I hope you all enjoy! And don't worry about Suzuha.
Yato had thought being stabbed, leaving Hiyori, killing Sakura had been the most anxiety-producing times in his life but somehow this moment ranked, making the sweat break out in his palms and the back of his neck. It was Yukine that exited first, his eyes following his shoes rather than where he was going, compelling Yato to stand and plant his hands on the younger boy's shoulders. "You OK?"
"Yeah, whatever," Yukine shrugged him off and slowly brought his eyes up. "Your turn."
"Yeah," he murmured weakly. "Maybe you should go home, hang with Hiyori."
Yukine blew some air between his lips and then sharply shook his head. "No, I'm waiting for you."
"Yato?" Dr. Maeda had waited for the exchange, watching the two men and their body language carefully. "Today's the day, correct?"
"Yes." Yato felt that sharp twinge of fear, his hackles raising without a real reason. Sayuri knows him, trusts him. You can't have secrets anymore.
"Come in, then, please." Dr. Maeda swung his arm, motioning into the office Yukine had just vacated.
He felt like running, grabbing Yukine and making for the hills because this was just above and beyond what he was capable of but… it was for her. For them. For his family. "Yukine's staying to keep me honest but I can't guarantee I'll do much more than smile and nod for the next hour." Yato tried to drop himself as nonchalantly as he could into the couch and he even considering throwing his feet up for added flair.
Dr. Maeda watched Yato move, amusement sparkling in his eyes. "Well, the first meeting is usually even. I'll ask you a lot of questions and you should answer as best you can." He sat in the leather armchair opposite the couch and picked up a notepad off the desk before settling it on his knee. "First, how old are you?"
Yato shrugged, "Sorry to disappoint, but I don't actually know. Some days it feels like a million years old but it's probably somewhere closer to twenty."
Dr. Maeda nodded as if this was an understandable issue before continuing, "Your mother, how old is she? What is she like?"
"Strike two," Yato let a weak laugh part his lips. "I think I remember her being sick, but Father told me she died when I was born."
"Your father, then?"
Yato mimicked the sound of a bat cracking a ball followed by a long, driving whistle, eliciting a bemused smile from Dr. Maeda. "Father doesn't-" he cut himself off with a delirious laugh. "Didn't. He didn't have an age, either, really, just existed. But he's dead now. Past tense."
"And he was a cult leader, correct?" That sentence should have come in a tone of shock and abhorrence but Dr. Maeda delivered it with a cool Yato couldn't process.
Yato struggled with wanting to edit and add since that word fell flat, but there weren't enough intricacies. "Sure, that's close enough. I guess Yukine has already gone over some of this."
"Yes, but hearing it from you is also important," Dr. Maeda seemed to dip into seriousness his, his eyebrows narrowing for just a moment. "You said he passed."
The tremble started in his stomach and twittered up into his chest, making his throat almost close against the words. This should be easy. I killed him. I killed him. I stuck a piece of metal in his throat and watched him bleed out. "Safe space, right?" his voice warbled out.
Dr. Maeda nodded, "Whatever you say doesn't leave this room."
"I killed him." It felt like all the air had left the room and he struggled with the breath to feed the next sentence. "I had no choice." Yato watched for the reaction, gauging it against his need to run.
Dr. Maeda only nodded again, not even a change in the frequency of his blinks before asking the next question. "Was he the first person you've killed?"
"No," Yato croaked.
"When did that start?"
That question caught him like a wave, threatening to pull him under where air wasn't a possibility. "I was young. I don't know how old but I killed… a girl when I was probably about five." A girl. A girl. Say her name. Say her name and relive the guilt of what you did.
"Did you know her?"
Another crashing, crushing question in the riptide. Say her name. Say her name. "Sakura. I loved her."
"That must have been difficult." Dr. Maeda didn't make this a question, letting the comment swell over the boy he knew he was battering from the beginning. Sayuri had told him this wouldn't be easy and he hadn't exactly doubted it because watching a man break is never comfortable, simple.
"She asked me to," that voice felt alien, complaining and scared, begging for forgiveness for something he'd told himself a million times he didn't need forgiveness for. "She begged me and I had to, I had no choice."
"That's the second time you've said that, that you don't have a choice. Is that usually the situation you find yourself in?" Dr. Maeda leaned forward in the chair, hands steepling over the notebook.
"I do what I'm asked to do." This did feel more like him, but at the same time, Yato was terrified of the truth in those words and the ones he was about to let loose, "I do what I have to, what I think people need to be happy. Even with Father, I killed for him so he'd be happy. I killed Sakura to free her so maybe she could be somewhere else where she could be happy. I killed Father… so Hiyori could be happy."
This did elicit the raising of an eyebrow from Dr. Maeda. "Hiyori asked you to kill your father?"
"No," Yato groaned as he rubbed a hand over his eyes, hiding his want to cry. "But if I was going to give her what she really wanted, some kind of life with me, that meant he had to not be available to control mine. Fujisaki and Nora included. All of my past had to go."
"How long have you known Hiyori?"
While this question felt like a breath of fresh air, Yato was weary, sure that it was a false reprieve. "At this point, almost a year."
Dr. Maeda seemed to scribble something down, building onto Yato's anxiety. "And when did your romantic relationship start?"
"Six months after we met," Yato sighed out, letting himself have just one sweet second of reminiscing, thinking of her kissing him. "But I was in love with her since we met. Just… kind of didn't want to admit it."
This seemed to have more of his attention, notes ambling across the page. "Why was that?"
"Why was I in love with her or why couldn't I admit it?" Yato laughed weakly.
Dr. Maeda chuckled in return, "If you're offering the answer to both, then go ahead."
Yato rolled his shoulders as if needing to warm up for that answer. "This'll sound crazy but she was the first person to remember me. Really remember me."
"Could you clarify what you mean, remembering you?" Dr. Maeda hated to interrupt lines of thought but his curiosity spurred him. As far as he was aware, Yato had Yukine, also a pair that Yukine had mentioned, Kofuku and Daikoku that were actively aware of the boy's existence.
"Look, Yukine and I live in another world. We're nothing better than spirits." Yato leaned forward, planting his elbows on his knees. "Regular people, they don't see us, don't notice us because they're not concerned with the world beyond themselves, you know? And they shouldn't be. They shouldn't have to see a murderer with his dead kid side-kick roaming the streets."
"But you consider Hiyori a regular person, not part of that world?"
"No," Yato hesitated, "Maybe, I don't know. She's special. I know that sounds lame like of course, the boyfriend is going to say 'Oh, my girlfriend's special' but she… her heart's too big, that's it. She loves too much, too strongly and maybe that does make her somewhere stuck in the middle." He had to pause and Dr. Maeda let him, Yato running through the words he just said as if they needed to be double-checked. "And I felt like wanting that for myself, wanting her was selfish because me having things… I can't."
"But you agreed to a romantic relationship because…?"
"Because she wanted it." Yato let one of his hands fall, moving to make a fist and dig it in his thigh. "Fuck, that's a lie. Or maybe that's half of it but the other part was me. I went to her room that night, I gave her the opportunity. If I really was set on keeping myself away, I would have cut ties with her the first chance I got. And maybe that means… maybe I didn't kill Father just for her, because it was what she needed. I wanted out, too."
Dr. Maeda sat back in the chair, a frank sort of smile spreading across his lips. "You're fairly introspective, Yato."
"Should I take that as a compliment?" Yato sighed, still digging into his leg.
"You can," Dr. Maeda nodded. "But I'll also say there's a bit of overanalysis. Maybe you spend too much time on the finer details than admiring the entirety of the work."
"You lost me," Yato grumbled.
"You call yourself a murderer." Dr. Maeda pointed with his pen and Yato flinched a little as if the tip had somehow wounded him across the room.
"Because I spent the majority of my life murdering," Yato spat.
Dr. Maeda jabbed again at the air. "But is that entirely what you are? So much so that it should be the only word you use to describe yourself?"
"I…" Yato stumbled.
"You said you do things to make people happy. Has there been other tasks besides murder?" Dr. Maeda tapped the pen back to the paper as if waiting to transcribe the answer.
"Yeah," this was said with a little more strength. "Well, after Yukine came along, yeah."
Dr. Maeda touched his finger to his lips, tapping it there for Yato to count. "That will be your homework until the next time we meet."
"Homework?" Yato coughed out incredulously.
"Yes," Dr. Maeda's smile bordered too much on amusement for Yato to bear. "Before the next time we meet, you should make a list of all the other tasks you've completed."
The sound started but stopped at Yato's Adam's apple, turning into something closer to a throat clear. He pressed that fist into his thigh one more time before sighing. "OK. Is it cheating if I get Hiyori to help?"
"Not at all," Dr. Maeda laughed.
"Fine." Yato stood quickly and jammed his hands into his pockets. "Next week, then?"
"Next week." Dr. Maeda stood and plopped the notepad in his seat. He moved towards the door, opening it with a resistant creak to show a fidgeting Yukine. There was a second body in the room setting the blond boy on edge. "Ah, Suzuha, come in."
Yato made way for the brunette boy who couldn't be much older than Yukine before turning to his charge. "Ready to go?"
"Yeah," Yukine muttered before beating Yato to the door.
"You talk to that other kid?" Yato struggled to keep pace with the boy who seemed to be trying to wear out his soles.
"Yeah, making friends in your therapist's office, great idea," Yukine added an eye roll in Yato's direction as if the sarcasm wasn't enough.
Yato shook his head with an exasperated sigh. "Just making a friend would be a great idea. You start school next week and it might be good to have some kind of cushion before you come in."
"And being friends with the crazy kid would be the perfect way to start." Yukine was trying to hold strong to his sass but it was wavering, some leftover emotions cracking through his voice.
As they hit the street Yato contemplated even bothering to continue the conversation, risking nosy neighbors and the wrath of a cheeky teenager. After being ripped apart by Dr. Maeda he wasn't even sure he wanted to continue talking at all, but with a sigh, he offered up the only thing he knew would flip Yukine's mood. "I got homework."
Yukine stopped short, throwing a guffaw over his shoulder. "Homework? Seriously? Does he not realize you're a slacker?"
Yato used the opportunity to throw an arm around Yukine's shoulder, comforted by the fact that the boy didn't instantly throw him off and continued walking in stride. "If I do it, do you think I get extra therapy credit? Because I'm pretty sure my grade is shit right now."
"You don't get graded," Yukine sighed out the obvious. "But you told him everything he wanted, right? It's not going to work if you just bullshit."
"I did," Yato frowned down at the younger boy. "Definitely didn't want to, but… well, you know. I'm going to get better, for you guys."
"For Hiyori," Yukine corrected.
"And you," Yato couldn't stop himself from gripping Yukine's shoulder a little tighter. "When we met, that's when I made the first big change. You're just as important and you deserve just as much out of me as she does."
Yukine bowed his head, leaving his face obscured. There was no reason to push him and instead, Yato just found himself sliding his hand from Yukine's shoulder to his head, ruffling his hair before giving the boy space. While the rest of the walk home was quiet, the arrival home seemed to lift both of them. Hiyori had been waiting on the doorstep, her eyebrows furrowed until she saw both of them at the end of the walk and the elated smile took her face.
"Welcome home!" She chimed before catapulting herself into Yukine's arms.
He welcomed her touch, weakly sinking into her and letting his head rest on her shoulder. "Glad to be home," came out as a half-hearted mutter from Yukine.
"I made sukiyaki," she offered hopefully, a hand running over his hair.
"Then I might survive." Yukine pressed his face into her shoulder for just one extra moment. As he pulled away, much to the surprise of all on the doorstep Hiyori grasped his cheeks and planted a delicate kiss on the crown of his head. "Hiyori," he tried to make it sound like a complaint but it was a little too squeaky.
"Go in and wash up," she finished maternally, turning him towards the door and out of her way of Yato. She waited for the clomp of his feet in the foyer and down the hall before placing a soft hand on Yato's chest. "How did it go?"
"Fine, mom," Yato grinned. "I think you almost gave him a heart attack."
"He needs love, Yato," she rolled her eyes. "And maybe acting like a mom is what he needs. I'll give it a shot until he tells me he hates it. But, really, how did it go?"
Yato sighed, "Don't I get a kiss? Get to go in and wash up and have sukiyaki before I'm interrogated?"
"No, spill." Hiyori crossed her arms and tried to hide the amused smile by pressing her lips together.
He placed a hand at each of her elbows, pulling her a little closer to mimic her action to Yukine and kiss the place where her bangs started. "He asked a lot of questions. I gave him all the truthful answers I could. I got homework that I've been given permission to have you help me."
"Homework?" Her laugh wasn't half as hearty as Yukine's reaction but still amused. "What's the assignment?"
"Later," Yato muttered before pushing her through the doorway step by step. "You can help me with it tomorrow. Not exactly feeling up to it right now."
Hiyori dug her feet in as soon as they hit the hallway and pressed her hands into his chest. "Are you alright, Yato?"
He shrugged and found himself mirroring the frown that motion elicited from her. "No," he groaned out at the honesty. "I'm opening up old shit that…" The words stuck in his throat as he looked into Hiyori's eyes sparking up to him, for a moment reminded of what he had said and finding that, yes, she was seeing him, only him, just as he was. "Tell me you love me."
"I love you," she replied without a second of hesitation. Hiyori brought her hands to his face, pulling him in to give him a whisper of a kiss. "Whatever it is, you know I love you."
"It's stuff that reminds me that I still have a lot of work to do," the words felt stiff but right. "Now, can we eat? I'm starving." The last part he was still too exhausted to say but she let him get away with it, turning from him to start the walk to the kitchen. Yato refused to let her get completely away, taking a quick step to wrap his arms around her waist, shuffling the two of them together awkwardly down the hall.
"Let go," she laughed as she attempted to unlatch his hands. "Yato!"
He pressed a kiss to the crux of her neck, sighing there for just a moment before relinquishing his hold. "Meet you there."
Hiyori split with him, her turning towards the kitchen while he left to wash up. As she entered, Yukine was already puttering around and she directed him to start the slow migration of food from the counter in the kitchen to the dining room. By the time everything was arranged Yato had joined them and the quietest dinner in the history of that house started. While Hiyori shared what she could of her day, both of the boys were uncharacteristically mute, mouths doing nothing more than chewing food and accepting breath.
She gave up trying to pry words or thoughts from them, letting Yato and Yukine float through the evening silently. Even when watching TV there wasn't the usual banter, the added amusement of the two sharing quips about the entertainment on the screen strangely absent. By the time they got ready for bed, Hiyori was almost sure she would need therapy if this gloom continued, feeling strangely strained and uncomfortable as she slipped between the sheets next to Yato.
He was pretending to sleep and held onto that illusion until she pried it from him, her fingers pulling, wrapping around him in the darkness. "Yato…"
"I'm sleeping," he muttered.
"You are not," she sighed. "Are you going to tell me?"
"About what?" He knew playing dumb wasn't going to work but that didn't mean he wasn't going to try. He lifted one lid just in time to be met with her face frowning down over him as she brought herself up on her elbow, one hand gathering the fabric of his shirt at his chest.
Hiyori only stared, battling with herself about what she was asking for. The homework, was her first instinct, but he'd promised that for tomorrow even though with enough begging she could probably get it tonight. What did he say, what did Dr. Maeda ask, what was he feeling, why was he quiet, why was Yukine quiet, why, what? It was a dizzying rush of questions and she pressed her head desperately to his chest, her cheek resting on her fist.
"Hiyori…" her name came out with a sigh and Yato wrapped his arms around her. "What do you want to know? If it's what I did… what I've done you have to ask me. I don't think I can just tell those stories on my own." It wasn't just his voice shaking by the end but he could feel his body tremble under hers, a strange sensation of weakness scaring him to the core. If I let her have this, all of this, what will I get in return? Hatred, loathing, fear? I can't see her loving me, somehow I just still can't.
She lifted her head, "Tell me how I can make you feel better."
A weak cough of air, something that was supposed to be a laugh, spat from his lips and he felt the urge to cry overwhelm him, forcing him to press his fingers to his eyes. "Not sure there's anything in the world that can get that done. I, uh…" his voice quavered and he had to suck in air to stop the flow of tears. "I need time. Time with you, time like this."
"You're not…" Hiyori searched for the right words, her own fear filtering them down. "You don't regret it, do you?"
His hands grabbed at her face while a delirious laugh parted his lips and made any thought of crying fall away. "The only thing I regret is leaving you, hurting you. Me being unhappy isn't you, but I'm not sure I'm going to be able to help it for a while."
Her worried fingers played with his shirt. "Then what do I do for you?"
"Be you," he let a grin part his lips. "Keep reminding me what I'm trying to deserve."
She searched his face wordlessly, hating the way she could see his honesty painted all over it. The worst part of it all was that her words here would be useless, the cry that she wanted to give that he was already worthy, all of her hurts healing slowly just like the hole in his side.