"I'm gonna look for my body, yeah
I'll be back like real soon
I'm gonna look for my body, yeah
I'll be back like real soon
I'm gonna look for my body, yeah
I'll be back like real soon
But you know that a king is only a man
With flesh and bones he bleeds just like you do
He said "Where does that leave you"
And "Do you belong?" I do I do
Be leery 'bout your place in the world
You're feeling like you're chasing the world
You're leaving not a trace in the world
But you're facing the world…"
Solange – "Weary"
Erik stood in the lobby of the hospital and stared at the information desk. His feet felt like one hundred-pound weights were attached to them. Pulling out his cell he looked at Twyla's number and rested his fingers on the call button. His stomach churned and his chest felt like someone was stepping down on it.
"Killmonger…"
Erik turned his head to the left and saw Yani's baby sister Anika holding two cans of soda. She stood near a soda machine with swollen eyes and a puffy face. He exhaled fast and walked over to her.
"Am I…is she—"
Anika's face broke and Erik felt his legs buckle. She reached out to steady him.
"She still here. But she's so weak."
Erik wiped his hand over his face a few times and took in deep breaths.
"They are only letting family up to see her—"
"I'll get him in…"
Erik turned to see Leona.
"Miss Leona…I got here as fast as I could. Twyla got in touch with me…"
"I know. She told me."
Leona rubbed his back and Erik could barely hold it together.
"Come here," she said.
Her arms went around his shoulders and Erik leaned into her hug and felt his body shudder.
"You the strong one. I need you to be so strong for her right now…her and the baby…"
"How are you gonna get him in?"
"He's family. C'mon."
Leona led him to the information desk and Erik watched the woman lie to the duty nurse. He was led to a room and given a face mask and a robe and asked to scrub up thoroughly for precautions. Those with the virus were quarantined to one section of the hospital with limited in-room visitors.
When he followed Leona to the elevator, Anika started weeping. Leona reached out and held her arm.
The floor they went to felt solemn and the walk to Sydette's room took forever to reach with the heaviness in Erik's legs. His breath came in shallow puffs and he willed himself to be a solid wall of support. For them.
Twyla sat on a chair outside of a room with Yani's mother and Cee Cee. Kendall stood across from them with Chez and Yani's father.
"Why is he here?" Chez asked.
Twyla stood up.
"I asked him to come," Twyla said.
Yani's mother glared at him.
"He's not—"
"I told them downstairs that he was family. He was close to the baby, you all know this," Leona said.
"He's not blood," Chez said with weak conviction in his voice.
The man looked worn out. Erik's heart went out to him. He had lost one child already and was facing—
Erik focused his eyes on the closed door of Sydette's room. Leona touched his hand before she pulled up her face mask.
"Try and prepare yourself…she doesn't look—"
"I can handle it," he said.
Erik took another look at Chez and the man looked defeated.
"Your daughter is very special to me. I'm not here to bring drama."
Kendall gave Erik a head nod and Yani's father didn't even look at him. His eyes were downcast and his fingers were clasped tight. He rocked a bit in his seat. Chez leaned against the wall and waved his hand at Erik.
Leona opened the door and Erik held his breath.
Stepping in the room, the first thing he saw was the little mattress inside a toddler-sized incubator. A tube was down the baby's throat and half her face was covered with a breathing mask. Tubes were stuck in her thin arms, and a feeding tube was down her nose. Erik was shocked at how tiny she had become. It had been so long since he had seen Sweet Pea, and she had always been his plump little girl with quick chunky legs, and a big personality. She was just a tiny husk of a thing lying on the bed. He sucked in air the moment he saw her and his hands shook.
Yani was draped in a gown and her right hand was stuck inside a protective glove that allowed her to hold Sydette's hand inside the incubator. Another older woman sat next to her stroking her back, and when the woman glanced back at Erik, Yani turned her head also.
Her eyes were so drained of life that Erik felt one loose tear fall on his face staining his mask.
"How…?" she whispered.
Leona pulled Erik toward the incubator. The other woman stood up to make room.
"That's Chez's mother," Leona whispered to him.
Chez's mother moved to the other side of Sydette, her eyes hard on Erik's face.
"Sit," Leona said.
Erik took a cautious seat next to Yani. Her eyes went back to her child. She wiped her face with her other hand.
"Hey, Sweet Pea. Baba's here," she said.
Up close, Erik still couldn't believe it was Sydette.
"Hi, short stuff. I got here as fast as I could. Flew across the big water…"
He placed a hand on the glass and Yani pulled her hand out from the protective glove. She touched Erik's hand.
"Go ahead," she said, nudging his hand toward the incubator.
Erik slipped his hand inside and let one finger touch Sydette's right thumb. He stroked it for a moment, then lifted her small hand. She felt lifeless. Unreal. Erik rested his forehead in his left hand trying to hold his composure.
He prayed to get there in time, and now that he was, it almost felt worse than if he had just arrived after she…
He shook the thought away.
"Ms. Galiber—"
A short Black woman in a Doctor's smock walked in.
"Could I speak with you outside in private please?"
Yani nodded and stood up. Before she left his side, she turned to Erik, pulled down her mask, and kissed his forehead. The warmth from her lips made him close his eyes. Chez's mother jumped up and followed Yani out of the room. When she left, Leona sat in her seat and Twyla slipped into the room.
"They are only allowing three people in the room at a time," Leona said.
Erik focused on Sydette. He brought his face closer to the glass so that he could see the girl's closed eyes that faced his way. He slipped his mask down.
"It ain't time for you to go Lil Mama…cuz I said so."
Erik's eyes sought out Leona's.
"There's nothing they can do?"
"They've done all they could. They don't want her on the machine much longer because it will eventually damage her lungs because they are so small, but she may be too weak to breathe on her own and—"
Leona's lips trembled and Erik put his arm around her shoulder.
"—all the others…they passed away when they were taken off. Sydette's sister Star only lasted an hour when they took her off. Oh, Jesus! It has been a nightmare for all of us…especially Chez."
Erik reached up with his hand to touch Sydette's curls.
"Still wearing her hair all over the place I see."
"That's the only way she likes it," Twyla said tugging down her mask. A smile inched its way on her lips.
"I'm happy you are here, Mr. Killmonger," Leona said.
"Erik."
"Erik."
He held Sydette's hand again and his mind went back in time to when he was a little dude and he wasn't feeling good. His mother would make him some chicken tortilla soup and his Baba would sing to him and make the world and his body feel so much better. His favorite song was the one his father sang before he was born, the one his mother told Erik was sung to her belly while he kicked inside of her.
Erik hummed it under his breath, and when he was sure of the words, he moved even closer to the glass.
"Mother Moon comes down from the heavens to see the new little one…"
Twyla moved into the seat next to his and cradled her face in her hands.
"Lullaby, little one, the world is at your feet…."
Erik did the best imitation of his father's voice singing to Sydette and he felt his heart swell as the lyrics danced out of his mouth. He did a passable English translation while maintaining the Wakandan rhythm of the song.
"Where shall the little one rest their tiny head, eh? Shall the soft grass rise up? Shall the soft clouds climb down? Lullaby, little one…this whole wide world is yours…"
When he finished, Erik rested his hand on Sydette's chest to feel her heartbeat.
"Please…please…don't leave," he whispered.
He rested his forehead on the glass and wept.
Leona walked back into the room followed by the rest of the family. Her eyes held no more hope.
"They want to take her off—"
Leona's head dropped and Kendall pulled her aside as Yani and Chez took shaky steps to the incubator together.
Twyla's hand shot out and grabbed Erik's. He squeezed it and removed his right hand from the protective glove. Yani's mother started wailing and Twyla jumped up to help her back out of the room with Yani's father.
Erik felt untethered, and watching Yani and Chez move as a unit made him feel like an intruder. That was his baby girl lying there, but those were her parents. He stood and took one last look at Sydette.
This was not how he wanted to remember her.
"You can stay," Yani said to him. Her hand touched his wrist.
He shook his head.
"I can't. I don't want to…"
Her face pleaded with him.
Be her rock.
Erik stepped back behind her and gave space for Chez and Kendall. Yani's sister Anika and her other middle sister Dawnette stood on the other side of the room. They left enough space for the doctor and a nurse to open up the incubator.
"Wait—"
Yani's hands were balled up into tight fists. Chez held her arm.
"I don't want to let her go!"
Erik stepped forward and wrapped his arm around her chest from behind.
"I'm not ready…I'm not ready…"
Yani's voice pierced Erik's soul.
Chez's head dropped down and he shook where he stood.
"Yani," Chez whispered, "we don't want her to be in pain. Her body can't take any more from the machine."
Yani moaned in her mouth and her hand shot out to touch her child without any protection.
"Mama's right here…"
Anika ran out of the room followed by Dawnette and the doctor watched Yani's face. Erik felt Yani's body drop and he turned her toward him and held her tight. She clutched at his back.
"Baby. You are here for her. I know you not ready. None of us are. But she knows you're here."
Yani pressed her face into his neck and he stroked her back softly.
"I got you," he whispered.
"That's my baby—"
"I know—"
"I'm scared. I'm scared for her—"
"Don't be. You are so strong for her. Always have been. Let Sweet Pea feel that…"
Yani nodded her head and she turned back around. Erik felt her body tremble against his but she nodded for the doctor and nurse to continue.
The doctor was efficient and moved quickly to remove the breathing tube. They left the drip tubes in Sydette's arms, and when her face was free from the mask, the doctor and nurse stepped back. They could all hear Sydette's heart monitor, and Yani held her daughter's hand. The stillness in the room was unnerving and Erik held onto Yani for his own comfort. Chez's eyes were closed and Erik could only imagine the horror he felt going through this once more. He reached out a free hand and held Chez's shoulder.
Sydette kept breathing on her own and the doctor checked monitors with the nurse.
"Sweet Pea, I'm here…"
Yani kept stroking Sydette's fingers as they all watched her chest move faintly without the help of the breathing tube. It was a steady rhythm. Erik glanced over at the doctor again. The longer they stood there, the more the doctor's expression changed. What was once a grim face started to look a little hopeful.
"Let's give her a little bit of oxygen," the doctor said.
The nurse placed the breathing mask back over Sydette's nose and mouth. There wasn't a change in her condition. Twenty minutes in, Erik had Yani sit down in a chair next to Chez.
When an hour passed the doctor asked everyone except for Yani and Chez to leave the room.
"What's happening?" Anika asked with her sister Dawnette by her side.
"The doctor asked us to leave. Sydette is still breathing," Leona said with a tinge of hope in her voice.
Anika's face broke out into a weak smile.
"She gonna make it—"
"I don't know but she is still here. God is good," Leona said.
"All the time…" Yani's mother answered.
The two women held hands and Anika hugged her sister Dawnette.
Erik wanted to embrace the creeping of hope, but his life experiences always prepared him for the worst possible outcome. He sat down on a chair next to Yani's father and closed his eyes. Jet lag crawled over him and he tried to keep alert in case there were changes in Sydette's condition, but the weariness of the world pressed down on him and he knocked out.
###
"Big man…wake up…"
Erik's eyes fluttered open and for a moment he was disoriented. His lower back pressed against the hard seat he slept on sitting up.
"Here…"
Twyla handed him a cup of coffee in a thick paper cup.
"Sweet Pea…?"
His body jerked forward and she pushed him back in his seat.
"Alive and according to the doctor, has a real good chance of recovery if she keeps improving."
Erik looked toward one of the hospital windows and saw that it was bright daylight.
"What time is it?"
"Ten in the morning."
"Is Yani—"
"She's sleeping in the room with Sydette. Chez went home to check on Ursula. He'll be back."
Erik sipped from the cup. The bitter brew revived him.
"Can we go in and see them?"
"The doctor wants to keep all of us out except for Yani and Chez for now."
"Is Sydette awake?"
"Not yet. It's still wait and see. Her body has to fight on its own now."
Twyla plopped down next to him.
"Man. I'm not the praying type, but my ass was remembering every prayer from Sunday school," Twyla said.
Erik laughed.
"You and me both. Some of my Nana's oldie but goodies were popping up in my sleep," he said.
Twyla stared at his face.
"Yuh came through for my cousin. And my baby cousin. Thank you."
"Thank you for reaching out. I don't know how I would be if you didn't tell me…if she…you know…while I wasn't here."
"You were good to Chez too."
"I don't know how he'll handle this when it's over. And Star…shit…"
Twyla shook her head.
"Star was a sweet baby. I know she came here in a way we all didn't like, but before she passed, they all got close. Yani sometimes kept Star for Ursula when she had to work and Chez wasn't available to stay home. Somehow, they worked that shit out like adults. Mi never think that possible. Alla that bad blood between them? Tuh. Sydette loved her sister though. Them was cute together-"
Twyla burst into tears.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she said with a soft voice.
"Don't apologize."
"I can't wait to get Sydette out of here. There's too much death around us."
"I feel ya."
Erik glanced around.
"Everyone else leave?"
"Some are downstairs resting on the lobby couches. The older folks went home to rest. They'll be in and out as we get more updates."
"Maybe you should go home and rest."
"No. I stay until that little girl walks out of here."
Erik's eyes looked past Twyla as he spotted Yani leaving the room. Her eyes darted around and when she saw him, she smiled. He stood up and went to her.
"Hey—"
"Her eyes are moving back and forth. Like she's dreaming. I think she's gonna wake up soon."
Yani's eyes were shiny.
"That's good to hear—"
"Twyla said you sang to her. Can you come in and sing to her again? Maybe…maybe it will help her?"
She clasped his hand in hers.
The doctor returned and stepped into the room. Yani pulled Erik in with her.
Sydette still looked weak, but she was hanging on. The incubator now had oxygen pumped inside of it instead of the baby wearing a mask. The feeding tube was back down her nose again. He hated seeing that.
They sat next to each other in the chairs near the bed.
"Sweet Pea, Baba came to sing to you."
Erik felt a little shy. Singing wasn't his thing. Yani had heard him bludgeon songs for Sydette before at the compound. But he never sang Lullaby Little One until he was at the hospital.
Yani's eyes regarded his. Her face was so vibrant. Erik turned to look at Sydette. He cleared his throat and sang the first two stanzas. He reached his hand inside the protective glove and held the baby's hand. The grin on Yani's face was worth the wobbliness of his voice.
Touching Sydette's cheek, he finished up what he could remember until he saw the baby's eyes flutter open. Her eyes fell on his and Yani clutched Erik's arm so hard he could feel her nails.
"Hi baby girl," Yani said.
Erik removed his hand from the one protective glove he used and let Yani slips her hands into both.
They both stared at Sydette as her eyes tried to focus on them. The tube down her nose startled her and she started to cry, but they were both happy to hear the sound.
"Mama's right here…oh, I know, I know, that nasty tube doesn't feel so good. Yuh hear Baba singing? Did his voice make you cry?"
Erik started laughing and Yani's eyes twinkled at him. She nudged his shoulder with hers.
"I have to call Chez," she said.
Yani freed one hand and reached for her cell on the hospital nightstand. The nurse returned and was delighted to see that Sydette was awake.
"Can I hold her? Not with the gloves, but my own hands?" Yani asked.
"Let me check with the doctor first," the nurse said observing Sydette's heart rate.
Erik stood up and headed for the door.
"I'll be back," he said when Yani's eyes questioned his movement.
He stepped into the corridor and rummaged through his duffle bag. Pulling out his toiletry bag he looked for the Men's Room. He found it and rinsed his hands with cool water. Splashing water on his face he stared at himself in the mirror. He looked worn down and he watched his eyes water. His left hand clutched at his face and he felt relief flood his body.
Erik brushed his teeth and used mouth wash to rinse away the sourness he was tasting. His back hurt and he was still feeling weary. Returning to the corridor, he sat near his bag and rested his eyes until he heard Chez return. He swept past Erik with the doctor and entered Sydette's room. He listened to Chez's excited voice at seeing his daughter awake and when Erik stood to look into the room, he saw Yani holding Sydette in her arms with Chez holding onto the girl's hand.
"Where yuh going?" Twyla asked.
Erik hoisted his duffle bag on his shoulder.
"I'm going to get a hotel room."
"You won't stay at the compound?"
"I don't want them knowing I'm back just yet. I'll go back in a few days."
"You still look whooped from your trip. I'll keep you in the loop."
Twyla peeked into the room and saw Yani and Chez sitting together and holding their child. Yani's eyes swept up and saw them watching her from the hall. Erik held up a hand to her and walked away.
"Let us know where you'll be," Twyla called after him.
He nodded and pressed an elevator button.
###
When Sydette was able to have the feeding tube removed and eat regular food again, Yani felt like their life could go on. Chez did all he could to be with their daughter as she recovered, but he was in the midst of planning a funeral and grieving with Ursula and her family. Whatever tenuous family understanding they had prior to Star's death vanished. Yani felt sorry for Chez. He wanted to stay and comfort his living daughter and not have to deal with the pain of consoling his other family that blew his cell up every time he visited the hospital. Ursula's loss was one that Yani was grateful to bypass, and it made her hold Sydette tight every time she held her baby in her arms.
"Go stay with her. We'll be home soon and you can see Sweet Pea after the funeral. Your woman has a hole in her heart and you should tend to that. We'll be here."
Yani watched Chez rock Sydette in his arms. He was so attentive and tender with her.
"We won't survive this, Yani."
His eyes looked dry and wounded.
"We struggled to make shit work, but yuh know how it is. She was always jealous of you…we fought all the time—"
"Not in front of Sweet Pea and Star I hope—"
"We was just maintaining, Yani. For Star's sake. Now our baby is gone and…what's the point? We don't love each other. Not the way yuh 'sposed to for a family to work."
He looked down at Sydette's peaceful face.
"Star was the only thing that made us."
"You need to hold it together for she homegoing, Chez. You need to stand together for Sydette's sister. You owe that baby girl. And this one here."
"The funeral will be held at Ursula's mother's church. Friday."
"I'll be there."
Chez's cell buzzed again and he shook his head.
"Go," Yani said, taking Sydette from his arms.
Her own phone vibrated on the chair next to her and she saw it was Zachary. He had been in Florida interviewing for jobs and planning to make a permanent move stateside as soon as he could find work. She texted him a quick message letting him know that Sydette was better and would be going home soon. There were so many people she was behind on getting in touch with. Twyla and Anika were a big help in informing non-family, but as it stood, Yani was just ready to turn the world off and get her baby home safe.
"I'll leave when I'm ready."
Sydette woke up when the nurse came in and Yani allowed the woman to check her.
"I changed her pull-ups already," Yani said.
The nurse checked Sydette's temperature and marked her results on the medical chart hanging against the bed.
"Her appetite is coming back," Yani said.
"That's good," the nurse said. She hooked Sydette's arm to a drip line again to give her more fluids.
"Yuh thinking of moving to Florida with Zachary?"
Yani glared at Chez.
"Zachary and I are friends—"
"Be real, Yani. You were with him before that other dude, and I know you want to go stateside one day. Better opportunities there."
"He wahn mi to transfer schools. I'll finish here first before I think of doing anything."
"If you can get away from here…do it. Take our baby someplace bigger. I'm thinkin' of leaving…"
"Where yuh go, huh? Your mother would have a fit."
"Nothing here for mi. Can't make no real money."
Chez's phone buzzed again.
The nurse handed Sydette back to Yani. She was wide awake and anxious to lay against Yani's breast.
Chez leaned over and kissed Sydette's cheek. He stood up and tucked his phone in his pocket.
"If Zachary can help you get a good life, take it."
"I can make mi own good life for us."
Chez nodded.
"See you soon," he said.
Yani watched him leave then looked down at her daughter.
"If Mama still had milk, you'd have it Sweet Pea."
"Hello there! How are we today?"
The doctor swept in full of the good cheer Yani really needed to feel at that moment.
Sydette's eyes looked tired again and she yawned wide.
"Some good news. Sydette's vitals look very good. Heart rate back to normal and she's putting on good weight. The viral load is undetectable and not contagious at this point anymore. You can take her home tomorrow. I want to keep her under observation for one more night, and then we can schedule check-ups."
Yani burst into tears and the doctor touched her shoulder.
"I know it's been a rough road to travel, but this little girl is one of the lucky ones. A little fighter."
"Thank you," Yani said wiping her face.
"This virus is simmering down on the island. The worst of it is over for now."
"Could Sydette get it again? I mean, if there were another outbreak?"
"It's always possible. But Sydette may have developed anti-bodies to help her in the future for this type of virus."
"But viruses mutate—"
"True, and unfortunately, we don't have the proper medicines developed to combat this particular strain. Your daughter's genetic make-up may have played a role in protecting her. She may have already had the natural anti-bodies in her system to help fight this virus on her own."
"Yuh blessed, Sweet Pea."
Sydette pressed her face into Yani's chest with droopy eyes. She fell asleep to the gentle rocking Yani gave her.
"How many children are still fighting this?"
"In this hospital, we still have three quarantined and I can't say how they will fare. Hopefully, they will come through like Sydette. The other hospitals have a total of five. And there are some adults and elderly spread throughout. A little over a dozen."
Yani asked more specific medical questions and the doctor was impressed.
"I'm studying to be a nurse," Yani said.
"You ask some very compelling questions."
"I want to work as a nurse/midwife, but since this has happened…I think maybe I want to work with sick children."
The doctor talked with Yani a bit more until she was needed for another patient. The woman was kind enough to give Yani her number in case she had more questions about pediatric nursing.
Yani rocked her daughter some more and thought about what Chez said.
Florida.
More opportunities.
For someone who had always been controlling, it sounded weird hearing him push her toward Zachary. In the past, she may have agreed with that idea. But with Klaue and Killmonger's money, she didn't need to anchor herself to anyone for survival. She had the means to take care of herself and daughter on her own.
She mulled the idea over and watched her baby slumber in her arms.
###
Yani knew Erik was on the fence about going to the funeral, but she texted him and asked that he join her. Some of her family were not going because of their hurt over Ursula and Chez doing Yani wrong. But a few—Twyla, Kendall, and Monice—were going because they knew Chez and wanted to pay their respects to Sydette's sister.
Yani left Sydette at home with her sister Anika. She worried about exposing Sydette to the outside so early, and she also didn't feel right about bringing her daughter to a funeral, family or not.
She wore big dark glasses and a black scarf over her head. The dark dress she bought was a little too long and she had to hold up the hem when she walked. Sitting in the back of the church with her cousins, Yani could feel the grief in the entire church pressing in all around her. It wasn't a big church, but it was big enough to draw a large crowd of people who knew Chez's family well. Yani couldn't even look at the front of the funeral program or inside of it. The big photo of Star sitting on a tricycle broke her heart, and inside the program, there were pictures of Star and Sydette together. She couldn't help but think that this could've been her same fate. Her entire family could've been in a similar church watching Yani fall out like Ursula was doing in front of the mourners. Twyla passed Yani some tissues and she wiped her eyes under her glasses.
"Yani."
Kendall whispered to her and when she looked over at him, he was staring at the aisle.
Killmonger stood there in a dark shirt and slacks with shades on. Yani scooted over in the pew to make room for him on the end. The choir sang a hymn and she was cognizant of the warmth seeping into her from Erik's side pressed next to hers in the packed pew. His body heat always made her feel safe and she leaned against him more. He raised his arm and placed it around her shoulder and she automatically pushed her face against his neck and wept. Ursula's sorrowful voice added to the lamentations throughout the church and Yani didn't think she could take much more. How could anyone really stomach the sight of a tiny pink and white coffin? Killmonger squeezed her shoulder and she stuffed the tissue in her hand under her nose.
"People always say that there's nothing harder than a parent losing a child…"
Chez's voice trembled and Yani turned away from Killmonger's neck to look at him. Ursula stood next to him with Chez's mother holding her hand. His words were sweet and he peppered them with stories of Sydette and Star. Yani could only wonder…if they had taken Star to the hospital sooner, would she still be alive like Sydette?
Other people stood up to speak and by the time the service was over and the congregation moved around to give condolences to the family, Yani was drained. She didn't want to walk up to Chez's or Ursula's family. Her cousins left the pew and made the solemn walk to the family, but Yani didn't budge. She stayed hugged up against Killmonger and wished she were somewhere else.
"Can you take me home?" she whispered.
Killmonger stood up and held out his hand for her. She took it and gave one last look at the back of Chez's head. She just couldn't do it. It was enough to be there for them.
Chez turned his head and looked back at her.
She steeled herself and raised her hand toward him. He gave a sad smile and waved back at her.
"I don't…I…"
Yani squeezed Killmonger's hand. A lump grew in her throat as her eyes watered.
The line of mourners grew smaller as Yani stood watching Chez and Ursula take more heartfelt condolences.
Once, not long before the children took ill, Yani had made some mild curried chicken roti and sat in front of her tv with Sydette and Star on each side of her hip. Both girls had their fingers outstretched and greedy mouths open as she finger fed them small pieces from her plate while trying to eat some herself. Star had snatched a piece and held it out for Sydette. Yani had put some chunky potato pieces in her roti and when Star handed it to Sydette they made a mess trying to gobble it up before Yani took it from them. Clearly, they had both inherited their father's appetite for food.
Yani sat with them lying on her lap as she touched Sydette's soft halo of curls and Star's silky ringlets, humming under her breath, thinking about giving them ice cream for dessert. She had just started calling Star Sunshine because of her infectious smile whenever she saw Sydette. The girl's face would just light up on sibling visits. Yani had fallen in love with the child and finally accepted that difficult and hurtful things happened in life that were not planned for, but there was always a way to turn it around and make peace with it. Not an easy peace, but one that wouldn't make her feel stuck.
Yani took a deep breath. She had to honor that baby's spirit.
"Killmonger…"
He walked with Yani up to the front of the church. They stood in front of Star's casket together.
"Alla we miss yuh Sunshine. Yuh Sweet Pea's special little angel now."
Yani reached out and touched the casket and then quickly clutched onto Killmonger's arm. He led her toward the family and Ursula started shaking as she wiped tissue in front of her eyes. Chez sat next to her but they were not close to one another. His eyes dragged up to Yani's face and she leaned down and hugged him. When she stood back up, Killmonger held her hand. She turned to Ursula and tried to give her some words, but Ursula turned her head away and clutched onto her mother who sat to her left. Yani's stomach tightened, and she pressed her lips together to keep from saying something she would regret. Maybe it was too much for Ursula to handle. Maybe it was a mistake to face them.
Killmonger guided her out of the church. Cars were already lining up for the processional to the gravesite. She saw Twyla and Monice heading to where they had parked, and Kendall lingered gazing up at her on the top step of the church.
"Will you go to the repast?" Kendall asked.
"No, I think I'll skip that."
Kendall stared at Killmonger.
"You'll take her home?" he asked.
"Yeah," Killmonger said.
Kendall blew Yani a kiss and made his way toward his cousins.
Killmonger walked her to a car that wasn't from the compound. He opened the passenger door for her and helped her in.
They were quiet for a few minutes as he maneuvered away from the church, but the moment they were free of the line of cars, Yani let out a long exhale that made her feel more centered.
"That was hard…I didn't think I could go up there…what could I tell them? Sorry sounds so trivial a thing to say—"
"Yani. It's ok-"
"I felt so selfish sitting there and just thinking about Sydette the whole time. Star was in that little coffin, and my mind was thinking of Sweet Pea eating a full lunch today."
"Don't beat yourself up about it. I'm sure other parents in that church were thinking about their children too."
"I used to think horrible things about Ursula. I used to pray that she would lose her baby or that she was a lying whore and Star was someone else's…or she'd be run over in a car, or a big boulder would roll down a hill and squash her and Chez and their cheating family…and now…I feel like a shitty human. Star didn't deserve this. I should never have put that negative energy out into the world—"
"Yani…"
She focused her attention out of the window. When they finally reached the east side of the island, Yani became more clear-headed.
"How long are you back for?"
"Not long. Plans are in motion as always."
She stayed quiet the rest of the way and when they reached her apartment, they sat in the car for a time.
"Do you want to come up and see her? I want you to."
"I want to see her…I want to see you…"
"But?"
"This shit is gonna be surface-level here on out. I can't make anything real with you. With her. Not the way you want."
Yani laid her head back against the headrest.
"Come up and see her as my friend then."
She held her hand out to him. He threaded his fingers with hers.
They took their time walking up to the unit. Anika was surprised to see him, but she only gave a coy glance at Yani's face.
"She's in her room," Anika said.
"Sleep?"
"I just put her in there. She was feeling a little warm earlier, but she's fine now."
Yani walked into Sydette's room with Killmonger behind her. Sitting on the bed, she touched her daughter's forehead.
Killmonger lingered by the door.
The baby shifted under the covers.
"Hey, Sweet Pea. Mama's home."
Sydette's eyes fluttered open.
"Guess who's here?"
Yani moved aside so Sydette could see Killmonger in the doorway. He stepped forward and Yani watched Sydette's eyes track his movement.
"Lil Mama…"
Sydette recognized his voice and face, but she turned her head toward Yani. He came closer and sat next to Yani on the bed.
"Hey," he said.
His hand reached forward and touched her cheek and she clutched onto Yani's waist, ignoring Killmonger by hiding her face. Stroking her daughter's still too thin shoulders, Yani looked at Killmonger. The corners of his mouth were downturned and his eyes were shadowy orbs full of sadness.
"She must be tired still," Yani said.
Killmonger nodded and his eyes looked away from Sydette.
"I'll make us some tea, yeah?"
"Sure. Sounds good," he said.
She pulled the covers up around Sydette's chest but the girl fretted and reached for her again.
"I'll make the tea," he said.
He left the room and Yani looked down at her daughter.
"Why yuh do that, Sweet Pea, huh? Him come so far just for you…"
By the time she heard the tea kettle in her kitchen whistling, Sydette was asleep again. Yani took her temperature with a forehead thermometer. It was just a slightly elevated temperature.
"Still drinking tea with all that extra sugar?" he asked when she stepped into her living room.
Killmonger had two mugs in his hand. Red bush tea for himself, and plain black tea with milk for her. He handed her the drink and they sat on her couch as Anika gathered up a few books she had on the coffee table.
"She's had her Pedialyte with lunch and she went to the bathroom by herself on her potty chair. How were things?"
"Sad. But it was a nice service."
"Chez and Ursula?"
Yani shrugged.
Anika glanced at Killmonger again and clutched her books to her chest.
"I'll hang out in her room," Anika said.
Yani sipped her tea as her sister slinked away still eying Killmonger and giving a look to her.
"Anika's been staying with me since Sydette's been back home. Helping me out."
"That's good."
"You still staying at the hotel?"
"Yeah."
"Thank you for coming to the service today. You helped make it easier. I mean…funerals are never easy…but…"
His eyes made her jumpy and she had to look away from him. There was compassion there, but also a burning intimacy that felt so heavy with them alone in her living room. She finished drinking her tea and tried to come up with things to say to him. Pleasant things. Things that would make her forget the sadness of the day.
"How was your trip to London?"
"It was good."
"Your family is well?"
He nodded and his eyes were once again hypnotizing her. His lips. She tried not to look at his lush mouth, but she couldn't help it. Every detail of his face looked dazzling and new, and even with the strain they had all endured with Sydette, Killmonger still made her feel alive when he stared at her. Like he could see the real her. The one that was blossoming and becoming something new.
"I was really surprised when you and Klaue gave me that money—"
He set his mug down and moved closer to her.
"I don't want to talk about that. How are you feeling? Have you had any real rest? You been eating? Taking care of yourself?"
"I try. But I focus all my energy on her."
He touched her face.
"Are you hungry now? Want me to get you something to eat?"
"No, I've got food I can heat up later."
He stood up and held out his hand.
"C'mon. You should take a nap."
She could feel her body feeling grateful that he named out loud what she needed.
He took her to her room and she slipped off her kitten heels and stockings.
"I'll check with you late," he said.
"Stay."
His eyes went to the open bedroom door and the hallway. She walked over to her door and pushed it partially closed so she could hear Sydette.
Pulling the dress over her head, she saw how Killmonger's eyes rested on the black silk slip she wore under it. She pulled the covers back on her bed and crawled in, making room for him. Glancing at the door again, Killmonger unbuttoned his shirt.
"You can get comfortable, it's okay," she said.
He hesitated for only a second and then he pulled off his slacks and laid them on top of his shirt on her dresser. His dark boxer briefs had her eyes ghosting over the shape of his ass. Everything about him physically looked so different. Chiseled. Like he had been in deep training preparing for something intense. He climbed onto her bed and slipped under her comforter and sheet.
Placing her head on her pillow, she faced him and they stared at one another. Light from the late afternoon sky filtered through her bedroom window. Her fingers flexed in her left hand and she reached out and touched his cheek. He closed his eyes and before she knew it, he pulled her tight against him.
He smelled so good.
Sandalwood mixed with bergamot.
Clean and fresh and so warm.
His lips rested on her forehead and his right hand rubbed her lower back. His touch ignited her skin and the more he rubbed the silk against her, the more her nerve endings came alive. They couldn't even take a nap together without the need to touch one another.
She needed the comfort of him next to her and didn't hesitate to tilt her head and kiss him. It took little to encourage him and his mouth opened the moment her tongue licked the middle of his lips. His tongue tasted of the natural sweetness of the red tea he drank and it made her mouth water as his tongue slid against hers. Yani heard herself whimpering when his hands cradled her neck and face.
She moaned in his mouth once she realized it had been so long since her body felt anything other than pain and sorrow. Stress. Fear. Physical sensations of pleasure had been stunted since Sydette's illness. Pleasure in eating good food. Pleasure in bathing. Pleasure in laughter or companionship. Pleasure in seeing her baby girl smile. Pleasure in dancing, or singing, or being alive.
She would've lost her mind if Sydette had left her.
But this man, kissing her as only he could, had rushed over an ocean the moment he was told Sydette was in trouble. Sang to her child and told her she wasn't allowed to leave the world. He stood with Yani when the doctor was essentially cutting the life cord away from her baby.
He once told her that he was almost killed and that she had saved his life by being a lifeline for him. This dangerous man in her bed had now done the same for her daughter. She wanted to believe that.
She touched Killmonger's face. He was still hers and she would always be his. He might be able to maintain a surface level relationship, but she knew she never could. And she knew that her heart would be broken again, but it was worth it. To feel like this. With him.
The headiness of his mouth on hers eased away all the tightness and tension she carried just trying to get through that day. She could feel his body reacting to her and he pulled his lips away. He turned her to face away from him so he could spoon against her. The consuming heat from his skin lulled her into a deep needful slumber.
When she woke up hours later with her arm flung over her head, she rolled over to look at Killmonger and found Sydette curled up on his chest.
Both of them sound asleep.