A/N: Sorry I havent updated in a while, I have just been super beat from exams, but I am back now. :)
We pulled apart and walked back to join the other tributes. For the night, everything seemed like it was gonna be al right. I had fun, I danced with a drunk Haymitch, and hung out with the other tributes. Everyone seemed to be in a good mood. I had no idea what had brought about this, there was almost always something weighing us tributes down. Guilt, trauma or something else. But right now everyone seemed so happy. I never wanted the night to end.
I was feeling free, and talking with Wiress when Finnick came up behind me.
"Hi." He said with a small smile. I excused myself from Wiress who just nodded and then turned to look at Finn confused.
"Hi?" I said and he took my hand spinning me around.
"I hate your dress." He said and I could hear he was also a little drunk, but I did not care. I just chuckled and nodded.
"Me too. Whose idea was it to pair orange with orange?" I said laughing a little and he did as well, as we danced he slowly pulled me into him.
"Luckily, you look beautiful no matter how bad your dress is." He said looking in my eyes. I shook my head and pushed his shoulder lightly.
"Calm down charmer." I said and he looked at me seriously.
"I am serious. You do look beautiful." He said stopping dead in his tracks to look at me, to show that he was serious. I looked at him confused.
"You're drunk." I said shaking myself out of the stunned state I was in. He rolled his head back slightly in annoyance.
"Maybe so. But would that be so bad?" He asked and I shrugged.
"Depends on whether you'll regret something afterwards." I said and he smiled.
"Never." He said with a smile putting both his hands on my face and looking me in the eyes as he said it.
After a moment he took my hand and let me out of the room. I let him, I had no idea why? Maybe it was the alcohol I had drunk, or some gut feeling.
Suddenly I had this feeling take over me. Like something possessed me or something. But for a moment I knew I wanted something so much it burned. We only got to the hallway before I stopped Finnick and looked up at him with a small smile.
"You're drunk too. Careful not to do anything you'll regret." He said using my words against me with this annoying drunk smirk that I felt like wiping off his face.
I rolled my eyes at him but then when I looked back at him he was still there, waiting for me to look back at him. I felt this force take over me, maybe it was primal. But I pushed Finnick gently till his back gently hit a wall. I followed him and stood directly in front of him and paused for a moment to looked at him. He looked at me a little surprised but still happy that I was there.
"Don't make me regret it then." I said defiantly.
He smiled at me a little confused but I put my hand behind his neck. I paused for a moment to look at him to make sure that he was okay. Before pulling him gently downwards along with standing on my toes. I closed my eyes and let his lips meet mine. They were very different from Charlies. I could feel this weird feeling in my stomach. I could feel fireworks go off inside my head and his hands that slowly fumbled his way unto my lower back. Everything he touched burned in the best way. All I wanted was him nearer I pulled him closer, so close that we could not stand closer to each other. But it was not enough, I wanted more.
Some primal monster had been awakened in me moments before and now it seemed to be let loose. It wanted one thing and one thing only.
Finnick.
We eventually broke apart, he looked at me and laughed I could not help but laugh too. I had no idea what was actually funny, but here we were laughing. He gave me one more kiss before just looking into my eyes for a moment. I looked at him a little curiously because he seemed to look at me like I had the secrets to the universe. I did smile as I looked at him.
"We should probably head back inside." I said after a few moments of us just looking at each other.
Not really letting go, but I knew we had too. We had to let go and go back inside, this night had been wonderful and almost like a fantasy. But as much as I wanted to stay there forever with him, I knew that that could not happen. We had other people we cared about and who cared about us who needed us. No matter how much I wanted to be there for the rest of my life. For those moments I felt like I was free, like I was flying amongst the stars. But I knew we were needed down here on earth, so we needed to let go.
He looked at me and sighed but just kept holding onto me.
"Not yet, they can wait a little bit longer." He said slowly.
I knew we had responsibilities, I had just convinced myself that we needed to take care of those responsibilities. Yet those few words from him was all it took to convince me, so we stayed there, together, holding each other. No words escaped our mouths but so much was said.
We did eventually go back inside, holding hands, the last testament to what had happened. And it was our small rebellion, our will or inability to let go of what had just happened.
I wanted this to last forever, because for an entire night with Finnick, I had forgotten about the horrors we had endured, the horrors that was yet to come was out of mind, and for a small moment, I was truly, deeply,
Happy.
That is the thing about being a tribute, when things are good, things are truly great. They are the most wonderful experiences. On the other hand when things are bad, they are horrors otherwise unimaginable.
I did not remember going to bed, I only remembered how happy I was. How for a moment everything was perfect. I thought back to this as I sat in a white room. It was still making me uneasy, everything was so white, and clean. Not even the glass had as much as a smudge on it. It was too much, this was all too much. Too clean, too perfect. It was slowly driving me insane. I tried to focus back on last night, how everything was still good. Where things were perfect but not because they were perfectly neat, because they were perfectly messy. Nothing here was messy. I felt out of place and on edge.
I was biting my nails on my left hand, a bad habit I had picked up. My nails were worn down, I had been scolded by my stylists and had fakes put on last night. Now those were off, and my worndown and short chappy nails were back.
I was biting them out of habit and just in the need to try and focus on anything else. The white was almost as bad as the stench of roses that plagued everything in this room. Everything was too much or too little.
I also knew why I was here, what was about to happen and the choice I was faced with.
The choice of being sold as the slave I almost already was to the capitol, to maybe save my friends.
Or
Keep my freedom but take their lives.
It was truly an impossible choice.
So here I was hating how clean this room was, I had shortened my breath to avoid the rosy smell, and biting my nails. And I was just sitting there, waiting to be faced with an impossible choice, alone.
I was taken out of my trance when an avox opened the door and nodding at me. The dread however did not leave me for one second. In a big blur of bad emotions I got up from my seat in the foye and walked into the chamber where my life would change for the worse, one way or another.
"Nova, glad you could come in today. You and Finnick seemed to disappear from the party so early last night." He said the venom clear in his voice, he was unhappy already, I knew this. That is why I could not imagine that he would spare Charlie or Dodger even if I had cut off all contact to them.
I just gave him a polite smile and sat down in front of him.
"Sorry about that. Finnick wanted a word with me in private." I said coldly, trying to at least cover the nervousness in my voice. He gave me a small smile and a nod. I then heard the door close behind me.
I was alone in another steril room, with a man that could take everything from me with the flick of his hand. Yet I looked at him on the other end of the desk, ready to hear a literal proposal from the devil.
"Now Nova, as you have probably heard, the capitol do love its victors. They simply cannot get enough of you victors." He said and paused to look at me. There was a moment where he expected me to talk but I stayed silent looking at him as defiantly as I could trying to mask how truly scared I was of the man in front of me.
"Your time is very valuable, I would like you to give your time and provide services for us here in the capitol. Otherwise I do know who and where your friends are. We would not want anything bad to happen to them would we now?" He said looking me dead in the eyes, I breathed out the breath I had been holding.
I knew I should be thinking right now, but my mind was completely blank in the moment. All I could feel was uneasy. There was a pit in my stomach and a clump in my throat. Yet there I was starring at a man who could ruin my life in a heartbeat, and I could not for the life of me say anything. My mind was screaming at me to just say or do anything. Right now I was silently killing my friends.
Yet I stayed silent.
"What do you say? Would you provide services for the capitol?" He said getting impatient with me.
I finally managed to swallow the lump in my throat.
"Yes."
I did not even think, I had had no idea what I was gonna do, but I heard myself say yes without even thinking. I had done something at least.
He smiled at me with a smile I knew could never be good and then stood up letting me know the meeting was done.
"I am very glad to hear that Nova. I imagine Charlie and Dodger will be as well." He said walking me to the door with a smile.
A smile that told me how happy he was now knowing that he owned me. Every part of me. That I was effectively cooperating and playing by his rules. Now he held all of my cards and it terrified me. But what was done was done. And I could only get up and follow him to the door.
"You will hear from me shortly." He said after this pause as he opened the door and smiled at me.
I slowly walked out the door and only seconds after I was out of his office the door closed behind me. I jumped in shock of the door and almost like it had woken me up from the trance I had just been in.
Suddenly I was hit with a wave of different emotions. I had just sold my self to the capitol. I would now be his whore and have to abide by the capitols every need. I could see Charlie and Dodger again but at what cost?
It was my impossible choice, and I had chosen their happiness over mine.
I was now a slave to the capitol, I had signed off my soul to the devil and there was no more I could do to escape this. This was my life now. I would have to live with this until I was too old for them to want me anymore. I stood there alone for a moment feeling like I had just given up my entire life in minutes without even thinking about it.
I slowly gathered myself and walked to the car waiting for me. The drive back happened in a blur as I got ready to tell the others.
I did not even remember the walk up to the penthouse I just walked in to see Beetee and Wiress waiting for me. Tiffy was there as well and looked at me annoyed.
"Why on earth weren't you at breakfast young lady?" She said but I barely heard what she said, her comment was completely lost on me. She had no idea what was going on clearly.
"And why do you look so pale my dear? You look like you have seen a ghost." She followed up.
I finally managed to look at her. She looked at me confused, like she was only now seeing how broken I was right now. I just slowly dragged my feet across the floor over to Beetee and Wiress who both looked at me kindly but concerned. They knew exactly where I went this morning, and knew how much I had struggled with this.
As I finally stopped I stood directly in front of them, the lump in my throat was back.
"So?" Wiress finally said gently. I just shook my head and tried to get my emotions under control for just a moment to tell them how I just sold myself away to them.
"I…" I managed to get out before the tears welled up in my eyes. But just then I thought of the boys and I did manage to gather my emotions up for just a moment, afraid that if I said it out loud it would become real.
"I said yes." I finally managed to get out, it was like it finally sunk in then and there, the look of shock and sadness on my behalf on their faces was enough to push me over the edge. I feared I had made a huge mistake but there was nothing I could do now. I was trapped, the devils contract was signed and I could not back down now.
I started sobbing and crying as they both pulled me in for a hug and just let me cry the decision I had just made truly sinking in.
"I just said yes, I didn't even think about it. I couldn't think and I just said yes." I said in-between sobs.
We stood there for a while as I cried and they hugged me. They both understood how much this choice meant, and the consequences that followed with this choice.
When I was finally cried out they pulled away and looked at me.
"It will be alright Nova. We are still here for you." Beetee said with a small comforting smile.
And for a moment it did comfort me, until I remembered I still had to tell Finnick. And then when we got home later tonight I would have to tell the boys. Well if I got to go home. I would have to come here to please capitolians who bought me.
We finally walked over to the table again with Tiffy still sitting there a little sour still not understanding the situation.
"Well, I am sorry that something upset you, but that is no excuse to miss breakfast." She said and I rolled my eyes.
Sometimes Tiffy did have her moments where I appreciated her, but it was times like this that I was reminded how truly ignorant the capitolians truly were to what we experienced.
I wanted to yell at her, to tell her exactly why I was upset but Beetee gave me a stern look that told me to hold my tongue, and so I did.
Later I was upstairs knocking on Finnicks door. Mags had let me in and given me a small hug seeing my red eyes from earlier. But she quickly let me go to him, just giving me a small comfort telling me that he lived with it pretty well.
I was knocking on his door and then he opened it. At first he seemed happy to see me and knew what had probably happened. He let me inside and gave me a small hug telling me first that it was gonna be okay. He sat me down on the edge of his bed. The smell in this room almost calmed me down, it was familiar and I noted him wearing the bracelet I had given him. But I could not truly focus on that, I just had to tell him how I had repeated his mistake even though he had repeatedly warned me against it.
I sat in front of me holding my hands and looking at me concerned.
"So? What did you do?" He asked slowly looking scared on my behalf. I understood, why he felt this way, but I was scared as well, scared to tell him.
"I'm so sorry Finn." I started tears welling up in my eyes.
He looked at me concerned and reading this, I knew he had figured out what I had done I started crying as soon as I saw his face he was hurt. I understood, I would be as well if someone I cared about had just sold themselves even though I had repeatedly warned them against it.
"Damn it Nova." He said and I also heard some anger in his voice. I hoped it was not as much with me as my choice and the situaiton I was in.
"You have just made the biggest mistake of your life. Do you know that?" He said sad and almost disappointed in me.
"I couldn't let them die." I said consumed with sadness of the situation I was in.
"I thought the same! And my family was still killed! He doesn't care that you said yes, he will kill them the next time you do something wrong anyway! Why would you do this?" He said upset.
"I don't know. I couldn't think. And I just…" I mumbled and he looked at me actually angry.
"You didn't even think? You just made the biggest mistake of your life and you didn't even think about it. Maybe you wouldn't always be such a mess if you thought longer than to your own nosetip." He said not truly angry, I understood where he was coming from, I had sort of betrayed him. He was also probably projecting his own regret and anger about his own choice onto me. But I did not think about that, I just got angry in return.
"You made the same choice! How can you shame me for not thinking, when you did the exact same thing?" I yelled standing up and facing him.
"And I have spent the rest of my life since that time regretting that choice! You know I spent so much time with you thinking you were smart and wonderful, but this is the dumbest thing yet. You don't even have a real family to lose!" He yelled and that was the nail in the coffin for me. I stood right in front of him and looked him dead in the eyes. I still see the anger on his face but I also noticed how he knew he should not just have said that.
"Well Finnick. You said it yourself, you family was killed anyways. So how would you know?" I said I regret saying it knowing it hurt him, but at that moment I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to feel the pain that I was currently feeling.
With that I left him room and left him standing there stunned and having to process everything that just happened. Just like I was trying to do, as I walked away from him and everything he had said. It is not like I did not know that the things he said were true. I just could not accept that fact in the moment.
I walked out and Mags stood there looking at me sadly, she pulled me into a short hug.
"He will come around don't worry. He just wanted you to have a better life than he does." She said and I nodded on her shoulder knowing she was telling the truth.
I gave her a small smile before I left, trying to tell her that everything would be okay. That we would be okay.
But we would be anything but okay.