"...I wanted to tell you...that I loved you."
It was a rainy day, the clouds were bearing down on me as my hair slicked itself too my eyes. I would have to wipe my hair away from my eyes to avoid being blinded..
I removed the flowers which I previously had resting right next to the gravestone, with the new ones that I just bought. I changed up the colors and got a light blue, in that illusion she was wearing a bright blue dress.
"...I can't stay for long, Tanya and I, have a mission tomorrow. That girl never rests." I chuckled as I sat myself down in front of the grave
The wet mud was sticking to my pants but I couldn't care less, I pressed my knees too my chest and wrapped my arms around them too warm myself. But I just felt colder as I began to violently shiver.
"Everybody has been very sad lately, you were always there light...but you were my sunshine." I whispered as I felt the tears lightly trickle down my cheek
It felt so cold, why did it have to be her.
Why? I was ready to give my life for her and the child but nothing, nothing was enough.
All that was in front of me was this long cold road that had no destination, I was just walking aimlessly through this life until somebody found my purpose for me.
My dream was Victorya, but that dream is now gone.
People think that a man sacrificing himself for his loved ones is sad, but in truth, it is much sadder, if the man fails to protect his loved ones. Then he is just left with the cold lifeless body. And the solitude of being alone.
"I wish...I wish...I wish I could have been better!" I screamed out as I broke into ugly sobbing
I sat there for what felt like eternity until I heard the splash of boots approach me as I held my head in my hands.
Maybe it was a killer...that would'ent be that mad, to be free from this torment. But as I lifted my head all I saw was an old lady wearing a thick coat.
"Frank...how long have you been here?"
"Ma'am?" I said as I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes as I quickly shot up. If I didn't leave now, she would ask me if I needed a place to stay
"Frank...where are you going? It's really late out."
"I have to go." I rushed as I began to move farther and farther away. I couldn't handle it...she would invite me to come too Victorya's house...I wouldn't be able to handle seeing any of her stuff
My teeth were clenched as I began too rush myself through the mud and the puddles until I felt a hand across my shoulder. She had Victorya's eyes, her brown hair was slowly going grey due to stress or maybe old age.
"Are you okay?" She said sincerely
I looked at her, those familiar eyes full of warmth and care as those words bore into me as I lightly slapped my back. "No." I whispered
She pressed her hand against my forehead as she began too check my temperature. "You're running a fever...if you need a place to stay or a warm meal. You can come to the house.
I moved her hand away as my eyes began to slowly close. "I'm fine." I whispered as my eyes began too slowly close, I quickly forced them back open as the woman stared at me.
"Why are you here?"
"I'm her mother...you really don't look okay. Your family, if you need help just ask."
My fingers went through my doused hair as my teeth began too chatter violently, maybe I could stay there for a little bit. Eat a warm meal, dry my clothes, I had a mission tomorrow with Tanya and I needed to be okay.
"Okay…"
She began to walk me too the house, every step that we took there made my whole body feel like it weighed an extra fifty pounds.
Why was I doing this? I couldn't handle seeing anything of her, after seeing that illusion I felt my heart be broken in two. There was nothing for me without Victorya...as I stared at her I could feel a strange lump of guilt.
This was the same woman who I was planning to steal her daughter away from, we were going to leave the country together and move to a completely new country. It wasn't certain when she would ever see her daughter again but all that I cared about was leaving.
She was about to take me into her home and feed me, but I was planning on taking her daughter away from her. If I felt wrong, sinister, I felt like I was deceiving and taking advantage of this woman.
She opened the door of the wooden gate leading towards the house as the rain began to beat heavily on us. The house was very small but had a strange homey feeling..
The light oak wood planks, the pleasant light coming from the window, and the stone columns made me feel a strange sense of...home.
A forgotten memory, it was like the cabin that Ma and Pa had when I was growing up. It was the place where ma told me about the story with the arrogant boy or the time Pa shown me how to harvest and grow crops.
But that was all that I could remember...I flushed that memory out of my mind as I entered the home as I took off my jacket and laid it down on the coat rack. This was my life now, whatever happened in the past could never be changed...all that matters is putting one foot in front of the other until we make it too the future.
Damn...that kinda reminded me of one of those poems I wrote in the journal. I ran my fingers through my hair again to dry off the wet particles.
"Are you hungry?"
"Yeah...I haven't eaten since yesterday."
"Oh god, well there are some clothes in the laundry room. You get ready and cleaned up." she said as she began to walk towards the kitchen
I walked towards the laundry room and stripped, I found a pair of brown worker pants and a white long-sleeved shirt. As I kicked off my boots and began to walk them back towards the front entrance, secretly praying that I didn't get mud or water on the wooden floor I saw a faint light.
A glance into the room I was passing, caused me to feel a strange stiffness in my bones. The boots slipped carelessly out of my hands like butter as they clanged on the ground. I pushed the door open, feeling a strange warmth inside of me.
The room was made out of the same oak. But it felt empty, the only things that were in there were a bed, a desk, and a chest pushed into the side of the room.
There were only two rooms in this house, and it would be a pretty safe guess for me to assume that this wasn't Victorya's moms room. I walked over towards the chest and flipped up the locks and I pushed it up.
Dolls, dresses, photos, and countless identical green uniforms were stacked neatly in the chest as I began to rummage through it. I picked up one of her uniforms and pressed it against my nose, maybe it was my imagination but I could smell her.
The lavender against my nose made me feel like I could call out to her, and she would appear right behind me.
But this was an illusion, a product of my grief. Maybe even the product of taking pain pills and drinking alcohol.
After I left the estate my body began to hurt from my injuries, so I took the pills and swallowed them down with the alcohol.
It was like a million pleasant heat rays spread through my veins, for the first time in weeks I had been able to smile as I tried to balance the motorcycle. I nearly collided or fell off a dozen times but the pain was gone.
All of these emotions were gone, the only thing that remained was this stinging pain in my heart as I tried to recount why I was so sad.
I finally felt that I was alive again. It felt so good. To be able to feel the wind whip you, or even feel the bright sun across your face...to see the sky.
There is a voice in my head, it tells me to quit. Too stop drinking, smoking, and too throw out those pain meds. But I never do it...I just keep on chasing this feeling that I know is probably slowly destroying my body.
"...I will die for your sins...if you will live for mine…" I whispered to myself as the pleasant daze began too wear off
I didn't know why I said it, maybe I felt like that was true. Maybe in my own personal opinion I was ready to die, hell there seemed too be nothing to live for.
I'm growing up and when I am gone, just like the rain outside it will one day rule the earth. And it is good that there is rain, it cleans up these filthy streets full of us sinners...and when these streets are clean...we can finally dance and sing in peace.
I felt a soft hand rest against my shoulder as I turned around seeing Victorya's mom staring down at me.
"I'm sorry." I sniffled as I wiped the snot away from the uniform
"Don't be she was your…wife."
She sat down on the bed as I pulled over a chair, I was still clutching too the uniform like I was a child holding onto a teddy bear. "Has Victorya ever told you about her father?"
"No...I assumed it was a sensitive topic, I tried to bring it up but she alway shut it down."
She took a deep breath as she rested her hands on her lap.
"It was when we were still living in our old country, it was getting worse by the day...and the revolution was slowly reaching its peak."
I sat on that seat motionless, I held onto that piece of cloth like it was gold.
"Victorya was maybe four at the time and she had a horrible fever, there was a raging snowstorm that night but he still went."
She looked out the window seeing the rain that splattered the window and the thunder probably brought her back too that day.
"He left and walked through the snow to the nearest town, and he told the pharmacist about the condition. The next morning the snow and hail were slowing down, and a car zoomed into our driveway."
She broke into a little smile, maybe she was just like me. Trying to forget or find something better to avoid the pain.
"We got the medicine, but we lost her father." she said somberly
"What happened." I said as my head shot up
She shook her head in response as she stared more intently out the window. "We were living in the outskirts of the country, it was a miracle that he even made it to the town to call for the medicine."
She turned away from the rain and I could see a soft tear slip down her cheek. "Why Niko, why couldn't you just wait for the storm to be over." she whispered
"Im...sorry." I mumbled as my finger tips dug into the uniform tighter, if I was a real man I would have comforted her. But I was as broken as she was.
She got up suddenly and paced towards the chest as she fished out something and walked back to me. A silver glint caught my eye, the ring.
It still had the wire around it that made it into a necklace, I dropped the uniform as Victorya's mother dropped it into my hands. I stared at it like it was some sort of mysterious artifact but a horrible feeling overtook me.
"Failure."
"No" I said as I gritted my teeth
"Excuse me." Victorya's mom said
"...Failure...failure...we failed her." the voice chuckled
"Leave me alone."
"Frank im sorry, when I got the ring I forgot to give it to you. I didn't want it to get lost or mixed up if I sent it by letter."
"Failure!" the voice screamed in my head
"Get out of my head!" I screamed as my right fist collided with my head
She backed up from me in fear, she held both of her hands up in surrender. She must've thought that I finally lost it...maybe I did. I was hearing voices that I knew weren't there.
"Frank, Karl told me how it would be better if I packed up her stuff and tried to move on. I'm sorry, I couldn't get it too you sooner."
I ran out of the room and quickly put on my boots as I threw the front door open and ran out. I was suffocating, even now I was outside it felt like there was barely any air to breath.
When I reached my motorcycle I wrapped the ring around my neck and wrapped my fist around it. It felt reassuring to feel the cold metal around it, and even the famailer banding was able to calm my senses.
I lightly kissed the ring..and for a second I felt calm again, I felt safe.
"...Failure...we couldn't save her...we can never save anybody." the voice chuckled
"Shut up!" I screamed out as my hands went to cover my ears
"Anes...Claire...Tanya...and Victorya, we can never save them!" the voice hollored into my ear as I slowly began to cry
I threw open my pouch and fumbled with the pill bottle until I broke it open, I threw them into my mouth and quickly uncorked the beer bottle that I had stolen from a bar and chugged the vile liquid down my throat.
"Failure" the voice said, but after a couple of minutes the voice was completely gone
I looked around feeling that familiar warmth spread throughout my body as I turned on the engine and began to ride
That warmth spread through me in beautiful rays of light, gracing me to be free from my pain and to be free from this despair. This was one of the only times in a while I felt content as I rode off into the sunset into the destinationless tomorrow.
The road began to disappear and was transformed into a field of yellow wheat, the motorcycle was gone and all that remained was the strange aura of warmth inside of my body.
I woke up in the woods, slouched over a piece of raw timber as I stared at the rising sky. And the high was gone, all that remained was despair.
I know how things seem bad now for Frank, but further through the story I promise things are going to get better.