I hope everyone had a good holiday! The new year is just around the corner, and a new decade! I hope we're all ready for it. And I hope you're all ready for a new chapter.

This is going to be in Athelstan's perspective, and we're still reeling from the last chapter, it looks like. After what happened, I hope what comes feels like it should happen. Also, this chapter was planned far in advance. These last few chapters all were.

I keep using the word hope, but it's all I've got.

So, enjoy!

Unworthy

Though it wasn't something he wanted, when it was time for the sacrifices and Lilith wanted to watch for Leif's sake, Athelstan gave in just as he always had. He didn't think it was something she needed to see, but she wanted to be there for her friend, and she was adamant that she would be all right. Athelstan had been protecting her for so long that it was difficult for him to let her do things he knew would hurt her. He knew she had to learn, but this wasn't the way he wanted it to happen. And he wanted her to be able to trust him, even if it was becoming increasingly difficult for her to trust the people around her.

She stood at the front with Ragnar and Lagertha through the whole thing, from the first goat to the last horse. She didn't react to any of it, not even when they brought in the first man who would die on the altar. Neither of them were innocent to the sight of animals being killed, even if it had once been for a different reason, but the human sacrifices were especially difficult for Athelstan to watch. For the first twelve years of her life, he'd taught Lilith that all human life was precious. To have to witness so much life being taken away was almost too emotional for him to bear. He could only imagine how it affected Lilith.

And then Leif came through the crowd, ready for his turn on the altar. Athelstan had always seen him for his strength, and for his kindness to Lilith, even if he knew the man was as strong a warrior as Ragnar, if not better. Seeing him this way was painful, and Athelstan almost regretted not being able to take the place the people around him had wanted for him. But then, he saw that not only was Lilith crying for Leif, but she was also holding in enough anger to be shaking noticeably, and he remembered how he'd been tricked into coming here. He remembered how they'd all known and had never told him. And he remembered how strange Ragnar had been behaving since they had left Kattegat. It was enough to keep him from feeling sorry for Leif, no matter how good the man had been to him and Lilith. It didn't matter that he'd been their friend. He'd lied to them both.

Leif looked at them before he lay on the altar, finding Lilith's face and then Athelstan's before he simply nodded and climbed onto the table. As soon as the blade touched his skin, Lilith looked away, held in place by Ragnar's arm for only a second before she pushed him away and hurried to where Athelstan was standing. He caught her just as she threw her arms around him, and when Ragnar glanced back at him, Athelstan only stared back, still angry at this man he'd known for two years.

Because the sacrifices marked the end of the festival, when it was over, it was time to go home. Only a few ceremonial things remained, and Lagertha guided them all back to the hut while Ragnar followed King Horik into the temple. It would take several hours to pack everything up, which meant they wouldn't leave until the next morning. None of that mattered to Lilith. The instant they were back in the hut, she glued herself to his side, refusing to let him leave her even if she knew no one was taking him away anymore.

Lagertha tried a few times, making a modest meal for them to eat and asking Lilith to sit beside her.

"I know it has been a difficult week," Lagertha said as candidly as she could under the circumstances. She ate a bite of her food and took a deep breath. "Soon, we will be home, and you will see Edda again. You're looking forward to that, aren't you?"

Lilith didn't speak, nudging a piece of her food around the bowl in front of her. Her lips twitched tellingly, and Athelstan knew she was doing everything she could not to shout the way she had the day before.

"I know you have missed her this week," Lagertha pressed. "The two of you have become almost inseparable, the same as Gyda and Þórunn. I am very glad now that Athelstan suggested them to keep you company. Gerda and Amma as well. He is so wise. He knows you so well. He knows so much it is a little frightening sometimes."

Barely a second passed before Lilith finally snapped at her. "Well, of course he knows me. He knows me better than anyone. And now it looks like he always will."

Neither Athelstan nor Lagertha could stop her as she shot up from the table and stomped away from the main room of the hut. Athelstan sighed as he sat next to Gyda, and he pushed his food away, leaning over to kiss Gyda's cheek.

"I'll go see about her," he said and stood up to follow Lilith.

The sound of Lilith's cries was easy to follow, and he found her sitting over the bed he'd been sleeping in since they had arrived. With a long sigh, he sat beside her and draped his arm around her, comforting her even if he didn't know how he was supposed to fix what was wrong. He didn't even know if he could overcome it himself, so how could he expect her to do it? So he just sat there and held her until she stopped crying.

Even when that happened, she wouldn't let go of him. He understood more than he probably should, but he knew it couldn't stay like this.

"You don't need to worry anymore, Lili," he whispered as he knelt in front of her to untie her shoes and put them aside. "We're going home tomorrow, and everything will go back to normal."

She huffed. "Nothing will be normal again," she complained. "I should never have listened to Lagertha. I thought she cared about you."

He sighed softly, sitting beside her. "She does," he assured her. "In her own way. And she loves you. I know you're scared, but there's no need for you to be. I promise."

She didn't budge, putting her head down and holding his hand tighter.

"Athelstan," Lagertha said from the door, and he looked up. "Is she all right?"

It took all his strength to stand up and face her. "No, she's not," he said bluntly. "She's angry, and she's terrified, and I don't blame her."

Lagertha looked passed him, watching Lilith before she took his shoulder in her hand. "You must forgive us," she pleaded. "If I had known this would happen, I would not have — "

"What?" he demanded. "You wouldn't have what? Offered me up as a sacrifice in the first place? Withheld that important detail from me the entire time we were traveling here? Fed me and clothed me and cleaned me so it was obvious you already knew what my fate was? Would you have told Lili about the sacrifices if you'd known ahead of time how she would react?"

She clenched her jaw, straightening her shoulders even though she kept her head down. "This was not done to harm her. It was not done out of malice or deception. This was supposed to be an honor for you, because we chose you. I thought what everyone else thought. I thought you had embraced our culture fully. I did not and could not know the Seer would make a new prophecy for you, or that we had made the wrong choice. There was no way to know. How were we to know?" she pleaded with him.

Athelstan tipped his chin up, much taller than her in that moment. "You could have told me. I don't know what I would have done, but at least then, it would have been my choice. You could have warned me that Thyri was going to try to seduce me. And you could have shown me and Lili that the love you had for her meant something to you, that you wouldn't do this because of honor or protection. I had brothers when I was at the monastery, and they all despised Lili to the point of being afraid of her. And they all died. I never really had friends until I came here. I thought that meant something to you. I thought I meant something to you. But I guess I was wrong."

She opened her mouth to say more, possibly to apologize, but he stopped her.

"Please just go," he said and looked away. "I don't want to do this right now, and I don't want to say something that will make me feel guilty. So please, just leave. It is late, and Lili is tired."

Instead of pressing the matter, she bowed her head, looking at Lilith a second time and then him before she nodded and left.

Athelstan sat back down with Lilith, holding her against him for another minute before he whispered to her. "Come on then," he said. "Let's just get some sleep."

She didn't argue, allowing him to lay her down and then turning to him with her head over his chest. When she finally relaxed enough, Athelstan lay awake thinking of what Lagertha said.

Of course, it wasn't solely her responsibility to decide on these things. The free women had more say than the slaves, but in the end, it came down to one person who had the final say in this. That person was Ragnar. That was who Athelstan needed to speak to. And he would do that as soon as he woke the next morning.

Athelstan waited until he could leave Lilith asleep to confront Ragnar. He'd endured watching Leif take his place in the ceremony, and he'd held Lilith all night as she cried at the loss of her friend. He wasn't doing that again, and Ragnar would know that before they left this place. He'd grown to care for Ragnar's family, and these people, and now, he only felt betrayed by them all. Even Thyri with her looks and her attempted seduction had all been to trick him into being sacrificed for their benefit. It didn't matter what Lagertha said to explain or excuse what they had done. None of her words mattered to him now.

He had not confronted anyone in years, not since he'd discovered Lilith's marks and shamed all the men responsible for her suffering. He wasn't making her go through that again. Not even for a new family she had already accepted and loved as much as he did.

Ragnar was sleep-deprived from staying up the night before, but he was still coherent enough to see Athelstan waiting for him outside their hut.

"I will never forgive you for this," Athelstan shouted at him. "Do you hear me? Never. Lili has been through too much, and she has had too much taken away from her. I don't care about your gods or your fame or even the people who follow you like you're the only reason they're alive. I only care about her. She is more important to me than any religion or place or people, and the last people who tried to take me from her all ended up dead. Do you understand that?"

Ragnar barely reacted, but he didn't stop Athelstan from saying what he needed to say. It was quiet and vacant in the grove, so no one was around to see it. Athelstan didn't care if anyone saw him do this. He didn't care if he was still a slave or not, and he didn't care if Ragnar could beat him or kill him. He would make this man who had uprooted both their lives and thrust them into this world without a care understand that it wasn't going to be so simple anymore.

Finally, Ragnar looked at him. "This did not have anything to do with Lilith," he said, but it wasn't an apology, or even the beginning of one. "You might not care about our gods, but I do. And this was not done to harm anyone. This is how we do things here. You have lived here long enough to see that. What has changed?"

Athelstan exploded. "What changed is that you all brought me here to be ritually sacrificed like a common animal! You all tricked me into coming here, and not once did any of you take a moment to tell me why you wanted me here." He grabbed Ragnar's jerkin, lowering his voice. "You had every opportunity to tell me this was happening. And I trusted you. I trusted all of you, and now all I feel is that I've been used and betrayed, and I never thought I would ever feel that again. And it is because of you. Leif probably knew what was happening, and that's why he volunteered so quickly when the Seer said you couldn't sacrifice me. I thought I had earned your respect and your trust, but clearly, I was wrong. Clearly, the only thing I ever was to you, to any of you, was expendable." Ragnar almost growled when he said that, trying to argue, but Athelstan wouldn't let him. "I will not have that," he shouted. "Are you listening? I will not have it!"

"This was not done to you," Ragnar countered. "This was done for us all. Is that not how it is done for your God? Making sacrifices for the greater good. Giving up things that matter to you to please your God. That is why you were chosen. It was not because you were expendable. It was because it was a sacrifice for us all. Especially for me. Don't you see that?"

Athelstan shook his head. "No, this wasn't for any of them. This was for you, and you alone. And don't you dare try to use my God to justify this. Don't. Don't think I don't know what the Seer told you. Don't think I don't know that you don't believe Lagertha will bear you any more sons! I know all of it. And I have known you long enough to know how you think. To know how this place works. How you all demand sons and sell off your daughters to the highest bidder. Lili is not yours to do that with. She is not some common whore to bargain land or riches with! She is m–"

"She is what?" Ragnar challenged. "She is yours? And you say she is not property."

"That's not what I meant, and you know it!" Athelstan bellowed. "She is mine, but not in the way you're thinking. I do not own her, nor does she own me. But she is mine, and I am hers, and I will not have anyone taking us apart again. Not even you. None of you will ever take her from me, or me from her. I wouldn't expect you to understand, and I don't care if you have what you think are good reasons for any of this. Why did you not tell me? I want to know."

"Would it have made a difference?" Ragnar questioned, and it now looked like he was struggling not to react to Athelstan's words.

Slowly, Athelstan let go of him, backing away a few steps. "I don't know," he admitted. "But you should've asked. You should've known. You should've seen. And it's because you didn't that Lili's hurting right now. She won't let anyone near her but me, and it is your doing. Why didn't you say something?"

"Because I did see," he revealed. "And I did know. And I should have asked. You are right. It was my decision to proceed, and I should not have done so without first consulting you. But I knew what your answer would be, and I was responsible for more than just you in this. I did think of myself, but I also thought of my children and my people. Whether you believe me or not, that includes you and Lilith. This was not to get rid of you or separate you from her. This was meant to be an honor for you. That you of all people would be the one to save us. To save me."

Athelstan shook his head again. "You can't do it, can you?" he demanded.

"Do what?" Ragnar almost mocked.

"You can't apologize. You can't say you're sorry for putting either of us through this."

"I am not sorry for my choices," Ragnar stated plainly. "I have never been sorry for the choices I have made. For example, I am not sorry that I brought you here when I did or how I did. If I had not, I would not have gained a daughter and a friend. And I do consider you a friend, Athelstan. No matter what you might believe to the contrary."

"So how am I supposed to trust you now?"

Ragnar stepped closer, taking Athelstan by the shoulders. "You will trust me as you always have. I did not tell you for a reason. And one day, you will know what that reason is. Whether you believe me or not, I do respect you. I care for you a great deal, my friend. And I know it will not help for me to say that I was outvoted, so to say. And though I did not want to lose my friend Leif, he made his choice. And it benefitted us both." He sighed softly, letting go. "I will be leaving here with King Horik's men to travel to Götland and deal with an important matter. You will return home with my family, and I am sure that you will care for them as you always have. For I know how much you love my children, and I will trust that this will not change that."

Athelstan stared for a few seconds, realizing that while he was being heard, it didn't change anything. He clenched his fists, taking a deep breath before he spoke. "I would never let anything happen to Bjorn or Gyda. I love them like they are mine. This is not about them. This is between you and me. And you can try and make me forget about this, but it won't work. I will never forget this. And I will never forgive you for hurting Lili."

He didn't let Ragnar speak again, turning and walking away so what he'd said was the last thing spoken.

Athelstan wandered through the grove until the sun was peeking over the horizon behind the temple, thinking of everything Ragnar had said and the way he'd said it. He thought about Lagertha and how she had at least looked remorseful, and he knew while he hadn't overreacted, this was just what they did. He'd learned enough about that in the last 24 months, but it did nothing to improve his mood. It did nothing to change how he felt.

He realized he had to return to their hut when he saw groups of people from other towns packing up to leave, and though he didn't want to face Lagertha or Ragnar just yet, he had to make sure the children were ready to go. So he trudged through the grove as it filled with people again, arriving at the hut just as Lagertha was packing away the blankets they had brought with them.

She glanced at him as he stepped inside, but she said nothing, going back to her task without a word. Athelstan stepped back to where he'd been sleeping, finding Lilith there with Gyda also packing what she'd brought with her. When she saw him, she stopped what she was doing and rushed to him.

"Athelstan," she cried. "I woke up and you were gone."

He sighed softly as he held her. "It's all right. I just needed some air. Are you almost finished packing?"

She nodded, and he nudged her away, looking at her as he spoke. "Make sure you don't forget anything. It's a long journey home, and we won't be able to come back."

She nodded a second time, turning back to where she and Gyda were packing up the small things they'd both brought.

"Gyda, that goes for you as well," he said, and she glanced at him, staring only a second before she smiled and nodded.

It took Athelstan no time to pack what he'd brought, since it wasn't much, and he rolled up his bed so he would be able to carry it back to the boat. He finished quickly, stepping back into the main room where Lagertha was still packing.

"Where's Bjorn?" he asked.

She hesitated for a minute before she spoke. "He has chosen to go with his father to Götland," she said. "We will be going back to Kattegat on our own. I hope that will be all right with you. I will need you to help me with Gyda and Lilith while we're walking back to the boats."

"Of course," he said quickly. "I'll help however I can."

"Good," she said and nothing else.

She went on in her packing and didn't look at him. Athelstan took a breath and sat at the table in the middle of the room.

"May I talk to you about something?" he inquired.

Finally, she turned to face him, hopefully seeing how conflicted he was as she put down what was in her hands to sit with him. "Of course. What is it you wish to talk about?"

For a few seconds, he struggled to find the right words, not wanting her to get the wrong idea about what he had to say. "The first time I had to leave Lili at the monastery, she was ten years old. And for ten years, I had basically been the only person she trusted. I had cared for her and taught her and loved her in a way none of the others there did or could have. And when I left her, it hurt her even if I didn't mean for it to. The abbot there, Father Cuthbert, wasn't cruel. But he was set in his ways, and he didn't like disobedience. So when she disobeyed him even a little, he punished her. And she suffered something I never wanted her to."

She nodded just once. "I saw her scars," she acknowledged. "You told me of how he punished her. It still angers me to think of it."

"Well, yes," he said, pausing and glancing back to where he'd left Lilith before he went on, "but more than that. I never wanted her to be lonely. She didn't have anyone besides me to keep her company, and when I was gone, she was alone except when she was learning to read or write. I wanted her to have someone her own age to talk to and play with, and I could never do that. Not how she wanted me to. For two years, Father Cuthbert sent me on missions. It's how I learned your language and was able to teach her. So I can't say it was time wasted. But he also did it to separate me from her. That's how he punished her. He cared more about keeping me pure and incorruptible by making sure I was nowhere near her, than he did about giving her compassion and companionship. And every time I came back from a mission, she clung to me even tighter.

"The last time I came back, I'd been gone for nearly a year. And Father Cuthbert would've sent me away again had I not realized why he was doing it. I had missed a year of her life, and I knew it would continue unless I put a stop to it. So that is what I did. I knew after a year of being away from her that I could not do it again. She had become such a big part of my life, and without her in it, I found it almost meaningless. It scares me sometimes, but after this, only leaving her scares me more than how much she means to me."

Slowly, Lagertha reached for his hands, taking them both in hers as she spoke. "It is very clear that you love Lilith and would do anything for her," she said. "And I am sorry that I made you doubt that I love her as well. You brought her to us, and you asked Ragnar to bring her into our family, and for that, I will always be grateful. I never wanted you to feel as though we did not care for you as well. You have become such a great source of comfort and friendship to me especially. And Lilith is so precious to me. You are as much a part of our family as she is, Athelstan. And you always will be. You have my word."

Even though he didn't believe it was necessary, Athelstan still squeezed her hands with his and bowed his head. "I'm sorry for how I acted last night," he said softly. "I have not been so angry in over two years, and I didn't know how else to dispel it. I do love Lili, and I would do anything for her, but I didn't mean to react the way I did. Forgive me."

"You have done nothing to be forgiven for," Lagertha assured him. "If you will recall when we first met, I threatened you with bodily harm at the notion of anything happening to my children. I would expect nothing less from you for the sake of yours."

Athelstan laughed softly, almost correcting her, but he knew it was the best way she could listen to what he said and understand what he meant. And everyone said it was true that he behaved like Lilith was his, so perhaps it was for the best. Maybe that's what he would do to keep her safe.

Lilith and Gyda came into the room a moment later, carrying their own beds and small satchels of their journals. Athelstan stood to greet them, and then Lagertha did, urging them forward to her open her arms. Lilith went slowly, but she did so without having to make sure it was all right with Athelstan.

"My girls," Lagertha greeted. "Your brother has chosen to go with his father to Götland, and so it will be you and me and Athelstan on our journey back home. But we will be together. That is all that matters. Yes?"

Both Gyda and Lilith nodded, and Lagertha stood up. "It is quite a walk back to the boats. Again, I need you both to wear your boots for the journey."

They both sat down to find their boots and the entrance to the hut flew open, allowing Torstein and Arne inside.

"Time to go!" Torstein bellowed as he laughed. "Do you need any help with anything in here?"

Lagertha gave him and Arne the rolled up beds that would be used for sleeping, and they took them without speaking, though they both looked in Athelstan's direction just once before they left the hut with their bounty to do what Lagertha had asked.

Ragnar didn't make an appearance until it was time to leave the grove, coming toward them with Bjorn as he smiled smugly. Athelstan didn't say anything to him, keeping his distance as Ragnar beckoned Gyda and Lilith forward. They went to him slowly, and he held them securely inside his arms.

"It is almost time to go home," he said and kissed their cheeks. "You are both ready to go home. Yes?"

Gyda responded with a small smile on her face. "Yes, Father. We are ready to go home."

"Good," he said and stroked her hair. "I have been asked by King Horik to help him in a personal matter, and so I will go with him to resolve this before I return myself. But your mother will be taking care of you, as will Athelstan," he said and looked up at him. "I want you to keep up with your lessons while I'm away, and with any hope, your brother's learnings will not suffer while he is with me."

Gyda laughed softly, and after a second, Lilith did as well. Ragnar sighed heavily, pulling her into his arms to hold her as tightly as he ever had. He whispered to her, cradling her head and then kissing her check before he let her go and reached out to do the same to Gyda. Once that was done, he strode over the where Lagertha was waiting with Siggy and Thyri.

He embraced his wife and whispered to her, again looking up at Athelstan before he leaned away from Lagertha and cupped her face in his hands. She nodded as well, holding his arms before he let go and went to join King Horik's men. Amongst them, Athelstan saw Rollo, Floki, Torstein and Arne. It seemed like Ragnar was taking all the men he trusted with him. It made Athelstan feel much smaller than he had when he'd confronted Ragnar earlier.

The horns sounded then, signaling it was time to leave. The discussions and goodbyes all ceased as they filed out of the grove to begin the long walk back to the boats that had been left several dozen miles down the embankment. The walk would be quiet even with many people walking down the path to the water.

Athelstan helped Lilith and Gyda with their beds and their satchels, staying close and almost resigning himself to his new role. Of course, Ragnar didn't want him to go to Götland. He would be of no use there. At least in Kattegat, Athelstan could look after the girls and keep them and Lagertha safe. So that's what he would do.

There are only four chapters after this and a few more changes to be done, so here we go!

I might just move my posting day to Friday, since it's becoming easier to do it then. So how about next Friday?

Until next time!