A/N: This is the final chapter of A Victor's Ally! I'm already working on the second book, and that will be up soon. If you haven't already, please review! I love hearing what you think of the characters and it's helps improve my writing as well!
It had been exactly three months since my final interview. Three months since I vowed to be the perfect victor and three months since I left myself behind in Capitol. The Victory Tour would begin in a week. I closed my eyes, imagining myself standing in front of a crowd, giving my thanks to the Capitol and everything they had done for me. I expected to feel sick to my stomach, to feel some sort of emotion, but I felt nothing.
The clock on my nightstand blinked 12 AM, a result of a power outage a couple weeks ago. I hadn't felt like fixing it. I never looked at the clock anymore anyway, I lived in a daze where time didn't seem to register with me. The only reason I knew the Victory Tour was in a week was because I received a letter yesterday telling me my prep team would arrive soon.
I swung my legs over the side of my bed, quickly standing upright and ignoring the black spots that clouded my vision. Slipping silently down the stairs, I pulled my hair back away from my face. In the kitchen, my parents and Kit were sitting around the breakfast table. Their voices were low, and while I couldn't hear what they were saying, the way they stopped talking when they saw me gave me some idea of what their discussion was about. They didn't say anything to me as I walked past them; the past weeks had taught them that I wouldn't respond.
I slammed the door of my new house behind me. Across the street an identical house mirrored mine, its bright white picket fence and pale grey coloring the only noticeable difference. Luke's mom stood in the garden, carefully watering her flowers. She raised a hand in greeting, looking at me with an unreadable expression. I must have been up later than usual, because I had never seen anyone else outside when I went for my morning runs. I stiffly raised my hand in response before taking off into a jog.
The sounds of my feet pounding on the pavement cleared my mind. Each step I took forced every thought and feeling out of my body and onto the street. To my right, a beautiful expanse of golden fields stretched out as far as my eye could see. A slight breeze shifted the stalks of grain, causing them to catch and shimmer in the light of the rising sun. It reminded me of my victory dress. I ran faster.
I had no idea how long I ran for, but it quickly got hotter and hotter out, causing me to turn back. By the time I circled back to my house, the sun was high in the sky and I was damp with sweat.
My body was tired, but I was void of emotion. I felt empty. I felt nothing. And I liked it.
When I entered my house, I was slightly taken aback to find Luke in my kitchen. It had been a month since I had seen him. After we had first gotten back from the Capitol, I busied myself with moving my family into our new home. Once things had quieted down, Luke tried to visit, but he grew frustrated with my lack of response. A month ago, he stopped all together, and I thought I had finally lost him. My family urged me to go see him, but I quickly shut them out too.
These people didn't belong in my life anymore. The burden of being a victor was mine to carry alone. Kit, my parents, and even Luke, would only make things more difficult for me. I learned from the best mentor, after all.
"What are you doing here?" My voice was flat, and the question came out more like a statement.
He stood up from his seat at the table, frowning at me the whole time. A small part of me wanted to reach out, to touch his face and make him stop frowning, but I didn't even recognize that part of me anymore. The empty feeling spread further through my body and a creeping numbness entered my legs.
"Your parents let me in. Juliet, I.." The sound of his voice felt like a punch to the gut, but it quickly subsided. I stood still, and kept quiet, waiting for him to say what really brought him here.
"My mom saw you. She said you looked really thin. I just wanted to see if you were okay." A couple months ago, the look of concern on his face would have made my heart flutter. Now, I was empty. Numb.
"I'm fine." I spoke emotionlessly, but I was telling the truth. In fact, I was more than fine.
I tried to walk up to my bedroom, but he stopped me at the base of the stairs. "You're not fine. I'm not blind."
Ducking under his arm, I made my way upstairs. Sitting down on my bed, I began to untie my sneakers. To my annoyance, he followed me into my room.
"I really am, Luke." I took off my socks. "Anyway, your job as a mentor is done. It's over. I won. It's no longer your job to make sure that I'm okay."
He frowned deeper, if possible. I stood up and made my way toward the bathroom. "Jules, I know what you're doing. I did the same thing when I first got out of the arena. I shut off everything, thinking that not feeling at all was better than facing what I had done in the Games."
I stood in the doorway of the bathroom, looking at him with narrowed eyes. "Don't call me that anymore, Luke. I'm not that girl anymore. Just like you're not the same either. You think that there's something 'going on with me', but really, I've just changed. I'm not her anymore. This is just who I am now. Don't you get that?"
I stripped off my shirt, leaving me in my shorts and sports bra. "Now, unless you plan on following me into the shower, this conversation is over."
The last thing I saw before I shut the door was the look of hurt and disappointment on his face.
It doesn't matter. I told myself, and the numbness blossomed across my chest and down to my toes.
We got to District Twelve in the midafternoon. I was already in my outfit for my speech – a pale yellow dress that hung slightly big on me. When I put on the dress the first time, Saffra frowned and muttered about how the measurements were slightly off. I guess Luke's mother was right, I had lost weight. But there was no time to fix anything, and before I knew it I was ushered on stage with a note card in my hand.
Barrick, Luke, Hilda, and my prep team waited backstage, each looking as if they were ready for me to break down on stage. I faced the audience with a smile plastered on my face. In front of me was a large crowd filled of thin, raggedy looking people. Large screens above the crowd displayed pictures of a girl and boy who must have been the tributes for District Twelve during my games. Underneath the screens were large pedestals. The girl's pedestal had a family of four underneath it, a couple and two young kids. The boy's section only held one person, another boy who must have been an older brother.
I didn't even recognize the faces of the tributes. I should have felt guilty. But I hadn't been the one to kill them, and I hadn't even seen them in the arena. Was I in the wrong for surviving?
My monotone voice echoed through the town square as I read from the cards as quickly as possible. When I finished, there was a small smattering of clapping from the audience, but most stared up at me with blank looks on their faces. Barrik ushered me off the stage and behind a dusty, make-shift curtain that separated me from the crowd. Everyone gave me nods of approval, but I stared ahead blankly.
The dinner wasn't much better. We ate bland food and had bland, forced conversation with the mayor and his family. Afterward, I was ushered back onto the train.
The procedure for Districts Eleven was the exact same.
District Ten was a lot harder. Before I was pushed on stage, Hilda gave me a sympathetic look. It wasn't until I was in front of the crowd that it registered that this was Hank and Laurette's district. The pictures of their solemn faces seemed to taunt me. Their eyes bore into mine, judging me for surviving and leaving them to die. I swallowed the lump that was rising in my throat and forced out my speech, thanking the Capitol and giving my apologies for the fallen tributes' families. I wish I had said something to their families, something to express how sorry I was that I survived when they didn't, but by the time I finished my speech the numbing feeling had returned.
The rest of the Districts dragged on. It became such a blur that I no longer knew which District I was in. I stopped focusing on the faces. Every time I recognized one of the tributes, the numbness subsided a bit and the hurt returned, feeling like a punch to my gut. I craved the empty feeling. In District Seven, I pretended not to notice the weeping family underneath the picture of the girl, Hadley, or that Johnny's pedestal was completely empty. I never wanted to feel again what I felt during the Games.
Seeing Moe's family in District Three was the worst. The sad smiles they sent my way almost completely tore down the shields I had up. I barely managed to get through my speech without my voice completely cracking. It only got harder after that. District Two seemed to look down on me, as if they didn't believe I was good enough to have been Victor. District One looked at me with such hatred. I had been the one to kill both of their tributes. Both of which were Careers who trained their whole life to kill me. Yet somehow, I had come out on top.
Before we returned to District Nine, we had one more stop - the Capitol. Hearing Hilda rave about the 'grand celebration' was almost worse than having to attend the actual thing itself.
I woke up the morning we arrived in the Capitol itching to go on a run. Instead, I was forced to sit still for hours while Saffra took new measurements of me and my prep team curled my hair to perfection. Dark makeup was applied to my face, giving me the sultry look that I always seemed to bear when I was in the Capitol.
I sat in a small apartment above the hall where the party was to take place. Saffra entered at last, something small, red, and shimmery draped over her arm. She held out the material to me, an apologetic smile on her face. I held up the dress, my nose crinkling in disgust as I saw how small it was.
"I have to wear this?" It was a short, strappy red dress that looked as if it wouldn't cover more than half my thigh. Saffra sighed, handing me a matching set of red heels.
"It wasn't my first choice, but the President insisted." There was a cutting edge to her voice that made it clear I wasn't to argue. She helped me change into the dress, making a short remark about how she had to adjust it to fit my new measurements. She gave me a long, side-eyed look, as if she were inspecting me. I clamped my mouth shut, just wanting to get all of this over with as soon as possible. When I was deemed ready, Saffra walked me to the top of a tall stair case where I would make my grand entrance. I flipped my hair over my shoulder, readied my smile, then descended down the stairs.
The party wasn't terrible. I didn't have to think too much, just smile and nod along to whoever was speaking to me. I was passed around on the dance floor, but I was used to it by now. My body was moving along to the motions, but my head felt as if it were in the clouds. The only thing keeping me grounded was the pain in my feet.
"Juliet, may I have a word?" I turned to see President Snow, his hand out stretched. I took it slowly, searching his cold eyes for a hint of what he wanted to speak about. I had managed to avoid him for most of the evening, but unfortunately, I couldn't hide forever. He led me to the dance floor, placing a large hand on my back and pulling me closer so we could speak uninterrupted.
"Tomorrow is your birthday, correct?"
I nodded absentmindedly. I had completely forgotten about my birthday.
"Now listen closely," His voice turned cruel, and his fingers seemed to dig into my back. "As a birthday gift to you, I'm going to give you a clear and direct warning. Some previous victors have seemed to, ah, misinterpret what I've told them."
Fear coursed through me and I tried to back up, but he tightened his hold around my waist and continued to lead me around the dance floor. "Some men in the Capitol have taken an interest in you. You will meet with them when you're asked, or you will suffer the consequences. And not just you." He directed his gaze to across the ballroom, where Luke was chatting and laughing with a Capitolite.
The fear got stronger, but I attempted to pull my shield back up. His eyes were twinkling with cruelty, but I narrowed my eyes and held his gaze. "I'll do what you ask," I begin, fire building inside me. "But you don't get to have him anymore. I'll do anything you ask me to, but you have to let him go. No more 'appointments'. Starting tonight."
Snow regarded me with detached curiosity. "Why should I do what you ask of me? If I'm not mistaken, I'm the one with the power here."
I took a deep breath. "Yes, but if you don't, then I won't do what you ask. And you can throw everything you have at me to try and hurt me, but it won't matter. Watching him go through this is worse than whatever else you may have in store. And I'd bet his life on that." Besides my speeches during the Victory Tour, this was the most I've said to anyone in a long time. My throat felt dry, and I swallowed roughly, waiting for his response.
"Very well," He seemed amused. I knew that he had something else up his sleeve, but I was in no position to argue. "I'll send word for you to visit the Capitol when you are needed."
I nodded, bowing my head and looking down at my heels. "Is that all?" I muttered, wanting to get away.
He twirled me around before finally letting go of me. "That's all. Happy birthday, Juliet." The President winked at me before disappearing into the crowd. I wrapped my arms around myself, suddenly cold, and left the dance floor as quickly as possible before I was spotted.
I skirted around the edge of the crowd. Hutch and Hilda were still flitting around, laughing and chatting with people I didn't recognize. Luke was nowhere to be found, and I silently prayed that Snow had kept his word. I was only stopped once or twice more before I was able to exit the ballroom. Kicking off my heels, I took the stairs two at a time to reach the apartment where I would be spending the night. I felt as if I was about to break in half.
When I opened the door, I was surprised to find Luke leaning against the couch.
"I'm sorry if I scared you, the door was unlocked." He stood up straight, clutching something in his hands. His eyes looked unusually bright, and for once he didn't look as if he was waiting for something horrible to happen.
He glanced at the clock, a small smile on his lips. "It's after midnight. Happy birthday, Jules." He held out a small gift in his palm, wrapped roughly in brightly colored paper. His eyes met mine, searching for a response from me.
The walls that I had put up for the past couple months came crumbling down. The numbness completely subsided, and all I felt was hurt. I reached a trembling hand out to take the package, but before I could grasp it, a sob racked my throat and my body curled in on itself. Luke caught me before I hit the floor. He wrapped his strong arms around me, trying to hold my shivering form in place.
Gently, he lowered us to the ground and pulled me closer. Tears streamed down my face, but neither of us bothered to brush them away. Everything I had bottled up inside for months came spilling out. He stroked my hair softly, his own hands trembling.
"It's okay. You'll be okay. We'll be okay." He whispered. I clung to every word, knowing that he was right. "We'll get through this together. You have me, I promise. Always."
Life as a Victor was horrible, but I would get through it. As long as I had him, I would be okay.