Business meetings are always dull, monotonous affairs. People drone on about shares, stock value, investments, financial gains and enough buzzwords to kill your brain cells. You would hardly expect anything interesting to happen, let alone a masked individual armed with dust infused clothing bursting through your twelfth story office window and yet that's exactly what happened. Weiss Rose-Schnee was in the middle of reviewing second-quarter profits for the SDC, when a costumed gentleman, clad head to toe in black spandex, crashed through the window. His face was in one of those wrestling masks that had holes for the eyes and mouth, but not much else. A long black cape sprawled around his shoulders, with a stark white X on his chest.
"Weiss Rose-Schnee! Doctor Pain has found you to be guilty of crimes against humanity! SUFFER!" he yelled and fired a blast of fire from the palm of his gloves, which had somehow been laced with fire dust. Weiss rolled out of the way, seeking shelter behind her desk and grabbing Myrtenaster from its protective case. The various suits and accountants ran from Weiss' office screaming, but the mysterious Doctor Pain paid them no mind.
"Who in Remnant are you?!" she yelled, loading various dust vials into the weapon's chambers.
"I go by my many names, but you may call me Doctor Pain! I am the punishment that plagues the guilty and punishes the greedy!"
"You're a grown man dressed as a giant condom!" Weiss countered, flipping over her desk as a distraction and firing a blast of ice that was absorbed by his flaming glove.
"You mock me, but it only fuels my desire to revenge!" he growled. "I will punish you!"
Thankfully, Ruby had taken the day off from hunting to shadow Weiss around the office. That mostly meant drinking unholy amounts of coffee from the break room, making paperclip necklaces and stealing kisses at inappropriate moments. In true Ruby fashion, she never went anywhere without Crescent Rose and it was only a matter of time before she sprang into action, Crescent Rose fully extended and locked and loaded as she had followed the source of the screaming and ran straight into the office.
"Step away from my wife!" Ruby ordered.
"You aide in her wickedness? Feel the taste of my wrath! For am I Doctor Pai-"
"Wait," Ruby interrupted. "Did you say 'Feel the taste of my wrath'? You stole that from The Masked Marauder!" Doctor Pain dropped both his hands, the flames dying out. When he spoke, his voice had lost the intimidating growl and was replaced by a squeaky, almost pubescent whine.
"No, no, Masked Marauder says 'Enjoy the taste of my pain' which is totally different than my catchphrase!" he retorted, but Ruby was having none of it.
"It's a still a rip off! I'm like the hugest Masked Marauder fan ever! I literally own every comic and have seen all of his films, including the gritty reboot with Spruce Willis! You just changed a few words around, but the catchphrase is the same." she said.
"Look, it doesn't matter who said who or who said what, what's important is that I get my revenge! My brooding, dark revenge is basically my entire character!" Doctor Pain complained. He stomped his foot in irritation, crunching on a piece of shattered glass. "And you are ruining my vision!"
"I'm sorry, what did you say your name was? Doctor Pay?" Ruby asked.
"No! It's Doctor Pain! I am the Doctor of Pain and my prescription is darkness!" he said, his voice cracking. Ruby sighed and shook her head in disappointment.
"That is such a rip off of Sycho Surgeon from Marvelous Comics," Ruby said with disgust. Furious, Doctor Pain punched a hole in the wall of Weiss' office.
"Hey, that's expensive!" Weiss protested, but nobody paid attention to her.
"It's completely different than Sycho Surgeon! Sycho Surgeon debuted in Fantastic Stories number 23 when Johnny Johnson was pricked by a radioactive scalpel and swore revenge on-"
"-the society that wronged him and is the arch-villain of Superbly-Awesome Man. Yes, I know! I own that issue in both Good and Very Good condition! Trust me, there's nothing original about you. You call yourself Doctor Pain, but there's nothing here to show you're a doctor. And why the X? That makes me think of the X-Guys but you're definitely not a part of them." Ruby snarked. Doctor Pain quivered with anger, shaking his fists. Weiss clenched Myrtenaster tightly, ready to attack, but instead of blasts of supercharged dust, Doctor Pain just continued to argue with Ruby.
"You are such a fake geek girl! You know nothing about the finer aspects of comic books!" he sneered. "The X represents my desire for revenge as if I'm saying my victims are going to be an 'EX' person!"
"Wow, that's a bigger stretch than CD comics rebooting Battyman to be the Jester's twin brother!"
"That as an Otherverse story, it's not canon!"
"Your face isn't canon!" Ruby snapped, sticking her tongue out. "And if you're a supervillain, what's your tragic back story? The Jester fell into a vat of radioactive liquid whoopie cushions, the Puzzler was cut by a radioactive puzzle piece, Commodore Chill drank a glass of water that had a radioactive ice cube…."
"If you must know, I want revenge for my father!"
"Ohh, a classic, I'll give you that," Ruby conceded. "What happened to him? A mob hit? Eaten by Grimm? Killed in a lab explosion? Joined the circus?"
"No, something far worse. Your wife, that terrible human known as Weiss Rose-Schnee….fired my father from this company! After ten years of faithful service, they stole his genius ideas for dust refinement and kicked him to the curb! Well no more! Doctor Pain will punish those who deserve it!"
"Wait, that's it?" Weiss said, happy to get a word in. "By chance, your father isn't Mortimer Happenstock is he?" Doctor Pain sighed dejectedly and pulled off his mask, revealing a shock of bright orange hair, splattered with just as orange freckles.
"I am his son, Eustace," he said. "You fired my Dad, you bankrupted our family and you stole his ideas! Comic books are all I know and I wanted to make you pay for ruining my family," he added. Taking great care to not step on my any glass, Weiss made her way across the ruined office and rested a comforting hand on Eustace's shoulder.
"First, I'm sorry about your financial difficulties. But secondly, your father is lying to you. I fired him because he was stealing company property and I don't mean paperclips or staplers, I mean expensive dust refinement equipment, laptops and more and selling them on SchneeBay for a tidy profit." Weiss said softly. "But I am a firm believer in not punishing people for the sins of their father, trust me. So Doctor Pain or whatever your name is, would you like to work for the SDC? You can start by cleaning this mess up and then tomorrow you can work in the mail-room."
"R-really?" Eustace said, wiping an errant tear from his eye. "Can…can my Dad have his job back?"
"Oh gods no, if he shows up within one hundred yards of his building, I'm calling security. But you? You are welcome here. Now grab a broom and sweep up this mess, your shift starts now. You can find the janitor equipment down the hall and to your left." Weiss said firmly. Eustace nodded eagerly in support and dashed out of the door and down the hall. Weiss sighed with exhaustion and plopped down on the singed remains of her office couch.
"I can't believe your ridiculous knowledge of comic books saved the day, you Dolt," she said. Ruby giggled and laid down on the couch, resting the back of her head on Weiss' lap.
"Sometimes, being a complete nerd comes in handy," Ruby said simply.
"Just try not to let it go to your head," Weiss said with a smirk.
"Why would I when I go to your head instead? Hmmm?" said Ruby with a suggestive eyebrow wiggle.
"And what's that supposed to mean?"
"Weissssss! I'm trying to be seductive!" Ruby complained.
"Well, you are failing. Miserably. We've had this talk before. You lack your sister's 'talent' for innuendo and double-entendres. As someone who loves you, please stop trying to talk dirty."
"Right, I gotcha. Hey Weiss? With all this talk about superheroes and comics, I was wondering-"
"No, I am not going to dress up as Wondrous Woman for you in the bedroom."
"Aww, you're no fun."