved. His intentions weren't any of that, though. He believed he was fighting the good fight. He believed her right up until he realized what she was doing, and then it was too late. Four tried to get out of it, but he was in too deep. She had everything she needed, and once she did, she let him know she was done with him."
"And Dad…he just….was good with all this?"
"Oh hell no." My mother laughs again, amused at the very thought. "Your father was so furious. I'm surprised he didn't murder Four the second he could. They got into it a few times and I'm pretty sure it got physical. It took your dad a long time to let go of what happened, and I think it was mostly because I told him to. Eventually, he realized Four was incredibly remorseful for helping her, and they figured out how to get along. Most of the time."
"You still could have told me all this," I lean back, crossing my arms over my chest. "I can't even believe you were kidnapped. Someone just…they grabbed you?"
"While I was walking. My back was turned and Colton, he was much larger than me. He wasn't an initiate. He was a grown man, posing as one. Smashed my head hard enough to knock me out, threw me over his shoulder, and I woke up with the factionless."
"Did it hurt?"
"Yes," my mom waves at Lucy, clearly ready to order. Or quit talking about this. "It hurt a lot. They gave me something for it, but I never knew what. I would honestly have taken a thousand head bashings over having my memory erased. The worst part of the whole thing was when your dad and I were reunited, I couldn't remember him."
"Not at all?"
"No." My mother's expression grows distant, and she seems to shrink back into the booth. "In a weird way I knew things weren't right. When I was in Amity, we had a meeting to announce the death of the leader of Erudite. I saw him on this message they were broadcasting. I kept thinking that I knew him and I needed to find him, but I had no clue who he was."
"Is that when he found you?" I remember my father saying they were apart once, not by choice, and I would bet this was what he was talking about. "He went to Amity?"
"He did. That's a whole other story, but he discovered I was there, and he came in the middle of the night to get me. He was furious I didn't remember him, but I went home with him anyway. I don't think he would have let me stay there even if I wanted to," she shrugs, glancing up at Lucy. "I think we're ready to order now."
"Sure!" Lucy answers brightly, pausing to look at me. "Not to eavesdrop, but are you…you're telling her about when you were gone? I sort of thought she knew."
"I am. It came up the other night, and I realized I should have told her a while ago," my mother looks even paler now, but she smiles at me, then Lucy. "I remember your face when I came back. You looked horrified."
"Well, we thought you were dead," Lucy points out, and she struggles not to look at me. "Are you telling her because you're worried it'll happen to her? Is that what all the security alerts are about?"
Lucy waits for an answer, clicking the pen in her hand a few times. I sit up straighter, also waiting to hear the answer to this. Was this why the security alerts were so high? Was my father paranoid that I'd get kidnapped too, even though it sounded like this Evelyn wasn't around anymore?
"No, they're legitimate concerns. Abnegation was attacked a few days ago. They're thinking it's just factionless messing around, but we have to be careful. That's all. Nothing out of the norm."
"Okay," Lucy answers, but she doesn't look entirely convinced. "Are you two ready to order? Or do you want more time? I don't mean to interrupt."
My mom smiles at her, and twenty minutes later, that smile is still on her face. She looks at me and I immediately know what's coming.
"Are you going to tell me about Adam?"
I shake my head no, focusing on the giant bowl of soup and the salad Lucy had delivered not too long ago. She'd brought our order out faster than expected, and dropped it off without saying much.
"That's not fair at all. I gave birth to you. Without pain medication. You have to tell me," my mother sulks into her own soup, looking much better than she did a half hour ago. "In my childhood home. While your aunts shrieked and Zander demanded to help but also wanted a cookie."
"No one made you do that," I roll my eyes, dreading the very thought of ever giving birth, let alone in Amity. "How did Dad even let that happen? From what I heard, he said Amity is about as clean as Rylan's bathroom."
"Hey, Christina hired a housekeeper for them. So it's pretty clean now." My mom grins, and she graciously shoves the bread and butter at me. "Amity isn't at all dirty. Your father is just…very strong willed. He wanted you born in Erudite. You were stronger willed. You wanted to be born in Amity. So you were."
"Sure, blame me." I want to laugh, but my place of birth had been sort of touchy at the start of my training. "Okay, well, if you have to know, since you gave birth without pain medication for some unknown reason, Adam and I are good. Great. Having fun. I don't know what else you think you need to know."
"Everything." Her answer is immediate, fully supportive, and bright. "Your father thinks he's going to ask you to move in with him after initiation. He and Four were arguing about it the other night. For hours. I kept waking up to them yelling at each other until Tris came and got him. They're both thinking you'll want to live together."
"Sounds like you had a fun night." I make her wait while I butter my bread, and she's clearly been thinking about this for a while. "Just out of curiosity, how did Dad feel about that?"
"Oh, he's terrified. He thinks he's going to wind up a grandfather in the next year." She grins even wider, and takes a spoonful of her own soup, then dumps it back into the bowl. "I think you should do it. Both parts. Move in and get married. I have some free time. I could watch a baby."
"Mom!" I shriek her name, because she's laughing, and I know that if I were to announce I was moving in with Adam, even just as his roommate, she and Tris would throw a party while my father had a complete mental breakdown. "I'm going to live alone. Forever. In fact, I'll apply now."
"Well, your father will be relieved." She sounds less cheerful now, but that doesn't deter her at all. "Is Adam….is he….good?"
"Is he good with what?"
"Good? You know. Is he good in…?" She trails off, staring at me the same way I'm staring at her.
"In bed?" I look up at her innocently, and I force myself not to smile because her expression is hilarious. "Couldn't tell ya. Even if I could, I don't think I would."
"Evangelina Coulter!"
It's her turn to shriek, and the table next to us turns to glare.
But I don't care.
It feels so completely good to sit here with my mom, cracking up as she demands to know just what exactly Adam and I have been up to and how could I deprive her of holding a newborn. I know she's joking, and I know she only wants me to be happy, and this is the lightest I've felt in a long time.
It feels really good, so good, that I completely forget to ask her about Blythe.
There are tons of pictures.
I sit on the floor of my old bedroom, glancing at my phone every so often to make sure I have enough time. I feel a twinge of guilt over not answering Adam's messages yet, but I haven't had the chance.
I'd walked home with my mother after dinner. Clyde's was crowded and noisy, and we left so someone else could take our table. I walked back with my mom mostly because I wasn't ready to venture downstairs yet, and also because I wanted to grab a few things from my room. The apartment was quiet and dark, my father must have been somewhere else, so I used this to my advantage. I slipped into my bedroom and rifled through the closet until I found what I was looking for.
An old book, shoved deep into the corner, buried beneath a pile of books that I'd never touched.
"It was her!"
I exclaim to no one, since I'm the only one in here, and my triumph is short lived.
Amongst a series of vampire novels and dog eared wizard tales, I'd found an incredibly old manual. It was some sort of guide to the factions, and it had a listing of every important person who held a high rank. The manual was heavy and thick, the cover embossed with some weird combination of each faction's logo and covered in dust. I quickly flipped through the pages, pausing so I could pick out the people I knew.
It was pretty fascinating.
My grandfather was in here, listed under the Dauntless faction, wearing a dark unbuttoned uniform. His hair was a mess, haphazardly combed to the side for the photo, and his smile was as uninterested as one could get. His name said only Harrison, and his eyes were narrowed in a familiar squint of disdain.
My father's picture was beside his. He looked mostly the same; his expression was a bit smugger and more arrogant, and his cheekbones were sharper back then. Everything about him looked sharp, including the short haircut and the smirky sneer on his face. His name was boldly listed beneath his photo, and his rank as Leader of Dauntless looked impressive.
Next to him was Rylan, grinning, with his hair falling out of the bun it was tied up in, and his uniform jacket buttoned properly. Jason, with his hair shorter than I'd ever seen it, smiling brightly at whomever was taking the photo, and a tiny pin on his jacket shaped like a UFO. They were listed as leaders as well, and Jason's title also included a list of credentials I wasn't aware of.
Below their photos was Four's.
I grinned at his, because his expression was as weary as I'd ever seen him. His hair was messed up, and his jacket looked like someone had thrown it at him and instructed him to put it on for the picture. I squint for a second, trying to figure out if he and Adam look alike at all, and I realize they don't.
Adam looks far different than Four, and definitely more enthused these days.
I stare at the pictures for a while, all of them looking surprisingly young, younger than I would expect. I flip the page to find a photo of my mother, beaming even though her dress was falling off her shoulder and her hair was most of the picture, and I smile. She and I look a lot alike, and there's a happiness to her that I can't place my finger on. I stare at her picture for a while, Everly Coulter, Ambassador to the Factions written in fancy lettering, and I wonder how many people had looked at her photo.
On the next page, there are others listed from Dauntless: Kacie, looking exactly the same. Arlene, looking like she could leap out from her photo and jab you with whatever vaccine she had just approved. Charlotte, with her hair braided intricately out of the way, and her name listed as our Early Education Supervisor.
I went deeper into the book, waffling between wanting to see if I knew anyone else in the Dauntless section and wanting to find who I was looking for. Erudite won out, and to my surprise, it only took me a few seconds to find them.
My grandfather, with a thousand accomplishments listed beside his name, and his former wife, Blythe Coulter.
There she was.
Staring back at me through an old, dated ID photo.
To be fair, she had an equal, if not as impressive, amount of credentials beside her. It was obvious she had years of study behind her, and she held a high rank as well. Her photo was startling, though. While my grandfather's gave off a hint of warmness, like he would listen to whatever you had to say without judgement, hers gave off an air of extreme hostility. Her expression was severe, downright chilly even. Her outfit was expensive and sharp, the collar of the dress pressed perfectly upright and her hair perfectly flawless.
I half expect her to blink at me from the photo, looking down her nose at me.
I touch the picture for a second, cold slick paper beneath my fingers, and I try to figure her out. While I'm sure there was some honor in having your photo taken for this book, Blythe's disdain could be felt from the decades old ink.
But there she was, right there. The exact same woman I'd bumped into in Erudite, asking me my name.
She's listed as Head Psychologist, Head of the Erudite Psychology Department, head of a million other areas that must have all demanded her time, followed by a string of certifications that make no sense to me.
"Eva? Where are you?" My mother yells from the kitchen, and I look up, feeling a flash of guilt.
The woman in the photo was younger than the woman I'd seen in Erudite, but it was her. One hundred percent there was no way it could be anyone else. She had the same haircut, the same snooty attitude, and the same glint in her eye that made my stomach hurt.
"I'm…I'll be right there."
I close the book immediately, wondering if there was a way I could take it with me. There really wasn't. My mother would see me walk out with it, and while she probably wouldn't care, I had suddenly decided I didn't want to tell her I'd seen Blythe.
Only because she might freak out.
She didn't care that I went to Erudite with Adam, but she might care that I had seen my grandpa's ex-wife.
I flip back through the book one more time, reopening to the section of Dauntless. It's a different page, this one listing a few of the lesser, yet still importantly ranked, patrol leaders and supervisors. I spy a very young-looking Karl, grinning from ear to ear amongst a few others who I don't recognize.
My stare lingers on the one next to him, the man's dark chair curling slightly and his smile teeming with a faux innocence that makes my skin crawl, but I don't have time to read his name.
A second later, I hear my mother walking toward my room. I slam the book shut and shove it back in the closet, just as my mother appears, cheerfully handing me an envelope with my name on it and telling me she'll walk me back downstairs.
"Alright, listen up, youths. For the next eight lovely, wonderful hours, you're under my command. There is to be no arguing, no disrespect, and no back talk. You do as I say, and we'll have no problems. Because when I'm done with you, you'll be the highest version of yourself. The best and most well trained soldiers Dauntless has to offer. Efficient machines, meant to protect the factions and guard the city. Powerful, beyond your wildest dreams."
"What the fuck," Pink whispers, squeezing in between Rachel and I and trying to play it off like she wasn't late. "What are we doing? Where's Zander?"
"He's out sick. They announced it earlier," Gunner mutters, and his eyes widen when the attention slides to him. "Fuck, sorry, Sir."
"Sir is correct. You'll address me as your Supreme Leader and by the time we're done today, you can also address me as your Favorite and Most Trusted Mentor."
"Oh fuck," I groan, and I wince when his stare whips to me. His smile is full of dark delight, and I suddenly know that today will not just be a normal day. It won't even be one of the toughest days.
It's going to be the longest day of my life.
"Evangelina Coulter, how are you? Excited for today?"
I nod, pushing my hair out of my eyes and smiling, having hoped he'd skip me entirely. "I am."
"Good. Then we'll get started. You'll be in two teams, and I'll give you the rules for picking them in a bit."
"We don't get to pick our own?" Someone calls out, and they're rewarded with a wide-eyed sneer.
"You chose us, now we get to choose you, whatever your name is." He turns to pace in front of us, and he flashes one brilliant and smug grin at all of us. "Now then, are there any other questions before we get started? Don't forget we'll be heading outside so make sure all of you are in your official uniforms."
He stops talking with a wave of his hand, and he waits. There are no questions, only a murmur of both concern and enthusiasm at the unknown over this activity.
It shouldn't have been a surprise. Zander was out sick. I'd heard the announcement from Karl, also sick, sniffling and sneezing as he clomped up the stairs on the walk to breakfast. He'd mumbled a quick hello, told us we'd have a substitute trainer for today, and it was in our best interest to just listen and do whatever he asked. He looked sympathetic, and now I knew why.
We were about to spend the next eight hours under the supervision of Dauntless' most enthusiastic and creative leader, and the only one who might actually cause a few mental breakdowns during this day.
Not just because he had decided to really train us, but because he believed so whole heartedly in his own greatness.
He catches my eye, and I smile, shaking my head slightly.
I could handle him, but I wasn't sure about everyone else.
"Alright, let's head out!"
Rylan cheerfully marches us toward the exit doors, one fist in the air and one terrifying bounce to his step.