I stare at the ceiling. Every night, since having left Miami over a week ago, even after a heavy shift, I end up tossing and turning, unable to sleep. I can't stop thinking of Bella. I haven't seen or heard from her, not that I'm expecting her to contact me; in fact, I know that she won't. I'm almost certain she's trying to find a way to convince herself that it didn't happen.
I've thought about showing up at her office, but I want to give her some time to process things, figure out her feelings. I'd sprung a lot on her. For me there were no surprising revelations, but I'm sure there were for her.
Things had just skyrocketed when I saw her with James. He's a sleaze, who's successfully made a career as a plastic surgeon in the Miami, but he's originally from Chicago. We'd been at med-school together. After achieving his Board Certification, he moved to Florida to specialize.
He's also Lauren's 'ex'; the guy she was dating exclusively before she became fixated on me.
I'd heard rumors about him having access to and supplying med-students with recreational drugs and 'energy enhancers' for 'when you need to get your head back in the game'; his words exactly. He'd tried, on many occasions, to sell to me.
Bella and James, both oblivious to my presence, were already sitting at the bar when I walked into the lounge. My blood boiled the moment I laid eyes on them sitting that closely together.
I remember asking myself what she could be thinking.
I didn't want to make a scene by going up to them, acting like a caveman, demanding that Bella leave with me; nor did I have the right to. Instead, I sat back to observe them discreetly from an unobtrusive table.
I recall thinking that it could be a totally innocent situation; two people simply having a drink, but I know James, and I could tell by Bella's body language that she was uncomfortable.
I watched as he continued to offer her drinks and her declining on each occasion. From what I could see, she was pretty much disinterested in the drink she already had.
I'd ordered a drink of my own, waiting to see how things would turn out. Then he put his hand on her thigh and I snapped. I was out of my seat and across the lounge in seconds.
I'd really expected for the altercation between James and me to be worse than it turned out, I was prepared for it once I hit him. At the time, beating the crap out of him seemed a much more satisfactory option than him just walking away. In retrospect, it was probably for the best, I really did not want to tarnish my professional reputation with the likes of him.
What happened with James had been a walk in the park, compared to what happened with Bella later. I had no intentions of setting of the events of that night.
We were both faced with some truths neither of us intended to admit to or was ready for. She admitted the end of her relationship with Jacob, and I came clean about my feelings for her. Those admissions sparked something inside both of us. It set the premise for what happened later.
When I followed her out into the night and found her screaming in a violent storm, I didn't know what to think. My initial thought was that she'd further injured herself and was in pain. But my show of concern quickly escalated into our normal arguing.
My earlier confession had gotten to her. She was finally opening herself up to the possibility that she could actually feel something for me. However, there was no need for us to get killed in the wake of her epiphany, and I just wanted to get her back to safety and to take care of her. And the rest ensued.
I turn over and check the clock again, two twenty a.m., it's only been six minutes since I last checked. I realize that I'm not going to be able to get proper rest until I see her.
I think back to the way her skin felt against my lips. Closing my eyes, I let that feeling crash over me again.
I've berated myself constantly after walking out on her, but it was necessary. She needs be the one to initiate things between us. Her initial feelings about me are still a barrier, and making love to her that night would have proven everything she'd already established in her mind about me; a womanizer.
Backing off was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. She'd been standing right in front of me, practically naked. She let me touch her, dry her hair, kiss her body. My desire for her was overwhelming, prominent and painful, straining against the zipper of my slacks. I knew she felt it.
I'd been in similar situations before, but part of me felt a bit embarrassed that she knew she was affecting me in that way, that I couldn't control a simple, intimate act without becoming completely aroused.
That night I went back to my hotel room, stood under a cold shower and had a few drinks to take the edge off. I didn't even consider pleasuring myself; for the first time in a long, long while, I ignored my sexual want.
I had to force myself to keep from running down the hall, back to her room to finish what we'd started.
Things have changed between us, and I'm going to make certain that I don't ruin it by quickly satisfying my sexual urges with her. I need to prove to her that I'm serious about this.
Monday morning rolls around, the day, while in Florida, we'd agreed on a session for me. I'm feeling anxious as I reach her office floor.
I chastise myself for seemingly being unable to handle seeing a woman after having an intimate moment with her. The elevator doors slide open as I step into the lobby and am met with bright eyes and a warm smile.
"Good morning."
"Good… morning to you too," I say hesitantly and frown slightly. "Is Doctor Swan in her office?"
"Yes, she is. You must be Doctor Masen. She's expecting you."
"Thanks … Leah." I peer down to read her nametag.
Just then Bella appears at her office door and looks at me skeptically. "Am I interrupting, Doctor Masen?"
I smile, not able to control my pleasure at seeing her. She's gorgeous. Seeing her glamorously dressed while we were in Florida was a treat, but this look is by far my favorite; pencil skirt, buttoned-up blouse showing tantalizing glimpse of her collarbone. She's wearing her black-rimmed glasses and her hair is pinned up neatly. I'd opt for her to wear it loose and wild, but I keep that fantasy tucked away for now.
"No, you're not interrupting. I was just thanking your new receptionist and was on my way in."
She crosses her arms and leans against the door, which opened for me to enter. The moment the door closes, I'm in front of her, fighting against the urge to touch her.
Fuck, she smells so good! I can't do this.
"I can't promise that I'll be able to keep from touching you," I warn.
"Well, you'd better because if you don't, this session is over, Doctor Masen.
"Yes ma'am," I laugh, coercing a small smile from her, but I can't read her current mood. Yes, she's all business at the moment, but I can't grasp what her thoughts are about us now.
"Should I lie down on the couch?" I snicker.
"If you choose, but note, you will be lying there alone. Shall we get started?"
"All work and no play," I mumble jokingly and take a seat in an armchair.
We're not making much progress, my mind is too focused on what happened in Florida, and she's trying her best to avoid the subject. Finally, I just decide to throw caution to the wind.
"Have dinner with me tonight."
"No."
"That's a really…. definite response." I frown.
"It is definite. I'm not having dinner with you," she says while appearing to read something on her notepad. "You're married and I…"
"I'm getting a divorce, Bella. Have dinner with me, we have a lot to discuss," I cross over to her. "We haven't seen or spoken to each other since what happened in Florida. We need to clarify some things."
"Things are already clarified, Edward. I'm dealing with a…. an obviously emotional and serious issue in my personal life. I'm nowhere near ready to jump into another destructive situation after just getting out of one, especially, not with you, a patient."
"Then I'm no longer your patient. Come on, Bella, it's just dinner."
"It's not just dinner!" She slightly raises her voice and slams her notebook on the table. "We almost had sex, Edward!" She whispers, but her tone is still just as firm. She doesn't want to alert anyone that anything unpleasant is going on.
"But we didn't have sex. Believe me; I'm kicking myself for that one. I know we have to take our time with things. A lot happened, and we both admitted some pretty serious things, but it's all right. We can work through it."
She leans her head back and sighs in frustration. "I still have unresolved issues with Jake."
"I'm not a fool, Bella, I know you have feelings for the guy…"
"I loved him, Edward. I believed I loved him," she murmurs almost to herself, before she spins around to face me. "We got engaged, and a day after I accepted his proposal, I almost went to bed with you. Do you not see the absurdity in that?"
"You're right. It's absurd that he fucked up."
"Edward…." she's becoming annoyed. "I have patients that will be showing up soon. It seems we're not going to make any progress today because of the obvious elephant in the room."
"Does that mean you'll accept my dinner invitation; a friendly dinner?"
She bites her lip, a clear sign that she's at war with her conscience.
I notice some of your quirks too, Doctor Swan.
"All I'm asking for is one dinner." I implore further.
"We tried that in Miami, remember?" She arches an eyebrow at me.
"You didn't play fair, so I deserve a second chance," I counter. She shakes her head and tries to suppress a smile.
"I remember telling you that when an opportunity presents itself, you should jump on it. Maybe you missed your opportunity."
"I'm confident that I haven't. Is that a yes?"
"No. I need time to think, and I can't do that with you here; asking me to dinner. I still have unresolved things to work out, and you do as well," she stands to usher me to the door.
"I will honestly give your invitation some thought, but in the meantime, you've got to go."
"Fine, I'll give you all the time that you need." I stop and caress her cheek. My eyes drop to her lips, my own inches from hers.
"This is not being friendly," she says breathlessly.
"I told you I couldn't promise."
"Edward, I can't...not this soon." She pulls away hesitantly.
"All right, I'll accept that. It's not a no." I open the door and make to leave, but shut the door again.
"The next time the opportunity presents itself, I will be ready to jump on it…. literally," I smile broadly at her.
"Out…. now." She snorts, but with a grin.
"I'm sorry. I couldn't help it!" I whisper as she opens the door and gently pushes me out. I compose myself, seeing that the receptionist and other patients are watching me. "Leah."
"Enjoy the rest of your day, Doctor Masen."
I flash her a smile and walk to the elevator.
As soon as I'm in the car, I place a call to Lauren, explaining that I need to see her. We agree to meet for lunch to discuss the terms of our divorce.
I can't begin to move on with my life until I resolve this, and Bella will never believe that I'm serious about her unless I did so.
We order quickly and eat mostly in awkward silence. It's strange that we've been married for eight years, but can't seem to form words to make even superficial conversation. I realize, yet again, that most of our marriage has been spent arguing; it's about the only way we can communicate.
"So," I clear my throat, "you look well."
"As opposed to what? Looking like shit because my marriage is ending?"
My leg bounces with unease. I sigh quietly, sensing this meeting is about to go awry.
"I just meant that you look good, no more than that. Have you had time to look over the papers?" I decide to stay on track and forego pleasantries, after all this isn't a pleasant situation.
"Yes, I've looked them over. You were very generous with the settlement, Edward."
"I just want everything to go smoothly. There's no reason to drag this out and make things difficult. After everything that's happened, I still care about you, Lauren."
She shoots me a cross look. "You mean after everything I've done to you."
"I didn't say that. There's enough blame to go around. We both know what our individual roles were in this. I'm not pointing any fingers."
"Yeah…. well that seems a bit strange," she sighs heavily and pulls the envelope from her purse. "Here all signed."
She roughly tosses the envelope over to me.
"Now you can move on with your life. I'm sure Irina will be thrilled to know that we've failed."
I reach across the table, retrieve the envelope and open it to make sure that everything is in order. When I'm satisfied, I tuck them into my jacket pocket.
"Irina and I are done. She's getting married. I'm sure you've heard the news."
"Oh, that's right." She smiles mockingly. "Well…. I'm sure you'll have no problem finding someone new, maybe Doctor Isabella Swan," she says snidely as she stands.
The way she said Bella's name doesn't sit well with me. It's as if she knows something.
"Doctor Swan…. why would you mention her?"
"Cut the shit, Edward. I know you're chasing her around like a dog in heat. You're really a sick bastard."
"Excuse me, what the fuck are you talking about, Lauren?"
"Let's just say I've been in touch with an old, mutual friend."
James.
My anger spikes.
"Well, you know filth and trash are closely related." I snap.
"Fuck you, Edward." She turns to leave, and I pull her back. "Take your fucking hands off me, or this meeting will suddenly go very differently."
"You tell James that if he even thinks about retaliating in any way, I'll kill him." I hiss through clenched teeth. Diners around us are beginning to murmur. I glance around and slowly release her arm. "Deliver that message to him."
"Kill?" She smirks. "That's a little severe, don't you think?"
"It's not nearly severe enough after what the two of you did to me. I'm not kidding, Lauren." My threatening stare doesn't waver, and she finally turns to leave.
.
.
.
I'm distracted. It's not good, given that I'm in the middle of a session with a patient who clearly needs my undivided attention.
Edward is consuming my thoughts. I still can't believe the way our relationship has revolved. I'd offered myself to him sexually, and to my shock, he'd turned me down. Despite my confusion at this unexpected behavior, I'm relieved that he left my room that night. I'd consumed entirely too much alcohol and wasn't thinking clearly.
My appointment is into its final moments, and somehow, despite being mentally absent, I've managed to give my patient some vague advice. I apologize for my unprofessionalism, lying about some patient emergency that I was informed of just before she was due. I reschedule another session in the next few days instead of the normal two weeks and tell her that there will be no charge for today.
I straighten my desk and leave for the rest of day. I'm looking forward to a relaxing evening at home, where I can hopefully decompress and clear my mind.
I stop in my tracks as I reach the parking lot. Jake is leaning against his car. He's been trying to contact me in every way since Miami.
He's unshaven and looks disheveled. The dark circles under his eyes, a clear sign that he hasn't been sleeping well. For a second, his state tugs at my heartstrings. It's short-lived when I recall how we got to this point. I still myself and make my way to my car without acknowledging him.
"You look beautiful."
I scoff and turn to scowl at him.
"You look like shit." I open my car door.
"I guess it describes the way I feel. Bella…. please don't ignore me…"
I pull up and slam the door shut.
"What do you want from me, Jake?"
"A chance to explain." The regret on his face is unmistakable as he approaches.
I hold my hand up to stop his advance.
"There's nothing to explain. You were unfaithful. I won't accept it. Deal breaker."
"We didn't sleep together, Bella. We didn't, I…"
"You must think that I'm the most stupid woman on the planet. Let me explain something to you, Jake. You lied to me. You went to great lengths to have me believe that you were back in Chicago when you were actually still in Miami, plotting and scheming to screw another woman. I caught you both with your clothes off; you didn't have sex because I interrupted you. Everything about it was deceptive and manipulative. It's cheating."
His face falls, and he looks even more pathetic than he did before.
"Bella, I made a mistake."
I pinch the bridge of my nose. "There are no mistakes; only choices and decisions. You made bad ones, and they cost you. We're over." I open my car door, get in and start the engine. Before I can pull off, he's kneels at my window.
"We love each other. You can't just walk away from that."
"Watch me." I shift the gear.
"For the record, I don't think we've loved each other for a long time now. We haven't used the word in years. And what you did, certainly is not based on love. Goodbye, Jake." I drive off; the image of him fading in my side view mirror.
.
.
.
"So…. I met this guy, and we're supposed to be going out." She huffs as she pedals.
Rosalie and I have met up at the gym after work. We haven't seen much of each other since Miami. I thought it was a good idea for us to hangout. She's my best friend and knows me better than anyone. I feel bad that I'm keeping her in the dark about things that are going on in my life.
"Who is he?"
"His name's Emmett. I met him here a few days ago, he was playing racquetball with another guy. He approached me, and I gave him my number. He's extremely gorgeous."
"Wait…Emmett? That's the guy who owns that pub we were at a while back! Remember? His name is plastered across the front in neon lights."
"Oh, shit! You're right!" She stops pedaling and covers her mouth in surprise.
"Oh, my, God Rosalie. He's Edward's brother!"
'I remember you…. the night at my brother's pub.' His voice echoes in my head.
Rosalie frowns at me in confusion. "Edward. Who in the hell is…. Oh. My. God!"
"Yeah! It's his brother!"
"I don't give a crap that they are brothers! When in the hell did he become 'Edward?'
I freeze then bite my lip sheepishly.
"Uh-uh, we need a twenty minute break so you can tell me what the hell is going on." She dismounts the bike, wraps her towel around her neck and waits for me to follow her to the exercise mat.
I guess now is as good a time as any to bring her up to speed.
As we pretend to be stretching on the mat, I tell her about the events as they occurred. When I get to the part about Jake and Tanya, she spits a string of colorful curse words and stands abruptly, vowing to tear Tanya' hair out and shove it down her throat. What she has in store for Jake goes beyond repeating. I feel sorry for either of them, should they run into her.
I pull her down onto the mat and tell her to calm herself by counting backwards from fifty. When she's done, I tell her about what happened between Edward and me, and her eyes nearly drop onto the mat.
"Oh, Bella." She buries her face in her hands and shakes her head in contempt. "What are you doing? You warned me about this guy in the beginning. What the hell are you doing!"
"Please don't judge me. I'm telling you this because you're my friend. Don't make me sorry that I confided in you." It comes out more harshly than I intended.
Her hands drop from her face, and she looks at me with a hurt expression.
"I'm not judging you. I'm just worried. The minute I saw the way you looked at each other in Miami, I knew that there was something going on. It's clear what his feelings are for you. What I'm concerned about are your feelings for him."
I look down at my hands in my lap. If I look at her, she'll see something in me that I've been trying to hide for some time now. I'm beginning to care for Edward.
"Bella?"
I feel like I'm fourteen years old again, sitting on my bed back in Florida, with my mom explaining boys to me. I look back up at her hazel eyes, so full of concern.
"Are you falling in love with Doctor Masen?"