And when it breaks down, I beg you don't go
I circle your ship, I'm ready to blow
I try to outflank you with an army of words
I strategize – I am fighting for the love of my life

-Indigo Girls

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Part 22: Sitzprobe

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There was an ongoing joke among Sayuri's friends that her current stress level was inversely proportional to the height of her ponytail. Like many such localized campus legends, there was a kernel of truth to it: the less stressed Sayuri was feeling, the more time she tended to spend on her appearance, including her hair. On busier days, she tended to opt for a quick tie-back.

It thus came as no surprise to Chikaru that when Sayuri showed up to the latest directorial meeting, she was about five centimeters south of her normal high-crested topknot, with her face seemingly incapable of even the ghost of a smile. Ayame, by comparison, seemed to be holding it together far better than her longtime roommate, but was still a far cry from her normal sunny self.

Not that there had been a lot to smile about for the past week, of course.

Normally, during any student council meeting for St. Lulim, the three of them would share a single silent cup of tea before getting down to business, and for the most part the directorial staff meetings for Pirates had followed this same model. Today, though, they were each on their third cup before Chikaru realized that she was going to have to take the lead and get things moving. Normally this came so naturally to her, but now..?

"You two look like you have some stories to tell me," she ventured.

"How are the costumes coming along?" Ayame asked.

Chikaru blinked at the short-haired girl, curious to know why she was turning it back around like this. "Quite well, actually. Everyone should have enough to rehearse in within the next couple of days, and I can continue doing detail work on my overnights. Why do you ask?"

Ayame nodded. "I... just think it would be good for everyone if you could start coming to the rehearsals as soon as you can, rather than toward the end, like we originally planned. I know it would do me a lot of good to have another set of eyes watching, and offering suggestions. It's like... I know what I want some of the staging to look like, but I'm not sure if they're actually hitting the marks, or if I'm seeing them as doing so because I know what I'm expecting to see. Does that make sense?"

"Sort of like proof-reading your own essays?" Chikaru offered. "You know what you wanted to say, so you read that instead of what you did say?"

"Exactly that."

"Well, if you can handle having me find a spot in the audience and watching while I hand-sew, I suppose that would work."

Ayame bowed her head slightly. "I'd certainly appreciate it."

"Very well. How about the musical end of things, Sayuri? You look troubled."

"We need microphones," Sayuri said without preamble.

"You're sure, then?" Chikaru sighed.

"Almost completely certain. Last night we had our first rehearsal in the concert hall itself, and I asked Ayame to check sound levels from a few spots in the audience as I went through some of the numbers with them."

"I take it it didn't go well?"

Ayame shook her head slightly. "Sayuri-chan, it wasn't that bad..."

"And we can thank the architects for that," Sayuri nodded. "That place has great acoustics. But could you make out any words? Could you hear the soloists over the chorus?"

"Well, most of the time," Ayame nodded. "But then again, I also know what they're supposed to be saying, like we were just talking about."

Sayuri slowly massaged her forehead with one hand. "I think it's only going to get worse once we have an orchestra there in the pit. Speaking of which, I just found out that Amane-sama and Hikari-sama won't be at the sitzprobe due to Étoile commitments."

"What?" said Chikaru. "I thought they were cleared of..."

"I thought they were, too," Sayuri frowned, then made an apologetic grimace as she realized she had just interrupted. "The Sister wouldn't tell me what it was about, though, so... we're stuck with the hand we're dealt. Again."

Chikaru nodded slowly. This was certainly bad news: the sitzprobe was the first chance the cast would have to work with the orchestra before they went into the final tech and dress rehearsals. To be missing their lead soprano would be bad enough, but for Amane to lose rehearsal time was not going to make things easier for any of them, particularly the beleaguered Étoile.

"Thank you for your candor, Sayuri," Chikaru said at length, "and I thank both of you for your hard work. I know the hall has the capability for floor and boom microphones, and I'll consult with the Dramatic Arts sensei to see if we can borrow body-mikes, in case we need them. Meanwhile, though, let's hold any decisions until the sitzprobe, when we hear how they sound with the orchestra.

"Understood," Sayuri nodded, though she did not look any less concerned.

"You're off your game, Azuma-san."

Hazuki did not pause at these words, but instead continued to warily circle her teacher, shinai held at the ready. "Are you sure you're not just saying that to try to pull me off my game, sensei?"

"No, you don't really seem like you need my help with that," Kojima-sensei said conversationally, before aiming a high thrust which Hazuki parried to one side. "You were late on that one."

"Got the job done, didn't I?" Hazuki replied, determined not to rise to the bait.

"True, but not with your customary indifference. You look like I'm actually making you work for a change, and as much as I'd like to pat myself on the back for that, I'm too old and bitter to think that this has anything to do with me."

"You..." Hazuki began, but quickly broke off. She knew, intellectually, that Kojima-sensei's own formidable skills had been improving now that she had the opportunity to spar regularly with someone closer to her own level, but she also knew that it was not her place to say such a thing to her sensei.

"Maybe you found another setting on that dial after all?" the sensei went on, feinting a couple of attacks before taking a swing at the wrists, again dodged. "No, excuse me, it was a switch wasn't it? You never told me, Azuma-san, what are those two settings of yours?"

"Teach... and kill," Hazuki said in a low voice.

Kojima-sensei stifled a chuckle. "I see. You know, I've said something like this before, but coming from anyone else that would have sounded like puffed-up emo warrior bullsh*t. From you I can actually believe it, shugenja. Except right now, of course."

"What exactly do you want to see from me, sensei?"

"For starters, maybe you could make up with your girlfriends already."

For just an instant, Hazuki's mind blanked, but that was all it took for Kojima-sensei to come in with another blow to the wrists that sent Hazuki's own weapon spinning away to land out of reach on the padded floor. A wave of cold fury swept through her as she looked up the length of her teacher's blade.

"You. Are off. Your game."

Hazuki said nothing in reply: just stared frigidly at her teacher, biting her lip to keep herself from speaking.

"You can say it," Kojima-sensei nodded.

"That was cheap, sensei," Hazuki growled.

"Yes, it certainly was," the sensei agreed, lowering her blade. "But I also hope I've made my point. You may be some kind of Zen-mystic goddess-in-training, but you're also a sixteen-year-old girl letting her relationship troubles take her off her game, and I'm not just talking about your sparring."

Hazuki nearly said something about how her journey had left her older than her chronological age, but now was not the time to get into that with someone who still did not know her full story. "I'm not having 'relationship troubles,'" she said instead.

"Humor me, Azuma-san," the sensei sighed, taking off her helmet and indicating that her student should do the same. From there they left the center of the otherwise-empty sparring room and sat down at one of the walls, where they had left their gear and water. "I know it's been centuries since I was a teenager, but give me a little credit for having been there. Do you really think that no one noticed when Minamoto-san didn't show up to the last naginata practice?"

"She's busy with the opera."

"Of course she is. She's always been one of the busiest people on campus, opera or no opera. And yet she always made time for your practices. Now, quite suddenly and quite visibly, that's changed. Never mind the way you, she, and Suzumi-san have been wandering the grounds with your own private rainclouds over your heads, and it seems like all the students in the academies – not to mention some of the teachers – are on tenterhooks waiting for something to happen."

"You're exaggerating," Hazuki said, shifting uncomfortably.

"This is your first year here, Azuma-san. You've yet to learn just how much this place feeds on romantic drama. Now, I'm just your kendō instructor, and I've got boundaries to keep... but I'm also a bitter, aging lesbian who doesn't want to see someone else repeat some of her more spectacular mistakes."

Hazuki turned to stare at her teacher again, but this time her eyes were wide with shock. "Sensei?"

"Good grief, Azuma-san, don't tell me you hadn't figured that out yet..." Kojima-sensei sighed, rolling her eyes.

"Um... no, I... kind of thought you might be, but..." She broke off, then took a breath before continuing. "I guess I'm just surprised that you're telling me, that's all. I mean..."

"Yes, yes, I'm doing a crappy job keeping those boundaries I was just talking about, I know." The sensei paused a moment and looked out across the room, but her eyes were seemingly focused on something far more distant. "Watching you right now is just... bringing back a few things I've never quite managed to keep buried, and... I don't want to see anyone go through that, prize pupil or not."

There was a long pause, during which Hazuki tried to find something to say that would be even remotely appropriate. Her instructor had let her guard down, but this was no longer a spar, and in spite of the many questions rushing through her head, Hazuki thought it best not to press. "You're right, sensei," she settled on at last. "Things are... awkward right now, but... I really do think that it will all work out."

"And..?" Kojima-sensei prompted her.

"And I'll do my best to make sure it does."

"Good girl," the older woman nodded, giving that rare, tiny hint of a smile that Hazuki had only seen a handful of times. "See that you do. Less drama makes things easier on your poor, beleaguered teachers."

"I'll keep that in mind."

Another silence followed, during which Kojima-sensei's almost-smile faded into a look bordering on consternation. "Now, all of this being said, as long as I'm trampling all over the sacred boundaries that exist between teacher and student, there was something I wanted to ask you which might be construed as highly inappropriate, so you can stop me at any time. Or even now, if you'd rather."

Hazuki blinked. "Um... okay? Go ahead?"

Kojima-sensei clenched her jaw, obviously biting back on her words before finally letting them fly. "Your friend, Fengxian-san."

Again, Hazuki blinked. "Ren? What about her?"

"So... is she into women or not?"

"Thank you for having me here, Ren-san," Chikaru said quietly as Ryofu poured tea for the two of them.

"You said you wanted to speak to me," said Ryofu, kneeling opposite her and taking her teacup in both hands.

Chikaru nodded, but delayed by looking around the main room of Ryofu's cottage. It still did not appear particularly lived-in, and Chikaru had to wonder how much time Ryofu actually spent here other than to sleep and eat. The image of her lounging on a couch watching television or reading a good book seemed completely foreign to the Ryofu that she had come to know.

The silence lingered, and Chikaru remembered that it was her turn to speak. "We haven't had many chances to talk, just the two of us, have we?"

"Mm," Ryofu agreed.

"And we certainly haven't had much of an opportunity to speak since that night. I'm so sorry for the trouble I caused you."

"There were members of the board who wanted me dismissed from the school," Ryofu said bluntly, "but the Étoile told them I was good with the horses, so they just shouted at me and took some of my pay. I don't think I get to make any more mistakes."

Chikaru winced, but at the same time found herself grateful for Amane's intervention. "Is it a problem that I'm here, then? I don't want to get you into any more trouble."

"I asked if I can have visitors before curfew, and that's still allowed."

"That's good," Chikaru nodded. "But... I also wanted to apologize more specifically for... the accident that night. You looked like it really affected you, and I was worried. Hazuki-chan told me you were okay, but..."

Ryofu got a distant look in her eyes. "After Chinkyuu died," she said slowly, "when I returned to my world after fighting the dead things with you, I... stopped feeling the passage of time in the usual way. I spent most of my time taking care of my trees, along with any animals who came to live near me. Sometimes I barely noticed the changing seasons. Trees grow up slowly, and I think my life slowed down with them."

Here, Ryofu paused, but Chikaru did not dare speak, and risk interrupting her story.

After taking a slow sip of her tea, Ryofu went on. "When our spirits got mixed up, for just a moment I felt like I could see all of your lives, like I was looking through your eyes, and... your lives were all so short compared to mine. Hazuki says that I'm more than a thousand years old now, but that was the first time I really felt the length of those years, as they compared with yours. The weight of all those days was... crushing me."

"I'm so sorry, Ren-san," Chikaru whispered.

"No," Ryofu said, shaking her head. "It's better that I know how long it's been. It helps me remember Chinkyuu better."

There was almost a faint smile as Ryofu said this, and Chikaru asked the next question without really thinking it through. "Ren-san... what was Chinkyuu to you?"

"My companion," said Ryofu. "She... loved me."

"Did... you love her?"

Ryofu closed her eyes. "Differently," she said at last. "But she stayed with me anyway."

They were veering into extremely personal territory now, but there was more that Chikaru wanted to know. "Ren-san, would it be all right with you if I asked your opinion on some rather personal matters? I have the feeling that you have a perspective that I do not, and your thoughts would be of great value to me."

"Our spirits have touched," said Ryofu. "I have nothing to hide from you. Ask."

Chikaru nodded, then pondered where to start. "Ren-san... do you experience sexual desire?"

"I sought out intercourse once," Ryofu said, furrowing her brow in thought. "I thought perhaps Chinkyuu wanted to raise a child with me, so I gave my services in battle to Ryuubi Gentoku in exchange for a night with her husband, and asked him to impregnate me." Her expression darkened. "He had a very large penis. It was an unpleasant experience, and I did not conceive."

"I... see," said Chikaru, quickly realizing that Ryofu's personal boundaries were going to be a moving target. "But other than that... occasion, have you ever felt drawn to the idea of having sex with someone?"

"Not after Chinkyuu told me she didn't want a child after all."

"But... even for pleasure, and not procreation?"

The look Ryofu gave her made Chikaru realize that the idea of sex for pleasure had never even occurred to Ryofu, and further, she realized that she and Ryofu might have far more in common than she had known, even if they were approaching from different directions.

"Well, may I ask another question, then?"

"Yes."

Chikaru chewed on her lower lip for a moment before she spoke. "What do you think about two women having sex?"

"That wouldn't be natural," said Ryofu.

The flat denial shocked Chikaru. Surely Ryofu couldn't be homophobic?

"Unless one of them has a penis," Ryofu then continued. "I once knew a woman who had a penis, but she was not interested in having intercourse with other women."

"She..." Chikaru managed, trying to reconcile the homophobic statement with Ryofu's apparent blasé acceptance of a transsexual woman. "Wait, wait," she said, trying to rein things in. "When you say it wouldn't be natural, do you specifically mean that two women can't produce children together?"

Ryofu nodded.

"Well... discounting the child-bearing part, then, what do you think about two women being... intimate?"

Ryofu cocked her head to one side, looking distantly puzzled.

"You know," Chikaru said, even though perhaps she didn't, "two women kissing, or touching each other intimately, or being in love with each other and wanting to give each other physical pleasure."

The light dawned, and Ryofu nodded quickly. "Oh! You don't mean intercourse. You mean affection."

"Um, well, yes? But that doesn't seem like the proper..?"

"I think women should be affectionate if they want to be," Ryofu went on nodding. "Many women in my time preferred to be affectionate with other women instead of men. Sousou was famous for taking only women to her bed. Kan'u and Chou'un were..."

"But... you call it affection?" Chikaru interrupted. "In this time, that word is more along the lines of hugging, or holding hands, or even the way you rub your face against Hazuki-chan's. Not the kind of touching that... that..."

"Makes your body prepare for intercourse?" Ryofu supplied.

"Yes, that. Or the kind of touching that gives you... a climax."

Ryofu cocked her head again, this time to the other side. "You call that sex in this time? So sex doesn't mean intercourse?"

"Well, no, it means that too, but... I guess that sex means more to us than just intercourse now, especially when it's two women, or I suppose two men."

"Hmm," said Ryofu, visibly pondering this.

Chikaru took a deep breath and tried to steer things back toward her original point. "So... now that we have our terminology straight... have you ever felt the desire for what we call sex, and what you call affection?"

Ryofu thought about this for far longer than Chikaru would have expected, and eventually shook her head. "Not for myself."

"You're asexual," Chikaru said quietly. Just like me.

"Hmm," Ryofu said again.

Something from earlier in the conversation clicked. "So when you said that you loved Chinkyuu differently, was that what you meant?"

"Chinkyuu was interested in affection with me," Ryofu nodded slowly. "Once she was mature enough, anyway."

"Was... was that ever a problem for the two of you? That she desired it and you didn't?"

"Hmm," Ryofu pondered. "Sometimes. I think she was frustrated because she couldn't make my body do the things that hers did."

Once again, Chikaru felt like she was potentially stepping on a personal boundary landmine. "Wait... did you have... I mean, were you affectionate with her?"

"When she asked me to be."

"Even when you didn't feel the same desire?"

"It made her happy," Ryofu said simply. "Once I learned how, that is. She sometimes felt guilty about asking because I didn't need for her to return it, so she asked less and less as we got older."

"Is... that so?"

Ryofu's expression darkened again, taking on a hint of sadness. "Since I didn't want it, I thought that maybe she didn't want it any more either, so I didn't think about it much, but after she died I wondered if maybe she had just been hiding it so she didn't feel like she was using me."

"I'm... sorry, Ren-san. I didn't mean to make you think of sad memories."

"I'm okay," Ryofu whispered, her words at odds with her expression. "I loved Chinkyuu very much. I just wish now that I had told her that it was always okay to ask."

Chikaru reached across the table and laid her hand over Ryofu's. The ancient general flinched for a moment at the contact of their Souma, but then she let it flow reassuringly between them once again.

Given recent events, it took some time for Kaname and Hazuki to get back to their regular workouts, and once they did so there were a few extra unspoken rules in place. First, there was a concerted effort on both sides to dial back the intensity and work mostly on technique. Second, they added extra padding to their practice weapons. Third, they worked in private rather than in front of a potential audience: a detail which made Kaname wonder yet again how Hazuki could trust her that much.

Fourth, neither of them was to speak of The Kiss. Ever.

Okay, maybe the fourth one was more Kaname than Hazuki, as the younger girl had given every indication that she had either forgotten about it, or had other things on her mind. That, of course, did not ease the dull guilt Kaname was feeling for having once again extended her streak of taking advantage of people, but she would be damned if she brought it up first.

Or maybe Hazuki was just sitting on it, waiting for the opportunity to trot it back out for maximum guilt potential? Surely she hadn't just forgotten? After their initial months of hostility, after a f*ck-you kiss, after a goddamn broken neck, it wasn't like Hazuki was lacking in ammunition...

Once they were back to their lockers after today's spar, Kaname undressed slowly, trying not to think too much about it. First the laborious process of getting out of her gear, then shrugging out of her shirt and stripping off her sport bra, then sitting at the bench to work on getting her shoes off.

It was at this point that she glanced sideways and saw something wholly unexpected: Hazuki was already completely undressed, and was reaching into her locker for a clean towel. What was unusual about it, though, was that Hazuki was not making her normal effort to face away from Kaname as she did so. While it was not exactly full-frontal, it was maybe... three quarters? Was she that distracted? Or was she really being that trusting?

"What?" Hazuki said suddenly.

Kaname realized that she had been staring, so she said the first thing that came to mind. "So, hey... you said you've got nice abs. Where are they, then?"

"Where are my... what?" Hazuki frowned.

"You know, your abs. You work out like a beast: you should be shredded."

Hazuki glanced down at herself, then turned her frown back on Kaname. "You sure you were looking for my abs?"

"Sure," Kaname smirked. "They should be right there under those delectable t*ts you've got."

Hazuki flushed more quickly and deeply than Kaname thought possible, then turned away, bringing the towel up to cover herself. "Delectable?" she growled, but there was a distinct tremor in it. "That's what you're going to go with? Delectable?"

For a moment, Kaname almost continued the teasing, but then she felt her heart sink as she realized that she might have once again damaged the trust that she wasn't sure she deserved in the first place.

Instead, she took a deep breath, then continued undressing. "Okay, listen up, 'cause I want to be really clear with you about this. You've got a great body, okay? That being said, I have no desire to have sex with you, seriously. I'm not trying to hit on you."

"Well, I guess that's a relief," Hazuki said in a sour tone.

"You know, this is when you're supposed to get all offended and wonder why I'm not interested in you."

"I'll skip that part, thanks."

Kaname realized that this was not something she was going to be able to fix with humor alone. "Look... I'm sorry, okay? I was just bantering, I promise. Plus, I really was wondering about your abs."

After a pause, Hazuki wrapped her towel around her waist, covered her breasts with one arm, then turned back to Kaname and flexed the muscles in her abdomen.

"Oh, there they are!"

"Satisfied?"

"That'll do, sure. But seriously, with the way you work out, I'm surprised you've got anything but muscle down there."

"Self-perception," Hazuki said as she turned and headed for the showers. "Maybe I don't want to look like you could do laundry on my torso."

Kaname grabbed a towel of her own and followed the other girl. "I guess I always considered the muscle definition to be a reward for all the hard work."

"Hmm," Hazuki grunted, hanging up her towel outside her chosen shower stall, then turning on the water and stepping into the spray. Kaname took the next stall over, and a few long moments passed while she let the hot water sink in.

She then glanced across the partition between them to see that Hazuki's expression remained stormy. "Still pissed at me?"

"Delectable?" Hazuki scowled again. "Who the hell says delectable?"

"Would you have preferred something else?"

"I would have preferred my sparring partner to not say anything about my breasts, thanks."

The term "sparring partner" stung a little bit, but Kaname figured she probably deserved it. "Well, if it makes you feel better, I'm not even that much of a boob girl. Not as much as Momomi thinks I am, anyway."

"Oh, really?"

"Mm hmm," Kaname replied as she stuck her head under the spray. "Don't get me wrong, she's got a really nice pair."

"Yeah, they're not bad," Hazuki agreed.

Kaname was about to say something about how nobody liked them more than Momomi herself, but then it hit her what Hazuki had just said. "Wait, what?"

"I... said they're not bad," Hazuki repeated, looking a bit defensive.

"When did..?" Kaname said, blinking the water from her eyes. "What, did you get a look after naginata practice or something?"

"Wait... you didn't know?" Hazuki asked, turning surprised eyes toward Kaname. "It was back when I was first at this school, right here in this locker room. She came in and tried to put the moves on me. I... guess I assumed that you put her up to it."

"No, no, I knew about how she was going to do her little bee act on you, just to try to see how serious you and Chikaru were, but... I didn't know she brought the girls out!"

Hazuki's expression was a weird mix of embarrassed and a little amused. "Well, I wasn't exactly cooperating with her, so she stepped up to me while I was sitting on the bench, opened her coat, and bwonng, suddenly my whole field of vision was boobs."

"Damn," said Kaname, more than a little surprised that Momomi had gone that far. She then thought back to how angry her girlfriend had looked upon her return to the Spica Student Council office. "Obviously you didn't bite? I mean, metaphorically?"

"Not literally either," Hazuki snorted. "Actually, being the terrible lesbian that I am, I realized that this was the first time I'd ever been that close to another girl's bare breasts, and for some reason, having it happen that way just struck me as really funny, so I... kind of started laughing. Um, kind of hysterically, really."

"Laughed at the Kiyashiki Twins? Damn, I feel bad for her now."

"Well, I think she got over it. She's been friendly enough with me lately. Are you mad?"

"Mad? At her being friendly with you?"

"No, are you mad I saw your girlfriend's boobs?"

Kaname actually had to think about this for a moment, because no, she did not feel even a hint of anger. Discomfort, maybe, as she thought about the possible reasons why Momomi had tried to take it as far as she had, but she wasn't really in a position to find any fault with anything Momomi might have done during that rocky period of their relationship.

Instead of answering the question, then, Kaname took things in a different direction. "We took a weird road getting here, didn't we?"

Hazuki looked confused at the turn of the conversation, then her expression became more thoughtful. "Where exactly is here, though?"

"Well, in a purely literal sense, we're standing naked within two meters of one another, albeit with a shower wall in the way. But... how is it that we got to the point that we can do this, in spite of... everything?" She wanted to say "everything I did," but those words would not come.

"I'm not sure I can answer that," said Hazuki. "Though,... as long as we're asking uncomfortable questions about everything, why exactly did you kiss me?"

"Because I was pissed off," Kaname replied without hesitation. "For me, sex and anger are a little too closely associated for my own good, and... it felt more... appropriate than just hitting you."

"You know by now that was happened was an accident, I hope." Hazuki was still speaking quietly enough that no one else could possibly hear them over the running water, and Kaname was grateful for that, even though she was more than certain that the two of them were alone.

"Yeah, I get that, but... I wasn't really thinking clearly. I was angry, I was all kinds of turned on, I felt taken advantage of, I felt bad for feeling taken advantage of considering how many times I've been on the other side of that myself, but most of all I guess I realized that you guys had something that Momomi and I will never be able to have, and I was f*cking pissed at that."

"So you had to get the upper hand back," Hazuki nodded. She said it factually, without a hint of accusation in her tone.

"Probably," Kaname said, giving a short sigh. "Don't worry, though. I meant what I said earlier. I don't want that from you."

"Well, good," Hazuki replied, looking away. "Because even though I'm still not quite sure how we got here, I'm... pretty satisfied with what we do have."

"Hazuki?"

"Hmm?"

"That was incredibly cheesy."

"Don't care."

It was difficult to knock on Chikaru's door, given her burden, but Tamao managed.

A few moments later, the door opened, and Chikaru's eyes widened as she took in the sight of Tamao, arms filled with stacks of folders, books and papers. "Tamao-chan?" she asked.

"Chikaru, may I come in?"

There was a tiny pause, then Chikaru opened the door more widely and allowed Tamao to step into her room. The Miatoran girl made her way inside, then unceremoniously dumped her armful on the side of Chikaru's bed before turning around to face her semi-estranged friend.

For her part, Chikaru looked from Tamao, to the messy pile of paper, then back again. "I could be wrong, Tamao-chan, but I sense you have something to say to me."

"I do," Tamao nodded, closing her eyes against that searching gaze. "And I know that you asked us to give you space until the end of the show, and I'm sorry for intruding on that, but I can't let this fester any longer, I'm sorry."

"All right," Chikaru said, her tone reassuring.

"Hazuki-chan doesn't know that I'm here," Tamao went on. "I think she would have tried to talk me out of it."

"All right," Chikaru repeated. "You have my undivided attention, Tamao-chan."

Tamao took a series of breaths. She had rehearsed part of this, but once she started, the words just came out in a blurt. "One of the only good things about being alone for so long was that it gave me the chance to do a lot of reading, and more than that, it gave me a lot of practice researching things, what with all the spare time I had. So even now, when things are bothering me, or when things don't make sense, I need to read about them to try to understand them better."

"I see," said Chikaru, but her voice showed hints of warmth and even humor. "What did you research?"

At this point, Tamao finally opened her eyes and looked at Chikaru. For just a moment, she almost lost her train of thought as she stared into those familiar brown eyes, but then she wrenched herself back on task. She turned back to her pile of materials and removed a thick folder from the mess. "These," she said, "are essays and studies about human sexuality, specifically on a growing understanding that sexual attraction and romantic attraction are not the same thing. For all the talk about the Kinsey scale between asexual, heterosexual and homosexual, it can be argued that there is a similar scale for romantic attraction, going between aromantic, heteroromantic, homoromantic, and all the stages in between."

She passed the folder to Chikaru, who accepted it wordlessly, then went back for another, thicker one, along with a number of loose printouts. "This is information from an organization called AVEN, the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network. A lot of it's in English, I'm afraid, but I think I remember you being pretty good with English?"

"I can get by," Chikaru nodded.

"Good. Now, one of the most important things they try to get across is that asexuality is rare, but there's nothing wrong with it. You're not defective, and you're not broken. You're just the way you are. I've also printed out some testimonials from asexual people across the world sharing their stories and experiences. A lot of them are even married, and happily so." She took a breath and said the next bit in a hurry, not wanting to sound like she was dropping obvious hints. "Some of them even have sex with their partners, or do sexual things, even if it's not something they seek out for themselves. Asexuality can be anywhere between being repulsed by sex to just being indifferent toward it, so those who lean toward the indifferent side have been known to indulge their partners a little, like the way you flirt with us, or the way you told us that it would be okay for us to fondle you sometimes. They find ways to meet in the middle with one another's wants and needs, and they make it work, because what they do have is more important than what they don't have."

Rather than pass this stack to Chikaru, Tamao elected to return it to the pile, then indicated the books. "These books are about the concept of Boston Marriages, which involves women who live together without needing men, because their friendship and bond and romance is all they need. They had incredibly romantic partnerships that didn't have to be sexual to be real. Do you see? The separation of romance and sexuality isn't a new thing: it's been happening all along!"

Tamao took another centering breath and steeled herself for the finale. "Hazuki and I are in love with you, Chikaru," she said, raising one hand to her chest. "Now, I won't speak for her, even though I'm pretty sure I could, but I can say for myself that I would absolutely love to have sex with you, because I'm attracted to you, I love you, and I'm homosexual. I'm not going to deny that. But along with that, even more than that, I want to spend the rest of my life at your side, and I can't bear the idea of not having you in my life, because I'm also homoromantic, and deeply in love with you."

"Tamao-chan," Chikaru whispered.

"Hazuki told me once that you said you didn't consider romantic love and sex to be important to you," Tamao went on. "Now, you may very well be asexual, or you may be something else that's more difficult to label. That's fine. I understand that. You may never want us physically the way we want you. But there is no way that I'll ever believe that you don't feel romantic love for us. You've shown us that every day that we've been together. Now, can you look me in the eyes and tell me that you're not romantically in love with us?"

A few seconds passed, then Chikaru smiled and shook her head. For a moment Tamao felt as though her heart had stopped, but then Chikaru spoke, making it clear which part she was denying. "No, I can't say that. But does that get to be enough?"

"If we let it," Tamao whispered. She reached back to indicate all the stories she'd brought with her. "These people did. Why shouldn't we?"

Chikaru's smile widened. "You're adorable, Tamao-chan."

"Then adore me," Tamao blurted out. "Adore us both, and let us do the same for you."

Nothing was said for a while, then Chikaru closed her eyes. "The show will be over soon, my sweet."

"We'll be there."

From the beginning, the directorial team had agreed on the wisdom, or indeed the necessity, of having a traditional sitzprobe: a rehearsal where the cast, seated in several rows of chairs on the stage, would have their first chance to perform with the orchestra without worrying about staging or dialogue. There was always going to be something of a hurdle to get over when transitioning from piano accompaniment to full orchestration, so giving them the chance to focus solely on the music for a single rehearsal was vital.

It was also, Chikaru pondered from her seat in the very back of the performance hall, the point where her role as an active participant in the process was coming to an end. Up until tonight, she had conducted the rehearsals for Lulim's orchestra, but now the baton was back in the infinitely capable hands of Ōhara-sensei. Costuming was largely finished, other than some final detail work that would keep her busy for the next several nights. Ayame would be managing the final tech-week rehearsals, and Sayuri would be doing last-minute cram work with some of the soloists.

All of this left Chikaru more or less in the role this seat provided: that of an observer, watching and listening, offering what feedback she could. It was too late in the process for any more than that, and it was difficult to not feel a little helpless as she listened to the soloists and chorus struggle to regain their footing with the change in accompaniment.

Her eyes found the two empty seats in the front row, where the Étoile should have been sitting. Their absence hurt for several reasons, but Sayuri was doing her best to fill in for them where she could, for the sake of keeping up some level of continuity.

After several songs, and about four times as many starts and stops, Ayame took the seat next to Chikaru. The Lulim secretary had spent the rehearsal thus far wandering the audience area, taking it in from several angles. "So what do you think?" she asked quietly.

Chikaru glanced down at the tablet of paper in her lap, briefly reviewing the notes she had been taking. "You've been more directly involved than I have, my dear. What do you think?"

"I think it's a mess," Ayame said bluntly, "though I'd never want to say so to Sayuri-chan, with the way she's already stressing out over it. Either we're going to need those microphones, or the orchestra's going to have to go down one or two dynamic levels across the board. Otherwise, we're never going to hear the soloists."

"And the staging?"

"We did our first run-through with costumes yesterday while you were with the orchestra, and just the addition of that was enough to make everyone forget their blocking. I know there's bound to be a learning curve, but this time it was more like a flatline."

"What do you think of our chances, then?"

Ayame let out a long sigh. "I know we have a week left, but... I just don't see how we're going to pull this off without a miracle."

"I see," Chikaru nodded slowly. "Well, then, I suppose it's a good thing we're in a theatre, where miracles are stock in trade."

"With all due respect," said Ayame, "after last year, you of all people should know how spectacularly wrong things can go on stage."

Chikaru had no words to counter this, so she said nothing.

Next: (P)reparations