Chapter 21: I Guess Even Demons Need Validation

"Are you sure about this, dear?"

"I agree with the mage. She is clearly not strong enough to handle this"

"Kallian, won't you reconsider? Maya is very capable, but right now…"

I quietly watched as the rest of the group discussed my imminent fate. They all made fairly good points, to be honest.

"You guys didn't see what I saw in the Fade. Maya can handle demons better than any of us, trust me in this"

And yet Kallian kept answering like that. I mean, yes, my part of the dreaded Fade quest at the Circle Tower had gone unexpectedly smoothly, somehow. But I wasn't grieving back then. I didn't feel nearly as vulnerable.

"She's got this"

Her confidence in my abilities felt damn good though.

First Enchanter Irving cut in "How is it that she is specially apt for the task, if I may ask?"

Kallian looked at him like she'd been waiting for that question all day "She thanked them, and they went away"

"I beg your pardon?"

"When we were in the Fade back at the Tower. She talked to them, the demons in her dream space, told them she was thankful for the dream. Then said we'd definitely kill the demon Sloth that was their leader or something, and the demons backed off"

"Talked to them!" A mage I didn't know the name of exclaimed suddenly "One does not talk to demons. Everybody knows that"

Kallian shrugged "Well, Maya did. And it worked"

Suddenly all eyes in the room turned my way.

And kept looking.

…

This was getting uncomfortable. Someone please say something.

"Child, can you tell me exactly what you did?" Irving asked.

Jesus, did every old person in Thedas knew the secret mind-reading technique? Ah no, wait. Hawke also did it right? So age wasn't a requirement…

I sighed, wondering how I got myself into this mess "There isn't much to say. I could tell the dream wasn't real, and I knew we'd just been in the Tower, so I extrapolated those with me were also demons. Figured I'd just play along and enjoy the ride until Kallian came to get me"

"Tell them what happened after I got there" Kallian urged.

I dared a glance at her. She looked as bright eyed as a kid on Christmas morning.

Okay then.

"Kallian got there and I told the demons I was leaving with her, and that I understood that meant we'd have to fight, but that I was grateful they let me see– that they showed me a pleasant dream" I hesitated "I guess they weren't expecting that, because they kind of freaked out about it and then they just left"

"They left? On their own?" Irving frowned.

"Freaked out?" One of the mages wondered.

"Yes"

"How is that possible…" it sounded like a question, but it felt like he was mussing to himself more than asking me.

I shrugged, anyway. I had a few ideas as to why it had worked, but as of right now, they were purely theoretical.

"This is what I mean. She doesn't have to fight them, she can just make them go away like she did before"

That was enough "Kallian, I appreciate your faith in me, but I'm not sure if other demons will react the same way as the ones in my dream did"

"There were three demons in your dream. All three of them left. Aren't those good odds?"

I blinked. She had a point.

"If she does not think herself ready, however…" Wynne left the question hanging.

Kallian nodded "I won't force her"

"Oh? And who would you have go then? The old woman? Myself?" Morrigan sneered "I suppose that kindness of yours ends at those who are strong enough to stand on their own"

Hey.

"The weak should be left behind, lest the slow the rest of the group" Sten said, matter-of-factly.

…hey?

"That isn't fair. Maya has proven to be more than capable of handling herself in a fight"

"Alistair is right, just because she's going through a bad time doesn't mean we should abandon her"

Abandon– what? How did we even– Ugh, thank you Leliana but please don't give them ideas.

Wynne tried to be the voice of reason "Please, everyone, do not be hasty"

Wait, no, were they actually weighing the possibility of abandoning me?

I peeked at Sten's face. He was looking at me, dead serious.

Oh no.

No, no no.

"Maya" Kallian's voice snapped me back to reality. I stared at her, wide eyed, my heart stuck in my throat. I had trouble concentrating. What was she saying? "I believe you can do it. But you don't have to. It'll be alright if you want to stand down. I'll deal with Sten and Morrigan, and you'll get your chance next time, when you're feeling less raw"

I had to repeat her words in my head a few times before I actually processed them. The word raw was exactly right. It's like I'd gotten a bad sunburn, and suddenly they were asking me to have a wrestling match. Bad Timing.

Then the rest of what she said sunk in. Some of our companions would judge me if I refused to do this task. Even reject me and my place in the group. I hadn't thought about it that way, because it just doesn't happen. One usually doesn't need to prove one's value by doing something so dangerous, much less after a loss. People tended to be considerate about that. When I lost my mom, the entire team of therapist I worked with had been there for me. Covering me where needed, taking my patients calls so I could grieve in peace. Hell, even the patients themselves had been considerate, somehow dealing with stuff as much as they could, enduring without me.

I kept forgetting this wasn't my world anymore. Which should be obvious at all times, really, but the people I travelled with seemed so familiar, I had a hard time thinking of them as having a vastly different understanding of how life works.

If I declined because I was weak -and at that moment, I was- Kallian would run interference, and I might be able to win the others back with time. But it would be difficult, and they would look down on me for a time.

What to do?

Sigh. For now, let's gather more information.

I addressed the first enchanter directly "How does this thing work?"

Irving stared at me for a bit, before launching into what seemed like a cursory explanation of a more complicated ritual. Basically, the mages powered up with shitloads of lyrium and forcibly launched my consciousness into the Fade, where I would wake and try to find and subsequently vanish the demon possessing Connor. In the meantime, my physical body would go into hibernation -so I would be on a self-induced coma. Peachy- and not suffer any real damage. However, as my mind would essentially be in the Fade, my brain would still register feeling, including pain. And we all know what happens when one is subjected to more pain than one could handle. So even though I wouldn't sustain any real injuries, I could still die, if my brain thought I did.

Awesome.

"Alright" I heard myself saying "Let's get this over with"

Kallian gave me a confident smile and a nod. She then turned to the mages and told them we were ready to begin.

While everyone was busy preparing, I went to a corner of the room, sitting down and doing some breathing exercises to try and reign in my emotions. That's where Alistair found me.

He crouched beside me and spoke quietly "Maya, you don't have to. You have nothing to prove to them"

I gave him a strained smile "You don't think I can do it?"

He looked at me like I was stupid "If I thought that, I would have tried to stop you even if I had to sew Morrigan's mouth shut so she wouldn't goad you into anything" He paused with a hand to his chin in a classic thinking pose and threw a glance at the witch in question "Actually, especially if I had to do that"

I let out a single puff of laughter and he grinned at me before continuing.

"I trust Kallian's judgement and I trust you. You can do this. But that doesn't mean you have to. If those two" He pointed to Morrigan and Sten with a jerk of his chin "say anything, screw them"

I looked up at him, grateful for his support. However.

"It's not just them. I'm actually more worried about the mages"

Alistair frowned "Why?"

"Because I'm an apostate" I lowered my voice, making sure only he could hear me "Before, it didn't matter what I did. I wasn't planning on staying anyway" I added bitterly "But now? I don't want to live in a Circle, and I really rather not live on the run either. So I'm hoping by the end of all of this, I may be getting some kind of special license or something to live as a free mage. So I can't waste this chance. Especially not after Kallian gave me such a desirable reputation"

Alistair's eyes lit up in understanding "They would know you as the mage who isn't easily swayed by demons"

I nodded "Not even in my most vulnerable moments"

"I see" He looked down with a troubled expression "Do you think Kallian knew what she was doing when she proposed you go?"

"I don't know. If she did, that was quiet the gamble she took, though. If I'd said no, I would've left a very bad impression instead" And I wasn't sure how I felt about that.

Alistair nodded to himself, then turned to me with a grin "I'm just surrounded by very smart people, aren't I? No wonder Morrigan keeps implying I'm dumb"

"You're not. Don't listen to her about that. She can be an asshole sometimes"

He laughed "More like most of the time. But my point was that you are way smarter than me. You've got this. Kallian is right in that"

I sighed "Thanks, but I don't think so. At least I know I could never be a King like y–" I clamped my mouth shut, realizing what I'd just blurted out.

I dared to look up, hoping uselessly that he hadn't caught what I said.

His eyes were wide open, his jaw basically touched the floor.

Oh craptastic.

"Maya! We're ready!"

I turned to Leliana "Coming!" I stood, only for Alistair to stand with me, looking like he wanted to ask desperately, and knowing it wasn't the time.

"There's a bunch of things we need to talk about right? Just add this to the list"

He shook his head "Fine. You need to come back okay? Just so you know, not knowing is going to kill me. So if you don't want my death on your hands, you need to come back"

I couldn't help but smile at his childish argument "No pressure, huh?"

"Nope. Only my life in your hands"

"My, I did not know you were having this kind of conversation" My head snapped to Leliana, who'd approached us silently, a teasing smirk on her lips "My apologies. I'm sure I can delay them if you wish to take a few more minutes…"

I rolled my eyes as I heard Alistair sputter behind me. Ignoring him, I walked past Leliana, giving her a mock punch on the shoulder as I passed her giggling self.

I had a boy to save.

My eyes opened with a start. The first thing I saw was a green sky, greener tentacles of light swirling about it.

Ah, right. I was in the Fade.

Sigh. Okay, here goes something.

I began walking around. The only other time I'd been here was when we fought Sloth. At that time, I'd had no time to poke around, what with the demon attacking me and my friends. Even when I was in my own dream, the place had just looked like the home in my memories. So I guess this was my first real trip to the Fade. Shoulda brought my camera huh?

The place was like a canyon on hallucinogens. Big brown walls everywhere, except they were all twirly whirly.

The ghosts were new though.

I tried to get close to one, worried I'd spook it when another one walked right through me. Almost gave me a heart attack, but the thing just went on its way like I wasn't even there. So not sentient, I guess.

Upon closer inspection, I realized they were all the same person. Or, well, half of them were Connor. The other half presented the image of an older man. Eamon, most likely. He looked kind of like his game avatar, but I wouldn't recognize him if I were to randomly run into him on the street. I guess they did a better job with the main cast. 'They' being the developers or the Maker. Either one.

"–re are you?!"

And that would be Eamon huh? Was it nessesary to speak to him to complete this part of the quest? Ah well, it wouldn't take me more than a minute.

"Is anyone out there?! Hello!"

Yes, yes, I'm coming.

This place was confusing, but once I managed to discern where Eamon's voice came from, it was easy to follow it to the man himself. It helped that he kept shouting things from time to time. It didn't help when the ghost-Eamons started spouting random nonsense as well. Occasionally, another voice would pop up, but it was easy to differentiate young Connor's voice from his father's.

I walked until I came to a space that was a lot like a room I'd expect to see at Redcliffe Castle. Bookcases, chairs, a bed… just, all placed in Fade terrain. No walls or ceiling. In the middle, shouting for his son, was a full color Arl Eamon.

"You there! Have you seen my son? I can… I can hear him, but I cannot find him. This blasted fog has me turning in circles!"

Fog? Huh.

"I haven't seen your son on this side yet. But give me some time, I'll help you find him"

"You will! Good that's… what did you mean by 'this side'?"

"Ah, well, don't freak out, but you're in the Fade"

"The Fade? I… I don't understand. How…?" Eamon grimaced "It–it doesn't matter. Just tell me where Connor is"

This poor man was, for all he knew, surrounded by some kind of magic fog and completely lost himself. Yet, he could only think about his son's safety. I could respect a father like him. And a respectable father deserved some answers in my book.

I took a deep breath "Okay, pay attention, cause we don't have a lot of time" Or maybe we did, but this way it sounded more dramatic "You were poisoned and almost died, so your son, Connor, -who is a mage, by the way- made a deal with a demon to keep you alive. A lot of shit went down in Redcliffe, but it's been handled. Now, we're trying to save your son from said demon, which is why I'm here in dreamland"

Eamon's eyes were wide open "A… A demon! What, how… no, you are here to help him? Who are you?"

I thought for a bit "I'm a friend of Warden Alistair"

Eamon blinked "Alistair? He's here?" He thought about it for a bit "I see. Then, please, help my son. I can never find my way out of this fog. You must save him. Please. I beg you…"

Despite the dire situation, somewhere in my bruised heart a small fire was lit. Family was so important to me, and I wouldn't let this man lose such a big part of his.

I extended my hand to him "I will. You have my word"

The Arl looked at it for a second before clasping my forearm "Please"

I gave him a single nod, then went on my way, more resolute than before.

"Map"

My mental cheat map unfolded, giving me a view of this part of the Fade. Interestingly, this only showed the path I'd traveled since I woke up -fell asleep?- here. I looked around to find those weird wavy walls blocking my path to anywhere else. It was like the Fade itself was telling me where I should and should not go. Like it was attuned to my goal. Idly, I wondered what would happen if I climbed those walls.

Focus Maya. Connor first.

Right.

I retraced my steps to see if I'd missed anything. Sure enough, I spotted some sort of purple portal that I was sure hadn't been there before.

I stood in front of it, weighing my options.

I had no options.

With a frustrated sound, I stepped through the portal.

I don't get paid enough for this shit.

I was immediately tossed to the other side… which was so much like the one before, I thought it hadn't worked. Then reminded myself this part of the Fade all looked basically the same.

I walked for a bit until I recognized the silhouette of a young boy in the distance. I jogged up to where 'Connor' waited.

"Who are you?" He asked once I got close enough "Are you the one who made father ill? Tell me, now"

Jeez, so demanding.

Mm… I didn't remember if we actually got to meet Connor in the Fade or just the demons disguised as him. On the other hand, I'd played enough games to know that wherever there could be a battle, there would be a battle.

"I don't really know your father" I replied "Excuse my ignorance, but do, er, Fadedwellers have parents?"

'Connor' gave me the crazy look "What are you talking about? You could be a demon who just looks like a person"

I scoffed "Yeah, and a human child would be that calm while facing one"

Not-Connor's face contorted "Fool! You won't get near her! I won't let you!"

Before my eyes, a horror sequence began, as the body of a boy twisted to become a beautiful yet scary purple-horned lady. Now, this one looked a lot more like they depict desire demons in the game.

The fully formed desire demon opened her mouth "Go awa–!"

"Hah! I knew it" I interrupted, making her get that odd look again "But, you know, you are the first demon I encounter in this Fade trip. You know what that means, right?"

"You– what are you…?"

"I'm sorry to say this, but it means you're the weakest one. The one to test me before I go on to fight stronger demons" I shook my head sadly.

"You're wrong" she growled.

I cringed "Am I? Come on, think about it. Am I not to be ambushed by other demons? Are they not on standby? Waiting to see if I make it past you?"

The demon got silent. I pushed on.

"I don't really want to fight you. I will, if you give me no choice, because I promised I'd save the boy. But I don't want to" My lips formed a tiny smile at the irony "You'd make me do something I really don't desire to do"

Desire -the demon, not the emotion- looked honestly lost when I said that. I suppose I'd just told her something that went against her very nature.

"I– I must do it" she said, sounding torn "She… it is what she desires…"

She? Who…? Ah, the demon that possessed Connor? Mm…

I took pity on her "You know, doing something for someone else is very nice. But sometimes, its necessary to do things for us too. There's nothing wrong with putting yourself first once in a while. If you yourself don't work for what you want, who will do it?"

"What I want…"

"Yes"

"What I want…"

"Uhm, yeah…"

"What I want…"

Okay, this was getting weird.

I tried to talk to her again, but she kept mumbling to herself. After a bit, I said goodbye and started retreating. She didn't follow.

Oh goodie, I think I broke a demon.

After that, I once again retraced my steps and went through the purple portal. The second not-Connor proofed to be more difficult, attacking before I could talk to her properly. At that point, I had no choice but to fight. She even summoned a rage demon. I deployed my usual tactic and put it in a shield while I dealt with Desire. Glyph of Paralysis bought me a couple of free shots, and I managed to end the fight with minor burns.

The third demon was a surprise.

"You again?" Said not-Connor #3 when I approached it.

Uhm "I'm sorry, have we met before…?" Even as I said it, I realized who this was. How many fadedwellers did I know, really?

"You do not learn, do you? First Sloth and now Desire…"

I smiled self-deprecatingly "I kinda thought you where Desire yourself"

Not-Connor #3 sniffed "I am Desire, but she… is so much more" She then looked down at herself in the form of Connor and with a scoff, unceremoniously turned into her original form. Or what I assumed her original form was.

She was gorgeous, per the norm of Desire demons. Light purple skin, rocking body and scantly dressed. I assumed the demons tricking the templars in the Circle Tower adopted a more human like form for the sake of their victims. But the Desire in front of me also had waist length silver hair, with horns coming out from the sides of her head. And her eyes? Still little black holes. Terrifyingly beautiful.

"Better?" I asked.

Desire sighed "Much" She then turned to me with sharp eyes "Do you know what awaits you next?"

I hid my surprise "Like, right after you? I need to speak to the desire demon possessing Connor. If you mean right now, I guess I hope I don't have to fight you"

She cocked her head "And why not?"

I thought about it "I like to avoid hurting others and getting hurt whenever possible" I rubbed my arm where the burn I got in the last fight had been, before I healed it "But the truth is I don't want to fight you, specially. I… don't know. You just seem like a cool person, human possession aside" And yes, I know that sounds ridiculous. Shut up.

Desire regarded me with a thoughtful expression "She found a desire. And I was called to her by that strength. Do you believe that to be wrong?"

I frowned inwardly, trying to make sense of what she was saying. So, the heavy-weight Desire demon really wanted to possess Connor, and so she called lesser desire demons to help her? And because her wish was so strong, they answered? No, maybe She found a strong desire in Connor, who wanted his dad to live, and that made her strong enough to call reinforcements of her own kind? But why was this Desire asking me whether I believed that was wrong?

She was still waiting, so I shrugged and told her my thoughts "I think desire, in itself, is just part of human… or rather, people's nature. If we're crossing our 't's' and dotting our 'i's', I'd say it's somewhere in the spectrum of the emotion of love. Although I guess 'love' in itself is also a part of that spectrum. Anyway, wanting things is what keeps people moving, isn't it? The more we want something, the harder we work to obtain it. But, well, it's also important to be able to let go of needing to obtain what we want, because that's when we do things that could hurt us or others. Case in point" I swept a hand, indicating the situation we were in right now.

Desire's eyes shinned brightly, if black could somehow shine "Fascinating"

Why, thank you.

She approached me suddenly, placing a hand on my cheek and looking into my eyes as if she was looking into my soul.

"You have… no. You are letting go of what you want, too" she whispered.

I blinked at her dumbly, at a loss.

She chuckled and took a step back "I will allow you to keep going, as you so desire, in exchange of the boon you've given me"

Good God, what did I give her?

"Off with you now. We will meet yet again"

I opened and closed my mouth like a dumbass, not knowing what'd just happened. In the end, I just nodded and bid her goodbye.

This day was getting weirder by the second.

Hiya! Next up, we close the curtain on the Ponnor case. And we're off to a new quest. Yay.
We're also moving forward with Maya getting over her mourning. I just wanna say, I think she's getting over it fairly quickly. Normally, I'd expect someone to take more time, especially because it's a big loss. But, honestly, I don't think people like to read too many chapters of someone feeling so sad. I'm sorry if the last ones seemed a little boring because of that. And anyway, it didn't really go with the tone I want for this story.

One more thing? I am racking my brain for that extra chapter I promised. I've written down a few ideas but I'm still agonizing about it. I even thought up some AU beach filler chapter (yeah, I've hit rock bottom). So, if you kindly want to drop me some ideas about what you'd like to read, that'd be fantastic. Anything goes. PM me or leave it in the comments, either way.

Thank you so much to everyone who followed, favorited or reviewed. You are the reason I keep writing.