Weller has never felt so helpless, his heart and his shoulder singing together in a chorus of pure agony. There's a dagger piercing through him, pinning him to the wall and making him bleed at an alarming rate. But the worst part about being stuck in place by a metal blade isn't the pain or the threat to his own life. No, the worst part is that he's unable to do anything but watch and yell and struggle as Roman pulls his switchblade out, holds it up against Jane's throat.
"No!" Weller shouts, over and over. "Do whatever you want to me, just let her go."
"What I want, is for you to watch her die," Roman replies. "Slowly. And with a lot of pain."
"NO!" Weller repeats, with a desperation he's never heard from himself before. "Please, please don't do this."
But of course Roman doesn't listen to him at all, turns towards Jane and runs the blade down from her neck and along her sternum, slicing shirt and skin as one, revealing her tattoos, all newly blood red.
Weller shudders, recoils at the sight. Pulls at the rope binding his hands, needs to pull the knife out of his shoulder despite the risk of the maneuver. But he's tied as tightly as ever, can't get free as Roman drags the knife across Jane's rib cage, then maniacally jams it straight into her heart.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" he screams, every cell in his body filled with rage and despair as he struggles at the ropes, his wrists bloody but still tied together. Absurdly he thinks he can still save her, if he can only get free. So Weller struggles against the pain that pervades his whole body, hollers at Jane to hold on, that he's coming.
But now there's a hand holding him to the wall, shaking his shoulder. Kurt screams at whoever it is to help Jane but he knows in his heart it's Roman, back to finish him now that she's gone. With no moves left he cries out, produces a bloodcurdling noise full of desperation and despair. He's lost her again, lost his goddamned heart.
Yet illogically he still hears her, calling at him anxiously. So of course he responds, reaches for her voice, and wakes to a gentle touch on one shoulder, fire in the other.
"Kurt, wake up. It's just a nightmare," Jane says, making him think he's still dreaming.
Weller opens his eyes and stares at Jane standing over him, her hand on his good shoulder. He blinks a few times, hazy from medication and confused about the situation. He's aware enough to recognize it's barely light outside and she's supposed to be at her safe house sleeping, that there's no reason for her to be at his bedside. Especially now that he's mostly fine.
Even if his life was still in danger, it wouldn't be Jane's role to stay with him and hold his hand. When she'd done it before, it was because he was embarrassingly having a panic attack. But with everything calm again he's sure things will go back to how they were; before this last crisis had pushed them closer again. He'd lost any hope of that place in her life by arresting her, not doing nearly enough to find out what happened to her. Not to mention being so hard on her for so long after she came back, making her prove herself to him while he continued to hold everything against her.
But there's no one else he would rather have there with him in this otherwise incredibly realistic dream. Even the hospital room is exactly right, the sounds and smells so perfectly institutional.
Dream Jane smiles at him and brings her hand up to his forehead, brushes the back of it against his brow as if checking for a fever. It feels so good he closes his eyes in satisfaction, prays that he doesn't actually wake up for awhile.
"Do you want to talk about it?" she asks softly.
Kurt doesn't want to talk about anything, thinks it will break the moment, bring reality back. So he shakes his head no, hopes she will just continue to silently soothe him with her touch.
"Are you sure?" Jane asks. "It seemed like a pretty bad dream."
Weller shakes his head again, looks at at her intently.
"No, this is a really good dream," he replies, willing it not to end.
Jane smiles, laughs at him endearingly.
"This isn't a dream, Kurt," she says, taking his hand and squeezing it as if to prove the point.
Oh that is so much better than it being a dream, Weller thinks to himself. Though he's still not entirely certain he's awake, especially with the meds in his system still playing with his senses.
"What are you doing here?" he asks.
"I couldn't sleep," Jane says softly. "I just needed to be here."
Okay, probably still a dream, he thinks, staring at her in a daze.
"I'm fine, Jane," he rumbles, just in case it's all real. "It's a knife wound in my shoulder, a broken hand. You don't have to worry about me anymore. That's what you told me, right?"
Jane frowns, rubs the back of his hand with her thumb.
"I told you we were safe from Roman," she mutters. "That doesn't mean I don't have to worry about you anymore."
Oh, most definitely still a dream.
Jane sits, still holding his unbroken hand lightly, careful not to jostle the injured shoulder it's attached to. She is wearing an expression he can't entirely decipher, looks somewhere between content and teary. But like all Jane expressions it's intense, she says so much with her face, her eyes.
"You nearly died, Kurt. There was so much blood," she whispers, as if saying it too loudly would call fate back to take him away. "My brother tried to kill you because he was mad at me. For forgetting that I'm a terrorist. I almost got you killed. All of this is my fault."
Well fuck. Not a dream. He would never want Jane to feel that kind of guilt, think that this is on her. Especially since she saved his life by expressly doing exactly what he had told her not to do.
Weller grunts his disapproval, frowns at her while shaking his head.
"You told me exactly what was going to happen, Jane," he sighs. "And I still let Roman catch me off guard, like a total rookie. If you hadn't found me I would have been dead in minutes. None of this is your fault. And, in hindsight, I've never been so glad that someone broke a direct order. But that doesn't mean what you did was right, you definitely should not have come looking for me while Roman was still on the loose."
Well, at least now she looks defiant, not guilty. It's an improvement, he thinks.
"You know I had to do it," she says with a little shake of her head. "I knew exactly what was going to happen. Can you imagine how I would have felt if you died and I could have done something about it?"
Of course she had to do it. It's part of what makes her Jane. What frustrates him to no end. Yet makes him love her despite everything.
"I know," he replies. "I'm sorry I put you in that position. I don't even think I've said thank you. Thank you, Jane. You saved my life."
She replies with a wry squinty look, a particular expression of hers that he absolutely treasures. It somehow expresses amusement, exasperation, a high degree of skepticism all at once.
"Weller, I put you, me, all of us in this situation," she scoffs. "This was my idea right? And Roman's just what I've made him. I don't get points just because I managed to keep you alive this time."
Sometimes he forgets how much shame she carries for the actions of her former self; or maybe he just hadn't fully realized it until right then. That she exists with that guilt over her at all times, how heavy she must feel.
Honestly, Weller can't understand it at all. How Jane could have been a terrorist, done the things she remembers doing. He sees nothing in her but a desire to do good, doesn't get how a different set of memories could have made such a drastically alternate person. Although her government had tried to murder her, more than once. And, of course, Shepherd and Remi thought they were doing good with their plot to infiltrate the FBI.
Suddenly he realizes he's been silent too long, that Jane has stood back up and is starting to retreat, both physically and emotionally. Kurt sits up and reaches out for her, momentarily forgetting about the wound in his shoulder. Manages to grab her fingertips while he swallows a scream.
She must see the pain in his expression, brings her hand up to run her thumb along his hairline. Looks at him with such concern that he forgets to breathe for a moment as the agony ebbs back to a more bearable level.
"Do you want me to get the nurse?" Jane asks. "You look like you could use another dose of your meds."
Weller shakes his head no, knows the nurse will come check on him soon enough. Right now Jane's doing that soothing thing with her thumb, which is better than any drug they're going to pump into him.
"Kurt, don't be unreasonable," she tries. "I can tell you're in pain."
He shakes his head again, despite the intense heat in his shoulder. Even though he's now sure it's not a dream, he doesn't want her to go anywhere, even just out in the hall. She could always disappear on him, due to unforeseen circumstances.
"We already covered this one, Jane. You make me unreasonable," he replies, giving her the most charming grin he can manage while swallowing back the agony.
She looks at him a bit suspiciously at first, then sighs and tries to hide a smile as she rolls her eyes at him.
"And none of this, me getting hurt, is your fault," he adds, while he's in her good graces. "You have done everything you can to protect me, including some things I would rather you hadn't. Please don't blame yourself. Jane. I can't watch you suffer like that."
"But you're allowed to make me watch you suffer for no reason?" she asks pointedly.
He groans at her persistence but it's Jane, what else does he expect? He would have to do better if he was to make her let it go.
"I'm not suffering," he replies. "I told you, this is a good dream."
He gets a genuine laugh for his efforts, an bemused shake of her head. She drops her hand down from his forehead to cup his jaw, then starts to do the thumb thing along his cheekbone. Weller tries to absorb all of the sensation while wondering if there's any way to ask her to stay and do it forever, without simultaneously losing all of his dignity and scaring her away.
"Maybe you don't need more drugs," she says with a smirk.
No, just you, he thinks to himself.
"No, just you," he hears his blissed-out self saying aloud.
Shit. So much for not scaring her away.
Jane smiles at him again, but this time it's tinged with sadness.
"You don't need me, Kurt," she says, much too seriously.
She rubs his cheekbone one more time, slower than before. It all has some feeling of finality to it that makes him chilled to the bone. So when she drops her hand and starts to turn away, he's ready, catches it before she can take a step.
"Please don't go," he pleads.
Oh, and there goes the rest of his dignity.
There are so many reasons he shouldn't do this. She's an asset, a former terrorist that's already played him once. He was manipulated into loving her, was incredibly angry with her just mere weeks ago. She has already broken his heart, maybe made him unfixable.
He absolutely should not be in love with Jane Doe, definitely can't act on it more than he already has. It goes against everything he stands for, all his values. She's a vulnerable double agent and he's adding to her already overwhelming burden with his need.
He's almost ashamed enough to let her go.
Jane looks down at her hand, caught tightly in his. He thinks he sees her nearly smile, then she bites the corner of her bottom lip adorably.
"Okay," she agrees, giving his hand a squeeze. "I'll stay. But first I'm getting the nurse and you're getting some medication."
"Deal," Weller replies, before she can change her mind.
Jane goes to find a nurse, leaves him to wonder what the hell is wrong with him. Normally he would already be plotting his escape from the hospital, his wound no longer life-threatening. He certainly would not be asking for painkillers, risking more medical attention.
You're getting soft, Weller, he tells himself when Jane reappears with a nurse to check his dressing, dose him up again. He feels pathetic accepting the care when he's already been adequately treated. Surely someone else could use the hospital bed, someone with a more pressing need than an angry shoulder.
Yet when the nurse leaves and Jane returns to her chair beside his bed, he looks at her gratefully as the medication starts to dull the pain.
"Better?" she asks, sounding overly concerned.
Weller nods, letting the drugs wash over him and closing his eyes at the relief.
"Good," Jane says. "Now I'm going to stay right here and you're going to sleep."
Kurt grunts his disapproval at the concept of sleeping, despite the dreaminess fading in. But then he feels Jane rest her hand on top of his lightly, snake her fingers in between his. Her touch instantly calms him, makes him forget that he's meant to take off from the hospital, resist all care.
A minute later Weller's nearly out already, feels his body sinking heavily into the bed. Yet he's sure he feels Jane press a kiss to his temple, just as he drifts off to sleep.
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A/N So this is it for the plot of this story, thanks everyone for reading and reviewing. It's already gone on for fifteen chapters longer than originally planned! There are some no action, more cutesy less angsty, epilogue chapters still to come though...