Bohemian Rhapsody (pt. 1) – The Intro
*"Angel of the Morning" by Juice Newton plays in the background. Wade Wilson sways in time to the melody while he mumbles along with the lyrics even if he is always just a half-second behind.*
"Well, excuse me, Madam Narrator, if not all of us have the lyrics right in front of us. How would you like it if I told the readers what you were doing?"
(Madam Narrator: "That's really not necessary…")
"How about I do it anyway?"
(Madam Narrator: "Please don't…")
"Don't? So, you don't want me to tell the readers of this raging dumpster fire of a story that you've been holed up in bed for the past two days, wearing the same pair of sweats, consuming nothing but processed junk food while binge-watching You, and refreshing the statistics to check for new reader comments because you're desperate for external validation?"
(Madam Narrator: "That's not what I'm doing.")
(to the narrator): "Liar. (to the readers): That is totally what that train wreck of a 'writer' is doing. Don't listen to her. She is an absolute mess. And don't even get me started on her 'book.' (to the narrator): I mean, when was the last time you even worked on that thing? March 6th is going to be here before you know it and, yet, here you are, writing nonsense to avoid feeling like a failure. (to the readers): Did you know that Madam Narrator's spent ten years with the idea for her book stuck in her head and, just as was making significant progress, she put everything on hold because she's afraid no one will like it? (aside): What a loser…"
(Madam Narrator: "Oh, yeah? Well, you don't exist, so…there.")
"Um, rude. But for a writer, that was a pretty lame comeback. Besides, if I don't exist, then that means you're having an argument with yourself, so who's the loser, again?"
(Madam Narrator: "…")
"Come on, who's the wittle woser? Who? Who? Who?"
(Madam Narrator: *mumbles*)
"I'm sorry. I didn't catch that. Who's the wittle woser?"
(Madam Narrator: *sighs* "I am…")
(to the narrator): "And don't you forget it."
(Madam Narrator: *goes off to sulk in a corner, leaving Wade Wilson alone with the readers*)
(to the readers): "Ah, good. We're alone. It's like that one song: 'I think we're alone now, / There doesn't seem to be anyone around / I think we're alone now, / The beating of our hearts is the only sound.' And who doesn't love that 80s classic? Tiffany is my jam!
"Since I'm here, I can only guess that some shit is about to go down in the story. I've only been kinda following along with this derived trash, so bear with me.
"When we last saw our heroes and villains—and the other trillion characters Madam Narrator has absolutely zero chances of keeping a handle on—they were all whining about…who cares? Tony Stark likes Nat, but he likes Bruce (which I get; he's a handsome man) but only as a friend. Pepper Potts likes Tony, but she also likes Happy? And Happy likes her. Pepper definitely doesn't like Natasha. Bruce likes Natasha, and he's starting to like Tony less and less because of a big misunderstanding created by the nefarious Loki. Then there's Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers. While half of Tumblr might wanna see those two crazy kids together, Madam Narrator decided to manufacture the hell out of some conflict by forcing Sir-90s-Grunge-Hair into a love triangle (square? Pentagon? Hexagon? Seriously, how many sides of this 'love' shape is there? I've got one of Madam Narrator's half-eaten cookies for anyone with the answer) with Natasha and the Science BrosTM. And what is so special about this Natasha girl? I've seen her. Sure, she's got a certain je ne sais quoi that had me all voulez-vous coucher avec moi for, like, two seconds, but I wasn't about to go all obsessed stalker on the poor girl like Barnes, Stark, or Banner practically are.
"Ugh, and I haven't even gotten to the boy in serious need of an education in feminism: Clint Barton. Or the whole thing with Carol Danvers and Valkyrie. Remember that? Not to mention my new bff, Petey Pie and his recent win in the freshmen election.
"And don't get me started on the in-your-face symbolism of the coming storm in chapter 19. Could Madam Narrator be anymore clichéd? And since she's incapacitated, I guess it's up to me to tell this part of the story.
"Based on her chapter title…seriously? 'Bohemian Rhapsody'? Could she be anymore of a pretentious snob? Geezus…ugh, whatever…fine! Looks like I got my work cut out for me. Oh well. Here goes nothing:
"Please allow me, Wade Wilson, to present a mini-arc story in five (five?! What the hell?) parts—'Bohemian Rhapsody.'
"Maximum effort!"
*Song Inspiration: "Bohemian Rhapsody" - Queen