Things had been more than a little awkward after the resolution of Faith's ultimatum. None of Xander's friends were exactly happy that he was in jail, and the reality of not having their friend around became harder to bear when it wasn't just hypothetical anymore. Faith herself was confident that she had done the right thing, but that didn't stop her from hating herself for doing it. It was an impossible situation that she had put everyone in, and if she was being honest with herself, it was more than a little petty of her.
In the end, whenever she began to seriously question whether or not she had done the right thing, she always ended up at the same spot. A dark alley at night about three years ago, when she'd accidentally killed Allan Finch. Buffy had shown up at her motel room the next morning to try to get her to open up about it, and Faith had told Buffy that she just didn't care that she had just killed a man. It was one of the biggest lies she'd ever told, and she'd told it mostly to fool herself. She wanted to have an excuse to not feel the guilt and the self-loathing that had been welling up inside of her.
Seeing Xander Harris going about his life, not caring in truth about what he had done… It tore Faith up inside. Yes, he hadn't done the deed directly, and he hadn't seen, felt, and smelled the bodies, but he still should have felt some sense of regret. Maybe Faith felt that she deserved to be held to the same standards as the rest of Buffy's friends, or vice versa.
Whatever the truth, nobody was particularly happy with Faith for the weeks immediately afterwards. Anya was obviously the most upset, and she had decided to bar Faith from using the Magic Box's back room to train in. It was really the only piece of leverage she had, and Faith couldn't blame her. Thankfully, she could afford a gym membership now.
Dawn had also been really pissed with her, but her case was more of a kid sister being angry over a really serious decision that had to be made. They lived together in the same house, and sometimes Dawn forgot how angry she felt she was supposed to be at Faith, only to remember at the strangest time, usually in the wake of some other minor argument.
Willow had surprised Faith and hadn't been very angry at her, though she had made it clear that while they were in agreement on this, she didn't like the feeling of herself and all of her closest friends being held captive like that. Faith suspected that Willow's anger was being held at bay thanks to her renewed relationship with Tara. The two of them had been seeing each other in random, stolen moments, and the confrontation with Xander had served as a catalyst to finally bring them back together, mostly by showing them both that Willow really had learned from her mistakes.
As for Buffy, Faith still found her hard to read sometimes, but her sister slayer had barely even brought the matter up, save to say that she was going to pay Xander a visit at any given time during visiting hours. Whenever Faith tried to apologize, Buffy shushed her and changed the subject. She couldn't tell if Buffy was angry or sad or in denial or if she didn't even care. Whatever the case, she didn't seem to want any bad feelings between herself and Faith.
As for the man himself, Buffy had gotten Xander a good lawyer, and with the confession that he'd 'pulled a prank' that had inadvertently gotten a 'killer for hire' to stage four deaths to look like spontaneous combustion… Well, being both indirect and unintentional counted for a lot in court, apparently. Four counts of involuntary manslaughter had been the eventual charge, with each count requiring two to four years in jail, but Xander would probably be out a lot sooner on good behavior. He wasn't a mean guy at all, just a bit stupid sometimes.
A few more months passed and Dawn stopped being quite as irritable, though Anya knew how to hold a grudge. Sunnydale was still home to the Hellmouth, and there were inevitably vampires and other demons to slay, though thankfully no outright apocalypses that had to be stopped. All in all, but the time spring came around, things were looking up.
It was a Friday night, and Faith was at the Bronze, alternating between seductress on the dance floor and warmer of a barstool. Whatever she was doing at the Bronze was all an act, however. Gone were the days when Faith could dance with Buffy after a night of slaying together and trick herself into believing that there was more between them than there ever could be. No, Faith was here as the Slayer. It was a Friday, kids were staying up late, and a vampire wouldn't find it hard to lure someone out back to feed.
Memories of Faith's first meeting with Buffy came flowing back to her. Faith had been out on the dance floor in pants so tacky that she wouldn't have bothered with them if she hadn't needed clean clothes, and she'd long since moved on from whichever place she'd stolen them from. The vamp had been so obvious about what he was, and Faith was all too happy to let him believe he'd found easy prey.
Before she could even finish the job, Buffy and her friends had already come out to help who they thought was just another damsel in distress. Faith remembered realizing for the first time that she was looking at Buffy Summers, the hero she'd fallen in love with before ever meeting her, and she'd ended up saving her life. In her haste to flee from Kakistos, Faith hadn't even managed to find a stake she could keep on her person. Buffy was prepared, of course, so Faith had borrowed the stake, killed the vamp, and went on to finally meet the woman of her dreams.
Things had gotten so much more complicated, and they'd all made mistakes from the small to the terrible, and here they were now. Three years and change later, and Faith was back here at the Bronze on her own to give Buffy and the Scoobies some space. Part of Faith felt bad about doing what she did in order to get Xander to confess, but another part of her whispered that if she hadn't issued her ultimatum, then nothing would have changed. Faith didn't like it when those little voices told her to accept something she didn't like, but this one voice made a lot of sense.
No vampires or other demons seemed to be haunting the club so far, but something caught Faith's attention. Turning towards the entrance, she saw Willow showing the bouncer her ID before walking over to where Faith was seated at the bar. Faith tried not to break eye contact, but something didn't feel right. The two of them had gotten on better ever since Willow's recovery, but they still weren't the closest of companions. It was usually Buffy or Dawn who came to Faith if something needed to be said. Or barring them, then Tara.
Faith turned to face Willow as the witch sat on the stool next to her. "What's up, Red?" she asked carefully, not wanting to invite any wrath – magical or otherwise – upon herself.
For her part, Willow didn't look hostile, but her face wasn't exactly soft, either. "Hey, Faith," she said a tad meekly, just barely loud enough to be heard over the din of the crowd. "So, um… Buffy's out on patrol. Well, not quite patrol, but something came up. Something specific, and she left to deal with it. Tara's back at the house with Dawn, so she's safe. But, Buffy wanted you to be at the house when she gets back."
Faith thought she heard all of what Willow was saying, but with the enhanced hearing that came with being a Slayer, she was picking up on every little thing in the Bronze. "It's a bit hard to hear you, Red," Faith said.
Willow looked around, then closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Over the span of a few seconds, the din of noise began to soften until it was just audible enough to pick out anything that might go wrong, but soft enough that most of the noise was just gone. Opening her eyes, Willow looked to Faith with a scared look on her face. "Is… Is this better?"
Then it hit Faith. Willow had just used magic, maybe for the first time since the accident with Dawn. "Much better. And kudos to you, Willow. You kept it under control, didn't go off the deep end. I don't know how many spells you've done since, well, you know. But I remember when I was going through some tough times. I told Angel that I didn't know if I'd make it through the next few minutes. He just told me to worry about the next few seconds. And then the few seconds after that. And again. Baby steps, you know? And even if it looks like a baby step to everyone else, it's a big deal for you. I mean, it was for me, so… God, I'm no good at this. Just, you did good, Willow. You're doing good, you hear me?"
Willow nodded a bit quickly, then held her head as if the sudden head motion had made her dizzy. Or was it the magic? "Yeah. I hear you. A-and thanks for saying that. It helps to hear that from someone who's been there. I mean, not exactly the same place, but trying to get back on the right path. And that's both of us. Still trying, I mean. And that's why Buffy wants you back at the house before she gets home."
Faith nodded. "This sounds like a big deal of some kind. Mind filling me in?"
Willow nodded her head again, just once and slowly this time. "Someone came to visit Buffy while you've been out here at the Bronze. They're hunting down some sort of demon that breeds really quickly, trying to prevent an infestation that could kill the whole town if it isn't nipped in the bud."
Faith thought she understood. "Killer tribbles, got it. And someone from outta town is helping B with this? Or is this someone in Sunnydale who just dropped by because they had a lead or something?"
"Out of town," Willow said. "Not from Sunnydale, but spent a bit of time here a couple of years ago. I don't know if you remember him, but you did stuff, and it hurt Buffy maybe more than anything else you did during the body swap. I can only imagine what it did to him."
And then it clicked, and Faith swore under her breath. "Riley." Faith could have sworn her voice quivered as she said the name. Once upon a time, she would've knocked the crap out of anyone who looked at her if she ever showed such a sign of vulnerability, but those days were mostly gone. And for this particular case, she knew she'd screwed up big time. The only thing worse that she'd done had been killing Lester Worth, who'd been the unlucky innocent man in the mayor's way that Faith had been dispatched to kill. Alan Finch, despite Faith killing him, had been an accident.
When Faith had been in control of Buffy's body, she'd mostly just pretended to be Buffy in innocent ways. Checking in with her friends, partying here at the Bronze, and then booking a plane ticket out of the country so that she'd be able to start with a clean slate. Only she hadn't just done simple, innocent things. She'd met Tara for the first time, and it was Tara's first time seeing Buffy's body, and Faith had given far from the best first impression. Thankfully, the blonde witch had seen through the act, and she'd gotten along plenty well with Buffy from then on.
No, the worst of it was when Faith had decided that so long as she was 'being' Buffy, she'd felt entitled to treat herself to everything that Buffy had, and that included her boyfriend. His name was Riley – Faith never picked up on his last name – and he'd been a big guy, all muscle. Some kind of soldier, if Faith remembered correctly. Demon-hunting soldier, was it? Didn't matter. Faith had taken the opportunity to have sex with him, only it didn't go as planned. Buffy had it incredibly lucky, as Faith found out when he made love to her, thinking that she was Buffy.
Sex was something that Faith was intimately familiar with. Growing up, it had been expected of her, and she'd been forced to become an expert in pleasing people, and she'd eventually grown to enjoy the moments when she'd had some semblance of control. Her abuser – she refused to call him anything else now – had forced his way on top of her, but when she'd been pimped out, Faith always made sure that she was the one on top, that she was the one in control. For so long, it had been the only measure of control that she knew of, and she vowed that she'd never let anyone else take that control away from her ever again.
And then Faith had gone to see Buffy's boyfriend and tried to have her way with him, only to find something alien there. He'd been loving and soft and caring. Every gesture, every touch… It was clear that he truly loved Buffy, and he didn't have any intention of 'playing,' as Faith had intended. No, he'd made love to Faith, and somehow, Faith had found herself allowing him on top of her. And then he'd said those three terribly important words to Faith that had been intended for Buffy.
Faith had raped them both. Buffy and Riley. Faith had used one's body to have fun with the other, only it hadn't been fun. It had freaked her out more than she'd care to admit. "So, Riley's back," Faith said eventually, after processing all that it meant. "How's Buffy handling it? Did they, um… Did they break up or something? Or did he leave after she died?"
"He left beforehand. He was kinda freaked," Willow said. "He wasn't sure if he was able to handle little old Buffy being stronger than him, or that's the vibe I got. He didn't think that Buffy loved him the way that he loved her, and I don't know enough to say one way or another if that's the case or not, but that doesn't really matter right now, Faith. What matters is that there's this big elephant in the room, and it's rampaging around, making a mess, and you're the only one who can stop the rampaging elephant. Which doesn't make much sense, since elephants are really sweet and gentle, but you know what I'm trying to say, right?"
"I got it, Red, yeah. So, don't take this the wrong way, and this isn't me trying to make any excuses, but tonight was supposed to be an off night for B, and I promised her that I'd look out here at the Bronze. I wanna make things right, I do. But if a vamp shows up here-"
"I'll cover for you, Faith."
The brunette slayer looked at Willow and saw that she looked scared. "Are you sure? That one spell to help us hear each other made you kinda shaky, and you look more than a little scared right now. If you tell me that I can trust you, then I will, but you gotta mean it, okay?"
"I get it," Willow confirmed. "And, I'm not gonna lie and pretend that it doesn't scare me, that I might lose control if I do one small thing wrong. But after all you've done for me, and not to mention everything you've done for Buffy and Dawn…" Willow took a deep breath. "And you were there for Tara when I couldn't be. I like to think we might be close to getting back together, and I don't know if that'd be possible if not for you, Faith. So, for your sake, I'll make myself ready tonight. I'll handle any nasties here at the Bronze so that you can handle the nasties of your past. And judging by the look I saw on your face when I mentioned Riley's name, I'd say you're just about as freaked as I am."
Faith had to laugh at that. "Maybe so. All right. Time to face the music. Only figuratively this time, I hope."
Faith had tried to make her way back home as quick as she could, but the night had been unlucky in that regard. Passing the park on the way back from the Bronze, Faith had come across a few garden variety vampires. Not very old, but not fresh out of the grave, either. After allowing their victims to get away, Faith had fought them off, but it took longer than she'd have liked, and she took more hits than she'd have liked as well. By the time the last of the five vampires had been dusted, Faith was exhausted from a thirty-minute fight that by all rights should have been over in thirty seconds.
Faith told herself that it was because she was distracted, and for once, she didn't think she was lying to herself to make an excuse. What was waiting for her back home was far scarier than a few ordinary vampires. So it was that at about 9:45 in the evening, Faith unlocked the front door of 1630 Revello Drive and stepped inside.
Buffy and Riley were already there in the living area, and their heads both turned to face Faith as she entered. Dammit! I was supposed to be here first. Well, this is gonna hurt no matter what. Just do what you have to do. "Sorry. Ran into some vamps on the way back. Took longer than expected. My brain was more here than in the fight, I guess. Not an excuse, just letting you know why I'm late."
Faith racked her brain for what to say, and she was coming up near empty. "So, I've done a lot of awful things, but aside from killing an innocent guy, what I did to both of you… That's the worst thing I've ever done. And if I could go back in time and stop myself from being such a bitch, I would do it. But I can't. I can only say that I'm sorry, and I know that's not enough, and it never will be. I really don't know what else to say, so I guess if you want to unload on me, or beat the crap out of me, or whatever else you feel I deserve, then all right. I don't know if I can ever give you justice for what I did, but if you want payback, then I can let you have that. You deserve that much. Unless you still need to kill that demon, I guess, in which case I'll just wait here until that's done."
Faith tried her best to maintain eye contact, but she couldn't look at either of them right now, so Faith looked at her own two feet. It was stupid, and she was a coward, but that's how it was. Sometimes, things just sucked, and there was nothing you could do about it. Faith had learned that the hard way, and she was still learning it. It never made things any easier.
It felt like forever before someone spoke. "Sit down, Faith." It was Riley's voice. Faith didn't really remember what he sounded like, but he was the only guy in the room, and his words definitely sounded like a military commander speaking to someone down the food chain. Faith obeyed and found the nearest chair to park her rear and sat down. Despite being afraid, she forced herself to look up at Riley's face. He and Buffy were both standing up, and Faith felt like she was back in the defendant's chair when she'd confessed in that courtroom. Time to be judged again.
Riley just looked Faith in the eyes for a while, not saying anything. Faith had already said her piece, and she didn't trust herself to say anything else. Whatever Riley was thinking, his face didn't give anything away. But his eyes… He was analyzing Faith, she could tell. He was looking her over any studying her before passing judgment. Faith wasn't sure if she should be grateful that he was even considering her or if she just wanted him to condemn her and get it over with.
"You've changed, Faith," Riley said at last. "At least, according to Buffy, you have. Even without her word for it, you're not the same woman who came onto me two years ago. As for what it is you did to me – to both of us – back then… I'd be lying if I said I was happy about it. For so long after you left, I was furious. After everything the Initiative had done to me, finding out that someone had used my girlfriend to violate us both? Well, that was just the cherry on top of a really nasty sundae.
"But for all that I hated you for what you'd done to us, Faith, I hated myself even more. The way you acted in Buffy's body… I knew something was wrong. You weren't acting like Buffy. I knew that magic was a thing that had to be accounted for. I'd felt its effects, and if I had been thinking clearly, I would have insisted that you be checked out, or that you go back to your friends to make sure there wasn't some spell on you. But I didn't do any of those things. I let myself be deceived. To be clear, I'm not excusing what you did, because, wow! What you did was seriously wrong, Faith. Thankfully, you seem to understand that now. And we can talk all we want. The demon is dead, and the eggs are destroyed."
Faith nodded. "That's good. The demons being dead, I mean. And you're right. I messed up. No, that's not right. 'Messing up' is what happens when you make a simple mistake. What I did was just plain wrong, no two ways about it. Nothing's ever gonna change that."
"The past is the past, Faith," Riley said, his voice sounding less tense than it had a moment ago. "You're right. It can't be changed, no matter what. Growing up in Iowa, everything was simple. I was from a good Christian family that had simple values. Everything was clear cut. Good was good and evil was evil, and the lines separating them were stark as night and day. When I joined the army, I met new people, and not all of them held the same religious values that I grew up with. They were all good people, but part of me took a while to recognize that other views could be just as sound without invalidating how I felt.
"And then I joined the Initiative, and it was back to black and white. Humans on one side, demons on the other. Then I met Buffy, and things weren't so simple anymore. Humans couldn't always be trusted. Demons weren't necessarily the worst things out there. And I confess, for a long time, part of me thought that after Adam, that you were the worst monster I had ever encountered, Faith."
Faith felt each of his words like a blow to the gut, and it was all the worse because it was all said without any sort of malice or anger. Just simple facts being put out there for all to see. There was no use defending against reality, so Faith stayed silent and waited for Riley to continue.
"It wasn't until after everything with Adam went down that Buffy and I finally talked about what happened when she went to Los Angeles to hunt you down," Riley said, and Faith was surprised at his choice of words. Yes, Buffy had gone to hunt down Faith, but she hadn't expected to hear it that way from Riley's lips to her ears.
"When she told me about everything that had happened between you two, given me the full history after she'd had some time to cool down, I realized that while you'd definitely done wrong by us, you were yourself just a soul in terrible pain who didn't really know how to handle her problems any other way. I like to think of myself as a devout Christian, and the Bible teaches us to forgive those who wrong us. Even after hearing the full story, I confess that I found it hard to do so. It's easy to preach something, but practicing it when the chips are down is rarely as easy as we'd like it to be. Then again, faith is easy to have when it isn't put to the test. No pun intended."
"Didn't think so," Faith replied, but inwardly, she was freaking out for a different reason. Talk of forgiveness wasn't something that Faith had been expecting, and she wasn't sure if she was ready to accept it.
"When I heard you were in jail, I thought that it was right. That you were paying for your sins. You were strong enough to break out anytime you wanted, but as far as I know, you never did, so that alone made me rethink things. But then Buffy and broke up, and I was shipped out elsewhere, and I didn't give you another thought for a long while. And then I came back to get Buffy's help, and she told me that you had been helping her here, and I was forced to confront all of those feelings again.
"I don't know everything that's happened since I was gone, but from what little I've gathered, Buffy's had a rough time of things, and you've been helping her through it. The way she puts it, you've been a rock in her life. Something to cling to in order to steady herself when the rest of the world is a storm. And Buffy and I may not ever be what we once were, but I still care a great deal for her, and you helping her, it means a lot."
"She deserves it," Faith said, and now she did look up at Riley, a sad smile on her face. "You're not the only one who's ever loved her, you know?"
Riley actually smiled at that. "'And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.' Again, no pun intended. I don't know if I've reached a personal space where I'm able to entirely forgive what you did, but that's a reflection on my own imperfect humanity, not yours. From what I've gathered, you've been doing a lot to make up for what you've done, and you're doing so out of love. Love takes many forms, and if even one bit of that is helping you to be a better person, then I'll pray for you, Faith. And I'll pray that one day, I'll have the strength to forgive you. I like to think I'm on my way, but it's a journey."
Riley took a deep breath and turned to look at Buffy. "I think I've said all I need to say. But I wasn't the only one wronged, Buffy. Do you have anything to add?"
Faith looked to the woman she loved with terror in her eyes, and despite all the good that had come to bind the two Slayers together, Faith was still afraid.
Finally, Buffy spoke. "Faith and I have a lot of history. I know you don't want to hear this, Riley, but what she did to us… I can't lie and say that it didn't bother me, and that I didn't think I'd ever forgive her. But that was once upon a time. A lot has happened, and I'm not comfortable sharing all of it. But after everything that's happened, Faith is part of my family now. And family forgives. We don't forget, but we forgive, and we learn, and we move forward. And that's all we can really do now. Move forward, that is. But regardless of whether you forgive Faith or not, and regardless of whether I forgive you or not, Faith – and I do – there's one more person who you need to seek forgiveness from. And I really, really hope you're able to find it."
Faith wiped tears away from her eyes. "Damn, B. I know I've done so much bad stuff, and I want to make it right. Point me to whoever I did wrong by, and I'll get on my knees and beg if that's what it takes."
Buffy smiled, and Faith saw both warmth and sadness there. "It's not that simple, Faith. In the end, the only way you'll ever really feel complete is if you're able to forgive yourself."
"It's not easy," Riley said. "I still haven't forgiven myself for not seeing that you weren't Buffy that night. So many nights, I lie awake, wondering if I couldn't have helped if I'd just been a bit smarter, if I'd acted on my instincts instead of dismissing them. Asking forgiveness of other people is hard, since you don't know how they'll respond. Asking forgiveness from God is probably different for any given person. But asking forgiveness from yourself is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, and I'm still struggling with it. If nothing else, don't think less of yourself if you have trouble with that. We're each of us only human, after all."
"Only human…" Faith pondered the notion. Once upon a time, she'd thought of herself as better than human. Better than everyone else around her save for Buffy. They were Slayers. They'd been Chosen to save the world, and that made them better. Oh, how stupid she'd been. And of course, she couldn't have expected Riley to forgive her. But the notion that it was his fault for not being able to forgive, that was something that didn't sit right with Faith, but the boy seemed so sincere that she didn't dare try to refute him.
"I'm… Do you need to tell me anything else? I don't wanna chicken out, but I think I need to just, y'know… Sit and think about all of this. And Willow! Willow's watching the Bronze while we're here. She said she'd make herself ready and able to handle it, but if you could check on her, B?"
"Of course," Buffy said. "That's my cue to split, Riley. And I believe you have a wonderful wife waiting for you to get done talking about your past and start looking forward to your future."
"I do," Riley said with a smile. "Buffy, Faith… Good luck to you both. I can't say this has been pleasant, but it needed to happen, and I'm glad we had the chance to talk about this. One day, I don't know when, maybe I'll come by again. Maybe when we've both made a bit of progress, Faith?"
Why is he treating himself like he needs to get better like I do? He didn't screw everything up! Faith didn't understand him, but she just nodded. "Yeah, sure." That was all she could muster, so Faith stood up, turned on her heel and walked upstairs as quickly as she could, moved to her room, and collapsed on her bed.
Faith didn't bother changing out of her day clothes before tucking herself into bed. Maybe one day, she'd be able to fool herself into believing that she deserved forgiveness. Maybe one day, she truly would forgive herself, however much she doubted it.
One day, maybe. But not today.