Olivia
Context is everything.
Before, in the light of new love, Elliot's arm around me was a comfort; a victory.
After, after her and all she meant and woke inside me, it was an anchor. He wasn't holding me as much as holding me down.
Before; a child was all I wanted, a family, something stable, something I never had.
After that, stability was a stake, a trap and my god did I long to wander from it.
Of course, I said nothing. I painted a smile across my face and spouted cliches like my life depended on it. I had everything I ever wanted. Or at least thought I wanted, and I couldn't turn around and admit I was wrong.
But I was wrong. So wrong.
I discovered that in earnest when I reluctantly accepted an invitation for dinner with Nick and Casey.
Awkward.
That was one way to describe it.
Olivia and Elliot were a married couple, and it was expected that they would hang out with other couples.
Usually, that expectation led to encounters that were dull in the extreme, endless discussions about home improvements, parenting techniques, and fad diets reigned supreme. But they were dull, and dull was easy. It was simple for Olivia to smile and nod along to the pointless curated rhetoric of their so-called friends.
But then there was Casey. Casey and Nick. Putting their names together in a manner to suggest a coupling made Olivia feel sick even as she knew she had no right to feel that way.
Olivia was unsure how the arrangements were made, perhaps Nick had run into Elliot in the course of his work, but however it transpired, she found herself in an unenviable scenario: sitting opposite her former paramour - her husband's arm around her shoulder, trying to keep the small talk light but plentiful.
Silence meant time to think, to observe.
What she had observed so far was a tension; but not the tension she anticipated.
As expected, Casey looked like she'd rather be anywhere else, but the source of her annoyance seemed to sit on the same side of the table.
Nick had a smile plastered on, but his shoulders were tense enough to snap. When they arrived and Casey ordered a scotch, Nick had muttered something along the lines of it being early to start on the hard stuff. Rather than shrug it off as a joke or roll her eyes, Casey had half-whispered, "if that's the kind of mood you're in tonight, I'll make it a double."
Nick had followed it up with, "I'm kidding, you've gotta have a pretty high tolerance for it by now…"
Casey had leveled a glare, but Olivia quickly interjected with an empty comment about the weather. It was instinct. Olivia had always been inclined to defusing tension.
Not that she had defused it completely. Casey made it a point to talk directly to Elliot leaving her to talk shop with Nick. Olivia found her attention drifting from Nick, watching Casey's every move. The way she pressed her body to the cold ceramic tiles on the wall of the booth, getting as far away from Nick as possible. Her taut expression when he affectionately placed his hand on her thigh under the table. The way that she was throwing drinks back faster than usual.
Olivia finally got her chance when Casey headed to the bathroom. She waited a beat before following, stationing herself by the sinks. When Casey finally emerged, her expression exhausted, she looked to Olivia and rolled her eyes.
"What do you want detective?" She spat as she wrenched the tap.
Olivia looked at Casey's reflection in the mirror, attempting to catch her eye, to no avail. The other woman flicked her hands but kept her eyes downward.
"I wanted to make sure you were okay."
Casey crosses her arms, rolling her eyes, "why do you care?"
"That's not fair Casey…"
Casey raised her hand, "no, what isn't fair is you following me in here to remind me just how hard it is for you to live with the choices you made. Seriously, how exactly did you think this was going to go?"
"It's not like I arranged this evening,"
"You didn't have to accept the invitation."
"But I did, probably for the same reason you did," Olivia shrugged, "I couldn't exactly tell Elliot why it wouldn't be… appropriate."
Casey's expression softened, a smile tugging at her lips, "Nick actually argued that I had to go because he wants me to have more female friends. Ironic that the king of paranoia is pushing me to spend time with my former…"
Her words trailed off, and Olivia understood why. There wasn't a name for what they were, what happened between them. It wasn't a relationship by definition, but it was somehow more and less at the same time.
"I don't know Nick that well, we were only partners for a few months, but he always seemed wound a little tight."
"Understatement of the year," Casey muttered, then quickly changed tone, "but there's nothing to worry about. It's not like I haven't given him cause for his paranoia."
"But are you happy?" Olivia asked. Casey's expression hardened again.
"I appreciate your concern," Casey said, "but that's none of your business. Now let's get back to the table before El and Nick burst in here to 'rescue' us."
Olivia followed Casey back in silence.
The rest of the evening progressed in the same taut awkward cadence, and Olivia had to hold back from blurting out 'oh thank god!' when Elliot finally looked at his watch and suggested they call it a night.
Elliot and Nick had taken the designated driver role, so Olivia settled herself in the passenger seat. Her entire body felt slack as the tension of the evening slipped away.
"You have fun Liv?" Elliot asked.
"Sure," Olivia said.
"Didn't you get a sense that…" Elliot's words trailed away, "I don't know. What's your impression of Amaro?"
Olivia shrugged, "don't know him well enough to have an opinion."
"I've heard he's a bit of a hothead, guys around the precinct, you know…"
Olivia gave Elliot's shoulder a little nudge, "what do you think they say about you around the precinct El?"
"Hey, I know what it's like to have a reputation, but what's bothering me is how he was acting toward Case. She seemed different."
"Novak seemed cranky, sarcastic and just a little bit hostile to me," Olivia rattled off, "but I wouldn't call that 'acting different'. I'd call that business as usual."
"I know you and Casey don't see eye to eye, but something just seemed off, I can't put my finger on it."
"Big brother Elliot to the rescue," Olivia sighed, "trust me, if anyone is in danger in that situation, it's Nick. God help him if he crosses her."
"Huh," Elliot sighed, redoubling his attention on the road.
Olivia couldn't admit to Elliot that she knew exactly what he meant. Her stomach was twisting in knots, but admitting to caring was the thin end of the wedge.
They hadn't been home a minute before Nick spat,
"What the hell is wrong with you?"
Casey squeezed her eyes shut wondering if he'd drop it if she just ignored him. She wasn't halfway to counting to ten before he cured that delusion,
"Casey, I asked you a question?"
As if the evening hadn't been punishment enough. Casey headed to the bedroom, shucking her shoes off as she went. Predictably, Nick followed.
"Not tonight," Casey said wearily as she shuffled through her closet for an alternative outfit.
"So that's it? You're just gonna walk out again?" Nick huffed. Casey hadn't intended on leaving, she was searching for sleepwear, but that was a damn good idea.
"Nothing good can come of talking to you when you're in this sort of mood," Casey said, silently wondering if Alex would be up for a late-night caller.
"Yeah?" Nick said, "and whose fault is that? How am I meant to feel? You made me look like an ass in front of my colleagues. Again."
Casey sighed, leaning back against the wall, "and how exactly did I do that?"
Nick glared, "like that. Exactly like that. The passive-aggressive comments, ignoring me, looking at me like I'm something that got stuck on your shoe. That's not right, and you know it."
Casey hadn't intended to upset Nick. Truth be told, he had been the farthest thing from her mind. But emotions wise, Nick was a debt collector. He hoarded up slights and perceived wrongs like it was his job. And he always came to collect. Had she hurt him? Perhaps. The fact that she didn't mean to was irrelevant. The fact that it didn't even cross her mind was everything.
Casey worked her jaw and wondered if she ought to cut the cord. Late in the evening with a heavy lace of Dutch courage, it was tempting. But as she cast her thoughts into how that conversation would go, the drama, the tension, the hurt, she settled on the easy option instead,
"I'm sorry you feel that way Nick, I really am." The words left her lips flat with insincerity. She hadn't meant it that way, but duplicity has never been her strong suit.
Nick tossed his keys onto the dresser hard, they skipped up against the vanity mirror with a jarring clunk then sunk seated onto the bed.
Casey continued to get dressed, tossing her generic black dress into the laundry basket in favor of a more casual jeans and T-shirt affair.
As she gave herself the once over in the mirror, Nick appeared over her shoulder, "so that's it?" He said, brows furrowing, "you gonna go slink off to Liv and El's place? Tell them how the big bad man was mean to you?"
Casey met his glare in the mirror, "there are a lot of adjectives I could use to describe you Nick. Big isn't one of them."
It was flippant, cruel. The words tripped off her tongue before she had the chance to consider them, and before she had the chance to weigh up an apology, Nick spun her round, planting his hands either side of her head, his body pinning her to the wall.
"You think you can push my buttons?" Nick said, "trying to make me flip out and hit you so you have an excuse to leave and feel sorry for yourself?"
Casey pressed her back against the wall, "you need to take a step back."
Nick shook his head, "why don't you make me? Shouldn't be hard since I'm such a little man, right?"
"I'm not trying to start a fight with you," Casey said, "just let me leave. We both know how this plays out if this gets physical."
Nick leaned close, "you get to run off to Elliot and play the victim? Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Here's the thing - if I really wanted to hurt you, I know exactly how to do it without leaving a mark."
Casey tensed, "that a threat?"
Nick backed away, snatching his keys up from the dresser, "no. Because here's the thing, even when I'm mad at you, I still love you. If you wanna go out, fine. But I'm driving you."
Casey couldn't recall when they'd started using the L word. At some point it had happened, and she must've reciprocated, otherwise it would have been another bone of contention. She hadn't meant it, at least not in the same way, but it still set her teeth on edge when he invoked it during an argument. Arguments which were getting more regular and intense by the day.
Casey couldn't think about that, not now. She needed to get out, cool down, clear her head. She couldn't do that with Nick in tow.
"Thanks Nick, but I'm a grown-up. I know how to call a cab."
Nick set his hand against the bedroom door frame, "it's past midnight, and you're drunk. Either I'm driving, or you're staying put. Your choice."
Casey dugs her nails into her palms in an attempt to quell the heat rising in her chest.
She was a goddamn adult. She could go where she wanted when she wanted.
"Like you give a solitary fuck about my safety," Casey said, "you just want to know where I'm going because you're a paranoid ass."
Nick shrugged, but remained in the doorway, "think what you want, throw a tantrum if it makes you feel better. I'm not letting you walk out alone at this time of night."
Casey stomped up to Nick, "you're not 'letting' me? You don't have a choice."
"No, you don't have a choice, unless you're planning to abseil out of the bedroom window."
"Why do you even care where I'm going?" Casey said.
"Can't say I do," Nick said, "but I want you to get there safely, and that ain't happening if I let you stumble out of here. Interesting that you're so intent on making sure I don't know where you're going."
She could have just said she was headed to Alex's house. Nick wouldn't have argued about it, he was only concerned with male 'friends'. But something about his tone, the way he leaned against the door frame, confident she wouldn't attempt to pass set her off.
"Move," Casey said, stepping up to Nick. His brows rose for a second before he responded,
"Make me."
His smug face. His smug, stupid face. It was a spark and her hands were suddenly on his collar wrenching him away from the door.
At least that was the intention. In reality, Casey gripped the lapels of his shirt, but he was an immovable object. In frustration, Casey thumped the heel of her hand against Nicks's chest and that was enough. Nick took hold of her wrists and rushed her against the wall, flipping her around.
"Alright so that's assault, I could take you in, but if you wanna push further…"
Nicks's words are the tinderbox, but for once she could see the flame sparking.
Casey's hands fell limp beside her body, exhausted. Without a word she headed for their bed, praying morning would lend clarity or something to proceedings.
Casey
When Nick eventually followed me to bed I pretended to be asleep but it didn't work. My restlessness keyed him in and eventually, I caved.
I straddled him, rocked my hips and stared blankly at the ceiling; I waited for the inevitable and it didn't take too long. It wasn't satisfying, but it worked for him. And I was mad as hell in the moment, but after… after I know what I did. I wanted this - if only to apportion blame. It worked in the short term, but I felt so dirty all over I showered for north of an hour after to feel almost clean. Half measures were not working, but they were all I had.