June
"Lovi!" Antonio exclaimed as soon as the call connected, elated at the sight of his friend.
In reply, Lovino smirked, trying to not look as excited as he was to see Antonio on the screen. "Idiot," he greeted, and Antonio felt something warm bubble up in his chest.
"Toni!" Another voice greeted, and Feliciano pushed into view, waving enthusiastically. It only dawned on Antonio now how long it had been since he'd seen him. Feliciano looked so much better than he did in December.
"Feli!" Antonio waved back. "How are you?"
"Alright. Just getting Lovi settled in. It's so much fun!"
"No, it isn't," Lovino argued. "The boxes are heavy."
"It's all the books you have," Antonio said, and Feli nodded seriously.
"He's right. There are so many, Lovino! It hurts my back to lift them!"
"Well, that is why we have Nonno and Mr. Beilschmidt." Lovino turned to the screen and Antonio blinked, recovering from the sound of Lovino saying the name 'Beilschmidt' instead of some form of 'bastard' or 'potato'. "They seem to be having some sort of contest over who can move the most fastest," Lovino continued, "It's better if we just stay out of the way."
"Aren't the young supposed to be helping the old?" Antonio asked and watched the brothers share a look.
"Like I said," Lovino said, looking deadly serious. "Best to stay out of the way."
That summer, Antonio did not go to California, as much as he might have wanted to. This also meant he wouldn't go to Oregon.
Their trips had always been a winter holiday thing and, as nice as last year's summer trip had been, it just wasn't possible to make it a semi-annual thing. It was either one or the other, and the Fernandez-Carriedos just didn't have the money for a summer one right now.
Meaning, Antonio would need to content himself to a summer without Lovino for the first time in many long years. Meaning, they would need to make do with video calls at awkward times of the day.
Meaning, sometimes it didn't really work out.
"Lovino?" Antonio asked into the microphone for what must have been the twentieth time. "Lovino?" Twenty-first.
"Ant- Are you- A- ah-" a garble of noises filtered through in Lovino's voice, the image on the screen still stuck on the same frame, somewhere between a laugh and Lovino's adorable pout. As much as Antonio could have looked at it forever, he would have much rather seen the real thing, in real time.
"Lovino?" he asked. Again and again. It was all he could say. The only word that mattered. The only one he wanted to see. He still hadn't reached out to any of his other friends and he hadn't talked to anyone in days. He was desperate for interaction. He was lonely.
But, most of all, he missed Lovino.
Another garble of noise mumbled from the speakers. Antonio's heart sank.
"Lovino?" Antonio asked again, and, this time, he hoped it didn't go through. His voice was much too wobbly.
"Can you hear me?" he asked pathetically, new words coming to him at the worst of times.
Antonio knew he couldn't continue to do this. Not everyday could be spent with Lovino anymore. He had made a promise, and, maybe, he should try to keep it.
The next day, Antonio made a call.
"Toni?" a curious voice said through the line once it picked up. It was terrifying to hear. Antonio had never been this afraid of people, of using words from his mouth.
"Hi, Emma," he forced himself to say, breathing like he had always taught Lovino when he got stressed. "How are you?"
"I'm… doing well," she replied, and her voice was soft, contemplative. She didn't sound angry that he had called, or even annoyed. Just curious… and understanding all at once. That was what Antonio had always liked about Emma. Somehow, she always seemed to understand. "How about yourself? I haven't heard from you in a while."
"Yeah. I…" Antonio wasn't sure what to say. Should he try to explain? Could he? It was all too much- everything from that past year. "I'm sorry about that," he finished lamely, unable to force himself to elaborate.
"No, don't be sorry!" Emma reassured immediately. "I'm just glad to hear from you now. It's great that you called."
"I'm glad I did," Antonio said, and he was pretty sure he meant it too. He was apprehensive, but, the more they spoke, the lighter he seemed to become. "I- um- I actually called to ask… are you doing anything today?"
"Oh," Emma said, and she actually sounded surprised this time. Then, her voice took on an uncomfortable tone. "Listen, Toni, where we left off last year… I don't want- I mean, I just think it's better if we don't, and, you're great and all, but-"
"No!" Antonio exclaimed, his brain finally catching up. "I didn't mean it like that. I don't want that either. I still don't- erm- feel that way…"
"Yeah!" Emma agreed loudly, and the awkward tension was palpable in the static of the line. "Of course! I know what you mean!"
"Good!" Antonio practically shouted, volume taking over in their panic. "Awesome! Yeah, okay!"
There was a silence between them, both taking it in and breathing out. Antonio's brain was reeling, and catching up all at once. Emma was stricken silent on the other side of the call, both of them frozen still. Then, they broke into laughter.
"Oh, that was horrible!" Emma managed between laughs, and Antonio couldn't stop either.
"We're so awkward!" he said in agreement.
It took a while, both elated at the break in tension and high off the endorphins from such a steady laughter, but they managed to calm down. Antonio let out a "Whew!" as he wiped his eyes of mirthful tears.
"I just meant as friends," Antonio clarified.
"Yeah, I think I get that now," Emma said, and he could tell she was smiling. "And I think I'd love that."
"Really?" Antonio asked, hopes up and defenseless.
"Yeah, totally," she said. "You're an awesome guy, Toni. I never wanted to give up this friendship.
"Oh."
"Yeah," Emma said, and there was something soft in her voice; regret of a year lost. Then, she seemed to shake herself out of it, and Antonio diverted his attention. That was something he would need to apologize for - a real apology - but not now. "So, where do you want to meet?"
For now, Antonio needed to piece things back together, and try to make up for what he'd thrown away.
-/-
August
The video calls weren't always that bad, and, when they were, they always had phone calls and text messaging. Antonio still heard a lot from Lovino. They were still integral parts of each others' lives.
Over the summer, they texted throughout the day about random things that happened or meaningless thoughts they had. Antonio bragged about the new record he'd set bouncing his soccer ball off the tree in his backyard. Lovino complained about the lovey faces his brother and Ludwig made at each other (though imagining Ludwig with anything less than a stoic demeanour seemed impossible to Antonio) while they were working in their grandfathers' shop over the summer. Antonio told Lovino about hanging out with Emma, and his exploits of branching out more and more to old friends. Lovino documented the movements of a stray cat that lived on his street.
Lovino told him he hadn't gone to see Feliciano's therapist yet. Antonio told him that was fine; to do it in his own time.
Antonio had called Lovino early morning the anniversary of his father's death. Lovino had heard him out, his worries and regrets, and distracted him with a song. Lovino never sung, but he did it for Antonio that morning.
And when school began again, they were each others' main lifelines. When things got overwhelming, they sent each other memes. A strange coping mechanism, but it seemed to help.
"Timer?" Antonio asked, and Lovino nodded on his screen, only a bit reluctant. "Thirty minutes."
"Is that the CD I gave you?" Lovino asked, interrupting Antonio before he could start the clock. For a moment, Antonio was completely confused.
Then, his ears tuned into the music drifting through his room.
Can nobody hear me?
He looked back to the player, sitting on his desk.
I've got a lot that's on my mind.
A purple case sat on top of it. Next to it lay an old charm, the small soccer- football - almost as worn now as his actual one.
I cannot breathe.
"Yeah," Antonio said, eyes still fixed on the small mementos. A smile played at his lips. "Yeah, it is."
Can you hear it too?
-/-
December
"Just one day," Antonio pleaded. "Please, Mom."
"I know you've made the trip before, but I just don't know, Mijo," his mother worried, a deep line forming in her brow. "Anything could happen, and you are only sixteen! Oregon is a whole state away!"
"But this is the closest we'll be to Lovino," he said, completely desperate at this point. It had been half a year since he'd seen his best friend in person. This trip would be his only chance. They were in California for Christmas and Lovino sure as hell wouldn't be able to get there.
"You don't have a car here anymore," his mother pointed out.
"Francis does! He said he'd come with, and you know how responsible Francis is," Antonio said, hoping that appeal hadn't lost all its credibility after last year's stunt. Going by his mother's raise in eyebrow, it might have. "And we'll take turns driving so we don't get tired. All three of us! That's, like, triple the insurance!"
"The three of you always spell trouble," she sighed, but Antonio held his breath. She sounded like she was on the verge of maybe. She sighed again, long and hard, then fixed him with a serious look. "Do their parents know they're going? I won't have you boys lying again."
Antonio was quick to nod, his head almost coming right off in its vigor. "Yes. Definitely."
"And you three will be careful?" she stressed, Antonio never ceasing his nodding. "You will call regularly throughout the trip to let me know when you arrive and you are not lost?"
"Yes, yes, sí," Antonio agreed, nearly vibrating in his excitement.
She gave him one last look, one that spoke all sorts of worry, then nodded.
"Fine."
Antonio jumped in joy, pumping his fists into the air. His mother watched with a smile, shaking her head. Only a witch would try to keep those two apart.
It was a quick endeavor getting everything together, considering, with the three, Antonio, Francis, and Gilbert, they had the combined will power to get virtually anything done.
It may have been quicker if Antonio's mom hadn't reminded them of the various, sometimes vital, items they had almost left behind, but Antonio had never claimed anything other than willpower among them. They were still quite the disaster trio.
By the time they had shown up on the Vargas' doorstep, chilly under their scarves and hoodies and traveling blankets, Lovino had taken one look and remarked, "Idiots," before waving them in.
There had been a fire already blazing in the hearth, which they were immediately bundled to, and Feli and their grandfather took straight to the kitchen, excited by the company and setting about to make warm drinks and the like.
It was decorated for Christmas, with string lights and a tree covered in hand-made ornaments. There were two lamps on, allowing the fireplace to do most of the work in lighting the room, and the couches were covered in tangled blankets and rumpled pillows, as if it was a regular occurrence for them all to sit around together. They had probably been doing just that before Antonio and company had arrived and crashed the party. A part of Antonio felt bad for intruding on the warm family evening.
A larger part felt utterly blessed to have even been able to glimpse it. Not until now did it really hit full-force - never before had Antonio seen a Vargas household so cozy, so lived in, so… like a home.
It reminded him of loud opera coming from the kitchen or long days marathoning Harry Potter in their living room. Brief snatches of what Lovino and Feliciano had had to make themselves. A surge of gratitude coursed through Antonio for Roma suddenly, for providing the brothers that comfort for once.
When Roma and Feli came back with hot cocoa, they all huddled on the floor in front of the fire; all except Roma who simply said his back could not take it. Gathered around, they all excitedly chattered. Feli asked about Ludwig, who he had started to date at the end of the summer, and only saw on the odd weekend Ludwig traveled to visit his grandfather. Gilbert had no trouble boasting and roasting his brother in equal part, and made many a laugh around the circle.
Francis chatted with Lovino about the book he was currently reading, which he seemed quite animated about, though Antonio rather thought they looked like two elderly women gossiping over an eccentric neighbor. When he mentioned this, earning a snort and giggle respectfully from Gilbert and Feliciano, Lovino seriously turned to him.
"This book is entirely tea," he said, "And it must be spilled."
"Arthur would be appalled," Francis remarked, ignoring the irony in it being, yet another piece of British Literature.
"Alfred would be thrilled," Antonio said.
"It's kinda ironic how, in a literal sense, you would be completely correct, but figuratively, as you guys are actually referring to tea, Arthur would probably be the first to jump at the chance for gossip," Feliciano piped in and everyone went silent around him. For a beat, they all stared.
Feliciano, unphased by the attention, sipped at his cocoa, then turned to Antonio. "Oh, Toni! Did your mom bake any cookies this year?"
The evening went on like this, and Roma invited them for dinner, which they ate around a crowded breakfast table with smiling faces and full mouths. Even Lovino, who wasn't a big fan of crowds, seemed relaxed.
In fact, he seemed a lot more relaxed than usual, only starting to look uncomfortable with the prolonged crowd toward the end of the meal.
Antonio took this as a chance to whisk him away, and maybe get the opportunity to see his best friend one-on-one. They excused themselves to get some fresh air and, in socked feet and thrown on hoodies, they slipped out onto the front porch.
Their breath immediately began to fog in front of them, and they stuffed their hands in their pockets.
"I'm not gonna last five minutes out here," Lovino remarked, but the silence was already relaxing his muscles. He closed his eyes and breathed out slowly, carefully. It looked like something he had been practicing.
"Ah, come on, Lovi," Antonio teased. "We've braved snow storms. New York winters. Don't be getting soft on me."
"Soft against the cold in Oregon?" Lovino retorted. "As if."
"You're different here," Antonio said, and it was almost out of the blue if they hadn't both already expected it. "Good different. Do you like it?"
"Er, yeah, I guess," Lovino said, scratching at the back of his hand, both hidden in the front pocket of his hoodie. "I've been going to Feli's therapist. I guess it's helped."
"You have?" Antonio asked, surprised. Lovino hadn't mentioned it in any of their calls.
"I only started last month. Sorry I didn't tell you. I wanted to know if I'd be able to, I don't know, continue or not. I didn't want to get any hopes up."
"I get it," Antonio assured, and he smiled at his friend, who was already gauging his expression. Antonio genuinely didn't feel any betrayal, and Lovino must have seen this because his shoulders relaxed.
How could Antonio feel betrayed when Lovino was doing so well? After years, no negative emotion could stem from the weights Lovino carried, dropped.
"And how about yourself?" Lovino asked. "School? Friends? You only talk about football and music during our calls."
"I talk about more than soccer and music!" Antonio exclaimed, taken in by Lovino's eye roll at his persistent American usage. Lovino's nose and cheeks were very red from the cold, and Antonio's fingers felt like they were going to fall off, but neither seemed willing to go inside yet.
"But… yeah," Antonio relented, looking out toward the grey, cloud-filled night. Moonlight sparsely came through, but, instead of eery, it looked quite enchanting. "I'm talking to more people than just Emma, if that's what you're wondering. I go out with the soccer team, and do study groups, and Alfred and Matthias will invite me to this arcade that opened a few months ago. It's fun."
"Good," Lovino said, nodding and trying to cover how quietly pleased he seemed with a look of agreement. Antonio had always wondered why he covered up so much in his words and actions. Maybe it was just Lovino - whole and truly how Lovino was always supposed to be. So stubborn. Antonio was about to say something about it - though what, he wasn't quite sure - when Lovino shivered violently.
Antonio sighed. Stubborn indeed.
"Let's get inside, you tesoro mas terco."
"That's close enough to Italian that I know exactly what you're saying, Antonio," Lovino remarked, allowing himself to be shepherded back inside.
"Oh, you were supposed to, tomate."
"Shut the hell up," Lovino argued, but they were both warmer because of it.
-/-
June, again.
"How did your Spanish final go?"
"Well, I used a lot of Italian when I forgot words, so I'm hoping the teacher thinks I almost got the words and gives partial credit."
"Doesn't she already know you speak Italian, though?"
"Partial credit, Antonio. Don't shoot down my hopes and dreams, Antonio."
"Si, of course, Lovino. My lips are sealed, Lovino."
…
"Put out the light, and then put out the light.
If I quench thee, thou flaming minister,
I can again thy former light restore
Should I repent me. But once put out thy light,
Thou cunning'st pattern of excelling nature,
I know not where is that Promethean heat
That can thy light relume. When I have plucked thy rose
I cannot give it vital growth again,
It must needs wither."
"That's beautiful."
"Hauntingly."
"So, what's it mean?"
"That Othello's an absolute idiot. Next."
…
"He kicked the ball to Franklin, but Franklin had someone already, like, five feet away, and he panicked a bit, which, yeah me too, but the next thing I know I've got the ball. And then I panicked a bit, but I had to snap out of that quick, and so I took off down the field, and that's how we won the game!"
"Woah, woah. Go back; you skipped a big chunk of the narrative there."
"Oh. I scored the goal? Then we won!"
"Oh my God, Tonio, would it kill you to give a bit more detail? You were going strong there!"
"Lovi?"
"Lovi, did you hang up again?"
…
"Dr. Hassan said I needed a hobby, so I guess this is as good as anything."
"You have to let me read something you write, Lovi! I bet it's great!"
"I just started today. There is nothing to show, and definitely nothing of substance."
"I bet anything you write is magnificent."
"Thanks, but no."
"Please, Lovi?"
"No."
"Please?"
"No."
"Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease…"
"Nononononononono…"
-/-
August
"Could I ask you a favor?" Antonio blurted as soon as the line had connected.
Lovino, who had only the time to say a brief 'hey' before Antonio's nervous words, seemed taken aback.
"Um, yeah?"
"Keep in mind you can say no, since this is an absurd thing to ask. I know this. It won't bother me-"
"If it's stupid, I'll say no. Don't worry," Lovino said easily. "But it sounds important to you."
"I mean… Important, heh. Not too… It's just something I've been thinking of-"
"Spit it out already, blabbermouth," Lovino said, sounding like the most patient interruptor Antonio had ever heard. He clamped his mouth shut, nodding once in agreement, despite the fact that Lovino wouldn't see it. Maybe they should have video-called. But, no, Antonio didn't want anything like crap wifi to interrupt.
"Alright, so…"
…
In New York, it was seven in the evening when the call came in. Antonio had been waiting for it, sat at his desk with phone in hand. When it began to ring, he had to watch the screen for a minute, to ready himself, to convince himself it was really there.
He picked it up.
"I'm here," Lovino greeted, and Antonio breathed out. There was tension in each breath, but there was a strange relief too. "I got flowers. Wasn't sure what kind to get, so I settled with lilies?"
"They're perfect," Antonio breathed out. He didn't even have to see them. "Thank you so much, Lovi. You didn't have to do that."
"I wanted to," Lovino relinquished softly, calmly, breaking character for a moment.
Antonio sat in silence for a moment, appreciating the lengths Lovino had taken to do this for him, the vulnerability he allowed in that moment.
He should have gotten Gilbert or Francis to do this. It would have been a short trip for them, a simple task. But he had wanted to trust Lovino with it.
"Do you want to talk to him?" Lovino asked. "I can, I don't know, put you on speaker?"
"Yeah, sure," Antonio nearly whispered, and he wasn't sure what he was feeling. It had been the same last year, on the anniversary of his father's death. Up until the moment it had all built up and he had broken down. Before, there was only numbness, a low buzzing that meant nothing.
If he had to pick any emotion from the dull swarm, it would have been nervousness.
Lovino put him on speaker and gave him a moment before his father's grave.
-/-
December
Money was tight, which meant Antonio and his mother wouldn't be going to California this year.
Which meant he wouldn't be going to Oregon this year.
Which meant he wouldn't see Lovino this year.
"Antonio, you clingy bastard," Gilbert eyed him from his computer screen, backdropped by the white and black posters of his bedroom.
Antonio blushed. "It's reasonable to want to see my friends," he complained. His friends were the only people he could confide in about his disappointment without looking like a selfish jerk. He would never say as much to anyone else, and of course never to his mother.
But he now felt defensive, worried Gilbert had taken his complaining the wrong way.
"Dude, I'm just busting your chops about Lovino. If you don't think you're whipped, dude, then I've got news for you…"
"Oh," Antonio's blush deepened, for a reason other than shame. He was very aware how whipped he was, but that didn't mean Gilbert could just say it.
"When are you going to tell him?" Gilbert asked, and the words were said like a playback, recorded for Antonio's repeated displeasure.
"He literally lives across the country," Antonio replied, much in the same fashion as always.
"It's the age of technology, man. Long distance relationships are a thing."
"But if he says no, it'll just make the long distance friendship that much more difficult. Our friendship isn't supposed to be awkward. It's- it's more than that."
"One, you know my feelings on that," Gilbert said, and Antonio rolled his eyes.
"And you know I value your opinion, but I just can't believe that. Lovino definitely would have said something by now if he liked me back."
"I can't believe I know your best friend better than you," Gilbert said, and he was only slightly joking. "But, not my point. We can and have gone in circles around that argument."
"He doesn't," Antonio insisted.
"He does."
"Pssh," Antonio rolled his eyes.
"But," Gilbert stressed, moving on. "Not my point. Your friendship can survive awkward, Antonio. I'm sure it hasn't always been smooth sailing. I'm sure it hasn't. I mean, it's Lovino."
"Hey!" Antonio protested, wishing he was there just to poke his friend in the side.
Gilbert shrugged, sitting back. As he folded his arms behind his head, he said, "I'm just saying. You two should just tell each other the truth. I think it's hilarious, but Franny's getting frustrated."
"Francis is getting frustrated?" Antonio asked. Gilbert smirked.
"Can you blame him? He's got all that romantic bullshit stuffed in his head and he has to watch you two dance. It's almost exactly the reason he gets so heated with Arthur."
Antonio moved his head a bit in consideration. "He does talk about him a lot."
"You should see them at school," Gilbert groaned, covering his face with one hand. "The sexual tension is unbearable."
Antonio laughed at that. Gilbert quirked an amused smile, retracting his hand, before his lips assumed a line again.
"But, seriously, dude."
Antonio bit his lip, looking away. "Maybe," he said.
But that was really a no.
…
"Semester is over. College apps are in. I can finally sleep," Lovino said, having called Antonio on his way home from the last day of the semester. Antonio smiled for his friend, curled up at his desk chair in his pajamas. His school had finished a week earlier.
"Congrats. You deserve it," Antonio said, and there was the sound of a door on the other end of the line.
"It's fucking freezing," Lovino cursed.
"Get home so you can hide under the covers and not come out for three weeks," Antonio suggested.
"That's a joke, but I'm really considering it."
Antonio laughed and Lovino did something similar, accompanied by the chatter of his teeth. Antonio thinks he's never been fonder of the boy.
Then again, he was constantly thinking that. How can fondness grow when it's reached its maximum capacity? Every day, that limit reached higher and higher, stretching and bending in new directions, in new wavelengths and frequencies. Everytime Antonio thought he had it figured out, he figured it out again. In some new exciting way, in ways so tremendous, so subtle, so incandescently profound that it shouldn't make any sense at all, he figured it out again and again and again.
He kept figuring it out, yet he felt like nothing in the world made sense like this.
It's moments like this where Antonio almost slips.
He bit his tongue. Hard.
"I'm gonna miss you over break, idiot," Lovino said.
"Our last winter break of high school," Antonio sighed. He had submitted some applications to colleges too, but only a couple. Some he hoped were attainable, and affordable. Out-of-state was out of the question.
One small university had offered him a scholarship for soccer. He'd probably go there, given that he still wasn't sure what he wanted to do, but could really use that scholarship.
Thinking about the future was scary. Really, all he wanted to think about was if he could somehow visit Lovino over spring break.
-/-
June, one last time.
Antonio's mom had decided to host a small graduation party for him and his friends after the ceremony that morning. Mostly, it had been Emma, Matthias and Lukas, and Alfred and his brother who had flown in, Matthew. A couple of other people had come around briefly, like his buddies from the soccer team, but, mostly, it had been the handful of them, hanging out in the backyard with music and snacks.
It was toward the end of the night now, and Antonio stood alone in his backyard, next to the tree he used to play soccer with when Lovino couldn't come outside to play. Music was still playing from a portable speaker on their picnic table.
This is our last dance…
This is our last dance…
This is ourselves…
Under pressure.
As the last song came to a close, the yard went silent, leaving Antonio alone to think.
High school was over. Graduation had been a happy affair. He'd been with all his friends from school, taken pictures, threw their caps. Some kids he knew from afar made speeches.
It didn't feel too tremendous until he thought about what lie ahead. But he had the whole summer to think about that. Tonight, he could think about other things.
Like the fact he never had to see those halls again.
There had been good memories in those halls. Like talking to Emma between classes, running after Alfred when he took his bag, meeting Lovino at his locker. When the halls were empty after school, his friends from the team would play hide and seek until an administrator corralled them in.
Then there was crying over a failed math test. There was yelling at some guy who had called Emma nasty slurs. There was running from bathroom to bathroom in search of his best friend, who was probably having a panic attack.
Looking out into the yard, Antonio felt his phone buzz in his pocket and took it out. With an easy smile, he saw it was from Lovino and opened it up.
There was a picture attached. It was dim and hard to see, so Antonio adjusted the brightness on the device.
Lovi 3: Meet me.
The picture was of their tree.
…
"You're really here," Antonio breathed as soon as he had reached the tree. Lovino had turned around, catching Antonio has he fell into his arms.
"I am," he replied, and he hugged Antonio tightly. It had been too long since they'd seen each other. For a moment, it was all they could do to hold one another close.
"Why are you here?!" Antonio asked, unable to control the laughter that slipped out. He was still holding his friend, and wasn't sure if he'd ever let go.
Lovino shrugged, looking for all the world pleased with himself. "To surprise you," he said.
"Well, I'm surprised!" Antonio laughed, still giddy in his shock. "Did you just get here?"
"Yeah," Lovino said, and looked sheepish for a second. "Sorry I couldn't make it for your graduation. It was the only last minute flight available."
Antonio shook his head. "Don't be sorry. You're here! That's more than I could have asked for."
Lovino looked down, a small smile gracing his lips. Antonio was so close, even in the dark he could see it.
"I have a surprise," Lovino breathed, looking up.
"Wasn't this it?"
"Another surprise," Lovino corrected and Antonio smiled unsuredly.
"Okay…?"
"I'm going to school here in New York."
Antonio blinked down at Lovino, and he noticed they were barely a centimeter apart now, height-wise. His friend was taller.
"What?" he asked.
"I got accepted to NYU."
Antonio furrowed his brows in confusion. "But… you didn't apply there."
"I did," Lovino nodded, and his smile was breathtaking. He looked so excited, so hopeful. "That's what makes it a surprise."
"Oh," Antonio said, and it seemed to take everything he had for Lovino not to burst into laughter. "OH!"
"Yeah!"
"You're going to New York!"
"I am!"
Antonio took his friend in close again, squeezing the daylights out of him. Lovino made a small distressed sound, but he was still laughing. And Antonio was laughing. And he rested his forehead against Lovino's neck.
"Oh my gosh!" he exclaimed, voice muffled.
"I know," Lovino said. Antonio looked up.
"But what about Feliciano? And what about your grandfather? You aren't moving back here, are you?" Antonio's voice had a worried edge, the hidden meaning clear. You aren't moving back with your father, are you?
But Lovino shook his head. "No, I'll be in the dorms on campus."
Antonio let out a sigh. "Good."
"I'm gonna major in Creative Writing."
Antonio almost said it that time. Your father's going to be furious. But he didn't. Lovino would have already thought about that, would have dreaded it, but he wasn't controlled by his father anymore. All that studying meant nothing if it didn't take him somewhere he wanted to go.
"And we're doing better. All of us. Feliciano is going into senior year, and it's time I try to handle myself away from Oregon. I love them, but I don't want to be there all my life."
"I'm happy for you," Antonio said. Lovino looked up, capturing his eyes.
"And I missed you," he said, causing Antonio to catch his breath. A surge of emotions swept through him like a whirlwind, and, suddenly, he had to look away, eyes becoming misty.
"Yeah," he whispered, choked up. "Me too."
"You missed you?" Lovino joked, and Antonio smiled, squeezing his friend.
"You know what I mean."
"Can I give you one last surprise?" Lovino asked. Antonio looked back down, tilting his head a bit sideways.
"What?"
Lovino faltered for a second, his smirk falling into something unsure. He bit his lip. "You have to close your eyes."
Antonio gave him a confused look before doing as he was told. He felt Lovino step out of his arms, and the warm summer evening turned just a little bit colder.
"Antonio," Lovino said, and it sounded like a beginning and an end, a greeting and a departure. "It may come as a surprise to you, but you mean kind of a lot to me. I don't know where I would be if I'd never met you…"
He let that hang in the air for a second, and Antonio shivered. He would have been lost without Lovino. He had spent the past two years coping without that codependency, bonding with the people he had cut off from and learning to live without the singular person he had let himself lean on. If he'd never had Lovino in those early years, though, before he had learned everything he knew now…
"You've been my best friend for so long. You've been the one person I could turn to with anything," Lovino continued. "Oh god, I'm making this so cheesy, aren't I?"
"Keep going," Antonio encouraged. "I've got my eyes closed, remember? I can't see the blush that's definitely on your face."
"Shut up," Lovino pouted, and Antonio could see his adorable scowl even in his mind's eye. "You're the biggest nuisance of my life, Fernandez-Carriedo."
"I love you too," Antonio laughed.
Lovino went silent.
Antonio waited in confusion. "Um, Lovino?"
"That's kind of where I wanted to go with this," Lovino said, contemplative. "You see, these years have been indescribable. It hurt to be close to you, and I didn't know why. I saw you smile, and it made me so happy I could physically feel my heart fucking with my chest. It hurt even worse to be away. I don't regret it, the leaving - we both know it was for the best I did. But I knew even from the start that I couldn't stay away for long."
"So, all of this to say, you are my best friend, Antonio, and no one could ever replace you. You have made my life so much better than it was ultimately destined to be," Lovino's voice was getting watery, and all Antonio wanted was to rush forward, gather him in his arms again.
"You've made my life better too, Lovi," Antonio whispered, rooted to his spot. Oh no, he was crying too.
"Oh, idiot," Lovino said, that fondness in his voice. Antonio could feel him wiping the tears away, fingerprints like ghosts upon his skin. "I thought I'd let you know in case I screw anything up with what I'm going to say next."
"What you're going to say next?" Antonio asked, apprehensive. Lovino dropped his hands, and Antonio so wanted to open his eyes. Lovino had placed his trust in him though, and that was a gift worth sacrificing anything.
"Here goes," Lovino said. "I like you, Antonio. Maybe you knew that already. I'm sort of obvious, though I hope not, because that would be a little mortifying. I like you a lot and I've liked you for a while and I had to tell you because I hate lying to you. You deserve better than a best friend who lies to you. You don't have to like me back, and you don't even have to reply, but-"
Antonio opened his eyes. He figured now was as good as anytime. "Lovino."
Lovino shut up. Their eyes met, though Lovino didn't seem angry to find his eyes open.
"Like me?" Antonio asked in a small voice. He needed clarification. He had to know he hadn't misconstrued it in his hopes that it meant what he thought it meant.
Lovino nodded. "Yes."
"Like…"
"I like you. Like like. School girl crush. Romantic 'wow my best friend's cute when did that happen?' like," Lovino elaborated, and, yep, that would be it.
"...really?" Antonio couldn't help but asking, hope in his voice. Lovino flushed even harder, face a red beacon in the night.
"Yes, really," he said, crossing his arms. "God, make me say it again why don't you?"
"You like me," Antonio repeated. Lovino covered his face.
"Oh my god, Antonio."
Antonio stumbled forward, pulled Lovino's hands down carefully. Lovino fixed him with a glare.
"This is great, Lovino!" he exclaimed. He could have sworn he saw a flicker of hope in Lovino's eyes.
"It is?"
"Yeah, because I like you too!"
"You?" Lovino asked, and there was a lot of repeating going on. "You like me?"
"I like you," Antonio agreed.
"Seriously?" Lovino asked, like he had to double check, like this was something Antonio would ever lie about.
Antonio laughed. "Seriously!"
Lovino looked out into the night, like he had to take a moment to process this. "We," he finally said, "Are a bunch of morons."
"Always have been," Antonio said.
"For how long?" Lovino asked.
"Always…?" Antonio said, but Lovino shook his head.
"Not how long we've been morons. How long have you liked me?"
"Trying to turn it into a competition?" Antonio teased.
Lovino rolled his eyes. "I fucking will if you don't give it up."
"Let's just say, it's been years," Antonio relented.
"Fucking years," Lovino cursed at the sky. "Fucking morons!"
"Lovi!" Antonio scolded, laughing all the while. "Language!"
"Shut the fuck up. This is your fault too," Lovino retorted, but he wasn't angry. Not really. His scowl was weak, and his lips were turned just the slightest bit upwards at their edges.
"Lovino, could I give you a surprise now too?" Antonio asked, an idea suddenly coming to mind. Lovino eyed him.
"What?"
"Close your eyes."
"What?" Lovino insisted, but Antonio shook his head.
"Surprise, Lovi," he said. Lovino huffed, but, in the end, he closed them. The night became calm again, though Antonio's blood quickened.
He stepped forward, holding one of Lovino's hands in his. He could hear Lovino's breath go in.
"Just tell me to stop whenever," Antonio clarified, and Lovino nodded, tilting his head up. He could tell what was coming.
Antonio leaned forward, tilting his own head just a fraction down. This close, he could see Lovino's dark eyelashes, resting on his olive skin. He could see the exact shade of dark brown his hair was, like he hadn't since the last time they'd shared a bed. He could see Lovino's lips, and he didn't think he'd ever really looked at them before. Not this close. Not this carefully.
Here was this boy in front of him, who had carried him, who he had carried in return. Who had made him laugh, made him smile, over and over again. Who Antonio would force to take breaks when he needed to. Who would sneak into his window at night, and eat pancakes with him and his mom in the morning. Who would travel hours to let Antonio talk to his father at his grave. Who had always been there, waiting with patience, even when Antonio hated to push him away.
He brushed a strand of hair from Lovino's face and the boy shivered. He brushed their lips, barely a smidge together, and Lovino didn't open his eyes, or back up. It was a reassurance.
Then, he leaned forward.
And the rest was lost under the green branches, where they'd started, and where this ends.
CV: Lyrics from this chapter are from "Hear Me" by Imagine Dragons and "Under Pressure" by Queen (with an awesome cover by My Chemical Romance and The Used). As always, these can be found on the fic's playlist! Quote is from Shakespeare's Othello.
I'm going to get sentimental about the fic below, so you're welcome to skip. However, I wanted to thank you all for coming on this wild journey with me! If you've been following, or you just found the fic, I'm just so honored that you would read my work, especially given how long this story became!
...
This story started as something to combat writer's block and turned into my longest, in time and length, story I've ever posted. It was fun, and it was difficult, and, after everything, it is most of all rewarding to have written it.
This fic helped me to write when I couldn't write. It mattered for many reasons, but it firstly existed to get past all the perfectionistic blocks I build in my head when it comes to posting stuff online.
There was a time when I wrote chapters and hated it. I couldn't understand why I was writing it. That was for a couple reasons, but what I'm most proud of was getting past all of that. I thought this fic was a lost cause for a while there, I'm not going to lie, but I pulled myself together and said "Fuck those reasons. You can enjoy writing this again by not giving a shit about any of that." So here we are.
Tbh, I know I won't always look back on this fic and find joy. A lot of it I wish I could go back and change, but I'm not going to. I need to move on, and keep this here as a reminder. Not just of the mistakes I made with it, but the solutions.
But I know I will miss this fic too. I will miss writing for it, and I will miss these two idiots. I'd thank them if I knew how. In all likelihood, I'll only be writing oneshots for them from now on.
And now I will come to an end. No, I'm not particularly good at those. I put it off for 100k words. If you're interested in anything else I've done, my APH stuff is on this account, and I post for other fandoms over on Ao3 under the same user! As you might have seen already, I also have a Tumblr where I do oneshot requests. I hope you all enjoyed and thank you so much again for reading. It's been a great time.