Author's note:

this chapter contains rape and suicide

if you are triggered, this is your warning.

oOo

I woke up in a black space, and stared around in the nothingness.

"Rey?" I called looking around.

I stood, and started walking, wondering. I remembered that I was going to tell her the truth. Her screaming, me trying to protect her, pain. So much pain. Then, I was here.

I heard her then.

At first, it was faint, barely loud enough for me to detect. But, I soon recognized the sound was her crying.

"Rey?" I called again, growing frantic.

I spotted the door to my chamber on the Finalizer, white light seeping through the cracks around it, and stepped closer, her broken sobs growing louder.

The door swung open when I approached it, and I saw Rey standing at the foot of my bed.

Her tunic was ripped, barely hanging onto one shoulder, and I saw scratches down her back.

She turned to face me, and my stomach hollowed out.

Her neck, shoulders, and chest were marked with bruises, bite marks, and scratches. Her bottom lip was cut on one side and bleeding. Her arms were bruised. Her pants and underwear lay in tatters across the rumpled sheets, and she did nothing to cover her nakedness, or the blood that streaked lines down her thighs.

"Rey-" I choked out, my guts churning.

"What's the matter, Ben?" She asked, her voice caustic. "Cant stomach what you've done?"

It felt like the floor was going to swallow me. What I'd done?

No, I wouldn't, I couldnt.

I shook my head. "I didnt-"

"You did." She insisted, holding out her arm.

There was a blackening handprint on her forearm, and I held my hand up next to it, lining my fingers and palm with the bruises perfectly.

And, with my hand upraised, I saw that it was also marked with cuts and scratches. I looked down, turning my hands over, noticing I was also nude, and watched the scratches go up my arms, to my chest, and there was dried blood on my pelvic region.

But, the blood wasn't mine.

I started to shake.

I looked back up at her. I was panting, burning, unbearable heat rising to engulf me.

"I dont give a shit if you are my mate," She bit out, so much venom in her voice it made me flinch. "I will never love you. I will never forgive you for making me seal the Bond."

"Rey, I didnt-" I choked on a sob or a gag, I wasnt sure.

She ignited her lightsaber. Had she been holding it the whole time? "I rather die than be Bonded to you." And she plunged the blade into her chest.

I bolted upright, a scream ripping out of me. "No! Rey!" I looked around, near hysterics, not recognizing the bright room I was in.

Ciir'sae rushed to my side, and held a plastic bin up, holding it for me while I violently retched into it.

"You were dreaming. " She soothed. "It was just a dream."

From her actions, and the tone of her voice, I could tell that this wasnt the first time I'd woken up.

I fell back onto sheets and pillows that were damp with sweat. She put a hand on my forehead and swore.

The pain was everywhere. It was in my head and my stomach, every muscle screamed with it.

"You've been poisoned." Ciir'sae told me. "You've been having those fever dreams for two days."

"Where is she?" I pleaded, my voice cracking.

I felt her hand go over mine. "We'll get her back, you just rest."

I shook my head. "I can't," I groaned. "I have to find her."

I felt a pinch, then a prick on my left bicep and my head fell back, too heavy for me to hold up.

"I have to find her." I said again, before my eyes closed, and unconsciousness took me again.

oOo

When I opened my eyes again, I squinted against the bright light.

The ceiling above me was white. The walls were plastered with tacky, dated wallpaper. There were bags of fluid hanging from hooks above me, with tubes that came down, and were taped to the backs of my hands.

I tried to swallow, and found my throat dry and scratchy.

The memory hit me all at once.

Rey had chosen to stay with me, had sent word back to The Resistance and my mother that she wasnt coming back. And, yet, they'd came for her.

They'd taken her from me.

And, they'd poisoned me to be able to do it.

My body ached, matching the hollow throb in my chest. Our Bond, the bond I'd refused to tell her about, was gone.

Also taken from me.

And, Poe's threat still echoed in my ears. "I'll repay all the horrors you've done to her."

I remembered my dream and shuddered.

That's who they thought I was.

Kylo Ren would have kidnapped her, held her captive, and used her for his own pleasure before killing her just to goad the Resistance.

Of course they'd come for her. Of course they didnt believe her when she told them I wasn't controlling her.

And, I'd never be able to change their minds.

I moved to sit up, and Ciir'sae shot up as well, her bin ready.

I hadnt realized she was in the room.

She looked exhausted, with deep lines of worry on her forehead. Her hair was down, her face was completely free of cosmetics, and she was in a simple pink dress.

She wasnt the Queen. No, now she was the girl I'd grown up with.

I shook my head, telling her I wasnt going to need the bin she held, and she put it next to my bed.

She moved her skirt and sat back down.

"How bad?" I asked, my voice grating against my raw throat.

She hummed. "Broken nose, three broken ribs, and a total of twenty darts, half of which were filled with an unknown poison. I had my doctors work up an antidote, which we administered yesterday. You've been out five days."

"I wasnt talking about me." I coughed, wincing at the pain in my chest and stomach. "Where's Rey? Is she hurt?"

She hesitated before saying, "I dont know."

I set my jaw against the pain and moved to get up. "I have to find her."

Ciir'sae put her hands on my shoulders and pushed me back down. "Do you have any idea how close you came to death?" She demanded. "It is an absolute miracle that my team was able to save you."

"And the people that did this, have her." I told her. "She was shot with the same dart I was. She could be sick, suffering-"

"If you leave now, you'll die before you can get to her." Ciir'sae said, her voice ice.

I laid back, knowing she was right. "I didn't tell her, C." I whispered, looking back up at the ceiling. "The mating bond, I didn't tell her."

"I know." She said, flatly. "From the stories I've heard, and what I've read, if you and her had been newly mated, and another man so much as looked at her, you would have torn him apart."

A mindless barbarian, I'd read.

"Give your body a few days to heal." She went on. "I'll try to find her."

I shook my head against the pillows. "No, my mother knows she was here. She won't tell you where she's taken her."

"Then, how do you plan on finding her?" She asked. "We don't know how long it'll take for your abilities to come back."

My head snapped up. "I thought you said you made an antidote."

"To save your life. " She clarified. "I dont know the effect it'll have on the Force."

I let my head fall back again, and sighed.

No Force. No Bond. And, she could be anywhere.

I didnt even know where to start.