Some fluff before some angst-ridden chapters. You're welcome looool
A groan left Amy's lips the next morning when her eyes fluttered open. Her head hurt like a motherfucker and the light filtering in through the window did little to help the situation. She blinked sleepily as flashes in her mind started to piece together the night before. She had been so fucking drunk. She shifted, feeling something pulling on her skin, and as she looked down, her eyes widened a little. She was covered in now dry blood that was cracking and peeling on her skin. More flashes entered her mind then. She couldn't remember everything, but what she did remember made between her thighs tingle and her cheeks flush. She couldn't believe she had been so bold with him. She'd been curious about the knife and blood thing ever since he'd suggested it but it felt so… sinful. She had been too shy to admit she wanted something that dark. But apparently, drunk Amy wasn't so shy.
She rolled onto her side, watching the sleeping boy curled up beside her. His face was serene as he slept. He looked like an angel even with the dried blood covering his skin. Most of the flashes from the night before entailed his onyx eyes and she was well aware she was playing with fire. He hadn't hurt her though. She had given him a knife and he hadn't plunged it into her chest even when he was at his darkest. It made her heart jump at the thought. Even his demon wasn't completely evil. She reached out and brushed his golden hair from his eyes as she admired him. His lashes fluttered open then and as his bright blues looked at her, a bright smile graced his face. It made him look so young and boyish.
"Good morning." he murmured sleepily. She smiled at him as he scooted a little closer.
"Good morning," she replied softly. Her head was still hurting but it wasn't that bad that it was ruining her morning. She was grateful.
He leant forward and kissed her lips sweetly and she was all too happy to accept his kiss. The pair of them sleepy and just enjoying each other. When he pulled away, his face stayed right next to hers as his hand stroked her neck softly.
"I love you," he whispered against her lips. She closed her eyes, relishing in the moment before she leaned in and kissed him again. When she moved away his blue eyes were watching her somewhat expectantly and it confused her. It made her stomach twist and unsettle. Why did it look like he wanted her to say it back? He'd never looked at her this way after he said it to her. It made her uncomfortable, worrying that maybe he was growing tired of it now.
"We went a little wild last night huh?" she asked with a sheepish smile as she tried to steer the subject somewhere else. Michael furrowed his brow a little as he looked at her somewhat disappointed and it only made her heart still. Fearing he was going to say something.
"Do you regret it?" he asked with a careful tone. She gave him a smile and shook her head.
"I don't remember everything, but I enjoyed what I do remember," she snorted with flushed cheeks.
She sat up then and he stared at her back as his heart sank. She didn't remember. He had fully expected her to utter those words again to him this morning, heart filled with the hope he may hear them again. But she didn't even remember saying them in the first place. He had to remind himself that she had been very vulnerable last night after the alcohol and what they had done. She had let her guard down completely at that moment and she meant those words. But now her guard was back up and she was back to feeling like the girl who wasn't capable of feeling love. He tried not to let it devastate him. Because he knew underneath it all, she did feel that way. She had told him so. And it gave him hope that one day she would feel safe enough to tell him again. He needed to not be selfish this time. To make her uncomfortable or push her, in fear of losing her. So instead he opted to cling onto the fact she had said those words even just once and counted himself lucky that she had. Even if she never found it in her to tell him again he would cherish the night before.
The rest of the day passed by without much event. They showered together, taking time and care to wash the blood from each other. They both had marks now above their hearts and Michael hadn't been able to take his eyes off hers, once again reminding himself how lucky he was. That even without words, she had shown him in that moment how deeply she cared for him. The academy had been oddly quiet all day as everyone stayed in their rooms to recover from the night before. Amy and Michael had locked themselves away watching movies as she lay with her head in his lap as he stroked her hair. But as dinner time came around the school was once again full of life now the hangovers had gone. He felt so awkward and weird being around so many people once again. But people had smiled and said hi to him as they entered the dining room. He remembered how relaxed he'd been at the party, conversing with many people he hadn't spared a glance to before then. Part of him wished he wasn't so socially awkward or self-conscious about every move he made. But most of him was just happy to sit by Amy's side and soak her in as she chatted to her two best friends.
By night time, Amy had a pit in her stomach. She had worried herself senseless over the look on Michael's face that morning. Why had he looked at her that way? What if he left her because she didn't say it back? She couldn't seem to get out of her own head. She walked into their bathroom once they got there, ignoring the confused look from Michael and she locked the door. She just needed a minute. She glanced at herself in the mirror. She felt like she didn't recognize the girl staring back at her. She felt lost and confused. She was terrified she was going to lose him for her inability to love him. She broke out of her thoughts when pain rippled through her abdomen and it made her cry out in shock. Really? Now? She should have known her period would come when she least it expected it. At least she'd have a few days before it got worse and she bled. She was startled when Michael transmuted in the bathroom looking worried.
"What is it?" he asked panicked. She blinked at him confused for a moment before she realised he'd heard her.
"Period," she stated with a frown. Trying to push all of her worries to the side for now. She let him lead her back out to the bedroom and got her in bed while he went to get a tea from Zoe. She really didn't need this bullshit when she was already feeling fragile.
Two days passed by with her laid up in bed and her over-emotional state only added to her suffering. He was done with her, she was sure of it. The tea made her so tired that when she woke up, he'd already be gone for class. He wouldn't return until after dinner and then he'd lay in bed with her. But he seemed so distant. He didn't come up between classes to check on her and it just felt like he was slipping from her grasp. She was sitting on her bed crying as fucking usual. She had been so overwhelmingly sad that she hadn't even been horny. Michael hadn't worn his hoodie today and she had it on, letting his fiery scent soothe her aching heart. She wondered how she'd cope when he left her. Without his soothing scent or silky voice. His bright blue eyes. It only brought another wave of tears that seemed to never end.
The bedroom door opened and her watery eyes looked over, seeing Michael come in. He gave her a sympathetic smile as he walked in and started taking his shoes off. He'd given up on asking her what was wrong since her only answer would be hormones. But to her, it seemed like more distance. She stood up on shaky legs, slightly out of it from the tea. He took his jacket off and turned around, tilting his head as she just watched him with sad eyes.
"Michael…" she whispered. It turned into a pitiful sob though and she covered her mouth with her hand. His face fell as he looked at her. She looked tiny, swamped in nothing but his large black hoodie. He took a step towards her, hesitant like he was worried she would break if he touched her.
"Please don't leave me," she cried helplessly. If she was in her right mind her mouth wouldn't have opened at all. But right now she was very vulnerable and upset.
Michael's eyes widened as he looked at her like she'd grown another head.
"What? Leave you? Why would I do that?" he asked incredulously. Her tearful eyes looked at him and it felt like someone stabbed him in the heart at the look on her face. He had no idea where the hell this was coming from.
"You're tired of me! I know you are! I saw your face the other day, when I didn't say it back! I can't-" her sentence was cut off as her lungs squeezed painfully. Of course, now was the time a panic attack would arise. She hadn't had one for years. She stumbled back, gasping for air as she felt like she was being smothered. Michael darted to her, noticing her struggling to breathe and she fell to her knees. He followed her to the floor as he cradled her face.
"Amy? What's happening?!" he asked frantically. He hadn't had time to fully comprehend what she had said before she suddenly couldn't breathe. Right now all he could focus on was the fact she was gasping for air.
"Z-Zoe," she wheezed out. He nodded, transmuting right out of the room.
She braced her hands on the floor as she tried her hardest to suck in air but it wasn't working. Her vision was going spotty as her chest heaved. Zoe suddenly appeared right in front of her and copied Michael's motions of cradling her face as she looked at her.
"Shit," the girl muttered, shaking her head.
"What's wrong with her?!" Michael's eyes were wide and panicked as he stared at the two.
"Panic attack," Zoe replied as she sat on the floor in front of Amy.
"Amy! Listen to me okay? You're okay, just breathe. You're okay, you're safe," Zoe soothed in a calming voice. Michael watched the exchange with a heavy heart. Had this been his fault? Her words were now soaking into his brain. She thought he was going to leave her all because he hadn't hidden his disappointment well. She felt pressured by him and now she was struggling to breathe. The guilt was weighing heavy on him and he swallowed thickly feeling tears sting his blue eyes.
"Good girl, that's it, nice and slow. You can do it. Me and Michael are right here, you're safe," Zoe soothed. Michael watched with wide eyes as Amy's eyes drifted to him, looking almost frantic like she thought he'd be gone. It only hurt him further.
He stepped closer to her, his glassy eyes pained.
"I'm here Amy, just breathe," he pleaded brokenly. He watched as Zoe stroked the girl's hair softly and Amy's breathing slowed down little by little. When she could finally breathe again, she burst into tears as she clutched onto Zoe desperately. Wailing into the girl's shoulder. Zoe was surprised but wasted no time in holding her close and stroking her hair. She looked over Amy's shoulder to Michael who stood there with his lower lip quivering as he watched her.
"Michael, could you give us a moment?" Zoe asked carefully. His brow furrowed for a moment, not liking the idea of leaving her in this state. But the look in Zoe's eyes was firm and he found himself nodding, wiping his eyes before he left the room.
Zoe helped Amy into bed again and after ten minutes her crying subsided to sniffles and Zoe could finally move to look at her.
"Amy… what happened?" Zoe asked with furrowed brows. As much as the girl was usually a mess during this time of the month, this was different. She hadn't had a panic attack in so long and she knew something had to have triggered it.
"He's going to leave me," she whispered with a shaky voice. She sounded so broken that it ached Zoe's heart.
"What? Michael?" she asked incredulously. Amy just nodded and lowered her head as more tears fell down her cheeks.
"Why would you think that?" Zoe frowned.
"Because I'm broken. I can't love anyone and it's not enough for him anymore. Zoe, I'm gonna lose him and I can't deal with it," she started sobbing again and Zoe grabbed her hand.
"Did he say that to you?" Zoe asked. Amy looked up at her then and frowned before shaking her head.
"No, but I can just feel it," she admitted sadly.
"Amy, I don't think he's going to leave you. He thinks the world of you. He just transmuted himself down into my room wailing about how he thought you were dying," she said with a dry snort. It hadn't been funny at the time, she thought she was genuinely on the brink of death. But clearly, Michael didn't know about panic attacks or that Amy had suffered them at one time. Amy blinked at her for a moment, letting the words sink in.
"Maybe he still cares, but he's gonna leave. I don't even know what love is Zoe, how am I supposed to say it back? He deserves more than this," she lamented. Zoe shifted to face her fully, still holding her hand.
"How do you know he loves you?" Zoe asked. Amy frowned deeply at the weird question and looked back down at their hands.
"He tells me," she shrugged.
"What else? How does he show you he loves you?" she asked. Amy blinked for a moment, her mind thinking over the question for a while.
"He does a lot of things, but it's more just… I don't know how to explain it. I can just feel it. The way he looks at me. Myrtle once said he looks at me like I hung the moon and painted the stars just for him," she murmured softly. It made a dull ache appear in her chest.
"You mean the same way you look at him?" Zoe countered with a smirk. Amy chewed her lower lip and shrugged.
"How do you feel when you think about him?" Zoe asked softly.
"I care about him. More than I have anyone. When I'm with him, he makes me feel so… warm and safe. Like nothing bad can happen. He's the most amazing soul I've ever met. When he smiles, it makes my insides feel all weird. I feel like I can't live without him," she admitted honestly. When she looked back at Zoe she was grinning at her and it only confused her.
"Amy, I'm not you but honestly, that sounds like love to me," she said with a warm smile.
"But… it can't be. I'm not capable of it Zoe," she protested.
"Why? Because of everything you went through? Amy, it doesn't mean you can't love someone. I mean you also said you thought no one would love you and look, the boy's head over heels for you! You're not broken or damaged by your past. You just don't know what love is. But everything you just said to me, that's how I felt about Kyle. And I know I loved him," a sad look passed over Zoe's face at the mention of her once boyfriend and Amy's heart raced.
"Fuck… I actually love him," she muttered incredulously, as if only just considering it for the first time.
She had genuinely thought it wasn't something she could do. That her heart was cold and it would remain frozen in the confines of her ribcage for as long as she roamed the earth. But the feelings she had for him, they weren't anything she had ever felt with people she had been with. Not even Ryan. She remembered getting jealous over Jessica when she touched him. Even now, having a panic attack over the simple thought he would leave her. Her feelings ran deeper than she first thought. Now she mulled around the idea around that she wasn't broken, that she could be capable of love. It was like her mind realised just how deeply she cared for the boy. She fucking loved him and she had been blind to it this whole time.
After Zoe left, Amy sat on the bed with more clarity than she'd ever had. She couldn't believe she hadn't realized it sooner now that she knew. Because she looked at Michael the exact same way he looked at her. Everything seemed so clear now. Her blue orbs wandered to the door as Michael came back in. His eyes were red-rimmed and he sniffled, showing her he had been crying. He looked at her warily making no move to go to her as he stood at the foot of the bed.
"Amy… I'm-" he started with a shaky voice.
"Wait, just… sit down, please? We need to talk," she said softly. His eyes widened and he looked frightful as he sat down. He was convinced she was going to leave him for what he had done. For how he had made her feel. He was a monster and he didn't deserve her. And now she knew that. A painful lump was situated in his throat as his glassy eyes stared at her.
"When we first started this thing, I told you I couldn't love someone. You saw some of my memories, you know why. I act like it doesn't bother me, like what happened never mattered. But it does. I've always felt broken. Cold. I didn't know what love was so I didn't think I'd ever be able to feel it," she started. He nodded, toying with his hands as his lower lip wavered. This felt very much like a break-up speech and it made his stomach churn.
"I was scared. You're just… so fucking amazing and hurting you was the last thing I ever wanted to do. But I was powerless to stop what was going on with us. I started caring for you more and more. It was different to anything I ever had with other people. And every time you told me you loved me, you never expected me to say it back. I was so grateful for it. Not to feel pressured or scared. But then… the other morning, I saw your face after you said it," she furrowed her brows a little and his heart sank as he looked at her. He had been so stupid. He had been selfish and he hadn't hidden it well and now he'd ruined everything.
"The more I thought about it, the more scared I got. That you were tired of me. That you were sick of me not saying it back. I know you deserve more than that. You deserve everything and I couldn't give you what you wanted. I thought you'd finally realised it and you were going to leave," she admitted softly.
A deep frown etched on his face as his shaky hand darted out and took hers.
"I'd never leave you no matter what," he insisted desperately. Her eyes widened a little at his tone, the panic on his face and she smiled warmly at him.
"I know that now. And you know how much of a mess I get when I'm due my period and things just got out of hand today with my thoughts. I haven't had a panic attack in years and the thought of losing you… it fucking scared me. And then, I talked to Zoe," she said carefully. A dark look passed his face and she felt him grip her hand tighter.
"And she told you to leave me," he stated, like he thought it was a fact. She snorted and the amused noise made his eyes snap up to hers as he furrowed his brow.
"No, she opened my eyes," she said firmly. His confused look only grew as he looked at her, now not understanding at all what was going on. She crawled over to him and straddled his lap and despite his confusion, his hands found her hips. He didn't know if this was the last time he'd get to touch them and the thought made his black heart bleed.
She cupped his cheeks and he blinked his watery eyes at her, waiting for the words he knew were coming. Waiting for her to say he needed to go away and never come back.
"Michael… I…" her voice was shaky as she tried to compose herself, to gather the courage to say the words. All he could do was stare at her as the weight grew in his chest.
"Fuck, I love you, okay? And… And I might not be able to say it every day, or whenever you say it to me. My brain is still trying to adjust to the fact I can actually love someone. But that doesn't mean I don't. Because I do. I fucking love you Michael Langdon so you're stuck with me now," she stated with a slight smirk on her lips. He gaped at her in total shock. Those were the words he had not expected and he was dumbstruck for a moment as he blinked at her. Her smirk faded as she watched him and she felt nervous.
"Shit Michael, say something," she pleaded under her breath. Her tone was worried and it snapped him out of his daze. His lower lip quivered as his eyes shone with tears and he pulled her closer, hiding his face in her neck as he started sobbing. She sat there for a moment, unsure of what to do. This wasn't the reaction she had expected. He was holding her so tightly she could barely breathe and she stroked his hair soothingly, not knowing what to say.
He pulled his face away and his cheeks were damp, but he was smiling at her and it was the most glorious thing she had ever seen.
"I thought… I thought you were going to leave me. Because I-I made you have a panic attack. I'm a monster and you know I am and I thought-" he started rambling through his tears. She shushed him with a soft kiss and his relaxed under her touch. It was a short and sweet kiss and she moved away, her thumbs stroked his salty tears away.
"You're not a monster Michael, and I'm not leaving you. You're not a monster at all. I had a panic attack because my head got carried away and I care about you too much to lose you. It's me and you forever remember?" she smiled at him. He nodded, his fingers stroking the skin on her lower back as he looked up at her adoringly.
"I know you've done bad things, but you've got good in you. I've seen it. Even your demonic side has good in it. People make mistakes all the time. Its fucking human. And I'll be there every step of the way no matter what. No matter how many slip-ups happen. I'll be here. Remember how I told you the day after we met that it speaks volumes to me that you're here and you're trying?" she asked softly. He nodded and sniffled, giving her that look again. The one she told Zoe about.
"I meant it and I still do. You've done awful things because people used and exploited you. You've dealt with so much heartbreak and abandonment. Yet you haven't let it define you. You're here now with us. With me. I'm not expecting you to be holier than thou now you're here with the coven. But no one is all good or all evil, even the fucking Antichrist. I've seen it with my own eyes and your dad can fucking fight me if he says otherwise," she smirked wryly. He laughed and shook his head at her. He couldn't believe how he got so lucky to have her in his life. His constant. His stable safe space. Someone who believed he wasn't fully evil but yet understood that he wasn't fully good either. She was everything he had ever craved and needed in his life and now he finally found her. She was amazing in every sense of the word. His life companion. His soul mate.