Sorry for the long wait. Warning for...most of this chapter. We'll be talking in depth about torture. Nothing too graphic, I don't think, but the second half is where things get really intense. Enjoy.
"Let's take a break," Sam said before Loki could say anything else.
Loki glanced over with a confused frown. "I'm all right. I don't need...I can keep going. I want to."
Sam shook his head. "We should take a breather. Trust me."'
Loki sat back in his chair. There was still a confused pinch in his eyebrows, but he didn't say anything else. That alone was a sign that he needed the break.
Sam patted his shoulder, then stuck his head out into the hallway.
"Can we get a glass of water in here?" He called, stepping out. Glancing over his shoulder, he waved for the others to follow. Tony did so immediately, with Steve and Natasha close behind. Quill's team, however, looked determined to stay rooted.
Sam marched back over. They exchanged a few harsh whispers, but Quill finally turned on his heels and stomped out, followed by the other three males of his team. Nebula stayed propped against the wall, cooly meeting Sam's stink eye. They silently stared at one another, then the blue woman dismissed him, pointedly looking out at the Wakandan landscape.
Sam debated it, looking over at Loki. He'd been tense every time Nebula drew his attention, and Sam didn't like the implications of that. Especially now that they were coming to the core of his trauma. However, with Thor and Hela still by his side, Loki didn't seem bothered by her now. And the blue alien wasn't someone Sam could bully as he easily as he had the Guardians. Sam would have liked to remove her for Loki's continued comfort, but for now, he decided to drop it.
"How's he doing?" Steve asked when he stepped out.
"Too early to tell just yet." Sam leaned back, thinking it over. "He's shaky. Reliving all this is wearing on him. It's left him pretty fragile. Not a good thing for someone who's suffered a recent psychotic break." He sighed, rubbing his forehead. "I really don't like the idea of pushing him further, but we haven't even gotten to what he really wanted to deal with. And I think he's going to insist on pushing."
"Do you think he's at risk for another violent episode?" Natasha asked, glancing back into the room.
"I don't know," Sam slowly admitted. "Maybe. I'm not exactly an expert, and I can't even begin to guess what the difference between human and Asgardian — or, Jotun — psychology might be, but...maybe."
"Does that matter?" Drax suddenly said. He stared at the doorway with a dark frown, arms crossed. "This break in his mind? Why should it matter? His madness does not shield him from being evil. Those who are mad commit the worst acts of evil. That's why we must fight so hard against them."
The other Guardians shifted their feet, watching their friend with strained expressions. Mantis placed a gentle hand on his bicep, big eyes shining with sympathy. Sam eased back a little. There was more going on here than suspicion being directed at a group of outsiders. There was real hurt.
"We could go around in circles arguing about how responsible he really was for Jotunhiem," Tony jumped in. "That's a deep psychological discussion that I don't think anyone here is really qualified to argue about. But it obviously screwed him up, bad. And if his mind was already scrambled when Thanos got a hold of him, half the work for the invasion was already done."
Tony paused, glanced around. "I don't know about anyone esle here, but I think torture makes New York offically not his fault. And since that's what most of us are really mad at him for," he trailed off with a shrug.
"We sure that's what happened?" Rocket said. He still sounded gruff and snide — Tony was thinking that was just how he talked most of the time — but the wheels were clearly starting to turn.
Tony sent him a level look. "I'm sure."
"So am I," Sam added.
"We've all seen signs like this. I think you guys have, too," Steve said with a pointed look.
"Yeah," Quill admitted with a sigh. "Guess we have. It's just; we don't know him, or any you guys. And today's been…" He slumped with a weary sigh. Exhaustion settled over the group like a heavy blanket.
"It's been a long day for everyone," Steve agreed. Several tired laughs sounded. "Sam, what's our next step?"
"Obviously Loki wants to face this head on." Sam glanced over as a guard came back with the requested glass of water, and an accompanying pitcher. "I want to talk to him about it a little before we dive back in. Ideally, I'd like to break for the day; things like this need a delicate touch. Give us a sec." He took the glass and slipped back into the room.
Loki was still a little dazed, but his eyes were clear when Sam pushed the glass at him. He mumbled a quiet 'thank you' and hesitantly sipped at the water.
"Loki, everyone's gone," Sam said. "If you want, I can make them stay out. We don't have to keep going if you don't want to."
"It's all right."
"We can stop for the day. Give you a break, and pick this up later."
"There is no later," Loki mumbled around the glass.
Thor snapped to attention. "What do you mean?"
Loki looked over at his brother, something horribly sad in his gaze. He glanced at Hela, and they shared a long, meaningful look. Loki broke eye contact first, looking back at the water in his lap without a word. Thor looked desperately between the two, expression morphing to desperate anger.
"Loki," he snapped, shoving Sam out of the way so he could face his brother head on. "Loki, what do you mean?!" His voice cracked with a hint of hysteria and he reached for the other man's shoulders.
"Hey," Sam said gently, nudging Thor away. "Hey, buddy, let's take it down a notch. He needs a break, remember?" The blonde kept his heavy gaze on his brother for a moment, but eased back with a huff. Sam nodded to him, then looked back to Loki. "Loki what do you...are you feeling— do you feel like you need to–"
"Relax," Loki said, cutting of Sam's floundering, "that's not what I mean. I rather grew out of that phase."
"Loki, that's not how," Sam stopped. One problem at a time, he reminded himself. "You sure you want to keep going? Really sure?"
Loki nodded.
"All right," Sam conceded. "Thor, I need to talk to you. Come with me for a sec."
Thor's face crumbled. "But –
"It's important, man. Please."
Thor looked back at his brother, expression tight. Loki smiled a little. It was still shaking around the edges, but he nodded.
"I'll be all right," he promised. "Go on."
"Please, Thor," Sam pressed, feeling like utter shit as Thor continued to stare at his brother with that horribly sad expression.
"I'll be right out that door," Thor promised. "You'll be able to see me, right there, the whole time. If you need me –"
"I'll call. I'm not a child, Thor. Go on. I promise not to throw myself into the abyss if you look away."
Thor scowled. "You're not as funny as you think you are."
"I'm hilarious." Loki grinned a little and waved him off. The light expression didn't last, and he looked down at his water soberly, lost in thought.
Thor hovered a little longer, wringing his hands. Then he slowly stepped out, throwing hesitant glances over his shoulder as he went.
"Finish that," Sam said, nodding to the glass.
"Yes, nanny," Loki snorted. But he took another drink, and he seemed more anchored in the present. Sam couldn't ask for much more at this point.
Thor sulked in the doorway, angled so he could see Loki and the people in the hallway, arms crossed stubbornly. He flicked his gaze to Sam as he came over, then rolled his shoulders and looked back at his brother. It was a posture that said very clearly, 'I'm not moving'. Sam smiled a little and eased his hip against the doorframe, joined the big guy in the not-so discreet task of studying the dark-haired man across the room.
After a minute of quiet, Hela slipped out of the shadows and crouched by Loki's side. She she silently hovered, then hesitantly raised one hand. With more insecurity than Sam would have thought her capable of, she slowly cupped the back of Loki's head. Loki watched her curiously as she gently petted his hair. They stared at one another for a beat, then Loki leaned into her hold, resting his head on her shoulder.
Sam looked away, feeling oddly voyeuristic. He coughed and angled himself to look at Thor head on.
"What do you guys know about psychology in Asgard?" He said quietly.
Thor shifted, still keeping his brother in his line of sight. He cleared his throat. "More than people seem to think. Though, admittedly, we're not as well studied as people on Earth."
Sam studied him for a bit. "Wow, Thor, you're going to be a great king. That was some grade A political bullshit."
Thor cracked a hesitant smile. "Maybe. We have an understanding of the Science of the Mind. We know that the mind can be damaged: by war, by other tortures. And that it can simply be born sick. But our understanding of what qualifies as sickness and our options for treating it are not quite as... varied as yours."
He paused. "I know what your trying to get at here. I've done some reading on Midgards psychology, since I joined the Avengers. I've read and I've looked back...I'm not naive. I know something must have been wrong with Loki for a long time. I know that happy people don't … don't do things like that. They don't throw themselves—" Thor cut off with a shaky breath, rubbing a hand over his mouth. "Happy people don't think that's the only option," he said. "I know this and I know it must be there, but I've looked and looked, and I can't see it. My brother must have been suffering for so long and I still can't see it."
"Sometimes the things closest to us are the hardest to see. Okay, let's not get too bogged down here," Sam said when Thor's face just continued to crumble. "I've got some experience helping guys through stuff like this. Friends from war." Not enough to be considered an expert, but enough to recognise the signs. And to offer some help. He'd really polished what skills he had when Steve asked him to find one very mentally fucked up Winter Solider.
"I want to help Loki get through this'" he went on. "And if I'm going to help him, I need you to give me some insight into your brother's state of mind. What we're going to be talking about here is going to be hard on him. So I need you to think, and be honest with me." He paused, waited for Thor to nod his understanding. "Has Loki shown any signs of wanting to hurt himself, since then?
Thor's face spasmed. Sam watched him swallow down the instinctive denial and turn his mind's eye to the past. "There are few things, recently, that concern me." He started, very hesitant. "I thought, at first, that he was just embracing heroics, but...now that I think about it —he's been reckless, the last few years. In a way that he would usually berate me for.
"When our Mother died, I broke him out of prison so that he could help me avenge her. We went to the homeworld of the Dark Elves, the people who killed her. We needed the leader to get an angry life-sucking sludge out of my girlfriend — ex-girlfriend. It was a whole thing." Thor waved the tangent off with a ghost of a smile. "There was a battle. The plan went to shit and I...I was fighting the Kursed, while Loki fought the smaller minions. And I was losing."
He huffed a small self-mocking laugh. "While I was getting pounded into the dirt and letting our mother's murderer get away, Loki was keeping Jane safe and destroying the other minions. Then, when all I could do was lie there and let the beast pummel me, Loki stopped it. Or gave it pause, at least. Put a sword through its chest. For all the good it did," he muttered.
"That didn't kill it?" Sam guessed.
"Damn thing was unkillable. We already knew that, saw it in action a few times. But Loki still stabbed it. Then he stood there and... you've seen him in battle," he said, suddenly pushing away from the wall. He paced, wringing his hands. "You've seen the way he fights; he's fast, damn hard to get a hold of. And the more I think back on it, the more I think that he stood there...and waited for the Kursed to grab him. To impale him on the blade. He did it so he could kill the beast, get close enough so he could trigger the only thing strong enough to destroy it. But he didn't know that he'd survive it; we still don't know how he did. And then Thanos...
"He did them both for me. And I wanted to think it was a good thing, a heroic thing. But now all I can keep thinking is…" He whirled back around to Sam and there was a horrible desperation in his eyes that Sam never wanted to see on Thor's face ever again. "Do you think that was what he was talking about? Has what happened, what we've been talking about, pushed him too far? Is he going to try again?"
Sam swallowed the urge to reassure. Well meant lies weren't going to help. "I don't know, buddy. I wish I could give you a better answer. I can tell you that things like this aren't that simple. His relationship with you is a good anchor, and it's a good sign. But I just don't know. All we can do is watch out for him. Help me out with that?"
Thor's expression solidified. He gave a resolved nod. "Always."
Sam patted his shoulder. "All right, I just need to know a few more things."
By the time they headed back to the rest of the group, Sam figured he had a pretty good grasp of what Loki was like. This wasn't going to be easy, but at least they weren't going in blind.
"Okay," Sam announced. "We're going back in there. I don't think it's the greatest idea, but I also get the impression that this is the first time Loki's really opened up about this. Or anything in his life, really. And that's important for him to heal. So we're going back in. If Loki doesn't want someone there, you'll leave. If you push him, or make him uncomfortable, I've got a lot of super-muscle to throw you out. Everyone got it?" He said, staring hard at Quill's group.
The Guardians nodded, looking down at their hands.
"We've got it, Sam," Steve said. "I meant it when I said he earned this. All we want is to help him."
X
Hela and Loki eased apart as they filed back into the room. Thor took his former position by Loki's shoulder while Hela sat back in the shadows at his other side. Sam pulled a seat and sat so he and Loki were face to face.
The others did the same, scattered around the room so they weren't crowding Loki, or looming over him. Sam's idea.
"You lot don't need to tip-toe around me," Loki said after a moment of quiet. "I'm not made of glass."
"Feeling shaky about this is nothing to be ashamed of," Sam said. Loki tilted his head with a deadpanned, thoroughly unimpressed look.
Tony stifled a laugh, and some of the palpable worry in the air eased. Reindeer Games was feeling better.
Sam snorted. "Okay. If you need to take a break, or need anyone to leave, just say the word. I'll get your big brother throw them out. With extreme prejudice."
Loki glanced over his shoulder, and Thor made a show a smacking his fist into his palm. All with a very unconvincing smile. Loki snorted and shook his head.
"Morons," he said with undeniable affection. He sat back in his chair, looking thoughtfully into the distance.
Tony's gut knotted again. Now came the hard part.
"I don't...I don't really know where to go, from here. The rest is, it's hard for me."
"Take your time," Sam encouraged.
Loki aimed another 'don't coddle me, silly mortal' look his way. "After I… when I tried to," he closed his eyes tightly for a beat, took a deep breath. "I was in the Void for what felt like a very long time. It wasn't really. I couldn't have been there too long. By my recollection, I was with Thanos almost the entire time I was away from Asgard. But it felt," he paused, swallowed, "it felt like forever.
"The only thing I had was my magic. Sometimes it helped." Loki shuddered, exhaling a shaky breath. "There weren't any stars. It was...dark. There was no air, no sound, so sight. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't scream. Couldn't die."
His gaze flicked over to Hela, and something like shame crossed her face. She looked away. Loki stared after her, then focused back on his hands.
"After...a while, I hit solid ground. Thanos controls a number of bases, mostly large war ships. But there's one base that's stationary. Not a planet, per say, but a land mass, where he houses his...projects. It exists outside the reach of the nine realms: what you think of as your galaxy. There are a handful of such places, just slightly out of sync with our galaxy."
"Like Sakaar," Thor noted.
He hummed in mild agreement. "They call it Sanctuary."
Loki shoulders quaked at the name. He closed his eyes, pressing his lips into a thin line. In the back of the room, Nebula flinched, sharply turning her face back to the window.
"Those planets and ours create tension within the fabric of the universe; the tension creates wormholes, pocketed throughout the galaxy. That's how some unfortunate souls wind up in such places. In my case, with the Bi-Frost broken, there was nothing to anchor me to this galaxy. I drifted. And eventually, Sanctuary's gravity drew me to it.
"I landed hard. And then a roving group of Chitauri found me." Loki broke off with a shaky breath. And shattered the empty water glass in his hand.
"Loki," Sam started gently.
Loki waved him off with a sharp breath. He slowly brushed the broken glass off his palms. Quiet for a moment, he pried one large piece out of the flesh, held it up, and then let it fall. The shard fell to the ground, each bright ting unusually loud as it struck.
"I broke most of my bones when I landed. And they—" His face spasmed as he fought to keep his expression neutral. The effort was undermined, somewhat, by the way he needed to force each word out through clenched teeth. "They, they hurt me. For a while. The Jotnar are a hardy species; handy in battle, but problematic when your captors have a nasty streak. Thanos has played with the DNA of the Chirari so much that they don't have much more than a brain cell to pass between them. But they put that one brain cell to brutally effective use.
"They left me physically incompacitated for the entirety of my time there. And several years after. But the time they spent...hurting me, gave my magic a chance to recover. And I got away. I fucking vaporized them." He smiled fiercely for beat, then sobered again. "And, that's how I caught Maw's attention, unfortunately. Magic, like what I did to the Chitauri, is like a beacon to anyone with the slightest sensitivity to sedir. And it's draining. Between that and the pain, I couldn't… he caught me, and brought me to the center of Sanctuary. And he," Loki stopped again. He folded his hands together and pressed them against his mouth. He was quiet except for ragged breathing for a long moment, and when he started again, his voice was barely a whisper.
"What Maw does isn't torture. Not the way you're thinking. Not in the way you understand it. What he does isn't to mold people into what he wants, to change their allegiances, or to gather information. He works for Thanos, yes; he indoctrinates the children Thanos takes in, molds anyone the Titan thinks will be useful. But he sought Thanos out for access to victims, not for a shared ideology. He does it because it brings him...physical pleasure. He strips captives down to their simplest components, and then plays with what's left. It's why he takes such an interest in children; they're closer to that perfect state of being he aims for."
Tony winced, rubbing a hand over his mouth. And mournfully thought, Peter...
"He liked to hurt me," Loki continued, shaking visibly, "to see how much I could take. Before I started to beg, or, when he found out how durable I was, to see how close he could bring me to death. Not that it would have mattered, with dear old mother's help, isn't that right?"
"I didn't know." Hela whispered. n Her face was twisted in open horror for a heartbeat. Then she wrestled her expression into something more neutral as more and more gazes were aimed her way.
For all that she was absent in Loki's life, he shared many of her tells. She pressed her mouth into a line, folded her arms defensively. By the time she spoke, her voice was practically devoid of emotion. "I didn't know, Loki. The spell I put on you, to monitor you, to keep you from dying...it didn't mean I knew everything that was going on. It didn't alert me when you came close to death; it was an autonomous spell, it worked without me. I didn't know."
Loki studied her. "Would it have mattered if you did?"
"Yes." Her expression turned fierce. "I would have torn apart anything and everyone in my path. There wouldn't have been a force in the universe that could have stopped me. I would have gotten you out of there, laws of the universe be damned."
Several heads ducked to hide small smiles, of humor, and mostly of wry respect. Thor eyed his sister, a hint of respect and admiration draped over the crippling sadness on his face.
"I believe you," Loki said after a moment.
He tipped back in his chair, staring up at the ceiling. His voice was calmer when he started again, though nowhere near steady. "Maw...had me for almost eight months. And he hurt me in ways that you cannot even begin to imagine. I let go of the Bi-Frost because I wanted to die. I thought I deserved to. But after months of constant torment, I realized that I did not want to. Not like that. Not there. So I made a choice, and I did what I do best: I scheemed." A small, wry smile flashed over his face. "I listened. To Maw, the rest of the Black Order, foot soldiers. They were all...very free to speak, around me. I didn't exist to them."
He closed his eyes with a tired sigh. "After a few weeks, I pieced together that they were looking to get to Midgard. They couldn't; no one in Sanctuary had the ability to reach the nine realms. But I could."
"With the Tesseract," Natasha noted, thinking back to the footage of the S.H.I.E.L.D base Loki had first appeared in.
Loki snorted. "Normally I wouldn't need to rely on external magics. I learned realm-jumping when I was eight. Right after shapeshifting." He glanced at Thor, who rolled his eyes with a tiny hint of an undeniable goofy grin. Loki flicked a wane smile his way, then sobered. "But with my...condition at the time, I couldn't even manage spells that were like breathing. Luckily, even when I couldn't do it myself, my sedir gave me a unique connection to the Space Stone. I could reach it, get to it. So the next time Maw came for me, I reached out, made contact. And I became very, very useful."
"You traded us," Steve said. "You traded our world, to get away from them."
"Yes," Loki said, quietly, and without hesitation.
Steve looked away with a frown, and yeah, that was hard to swallow, regardless of how much they empathized with Loki.
"I don't necessarily regret it. I don't like that I let myself be brought that low. Let myself be controlled like that. But it got me out of a very bad situation; I thought it was worth it. Still do."
"And the people who got hurt?" Steve asked, crossing his arms.
"I planned to keep the damage to a minimum," he said with a shrug. "I only did enough to catch your attention when you showed that you could be a credible opponents, if you lot just got your shit together. Took you long enough," he muttered. Loki glanced up and winced at the level of incredulity that was aimed his way. "Empathy has never been my strongest quality. I'm working on it," he added quickly, "but, obviously at that point, it was kind of at its lowest."
Steve rubbed between his eyes with an exasperated sigh. "We did they want Earth? If all they wanted was the Tesseract, why send you to conquer Earth?"
"They didn't want Earth. They wanted me to get to Midgard, use to the Stone bring the Chitauri. Bring the Stone back to Thanos. Get the army through so they could wipe out half the planet."
"So you decided that sounded like a great plan, since you'd get to rule what was left of the planet?" Tony threw in. He tilted his head and aimed a look Loki's way that clearly said, 'really, dumbass?'
Loki went back to looking at the ceiling.
"That's what they told me I wanted," he said.
Tony's expression softened. "Mind Stone?"
He nodded. "Thanos wasn't going to let me waltz off with the only Infinity Stone he had unless he was very sure I was going to bring it back, with interest."
"Why'd he give it to you at all?" Tony mused. "That's, that's pretty dumb. And Thanos is definately crazy, but he didn't strike me as dumb."
Loki rapidly blinked, thinking it over himself. "I told him I needed it. Told him I wasn't strong enough to make the necessary portal to get the army through - which was more or less true with my condition at the time - and that I needed technological help. Human technology, which I had no understanding of. So I needed human help. Hence; mind-control stick. Still not sure why that worked, actually," he said, more to himself.
Loki shook himself a little, redirecting his thoughts. "Thanos wouldn't have let me go unless he knew, absolutely, that I was as dedicated to his cause as I said I was. So they used the Stone to...thoroughly examine my mind." There was a pause and shaky breath with a hint of tears. "There was nothing I could hide. Not from an Infinity Stone. So, I had to believe it; that I agreed, whole-heartedly, with Thanos' mission. That I wanted to destroy Earth because it would hurt Thor. That I wanted to rule over the ashes of what was left. And the Mind Stone made those beliefs real."
He fisted a hand over against his chest. Pale wisps of golden light peaked through his fingers. Loki sighed a little, soothed by the Stone's presence.
"But she also helped me. They kept the link between me and the Stone constantly open, to keep an eye on me. To punish me...just to show me that they could." His grip tightened around the Stone. It's glow brightened, and the tension in his face slowly eased. "And our bond grew faster than it might have under any other circumstances. And she helped heal me. It took some time, but she helped me put the pieces of me back together."
"Loki, why didn't you say anything?" Thor said, stricken.
Loki slowly turned his head, a staggering amount of pain in his gaze. "I didn't think I would have to."
Thor looked away with a heartbroken expression.
"And I didn't want to; not at the time anyway. The Stone helped me heal, yes, but it was just a start. Enough for me to remember that I hated Thanos and his lackeys a lot more than I wanted to hurt Thor, absolutely. But it took years for me to really find myself again. At the time, I still enjoyed the chaos of it. It was...well, it was fun. And a part of me like seeing someone else suffer for a while."
"Nice," Rocket murmured.
Loki glanced his way. "I never claimed to be a decent man. But, it'll all worked out in the end, didn't it? I kept one Stone out of his grasp — forever, as far as I knew, when I delivered it to Asgard's vault — and stole the only Stone he had. His glorious purpose was as good as thwarted. You're welcome," he added with a weak smile.
"Yeah, you're the beacon of altruism," Rocket snarked.
Loki huffed a laugh and focused his gaze back up. "The rest you know," he said with an air of finality.
"Wait a minute," Quill said. Loki tiredly flicked his eyes over, mildly curious. "That's it? That's all you're going to say about it? I thought the point of this was for you to actually, you know, tell us what happened. And maybe this is just the 'dumbest guy in the room' part of me talking but I haven't heard you really tell us much of anything. Definitely nothing we can confirm." His eyes pointedly slid over to Nebula.
Tension shot back into Loki's shoulders. Sam eased forward with a stern look. "Quill, remember our talk," he warned.
"Sam, what did I say about this bizarre need to jump in and coddle me?" Loki interrupted, tone light. He grinned, sprawling in his seat, all of the tension in his frame abruptly gone.
Thor's face pinched in a new level of concern. Tony sympathized; this sling-shot of emotion, from exhausted and barely holding together, to calm and teasing, was exactly the kind of thing they were worried about
"It all blurs together, really. Telling one round of beating from the other, between the bouts of isolation. But if you really insist, I can tell you about all the times he broke each of my bones, one by one. Or how he withheld food and water, for weeks, just to see how long I would last. To see what I would be willing to do when he offered them." He closed his eyes, shrinking back into himself.
"Or, how about the time he flayed my skin off. And not quickly, but strip by strip. It took hours," he whispered. Panic quickly eased back into his voice. "And then he made me watch while he...fed each strip to Thanos' beast."
Someone heaved. More than a few others looked green around the gills. Loki didn't break eye contact with Quill.
"And while we were waiting for the skin to grow back he...carved, directly into the muscle tissue. He carved slave marks and binding runes and just filthy words into me, over and over, until they scarred." His hand hovered shakily over his biceps for a moment, finger tracing the skin. He redirected his gaze over to Nebula, defiant. "Does that sound like something you can confirm, Nebula dear?"
The blue woman stared at him levelly. "Those are Maw's methods," she said.
"Okay man, point made," Quill said.
"No, no, you want details. You want to know everything he did to me, and I obviously owe it to you to oblige."
"All right, that's it," Sam said, sending a glare toward the spacer's way. "Quill, it's time for you to leave."
"No," Loki snapped, when Quill looked all too eager to leave. A manic light shinned behind his eyes. "You want to know, you get to know everything. Because that wasn't the worst of it. Nothing he did to me physically even compares to— " He broke off, trembling so violently that his teeth chattered.
"Loki," Sam said gently. His hand hovered over Loki's shoulder, just a hair away from really touching him. "Loki, take it easy. That's enough."
Loki shook his head, rocking back and forth in his seat. "I could have taken it," he murmured. "I could have taken the physical torments. At least for a while longer. Long enough to get away, or call for help. At the very least, to come up with a better plan. But the things he did to my sedir are... unspeakable."
"Loki, it's all right," Steve tried, edgeing his way into Loki's eyeline. "You don't have to keep going. We understand."
"You don't," Loki screamed. Those closest to him jumped and eased away. Beads of sweat started trailing down Sam's neck as he tried, and failed, to gently get Loki's attention. "It's not that I don't want to explain it; I can't. Your language does not have words for the things he did. You can't possibly understand when you have to connection to seidr of your own. The depths of the horrors that one magic user can do to another are beyond your imagination."
Thor and Hela shared stricken looks.
Loki hugged his chest. The Mind Stone, still clutched in his fist, flashed in increased agitation. "Sedir is, it's more than the ability to do magic tricks. It's the most basic aspect of who I am, the core of me. More intimate than my soul. He took that, and forced himself in. And he left it torn and dirty and ugly. That never healed, not until they day he came back and crawled back into me, and forced me to put a sword through my chest."
"I get it. I get it, man. You can stop." Quill held his hands up in surrender. "I'm sorry, man. I'm so sorry."
Loki's gaze snapped back to the man, something like anger trying to fight to the forefront, but it was too buried under old pain and new panic. "I just said you can't possibly — You can't— you, you— I can't. I can't breathe."
"Loki!" Thor lurched forward when his brother started pawing at his chest, stumbling to halt at Sam's frantic motion to stay back.
"Put your head between your knees," he instructed, carefully guiding him into the proper position without touching him. "Loki. Loki, listen to me."
Tony tapped his shoulder, nudging him out of the way. Sam studied him for a beat, and then eased out of the way, so only Tony was in Loki's eyeline
He crouched at Loki's level, keeping his voice low and calm. "Loki, can you hear me? Try to focus. Focus on my voice. You hear me?"
Loki slowly nodded, reigned in his breathing.
"You're not there anymore," Tony said, repeating the words he'd needed to hear for years after Afghanistan, and then again after New York. "He's gone. You're safe now. He's gone and he can't hurt you anymore."
That finally drew Loki's full attention. He met Tony's eyes, his expression so full of pain and resignation that Tony's mind blanked. "You think that matters? It doesn't. I've tried to get away. I ran, I hid. I died, twice, and it didn't make any difference. He's still there. He's still coming, and there's no way to stop him."
Something in the corner of his eye snapped Tony's attention away before he could get his mind working enough to formulate a response — good god, how had Loki found a way to soldier on with this kind of certainty of suffering festering inside him? — and he looked up just in time to see a mountain of well meaning trouble start forward.
He held a warning hand up. "Thor, buddy, hold on a second," he started.
Too late.
Thor reached for his brother, muttering 'Loki' in a mournful whisper. He clasped the back of Loki's neck, an obviously familiar gesture, probably meant to comfort. Loki jumped under the sudden contact. Then everything exploded.
Thor flew back into the opposite wall, hard enough to dent the metal. Tony barely had time to register the danger before he received the same treatment. Something struck him hard in the chest, like a baseball bat. Wielded by the Hulk.
Dazed, he lay against the wall, distantly noting the rest of the carnage. The other's all stumbled back under the force that leveled Tony and Thor, albeit a smaller dosage. The entire room trembled, filling the air with a deafening rumble. Cracks started creeping up the walls. The holo-table flipped off it's base with a scream of metal. Every window in the room shattered. The door was torn off its hinges and flew across the hall outside.
The chaos only lasted for a few seconds, and then everything went deathly quiet except for Loki's ragged breathing.
As the quiet continued, the other's slowly started to uncurl from the limited cover they'd found. Steve bolted to Tony's side, gingerly helping him up. He shrugged the soldier off and rubbed the center of his chest. Thor dusted himself off without incident. They all surveyed the damage, damage done to the strongest metal on Earth, slowly looked toward the man at the epicenter of it all.
Loki looked back, eyes wide and one hand pulling at his hair. "Sorry," he whispered.
"It'a okay," Sam assured. He hurried over, still a little winded from the blow they'd all taken. "Are you back with us?"
Loki nodded, fiddling with his hands.
"That was...new," Tony said.
"Actually, that was a bit of a regression. I learned to control my emotions to prevent magic outbursts like that when I was a child."
"Loki, if you push yourself too hard on something like this, you're going to have emotional breaks," Sam said. "That's nothing to be ashamed of."
Loki shrugged, still avoiding looking at anyone.
"Brother." Thor approached slowly, making sure Loki could see him every step of the way. He crouched by his brother's side, clearly wishing for contact, but holding back. "Loki, I promise you, he'll pay for this. He will pay for every wrong done to you; I will do everything in my power to get you restitution. I swear it."
Loki smiled a little. "I believe you," he said quietly, reaching for Thor's hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. Thor's expression melted, aglow with relief and hope and unadulterated love.
And then Loki's eyes rolled back and he fell to the floor with a quiet sigh.