Worship of the Gods
Because true belonging only happens
when we present our authentic,
imperfect selves to the world,
our sense of belonging can never
be greater than our level of self-acceptance.
– Brene Brown, Daring Greatly
Chapter Twenty: The First Test
Ellie stumbled back to the training barracks feeling rather giddy. She giggled to herself and hiccupped, tasting ale on the back of her tongue. "Oh," she said, "excuse me." Going to bed while the rest of Asgard celebrated the Destroyer's defeat seemed like an unsociable and lonely way to enjoy the night.
After travelling through the Bifrost, slicing a draugr in the stomach receiving a harsh telling off from the Allfather, Ellie quite liked the sound of sleeping. It wasn't just bed which called to her, but something else begged her to return to the barracks. She first felt the feeling when she started her goblet and tried to shrug it off; enjoying Lounn and Naeva's chatty company. Then someone said her voice. It was loud and clear in her head, calling for her.
"Must be going barmy on sleep deprivation," she muttered, wandering through the courtyard. "If I dream of being a botched abortion… a plague on Asgardian life… or a leach on Aelfred's existence… I'll bloody…"
"Intoxication is illegal on training grounds," a guard snapped. Ellie whipped round, staring at the two as they guarded the oak doors. With a scoff, she threw a hand at them. "This is Asgard, drinking is legal in a morgue. Don't lie to me."
"Just hurry up and get to your chamber," he said snippily, earning a frown from Ellie.
"I'm on my way now," she replied with a touch of annoyance. "Christ, give me a moment."
"You've had a moment." He tilted his head, urging her inside with the dangerous prod of his spear. "Inside."
Ellie wanted to tell him that the entire training population had yet to return to the barracks, but his tiresome attitude and pointy weapon were influencing her to give him a punch, not explanatory words. However, she reminded herself that a snappy response was mundane and didn't help at all. Shooting the guard, a sour look, she stormed past him and down the corridor.
The torches were alight, beckoning the trainees into soft slumber. Ellie blinked lazily, staring up at the red flame. It was hot. By the looks of the Destroyer, he was full of fire as well. Were his innards on fire? His liver and heart an ever-burning torch? With a shiver, she stepped back.
Usually, the barracks were pitch black and she was skimming her hands along the walls in an attempt to make it back to her room. It must've been the late celebration. However, there was no noise in the barracks, no echo from the town. It was deathly silent.
Ellie glanced back at the guard, who was now gone. She listened for his breathing, or steps, but there was nothing.
Rounding the corner into the dining hall, she found that empty as well. There were no tables or chairs, only the hanging metal chandeliers which illuminated the room in an eerie red glow. Ellie's boots pattered the floor.
"Hello?" she said aloud. "Helga?"
Ellie had sensed something was wrong the moment she'd been approached by the guard. The unsettling itch only grew as she reached the kitchen door. It was unlocked, slightly ajar so the candlelight spilled onto Ellie's feet.
"Helga?" she asked again, pushing the door open. It creaked.
Inside the kitchen, the ovens were still roaring with fire. There was a full hog turning on a spit, burnt to a crisp nearly and smoking. Ellie squinted as her eyes began to ache. She coughed and held a hand out, trying to will magic to extinguish the flames.
Nothing came to her, she was an empty vessel of power. With a frustrated grunt, she reached for a cleaning pot and threw it into the oven. There was a harsh sizzle and a few pieces of coal spat out onto the floor.
Ellie continued to cough and called out for the chef again. She was sobering up rather quickly now.
A grumble echoed from the dining hall, making her jump. She flinched and turned around quickly, staring at the door she had only just walked through. Ellie reached for a thick carving knife; it had been recently used; slick with oil from a hog's leg.
Hearting pumping loudly in her ears. Ellie reached the door and waited a moment. Her legs were shaking, and she couldn't understand why. Something was warning her, it was like a fog inside of her lungs. She exhaled shakily and stepped into the hall.
The hairs on the nape of her neck rose.
It was crouched in the corner of the hall; a slack-jawed, viscous warg. Thick legs bent into a pounce, the black-haired creature stared at Ellie with red, beady eyes. A long, bloodied tongue slid out of his mouth and licked its bottom lip.
"Aknuk El Vira mismantos knitos eferma litos varom merda," it slithered.
Ellie knew now that it was spell for dark magic. She hadn't known it then, when she was an ignorant philosopher on that bridge. She knew now that the wargs possessed magic similar to hers. With great difficulty, Ellie raised a hand and focused on a candle on one of the tables. She flexed her fingers, willing it to rise into the air.
It wobbled. She couldn't control her shaking form. The warg glanced at the candle and when it realised she had no real control, it sprinted towards her. Thud. Thud. Thud. Snarl.
Releasing the candle from her magical grasp, Ellie slashed the knife in front of her. The warg snapped at her, taking ahold of the blade with its teeth. Yanking her whole arm, Ellie jolted. A shriek tore from her throat.
She fell backwards and smacked her head off the floor. Its teeth sank into her foot. No time to react, the warg pulled her brutally. Slightly dazed, Ellie looked to her side and threw an arm out to grab the knife which had clattered close-by.
With it in her sweaty fingers, she willed her upper body to lift up. A grunt left her mouth as she jammed the knife into the warg's face. It sliced through the bone just below its eye and released Ellie's foot with a yelp. It was similar to a dog as it shook its head, throwing off the blood seeping out of its skin. It also had her shoe.
A red-hot feeling spread up Ellie's leg. She scrambled back, hitting the table.
"Where is the stone?" the warg drawled. Finally able to understand its language, Ellie was even more terrified. It was better when it was unrecognisable, now it's all-language translated tongue could live in her nightmares. "Give me the stone."
Shaking her head, she rose shakily to her feet. "I don't have it."
"You have the stone." It dove and took her tunic in its jaws. "Give it to me."
Ellie wanted to scream that he could have it. He could take it if he pleased; if it meant he would stop hurting her. However, she knew that the light elves would be doomed forever. Also, disappointing Frigga would tear her heart apart. The warg released her and took ahold of her arm, ripping the sleeve. .
"I long to be true to Your Word," Ellie screeched, grappling the stone floor with her bare nails. "Pray that you love me. I will give you praise and glory – and love! Help me, help me, God. Help me."
Ellie's other hand took hold of a steak knife off the floor. With a screech, she drove the knife into the top of the warg's skull. She wanted to blind it, hurt it and send its soul to Hel. The creature stumbled back and Ellie watched as its torn skin began to stitch itself, flesh crawled over the stabbings like spiders.
With the seconds she had to spare, she clambered onto a table and began crawling up a giant tapestry, trying to reach the windows. The warg to control the doorways, but she had been treating the roof of the barracks like a playground for months. Her feet hooked onto the jutted out stones behind it and she was grateful that her training attire was as useful as she was discovering it to be.
As her fingers ghosted the ledge of the window, the warg jumped up and held her with its giant paw. It pushed her against the wall, pressing her face into the tapestry. Her nostrils filled with the stench of musty wool and dust.
"Fuck," she hissed, eyes wide with fear. The warg stilled, pressing into her testily. With a loud grunt, she pushed from the wall, fighting against the strength of the warg. Bringing a foot up, she leveraged herself up and scrambled onto the window ledge. The cold air was beautiful on her sweaty skin.
Breathing heavily, Ellie stared down at the warg. It looked up at her, its lips wet with saliva. "I'll never give it to you," she spat.
"Give me the stone, Eurelia," it demanded.
She froze, staring down at the warg.
"You said my name," she exhumed breathlessly. The warg almost looked surprised. It jerked back as if her words scolded it. Ellie took an uneven step along the window sill and due to her distracted heart, her foot missed.
With a cry, she fell. The world was a blur of red, yellow and white and as she stared up at the growing canopy, her eyes found blue. Ellie scrunched her face up, awaiting the hard ground.
Her body became weightless, falling like a feather. She silently came to rest against the floor in a foetal position; her heavy breaths the only out-of-touch aspect of the world around her. There were no growls, no guttural words, and no warg. It was like falling asleep.
"Impressive, brother." Thor came into her vision, looking down at her with a thoughtful frown. Ellie stared up at him, going slack-jawed. He was still wearing his tournament clothes and wavered slightly as if full of ale.
"I've always insisted I'm the talented one," Loki replied, appearing beside the blond prince. "Should've been me battling the Destroyer."
"Don't make me laugh," Thor said. "Did you feel anything when she went for your eye?"
Loki shook his head, studying Ellie's sweaty form. "Not a thing. She was rather aggressive at moments, wasn't she?"
"Pity. You didn't even feel a tickle?" Thor prodded Loki in the side, an amused grin lighting up his face. "Not an itch? I can re-enact it now." Continuing to poke his brother, Thor and Loki laughed in unison.
Ellie struggled to sit up. The brothers moved immediately, offering their hands. With an icy hiss, she refused them both and clambered to her feet. Her body wobbled, aching from her wounds and trying to flush out the remaining adrenaline. She stared at Loki.
"How dare you," she hissed. The smile slid from his face, as did Thor's as they were addressed with venom. "I told you those things gave me nightmares for weeks. And you used it to – to laugh at me?"
It took all the strength she had in her not to burst into tears. She turned on her heel and stormed out of the hall. The torches had begun to burn low, obviously the lighters had been commanded away from the training quarters. Other warriors were not in sight. Not even the sound of their laughter accompanied Ellie as she thundered down a corridor.
Her chamber was dark when she opened the door. She struggled to light the match and instead hurried to open the window. She threw open the wooden shutter and expelled a heavy sob. The vast city outside was dimly lit and silent. Her breath caught in her throat.
How foolish I was to believe I could do this. She wondered whether Loki would've ripped her throat open to prove that point.
Something stirred behind her, and a figure entered her room.
Ellie nearly screamed, but a hand came to her mouth, clamping down on the sound. His fingers were smooth against her cheek; they were cold and slender. "Stop this foolishness." His voice was velvet, cutting through the heavy air.
Outside of her room, guards began to chatter casually again. Thor's booming laugh echoed from the hall and the hand slipped from her face.
Ellie saw the raven-haired prince for all he was, the high cheekbones and intense stare. The royal blood which channelled through his every being. The moonlight shone on him, leaving her in the dark.
"Yes," she said, too distraught to conjure much else. "Yes, it is foolish."
"I should have realised you would soon figure out the illusion." He nearly laughed. "We spend far too much time together for my liking."
"You tricked me."
"I tested you on the orders of my father." His face became still.
"You hurt me."
"Did I?" His eyes fell to Ellie's perfectly healed bare-foot. There was not one wound on her. "You exist to do this task." He discarded the shoe he had bought with him to return to Ellie. "How you feel have nothing to do with it."
Ellie felt it had everything to do with it.
"I trusted you with how I felt about them. The nightmares I've… every night they're with me. And you –"
"They look monstrous because they are monstrous. You have wasted days praying for strength to overcome it all, have you not? Why is your God not giving you your wish?" Loki's figure towered over Ellie. She was shrinking in all aspects of her being and had little time to even protect an ounce of whatever dignity she had left.
"Why did you come here?" she asked, trying to press further into the windowsill.
"You promised to save their lives."
"And can't you see? I can't," she said. "I am terrified."
"Everything scares you," he spat. Raising a hand, Ellie thought for a blind moment he was going to take her by the throat. Instead, he pressed two fingers to her temple and two to her cheek. He held her with his gaze and the world melted away.
Ellie was falling through his blue eyes. She fell through blood, fire and rot. It swam around her in a blanket of choking darkness. And there were children screeching. Trees blossomed like poppies, only they were red with flame and turning to ash. Beyond that, she saw Freyr clutching the dead bodies of his children. He held a faceless woman with one arm, sobbing until blood poured from his eyes.
Loki yanked her out of the illusion. It was too jarring. Ellie turned and vomited out of the window. She panted into night and began sobbing.
"Everything scares you and you have to look. You have to look."
The night air masked her nausea, but her vision swam with images of fire. How many burning bodies could one remember? They swam through her memory on a river of nightmares. Ellie could smell the stink of burning and brimstone.
"I teach you," Loki hissed, pulling her back to face him. "You can't be afraid anymore. I teach you so you won't suffer or get hurt." He closed his eyes for a long moment. "You have to look so you can protect yourself." Suddenly, his face transformed. He was a wolf, not a warg, but a thick-skinned black wolf. "You can't be scared."
Her body was tight with fear, and every combat technique disappeared from her mind. She wanted to scream as his hands held her, and his face snarled. Hot breath fanned her face, pushing through her nostrils and throat.
"Loki," she said, her voice small and thin. She couldn't remember what else she wanted to say, terrified he would transform completely and rip her apart. After a moment, Loki's black eyes became azure and his face returned with a word leaving his lips.
Some instinct made her lift her hand and hold her fingers against his cheek. She touched him like he was crystal that had already begun to crack. He was so cold, so smooth beneath her. "Eurelia," he said, his voice a hiss from deep within.
Then he was gone from the room.
Ellie was too hot. Heavenly Father, give me your courage, she prayed, squeezing her eyes together and pushing every ounce of loneliness out of her. It pulsed like a wave and was reborn with desire.
Ellie snapped her eyes open, surging with a ferociousness she once had before. Long ago, on a bridge beneath the stars. Storming from the room, she entered the hall to find Loki and Thor examining the broken canvas. Ellie yanked a dagger out of the table and suddenly, it was flying across the hall.
With a bang, it was lodged into the canvas between Loki and Thor. They stopped still, tensing completely.
"Help me," she demanded, her voice full of passion. "Help me." That human nervousness itched at her as Loki turned around and met her eyes with a steady, unemotional look. Ellie raised her other hand, pointing her finger at him. "You are the only one who can show me what I am."
"And why is that, Midgardian?"
"You hide..." she said, her voice wavering. "You hide behind your pretty voice, your magic and your name. Odinson. And yet, you're the strongest thing in Asgard. You can move mountains, sing to water. You hide..." her eyes blurred as she felt her need unravel. God's prayers could only do so much. "Help me find what's hidden inside of me."
"What if we find nothing at all?"
"You know that's impossible now. I can feel it." Sweat made Ellie's grip slippery. Her body began to quiver. "It scratches inside of me. Like a creature."
Loki stood exceptionally still, staring at her. His brother was confused at their exchange but remained silent and observant. There was a heat in the room which none of them could ignore.
Loki nodded curtly. Slightly embarrassed, Ellie tilted her head to them both and turned on her heel. They could clean up the mess she had caused. In her room, her window was still open and blowing a cool breeze through her.
She leaned against the windowsill and stayed there for several moments. How long she stayed there, she couldn't say. She watched the celebrations disintergrate; the torches distinguish and Asgardians retreat to bed. The trainees slowly crept back to the barracks, filling it with laughter and happiness. Not one shred of evidence was left by Loki or Thor. They had seemingly vanished into thin air to join the parties.
With the silence filled with happy drunkards, Ellie curled up on her bed and dreamed of a black wolf with blue eyes.
References
The Shoe - Cinderella! Don't you just love fairytales?
Aknuk El Vira mismantos knitos eferma litos varom merda - the latin spell from chapter one!