I've had this chapter written for a while now, but for reasons I won't bore you with, I'm a little apprehensive about sharing it, so I'd love to know what you think.
Shelby sighed as she pulled into the parking lot outside her therapist's office, running her fingers through her hair and taking a deep breath before stepping from the car. She hated this, hated baring her soul, hated being so weak, but at the same time she knew she needed it. She knew she needed help to get herself together, to build herself back up so she could be the mother Rachel deserved. She thought about a conversation she'd had with Hiram in the past and shook her head, she needed to get herself together so she could be the person she deserved to be.
"Hey" Shelby jumped slightly, so lost in her thoughts that she hadn't seen the familiar figure waiting by the door.
"Hiram" she frowned, "what…"
"I thought you might need some moral support" he reached for her hand, "this is never easy, especially at the beginning, it's okay if you aren't."
Shelby gently squeezed Hiram's hand and forced a smile, "thank you".
Hiram waited as Shelby checked herself in at the reception desk and sat beside her in the waiting room, her hand once again finding his as they sat in silence, Shelby bouncing her knee anxiously as she waited. "I'll be right here" Hiram promised when her name was called, "I'm not going anywhere"
True to his word he didn't move, looking up from the magazine he'd been flicking through when he heard the familiar creak of the door to the office opening, smiling sadly at Shelby as she left the room, her eyes rimmed red from the tears she'd cried, and he didn't say anything, simply greeted the therapist with a silent nod before wrapping his arm around Shelby and walking her back out to her car.
She took out her key, passing it to Hiram with shaking hands when he held out his hand to her, frowning but not questioning him when he opened the back door of her SUV and gestured for her to get inside. He closed the door behind her and walked around the car, getting in the other side, Shelby suddenly understanding why they were in the back when Hiram held out his arms, Shelby collapsing into him as she began to cry.
Hiram didn't say anything, understood that Shelby probably wouldn't be ready to talk yet, knew that, on the odd occasion she'd spoken to him or Leroy about her therapy, she hadn't brought it up until a few days after her appointment, so he was surprised to hear her tell him, "I thought talking about my suicide attempts was difficult, it turns out that was a walk in the park compared to talking about the subsequent hospitalisation."
He still didn't say anything, knew Shelby wasn't telling him for a response, she didn't want his opinion or recognition, it was just something she needed to do. Instead he continued to hold her close until she seemed to calm somewhat, "okay?" he asked, handing her the tissues he'd put in his pocket, assuming they'd be needed.
Shelby nodded and thanked Hiram as she dabbed at her eyes, "I usually give myself 10 minutes" she admitted. "I have 10 minutes and then I get myself together and drive home."
"I got Leroy to drop me off at work this morning and then got a cab over here" Hiram admitted, "it was another reason I thought I'd come and meet you, it occured to me that you driving home as upset as you have been, probably wasn't the safest thing, so I thought I could drive you back."
"Thank you" Shelby smiled sadly, "sometimes I wish I could turn that part of my brain off, just for the drive, and sometimes, sometimes I think about going back to my apartment to stop Rachel seeing me like this."
"You know we wouldn't stop you" Hiram said softly, "if you wanted to go home for a while, if you needed some space."
"I know" Shelby nodded, and I… as much as I want to go back and just hide from everything, there's a little part of me that worries about what I might do if I did go back."
"Okay" Hiram didn't push Shelby, he knew exactly what she meant, "that's okay, we can give you all the space you need at home, all you have to do is say and we'll make sure you get it okay?"
Shelby nodded, "thank you."
"It's not a problem Shel, you don't need to thank us. Now, are you ready to go home or do you need a little bit longer?"
"I'm ready" Shelby wiped a tissue under her eyes, grateful for her waterproof mascara. "Actually, can we stop off at my apartment on the way back?" she asked as they both moved to the front of the car, "please"
"Of course" Hiram smiled, "are you okay to give me directions or do I need to figure this out?" he joked as he gestured towards the built in navigation system.
Shelby managed a small smile, "I can direct you."
The ride to Shelby's apartment passed in silence save for her occasional directions, pointing him to her allocated parking space once they reached the garage. "Do you want me to wait here?" he offered.
Shelby shook her head, "come with me" she said quietly, her voice shaking as she told him, "there's something I want you to do for me."
Hiram nodded and followed Shelby to her apartment, beginning to worry as he noticed Shelby start to shake with nerves, Hiram almost able to feel the anxiety buzzing from Shelby's body, "Shel" he said quietly as, at her request, he followed her through the apartment and into the small ensuite off the master bedroom.
She opened the cabinet under the sink and took out a large plastic box, "I want, I need you to get rid of this for me" she told him, unable to make eye contact as she handed it over to him.
Hiram frowned as he lifted the lid from the box, his eyes widening and bile rising in his throat as he realised the box was full of pills, mainly boxes of over the counter painkillers, but with a few boxes of prescription pain meds and sleeping pills thrown in there too. "Shelby" he whispered.
Shelby felt her breath catch in her throat, knew she was on the edge of a panic attack but forced herself to tell him, "I kept it, it's, it's like a safety net. If, if things don't work out, if I screw up. If it's too much. I can, I can come back here and, and, and I could make it stop. But that… I don't want to feel like that anymore".
Hiram was still shocked, he was sure Shelby had just handed him enough medication to knock out an elephant, but he chose not to focus on that, choosing instead to focus on the fact that she'd given it to him. She'd asked him to get rid of it for her. "Okay" he put the box down and focused his attention on Shelby, "you need to take some deep breaths" he told her, "you're starting to hyperventilate, just take it nice and slowly, breathe in and out with me."
He slowed his breathing for Shelby to match and after a minute or two he heard her breaths begin to slow to a more 'normal' rate "sor…"
"Don't you dare apologise to me, you've got nothing to be sorry for" he swiped his thumbs under her eyes to catch her tears, giving them both a minute to compose themselves before he spoke again. "Thank you" he said sincerely, "for giving me this, for trusting me. I know that it can't have been easy for you to do, and I can only imagine how scary it feels for you to get rid of your safety net" Shelby just nodded, not sure what to say, "I also know that giving this up won't make the thoughts that made you get this together in the first place go away, but I promise you, if you ever, ever feel like you're in a place where you'd want to use this, please come to Leroy or I. We'll do whatever we can to help you, distract you, to keep you safe until those thoughts pass. Because they will pass Shelby, I can promise you that."
"Can I ask you something? Shelby asked nervously after a moment of silence.
"Anything" Hiram reached for Shelby's hand, stopping her scratching absentmindedly at her arm.
"Leroy said you'd taken lexapro in the past."
Hiram nodded, "I stopped taking it about a year, eighteen months ago" he told her, "touch wood I've been doing okay since then."
"Did you have any side effects?" Shelby asked.
"Like what?"
"It started off with nausea but I found that isn't so bad if I take it after I've eaten instead of before, but I…" Shelby bit her lip, "I feel like I'm getting worse, I don't know if it's the meds or if it's just a coincidence. I… I, I feel like there's this massive ball of anxiety buzzing inside me, and because of that I can't sit still, but then I feel like there's a big black cloud over my head stopping me from going anywhere. And my head… " Shelby rubbed at her temples as she thought about how to express how she was feeling, "I can't… I, I can't concentrate or focus on anything, I don't know how to explain it, it feels like my mind's constantly wading through treacle and everything's happening in slow motion." She sat on the edge of the bathtub, holding her head in her hands, feeling like every tiny bit of energy she had had just left her body, her body eventually giving in and sliding down the side of the tub to sit on the floor, pulling her knees up to her chest as tears pooled in her eyes.
"I don't know if it happened with lexapro specifically" Hiram sat on the floor beside Shelby, reaching out to take her hand, "but I've tried a lot of antidepressants and I've certainly experienced all those side effects at one time or another. I'm sorry to say that there's not much you can do but wait it out, things should hopefully get better in the next couple of weeks, and if they don't, we go back and we ask your doctor to try something else. I'll be honest, the first few weeks aren't fun by any stretch of the imagination, but I promise, once you find something that works for you, it'll be worth it."
"I'll take your word for it" Shelby smiled sadly.
"With the changes to your mood" Hiram said softly, "if things get really bad, if you think you're slipping into a bad place, if you… If your suicidal thoughts become more than just fleeting thoughts, if you have any, any feeling at all like you might act on them, like you want to harm yourself in any way, please, please find a way to reach out to Leroy or I. If you can't tell us then text us, call us, wake us in the middle of the night, do anything at all to let us know so we can help you." He made a mental note to mention it to Leroy, so the two of them could keep an eye on her, could step in if they noticed anything worrying.
"I… I'll try."
"Thank you" Hiram swiped at Shelby's tears, "we want to help, we want to do whatever we can to help you through this."
"It scares me" Shelby admitted, "sometimes I wonder if anything's going to work and I'm scared that it won't, that I'm going to feel like this forever unless… that's why I had to, I had to give you that box. Keeping it makes that the easy option."
"Oh Shelby" Hiram wrapped her in his arms holding her close as she cried, "it might take a while but something will work for you Shelby, these first few weeks can be awful, but the medication is changing the chemicals in your brain, it's going to take a while to adjust to that, you're not a lost cause or whatever else you're thinking, you're struggling and that's okay, but you don't have to struggle on your own any more."
"Thank you" Shelby whispered as she let Hiram hold her, "thank you."
Hiram held Shelby until she calmed down, checking she was ready to go home before helping her down to the car, making sure to pick up the box of pills before he left, Hiram wasn't exactly sure how he was going to get rid of them, but he knew he would, he'd make sure to get rid of every last pill. The drive home passed in silence, something that didn't surprise Hiram at all, Shelby staring blankly out of the window as she desperatey tried to keep hersef together. "Do you… " He turned to her as he pulled up outside the house, not even sure what he was asking.
"I'm just going to go to bed" Shelby whispered, "I don't… I…" she could feel her eyes beginning to fill with tears again and she just wanted to shut herself away.
"You're not in the right headspace to be around other people?" Hiram finished for her.
Shelby nodded, "yeah. I just want to sleep. I don't know if I'll be able to but…" she shrugged.
"Do you want something to eat first?" Hiram asked, Shelby biting her lip, unable to look Hiram in the eye as she shook her head. "Okay" he decided he wouldn't push that right now, "would you be okay with me coming up to check on you later?"
Shelby shook her head, "I promised Rachel I wouldn't lock the door, you erm, you don't have to knock" she told him, "if I do manage to sleep"
"I won't wake you" Hiram promised.
"Thank you."
Hiram squeezed Shelby's hand, "it's okay, now let's get you inside."
Rachel raced over to the door, wrapping her arms around Shelby and hugging her tightly almost before she had time to get into the house. "I love you Mom" she whispered.
Shelby couldn't stop more tears from falling as she kissed Rachel's hair, "I love you too" she whispered as Rachel broke the hug, allowing Shelby to make her way upstairs to her room.
"What happened?" Rachel asked, her eyes wide with fear, "you were gone so long and I knew, Dad told me that you were with her but you were gone for so long, something bad must have happened."
Hiram sat down, gently pulling Rachel onto his lap, "I was with Shelby, you're right, I met her before her session and waited in the waiting room. She was upset when she came out and she had some things she wanted to talk about so we went back to her apartment so we could have a little privacy to talk them through. It was hard for Shelby to open up about the things she wanted to talk about so she's gone to bed, she probably won't come down again tonight but I'll check on her later and see how she's doing."
"Do you think she'd mind if I slept in her bed tonight?" Rachel asked nervously.
Hiram shook his head, "I'm sure she wouldn't mind at all" if anything Hiram thought Shelby would expect it, whenever Rachel was worried about Shelby she always spent the night with her, almost as if she was reassuring herself that her Mom was safe, that she hadn't left.
They ate dinner together before putting a movie on, Hiram and Leroy letting Rachel choose what they watched as she sat between her fathers, still obviously worried about her Mom. Hiram pulled his phone from his pocket when he felt it vibrate almost an hour after he and Shelby arrived home and he frowned when he saw she was the one who'd sent him a message. She'd tried to calm herself down, had been fighting with herself since she got home before just giving in and sending Hiram a message. 'I think I'm going to take the valium again, just half a pill this time but I thought you should know.'
He didn't waste any time, making his excuses and heading upstairs with a glass of water, gently tapping on Shelby's door. "Yeah?" she'd been expecting him to come up, she'd briefly thought about going down to talk to him in person but she couldn't find the energy to walk downstairs.
"I didn't know if you'd need this" he put the water down on the bedside table.
Shelby nodded, "thank you" she whispered. Not knowing how to tell him that, whilst she might have made the decision to take the medication, she hadn't yet found the energy to drag her weary body across the hall to get her pills from the bathroom.
"Why don't you get changed?" Hiram suggested when he noticed Shelby was curled on the bed in the clothes she'd worn to work, "put your pyjamas on so you're comfortable and I'll go get your pills?"
Shelby felt her eyes fill with tears, it was like Hiram could read her mind, "thank you" she whispered, slowly pulling herself to her feet so she could change.
"Do you want me to sit with you?" Hiram offered after he'd broken one of the pills in half for Shelby.
She shook her head as she settled down under the covers, "I'm hoping that will take the edge off things enough that I can just fall asleep" she said honestly, "but if Rachel's worried and she wants to sleep in here tonight then she can."
"Thank you, she's already asked if we thought you'd mind, so I'll let her know you've said it's okay" he straightened the duvet around her, "your phone's by the bed" he said softly, "if you need anything you know what to do, even if it's the middle of the night."
"I know" Shelby whispered as Hiram flicked off the main light, leaving just a small sidelight illuminating the room for when Rachel came to bed, "thank you."
Hiram kissed Shelby's cheek, "there's nothing to thank me for" he said as he went to leave the room, "nothing at all."