Book Two, Part Five: Light Amongst the Dark

May 2012

"Ugh. I am never going to retain this crap for the final."

I looked up from my own book.

"It's kind of hard to retain this 'crap' if you don't look at the book." I said drolly.

She stuck her tongue out at me and looked back down at her book with a smile.

Addie and I had become good friends since the tragic events. She made me laugh, she didn't come on to me, she understood that my studies came first and we had both been offered residencies at Columbia University Medical Center…

Pending graduation.

Finals were in three days and Addie, Weiss, Savvy and I had been pulling all-nighters. Savvy and Weiss had hit it off at the Trade Center site and had been dating ever since.

A loud rhythmic banging sounded from the other room.

I groaned loudly.

"Again?" Addie asked.

"Sounds that way." I responded.

Weiss and Savvy were taking a 'break'.

This went on about three minutes before I couldn't take it anymore.

"You wanna get out of here?" I asked.

"Please." She replied gratefully.

Fifteen minutes later found us at our regular hangout, Dave's. They had the best cheeseburgers in New York. We quickly gave the waitress our orders and then sat back to relax.

"I love that Sav is happy but Dear God, why are they are loud?" Addie said.

I laughed.

"They are in love." I stated wistfully.

Addie looked at me thoughtfully.

I noticed.

"What?" I asked, taking a drink of my Coke.

"Nothing. I just…never mind." She said with a rueful smile.

"No tell me. I wanna know." I told her.

She opened her mouth but hesitated.

"Spit it out Woman." I said laughing.

"I don't want to offend you because you are a great guy and one of my best friends but I just have to ask…Are you gay?"

I choked on my drink, coughing and sputtering.

"What?" I croaked out.

"I mean it doesn't matter if you are. I mean it would be a waste, sure, because you are well, hot and all, not that I think you are hot. I mean, I do…anyway. I just haven't ever seen you with a woman and it wouldn't matter to me if you were, but are you? Gay I mean?"

I looked at her in amazement and with a little bit of a heartache. Mer had rambled like that. Then I felt equal parts guilty and sad. Guilty for comparing Addie to Mer when she didn't have a chance of measuring up. No one did. And sad because I would never hear Mer's ramble again.

"Derek? Oh God, I offended you, didn't I? I didn't mean too. It's fine. Are you in love with Weiss or something? It that why you always look so sad when you look at him and Sav?"

"What? No!"

"No to which part?" She asked slowly.

"No, I am happy for Sav and Weiss and no, I am not gay." I explained.

"You're not?" She asked confused.

"No, I'm not. I am offended that you thought that." I told her, joking but keeping a straight face.

"I'm so sorry." She blurted. "But…why are you alone then?"

"It's not by choice." I smiled sadly at her. "Well, actually it is, I guess. I had to make a choice. It was the right choice for her and that is all that really matters."

Addison bit her lip, also like Mer did but so unlike her at the same time. Aarg, this was driving me crazy.

"How is it the right choice if you are miserable?"

"I used to be worse than I am now." I laughed. "At least now, I smile, and I can be around my Ma and sisters without lashing out, I can go out with you all and have a good time. I don't think of her every second anymore, more like every couple of hours. Something or someone will remind me of her, and I hurt. Like physically hurt. But I believe that she is happy or at least I hope she is, so I can give her that." I said.

"I'm sorry but I am confused. What exactly did you choose?" She asked.

"Maybe I should start from the beginning. I met Mer, Meredith, when I was fourteen. She tripped and fell into my lap." I smiled at the memory. "She was rather clumsy at that age. I was all sorts of awkward. I hadn't yet discovered hair products, I had acne, I was skinny, I played in the band. Sax." I chuckled. Addison smiled. "She was this blond, petite, gorgeous girl with bright green eyes that turned gray when she was emotional. She had this distinct giggle that turned me into mush every time I was around her. I fell in love with her instantly and by some small miracle, she loved me too. We were happy. We had plans; you know?' I blinked against the sudden moisture in my eyes but quickly wiped them away. "When I was thirteen, my sister Mel and I saw our father be gunned down by two men robbing his store." Addison gasped. "They never caught the guys, so my mother moved us from Connecticut to Port Angeles, Washington. When I was eighteen, they found us and threatened us. They hit my Ma, trashed our house and had pictures of our whole family, including Mer. They threatened her in front of my Ma. What was I supposed to do? Put her in danger. Ma wanted to move so I made the decision to let Mer go. I broke up with her and I made sure she would never want to look for me. I told her I didn't love her and that I didn't want her and that she wasn't good enough for me and then I left her there, in the woods behind her house. I needed her to hate me. She pleaded with me to not do it, but I had too." I paused. "I had too." I whispered. "She believed me so easily. I don't understand why she believed that I didn't love her."

I lapsed into silence, taking deep calming breaths.

I felt Addie put her hand on mine. I didn't even know she had gotten up and moved to my side of the booth. I felt her other hand wrap around my arm, and I felt her lean against me in a comforting manner. I breathed in deep and crinkled my nose. Her smell was off. It wasn't bad, just different. It was cinnamon instead of lavender.

"I'm so sorry Derek." Was all she said.

"Me too."

"My sincere congratulations to Columbia's School of Medicine 2012 graduates!"

I smiled. I actually was mentally present for this graduation. I was a doctor.

Dr. Derek Christopher Shepherd.

Yes, I was third in a line of doctors in my family. Kathleen was almost finished with her psychiatry residency and Nancy was a fourth-year resident at Columbia and she was leaning towards Cardio Thoracic surgery. Amber was starting her final year of med school in the fall and Mel…well Mel, decided to join the police force. She was now enrolled in the Police Academy. Ma was beside herself about her decision, but Mel had just said that if she got shot, she had a family full of doctors to help her.

"We did it!"

Addie launched herself in my arms. I laughed as I tried not to buckle under her slight weight.

"We did, didn't we?" I said, smiling down at her.

An expression passed over her face, one I couldn't decipher, but it was gone as soon as it was there.

"Hey. Can you believe we are all doctors?" Weiss said, joining us, his arm slung over Savvy's shoulders.

"Some smarter than others." Savvy said, grinning at Weiss.

"You wound me." He said forlornly.

"Oh shut up." She said.

She turned to Addie and me.

"We are going out to dinner with our families, but I want to meet up later to really celebrate. You two in?" She asked.

"I am." Addie said, looking at me.

"I'm in too." I agreed. This was time to celebrate.

"Okay we will call you later and decide on a time and place." They left amidst a flurry of family activity.

"Derek!" I looked for my Ma as I heard her voice.

She hugged me tightly.

"I am so proud of you." She gushed. "Your father would be really proud of you."

"Thanks." I said sincerely.

"DerBear!" Amber squealed, hugging me tightly.

"DerBear?" Addie mouthed at me; eyebrow raised.

"Shut up." I mouthed back.

I hugged Mel, Katie and Nancy. They all looked at Addie, who was standing there awkwardly.

"Oh! Where are my manners? Ma, Katie, Nancy, Amber and Mel, this is Addie. Addison Montgomery this is my family."

"Nice to meet you." Ma said. Addie extended her hand, but Ma ignored it and hugged her, whispering something to her that made Addie blush. When I looked at Addie, she just shook her head at me. I would be getting that out of her later.

"I thought we could go out to dinner." Ma said.

"That would be great." I said.

I looked at Addie.

"I am just gonna go." She said.

"Oh I am sure your family has plans for you and here I am keeping you." Ma said.

"Yeah." Addie said, but I could tell something was off. "It was nice to meet you all. Derek, I will catch up with you later." She hugged me and then walked off with a last 'bye' to my family.

"She's lovely Derek. Why haven't you mentioned her?" Ma asked.

"She is just a friend Ma." I said while still pondering Addie's behavior. Then it hit me. Her family wasn't there with the rest of the families congratulating her.

"I'll be right back." I told Ma.

I ran towards the way that Addie had gone, looking around blindly. I saw her walking slowly towards the parking lot where I knew her car was parked.

"Addie!" I called out.

She stopped, looked at me and turned away from me, wiping frantically at her face. I ran to where she was and turned her around.

What I saw, broke my heart just a little. Her mascara had made black tracks down her face, her nose was a little red and her eyes were a dull blue instead of the vibrant teal they usually were.

"Where is your family?" I asked, cutting to the chase.

"Mother has work to do to close out this year and Archer and my dad are on some gambling trip. Apparently, it couldn't be cancelled so…" She smiled at me.

It was fake. I knew a fake smile when I saw it. I had used them quite often. She had made me smile more real lately and it was my turn to do it for her.

"Come on." I said, extending my hand to her.

"Where are we going? You have a dinner with your family." She protested.

"I know. You are coming with us." I informed her.

"What? Oh no. I am not intruding on your family time because you feel sorry for me. This is not the first time it has happened, and it won't be the last. I'm fine. I am just going to grab some Chinese, go home and watch some TV. I will see you later." She said.

"No, I don't think so. You are coming with us. Don't make me go get my Ma." I threatened.

She looked down at the ground and then up at me, her eyes glistening with unshed tears.

"Are you sure?" She whispered.

"As sure as I have been about anything in a long time. You are my friend Addie. I am not letting you spend this day alone." I shook my still extended hand. "Let's go."

She finally took it with a smile and used her other hand to wipe her face.

I pulled her through the thinning throngs of people to where my family waited.

"Hey what did Ma say to you anyway?" I asked.

"That I seem to be good for you." She said, blushing again.

"Hmmm…maybe you are."

Maybe she was.