Here is the other chapter I have fo you! MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
Please note: Upcoming instances of sex and fear of intimacy. It's honestly littered throughout this chapter. There is also a description of miscarriage (the first-time skip) If that's not you're cup of tea, please don't continue.
If you decide to stop reading, I understand. Thank you for showing interest!
If you decided to continue, onward!
~Kurenai Cakes
Chapter 21: Lessons in Change, Intimacy, and Pain
TEN MONTHS OLD (December)
With Hiashi
After negating the cursed bird seal of every Branch member with it on their forehead, it takes a few months of Hiashi building up his nerve feels the need to visit his wife in person.
Collapsing in front of his wife's tombstone in the soft green grass that blows in the summer wind Hiashi, feels tears pool in his eyes. He hadn't been able to visit her or his brother for long in years, feeling that he was inadequate to bother them because he wasn't the person either would want to be bothered with in the afterlife. He was a failure.
"Haruhi, my love, I hope that I am not too late for you to forgive me. I was so foolish when we were younger, thinking that things would resolve themselves. It cost me Hiashi, you, our daughters' happiness and our Clan's happiness. This is not what I wanted when Father passed his mantle as Clan head on to me and this is not the legacy I want to leave for our daughters. I'm so far away from the man I wanted to be, the man you wanted to be there for you, our children and ou Clan. Changing things now, it won't bring you back but hopefully it'll allow me to, atone." Hiashi pauses in his little speech when he hears feet pitter patter behind him. He turns around to see Hinata, who has Hotaru in her arms, and Hanabi. "Our daughters and nephews, Ko and Neji, have been instrumental in helping bring about this change."
"But we couldn't have gotten hear if you hadn't started this first." Hanabi adds, her voice cracking as she stares at the tombstone. It just makes Hiashi cry harder because she'd been the one who'd been the least fazed by her mother's death because she was so young. She never really visited her mother's grave because Haruhi was nearly a stranger to her. She'd had to learn everything from Hinata and Hiashi's secondhand recounts. "And don't listen to his, Mom. Father did the best that he could. He always has, and he will never need forgiveness for that." By the time his youngest is finished speaking, she is right in front of her father. She is crying as well, and she wraps her arms around him.
Hinata continues the conversation, "Hanabi is right. Hotaru hasn't been in my life for long. But as a parent, you want nothing more than to protect them. And you've been doing that all our lives father. You've protected us against the position that the cursed seal brings and now we can help those who've been hurt and forgo hurting any new Hyugas.
"I am calling a meeting for tomorrow."
"Good. I'll call Shikamaru and tell him that Hotaru and I are spending the night."
When Hiashi goes to visit his wife's grave, he feels the wind caress his face, and swears he feels that it kiss his cheek like Haruhi used to.
.
The Next Day
Dismantling the Hyuga hierarchy is simpler than anyone imagine. All it takes is a meeting.
They're in a Clan meeting, baby Hotaru's first. He's teething and babbling but no by but the uptight main Branch elder ass holes cate. Scowling as he voices his displeasure at the pain and bites on the frozen teething ring Hinata had brought him. Hanabi, Neji and Ko take turns cooing at him, trying hard to distract him from the pain. That too draws ire, but Hiashi pushes forward. He doesn't give a damn about their ire. Once everyone has entered the room, he stands up, walking slowly to the room.
"This Clan, Our Clan the Hyuga was founded centuries ago. What once was a few people with our eyes grew... Naturally a hierarchy was established, one that has perverted and destroyed the very familial bonds that help us create the Clan in the first place. We became divided, the Main and Branch houses. The Main Houses, the Clan Head and Elders, became the equivalent of an oligarchy and the seal was used as the key to keep that oligarchy in power." He turns to face the Main House Elders to see their reactions. Some of them are looking at him in confusions, others look at him with hope shining in their eyes and rest look furious. He doesn't give a damn about the fury.
He powers through, hoping that the confusion of the others will turn into understanding and that the hope would turn into willingness to change. "I would like to be honest with you...when I became Clan Head my one wish was to always make sure that the cursed seal was abolished somehow during my reign, that my brother and I could be brothers instead of king and servant. Like a foolish man, when I came in power when my efforts failed, I gave up. I accepted the divide. I never enforced rules that would allow those born of two bloodlines to explore their other side if they had an affinity for it. I tried to have only one child. We named her Hinata, towards the Sun because she was to bring light to the darkness in our Clan. And when someone tried to take our little light bringer, I killed him only to have my brother feel that it was his duty to die in my stead when threats of war broke out. My dear Haruhi and I conceived once more with my darling Hanabi. Knowing that our youngest child would be branded with the cursed bird seal, my wife ran away. When we caught up with her, against my wishes, the Elders decided that her punishment was to be branded with the very seal that she hadn't wanted for our child, that neither of us wanted. Despite my efforts to change her outcome, she was branded as a traitor and forced to undergo the cage bird seal after Hanabi turned two –even though the Elders knew it had the capability to blind her. For my efforts, I too was branded, though was less severe."
Hiashi pauses in his pain at bringing up once more the loss of his dear Haruhi. and turns around, lifting his hair over his shoulder so that it fell over his chest and revealed the raised skin in the shape of a bird. "I cowered under the weight of mine while she fought against it, the weight of it cause her severe stress and anguish. She succumbed for after battling a depression that I was too blind to see. And even while this pain and destruction, this newer generation, our children flourished side by side despite the barrier. Friendships formed despite the seal marring some foreheads." He pauses to look at Hinata, Hanabi, Neji and Ko first before his eyes slide over to Emiko, Makoto and Akiko.
Once his eyes roll over them, her once more looks to the crowd, his Clan. "And I won't allow the divide to continue or destroy anyone else. I will not let this hierarchy and power struggle over a seal continue any longer."
Daisuke, his Uncle and Ichiro's father says, "And how pray tell will you bring about this great change?" the man's voice is filled malice and condescension.
Hiashi is rolls his eyes and smiles a little. "By negating the caged bird seal of course."
"That's preposterous. That seal has stood the test of time. It's our heritage, and you want to just get rid of it. For what? For this pitiful crusade to ease your own guilt that your wretch of a wife-"
Hiashi finds himself moving before he can think. His fist hits Daisuke directly in the jaw. "Say one more word, and I'll end you... Speak ill of my wife once more and I won't be able to hold myself anymore. I will not tolerate her being berated. She isn't here to defend herself and deserves her rest amongst the stars and to not be spoken of in such a manner… We have already negated them uncle."
Daisuke holds his nose to stem the flow of blood that is streaming down. "You lie. Why give those pitiful, worthless Branch house members false hope"
Looking over his shoulder at his children and nephews, Hiashi says with a smirk "It's not a false hope. Girls, show him"
Hanabi does the hand signs to activate Hiashi's seal only for nothing to happen. Hiashi revels in the surprised look on Daisuke's face. Hinata releases a lot of chakra and does the hand signal for the cage bird seal. There are few flinches from those who've had their seals activated to expect to feel, but when they don't, they smile, knowing that they don't have to fear it anymore. 'This is for them' Hiashi thinks as he powers through to speak once again, "You can either move forward with us or take your stubborn ways and leave. It's your choice, but this is happening."
With that Hinata (and by default baby Hotaru), Hanabi, Ko, Neji and Kimiko get up to stand at his side, presenting a United front. Hinata slides the baby from her hip to Hiashi's, who gladly takes him and cuddles him close as a reminder that Hotaru and the kids the come after him will benefit from this. They looked around the room, ready to take on whoever decides that the change is beneath them and try to attack.
Of course, only Daisuke, a few more un-forward-looking Main House Elders, and their children and/or grandchildren–who'd been severe indoctrinated into the horrible ways of their parents/grandparents left. Akiko's parents walked forward, expecting the child to follow, though she doesn't. They don't bat an eye when they stand behind Daisuke and she doesn't. Instead she moves closer to Emiko, Makoto, Haruko* and Masaru* (the latter two being Emiko's parents and practically Akiko and Makoto's surrogate parents).
"So, you've chosen to lie with the dogs." Akiko's mother snarls.
"I guess so." Is all that Akiko saying, her eyes watering as she sniffs. The elder woman has Makoto on her hip, but the doesn't stop her arm around the little girl while her husband does the same to Emiko.
"No!" Makoto screamed. As his father, Gin moves closer to collect him from Haruko and Masaru.
The child clings to Haruko as Masaru moves to stand in front of them. He's quickly joined by Hinata, Neji and Ko.
"Back off," Hinata says.
"He's my son" This is was Gin, Makoto's father. And from Hiashi's understanding, he was only a father in biology. Makoto's birth had come at a cost, the death of Gin's wife. With her gone, so was Gin's compassion. Makoto, like Akiko, was mostly tended to by the Branch House servants (one of the which being Haruko, who along with her husband had come to love the children as their own when), Hinata, Neji and Ko.
Haruko speaks up then, her voice tinged with the fury that only a mother has when one of her children is threatened. "He's not your son! We've loved and cared for him his whole life. You can't take him. He wants to stay with us."
"No, he's mine. Back off." Gin say like a child claiming back his favorite toy.
Holding his grandson closer to him, Hiashi steps around the small little army that had come to protect the family. He walks until he's in front of Gin.
"He's my son." The man says, petulantly, like a child, whose favorite toy was taken and being dangled in front of his eyes.
"Yes, biologically. But realistically, no, he isn't, not in the ways that counts. You didn't want him. You've never cared that he was with them. Makoto isn't a thing to throw away; they see that. Be honest with yourself. Look at him, look at them." Hiashi says. Both fathers, though the word could be usually associated with the younger man, look at Makoto who's cuddled up in between Haruko, Masaru, Emiko and Akiko. They adults are trying to console him with whispers that Mama and Papa are here. They look like the perfect little family. The child is whining and crying into Haruko's chest while clutching Masaru's shirt. "Mama! Papa"
Gin's eyes widen and tears fill his eyes. Hiashi recognizes it; it was the same look he'd once had when he'd seen. Hiashi had tried to change and be there for his daughters, but Hiashi didn't know if the younger man would accept that he had to work to be by his child's side. When they did, Hiashi let out a breath he didn't realize that he was holding. "He fits."
"Yes, he does. She would've wanted your son to be happy." Hiashi said, speaking of Gin's late wife. The Clan Head takes no pleasure in the way that the man's face falls even more as he accepts the reality placed in front of him.
The man doesn't say anything else; he just walks away, over to where the rest of those defecting where congregating. All in all, there were about twenty of them, and they shuffle out as soon as Gin is at their side.
"Those of you who are left, I thank you for giving us a chance. We can't undo what was done in the past by our ancestors, but I hope to move forward. Not as Main and Branch Houses, but as equals."
The room erupts in the raucous sound of applause and cheers. As Hiashi looks around, he can't help but cry, he does so even harder when his daughters, grandson and nephews. Eventually, the hug expands to includes the whole room.
Hiashi isn't the only one crying then.
.
.
With Hinata
Hotaru's first Christmas is at the Hyuga compound. Hinata wanted it to happen there because so much had changed so recently with her Clan and she wanted one of the good things there to be Hotaru's first Christmas. It hadn't taken much to convince Shikamaru.
Yoshino, Kurenai, Ko, Ino, Sai and Tenten wouldn't let Hinata cook alone, so they divided the dishes and conquered
It was a huge celebration that turned into a weird huge soiree like affair when all their friends joined in.
Since their marriage, he'd been with her a lot of times when she went back home. He'd become family in more than just name. Shikamaru fits right in, laughing with her father, siblings and cousins. He plays with Hanabi Akiko, Emiko, Makoto just as he does with Hotaru and Ai. He talks with Ko, Neji and Kimiko just as he always does. He can tell her little identical cousins Hikaru and Kaoru apart despite them being so identical that it so. Hinata finds herself just staring at him constantly as she watches him interact with their family.
But the thing is, its not just him. She watches as her family member, ones who never associated with anyone outside the Clan walk up to visiting Naras, Yamanakas, and Akimichis, Aburames and Inuzukas and civilians (members of her husband's and friends' families who'd tagged along) and talked. It was beautiful and much more than she could've ever hoped for.
'How did I get so lucky?' she constantly think, only she doesn't have an answer. When Ko comes to stand next to her in the kitchen…where she'd retreated when the happiness became too much.
"Are you alright little lion?"
She is alright, more than alright honestly. "We di-did it!" She says with a wide smile; her face feels like it may burst.
He smiles right back at her just as blindingly, eyes as shiny as hers feel "yeah, it's hard to believe we did it."
It only takes a few seconds before the damn breaks and she's launching herself into his awaiting arms. "I'm so happy!"
"Me too, little lion."
They hold each other and cry tears of joy at just how far that they've come as a Clan and as individuals.
"You two are so emotional." Hanabi says. Her voice is watery and soon she's joining in, though she's not alone Hinata hears her father and Neji not far behind.
"Crybabies, I tell you." Neji sniffles into her hair.
"Its Unbecoming of our stature." Hiashi adds, but that doesn't stop his tears either.
Once again, a Hyuga group hug forms.
They all agree. "Best Christmas Ever!"
Hotaru marks the festivity by using the table to pull himself up for the first time. He'd been sitting on the floor playing with his god sister and cousins when Ai and Emiko moved away, and he wanted to follow.
Everyone in attendance collectively gasps as he moves after his them, using the table as leverage. When he inevitably falls, he doesn't have a chance to cry before he's scooped up between his parents who stop the tears by kissing until he gasped in laughter.
The good thing was that one of her cousins had decided to film the first "free Hyuga Christmas and caught the whole event on camera."
When the day after Christmas inevitably comes and her birthday dawns, she's so happy and wants nothing more because her life is so full.
ELEVEN MONTHS OLD (January)
Hotaru keeps growing and sleeping more. His parents are allowed to do both as well. It's rather refreshing...sleep. With it comes, more realizations, especially for Hinata.
With Hinata
It's not until after, her Clan meeting that she realizes that her problem with sex stemmed from a power standpoint.
It's hard to be powerless. With her family, her Clan was ruled by power where those who were beneath the elite were forced into powerlessness of the seal. And despite being a part of the supposed elite, being the first daughter of the Clan Head, she was different and labeled by most as powerless. Being sweet and nice meant that she was powerless in the Clan. Of course, she found ways to thrive and grow, but there was a power dynamic where she was always inferior physically and mentally. After becoming a ninja, after working undercover as sex slave...Hinata had come to see sex as power struggle where those who were penetrated were violated, an act that exposed you to someone, made you vulnerable. Tenten and Ino of course had tried to explain that yes sex that was taken and forced was a power, but there was another side to it when two people were consenting and of legal age it was okay. They'd even awkwardly explained that some people enjoyed rough sex so long as both parties were consenting, of sound mind and of age. By social convention and desire to have a family, Hinata had dreamed of giving Naruto and then Shikamaru all her firsts. Logically, that meant that her virginity would go with it. She had urges and fantasies…i.e. dreaming of Shikamaru's head between her legs. But like always, like all fantasies when it came to reality, cloud nine quickly became a distant memory as the ground became more apparent.
It wasn't fantasizing that scared her, so she could do that all day. But the real thing...giving it up to him...that was different. And she hated...hated the fact that she was reason that she and Shikamaru were always backsliding with their progress. There was no denying it...she was physically, sexually attracted to Shikamaru, but she also knew that sex was an act of submission and she didn't know if she could submit everything physically to Shikamaru. She could do it emotionally no problem, but it was the physicality that was the problem.
It takes her well into the new year before she's able to tell this to her therapist, Dr. Inoue's.
She's in her therapist yellow office. Her pale lavender eyes are on the ceiling because today's issue required a lie down, to get everything out in the open.
Her doctor, Dr. Inoue was sitting in the chair opposite the couch, with her journal in her lap writing a little as Hinata unloads. Once Hinata finishes talking, the doctor waits a few seconds before speaking. "You have a lot of reasons to be scared. You have seen the darkness of sex of forced intimacy. But you must realize that those instances, you were doing a job that required you to seek those cases out and manipulate those depraved instances of humanity for a favorable outcome. You saved those children. It can be hard to separate traumatic pasts from the present and the future, something that I know that you have experience with. But unless you find a way to remember without succumbing to the pain, you will never make any progress. "
"How do I start?"
"Ask yourself this: Do you believe that Shikamaru is like any of the men from your missions…he is like Aizen? If he's not, why is your mind comparing them?"
The implication instantly has her shaking her head "no" vigorously because those men were monsters, and Shikamaru had nothing in common with those monsters. He was good and kind and sweet. And he never forced himself on her. He could never hurt her or anyone.
"You must also ask yourself if fearing intimacy is a part of your guilt."
"I I-I don't feel guilty."
Her therapist instantly has a comeback, she always does because she's just that awesome. "You shouldn't because you saved those children."
"But there are still others." The words slip out of her mouth so fast without any conscious thought, which of course means that means that had a breakthrough And she cringes at the thought of there being helpless children in those houses while she's willingly lying on her back, and the guilt that she tried to deny bubble to the surface.
"Yes…unfortunately there will always be. But you must know that you can't save everyone. You're human; we all are, which means we have our limitations. In you case, you can't let those limitations translate into fear of physical intimacy, of sex especially if it's something that you want."
On her way out, Hinata's therapist stops her once more. "There is nothing wrong with your desires. You can pleasure yourself and to want to seek pleasure you're your husband. Naturally, it takes a while to work up the courage to talk to Shikamaru, which leads to the weirdest conversation of her life.
With Hinata and Shikamaru
It's the weekend, and they don't have plans. Hotaru was just put down for his nap, which left them alone. They were making the most of the time by watching tv in their bedroom. No part of them is touching…usually before their last disastrous make out session, Hinata and Shikamaru would watch T.V right next to one another, not an inch between them. But because of her, they aren't. Nothing between them was ever normal, and it was always her fault for dragging him down.
'Shika deserves better.'
"Why do you love me? " that's not what she wans to say, but her mind went there, and it influenced the insecure words.
Eyes turning from the T.V, Shikamaru looks at his wife. She's biting her lip, eyes watery and her adorable nose is twitching. She's nervous and scared, "Do you even have to ask?"
She doesn't answer his question. She just blurts out, "I'm a mess, and I mess up everything! Penetration is vulnerability."
The words take a few seconds to understand, but as soon as he does, he's on his knees in front of her. She never let of his hand, making the action a little awkward, but he doesn't let go. "Do you want me to start sleeping on the floor?"
"W-what? No!"
"O-kay."
"I love w-waking up in your arms,"
Her choice of words had him on edge. Vulnerability connotated a power imbalance, and her believing that sex would impact make her powerless, meant that he needed to take a step back. "But you're scared of me like this." He never wanted her to fear him, especially intimately. He knows that she's seen a lot, and he never wants to remind her of those sick fucks.
The thought that makes him feel dirty, and he feels like he needs a shower. Because he never wanted to make her feel like he was ever comparable to those monsters that she fought against. HE goes to pull his hand away from her, only for her to hold onto it tighter.
"I'm not…scared of you, Shi-Shikamaru."
"Then what's wrong. You won't even look at me?! Maybe I should go to the guest room"
"What no! Shikamaru"
He can't help but think back to the conversation that he's had with his mom. ""
He and Hinata had become so intense, so fast. They'd never had the conversations a lot of conversations that they needed to have
"I've only ever have seen sex used as a method of control. I know that my friends have meaningful sexual relationships, and I want that. I talked to the th-therapist. She helped me realize that I'm scared because I feel guilty because I could never save all the children from the rings. There will always be rings where people are being violated"
"You feel guilty."
"Yes. I know that we can't save everyone, but how can I not think about them. How can I allow myself to be vulnerable intimately when I've only seen it happen by force? I don't want to associate you with monsters and power-imbalance. I love you so much."
"I love you too Tsuki."
"Do you ever regret getting with me instead of Temari?"
"What's Temari got to do with this?"
"Didn't you ever" She pauses, and his mind feels in the blank if "have sex?"
He shakes his head. He can't help the twinge of disgust at the thought. 'Hinata is the only one for me.'
Hinata nods her head in understanding, and then once again, he's watching as she bites her lip. Her brows are furrowed once more and she's got the hem of her shirt in her hands. The fabric is crinkled under her pulling fingers.
"You've thought about it before...sex,"
"Of course."
"About it with Naruto?" He hates the insecurity that color's his voice, but he can't help it. Before the events that lead up to Shikamaru and Hinata, she'd been damn near head over heels for him. The very idea of her thinking about Naruto
"That's not fair? The same could be said for you and Temari."
"You're right. I'm sorry" And she is right.
"B-but in all honesty, I fantasized about it with, but it was just an idea." Hinata pauses, making sure to look at her shirt and not Shikamaru because the fabric was just so interestingly woven together. Shikamaru...he wasn't that interesting to look at right now. (She honestly hates the traitorous part of her brain that hisses, 'liar.')"I dream about you...vividly, so vividly, it feels real"
"I know…you moan a lot." Her cheeks flush, and his do the same as he continues, "I dream about you too. You've felt the result."
She nods, and they bask in silence for a second before he asks, "What do you do when the get too vivid."
She bites her lip for a second before she answers, "Take showers."
"You've never…?"
"No, I haven't…ever. I've never done not outside the missions."
"Missions?"
"With the girls we had to fake stuff. Just a dance, a little groping and kissing here and there. Other than that no. We'd help impair them a bit with genjutsu, and that took care of the rest. Of course, we had to know how stuff worked to make that happen. I know what sex and masturbation are."
"Why now…the vivid dreams?"
"What?"
"Why are you dreaming about me now?"
"E-everything finally calmed down with H-Hotaru, and I guess all of the r-repressed energy b-bubbled to the surface."
"Good to know, but did they start?"
Her cheeks flush a shade even darker than normal, and her eyes fall from his face, to her hand. Apparently, her hand had become the most interesting thing in the world.
"Please."
"Consider it stroking my ego."
"After we ran into each other na-naked. You were imp-impressive."
"Thanks, Tsuki. You are too." He takes her face into his hands. She's tries to look away like she always does when they get a little to close lately, but he needs her to hear. "Please look at me, Tsuki. When he has her full focus on him, he says
"Hinata, your body belongs to you. You are in control of your body always. We don't have to have sex if you don't want to. I'll masturbate or something. We are fine the way that we are—us and our son. We are happy, and. I don't want you to ever feel forced. we can continue to be happy without sex. If I ever, ever make you feel uncomfortable, tell me and I will stop. We are equals, always and forever. You are not weak or powerless in our relationship"
By the time Shikamaru is finished, Hinata finds herself in tears. She leans forward, wrapping her arms He's amazing, and she feels like she's unworthy because she knows that she's difficult. She tells him so, and all he does it lean down and ask, "Can I kiss you?" She nods at him dreamily.
That night when the inevitable wet dream comes…she finally allows herself to freedom to touch herself. She does so in the restroom. She has no idea what she's doing, but she allows herself to be clumsy, testing things out.
.
A week later, she works up the courage to ask him to touch her, which leads to this:
They're sitting in front of each other on the bed in their underwear. Hinata feels exposed more so than she'd ever been. Sure, people have seen her naked, but this is different because this is intimate.
"We can go at whatever pace you want. We don't have to touch or anything."
And even though he says that, she finds herself wanting to touch him and to be touched by him despite her previous hesitance.
"Can I kiss you?"
He finds himself smiling at her, taking his feelings into account. "You never have to ask Tsuki."
She finds that she likes to touch him, and she likes for him to touch her.
His moans prove that he like it too.
TWELVE MONTHS OLD (February, 1 year Old)
Hotaru's first birthday is hosted at the Nara compound. It was supposed to be a small affair, but like Christmas it turns into a huge party.
They buy Hotaru a smash cake, and Hotaru smashes his chubby hands into the frosting as soon as is in front of him. Of course, the guest eat the regular sized cake that Hinata and Shikamaru had the foresight to buy because they knew that baby Hotaru's cake would be inedible after he was done playing with it.
Too many people buy him toys, loud ones that will probably lead to wrecked Saturday mornings for whichever parent that tries to sleep in. Hotaru decides that he wants to try and walk more, so he barely allows his parents to hold him. He uses a mixture of crawling, edging along tables and wobbly steps to visit everyone who notices him.
With Hinata
It's valentines' day when she finally understands what Ino and Tenten were talking about when …well what she remembers from the hazy conversation at least.
They have the house to themselves. Hotaru had been 'kidnapped' by Hanabi and Hiashi for the holiday since they both proclaimed, they had no valentines and needed him to be theirs and wouldn't be back until mid-day the next day. They decide to make dinner together instead of going out.
With full bellies they decide to go to their self-proclaimed spot, the tree where she first tripped onto him. It was the catalyst for the start of their relationship, so it make sense that it's the spot for another instance of spontaneity.
A simple kiss grows until. Her body is thrumming with excitement. She was leaning into his touch, so much so that she felt she looked like an affection starved lunatic. Maybe she was with all the frequent wet dreams that she no longer ignore but embraced both by herself and at his side. The feeling of Shikamaru touching, kissing her was heaven. His hands moved to her butt, tapping each cheek with a hand, silently directing her to wrap her legs around his waist. And she does so without hesitating, something that would've scared the hell out of her three months ago. She has no desire to stop and doesn't. He backs her up to the tree that that shaded them that fateful day. He gently presses her up against the bark.
Oxygen, the bitch, becomes some kind of damn necessity as the lack of the substance makes her feel lightheaded. She pulls away from Shikamaru, her chest heaving along with his.
"Is this okay, Tsuki?" He pants in her ear as he tries to catch his breath.
She tries to voice her approval at the turn of events, but her voice must be broken because all she can do is whimper and nod.
"Okay, good." He nods back Shikamaru turns his ministrations from her, most likely kiss-bruised, lips to her neck, covering the taunt exposed skin with kisses, nips, and licks. Each touch of his mouth made her eyes roll and toes curl, especially when goes to her collarbone and sucks a matching hickey.
"I wanna give you one," She whines when he's done and so he allows her suck hickey on his collarbone as well.
.
The first one to thrust a pelvis forward was likely her. And the responsive hardness she felt beneath her egged her on. She rubbed herself on him like a cat in heat, moaning when he rolled his hips to meet hers creating a delicious friction that sparked a need to complete whatever this interaction was. A torturous race began to reach the crescendo of happiness associated with sexual fulfilment. This was weird. There was no penetration whatsoever, yet she felt the thrum of heat fill her veins as something approached. Maybe it was his warm kisses. Or the fact that his hands were everywhere, caressing and tweaking and pulling. Maybe it was the fact the he wrapped her leg around his waist, forcing them to rub together at a much better angle.
It doesn't take long before was losing herself and for the first time she was okay with it. Her heart soars and then she's flying high above the clouds until she crashes. The world goes black for a second, and when she comes to, she realizes that she is crying.
Because for the once again, she feels no shame.
.
.
.
A few months later
It's once again May, and this year, they've decided to celebrate their first meeting as their original anniversary. They bring a picnic and seclude themselves behind a seal.
Of course, it turns out that their spontaneity continues
It's sort of a poetic in a way, them making love in the same spot where she first crashed onto him and they slept together for the first time.
Her back is arching off the blanket-covered ground, her bare chest crushed into his. She's clutching on to him, arms around Shikamaru's back in a desperate attempt to keep him closer even though they're joined in the most intimate manner and he'd already pulled her legs around his waist.
He's so handsome, dark brown hair down from his signature spiky ponytail, wisps sticking to his sweaty forehead. His piercing dark brown eyes are somehow illuminated from the moon above and they hold so much love and devotion that she must try to look away, though he won't let her because he whispers a deep, commanding "Look at me, my love."
'How could I have ever doubted him, this, us?' she thinks as tears pool in her eyes. "I-I lo-love you t-too" She can't help the moans and wet gasps that come from her mouth—how could she when this feels better than she ever dreamed— so she tries to muffle them by biting her lip. Her lip is nearly bleeding when Shikamaru decided to take mercy on her, bringing a hand to her chin and pulls her face toward his, lips clashing, teeth-clanging. He pulls away so that she can breathe,— she has no desire to stop because she finds herself whining and trying to chase his lips and when she can't, she's sort of angry and claws at his back in retaliation only to have the plan backfire because he retaliates with a particularly mind-blowing thrust that hits something inside that has her eyes rolling into the back of her head.
"A-again!"
He obliges over and over, and she rewards his efforts with a mouthful of gibberish that appreciates wholeheartedly because he redoubles his already top-notch efforts.
All too soon it's over and she feels something extremely warm despite the condom being there, though she doesn't dwell too much because as soon as its over she's crying without knowing why. She feels empty despite him being at her side instead of on top of her, inside her.
Instantly, his warm palm is on her face, fingers caressing the tears away.
"I love you, Shika," she blubbers unattractively, inwardly cringing at the breathless, nasally hoarse cry.
"I love you too."
'I don't know how theirs were so awful' Hinata thinks as she remembers her conversation with her best friends. The initial pain was the only clumsy/painful thing that happened. Everything was love, respect, tender and perfect. 'Maybe I just lucked up.' She smiles at her thoughts and all she wants to do is go to sleep, especially when Shikamaru pulls another blanket around them.
!
One Year Time Skip
Hotaru is Now 2
With Hinata
"How do you feel about a cinnamon roll with dinner?" Hinata asks as they are gathering ingredients for their dinner.
The younger female Hyuga rolls her eyes leaning down to Hotaru, who's in the basket they're rolling around. "Your mommy is crazy. Who serves cinnamon rolls with a salad?" The whole time she's talking exaggeratedly, her face twisting. "Brownies are far superior"
Of course, Hotaru giggles, finding her silly faces hilarious like any two-year-old would.
Hinata retorts, leaning down into his face. "Tell her my little love—cinnamon rolls are amazing."
"Love Cinni-cinimin wrolls!" the two and half year old agrees with his mother—he'd gained her little addiction to the dessert.
Hanabi gasps out, "Little traitor." While tickling him much to his delight. His little laugh draws attention to them as people who walk by, making them all smile at the three Hyuga who are laughing freely in public, something that wouldn't have been seen a few years ago.
It talks all of five seconds for everything to change. Hinata is leaning down to pick up some apples from a fruit basket on the bottom shelf when she begins to feel off. She quickly gets stands, foolishly thinking that righting her equilibrium will stop the feeling. Instead, she feels herself go weightless and the world tilts.
The last thing she remembers is feeling Hanabi catching her and Hotaru crying.
When she wakes up, she finds herself in a cold, white room filled with sounds of beeping machines and the smell of antiseptic—a hospital room—surrounded by her closest family and friends—Shikamaru, Hanabi, her father, Neji, Ko, Tenten, Ino, Sai, Kimiko, and Hana.
As soon as Ko sees her eyes open, he's up "Little lion, you worried the fuck out of me" She's unsure how she scared him or why she is in the hospital. The last thing she remembers is grocery shopping.
A warm, calloused hand touches her face and she instantly turns and leans into it. Looking in the dark brown eyes of her husband, she asks, "Where's h-Hotaru,"
"He's with Kurenai. She has all the kids. Ai, Hotaru, Makoto, Emiko and Akiko."
"What happened?"
Hanabi is the one who speaks up then, her voice nasally and eyes red rimmed. "Hinata, you fainted at the store"
"W-what? Why?"
Hanabi opens her mouth, only for Hiashi to grab her hand, shake his head at her, and say, "Daughter, we are very happy to see that you are okay. We will give you and Shikamaru a moment to talk."
Everyone but Shikamaru clears out of the room.
"Wh-what happened to me Sh-Shika?"
"Tsuki…" Shikamaru pauses, purses his lips, and tries to clear his throat only for him to cough wetly. It seems as if he has a lump in his throat as he tries to swallow and power through to say whatever he needs. "Tsuki, you had a miscarriage."
"W-what?" Her hands instantly touch her stomach, thinking about the life she unknowingly carried and lost. Her mind wonders about the child that could have been. She imagines a little girl with her eyes, Shikamaru's nose and dark brown hair.
Shikamaru hesitantly repeats, "Y-you had a mi-miscarriage."
She can't help but flinch as her arms wrap around her torso even tighter. She shakes her head.
"No. No. No. The doctor to-told me I couldn't get pr-pre" She chokes up, shaking her head even more.
All he can do it wrap his arms around her.
When she the doctor comes back in and tells her that she had to have her vagina scrapped, she decides that's it's in the top five of the worst things that's ever been said to her. Once the procedure happens, she decides that it's the worst even that she's ever had happened to her.
…
She's had a miscarriage.
She'd had a miscarriage.
It hurts so bad that she'd lost their child. But it also opened the possibility of her being able to get pregnant, of having their child.
It takes her few months afterward to see the positive, but she does. She'd had a miscarriage when she thought she couldn't even get pregnant. The doctor's role her that she likely couldn't. That meant that she could. That's why when she found Shikamaru's new box of condoms when they'd long ago stopped using them…when she thought a baby wasn't possible.
The resulting fight isn't pretty.
With Shikamaru and Hinata
They'd just put Hotaru down for a nap, when she's trying to pull him into their bedroom. He's following her, kissing her just as hungrily as she is him. They're pulling at one another's clothes. It's when he pulls out the box of condoms that she has the problem. They hadn't used them in over two years. So, this box is a surprise and an insult all together.
Pushing away from her husband, Hinata asks, "When did you buy condoms? We haven't used them in months."
It was true. The threat of an accidental pregnancy was a reason for condoms for normal couples, but with Hinata's supposed inability to bear children, they decided to forgo them pretty soon into their sexual relationship.
They hadn't actually had gotten to this point in a long time, the mood to even try. He'd bought the condoms just in case because now that he knew that a baby was possible, a baby that would likely put undue strain on her body and heart, a baby she couldn't carry...he never wanted her to feel that pain again. "After the miscarriage…the doctor gave us the warning. We have to take precautions."
"W-what? Why should we when we can try again."
"Hinata, no. Why would you take that risk…" he pauses after saying it, taking in the look that flitters across his wife's face. "You want to get pregnant again."
"Of course, I know that it's possible, a possibility that we can't afford to test. What if the doctor was wrong?"
"It's a risk Hinata. Lady Tsunade agreed with this doctor's prognosis is. We don't know how much damage the knife did to your stomach. You know that and its dangerous. There is no guarantee that – "She opens her mouth to once again contradict him if the pensive wrinkles between her brow were any indication. So, he tries to be her to the punch.
"Don't you care about Hotaru!" He flinches as soon as he says it because the wording comes out wrong.
"Of course, I do. How could you ever say otherwise Shika?!"
"Think about him…you had a miscarriage Hinata. You almost died, and I can't…I can't lose you. Hotaru can't lose you. Isn't he enough?"
Of course, she falters at that. "That's not fair…Shika. That not fair Shika! He's my son; of course, he's enough. He's my world. You're my world expanding him won't change that. Having another baby… You won't lose me"
"Are you delusional? How do you know you'll be fine? What happens if we don't catch it in time…What if this is a fluke and there is no next time Hinata? The doctor warned us against it!"
"Don't you want him to have a little brother or sister, a little you and I mixed together? We got lucky with Hotaru, but we won't have an opportunity to adopt again, not with the scrutiny of you having to produce an heir with your family's abilities."
"Of course, Tsuki I'd love nothing more than that. I'd love nothing more than for you to carry our baby, but the risk of you dying trying is something I can't take. I'm more willing to take a risk of adopting again than putting you in danger. I want Hotaru to have a sibling just as much as you do but never at your expense."
She thinks about the baby she never had the chance of bringing into the world. She thinks about the teen little fingers, ten little toes and button nose. She thinks about the little baby that Hotaru never got a chance to beg to see, love and grow to argue with.
She is angry, and she doesn't mean the "I hate you!" that bubbles up from her throat. He flinches, like she did earlier when he questioned her love for Hotaru, and she's immediately opens her mouth to apologize, but instead she blubbers out, "That's not fair…that's not fair." She finds herself repeating it repeatedly, a sad mantra that is growing in volume and accompanied by small pushes to Shikamaru's chest as he closes in and pulls her close to him. He wraps his arms around her, pulling her close as she thrashed until she became exhausted and collapsed into his chest, her hands fisting into his shirt. Fighting his warmth doesn't work and buries her face into his shirt and she screams, choking on her tears, "ITS NOT FAIR!"
The mantra continues in her head as she develops an imaginary lump in her throat. 'I want to have a baby, our baby. Why is that so wrong?'
He hates seeing her so upset. And if he's being honest, he would love nothing more than her to bear him more children. He buries his face in her hair, his salty tears falling soaking int the dark midnight blue locks. "I know, Tsuki. I know."
Her legs come from beneath her, but he keeps her upright. She wants nothing more than to fall, but her won't let her. He catches her, lifting her legs up to carry her bridal style to the bed that they walked away from. He lays her down, tucking her into bed. "We will find another way."
When she's in the bed, he tries to move away only to have her pull him down. The hand holding his fishnet undershirt is quivering and her voice is weak and thick with sadness, "Pl-please don't leave, Shika."
'As if I ever would' he thinks as he collapses next to her, wrapping his arms around her to keep the nightmares he knows that will hit them both away.
"I don't hate you. I could never hate you. "
"I know Tsuki… I don't think you're delusional"
"But I'm am…I thought that I could do this, that we could have "
"That's not delusion. That's hope and there is nothing wrong with that. I would love nothing more than us to …" he pauses as he chokes up at the thought of her being pregnant with their child, a little addition to their family. 'That can never happen' He winces as more salty tears that he tried to hold back came rushing forth even more even more. So much for being strong. "I'm so sorry Tsuki."
"Me too"
They both hold one another as they cry. They stay like that until the pitter patter of little feet resound against the hard wood floor accompanied by a groggy small voice that calls out "Mommy? Daddy? "
The parents quickly wipe away each other's tears, pull away from one another and sit up. Before she can turn to put her feet on the floor, Shikamaru is up with an "I'll get him Tsuki." Then he has their child in his arms.
The perceptive child takes one look at his dad's red rimmed eyes and says, "Sad?
Shikamaru quickly sniffs and tries to blink away the errant tears that decided to not to listen to him and stay behind in his tear ducts. "No, buddy. I'm fine, okay?" Hotaru squints a little while tilting his head to the side. He doesn't seem to believe Shikamaru, but he nods anyway.
"Good boy." Shikamaru says before leaning and blowing a raspberry on the child's smooth cheek.
Of course, being the sweetest little mother's boy, Hotaru looks toward his mama and with his bright innocent eyes and sees her tears as well.
"W-why mommy crying? Who made her sad?"
Hinata lets out a pitiful, watery as she quickly wipes away her tears. "No baby. Mo-mommy is fi-fine." She smiles, sniffles really, in what she hopes is reassurance, but she knows that that she's lying to herself. The muscles pull funnily, making the smile that she wants to show tun into a grimace. The look that Shikamaru shoots her shows that she has failed.
Hotaru holds out his arms toward his mama. And when Shikamaru forfeits his son's bodyweight. Hotaru quickly snuggles up to his mama and asks her once more to her face. "Mommy sad?"
"No ba-baby mommy is fine." Hinata repeats, wincing to the feeble words.
Shikamaru quickly saves her though by changing the subject. "Buddy, we're gonna have a lazy afternoon."
"L-lazy day?"
"Yeah baby. We'll eat pizza and cinnamon rolls. Won't that be fun?"
Instantly his mother's sadness is eradicated from Hotaru's mind, and he smiles. The young brunet beams at his father before turning to his mother "Daddy said that we're gonna eat in bed tonight."
Hinata looks at her smiling son, her little light in the darkness and musters up one of her own, a true smile. "I'm excited. Are you excited my little love?"
The little boy nods and then begins an evening of revelry.
An afternoon of pigging out and watching movies later leaves the boys in a state of exhaustion. They curl around one another, Hotaru on his father's chest clutching at the man's shirt.
Of course, Hinata can't sleep, so she decides to go and take a shower. When she's finally under the near-blistering spray of hot water, she breaks down once again. Her sniffles quickly turn into full blown sobs that she tries to muffle by biting her right fist. Of course, it doesn't work but she doesn't really care. Her heart is broken, hopes and dreams that she had finally allowed herself to believe. She'd begun to see a baby girl with her eyes and Shikamaru's hair playing with Hotaru while. It's such a beautiful dream, and as she closes her eyes to blink away her salty tears, the dreams turn into metaphorical ash. She wants to blame Shikamaru for his rationality, but she knows that it's no use. Because she sees his logical and knows that he never voices his opinion without a basis for it. He's fucking right—the doctor had told them that her getting pregnant again could deadly for her and that the baby most likely wouldn't survive.
'How could I be so stupid?!' she thinks stumbles backwards to the shower wall and slides down.
She loses track of time as she succumbs to a powerlessness that she had only felt to lesser extent when she'd first found out that Aizen's vengeance took from her. But to have her hopes dashed after having a baby, their baby, inside her.
With Shikamaru
He wakes up as soon as she leaves the bed. He'd become an even lighter sleeper than he was before since Hotaru's birth and him learning to walk. That's why he hears the muffled When her shower doesn't end after about thirty minutes and neither does her tears, he can't himself back from going to her. What he finds isn't surprising but that doesn't make it any less heartbreaking. Hinata is in huddled on the back wall of the tub half-under the spray. The water has run cold if the shivering means anything.
She doesn't register that he is in the room with her until he shuts off the shower.
"Tsuki, let's get you out of here." He goes into the bathroom closet and grabs one of their fluffiest towels for her.
He steps into the tub with her and wraps the towel around her and maneuvers her into his arms. He gently steps out of the tub and by the time they make it to the sink's counter, and he sets her down on it, some life comes back into her eyes. She looks at him and whispers, "Please."
"Hinata…" He grabs her hands when as she pulls on the draw strings of his pajama pants. "Tsuki, we shouldn't. You aren't okay. I'm not okay. We aren't okay." He's right. He knows that she knows that he is.
They shouldn't be doing this, but she needs her husband's comfort. Buts she could never force her pain on him, so she puts a hand to his chest to push him back. Instead of him moving back, he succumbs to his own grief also because the next thing she knows his mouth is pressed to hers and she eagerly reciprocates until their tongues and teeth clash. Eventually, they're both fumbling with his pants until they can get them down enough to free him. And when he does, she reaches behind him for the condoms.
…
They don't make it out of the bathroom. She body is supported by his and the sink counter and his own as he pushes into her. Her hands are tangled in his hair as she pulls him as close to her as possible. Their coupling is rushed and emotionally raw as they try to find a semblance of solace. They're mouths barely leave one another as they also try to keep silent as their son is in the next room. All to soon its over, and they both trying to catch their breath.
The tears still flow.
With No One
It takes a long time to process the loss and the fact that they shouldn't try again. But eventually, they do so. They get to a good place once more where they are parents, partners and equals.
The problems that come with being in a good place is that. It takes two more years for everything to fall part once more.
!
Two Year Time Skip
Hotaru is Now 4
With Hinata
Hinata is yanked from her slumber by her hair. She twists and turns only to have a fist hit her in the face. Her head snaps back, vision darkening around the edges. It feels as if she is gonna pass out, but a scream of "Mommy!" snaps her out of her daze. And that's when she sees Hotaru. He has a busted lip and a bruise on his cheek.
.
.
.
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Haruko*- Spring Born
Masaru*- Victory
In the words of Dr. Strange, "We're in the Endgame Now."
I am still not over what happened to IRON MAN!
Tell me what you think, if I should rewrite or something.
Let me know if my mistakes are too much to bear.
Thank you for reading.
Happy Holidays!
Love you peeps,
~ Kurenai Cakes