Chapter 20

Ryan stayed quiet, even though he was hurting her. His hold wasn't tight, but she hurt everywhere. Branches cracked and snapped at her as they had run. Her chest felt like it was on fire. She coughed into her hand and the fire burned up her throat. Something splattered across her palm and fingers. She rubbed her fingers together. Blood. The coppery taste coated her tongue. She quickly rubbed her hand on her jeans which mostly just smeared dirt from the denim onto her hands.

They'd slowed after the roar of the fire was almost a whisper. Troy shoved something into her hand as he kept his gaze up and sweeping for whatever walkers may be close by. A bottle of water. She drank a couple of sips, not letting go of her new toy, then chugged until the bottle was empty. She threw it aside. Littering was at the bottom of her list of worries these days.

She felt better by the littlest bit, but it was better than nothing. Her heart still pounded painfully and strangely. Her eyes stung from the smoke. At any second she felt like she would drop to her knees from exhaustion.

Still, overall, she couldn't speak much.

Troy didn't look at her. He wouldn't. He looked everywhere but at her. Black smoke spread across the sky, but out here, stars peeked through it. Soot and blood covered him.

"It's not that bad," Ryan said, referring to her present well-being.

A lie. She felt broken. Her eyes were heavy. She yearned for sleep. Hell, she could go for a nice coma right about now. But, she was afraid to close her eyes because it could be permanent. She had to be okay even if she wasn't.

"I know how bad it can be," Troy said after a few quiet minutes.

Ryan sighed. She knew he was telling the truth.

Sticks snapped nearby. Ryan's sickle rose up, slicing through the air. Troy was at her side. If it was walkers then they'd either cut them down or run. If they were people then it would depend on whether they were friend or foe, and there were more foes than friends these days.

Alicia and Sophie stepped out of the shadows of the trees slowly.

"It's us," Alicia said quickly with her hands raised up. "It's us."

Ryan let out the breath she'd been holding. Alicia looked at the two of them utterly horrified and took a step back. Ryan and Troy shared a look. She couldn't imagine what kind of horror movie they looked like they jumped out of.

Alicia said, with a nod at Ryan's dripping farm utensil-turned-weapon, "Children of the Corn much?"

Ryan held up her sickle and shrugged. It was pretty sharp. It was nice. If she looked like a serial killer out of a horror movie then oh well. People would think twice about how dangerous she was.

"Ry!" Sophie exclaimed, and hugged her around the waist. Ryan didn't retreat as she squeezed her tightly, causing her body to scream out in pain. She just hugged her back, so glad she was here and alive.

"We need to move. Did you see the others?" Troy asked Alicia.

"Grant and Reed were not far off last time I checked," Alicia said.

"We need to keep moving," Troy said. "We can rest when we get back to the campground."

Branches whiplashed them as the four of them continued through the woods. Ryan felt her grip slipping from Troy's and tried desperately to keep a hold. She didn't want to lose any of them again. But her hand was sweaty and his was bloody from all of the blood that had come out of Arnold's neck. For a second, she slipped, but Troy whipped around and grabbed her by the wrist and scooped her up.

"You're too damn slow," he growled.

Ryan wheezed. Her chest felt like it was going to explode and that she was drowning simultaneously. She didn't know if it was too much smoke inhalation or just not being able to catch her breath, but she was glad he caught her rather than just leaving her behind. Turning her head, she tucked her face against his shoulder, but was careful not to swing her arm and cut him.

She could hear Sophie. She was muttering with concern, but she didn't hear about what. Everything was a blur. At one point, she swore she saw Lindsey's short hair.

Then she was set on her feet. Her chin was yanked up roughly and a harsh light shone in them from a flashlight. Ryan squinted, shaking her head this way and that, and pushed Troy off. He didn't attempt it again, figuring the reaction as good enough to prove she wasn't suffering from any kind of brain damage.

"I'm fine." She spoke hoarsely. She inhaled deeply and then coughed. "I just need to catch my breath."

She looked around as she gulped in the fresh air. She was back at the camper.

"You-you guys have been here?" Ryan said.

"We got lucky and stumbled across it," Lindsey said. She swept Ryan into a tight hug. "We found what you wrote. You must've been losing your damn mind out here alone."

Lindsey shook. Ryan dropped the sickle to the ground. She hugged her back then quickly pulled back.

"Grant and Strand. Grant and Strand were there!" Ryan cried hysterically, her eyes growing big with fear that her friends were still back there.

Flashes of the last few weeks came to a head all at once. She turned to run back in the direction of the plantation and instead ran into a flesh wall that held her steadfast.

"She's in shock," Troy said. How was he so calm? Their people were dead and dying.

"We have to go back for Grant and Strand! You don't understand! They hung Shay and then they…" Her words were lost because she couldn't say it. Her eyes were so dry that they stung when her tears welled up and streaked down her dirt and blood smudged cheeks.

Troy knew what she couldn't finish saying, what she couldn't manage words for. He'd seen it. What he'd told himself was pig meat that the dogs had been chewing on because he refused to think it was human. Because he couldn't believe that it was Shay that those people had fed to those beasts. He pulled Ryan forward, holding her. She tried to fight it, sobbing loudly until she gave in and wrapped her arms around him as her legs threatened to give out.

"Ryan?"

Ryan turned sharply and ignored the sharp pains that shot through her body as she did. Reed came into view with Grant in two and others. His forehead was cut and blood trickled down the side of his head to his jawline. Ryan ran, quickly jumping into her twin's arms, and wrapped her arms around his neck.

"Oh my god. You're alive," he breathed. He kissed the side of her head.

Ryan felt Grant's hand on her shoulder. Her body shook. Reed's own eyes blurred with tears. He held her so tightly that her ribs felt like they were getting crushed in a compactor. She couldn't even feel the ground under her feet.

Reed released her but didn't look away from her eyes as if afraid she might disappear again. Aches ran up and down Ryan's body. She turned to look at everyone else. Sophie. Lindsey. Troy. Alicia. Strand. New people? Yet there were others missing. Her brows furrowed.

"Where's Trick?" Ryan's voice was hoarse. She checked again. "Basil?"

She didn't see that furry fireball. Her gaze stopped at Troy. His head hung heavily with guilt and heartache. His jaw was tight. He could barely look at her. Ryan hiccupped and shook her head. They weren't dead. Couldn't be.

Troy turned a stalked off.

"I know we're all licking our wounds right now, but we should move. Staying here isn't safe. It's too close to the plantation. We'll attract walkers or the fire could reach us," Strand said.

"At first light," Reed said. Alicia nodded in agreement. "We're still miles out, so the fire shouldn't reach this far I'd think. Not right away."

Lindsey and Sophie set up a perimeter of sorts while Reed worked on getting a fire going in the pit. Ryan stood for a moment longer before sinking to the ground. Her eyes glimmered, but no more tears came. Trick and Basil were gone. Shay was gone. Who else?

"Strand, you sit right down. We need to look at you." It was one of the new ones that had tagged along with them. He was older, greying hair with wrinkles creasing his facial features. His name was Jasper.

Strand sat down on a log and Jasper next to him. He had cloth and a bottle of vodka, both probably stolen from the house.

"This ain't goin' to feel good," Jasper told him.

"I imagine not," Strand said. He motioned for the bottle and took a long swig. "Alright. Let's get this over with."

Ryan pressed her hand to her chest. The ache there hadn't gone away and her throat still burned some and her mouth tasted coppery. She needed more water.

"Eh, lass. You okay?" Grant knelt next to her.

She shook her head numbly. No, she wasn't. Were any of them? Hell and back didn't cover how she felt.

"Water," she mumbled hoarsely. Reed was nearby, watching her as he checked their supplies. Grant held up a hand for him to toss a canteen and then handed it to her. She gulped it down, but not all of it. The burning and taste subsided.

Jasper called Ryan over after cleaning Strand's back wounds, his whip lashes. She shook her head. There were others that needed attention more than her. Her brother might have a concussion.

"I'm okay," she said.

"I'm fairly certain you are not. Let me have a look. I was a physician for thirty years before I retired," he said.

Strand took the bottle as he moved to a new spot to sit. Ryan sat down on the log. Jasper lifted his hand, showing that he wasn't trying to violate her, but he needed to check her pulse and breathing. She straightened upright. He pressed three fingers underneath her jugular. Others started gathering around. That new guy Zane and another, JD, too. Much had been lost, but it seemed that Strand and Grant made a few new friends.

Jasper held her for a moment longer, his brows pressing inward with worry. Ryan took his wrist and pulled it away gently.

"I'm still running on adrenaline," she assured him.

"If you say so." He didn't look convinced.

"For now," she nodded, "I do."

He checked her cuts and scrapes. They were pretty much scabbed over. She didn't have any bites.

"You're skin and bones," he noted.

Her cheeks did feel sharper and her clothes—what was left of them—were extremely loose.

"After sticking me in a cage, they chose not to feed me. I don't know how many days it's been since I've eaten something," she commented.

She'd wash up by the lakeside later. For now, she moved to sit by Reed. Sophie was on her other side. Sophie looked around her as if getting ready to reveal a secret she didn't want anybody else to hear. Ryan watched curiously. Sophie pulled out Ryan's short sword.

"Troy's been holding onto it in case we found you again," Sophie explained, handing it to her.

Ryan stared down at it, speechless for a moment, and then handed it back to her.

"You keep it. It's about time you had something of your own to protect yourself with," Ryan said. Sophie's eyes widened with surprise.

"Are you sure? This is, like, your favorite."

"I'm sure," Ryan replied with a light shrug. "Plus, I have a new toy."

She pointed at the sickle that she laid against the camper. Sophie blanched at the sight of it now that she'd finally gotten a good look at it.

Jasper, Alicia, Sophie, and Lindsey rested in the camper. Zane rested in the bed of the truck. Reed and Grant had gone on perimeter checks. Strand, JD, and Ryan remained around the fire. JD and Strand mumbled amongst themselves. Strand swayed in a drunken stupor and eventually fell asleep. JD went to rest in the front of the truck.

Ryan wasn't sure she'd ever sleep again. She watched the flames of the fire, making sure they didn't die down. After a while, she got up and wandered off into the dark. On the lakeshore, she sat down. It was a clear night, or at least it would've been. Smoke still billowed in the sky, across the half-moon.

The leaves up in the willows swayed and rustled with the breeze. Ryan closed her eyes and breathed in deeply. So deep that her lungs ached at being so full. She shuddered out the air, her shoulders shaking, but she refused to sob anymore. A flash of that crazed look Arnold had given her made her flinch open her eyes. How could she have trusted him? She'd believed he was a good guy and that he wanted to help her. Her stomach rolled and she leaned over to the side just in time. There wasn't very much that came up so she mostly dry-heaved. After her stomach stopped clenching she turned back to face the lake.

"I thought you'd be asleep by now, exhausted from everything."

Ryan turned her head but didn't see who it was. She didn't need to see who it was to know that it was Troy. He had been scarce all night. Drawing her knees closer to her chest, she rested her chin on them. He sat down next to her.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. Her hair fell around her face.

She didn't have to explain why. He knew. He didn't say anything for a while and when he finally did, she felt another piece of herself shatter.

"I kept saying I was going to get her killed. I get everybody killed."

"It wasn't your fault."

"I thought you were dead."

"I think I might be," she said.

Their shared words were so quiet that the breeze could talk over them. October leaned over, against him, not caring that they were both still a mess. However, in the dim light of the moon, it looked like he'd at least cleaned his face.

"We're all dead," he said. She knew exactly what he meant by that. He put an arm around her. This was as close to comfort as she would get from him and even now she was tense, her skin feeling like it was crawling. She knew he could feel the rigidity coming from her but said nothing about it. She was grateful because she didn't want him to leave her alone. She ignored the disgust rolling in her that made her want to run. It wasn't his fault. He wouldn't hurt her. Hell, he couldn't hurt her worse than what had already been done. That thought helped and she relaxed a little as she watched the water. For a little while, she felt better and safe. But only for a little while. They were never really safe. Not in this world.