Father and Son

"I'm holding back right now

Cause I'm numb to what's around

I miss the life I used to have with you right here

Now everything has turned to grey

And I'm blacking out the shades for now"

May 23, 2020

One year later

"How was your week?" Nakamura asks.

I lean back in the chair and shrug my shoulders. "It was alright, nothing too exciting happened." I say with indifference. I have been attending these therapy sessions for over a year now. While the same questions do get pretty redundant, Nakamura has proven herself to be a caring person. Almost all of our talks end on a positive note and her loving but stern demeanor is a great source of motivation to make it through the week.

"Any nightmares this week?"

I tighten my jaw and let out a tired sigh. "Yeah, I had two, or at least I think I had two."

Nakamura stares at me for a moment. "Care to elaborate?"

"Well it's hard to know for sure. Some nights I sleep all the way through and wake up feeling refreshed. But sometimes I just wake up in the middle of the night." I say spreading my hands out helplessly.

Nakamura jots down a few notes while I explain. "Well what kind of nightmares? Were they as intense as they were in the beginning or are they less disturbing?"

I let out a small chuckle. "That's the thing, I don't remember the nightmare when I wake up."

"Well have you considered the possibility that maybe you aren't having a nightmare? Some people just wake up in the middle of the night."

"Well I guarantee those people don't wake up in the middle of the night crying while drenched in sweat." I retort. I rub my face and let out a sigh. "I mean it's better then it was before, that's for sure. I just wish I knew what the nightmare was you know? I don't like waking up in tears for no reason."

Nakamura gives me a sympathetic smile. "I understand the frustration and I'm sure with time the nightmares will disappear completely, but unfortunately there's no "cure" for nightmares, you just have to keep taking it one day at a time." I go to argue but ultimately stop myself, she does make a good point, it's just a hard pill to swallow. "In the meantime, is there anything else you wanted to discuss this week?"

I smile to myself. "Actually there is something I want to discuss."

"That's what I'm here for, what is it?" Nakamura asks.

"Well this is going to be our last appointment."

Nakamura is taken by surprise. "Really? Any particular reason why?"

"Well I decided that it's about time I left Kyoto. Yuri and I plan on moving to Sendai for university."

Nakamura gives me a genuine smile. "That's great! A change of scenery would probably do you some good as well." Nakamura lets out a small laugh but soon notices my discomfort. "Is something wrong?" She asks in a concerned tone.

My grip on the chair tightens. "There's something I wanted to do before I leave, you suggested it to me a few months ago and…" I swallow the lump that had formed in my throat. "…I want to visit my Dad."

Nakamura's face takes on a concerned expression. "Are you sure? You don't have to do this if you don't want to, you could just move on with your life." Nakamura warns.

I shake my head. "No, if I leave without saying something then it'll feel like I was just running away from him. At least to me it would." I stare at Nakamura, a new found sense of determination spreading throughout my body. "I have to do this."

Nakamura stares at me, the silence dragging out before she finally smiles at me. "You truly have come a long way since our first meeting I'll say that much." Nakamura stands from her chair and extends her hand towards me. "Very well, if this truly is our last meeting, then it was a pleasure getting to know you Kris."

I stand up and shake Nakamura's hand. "The pleasure was all mine doc, you have done a lot for me over the past year. I'll never forget it."

"If you'd like, I could refer you to some associates of mine in Sendai." Nakamura offers.

I politely refuse her offer. "I appreciate the offer, but it won't be necessary, I don't want to move to Sendai with the mindset that I'm still sick." I give her a genuine smile. "Not too mention Yuri will be there to knock some sense into me if I slip, so I think I'm in good hands."

Nakamura lets out a laugh. "She's lucky to have someone like you."

I smile to myself. "No, I'm the lucky one." I say my goodbyes to Nakamura and exit the building.

I enter my house and ascend the stairs to find my bedroom door open, I peek inside and roll my eyes at the sight. Yuri is standing over my bed, my clothes folded into several neat stacks. She scowls to herself as she goes through the mountain of clothes that have yet to be folded. I enter the room and shut the door behind me, getting little to no reaction from Yuri. She simply continues folding before speaking up. "I swear for someone who wears the same thing almost every day, you have an ungodly amount of clothes." Yuri says, annoyance prevalent in her voice.

I let out a chuckle and make my way towards her. "I don't remember asking you to pack for me, you put this burden upon yourself."

Yuri gives me a side glare. "And you're the one who hasn't packed yet, the last thing I want is to find you frantically shoving everything into a suitcase the day of the move." Yuri counters.

I let out a laugh, unable to argue with her logic. I step behind her and wrap my arms around her waist. "Admit it, it's one of the things you love about me." I say in a teasing tone.

Yuri scowls to herself. "Only you would confuse frustration with affection." Yuri says in an annoyed tone, but the slight blush on her cheek and the act of her leaning into my embrace tell me it's all in good fun. Yuri hums to herself before breaking the silence. "How did it go today?" She asks quietly.

I shrug my shoulders. "Oh you know, I let her down easy but naturally she was still devastated."

Yuri giggles to herself. "Was she now?"

"Yeah, lots of tears and curses, maybe a thrown chair or two, I'll spare you the details." Yuri and I both laugh. She places her arms on top of mine as we remain embraced. Just a few short months ago, Yuri had finally stopped wearing long sleeve sweaters everywhere she went, exposing her scars to the world. It was a bit rocky at first, the noticeable stares from people when we would go out was demoralizing for her, but over time she slowly began to ignore the stares and with the help of my angry glare deterring anybody from asking about them, she has gained the confidence to not hide her arms. I glance at the scars on her forearm, many old ones with some new ones sprinkled in when things got tough, it has been an uphill climb for the both of us. That being said, a fresh start somewhere else has both Yuri and I excited if not a little nervous.

"I can't wait to move." Yuri says quietly.

"Yeah me too, it will be nice to get away from this place." I let out a dry, humorless laugh. "Nothing but good memories here after all." I say sarcastically.

Yuri rolls her eyes. "Oh come on, it wasn't all bad. There were some good things to come out of this place." Yuri says in a teasing tone.

I furrow my brow in thought. "Nothing really comes to mind." Yuri swiftly elbows me in the gut dragging a laugh out of me.

"I hate you." She says softly.

I smile and pull her closer. "I love you too." I whisper, kissing Yuri on the neck near her collarbone.

"We should really finish packing." Yuri gasps.

"What's the rush?" I whisper into her ear.

Her cheeks taking on a deep shade of crimson, she stumbles on her words. "W-we only have two d-days." Yuri retorts, her nails digging into my back.

I let out a small laugh. "Exactly that's forty eight hours. Plenty of time."

Yuri giggles. "You're right, knowing you this will only take five minutes tops." She says in a teasing tone.

I look Yuri in the eye, feigning a pained expression. "That was hurtful."

Yuri giggles before letting out a yell of surprise as I place my hands on the back of her thighs and lift her up. Her legs wrapped around my waist, I slowly back peddle to the bed and sit down, knocking over the neatly folded stack of clothes in the process. Yuri sighs in annoyance as she straddles my lap. "I just folded those you know." She remarks quietly, the scolding tone of her voice contrasting the playful expression on her face.

I smirk at her in response. "It's not like I wear them anyway."

Yuri responds with a passionate kiss that I swiftly return. Yuri hums to herself sending vibrations onto my lips as she slowly rocks her hips, only stopping briefly to allow me to pull her shirt over her head. She yelps in surprise again as I lift her up and gently lay her down on her back. I hover over her body, one hand gently caressing her cheek, while the other traces the outer side of her thigh while marveling at the otherworldly beauty she possesses. Everything from her naturally fair skin, her raven black hair sprawled onto the bed with just a few loose strands falling over her shoulders, to the rich, deep amber color of her eyes, complete with the crimson shaded blush that always comes over her face during these moments of intimacy. Yuri gently locks her legs around me, placing her hand on my cheek. Her fingertips sending phantom sensations across the permanently numbed area on my face. My one insecurity will always be the scar on my face, a thing I'll never be able to hide from anyone, not that I need to however for Yuri is not bothered by its presence. All thoughts leave my mind, any thoughts of the past, of the move, of what I still need to do before leaving, all of it means nothing in these few precious moments. Unfortunately, like all things, it doesn't last forever.

I stare at the ceiling in thought. Yuri laying on top of me, her raven black hair sprawled over us like a blanket, normally her soft breathing and the gentle thud of her heartbeat lull me into a peaceful slumber. On this night however, I'm not afforded that luxury. My mind races with thoughts of tomorrow, what I plan to say, what he will say in response, is this even a good idea? All of this and more race through my mind until I see Yuri lift her head and look me in the eye.

"Is something wrong?" She asks softly.

I smile to myself. She's as sharp as ever, never missing anything. It's become almost impossible to hide things from Yuri over this past year. Not that it's a bad thing. "I was going to wait until tomorrow but since you asked." I match her stare and let out a sigh. "I have a favor to ask."

Yuri furrows her brow in confusion. "What is it?"

"I plan on going to see my Dad tomorrow, but… I don't want to go alone." I say hesitantly.

Yuri lays her head onto my chest. "Are you sure about this? You could always wait until you're ready." She asks quietly.

I shake my head. "No, the longer I wait the harder it will be. There are things I need to say, things he needs to hear."

Yuri remains silent for a few moments, her fingers nervously drumming on my chest. "If you're sure about this, then I'll go with you." She raises her head and once again makes eye contact. "Just remember not to let whatever he says get to you, it doesn't matter what he thinks. Just say your peace and get out. Please." Yuri says, concern prevalent on her voice.

I smile at her concern. "Thank you." I say gratefully. Yuri smiles and nuzzles her head into my chest, sighing to herself. I look up at the ceiling once again, Yuri's words giving little comfort to my growing anxiety.

May 24, 2020

We sit in silence as Yuri drives us towards Kyoto Prison. For a graduation gift her Father bought her a Nissan Note (black because of course) and she offered to drive me. An offer I normally refuse but on a day like today I welcomed the gesture. We ride in silence, Yuri sneaking worried glances at me occasionally as I restlessly drum my fingers on my leg. My once racing thoughts are now blank as we make our way towards the prison. Yuri grips the wheel with her left hand while resting her right hand on the console with her palm facing up. A wordless gesture but one that I take by placing my hand within hers, gently squeezing it. We don't breathe a word as the prison comes into view.

We sit for a moment in the parking lot, neither of us breaking the silence as the minutes tick by. I begin to restlessly bounce my leg up and down. A fresh sheen of sweat plastered on my face. Yuri clears her throat and finally breaks the silence.

"Do you want me to come with you?" She cautiously asks.

I simply shake my head. "Just give me a sec." I mutter quietly. After a few more minutes I let out a sigh and open the door. "I wont be long." I say to Yuri.

"Take all the time you need, I'll be out here." Yuri reassures. I smile at her in response and gently caress her cheek with my hand (ignoring the way they are trembling) and exit the car.

Every step I take towards the prison sends a shiver down my spine. As I wait for them to escort me to the visitation room, I go over everything I planned on saying. Within no time, I'm escorted to a chair sitting in front of a pane of glass, another empty chair on the other side with a phone next to each. Before my swarming thoughts get the better of me and I take the chance to bolt out of the prison, He comes into view. It's only been a year but it's almost like I'm seeing a different person. He's lost a considerable amount of weight since being imprisoned, most likely due to the lack of alcohol. His beard and hair have a few more strands of grey. The only thing that indicates that this man is indeed my father is his eyes, they are the same shade of blue as mine but unlike me they are dull, almost lifeless. He stares at me for a moment, his face plastered with an unreadable expression. After what feels like an eternity, he slowly takes his seat and grips the phone. In perfect unison we both unhook the receiver and place it towards our ears.

An uncomfortable silence falls over us, we both stare each other down but neither of us break the tension. His facial expression is still unreadable and no matter how hard I try I can't get myself to talk. After several false starts I gain the strength to speak, but he beats me to the punch.

"How's your mother?" He asks in a gruff voice.

I blink in surprise, taken aback by his sudden question. I quickly regain my composure and clear my throat. "She's fine, she...she got a job with the Aimotos as their secretary." I respond, my voice wavering a bit. I grip the phone as tightly as I can to hide the fact that my hands are still trembling.

"That's good." Dad simply responds. We again fall into silence once again. This time however his gaze focuses on my face. His eyes lingering on my scar. A feeling of anger swells up in my chest taking over my anxiety. I match his gaze, daring him to ask how I got it. "Why are you here?" He asks in an almost annoyed tone.

His question again take me by surprise. "What?"

"Out of everyone that could have visited me you were the last person I expected. Not even your mother came by to see me since I've been in here."

I let out an angry laugh. "Maybe there's a reason for that? Did you expect her to visit the man that did nothing but abuse her for years?" I say angrily. My fist clenched tightly under the table.

Dad scowls at me. "If you've come to lecture me on how shitty of a husband and father I was you're wasting your time. The last thing I need is to be lectured by a child." He says dismissively.

I stand up from my chair and stare him down with eyes full of fury, wishing that there wasn't a thick pane of glass between us. "That's all you have to say to me? Over a year locked behind bars and you still treat me like some ignorant child?" I ask in a flat, even tone. He doesn't respond, he simply returns my glare. I turn my cheek towards him, showing him the consequences of his drunken actions. "Take a good look, this was the result of your "parenting", in fact I'm lucky to even be alive!" I shout at the top of my lungs, getting a few stares from the guards in the room. I sit back down in the chair and take a few breaths to calm myself, Dad remains silent. After gaining my composure I let out a humorless laugh. "I didn't come here to make you beg me for forgiveness, I didn't come to ask you why, why you did the things that you did." Dad goes to speak but I stop him. "Don't bother trying to answer that, I doubt anything you say will make it right."

"Is there a point to all of this then? Or are you just wasting my time?" Dad interrupts.

I let out another humorless laugh before responding. "She snorts when she laughs."

He stares at me in confusion. "What?"

I look him in the eye. "Mom, when she laughs, and I mean actually laughs not that fake excuse of a laugh she did around you, she snorts. I have never heard her laugh so genuinely for as long as I can remember." I lean forward in the chair. "This is the point of my visit. I didn't come here to lecture you, god knows you wouldn't listen anyway. No, I came here to tell you that she has been happy, for the first time in eighteen years Mom is genuinely happy. She has a job, she has friends, she has a life, all things that she was never allowed to have with you around."

"Now who the hell do…" I stop him midsentence by slamming my fist into the glass.

"Goddamnit! For once in your life would you just keep your mouth shut?" He falls silent from my sudden outburst. I take a breath, running my hand through my hair, and speak in a lower, more calm tone. "I didn't come here to yell at you, I didn't come here to tell you how much I hate you, after all the last words a son should say to his Father should never be ones of hate and animosity. Even for a Father as pathetic as you."

Dad furrows his brow in confusion. "What do you mean last words?" He asks.

My grip on the phone tightens and I swallow the lump in my throat. "I mean just that. This is the last time we will speak to each other, ever. I'm moving tomorrow, going to university, not that you care about any of that. My point is this, Mom has moved on, and I'm moving on as well. As for you, you are being left behind. I don't know when you get out of here, if I had it my way, I would see to it that you never be allowed to leave this prison. But when you do get out." I lean forward in my chair and speak in a dangerous tone. "You will not talk to mom or I, you will not try to find us, if there is some part of you, some small insignificant part of you that actually gives a damn, you will do us both a favor and stay out of our lives. You have done nothing but cause pain and suffering to the both of us, but those days are over. You had your chance to be a loving husband and father, but that chance was lost long ago." I stare him down, Dad's expression remains unreadable but his icy glare has noticeably softened. I clench my teeth and repress the built up emotions threatening to break free. "I truly hated you, for so long I hated everything about you." I let out a humorless laugh. "But in the end that hate has given me nothing. It's only weighed me down, as much as you don't deserve it, I have chosen to forgive you." His eyes widen in surprise. "I don't know what made you this way and I don't care. I use to be afraid of you once upon a time but now, seeing you in front of me. All I feel is pity, that a man can stoop as low as you have, it's the saddest thing I've ever seen." Dad doesn't respond, his grip on the phone tightening at my words, his face remaining as frustratingly unreadable as ever, I don't know what I was expecting, for him to break down into tears and beg me for forgiveness or for him to fly into an unbridled rage and curse my very name. Despite the disappointment I feel an odd sense of satisfaction. I stand up and spare one last glance at my father before hanging the phone up. "I hated you for all of my life, but at the same time I loved you. You only get one father in this life and as much as I want to say I didn't love you, I did. Even if you didn't love me back." I hang up the phone and swiftly make my way out of the room. Ignoring the pounding of fists on the glass behind me, whether he was crying out for forgiveness or in anger I'll never know. I simply looked straight ahead and kept walking.

Yuri lets out a sigh and leans back in the seat. She checks the time on her phone and glances towards the prison for the seventeenth time. She sits up straight when she notices me come into view however. I reach the car door but don't open it, I turn around and lean against it. Taking calming breaths to try and repress the tears. After a stifled sob escapes my lips, I place my fist into my mouth and bite down. The sound of the car door opening behind me gets my attention.

"Just g-give me a second." I stammer out quietly, cursing the way my voice cracked with emotion. The sound of footsteps approaching me, convey that Yuri didn't listen. I feel her arms wrap around me. "I told you to g-give me a s-second." I mutter quietly.

"And I didn't listen." Yuri responds, her grip only tightening around me. I return her embrace and rest my chin on top of her head. Letting out silent tears and stifled sobs. Yuri thankfully doesn't ask about what happened, she understands better then anyone that sometimes it's best to just not ask. After a few minutes I take a breath to regain my composure, wiping the tears from my face with trembling hands.

"I don't know about you but I'm ready to get as far away as possible from this place." I say with a forced smile.

Yuri returns it. "Good, we still have to pack after all." She says in a light scolding tone.

I roll my eyes at her. "Yes dear." I say in a monotone voice.

We both enter the car and Yuri begins to drive us back towards the house. I simply stare out the window in silence, Gently caressing Yuri's hand with my thumb. I'm unsure if I got to say everything I wanted to say, but I can't deny this odd feeling of satisfaction. Like a heavy weight has just been lifted off of my chest and I'm finally able to breathe freely. It's a nice feeling. "Thank you, for coming with me." I say sincerely.

Yuri smiles to herself and tightens her grip on my hand. "You're welcome."