"Remember how dad left me in the hospital and drove away and I had to call you to find out where you guys were?"

"Dean, don't…" Sam could literally feel the pain inside his chest from the stirring up of memories that could never be erased.

"He told me that I was born wrong," Dean continued in an almost dead tone. "That I was weak and I'd always be weak. That he didn't have a daughter. He had two sons. And…" Dean stopped when he heard the rumble of the Impala's engine just beyond the window.

Cas had come back. And he wasn't prepared to face him. Not now. Not when he was in this state.

So, detaching himself from the edge of the sofa, he picked himself up and sighed. "Guess I'll just lie down for a while."

"Come on, Dean," Sam complained with a frown, "sooner or later you'll have to talk to Cas. You can't keep shutting him out. He wants to love you regardless of your past or your trauma. Let him. For once in your life, Dean, let someone in completely so that they can make you feel like you deserve to be happy."

"I'm tired," the older Winchester said halfheartedly, then after he peeled off his black leather jacket, he collapsed onto the bed and closed his eyes. Listening though…listening for the door to open. And when the lock turned and there was the rustle of plastic bags, Dean barely opened his eyes enough to spy Cas coming in, his trench coat spotted from drops of rain.

Cas sighed, lifted the bags onto the table. The weather was indeed frightful. The Impala drove smoothly but the smell of pie in the car had nauseated him to a point where he rolled down all the windows and a light drizzle ended up wetting the car seats. Then for half an hour, he had meticulously wiped the moisture from Dean's fine leather coverings. Now, as Sam approached him, he pulled out a V8 and handed it to him.

"You're the best," the taller Winchester said lovingly, patting Cas' back. "Best brother-in-law."

"We haven't tied the knot as yet," Cas frowned at Dean's form stretched out on the bed. "How long has he been sleeping?"

"Uh," Sam decided to reveal the truth, "he's not sleeping. Just pretending to be. Dude, did you buy Twizzlers? I love those!" pulling out the packet, he ripped the top off, yanked out five and started munching on them like a big kid.

Cas carefully retrieved a plastic container containing a turkey sandwich and can of orange juice. Then he slowly approached the bed, sat down upon it softly with a worried look upon his face. "Dean, I brought you something to eat. You didn't have lunch. And you need your strength."

"Noo," Dean rolled over on his side, presenting his back to the other man. "I'm not feeling well."

"I know you aren't, babe," Cas reached out and squeezed the hunter's shoulder affectionately. "But you have to try."

"Come on, Dean," Sam protested from across the room. He chewed on his Twizzlers. "Do it for Cas. He went out to get something for you to eat. The least you can do is show some appreciation, man. Besides, if you don't eat the damn sandwich, I will."

"I brought you a vegetable salad," Cas gestured at the bags on the table. Most times, he felt so soft inside after caring for the two brothers. Like right at that moment, Sam's eyes shone with the warmest glow of affection and it was something that Cas treasured inside his heart.

"You're freaking awesome. If Dean doesn't marry you, I will. I swear." And yanking the container from inside the bag, Sam collected a plastic fork, then settled in front of the television.

"Can you try," Cas said in the softest, most caring voice as he lightly ruffled Dean's hair. "For me?"

"How can you still care about me even though I'm being so mean?" Dean's voice cracked. He rolled over onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. "Dammit, Cas, I hate myself for trying to push you away because you keep coming back."

"I'm supposed to come back," was all the other man simply said. "Nothing else makes sense to me except you. You've pushed everyone away, Dean. But you're not going to get rid of me that easily. I'll be here when everyone else is gone, remember I once told you that?"

"You're human now," Dean pointed out as he sat up with a groan. "One of us will have to die first."

Cas opened the container, rested the sandwich on the hunter's lap and then he handed over the juice. "Let's not talk about death."

"Why?" Dean sipped some of the orange juice and weakly picked up the snack. "You can't face the fact that it will happen eventually?"

"I saw a unicorn in the minimart and thought about you," Cas swerved away from the topic. He smiled. "How you hate unicorns when you're exactly like one."

"How am I like a unicorn?"

"You're full of rainbows, extinct and so full of pride."

"I'm not the cover boy for a freaking gay parade," Dean scowled. He bit the sandwich and chewed, enjoying the morsel just as much as he should be after going without food for more than a couple of hours. "You're more like a stuffed unicorn. You're so soft. You give the best squishy hugs. And you're not ashamed to be who you are. In fact, I think you're more acceptable of your sexuality than I am."

"I don't care about my sexuality," Cas simply said, glancing at the television and remembering the movie Sam was engrossed in. It was 'A Walk to Remember' with Mandy Moore. "I have no sexuality," he admitted. "I'm just in love with one person and that's you. There was never anyone else. Maybe I'm…Deansexual."

"Huh," the hunter pondered on the label. "Which makes me what?"

"A bisexual rainbow-colored unicorn."

"I'm not a…"

"Guys come on!" Sam yelled, rearing his neck to glare at them, "I'm trying to look at the freaking movie. Why don't you two just take a walk."

"Hey this is our room, in case you haven't remembered," Dean pointed out. "Giraffe."

"Be nice," Cas patted his arm, smiling. "He's right. Let's go for a walk. Just you and me. We can sit outside and look at the stars and the moon. It's full tonight."

Dean was about to protest but after considering those mellow blue eyes, he gave in completely. Although dreading the time they would spend together alone, he wanted some fresh air.

Cas probably had other motives, like squeezing the truth about that day's events out of him, but Dean remembered that he couldn't get away from expelling anything. Eventually they would have to talk about it. They would have to talk about a lot of things. And if he couldn't stop moping around, then everything would just get worst.

Cas was so gentle with him though, Dean felt like he didn't deserve any of it. Like he wasn't worthy of the way Cas helped him into his jacket, or when Cas opened the door for him. Or when he smiled the sweetest smile that reached his loving blue eyes. All of those honest gestures filled Dean with so much guilt, he wondered if he would ever be able to forgive himself for the fuck ups, for pushing the love of his life away, for even thinking for a second that Cas would walk out on him.

And when the two of them found a bench overlooking the highway in the distance, just under the swaying branches of the maple tree with its only resident being a large white owl, Dean felt like he was undeserving of a man so full of love.

"I'm sorry I pushed you away today," he admitted when they sat down next to each other, their thighs touching. "I was kind of…confused by everything. You know, I honestly thought that it was you, Cas."

"I know," the other man took up Dean's left hand and entwined their fingers upon his lap. "Are you ready to tell me what happened?"

"I might never be ready, but I have to try," the hunter stared at a red truck roaring down the highway loaded with logs. He wished that everything was simpler. But then nothing about love seemed simple.

"If you aren't ready, then you don't have to," Cas squeezed Dean's fingers.

After a while, those green eyes focused on the round moon above the trees and he tried to exhale the worry, the pain and the nervousness. Why was he nervous? Dean was really constantly fearing that he would screw it up. That he would push and push and push until Cas walked away. But so far, Cas kept holding onto him tighter. And because he kept holding on, he was proving to Dean that maybe all of this was worth it.

"Cas, do you ever feel like something's wrong with you?" he asked in a hoarse voice, gazing at their entwined hands. "Like you've made the worst decisions and you've done all the bad things. And you're not worth it?"

"I do. Often," Cas confessed. "But then I keep remembering that my best decision was loving you. At least I've done one good thing in my life. And you're worth it."

When those words drifted from the other man's lips, Dean honestly felt like he was melting into the bench. His heart simply became so mushy, he couldn't even breathe properly.

"There you go saying the right things," he shook his head and smiled. "Dammit, Cas."

"You do realize that I'm going to counter every bad thought that comes out of your mouth, right?" Cas smiled back and nudged Dean's shoulder. "I'm going to keep trying to prove to you that you're worth it."

Dean actually felt a little better after falling so low. "Maybe that's why I fell in love with you."

"Why?" Cas teased.

The wind gently lifted strands of the hunter's hair. "Because you always believe in me when I don't even believe in myself."

Sliding his arm behind Dean's back, Cas drew him in closer and wondered if he would ever come to terms with his beauty. The way his soul radiated with so much wonderful colors. Hugging Dean was like holding on to the best feeling in his entire life. Like knowing that what he felt was bliss, but believing that it was everything else as well.

"He just used his hands all over me, Cas," Dean said after a while. By then he had rested his head onto the softness of the other man's right shoulder. "In places I only want you to touch. And I feel so violated knowing that it wasn't you."

"Well thank goodness the assbutt is dead," Cas said, pulling the hunter into his arms a little more and nuzzling his face into the crook of Dean's left shoulder. "It seems like every monster out there wants my boyfriend. But they can never have him because I have him and I'm the luckiest man in the world."

"Cas…"

"Dean…"

"Can you stop making me fall in love with you all over again?" Dean bit his lips and those emerald eyes fluttered close.

Cas turned his lips onto the other man's neck and kissed him softly. Dean's skin was warm upon his lips. He could feel a pulse, faintly. And although he fought with the feeling of desire welling up inside of his body, there was nothing that could stop him from at least tasting Dean's skin, feeling how his pores were excited. And how he melted under Cas' touch.

"Can you stop making me want you in so many ways?" his warm breath sent slivers of electricity racing through Dean's body. "I just want to take you to bed right now and make love to you all night long…"

"Cas," Dean pleaded, literally feeling himself growing hard just from those simple words. He had to remind himself that his body reacting the way it did wasn't an ultimate sin. It could be a beautiful change.

"I'm just reminding you of what my dreams are like every night. And when we do end up there, I'm going to prove to you how beautiful and special you are to me." Cas smiled.

Choking on memories of the conversation he had with Sam earlier, Dean remained silent. Perhaps he should at least talk to Cas about his fears. But then, wouldn't that be somewhat embarrassing to admit? To elaborate on how he was what? Afraid of having sex with the man he loved the most in the entire world?

It was literally something Dean felt so ashamed of, he couldn't even welcome the idea of fueling the conversation. And because he couldn't talk about it, he sat there in Cas' arms and felt so freaking confused and raw inside.

Every moment that Dean slipped into silence, Cas felt empty inside because he wanted the other man to talk to him. He wanted Dean to trust him a little more every time so that they could discuss anything; the good and the bad. And when Dean refused to open up, Cas felt like he was failing their relationship somehow. He felt like he wasn't doing the right things or providing the right amount of space to allow trust.

"Dean, are you regretting this?" he decided to hit the weakest spot.

"What?"

Cas swallowed hard and decided to bravely dive in. "Us. Being together."

"No," Dean croaked, feeling his heart painfully sink in his chest. "Why would you even think that I'm regretting this?"

"You're giving me too much silence to fill with doubts," Cas said gently. "And my doubts are scaring me because I keep feeling like I'll lose you. And if I lose you then I'll lose myself."

"What do you want me to do, Cas?" Dean struggled to sound composed. "Do you want me to tell you every single thing that goes through my head? Because trust me, you don't want to know my darkest thoughts or what my demons are always saying. If you could only know who I really am then you might run far away from me."

"You do recall that when I raised you from hell, I touched your soul?" Cas' blue eyes met emerald ones. "And I felt every single crack from your past. Like the countless times you tried to end your life because of your father's disbelief in your worth. Or the many times you felt like you wanted to run away and never look back because your life wasn't yours to live."

"How could you…" Dean's eyes leaked tears and yet…Cas pulled him nearer. Holding him as if he was the most precious thing in his life.

"Every time you suffer a traumatic experience, it leaves a crack on your soul. And your soul was torn in many places, Dean," Cas explained in a worried tone. "It wasn't just from the torture in hell. But from the trauma in your past. And I saw everything that you went through. So when you're silent and you're trying to hold back the truth from me, I feel like you don't trust me enough to know the truth anymore."

"I do trust you," Dean said in a pained voice.

"Then why are you putting up a wall between us?"

"Because…" Dean lowered his eyes and tried to control his breathing, "it's not easy for me to talk about certain things. I keep thinking that the moment I tell you everything, you're going to think that I'm not worth it. You helped to bring me out of that dark place, you know? But it's not easy to talk about certain things with you because those things involve you and I'm just ashamed of how I feel about them."

"Dean, if you can't talk to me easily then we need to fix that," Cas stated as the traffic rolled by on the highway and the leaves in the trees rustled. "Right now."

"How?"

"Do you have your cellphone with you?"

Dean frowned. A leaf the color of maple syrup fell onto his lap. He picked it up and avoided eye contact. "Yeah, why?"

Cas pulled out his mobile. "Take yours out. Go on."

"Why, Cas?" Dean was puzzled.

"Since we cannot say the words face to face, I want you to send me a text. And I'll send you one as well with one thing that I'm most afraid of in terms of you. Are you willing to try that?"

Dammit. Leave it to Cas to find some miraculous way to get them through the darkest storm. Really? Every single time he seemed to dip low on the 'I'm pretty okay' scale, Cas swept into his space and covered him in a blanket of anxiety and anticipation and nervousness. And all the freaking things that could make his heart quiver from the unexpected.

Dean nodded although he was terrified. "Sounds…okay to me."

"Turn around so that we're backing each other," Cas smiled a little as he tried to maneuver the other man on the bench by taking a hold of his shoulders and Dean complied awkwardly. "Great. Now type in the box whatever is troubling you about me, and when we're both finished, I'll count to three and we will click SEND. Are you ready?"

"Okay," Dean swallowed hard, his fingers resting on the screen of his phone.

"Go," Cas' eyes rested on the parking lot where Baby was sleeping just for two seconds, his forehead creased. And then he started to tap away on the keys.

But Dean…well he was somewhat struggling to begin the actual process of expelling his thoughts into a little box on his phone. So he sat there for a while, mulling over things until his heart started to scream for him to take the leap whilst his mind tried to stop him.

Little by little though, his heart won because it was filled with so much love for Cas, the belief in making things work between them that he didn't want to be stuck anymore. He wanted them to settle. To become so comfortable with each other that nothing in the world could come between them.

And so…he began to type. He typed two sentences and then a third. And when he pondered on the words in the box, Dean continued onto a fourth line.

"Are you done?" Cas finally asked when ten minutes had slipped by.

Dean felt like he was about to die from the confession but if they were to break the wall between them, then the words had to be sent. "Yeah, I'm done. You?" he was really curious to learn what Cas was afraid of telling him face to face.

"Yes. On the count of three. One…two…three. Send."

Both of them clicked SEND, holding their breaths and when their phones beeped at the same time, Dean felt like he was about to explode. He couldn't undo anything now. He was literally hanging off a cliff, ready to fall into the depth of anything at that point because there was no turning back. As much as he tried, he couldn't anticipate Cas' reaction and most of all, everything would change between them now.

Their phones beeped from the incoming messages and Cas' thumb immediately clicked on the box. Dean, on the other hand, waited two seconds then he opened up the text.

As the wind swirled around them, chasing thoughts and leaves and trying to scatter hope here and there, the two of them stared in disbelief at their phones.

Dean was holding his breath as he kept reading the words over and over again. As he tried to find the part that didn't hurt the most between Cas' words. But every single line stabbed him in his gut because maybe being distant at times provided Cas with enough room to doubt his worth.

Dean, I'm afraid that one day you will leave me to be with a woman because you want everything that is normal. A normal family with a wife. Kids also. Normal means no judgment. No hiding. It's easier than being with me.

Cas on the other hand was stunned beyond expectation when he read the sentences on his phone screen. Never, would he have expected something so powerful from Dean. Something that he had never been worried about and yet, here between them, Dean had emptied out his worst fear with such innocence, tears glistened in Cas' blue eyes.

If I'm going to come right out and say it, then what I'm most afraid of is experiencing my first time with you by going all the way. That's right, I'm talking about sex because this wouldn't be like any other experience I've had before. I'm going to be taking off all my damn clothes and making love to my best friend who will not be leaving me in the morning. And if I screw this up, then I don't think I'll ever get over it.

"Dean," he said softly, and he bit his lips to hold back the tears.

"Yeah," the other man's chest heaved. "Dammit, Cas, you're going to me cry."

For a while, Cas tried to take deep breaths so that he could compose himself enough to proceed. He was certain of one thing; that the only way forward was to break the ice. So collecting his thoughts, he turned around on the bench and rested his chin upon Dean's left shoulder. And when he read his own text on the hunter's phone, Cas felt his worst fear come to light again, like pulling open a closet door and allowing the demon inside to slip out.

"If it makes you feel any better," he said as the other man remained silent, "I've never had sex with another man either, so we will both screw up together as we're screwing each other."

"Wow," Dean actually laughed. He pressed his fingertip to the corner of his right eye. "You're unbelievable, Cas."

"I hope that's what you'll say to me when I'm done with you in bed."

"You just can't help it, can you?" Dean turned around and connected their eyes as he smiled in disbelief. "You're always dishing out these lines so smoothly. It's almost as if you're a natural tease."

Cas rubbed their noses together and chuckled. "There, now that you've told me your worst fear, how do you feel?"

There was nothing prickly inside of his chest anymore. Dean smiled and inhaled deeply. "I feel better knowing that you know."

"Good," Cas kissed the other man's lips softly. His eyes fluttered close and he just held him, so intimately in his arms like Dean was a delicate flower. "I'll always treat you like you're the most special thing in my life because you are. But you and I both know that once we take off our clothes in bed, we'll be very demanding. So I'm not certain why you're afraid of our first time."

"Cas…"

"I'll stop then," Cas collected Dean's mushiness into his arms and held him so close, he could feel the other man's heart beating wildly in his chest. "I apologize."

"You don't have to," Dean said softly.

But Cas gazed at him lovingly. "I promise that whenever we make love, I will be as gentle as possible with you, Dean. This will be a learning experience for both of us and it's something that we need to work on together. Please, I don't want you to be frightened of me…"

"I'm not…" Dean sighed and tried to control his breathing. "Cas, I'm not scared of you. I trust you with all my damn heart, okay? I'm not saying we can't…do other things…"

"Really?" Cas nuzzled his face into the hunter's shoulder and chuckled. He wrapped his arms around Dean. "If I must be truthful, I'll admit that my mind wandered several places."

"Like where?"

"Like I want to taste what's inside your pants again –"

"Cas!" Dean scolded, running his fingers through disheveled hair and pressing the other man's face deeper into his shoulder. "Dammit. It's like you know exactly what you're doing to me and you just…go ahead and screw with my mind."

"But you need time…" Cas' words trailed off.

Sure, he needed time. Time for the dust to settle and the memories of a shifter taking the form of the person he loved the most to fade away. He wished that he wasn't always so easy to prey on. Monsters and demons felt that he was the weakest link. Over and over again. And sure Sammy took some good enough punches over the years. But Dean had been caught in some pretty nasty situations that resulted in a lot of damage, damage he could never fix but had to learn to live with.

"I'm not going to leave you for a woman," Dean said suddenly, breaking the ice a little more between them.

"Hmm."

"Cas," Dean croaked, gently turning the other man's face so that their eyes met as he pleaded his case, "look at me, okay? I'm not. I'm going to make this work. You and me. And Sam. We'll find him a wife and we'll make our own happy family together. And we'll have kids, Cas. We both want 'em and we'll find a way to have at least two."

"Are you sure?"

"Am I sure of what?" Dean offered a confused look.

Cas appeared so saddened all of a sudden, he cracked the other man's heart. "Are you sure that you'll be able to commit to us? How can you be certain that if a woman walks into your life tomorrow, and she's beautiful and can make pies and she cooks for you, that you wouldn't start loving me less?"

"Don't," Dean shook his head and felt his chest ache from how wounded Cas appeared in his arms. "I'll never love you less. I'll only love you more. And if a woman comes into the picture, hell, I don't think I'll ever want her in the ways I want you. You're so much more than any random person that comes along because I've known you longer. And Cas, to be honest, they're never going to get through my walls as you do. You're the only person apart from Sammy that I let in."

"Okay, Dean," Cas simply said, smiling and cupping the hunter's face in his left hand. "Can we go back to the motel room now?"

Believing that both of them were severely fatigued from the recent events, Dean trailed the same path they had trodden before and felt somewhat lighter. Not quite. But mostly. Cas still had doubts. He didn't realize the depth of the other man's fears but apparently he had been convinced that someday Dean would run into the arms of a woman.

Why though?

Why would Dean chase after someone else when he had literally lived through a transformation that almost killed him? A transformation that broke him into tiny pieces just so that he could fix himself back together in order to love a man who was still questioning him.

But he had been doubting what he had formed with Cas too, wasn't he? Not too long ago, Dean had actually considered the tragedy of ending their relationship because he couldn't burden Cas with his traumatic soul. He couldn't pin him down like a butterfly and expect him to bloom. He wanted Cas to flourish. To…stop having doubts and to stop loving a man who was flawed beyond understanding.

Cas understood him though.

When Dean stepped over the threshold and into the depths of the room dimly lit from the yellow lamp by the window, something beautiful happened.

Taking Dean's hand firmly into his, Cas tugged the hunter into the room and pulled him into a kiss so passionately initiated, the connection knocked the hunter out of his mind. And as he sought to find his balance, Dean's mind spun out of control from desire swelling in his chest and travelling through his body. Because Cas was demanding. He knew what he wanted and he sought it out without questions. And maybe that's why they were so damn perfect for each other because when he couldn't manage to make the right moves, Cas jumped in first.

Cas kissed him like the world was about to end outside of the motel.