"I think we need to take you to the hospital for these burns, they're very bad."
"Am I in trouble?" Shrining down, I watch the doctor as he looks at my hands.
"No, never." His eyes meet mine and hold steady even when I look away.
"Are you sure we have to go?"
"Yes, I'm sure."
"I don't want to go."
"This is not a negotiation."
"Rules?"
"Yes, rules."
I stand up, and, despite the burning in my hands, take hold of my violin and head to my room to get dressed.
"Sherlock." John's voice stops me.
"Yes?" I turn and look at him.
I knew this was to good to be true, it was all a test and I failed.
"Give me the razor blade."
"Why?" I become defensive.
"Because the rules have changed, you don't need it to keep you in line or to feel better."
"Okay."
He follows me to my room.
I open the drawer that has my socks in it, and I pull out the razor blade.
"Give it here." John holds his hand out.
Do it.
I don't want to.
Do it, John said you have to.
With hesitancy, I look at the blade with a strange feeling of longing in my stomach.
"It's alright." He steps forward and gently takes it from my hand. "You don't need it anymore."
"John." My heart skips a beat at the realization that I have my best friend back.
"Yeah?"
"Can I call Lestrade?"
"Yeah, get your phone and call him."
"... I don't have a phone."
John smiles.
"Glad to have you back." he hands me his phone.
I watch him leave.
"I'll let you close the door." He smiles before completely leaving my room.
I am allowed to close doors.
Walking over to the door, I slowly close it and get nervous when it clicks shut.
I'm going to be in trouble-
No, I'm allowed to close doors now.
Allan would be mad...
John is in charge now.
But Allan...
I find myself torn, but nevertheless, I change clothes and get ready to go.
I pass on a purple shirt that Mycroft bought me.
He still thinks he can control me.
When he gave me the box of clothes his words were.
"Your clothes are inadequate and stained, I sent someone to fetch you some new ones."
My clothes were fine.
I also put on a pair of black trousers and a white shirt that John bought me when I was forced to return to 221B.
Keeping a throbbing hand on my violin, I use the other to call Lestrade.
"Hello?"
"Geoff?"
"Sherlock, how are you?" He sounds pleased to hear from me.
No, people only act happy to hear from me. People don't like me. Only Allan likes me.
Maybe John?
No, he might be acting.
He changed the rules.
"You alright?" Lestrade's voice changes from pleased to worried.
"I'm fine, do you have any interesting cases?"
"Yeah, why don't you stop by in the morning and I'll show you some." Relief makes itself known in his tone.
"Alright." I agree happily.
"I'm glad to have you back."
"Goodbye, Gerry."
"Yeah, bye, Sherlock."
"Sherlock, are you ready?" John knocks on my door.
"Yes." I yell.
Yelling is bad. Yelling gets you in trouble.
"Yes." I repeat in a hushed tone."Can I come in?"
"Yes."
The door opens, and even though I know it's John, I jump.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have closed the door." Without thinking, I apologize.
I'm in trouble.
"Sherlock, it's okay." John touches my shoulder with a worried expression on his face. "You can close doors, and you don't have to whisper."
"You want me to talk loud?"
"Yes, you can talk as loud as you want."
"Okay." My voice returns to a normal volume instead of a whisper.
"Are you ready?"
"Yes."
"Okay, get your coat it's nippy out."
"Okay." I grab my coat.
"Let's go." He leaves my room.
Before I follow him, I grab my violin.
"I'm on my way." I call after him.
John leads the way out of the flat, and downstairs.
"How are you boys doing?" Mrs. Hudson greets us as we step off the stairs.
I move my violin out of eye sight.
I'm not going to lose it, I'll be good.
"Very well, Mrs. Hudson." John responds to the lady.
"Sherlock." She gives me a hug, I stiffen slightly, but accept it. "How are you?"
"I'm fine, Mrs. Hudson." I smile at her. "I have missed you."
"Oh, I've missed you too." She laughs. "John is fine company, but I miss having you playing violin and shooting walls and all the ruckus you make at night."
Is that good or bad?
"How is Rosie?" John asks.
"She's fine, she's asleep right now."
"Thank you for watching her."
"Anytime." She yawns.
"We must be off." I nudge John with my elbow.
"Yes, we'll see you later." He nods.
"Goodbye, be careful." She calls after us.
John and I step out into the chilly air.
I take several deep breaths, relishing the feeling of the fresh air in my lungs.
Wait, where's Allan?
I look around for him.
Wait...
My shoulders slump.
He's gone. Mycroft killed him.
Fury settles in my belly at the memory of Mycroft telling me the fate of my lover.
He killed Allan.
No one cared but Allan, why would he take the only person who loved me away from me?
"Sherlock." John's voice snaps me out of my thoughts.
"Hmm?" I glance at the blogger with sad eyes.
"The cabbie's waiting."
I sigh and get in the cab, John gets in next to me.
I get lost in my thoughts, ignoring John talking to the cabbie.
I don't want to go to the hospital, my hands aren't that bad.
I deserve the pain and burns anyway.
I shouldn't have burned dinner.
John says the rules have changed, but is it best that they changed?
"Sherlock, are you alright?" John's using that voice. The voice that says, are you okay you broken piece of trash.
"I'm fine." I find myself snapping at him.
Bad. No disrespect.
"I'm sorry." Quickly, I duck my head and apologize, pulling my violin closer to me.
Allan would have kept me from doing that.
What if John can't keep me in line?
What if Allan was the only person who could?
"You don't have to apologize." He whispers, resting a hand on my shoulder. I stiffen up and look out my window.
He knows how many times I messed up... why did he change the rules?
Allan set the rules because I'm to stupid to do anything right without them.
Maybe... maybe John doesn't know that. Maybe I shouldn't have let him take the razor blade.
I can get more... Allan would want me to stay in line.
Allan would want me to follow the rules even if someone changed them.
But, if I don't follow the new rules I'll be in trouble.
What do I do?
Slowly, the steady calming movement of the cab makes me drift off to sleep, still clutching my violin close to my chest.
Hmm... Allan would... he loved me... and I should stay in... line...