Breaking Free
Chapter 18
"What happened?" Mark asks, eyeing a cut on Addison's wrist where her sleeve had lifted up. They are in the NICU and she is holding tiny Jazlynn again, rocking her, and talking to her gently, looking in astonishment at her tiny movements, watching her chest rise and fall.
"Oh." Addison says quickly, pulling her sleeve back down. "Just a scratch." Mark raises his eyebrows, knowing from the depth of the cut, and then length that wasn't the case.
"Please don't lie to me."
"It's really nothing. I've just been under so much stress lately with the police interviews and such." She wants to talk with him about the baby. How the thought of bringing the teeny little girl home terrifies her, how she feels like she owes her something, like she has an obligation to her. She wants to tell him how she is terrified the baby will end up exactly like her father, even though Derek isn't the one who is raising her. She wants him to know the amount of confusion she is feeling, about the love and devotion she is already starting to feel towards the baby, despite barley knowing her, despite where she came from.
"I want to keep the baby Mark." She says, this had already been established, but they had never clearly talked about it. "I want her to know she is loved."
"An adoptive family can love her too." Mark says, but his eyes grow worried as he looks at the little girl in her arms. Addison looks down at her too. Jazlynn's coloration is off, and she's stopped moving. Addison looks up at the monitors, but nothing seems wrong. Without warning Jazlynn begins to seize. Addison hands her to Mark, who quickly but carefully puts her back in her incubator on her side while Amelia presses the code button and with shaking hands, so bad she almost drops the syringe, Addison draws a clear medication into a syringe and injects the anti-convulsion medication into herJazlynn's IV. SheShe was the closest. She knows her way around the NICU better than Amelia or Mark, and the baby need the medicine quicker than a team could have responded to prevent brain damage. Jazlynn calms for a minute, as the medicine is kicking in, and Arizona runs in with several interns, before the monitors go flat and Jazlynn codes. Arizona starts CPR, demanding that both Mark and Addison leave, but they refuse.
"I don't have time for this right now." She says, giving the nurse an order to administer Epinephrine, and motions for Amelia to help get us out of the NICU. "Today you are not doctors, today you are parents now leave. I will update you as soon as I know anything."
"What the hell happened?" Mark yells, the moment we are in the hallway.
"I don't know… Mark she just…" Addison's mind is sprinting, as she thinks back to the moments leading up to the baby coding. She has helped hundreds if not thousands of babies through this exact thing, seizures are common in low birth weight or preterm babies and while they occur between six percent to forty eight percent of babies in the NICU they generally do not result in long term damage. She forces her brain to think of everything, could she have accidentally pinched one of the baby's cords while holding her? Her hands were shaking so bad, could she have given too much Phenobarbital? She shakes her head at the thought, certain she gave the right dose, but her mind keeps her second guessing herself. Sure, that this is somehow her fault.
"I know… I know…" He says, sinking down to the ground, pulling her down with him. They sit like that for what seems like hours Addison laying him, dissolved into tears before Amelia and Arizona come to find them.
"I'm so sorry." Arizona says shaking her head. "The seizure was too strong…"
"I need you to say it." Addison says, looking up Arizona and sniffling. "If you don't say it it's not real, if you don't say it I won't believe it."
"I'm sorry Addison, Jazlyn's body had been through so much, the seizure caused her heart to stop, and we were unable to resuscitate her." Arizona's eyes are welling up with tears now, how many times had she delivered bad news? It never gets easier; it is especially hard when it's your friends' child. "She died." She whispers.
"You mean you killed her." Addison clarifies, tears streaming down her face.
"Addie…." Arizona says trying to be sympathetic but not really achieving that. "She was born extremely prematurely. I had hoped things would end differently, but with her extreme prematurity….. we always knew that this might be a possibility."
"You hoped?! She would have been fine…. She could have been fine." Addison insists, shaking her head, 'no.' Arizona goes to soothe her, to hug her, but she moves back away from her. Arizona tries again, explaining how they had done everything they could to revive the baby, but she was just too far gone. Addison doesn't even stop to think as she slaps her hard across Arizona's face.
"You killed her. I want nothing to do with you." She says. Arizona brings her hand to her face, shocked, but lets her go as Addison turns and runs to the nearest bathroom submitting to an uncontrollable round of vomiting as the realization that the baby is dead sinks in. She struggles with why this affects her so much. She spent the entire pregnancy not even wanting the baby. How had those very brief moments at delivery, and then again holding her in the NICU changed that? Had it changed that at all, or was she just glamorizing the idea of raising a child? Did she really want the baby or was she just trying to do the right thing by her? Why was she letting her emotions get in the way of her judgement? She hits her head hard against the wall, sinking back down on to the ground, and then completely breaking down again when the awareness of exactly what this means hits her all over again. Her motives no longer matter, because the object of those sentiments is gone.
"It's not her fault." She hears Amelia say, and sees her sit down outside the closed stall door.
"I know." She admits, and for a moment she feels bad, but Arizona didn't lose a child.
"It's not your fault either, Addison."
"I could have-" She doesn't know what she could have done though, maybe been a better mother to the baby? Maybe gotten her life together sooner. Maybe a better time if she had had a better time in the womb she would have been stronger.
"It likely started out this way Addison, there was nothing to be done." Amelia soothes. "You know that." She adds, as if it could make this confusing nightmare would cease to exist.
"I don't know anything right now." I admit. Slowly opening the door, she offers her hand and helps me to my feet. "Right now, I just want to disappear."
They put us in a room with a cuddle cot and allow us to hold her and spend time with her for the days that follow her death. We don't really have family to call. Bizzy and the Captain didn't even know I was pregnant again, and Derek's family, well aside from Amelia, would they even care that we lost the baby?
Someone from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep comes and takes pictures of Jazlyn for us. Actual preemie clothing is still too big, but we are allowed to dress her, we put her in a purple bitty baby sleeper with teal flowers and purple bows. We pair this with the matching blue hat with a purple flower and wrap her in the blanket that came with the outfit. She was tiny. So tiny. It's a strange thing to hold her with just her, and not her plus a ton of wires.
"I'm sorry." Addison whispers to her, on the final day when they come to take the tiny infant to the morgue. "I'm sorry I couldn't save you too." Giving her a gentle kiss before letting her go.
A WEEK LATER
Addison and Mark took a day trip to Mount Rainier National Park and hiked along the trail until they found the perfect place to spread her ashes. A meadow, full of wildflowers with a babbling brook and the still snow capped mountain in the background. They sprinkle them over the meadow, letting the wind catch them and spread them further.
"I'm sorry." Addison says carefully.
"For what?" Mark asks, obviously confused, as he helps close the container than once contained Jazlynn's ashes, so they could take it back home.
"For dragging you into this mess with me." She says, sinking down against a tree, and just looking out at the beautiful place they laid the baby girl to rest.
"You can't go back to him you know that right?" Mark asks, he gently lifts Addison's face up with his hand, our eyes lock, and she knows that he thinks she will go back to Derek.
"He didn't mean for this to happen Mark." She tries to justify Derek's actions, but even she knows she is wrong. When he attacked her that day he attacked her knowing that those chemicals would induce the pregnancy. He attacked her knowing that Jazlynn wasn't strong enough to survive outside of the womb.
"If you go back to him you are doing her a major disservice." Mark helps Addison up, and they begin the hike back down the mountain to their vehicle. Slowly, the hike up took a lot out of Addison, only being a few weeks post-surgery. Mark had pointed out that they could always spread Jazlyn's ashes after Addison had more time to recover, but she insisted they do it as soon as humanly possible.
"I don't think I can testify Mark."
"You might not have to…" He says, and then explains how the judge had agreed to look into taking video testimony, or perhaps there were other accommodations that could be made giving the circumstances.
"If this goes to trial the press is going to have a field day. 'world famous OBGYN neonatologist Addison Montgomery Shepherd, bruised and almost killed by her doting neurosurgeon husband with a fatal brain tumor.'" She says, trying to make her voice sound official, reporter like, but then she stops and looks to Mark, tears welling up in her eyes. "I don't want to stand up in court and let all of those people and the press know what he did to me. I don't want the world to know how weak I was to allow it. Some things are just better left unsaid."
"You are anything but weak Addison, you are brave, you're a survivor. You could do this if -" Mark tells her, but it doesn't matter. She has already changed the subject to something else, talking about how pretty the flowers are this time of year, and wondering if he'd like to go have lunch at that cute little café and gift shop near where they parked. Avoidance.
They get the rest of the way down the mountain without incident and do go into the little café where they are seated and order a simple meal, sandwiches and chips a green juice for Addison and a coffee for Mark.
"I'm sorry I'm pushing you." Mark says, and he doesn't really understand WHY he is pushing this hard; he just wanted her to be safe, free from Derek's abuse. He wanted to look at her and see her, not the deep purple bruises Derek inflicted upon her. He's not even sure why he's apologizing, but it seems to make her feel a little better, so he guesses it was worth it.
"I know you want me to testify, everyone wants me to testify, but it's not the right thing for ME. I can drop the charges, and if they call me to testify anyway, I have spousal privilege. If I do not want to testify against him I do not have to."
"Spousal Immunity does not apply in cases of domestic abuse, Addison."
"It does, and if I invoke spousal privilege they will have to make the case based solely on the evidence they have from the hospital."
"It won't make that much of a difference. I will be called to testify on what I saw; do you really want that? He will still serve time."
"You'll be called to testify reguardless, your best friend is dying Mark, he is going to die anyway, no matter if it is in the prison infirmary, or Seattle Grace Hospital. The least you could do is spare me the humiliation of a trial. You claim you love me, yet you're going to put me through this? Right now, in this moment, you really are no better than he is."
Addison puts on one of her nice outfits, does her hair and makeup, 'just right', grabs her purse and takes a cab to the King County Jail where Derek was being held, pending trial. They check her identification, and her bag, assuring themselves that she has no weapons or drugs on her, and then escort her to a small room marked "Visitors." She briefly wondered why they were not doing a video visitation, or a behind glass visitation, but the office where she checked in assured her that there would be an officer present at all times. She sits down on one side of the table, fidgeting with her wedding ring she had not yet removed, until they bring him in, hair a mess, black eye, wearing an orange jumpsuit and some tan shoes that resembled BOBS.
"Addison?" He asks, obviously surprised, taking his seat.
"What happened?" She asks, looking him over. It was obvious that his charm, while so prevalent in the world of medicine, has done nothing for him in the world of incarceration.
"I got into a fight." He says, "Don't worry, I'm fine, I won."
"Of course, you did." She says, soothingly.
"Why are you here?" He asks. "You look good." She ignores this, not sure what he meant. Did the guilt of knowing she was wearing his bruises under her clothing make her look bad to him? It was odd, looking in the mirror and no longer seeing the deep rainbows, of bruises.
"I am dropping the charges. I just want you to come home." She says, and he looks at her, so sadly that she feels a chill rush down her spine.
"Why would you do that?"
"Because you love me, and you never hurt me. You do not deserve to be in jail for the rest of your life for something you didn't do." I say, very cautious of this conversation being recorded.
"That's good, Addison, I'm glad you want to do the right thing. How's the baby?"
"She died." Addison whispers, looking down at the table.
"I'm so sorry." He says and then "What was the cause of death?"
"Complications of extreme prematurity, there was nothing to be done." She answers, and he takes her hand in his, squeezing it tightly.
"It's OK….." He says, so soothingly, as he takes his hand from hers, and gently wipes the tears from her eyes. "Addison, if you want we'll try again once we've had time to heal from the loss."
"Maybe it's just not in the cards for us." She says, trying to sound sad. "We spread her ashes on Mount Rainier, in the one place, you know where the sunshine looks like glitter falling down on the meadow of wildflowers, and you can smell the crisp dampness of the brook? There is still snow on the surrounding mountains, but the meadow was in full bloom. It was so beautiful."
"I wish I could have been there with you." He says, but then gestures around to prison, like 'what's done is done.' "Who's we?" He asks slowly.
"Amelia and I went together. She wouldn't let me go alone." Addison says quickly, deciding it would be better to say she was hanging out with his sister, than with Mark, but he asked anyway.
"And Mark?" Derek asks.
"He knows Jazlynn wasn't his. He decided since I know the trail well we could go on our own." I hate lying to him, but I am pretty damn good at it. I try to not think about the image of Mark helping me up the mountain, his hand on the lower part of my back, gently pushing supporting as we slowly made our way up to the meadow. How he held me everytime I needed to stop; how cruel I was to him in the café.
"You have five minutes left." The guard says, and they both jump, forgetting for a minute that he was even in the room with them.
"I don't like the thought of you girls alone on the mountain what if something had happened?" He asked, mock sincerity.
"I'm sorry…. We won't go on our own again, I just wanted to lay her to rest somewhere nice." I say, my bottom lip automatically trembling, like maybe I'm going to cry again. He always hurts me worse when I don't cry, he sees it as an act of defiance.
"It's ok, this once." He says, "I worry about you."
The guard tells them time is up and says that they can hug goodbye if they want. Derek pulls Addison close and her entire body goes stiff, she tries to force herself to breathe, so she doesn't pass out on the filthy floor of the jail. She hugs him back, in an effort to make things look natural. He puts his mouth close to my ear, and before letting me go says a little too loudly…
"You know I just want what's best for you. I only hit you because I love you."
Authors Note:
Thank you everyone for reading and reviewing! Sorry to leave it at such an abrupt ending, but this seemed like a decent ending spot if there ever was one. A friend made a good point that while Addison was trying to be very careful in her words, Derek with his brain tumor may not have that ability and would probably say something to incriminate himself, and she was right. What did you think? Also, Jazlynn. :'( . I really had a hard time with that. I was debating having Addison be forced to choose between raising her and putting her up for adoption, but in the end this seemed like the easier option, and the option that would affect everyone involved the most.