t had been cloudy for weeks now with extreme rain and lightning, but all I did was stay inside or hover around the boundary of the 203rd compound.
Without Victorya there was a soft velvet of silence over the members of the battalion, many members asked me if I was okay and I would always respond with a "Yes" or even a "Im fine, let's focus on the future."
But both of those answers were a lie, there was nothing for me anymore only endless darkness on this long road ahead. Even writing and sketching seemed to get harder and harder after each day.
The only time I could feel some joy was when I was asleep, sometimes if I was lucky I was able to dream of Victorya. It was neither a dream...nor a nightmare when I dreamt about her, it is always a sad thing to wake up from a dream.
I loved her, but now she was gone and I had nothing left. I wanted to talk to Anes and Claire but every time I thought about telling them my issues I felt sick to my stomach. They were my problems, I shouldn't make Anes worry when he has one foot in the grave.
The sounds of rain against the rough soil sounded like the keys of a piano were being played underwater, the sounds hurt my head or maybe the alcohol and the packs of cigarettes I had been smoking were the true culprits of my headache.
Usually I had a smoke after a couple of days, usually I could make a single pack last for a whole month. Sometimes when I was stressed, I would take two roll ups instead of one but that was only on rare occasions, but now I was sneaking out of the compound once a week and coming back with a bag full of booze and smokes.
Victorya was slowly getting me clean off of that stuff, saying things like "It will mess up your lungs!" or my personal favorite "If you love me, you will stop smoking those damn things."
She really did care about me, and for a little while I was clean and off of that shit. But now she was gone and they were the only things able to keep me sane.
Tanya had rarely said a word to me ever since that day, I think she tried to kick me off of the 203rd due to disobeying orders. But Rerugin stopped her somehow, I had been documenting every single thing that has happened ever since I got here and had been mailing it to him.
Maybe he thought that keeping me around and being his little spy was really useful so I didn't get court-martialed.
But every time I was around her there was a significant tension between us.
"Don't lump me together with you!" My own voice boomed inside of my head
I didn't like Tanya, I had slowly been able to accept her for who she was and move past my attraction. But I could never avoid her cruel looks, a part of me didn't care how she turned her nose up to me.
I reeked of booze and smoke, but I didn't care. There was no point to anything, nothing to do or anything to give myself to.
That was what I was thinking right before I crashed into enemy territory.
Tanya ordered us to attack a whole squadron of mages, I was half asleep and was holding back throwing up in my suit from the hangover I was experiencing.
It probably wasn't a shock when I crash landed, when I landed I carried my broken body to a trench. It didn't matter if it was enemy or allies, if it was my allies I would be saved and safe from the battle overhead.
If it was the enemy they would end my miserable existence. But instead there was only an empty cold trench. It was a dormitory and I took off the armor and placed it in the corner of the room, I grabbed a blanket and thrown it around my cold body.
The trench was abandoned, these guys were forced so quickly that I could see photographs and jewelry around the barracks.
And I slept for what felt like forever until I was awoken by a voice.
"Frank...wake up." a familiar voice said as my eyes began to slowly squint open
"Who are you?" I questioned as I squinted, my eyes were having a hard time adjusting to the darkness
"Wake up" he repeated again as my eyes fully open
I stared at where the voice came from but all I saw was the armor. The chestplate, shoulder pads, bracers, and knee pads were scattered on a separate bed. But the helmet was staring straight at me as it rested on a pillow.
"Who are you, reveal yourself."
"You have spawned me from your own burning hatred, I am your dark side."
"No this is some illusion, your just a helmet." I laughed, but I at the same time I was tense. Was I going insane?
"Yeah I am...I am made of nuts and bolts...while you are made of blood and bone. But you have felt like me, but I had never felt like you." the helmet pondered
"What are you talking about"
"Frank...it is time to end it...we have suffered for long enough."
I stared at it, the red eyes staring deep into my soul like it was able to read every little secret stored in my head.
"No, I just need rest." I insisted as I began to turn away from the helmet's glare
"Rest!? After everything we've done? The death, the loss, THE SUFFERING! WHO ARE YOU TO DENY ME" the helmet screamed causing me to grab my ears, but there was no pain.
It was just an illusion...just apart of my imagination.
"Why are you doing this."
"There is nothing anymore...our light is gone...taken from us...please let it end."
"No." I said as I began to shake my head, he wasn't lying. But hearing those words spoken too me was just too much, they felt so real.
"You are arrogant...proud...and...resilient. You struggle day and night, fight battles that will be remembered for generations...but you will never be remembered. You are nothing...we are nothing." he affirmed as a shadow was cast over the room, ready to suck everything into it.
"No, Anes said…"
"The old fool is blinded...he does not help us because he cares, he helps us to atone for his own lost son. The helmet cut me off
"No, no, he invited me into the family." I protested
"Because there is no heir...no future...nothing, we are nothing."
"No, there is always hope. Victorya wouldn't want me to give up. Leave me alone!" I screamed as I slammed my fist against the cement wall, he was saying everything that I thought of. But when he said it out in the open, I just couldn't handle it.
"Who cares anymore...no honor...no home...nothing to fight for on this long road. Only cuts...scars...and death. We have built towers of corpses...towers that could reach to heaven itself, we don't deserve forgiveness."
"There is always a way, Victorya would never want me to give up like this. In both of my lives as long as I had a gun by my side there has always been a chance, that has never changed." I got up feeling powerful as I took steps towards the helmet. "Fighting for my life...all this pain I have to endure...proves that I am alive."
"NO I WANT IT TO END. I WILL NOT FLOAT WITH THE DAMNED UNNAMED SOULS"
"What do you want from me?" I pleaded
"I want it to end, please"
"We are both so tired...tired of wearing metal against our skin...tired of fighting other mens wars...tired of living in this forsaken time."
"I'm sorry." He was just like me, we both suffered.
"Wouldn't it be good to be free from all of this? Victorya and our child are waiting on the other side."
I took a glance out of the window and for a second the rain and fog cleared, the destruction and mangled corpses of men were transformed in front of me.
A circular green patch was spread right in the middle of the field, a yellow aura resinated from there as I saw a girl holding something cradled in a blanket.
"Victorya?"
She stared at me with a smile that I had not seen for what felt like years. She was there cradling something, instead of her uniform she was wearing a bright blue dress, she was making funny faces towards the blanket and I could hear a soft laugh erupted from it.
"Is that…our child?" I sniffled as I wrapped my arms around myself
"You may witness, but you cannot proceed any further.."
I crouched down feeling the tears stream down my face as I began screaming, the agony in my voice sending powerful pains through my veins as I began to smash my fist across my body.
"No honor...nothing to fight for...nothing...nothing except this long and winding road." I screamed as I stared at them
"They should of have lived...we failed them" the helmet purred into my ear
"I know" I sniveled as I laid my head on the ground in defeat
A massive shockwave was heard from the sky as a yellow streak landed right above the trench, the 203rd were still fighting.
I stared at the sky and I instantly knew what I had to do, I began to put on my armor and when I began clicking on my chestplate the helmet began to speak again.
"What are you doing? You'll never make it, like last time you will fail to save them."
"Im sorry Victorya" I said one last time as I stared at them, when I turned away the illusion was gone
I gripped the helmet staring into it's red eyes as I turned it around to place it around my head, it felt cold and wet.
"This won't be the last time...you need me...without me...without our bloodlust and wrath...we would have been lost long ago."
It was quiet after that as I turned on my mage gear and flew up towards the sky seeing the 203rd dealing with a massive squadrain's of multiple mages heading there way.
My purpose was gone...ripped from my very hands. But maybe I could find something else, maybe I couldn't become the best. Dreams, ambition, love, hope; in this world. These wishes and dreams that I had, could this world ever allow me to attain one?
A brief image of Victorya played in my head, she was smiling. That smile I will always remember, but a swift darkness clouded my mind. I violently shook my head trying to shake away the memory...what would be the point in remembering her? To just be reminded of these failures that haunt me as I sleep.
God asked me to find that person...to lead them back to the flock they have abandoned so long ago.
In this world was my destiny my own? Or was it god who placed me on this path, was all these journeys and suffering I have experienced just one little piece in some games. At least it is true that man has no control; even over his own will.
Though I do know one thing, my will is my own. I clutched the gun tighter as I pressed it closer towards me...it has always been by my side, no matter the losing battle...at least if I had it by my side, I know that there is at least a chance of survival.
I use this gun to protect this deep wound that I have in my soul...I guess if I use it, I could leave life with a smile.
"Will you be my shield." she asked me
Her voice had a warmth to it, but there was tension in her voice. I wasn't destined to find my purpose or destiny in this world, but maybe I could find somebody that has already found their purpose and serve them the best I could.
As those words poured into my head like a raging river, I felt sick. This wasn't how one should live his life! Trying to find other people to tell him what to do and command him like he was just some animal.
But I was one, an animal...an animal that saw only life and death. I lived for other people my whole life, and if one can't live the life they want. Wouldn't it be better to just die? Doesn't that make me a corpse just like the bodies scattered around in the Rhine.
A mage bullet pierced the sky about to ram straight into a member of the 203rd, I didn't know him but it didn't stop me from grabbing his collar and throwing him behind me. I quickly braced myself as the mage bullet exploded as a cloud of smoke surfaced from the armor.
"Is that all you got!" I screamed out, my body hurt from the bullet. Even saying those words made my whole body have a strain on my upper chest, but I still kept on pushing.
My mg ripped through them as a darkness spurred into me, I didn't care anymore...living just seemed so hard...so what was the point if I damaged my body.
I slammed into an enemy mage, I could feel his right arm break against my tackle as his gun kicked back sending an explosive spell god knows where.
He screamed out in pain right before the gun made that all familiar sound, and all that remained was a fallen body.
"Frank are you okay?" Tanya asked me as she put another clip into her rifle, we were getting surrounded.
I knew that we were an elite battalion but command and these missions that we were assigned were getting too crazy, we didn't have the men or the supplies to deal with these guys.
"Im fine."
"Do you want to pull out...you seem to be bleeding." she said as she pointed towards my chestplate
A little magical bayonet was able to breach the chestplate, I could hardly feel it but it was probably the adrenaline. There were multiple cuts and bruises that were over the armor because of the numerous barrage that I took the hit from.
I felt strange...so tired...but so alive at the same time. "This isn't like you, order me around like how you usually do."
She smiled that broken smile, maybe she knew that I didn't care anymore. That life didn't hold any value to me, I basically gave her permission to do what she wants with my body now. It truly didn't matter to me anymore.
"Advance, and be my shield."
I dodged and weaved away from the incoming bullets
"A True Knight." The doctor's voice ranged inside of my head
I wasn't a knight, monsters and machines shouldn't place themselves together with knights and soldiers.
A magic bullet pierced my helmet causing me to lose my hearing, I grabbed my helmet and thrown it off of me. The dizziness and disorientation was slowly making me lose my sight, little black dots began to cloud my vision as I tried to reset my equilibrium.
But not even a shred of pain, there were blood oozing out of my body in little streams as I lifted my gun and fired at the enemy mage charging straight at me.
Tanya hovered in front of me, screaming something but I couldn't hear.
"Run!" I yelled as I fired the gun ripping the man too shreds
I didn't care anymore...my helmet was gone and as I stared at the retreating force. But all I felt was nothing.
"Im so tired." I whispered
My gun didn't feel like it was separate from me anymore, it wasn't just metal and screws rathor it felt like a limb. A limb that was connected to me as my right arm...as long as I had it by my side there was at least a chance.
A mage knife caked in greenish mana went through my stomach, I headbutted the enemy soldier as my gun obliterated what remained of him. There was nothing...if I died...at least I could depart life with a smile on my face...knowing that I fought rathore than surrendering.
But I wasn't the one surrendering, it was them. They all began to make a mass flock back to where they came from. I felt a sick smile spread across my face...adrenalin was a funny feeling.
There was no pain, no worry, only stiff uncomfortableness as I flew above the ground. I survived, I was the victor. But there was no joy in that...I knew what I was trying to do...when a man has nothing left to lose, then the concept of death plays no role.
I began to softly descend as my eyes began to close, I didn't care anymore. As long as I fought I knew that there was a chance...though it was true that I did win...I was sure that I didn't want to fight anymore.
Maybe wherever I go. Heaven or reincarnation, I hoped that I would see Victorya again. A brief flash of her face made me grin. There was no shame in admitting defeat, so what was the point of keeping up this charade.
But I felt a weight around me suddenly, right before the winds could even cut me from falling through the air a strange weight pressed up on me pushing me back up towards the sky.
"You think you can just give up."
"No" I whimpered back
"You are my shield and one of my soldiers, it is my choice to decide when you see death." Tanya said
I nodded my head as I stared at her, her porcelain face and fine features were still perfect. Not a single cut or scratch damaged her from the aerial bombardment, she was truly something else.
Her light goldon hair tickled my cut forehead as she placed her arms around me to keep me steady.
"Im...so tired." I whispered
"Then sleep, when you wake up you will be in the medical bay." she answered as her face was directed right towards the compound
In an instant I was sound asleep as I felt my head slump, the last thing I saw was the rows of trenches and artillery that were spread out like anthills.
Night
"Shouldn't you be resting." Tanya asked me, I had no idea where she was or what she was doing.
"Im fine, the Doctor gave me morphine."
"Your covered in bandages, the medic even told me how you broke two ribs." Tanya ranted
"Im fine, I don't feel anything." I repeated
It was true I didn't feel anything, this strong drug that the doctor gave me made me feel light and painless. Truly a miracle after all the cuts, bruisis, and broken bones I received.
"That's what morphine does to you, at least for a while. You don't want to get hooked on it."
"Why? The way the medic was talking about it seemed that this medical drug could get people ready anytime."
"It just came out, scientists hardly know the long time effects." The way she looked when she told me about the morphine made me feel a strange sense of worry. Maybe she knew something about the design of it, or maybe future results had not been disclosed.
"Yeah I guess...how do you know." I asked
Her face changed when I said those words, it changed in front of me like I casted a rock into a river and it began to dramatically change. Tanya's face contorted from a fourteen year old girl too something old and wise, like she was trying to tell me something without telling me.
"Fine...is it addictive or something?"
"Yeah, Victorya wouldn't want you to get hooked on that"
My face scrunched up when I heard her name come out of her mouth, she didn't deserve to utter her name. Victorya was afraid of her, or rathore terrified.
"How do you know what she wants." I said defensivly
"We might not have been close, but she was my comrade and a good soldier. I know what she meant to you, so don't get hooked on it like all the other stuff."
"What other stuff." I said trying to cover the hidden bottle
"Frank I could see the bottle hidden under your shirt." she pointed at the bottle with her index finger
"It keeps my mind off of her...it might not be healthy, but it works." I said trying to condone me decisions. I knew it was bad, but I didn't want to talk about it with Tanya.
"Blowing through a whole pack and a bottle in a span of a week, I won't be shocked if you suffer from some disease when your older."
"When im older...I have rarely ever thought of what I was going to be like past twenty. I guess I finally came to terms with dying in the Rhine." I hummed
"Frank...you're too young for all this stuff. You have to think about life after the war." Tanya interjected, her yellow cowlick bounced strangely
"Gee thanks mom, don't tell me how im too young. Don't forget im older than you."I grumbled
Her face scrunched up, I didn't know why. I knew how her age, acting like a girl, and her height were triggers to make her mad but the way she looked was odd.
Well her behavior all together was odd, she wasn't even sixteen and she was leading an elite battalion. We were all too young to fight other people's wars.
"By one year...Frank you have to figure out what you are planning to do."
"Okay." I said trying to end the conversation
"I'm being serious, I don't want to have a soldier that can't think for himself."
"Really, you seem so happy to have me as your personal shield. Don't feel bad, I don't care if I live or die."
"That's not okay! You have to find your own reason for living, ethor by defying or defeating the ones that oppose you. To keep on moving so you can have the easiest life that you can have, no matter what you must do, you have to find your reason." she concluded
She grabbed me by my collar and said those words, she told them to me but they felt like they were more words of self encouragement to her. Maybe she needed to rationalize what she had been doing, maybe she didn't even realize it before she opened her mouth.
"Who are you to tell me what I can or can't live for! Have you ever lost someone...I lost one of the only people I ever loved in this world...she was ripped from my hands the moment I held her. So please tell me Tanya how I am supposed to get rid of that." I said
"You have to find a way." she whispered softly
"Have you ever lost someone...I loved her Tanya."
"No, I never truly had a relationship the way you and Victorya had."
"Then how can you ever understand...your nearly incapable of feeling these emotions that I feel Tanya. So don't tell me to move on when you can hardly understand what is going on in my heart everytime I remember her." I didn't understand what I was doing, I was so angry but all Tanya was trying to do was give me advice.
We both sat down next to each other as the lights of the camp ensnared us, it was a truly beautiful sight. I should of have taken Victorya too this hill, maybe even have a picnic here. This is where I should have given her the ring, I should of have properly proposed to her.
But she was still happy, she was still madly in love with me. She was so special and understanding that all I wanted to do was just bring her closer to me and protect her.
Though now I failed to protect her and I was incapable to do both things, I deserved death. There was no meaning, there was nothing for me to gain and nothing for me to hold onto as I ventured down this long winding road.
I lightly chuckled
"What is it?" she asked
"It is really nice up here."
"I guess...I don't really have much time for sightseeing. Filling in reports and studying mostly occupies me." Tanya yawned, she wasn't your average girl, she had this whole aura of maturity that was very strange.
"Why do you do it?"
"For an easy life." she said it was the easiest thing in the whole world
"It doesn't sound that easy." I objected
"How else are people like me and you going to move up in the world."
"It's just...all this suffering, work, and bloodspill is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. I wouldn't think of it as easy."
"You don't support the Fatherland?" she asked
"Do you?" I asked as I sent the question right back to her
I stared at her bright blue eyes, they displayed no emotion as I tried to find any tell if she was going to say anything else or comment.
"No...Im no Patriot. I only do it for the food and the crappy pay."
"Good to know. I don't really believe in the ideals of the Empire, so I guess you can say that I am also not a patriot."
"Wow...thee Tanya Von Degurchaff, knighted, silver wings, and the soldier princess of the Empire. Isn't a patriot." I said sarcastically
"Princess? God I hate dresses."
"You looked pretty in the one that I saw you wear that time." I objected
"Yeah...I guess."
"Are you okay now?" she added on
"Huh."
"I don't need a reckless soldier...I can use you as a shield but I still care for you. You were Victorya's husband, and sure we weren't friends but I can't just let you die."
I took a deep breath, I needed her to understand
"If your alone...if it's just your life, you can use it however you please. Wear yourself out, get cut to shreds, doesn't matter. But when it's two, things are different, fighting for another life is different from fighting when death isn't a concern. But that's gone, I don't care anymore."
"You should."
"I will be a good soldier, just don't act like how we are friends."
I tried to change the subject to something different. "You mentioned wanting an easy life right?"
"Yeah...what about it."
"Wouldn't living somewhere nicer be easier? Sure you wouldn't get the perks of living in the army but there would be differences."
"Like what?"
"Why don't you become a teacher, or a nurse, or even just become a mother." I didn't realize it but I was naming feminine jobs.
"I don't think I will be any good at those jobs." she said as she stared at her hands
"So when your married to your husband you're going to still be killing, coming home with your uniform on draped with metals rusted with blood."
"Shut up." she murmured angrily
"Why are you mad?" I asked, I was being rude. I knew what I was doing but a part of me didn't care anymore.
"I don't want those things, I'm not a girl." She murmured angrily
"Okay I get it, you don't like girly things. But don't act like your something your not."
"Fine...just lets change the subject." She hesitated as she stared towards the camp
"Okay." I said in defeat as the lights of the camp slowly began to consume the night sky