Happy New Year, everybody! Here's to 2020 being a good one!

This chapter is kind of a fallout of the last one, but I don't think it's too bad. I really wanted this to be when Athelstan and Lagertha begin to understand one another, so I hope you like it.

This chapter is also split between Athelstan and Lilith's perspective, so we can get both of their takes on what's happened.

Enjoy!

Certainty

For a long while after leaving the grove and the temple, they all walked together as they had after arriving a week earlier. Bjorn stayed close to his mother and sisters, and Athelstan was glad since it gave them all a chance to say goodbye. Ragnar had already moved to the front of the line, and many of the men who were leaving with him followed him along the way. There wasn't much to say, so the walk back to the boats was quiet. Helga joined them after an hour, helping carry the pallets and the food, but she didn't say anything to anyone. Whenever Athelstan caught her looking at him, she just smiled and kept walking. He didn't know what to say that wouldn't come out as an accusation like it had with Lagertha, so he didn't say anything either. It was very unnerving.

Since the boats were all tied off together, they all stayed together until it was time to board the boats to leave. Ragnar and those going with him all climbed into the boat that would carry them to Götland, while Lagertha led her children and everyone else to the two boats that were left.

Bjorn said one final goodbye to Lagertha, and she to him before he followed Ragnar. While they did that, Athelstan helped Lilith and Gyda into the boat so they could get settled before they left. Siggy and Thyri also boarded the boat, and for a second, Thyri tried to say something to him. But when he ignored her, she sighed and went to sit where her mother had settled. Athelstan didn't know what to say to her, especially since he didn't really know her to begin with. So he chose not to say anything.

Lagertha came back then, sitting near the bow where he was, and with a nod, she told the midshipman to push off.

Athelstan noticed she was shaking, leaning closer make sure she was all right. "Did Bjorn say something?" he asked.

She shook her head. "No. I am fine. I'll just be glad when we are home, and away from this place."

For a minute, he was stunned by her words, but then she looked at him, and he could only nod, agreeing with her. So far, Uppsala had not been a pleasant experience for him, and he was glad it was over. After this, going back to Kattegat was a welcome prospect.

Just as it had been on the way here, the weather remained agreeable on the way back. Any time the clouds built up and it threatened to rain, Athelstan held Lilith and Gyda close to him, and he stayed ready to move them under the canopy to sit between the men and women rowing the boat. It never became necessary. The sun would come out soon after that, and he relaxed even if he still kept the girls in his arms.

The first night, and then the second night, he slept sitting up with Lilith and Gyda under his arms and his cloak to keep them warm. He made sure they had enough to eat and drink, and he told them short stories between the food and water to keep them occupied. On the third night, Lagertha bid him to lay close to her while the girls slept between them. He still saw the fear in her eyes, but he said nothing, knowing she would say something when there as something to say.

"Ragnar was supposed to tell you after you had been chosen," she said not long after they had all laid down to go to sleep.

When she didn't say anything after that, Athelstan looked in her direction, her blank expression telling him everything he needed to know. He lowered his eyes to Lilith as she slept in his arms, thinking of how angry she had been and knowing it would be days before she wasn't so angry anymore.

"We all believed he would tell you before we arrived," Lagertha continued, still not looking at him. "I told him it was his responsibility because he was our Earl, and you were his friend. No one else questioned why it was taking him so long. I was the only one who pressed him, and it seemed to make him wait even longer. And for that, I am truly sorry. You should have known before we left Kattegat."

Athelstan nudged Lilith away, sitting up to face the rest of the boat as the other men and women rowed diligently.

"I wish that was good enough," he lamented. "And I wish it wasn't like this now. I don't know why Ragnar didn't tell me. I wish I did. I'm still trying to figure him out, and this isn't helping at all. I thought I knew him, and I thought he knew me well enough to know how angry I would be at him for doing this."

Slowly, Lagertha sat up with him and reached for his arm. "Athelstan, we chose you because we care about you. Losing you would have cause so many of us pain, but we were willing to endure that to have you be the one to save us. Didn't Ragnar tell you that?"

"This isn't about the sacrifice," he chided. "It's not about me! This is about Lili. How can you not understand that, after knowing her for so long? Do you not understand how fragile she is, how innocent she is? I made a promise to her as well, and you very nearly caused me to break it. Don't you see that?"

She bowed her head, ashamed. "I am sorry. And of course I understand. Lilith has brought so much joy and happiness to all our lives. I can barely remember what our lives were like before she was here. But the same can be said of you, Athelstan." She eased her hand into his, and he turned to look at her. "I should have told you more than I did. It should have been me to prepare you for the sacrifice, not Thyri. The men all chose her, and no one thought to question them. I should have."

Athelstan glanced at Lilith and then Gyda, imagining for a moment what it might have been like if Lagertha had done what Thyri had been meant to do. "Lagertha," he whispered and held her hand tighter. "Even if it had — "

"But I understand that it could not be me," she assented. "And I understand your anger. I hope we can understand each other eventually, so you will not be so angry anymore."

The breath he took surprised her and himself at the same time. "I — " He bowed his head and took as deep a breath as he could. "I'm not angry with you, Lagertha. And I know this wasn't completely your doing. You have loved Lili the entire time she has been here, and it is all I ever wanted for her. Of course I forgive you for anything you think you did wrong. I feel like we have both been through quite enough the last several days."

With his hand still in hers, Lagertha lay her other hand over them both. "From this day forward, I will value your friendship, and you will never have to question it ever again."

Athelstan sighed softly, nodding and then laying back down with Lilith while she still slept. Lagertha lay with Gyda as she had been before, and together, they relaxed enough to get to sleep.

In his sleep, Athelstan saw the woman in his dreams again, sitting beside him in her pristine white dress and a soft glow all around her, even in the darkness. They were sailing somewhere safe, and she was smiling down at him. He lifted his hand to touch her cheek, but she vanished before he could, drifting away on the breeze as it carried them along.

Athelstan did not know why he kept dreaming of her, especially since he already knew who she was, or rather, who she would be. It was something significant, and yet, he could not comprehend it. One day, he hoped he knew what it meant.

"You are lucky," Lagertha said on morning of the fifth day. "I wish I could forgive as easily as you do. I wish I didn't carry around so much anguish and longing. How did you cope when you learned what had happened to Lilith?"

The memory of that day still filled Athelstan with anger he didn't know what to do with, and whenever he thought of it, he always tried to push it away. But the moment that Lagertha brought it up, it all came rushing back.

"I still don't know," he admitted. "I was so furious, at Father Cuthbert, at the other brothers there, for what they had done and for what they had allowed to happen. Of all the things he had done to us when we disobeyed, I never expected what he did to her to be worse. And he was never sorry for what he had done. But mostly, I was angry at myself."

He paused, and she turned to him as they sat away from the girls.

"Why would you be angry at yourself?" she wondered. "You did nothing."

Athelstan shook his head. "No, I didn't. And that was why I was angry. I had promised her from the time she could understand and respond to me that I would protect her as best as I could. And from what I learned, Father Cuthbert truly believed he was doing what was best for her. When he sent me away the first time, he expected her to obey him, and when she didn't, he punished her. And I never knew. Because he threatened to remove me from her life permanently if she told me. When I learned that she endured every punishment so she would have me in her life, I had never been more ashamed. She was a child, and I was an adult, and I couldn't protect her."

He paused again, but when he looked at her, he only saw how worried and afraid she was. He pulled in a deep breath and pushed it out. "In many ways, I am still angry about what happened, even if it stopped so long ago. She still suffers from what was done to her, and every time I see her scars, it renews some part of that anger. I don't know what I would do to the next person who tried to do that to her. Now I have to remind myself that she won't ever suffer that fate again because she has people around her who love her. At least until this happened. These last few days, I find that I have had to accept what happened even if it still angers me."

Lagertha took in a deep breath as well, pressing her lips together as she huffed and put her head down. "These last few days, I have found myself thanking the gods for your presence," she reminded to him. "I hope one day that it will be easier to talk of this without feeling so guilty. I hope that for us both, Athelstan."

He eased closer to her and looked up to where Lilith and Gyda were sitting, only thinking for half a minute before he spoke again. "I'm sure everything will be better when we make it back to Kattegat," he assured her.

She glanced at him and nodded, but when she didn't say anything back, he only sat beside her so she would be able to lean on him if she needed.

"My Lady Lagertha," the midshipman called up to her, "we've arrived."

For half a minute, she didn't move. Then she stood and turned to face the bow as they drew closer to Kattegat in the distance. Athelstan watched her closely, remembering what he'd said and how she had responded, and he knew he would have to be there for her when she needed him, especially where the girls were concerned.

Despite it being early in the day when they returned to Kattegat, Lilith discovered she was more tired than she had been after making it all the way to the temple at Uppsala. Of course, Leif had helped her for a good portion of the way, even if she had done quite a bit of it herself. Now that she had walked back to the boats and sat cramped in the hull of another boat the last several days, she was exhausted. Gyda was as well, and when they were inside the safety of the long house, the first thing they both asked Lagertha was if they could find Edda and Þórunn and go back to sleep.

To Lilith's surprise, Lagertha agreed, and not too enthusiastically. That worried Lilith more than she thought it would after the week she'd just had, but not enough that she didn't go straight to the long house with Gyda once everything was unpacked. That's where they found Edda and Þórunn.

"Things have not been the same without you here," Þórunn said as she and Edda walked with Gyda and Lilith. "Ingrid has been relentless, and Amma nearly got herself whipped for disobeying. She and Gerda have been helping in the fields to prepare the harvest."

"But thankfully," Edda said and took Lilith's hand in hers, "now everything will go back to the way it was before. Especially since Athelstan is also back. There were people talking like he wouldn't be coming back from Uppsala, but I'm glad that turned out not to be true."

Lilith sighed softly, instantly remembering Leif and the sacrifice and pushing her anger away as best as she could. After so many days, it was still too easy to see the sad smile on his face and connect it with the one from her dreams. Had she known it all along? What were her dreams trying to tell her?

"Something else happened at Uppsala," Gyda said, and they all looked at her. "It is something that will make us all closer as friends. Come. I will tell you."

As Þórunn and Edda helped them out of their traveling clothes and into sleeping gowns, both Lilith and Gyda told them everything about the festival. Gyda told them about the vendors and the gifts they had brought back for their handmaidens. Lilith told them about the temple and how amazing it had been to see something so old and magnificent. When Edda asked about Athelstan, Lilith was the one who told her about the sacrifices and how no one had explained to him what was happening. Edda wasn't surprised by that.

"But I also began my moon blood," Gyda said when it became tense after talking about what had happened. "So now I am a woman like each of you."

Lilith sighed and smiled, holding the tin for her scars so Edda could apply it gently.

Since Gyda had started her bleeding at the festival, she had been asking Lilith every question she could about what was happening to her body, and it wasn't just about the bleeding, which stopped before they began their journey home. Gyda said she had been having strange dreams, and sometimes, the things she felt in her dreams found their way into her mind while she was awake. Lilith had experienced the same things, but she had Athelstan to keep her from dwelling on it too much. Because their chores had diminished considerably since moving to town, all Gyda could do was think about these thoughts.

All the way home, they had talked, to the point that Lilith had nearly run out of things to say. Normally, she would have asked Lagertha, but now that they were away from the temple, Lagertha was no longer in the mood to talk about nearly anything. But now, she could talk to Edda and Þórunn.

"It isn't just these dreams I'm having," Gyda said as she and Þórunn pushed their bed against Lilith and Edda's and then laid down together. "It's these thoughts I keep thinking. And feelings I keep feeling. It is strange how it all happened at once. It was like that for all of you?"

Lilith nodded, sighing heavily as she glanced at back Edda. "It was," she confirmed. "It is. And Athelstan says that's normal for girls. He remembered his sister being the same way, even though he was very young the last he saw her."

Gyda sighed as well, settling into Þórunn's arms. Her eyes were as heavy as Lilith's, and when she reached for her hand, it was easy to allow her to take it. "I'm worried about Mother," she admitted.

"I am too," Lilith agreed.

Slowly, Gyda's eyes closed, and Lilith didn't fight her own sleep, closing her eyes as well.

The smell of food cooking woke Lilith from her slumber as it usually did in the mornings, and she opened her eyes to discover Gyda, Þórunn and Edda still asleep. She looked around to see late afternoon light coming through the top of the room where they were sleeping, and she decided it was almost time for supper. With a gentle nudge, she woke the others, and they all rose together to find Lagertha and Athelstan.

The long house was mostly empty, but across the way to the Great Hall, a small crowd had gathered around Lagertha as she sat before them all explaining where Ragnar was.

"As I said, this was a very important errand King Horik has asked Earl Ragnar to perform, but I am confident that as soon as it is finished, he will return to Kattegat. Our journey to Uppsala was successful, and we should all pray to the gods for their protection now that our sacrifice has been given to them."

A few of the people gathered grumbled even as they all turned to leave, and when Lagertha looked up to see Lilith and Gyda at the doors with Edda and Þórunn, she gestured for them to come to her.

"I trust you are all well-rested," she said, waiting for them to nod before she continued. "Good. Now all of you go to the back with Athelstan and Siggy to help with supper. We will be eating over here while the linens and furs are changed from our beds."

Gyda didn't question her, taking Lilith's hand and pulling her toward the back of the Hall where the food was currently being cooked. Lilith glanced back just once, seeing Lagertha's pinched face and her sour expression and wondering what had been said at the gathering.

Athelstan was currently tending the fire as a pot of food cooked, and he smiled when he saw Gyda and Lilith with Þórunn and Edda, reaching for them all as he stood up.

"Well, good afternoon," he greeted and hugged them each of them, lingering with Lilith and Edda. "I checked on you just an hour ago, and you were all sleeping so soundly. Are you rested up now?"

Gyda nodded and then Lilith did, and he pulled them to where Siggy was cutting up vegetables for supper with Ingrid.

"Good," he said. "Sit over here with Siggy and Ingrid, and when Lagertha comes back, we'll sit down and eat. Edda, Þórunn, you can help as well."

They sat down across from Siggy, and she passed small knives to them so they could help her. She looked up at Athelstan just as she did, but nothing was said as she went back to her chopping. Lilith looked at Athelstan too, but he was already adding food to the pot to cook with his back to her.

It stayed quiet as they all worked, and when Siggy stood up to carry the food she had cut up to the fire, she whispered something to Athelstan that Lilith couldn't hear before leaving to go to the front of the Hall.

"Athelstan, is everything all right?" Lilith asked, turning to him as he still stood by the fire.

He hesitated, not answering her for a minute. "Everything's fine, Lili," he said after being quiet. "We're all just getting used to our old schedule again. I hope you're both able to concentrate tonight for your writing lessons. It's been over two weeks since we had one."

She finished with her onions and carried them to where he stood, waiting until it was all in the pot before she spoke again. "What was that assembly for that Lagertha was having when we came in?" she asked.

He shrugged. "I didn't know there was one," he said, but he didn't look at her as he spoke.

Lilith stared up at him until he noticed she wasn't moving away, but when he looked at her, he said nothing.

Siggy came back before either of them could speak, hurrying to Athelstan's side as Lilith stood beside him.

"Lagertha needs you, Priest," she announced.

He didn't say anything to Lilith, stepping around her to leave the back, and once he as gone, Siggy gently lay her hand on Lilith's shoulder.

"Do not worry, child," she pressed. "There are many things we must become accustomed to again now that we are home. Help your sister."

Since she was not given the option of doing anything else, Lilith huffed as loudly as she could and sat back down with Gyda.

Supper was decidedly more somber than it had been since Ragnar had been gone the last time, and even then, it wasn't this bad. Lagertha wouldn't speak, and she barely ate. Siggy and Thyri both sat across from her and spoke only to each other. Edda and Þórunn only sat and ate, since there wasn't much they could talk about. Gyda was so worried about her mother that she didn't say anything to any else either, and Athelstan had his nose so far into his cup that Lilith thought he might drown in it. And there was so much that needed to be said. Lilith didn't know how to make that happen anymore.

The next several days were like this, and though Athelstan still sat with Lilith and Gyda to give them new reading and writing lessons, he was just as quiet and evasive as he had been their first day back. Lilith had to know what had happened, and she knew there was only one way to make him tell her. She waited until they had all gone to bed maybe a week after that, taking her blanket with her to find Athelstan as he lay in front of the fire to keep it tended.

Ever since before they had left for Uppsala, he had been doing this, and it was always strange to Lilith since there were now other servants to do it so he could focus on her and Gyda and Lagertha. There was another reason why he was doing it now, and Lilith knew it had everything to do with what had happened when they had returned.

Just as she suspected, when she came upon him in the main gathering place of the long house, he wasn't sleeping at all. He was sitting up alone without his cloak on even though it was much cooler at night now.

"Are you sleeping at all?" she asked him as she walked closer to him.

He looked away from the fire to see her there, sighing heavily. "Lili, it's late. Why aren't you asleep?"

She sat on the bench next to him, keeping her blanket around her shoulders. "I am not sleeping because you are not sleeping," she told him. "And I cannot sleep until I know what is bothering you. And I know something is bothering you, Athelstan. You have been trying to hide it, but you have done a very poor job. If you tell me, maybe I can help."

Clenching his jaw, he turned back to the fire. "I wish you could," he admitted. "But I don't think the words of a little girl would persuade the people of this town from their thinking or their words. And while you might have been accepted by them, I still have not been. There is nothing to be done about it. You cannot help, so you should not worry over it. Not because of me."

Lilith didn't hesitate, grabbing his hand and pulling him out of the long house into the night even if it wasn't completely dark.

"Lili, please," he exclaimed. "You should be asleep."

"So should you," she countered. "And until you do, I won't. Besides, I'm going to show you something."

He huffed as he followed her, and she pulled him down to the water front where the slave quarters stood against the barn where the animals stayed in the winter.

Lilith had explored every corner of Kattegat with Gyda when they had first moved here, and though she had been Earl Ragnar's daughter, many of the people in town had known she wasn't from there. They had not been kind to her, even when she had been with Gyda or Bjorn, but slowly, the harsh looks and harsh words had ceased. And now she could go anywhere she wanted by herself.

"The people here didn't accept me when we first moved here either," she reminded him as she pulled him into the barn. "And even if I was with my sister and brother, they scowled at me. So I always hid in here when Bjorn was training with Ragnar or when Gyda was helping Lagertha with our clothes."

The inside of the barn was much warmer since it was still summer, but it was easy to move around the horses and goats to where the hearth fire burned low at the middle of the building. There lay a speckled grey cat and her litter of kittens as they kept warm and napped like cats usually did when they were happy.

"Do you still remember all of the ducks and goats and dogs at the monastery?" she asked him.

"Of course I do," he answered. "What does that have to do with anything? And why are we here and not back in the long house? We can't sleep out here, Lili."

"I did," she said simply.

She turned to face him, sitting by the fire and lifting one of the kittens to her lap to hold it. It cried a little but then settled and went back to sleep as she pet it. She looked up at him, waiting until he sat in front of her to look down at the kitten.

"You've slept out here?" he asked, confused.

She shook her head. "No. Not out here."

It took him another minute to understand, and he sighed heavily, closing his eyes for a second before he looked at her again. "Lili. Why would you sleep with the animals? Surely it wasn't safe for you there."

"Well, of course it wasn't," she exclaimed. "But you were gone, and every time I did something he didn't like, I was either punished for it or sent to bed without supper. No one else there cared for me, and I didn't have anywhere else to go. So, yes, I slept in the barn with the goats and the dogs. It was the only place where I felt any warmth, and the animals didn't care how I had come to be there. They only cared that I was nice to them."

The embarrassment on Athelstan's face was enough for Lilith to put the kitten down and scoot closer to him. She took his hands in hers, the same way he always did with her, sighing like he had. "My point is that it doesn't matter if these people accept you. It doesn't matter if they don't appreciate you, and it doesn't matter if they never do. I do. You are the only one here who has always taken care of me, and even if I have others who can help, I don't want only them to do it. And it should only matter if the person who needs you knows where you belong. I know where you belong, Athelstan. Isn't that enough?"

He stared at her without saying anything for almost a whole minute. He pulled her into his arms without speaking, holding her so tightly that he nearly crushed her like Ragnar always did. Lilith held onto him with both her arms, knowing what had happened even if he hadn't really told her.

"I was trying to protect you," he whispered. "I had almost forgotten that nearly everyone who went to Uppsala knew what was going to happen to me. It turns out many people in town knew as well, and they were not happy to see me return. Lagertha said you would understand, but I couldn't put that on your shoulders. I have been protecting you for so long. It seems it is a habit I cannot break, even when I see it affecting everyone around me. Forgive me. Please."

Lilith held onto him tighter. "Always," she promised.

His whole body shook like he was crying, and for a few seconds, she was worried that she had made it worse. Then he laughed and cradled her head, kissed her forehead and lay his own forehead against hers.

"And will you please tell me how you became so wise?" he pleaded. "I would never presume to believe it was me you learned this from."

She laughed then too. "Of course I learned it from you. You're the only teacher I've ever had, Athelstan."

He kissed her forehead again, holding her closer and taking the deepest breath before he pushed it out. It was quiet a minute before he spoke against the side of her head. "Now can we please go back to the long house? You really do need to sleep."

Lilith laughed softly. "I will if you will."

He squeezed her just once before he leaned back to look at her. He didn't say anything for a minute, just looking at her. "You have grown so much since we came here," he marveled. "But you must try to promise that you won't grow up too fast. At least so I can keep up with you."

"I'll do my best, Athelstan."

He nodded, accepting what she said before he took her hand and pulled her to her feet. Once she was by his side, he started off out of the barn, and Lilith did nothing to stop him. For this one time, she let him lead her.

Lagertha was sitting up in front of the hearth fire of the long house when they made it back. She didn't look up to see them there until Lilith stepped ahead of Athelstan with her blanket and sat down next to her adoptive mother. Lagertha looked almost surprised to see them, but she welcomed Lilith all the same.

"It is so late," she said softly. "You should both be asleep."

Athelstan almost began to explain, but instead, he just sighed and sat on Lilith's other side.

It was quiet for several minutes before Lagertha sighed herself and rose with Lilith in her arms. "Come on," she said to them. "Tomorrow will be a busy day. Athelstan," she said and held out her hand to him.

Lilith looked up at him, almost pleading with him to come with her, and he bowed his head again, lifting his hand to Lagertha's slowly. They all left the hearth fire together then, retiring to the back rooms so they could all get a good night's sleep.

Lagertha bid them both to sleep in her bed with her, and once she had climbed beneath the furs, Athelstan helped Lilith onto the bed before he climbed in behind her. She didn't wait for Lagertha to sleep, turning to face Athelstan.

"Even if these people here don't ever accept you, you will always have a place here," she whispered to him. "With me and with Gyda and Bjorn. With Edda and Þórunn. I don't think anyone could teach them any of the things you've taught them. And I don't think they would ever want anyone else to at this point."

He sighed softly, scooting closer to her as he relaxed and lifting his hand to her face. "You're right," he said. "And deep down, I knew this. But it didn't help at the time."

"Well, then you just tell them what the Seer said," she commanded gently. "If they will not believe you or Lagertha, they should believe him. And he said you could not be sacrificed. It shouldn't matter why, and it's high time they accepted it. I'm not going anywhere, and neither are you. Hmm?"

A small smile crept across his face, and that made Lilith smile with him. "No," he said and leaned in to kiss her forehead again. "We're not going anywhere."

She accepted his answer easily, taking a deep breath and closing her eyes so she could sleep. It was strange being in Lagertha's bed like this, since she and Ragnar had been trying for another baby before going to Uppsala. But Lilith liked it this way. It was much better than when she had to sleep by herself at the monastery.

Falling asleep was easier now than it had been the last several nights, and Lilith had a new dream while she slept, but it wasn't a happy dream. She saw Lagertha crying in her dream, being taken away on a cart. She saw Bjorn running, but she didn't see where he was going. And she saw a new face, a woman's face with keen eyes and a knowing smile. She had never seen a face like this before, but it was coming.

She knew that much when she woke up.

Only three chapters left, and the next one is an important one. If you can guess what's coming, I might post the chapter a little early.

Thanks to everyone who's following and put this in their favorites, and thanks to all my reviewers, though I wish there were more of you!

Until next time!