Gendo sat at his desk at the NERV Command Center and took a sip from his mug. "How's your Moos-day going, Fuyutsuki?"

"Isn't it Monday, sir?"

"Every day is Moos-day."

"Oh, right." Fuyutsuki realized Gendo was referring to his mug, which had a cow and the words "thank God it's Moos-day" on it. "Nothing to complain about, Commander."

Gendo put down his mug and looked at a piece of paper. "Anyway, I have this list of changes I think we should make. Ultimately, we don't know when the Third Impact will start, so I think we should go ahead with these."

"I'm all ears, sir."

"First, we need to get stigmata covered under our health insurance plan. I'm not saying it will happen, but it features in a number of potential scenarios. Could you take care of that later today?"

"Of course."

"Second, we should change how we refer to our pilots. Instead of, say, 'Third Children', it should be 'Third Child'."

"That would make a lot more sense."

"Next, SEELE should be pronounced 'seal'."

"Okay."

"And also, we need better sound-proofing for the Evas. I'm tired of hearing Shinji's screams."

"'Better sound-proofing for Evas'," Fuyutsuki said as he wrote it down.

"And last but not least... what's that penguin doing here?" Gendo looked to his left, as Pen Pen waddled past his desk.

"Pardon?" said Fuyutsuki. He then saw Pen Pen. "Oh! I'll alert security."

Just then, Misato ran in front of Pen Pen.

"Shoo! Shoo!" said Misato to Pen Pen. She turned to Gendo. "I'm really sorry about that, Commander."

"You know how I feel about penguins, Katsuragi!" exclaimed Gendo.

Misato paused. "Actually, Commander, I don't know how you feel about penguins."

"I love them! Bring the old boy here!"

Misato moved to the other side of Pen Pen, and ushered him back toward Gendo. Gendo left his desk and approached Pen Pen.

"Can I pet him?" asked Gendo. He reached out his hand to stroke Pen Pen's face, but Pen Pen deflected his arm with a flipper.

"Well, actually, Commander," said Misato, "he doesn't like to be touched. About the only things he likes are fish and reading about real estate in the newspaper. Anyway, I'm very sorry about bringing him in, but there was a fumigation emergency at my apartment, and-"

"I wonder if he can pilot an Eva."

"Sir?"

"We should try it. It would certainly liven things up around here. Can you imagine? A penguin piloting an Eva?"

Misato paused. "Well, Commander, there's certainly a part of me that's curious."

"Great. Make it happen."

"Will do, Commander."

A short time later, Shinji sat in his Second Impact class, when, out the window and off in the distance, he saw a cross-shaped apparition suddenly flash into existence in the sky. Everyone in class started murmuring, and the Second Impact teacher walked to the window to see what was happening.

"Oh..." the Second Impact teacher moaned. He turned toward the class. "I feel like there's something I should be telling you... Oh, my memory's not what it used to be, but it was very important, what was it?"

The teacher stared off to the side.

"Was it advice? I don't think advice would help at a time like this. Was it a poem? A quotation? A prayer?"

The teacher frowned and looked toward the ground.

"To the best of my recollection, what I think I'm supposed to tell you, is the following: You know how the first thing that Japanese men think of in the morning is sex? Well, the French think that way about food."

The teacher paused.

"No, wait, that wasn't it."

The Second Impact teacher turned back toward the class. The students were all underneath their desks, waiting for a possible blast.

"Wait, where'd you all go?"

Pen Pen sat in the cockpit of Unit-01, which was surrounded by swirling dark gray clouds and hurricane-force winds. Pen Pen looked with great concern at the stigmata spots appearing on his flippers.

Kaworu walked sadly next to the crater lake, oblivious to the Unit-01 drama occurring off in the distance, marked by a small patch of black storm clouds and lightning in an otherwise clear blue sky. "The limitations of man," said Kaworu, looking at the ground, "are pervasive and so deeply ingrained."

The SEELE obelisks appeared, and SEELE 01 spoke. "And yet, the Man keeps hastling me over unpaid property taxes on my '95 Lincoln Town Car."

"The Lilin body is much weaker than I had expected," said Kaworu, looking down at himself. "And the temptations of the flesh so much sweeter as well. How do the Lilin manage?"

SEELE 02 sighed. "Kaworu, not only are you a few hours late for our dawn meeting, this is just about the worst possible time to summon us. The Third Impact For Penguins is taking place right now!"

"What?" asked Kaworu.

SEELE 03 spoke. "Weak, horny, and oblivious. You must be a real catch."

Kaworu squinted and looked toward the sun. "Where is it?"

SEELE 02 sighed. "Not over there. To your left!"

Kaworu turned. "Where?"

SEELE 02 spoke. "You turned too much, it's-"

"Oh, I see it," said Kaworu. He stared at the swirling dark clouds and the intermittant flashes. He paused. "Am I supposed to do something?"

Sighs of exasperation came from the SEELE obelisks.

SEELE 04 spoke. "Isn't there supposed to be some kind of prophecy to be fulfilled?"

Kaworu shrugged. "I don't know, maybe? What can I do about it?"

SEELE 02 spoke. "Okay. Look, I know you're going through some self-doubt right now. Let me assure you that everyone, every human on Earth, goes through the same thing. Now, perhaps we've sheltered you more than we should have, and now you're interacting with humans more than you ever have in the past, and you find yourself, in many ways, completely unprepared. But it's good that you're getting out there. You need to have your ego bruised. You need to get beat up a little, brought down a peg. You need to be embarrassed, humiliated, emasculated-"

SEELE 04 interrupted. "Jeez, is this what you call a pep talk? Give the kid a break."

SEELE 08 spoke. "Look, can we continue this chat later? The Third Impact for Penguins is happening and I don't want to miss the good parts!"

SEELE 02 spoke. "Very well. Let us continue this discussion later."

Back at NERV Headquarters, Fuyutsuki was transfixed by what he saw on his monitor.

"The Black Moon has broken past the E-layer!" said Fuyutsuki.

"It'll do that," said Gendo. He sat with his hands folded in front of his face.

"The Chamber of Guf is opening!" said Fuyutsuki.

"Could be humidity. Like a bathroom door that's warped and no longer closes all the way."

"Komm, Süsser Todd is playing!"

"Look, maybe in retrospect, having a penguin pilot Unit-01 was an idea that could've been implemented better."

"The Prime Minister is on the phone! He wants to know why penguins are disappearing from zoos!"

"Oh, this is so embarrassing. How can this day get any worse?"

"Your son wants to do a Skype chat with you!"

"I'm not here."

"Oops, too late!" said Fuyutsuki. "I've patched him through."

Shinji appeared on Gendo's computer screen, waving. "Hi, Father. Uh, is everything okay there?"

"Yes, Shinji, everything is fine. Everything is under control."

"Are you sure? Because I can see storm clouds over the Command Center from the school... and maybe a moon?"

"Localized weather. Everything is fine."

"Should I go back and get in Unit-01?"

"Nope. No, everything is fine. Just take your classes."

"Commander," said Fuyutsuki, "Unit-01 has been penetrated by a replica of the spear of Longinus!"

"Wait, what was that?" asked Shinji.

"Nothing, everything is fine," said Gendo. "Just some unscheduled maintenance. Spring cleaning, basically. Removing the cobwebs, and-"

Just then, a shriek from Maya reverberated throughout the NERV Command Center.

"I think I heard something," said Shinji.

"Anyway, we're very busy right now. I will contact you if we need you to pilot Unit-01. Goodbye."

"Wait, what's-" Shinji said before the chat was terminated.

Gendo and Fuyutsuki sat silently while the drama played out on their computer screens.

Gendo spoke. "The Dead Sea Scrolls didn't happen to prophesy anything involving an unusual animal being placed in an Evangelion, did they?"

"Nope," said Fuyutsuki.

"Figures."