V is for Volatile
"Likely to change in a sudden or extreme way; likely to become dangerous or out of control"
Hogan was tired. He had been out all night, and even though he had gotten a lot of sleep the day before, that did not make up for how strenuous the night had been. And now he had to deal with Marya in the camp. So far she had not done anything too dreadful, and Hogan wondered a little if she was also tired, seeing how late she got back to her spaceship, but the fact was she was still awake and prowling around the camp, sometimes trying to talk with Gruber and sometimes trying to talk with the guards, as various reports from his men indicated. What worried him the most was that she seemed to be bored, and he knew from far too much experience that a bored Marya never led to anything good for him.
Suddenly someone knocked on his door. "Colonel?" came Olsen's voice, "I have some good news."
"Come in," Hogan called back, hoping that whatever it was would actually help them in some way.
The door opened, and Olsen walked in. "Kinch, Carter, and LeBeau just came back. They had one of the duplicates that you told us about with them."
"Edward the Dramatic?" Hogan guessed, since that was the one who kidnapped LeBeau.
"I think Kinch did call him Edward," Olsen agreed. "He also told Carter to go lock him in the cooler."
Hogan sighed. "I guess that is the best place for him, though we'll have to think of something different if Gruber decides to throw anyone else in there. Did Crittendon come back with them?"
"There was no sign of him, Sir. But the others are still in the tunnel waiting for instructions."
"Right. Olsen, take over here. So far Marya has not said anything too important, but if she does, I want to know about it immediately."
"Yes, Sir," Olsen replied, sitting down in the chair Hogan just vacated.
Hogan walked out into the main barracks and over to the tunnel. Dropping down into it, he went to the radio room where he figured they were most likely to wait. Kinch and LeBeau were there, much to his relief.
"Colonel," Kinch said, "we sent Carter to lock Edward in the cooler. He should be back soon."
"Good. LeBeau, I need a report on what happened after Edward kidnapped you."
"He tried to make an American movie using a cast of German women he found. He forced me to stand on a street corner and try to sell their art, and then I was arrested for vagrancy and had to pretend to be on a secret mission from General Kinchmeyer to let me go. And then I found him again, trying to film his movie in the field that was also the ammo dump that Kinch and Carter were trying to blow up."
"He found a cast and camera that fast?" Hogan asked, slightly impressed despite himself.
"He found them all at a place called the Hammelburg Women of Wartime Art Society, but their art was miserable."
"Hammelburg Women of Wartime Art Society?" Hogan questioned. "It sounds familiar. Where have I heard that before?"
"I don't know, Colonel. It doesn't sound familiar to me," Kinch said, just as Carter came into the room, taking off the jacket LeBeau took from the police station.
"I locked him in the cooler, just like you said," he told Kinch. "I made sure it was one of the cells without a tunnel entrance."
"That's good" Hogan said, deciding to think about where he heard about the Art Society later. "Now, I need you and Kinch to tell me what happened after Newkirk, LeBeau, and I left."
"It started when the underground set up a new meeting place at the Hammelburg Dinner Theater. Carter wanted backup, so I went with him. We got there just fine, but Carter ran into trouble inside," Kinch started the story.
"Oh boy did I ever," Carter replied. "I didn't see Sneezy, but Colonel Crittendon was there, and he recognized me. Somehow the stage manager thought we were supposed to perform that night's act, so he locked us in the greenroom until we came up with a performance. You should have seen it, Colonel. We were trying to get thrown off the stage, but those people actually liked it! Why, I bet—"
"Carter," Hogan broke in, "just stick with the basics." Kinch took up the story again.
"What he means is that the only way they could think to get off the stage was to use the trapdoors in it. I was inside by then and helped make sure it was safe, but while I was doing that, Sneezy gave the ammo dump layout to Crittendon, and Crittendon insisted that we blow it up immediately.
"He had us go to a local chemical lab, but the Gestapo got wind of it and stormed the place. We got out without anyone seeing us, but the bomb went off and caught Major Hochstetter in the blast. I called the hospital, and they said he would be there for several days.
"Then Crittendon insisted we leave camp again to take care of the ammo dump. It took longer than expected, and we ran into LeBeau there just after Edward happened to arrive. We had Carter go arrest Edward, and we brought him back here. Crittendon is supposed to blow up the ammo dump in an hour."
"Okay," Hogan said, processing what he was sure was a rapid summary. "What you three should know is that Crittendon was right about there being an alien star ship in a field. Newkirk, LeBeau, and I went there and accidentally brought Langenscheidt. Langenscheidt accidentally duplicated me, and Robert the Romantic," here Hogan had to force himself to say the name without cringing when he realized he was talking about someone who was supposed to be his duplicate, "kidnapped Newkirk to try to find Tiger, and Edward the Dramatic kidnapped LeBeau. Langenscheidt and I were still in the star ship when the alien came back, and get this, the alien is Marya."
If anything good came out of this, it was the chance Hogan had to see his men completely dumbfounded. They believed him. After all they had seen that night, they had to believe him. But it was so unexpected that they could hardly process it.
"What? How is that possible?" Kinch asked.
"She has a disguise that makes her look human," he replied. LeBeau looked faint at the thought that a woman he cared so much about was an alien, and he did not say anything.
"You know," Carter said after a beat, "we've been through a lot of stuff that makes no sense whenever Marya is around. But now everything makes sense if Marya is an alien."
Sometimes Hogan had a hard time understanding where the leaps in Carter's thought process came from, but he had to admit that somehow that just sounded right.
"So what do we do now?" Kinch asked.
"I already had Baker get in contact with the Underground to contact Tiger. I have no idea where she is, but that's where Robert was headed. I was hoping that Newkirk could overpower him and get back here by roll call, but since none of you were back, I had to tell Gruber that all four of you disappeared like Klink."
"And he bought that?" Kinch asked dubiously.
"Langenscheidt backed me up. He was concussed and did not really know what he was saying."
"Speaking of Klink, have we found out anything about him yet?"
"No. Marya said nothing when I asked. I think she didn't know herself. But until he gets back, or until I can think of a good excuse, I'll need you three to hide in the tunnel so no one gets suspicious. Hopefully no one will walk into the cooler and see Edward there. I can't think of how I would explain that one."
"But speaking of Edward, why don't we just give him to Marya? You said it was her spaceship that created him, so maybe she can get rid of him too." Carter's question took Hogan by surprise.
"Somehow I don't think we should trust Marya with that much responsibility. With our luck, she'd adopt him as a partner in crime and start taking him all over Germany with her on those crazy schemes of hers. After what you just told me, I hate to think what would happen if those two teamed up on some half-baked plot."
LeBeau looked like he didn't know whether to protest for Marya's sake or agree for Edward's sake, but Hogan and the others took pity and did not call him on it. Instead Hogan was just about to tell them to go get some sleep in the guest area when he suddenly remembered something important.
The Hammelburg Women of Wartime Art Society had come into conversation just recently. In fact, that was the name of the place where he, Langenscheidt, and Marya sent Burkhalter when they were trying to get rid of him. After what LeBeau said about Edward, he could only hope that nothing bad would come of Burkhalter's visit to that place.
Burkhalter straightened his suit as he stood outside the Hammelburg Women of Wartime Art Society. He was no longer in his general's uniform after an unfortunate incident with a flat tire and a grumpy dry cleaner that put him behind schedule and forced him to wear a civilian suit, but he was confident that once he told the women here his rank, they would welcome him anyway. He was stationed in the area, and if Klink had been sending his guards here on leave, the women would certainly have heard about him by now.
He stepped up to the door and opened it, finding himself in a hallway with a guest book on a table. He moved over to it to see who else had visited this place, but before he got there, a woman stepped out of the room at the end of the hall and eyed him warily.
"Who are you and why are you here?"
The woman was older than General Burkhalter was hoping, but perhaps she was just a cleaning lady, he thought unflatteringly.
"I am General Burkhalter," he said. "It has come to my attention that this place needs a thorough inspection."
Another older woman appeared next to the first and pulled the first aside. "This is not a good time. Everyone is tired after what happened last night," she said quietly, but Burkhalter heard anyway.
"And what was it that happened last night?" Burkhalter asked, already displeased that this place was not living up to his expectations.
"We had an all night art appreciation session," the first woman told him, and Burkhalter could have sworn she was lying."
"I see," he said. "I suppose you can show me some of the art you made?" He pushed his way past the older women into the other room, where he at last saw some younger women in yellow leotards. He supposed they must be practicing some sort of dance, but then they saw him and instantly clustered together, apparently not expecting a stranger to walk into the room. But that was alright. He had a way of getting women to open up to him.
The older women came rushing into the room behind him, indignant and spluttering protests. "What are you doing?" on exclaimed. "Even if you are a general, you are a man who has not been invited in!"
"He did not even sign the guest book!" the other exclaimed.
General Burkhalter turned to the older women, intent on saying something to get rid of them. But as he did, his elbow bumped a drawing on an easel next to him, knocking it to the floor. One of the young women sprang forward horrified, and the others turned to him as though he had somehow betrayed them. General Burkhalter looked more closely at the picture. The peson in it looked somewhat familiar.
"Who is this supposed to be?" he asked. "This is out of proportion, and the face is all blurry. Whoever drew this should not be in an art society."
The young woman looked at him in complete outrage, and for the first time since coming there, Burkhalter wondered if he might have overstepped his bounds. The women seemed to think he had.
"He has insulted my picture of Louis!" the young woman exclaimed.
"Louis has a true appreciation of art!" another replied.
"He is censoring art, just like Edward said!" yelled a third.
"How do we know he is even a general? He is not dressed like one." With that, the women turned their glares fully on Burkhalter, and he did the only sensible thing he could do. He ran.
Burkhalter ran, and the women chased him out onto the street and through the buildings. Unfortunately he had forgotten where he parked his car, and he turned in the wrong direction. There was no chance to go back, so he just had to keep running hand hope he found a place to hide.