Chapter Twenty

Ruth gets ahold of herself by the time the song about the ice starts playing at the beginning of Frozen. She pulls back from Nelson, grateful for his silent, strong presence but acutely aware that Kate and Laura and Rebecca are all sitting ten feet away.

"Alright?" he asks softly.

She nods. "It's going to be okay, right?"

He gives her a small smile. "Yeah, I think so." Nelson takes her hand again. "Come on, let me make you a cup of tea. The girls are fine for now."

Ruth follows him to the kitchen, allowing him to lead her by the hand. Strange how quickly that's become so normal and nice, just holding his hand. But he lets go of her so she can sit down and he can start the kettle.

"Katie took it well, then? Finding out she's got sisters?" Nelson asks.

"I think so. She's such a gregarious little thing. Not like me at all that way."

"Nor me," he adds with a small scoff.

"She got really excited this morning when I told her about Laura and Rebecca. It was sort of strange, though."

Nelson turns to her. "Strange how?"

Ruth gives him a rather rueful expression. "I've only met Laura and Rebecca once or twice. I don't really know them. And why would I? But Kate asked me lots of questions like she always does, and I'm not usually at a loss for an answer."

"I imagine you're not," he replies affectionately. "But I think their first meeting's going alright, eh?"

She nods. "I didn't know what to expect at all. I know they're nice girls, you and Michelle couldn't have anything but nice girls, but this whole situation has got to be hard on them, and I think I worried that they might take it out on Kate."

"Yeah," Nelson agrees. "I was a bit worried about Rebecca. Laura's got a soft heart. She's sensitive and she likes kids. And she and I have had the last few days together, and she's coming around. Rebecca's a bit more withdrawn. Quick to anger. I was terrified for her to come up here yesterday."

Ruth frowns. "And how did it all go? You didn't tell me much before." She nearly bites her tongue at that. She's got no right to ask him personal things about his children, and she knows better to pry. Because if she asks, he might answer, and she might not like what that answer is.

But Nelson just sighs. "It was pretty terrible, actually. I don't even want to repeat the things they called me."

"Oh no," Ruth sympathizes.

"I deserve it all, I suppose. I mean, I know what I did. I know what happened. And it is all my fault. The girls have every right to blame me for everything. I just…"

"You just what?" she presses.

Nelson glances at the door to make sure that no one is coming in to overhear him say these words. "I just feel bad for not feeling bad."

Well, if that isn't the most Catholic thing Ruth has ever heard in all her life! That kind of guilt is so foreign to her. She's got enough to be concerned about without worrying if she feels bad enough for every mistake.

Since Ruth hasn't answered, Nelson turns the kettle off and fixes their tea. He puts a cup in front of her on the table and sits down beside her. He takes a comforting sip and encourages her to do the same. And then he elaborates, "You saw me that first night when Michelle left, Ruth. You know I was a mess."

She just nods.

"But even so, I couldn't help feeling free. And knowing that I can be with you and Katie now. My marriage and my family have fallen apart. I should be picking up the pieces, not fantasizing about playing on the beach with Katie and taking you to bed."

Ruth wants to tell him what it means to her to hear him say that, to know that he thinks of her and their daughter that way—the idea that he wants them. She still isn't used to it. And she just doesn't have the words to tell him. Not yet.

Nelson reaches out and covers her hand with his. "It's not fair to Michelle or to Laura and Rebecca, but getting to look ahead and see a future with you…it's the happiest I've been in a long time."

He watches as she digests his words. Christ, he's been talking about his feelings for two days straight, it feels like. Laura had still been reeling from the reality of his affair with Ruth and Rebecca had begrudgingly accepted it when he dropped the bombshell of Kate's paternity. There had been screaming and yelling and crying. Both the girls ranted on and on, first about their father's stupidity and audacity for taking Ruth to bed and not using protection—at least he can feel somewhat comforted to know that they practice safer sex than he does, not that he wants to give any thought to what his grown daughters get up to. Then after they'd berated him about conceiving a child with a woman he had a one-night stand with, the accusations about the lying and hiding things came about. How could he hide this from them? How could he treat them so callously to not trust them with the truth? On and on and on about what a rotten man he was and how Mum should have left him years ago.

It was Laura, however, sweet lovely Laura, whose soft heart asked him the accusing questions that even brought him to tears. What does Kate think about all this? Does she know you've got another family? Does she understand that you've not gotten to be her dad for her whole life? Those words haunted him. The truth of them had haunted him for the last four years. Five years, in fact, ever since he found out he'd gotten Ruth pregnant. And that was really the heart of the problem for him. He genuinely loved being a father, spending time with his children and playing with them and protecting them and teaching them. He adored all three of his girls more than anything in the world. And the knowledge that he'd not gotten to be a part of Katie's life the way he had for Laura and Rebecca had been ripping his heart to shreds. Katie was still young enough to not know much better. She knew her dad didn't live with them, and she only saw him sometimes. Surely other children with parents who weren't together had similar situations. But Nelson isn't some sad divorced dad with occasional custody visits. He loves his daughter and he loves her mother—he'd let slip as much to Rebecca and Laura, he may as well admit it to himself—and he wants more than anything in the world to be with them and to be a proper family. There's just so much standing in their way. Less than before, certainly, but still more obstacles than Nelson feels confident they can all overcome.

"You know I don't blame you, right?" Ruth offers amidst the silence.

His fingers that have been stroking the back of her hand pause. "How do you mean?"

"Kate might have been unexpected and unplanned, but she's the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. You gave her to me, and I'll always thank you for that. Even if you were married with a perfect happy family at the time. And ever since, I know we argue about her school and whatever else, but you've not made any demands on me or on her, and you've not abandoned us either. I know that if Kate ever needs anything I can't give her, you'll come swooping in on your white charger to save the day. Or rather, zoom in with your white Mercedes."

He can't help but chuckle. "Thank you, Ruth. I want things to be alright, for things to be better. But it's nice someone doesn't resent me for doing everything wrong."

Ruth shakes her head. "When it comes to us, you've done everything right. All things considered, anyway. Even with your antiquated views on gender roles and your infuriating fixation with private schools."

It is in his mind to tell her right then and there that he loves her, but he doesn't. He just leans forward and kisses her cheek. She makes a small, happy noise. And with some strange love song about sandwiches playing in the other room, Nelson tilts his head just slightly so he can kiss Ruth properly.