Authors note: So the last few chapters are taking place about 20 months since they first brought the Winter Soldier to the Avenger's tower. He was taken home in early March and this is the following year mid-November. He has grown in his recovery and he and Steve in their relationship but of course I could not just skip ahead to the sexy happy ending because I wanted to bridge the gab with how the previous chapter ended… don't give up, we are close to the finish line dear readers!

Sergeant Barnes stood at the edge of the woods, smoking a cigarette as his left, metal hand smoothly flipped his knife, blue eyes scanning the horizon as he watched the approaching SHEILD stealth jets. He bit his bottom lip as he felt the desperate urge to run shoot up his spine like hot coals even as a phantom whisper that sounded like Peirce ordered him to stay put. Without a moment's thought his body reacted and he threw his knife with deadly precision at the approaching figure behind him. The blade bounced off the force field projected from Natasha's widow bite and she remained 10 feet away, shield up and eyebrow arched, stance ready for a defensive fight.

Bucky froze and blinked rapidly, before striating his fighting stance and turning away, tucking the loose stands that had fallen out of his ponytail back behind his ears. He clenched his metal fist and pinched the bridge of his nose with his flesh hand as he counted to 10. Bucky listened as she approached with deliberately loud steps, the frosted grass crunching beneath her in the new dawn of a chilly November day. He let out a calming breath and rolled his shoulders, looking back up just as the first stealth jet flew over them headed for the smoldering Hydra base where the other Avengers were securing the scene after a particularly intense battle that lasted longer than most.

Natasha looked up at the Jets and then at Bucky who had not met her eyes, gaze fixated on the arriving infantry of SHEILD agents who came to clean up whatever intel was left after another successful mission in the never ending battle to eradicate the remaining heads of Hydra.

"They tired to use the trigger words?" Natasha asked, already knowing the answer. Bucky swallowed and nodded once, still not meeting her face. She studied him for another moment and then heard the crackle of her com device as Steve's voice sounded out.

"Base secured and SHEILD agents on sight, anyone have eyes on Barnes?" The Captain's tone rang with authority and a hint of concern.

"Got him, meet back at the quinjet." Natasha answered turning off the com just as they heard Stark's sarcastic comment about being fine also and appreciating Steve's concern. The Widow rolled her eyes and Bucky let out a huff and shook his head.

"Clint said you got through it but got lost after?" Natasha questioned, aware that with over a year and a half of recovery behind him, Bucky had still only been cleared for active combat duty the past few months against Steve's wishes but with probationary approval from SHEILD's Psych department. The med team that had been working with the POW since the beginning of his psychological rehabilitation had voiced their concerns as well but ultimately stated that it should be Bucky's decision and that his self-agency had to be respected.

Even with clearance and approval from SHEILD and the other medical professionals Steve had still adamantly refused to allow Bucky to join the Avengers during active combat missions and the argument created a tension between the two Super Soldiers for several weeks up until Steve was seriously injured at one of the Hydra raids and the Sergeant argued that he had no right to prevent him from being in the field where at least he could watch his reckless friend's back. The argument was explosive and lasted over a week with Sergeant Barnes packing his bag and leaving as soon as Steve's injuries had completely healed. Bucky made the deceleration that he would live on his own and fight Hydra by himself, storming out of their apartment and taking off on his custom motorcycle, a birthday gift from Stark.

Steve was every bit as stubborn as the man he loved but it only took a few hours and six destroyed punching bags before he was chasing down his best guy to drag him back to the Avengers tower. The confrontation at 3 am on the side of a road in upstate New York escalated from yelling to throwing punches as Steve fought to restrain his friend until anger gave way to broken anguish with Bucky on his knees in tears begging Steve to let him fight by his side. The Captain relented but was still convinced Bucky needed more time healing and had been protectively concerned during each mission they had gone on together for almost three months.

The former Asset swallowed and nodded again as he turned away from Natasha and walked over toward where his knife had fallen after deflected by her force field. He picked it up and cleaned it off before sliding it back where he had pulled it from in his waist.

"Any idea why this one was harder?" The Widow asked with a neutral tone as she watched him shift his weight and deliberately avoid eye contact. He shrugged and took a few steps away toward the rendezvous point.

"Barnes,… " Natasha called and he stopped in his tracks as he sighed, waiting for her to catch up to him. He felt her eyes on him and swallowed again as she walked up and stood Infront of him, observing his discomfort and edge of anxiousness.

"Why was it harder this time to fight the trigger words?" She asked him point blank and Bucky looked away with a huff of irritation, fingers itching for another cigarette.

"Why?... So you can write it up in your report for Fury and the rest of SHEILD! Make sure you document anytime the Soldier takes over so the Docs can order me out of the field?" Bucky grumbled as he tried to walk past her but she grabbed his wrist and instantly he spun around with a snarl.

"Hey!,… I support you being out here with us! You know I told Fury that I thought you could handle active combat missions and Clint and I both agreed to monitor your performance and report back,… a deal you agreed to also… Don't act like we are against you Barnes." Natasha's voice started off a challenge and then went soft as he reluctantly dropped his eyes and nodded, looking briefly over his shoulder as Ironman sailed over head toward the SHIELD jets that had landed. Bucky swallowed and looked back down where Natasha's hand had slid from grabbing his metal wrist to holding his hand. He looked back up into her face that offered a soft smile as she tugged him toward the Queinjet.

"You haven't been triggered in over six months,… and the Doc said she is still repeating them every week with you during exposure therapy sessions." Natasha stated as she walked slowly with his hand in hers.

"So,…was it the words,… or was it the man who spoke them?" The Widow asked softly as they made their way through the woods back toward the plane that would take them home, far away from the smoldering wreckage of Hydra. Bucky swallowed and glanced at her for a moment before looking straight ahead.

"He wasn't the worst,… but,… yea,… hearing the words from him,… It definitely hit me hard." Bucky paused and bit his lip again as he shook his head, eyes squinted before he turned toward her.

"I killed him,… Didn't I?" His words were unsure and underlined with the fear of not being able to recall exactly what happened between when he was in the base with Clint until he was standing at the clearing smoking his cigarette. She nodded simply and squeezed his hand, eyes watching the anxious realization filter through his face.

"Shit!" Bucky muttered because he was trying to improve his lethal impulses and had been doing well thus far on the past several missions since getting approval for Active duty as an Avenger.

"Clint said you stabbed the Hydra officer in between his legs and cut up to his throat… You were cursing him in Russian and then went quiet once he was dead… Wouldn't respond to your name, just cleaned your blade and walked out." Natasha spoke without inflection, simply stating the facts as Bucky bit his lip again and started pulling at the collar of his navy blue combat jacket, eyes blinking as his expression grew more agitated.

"Shit,… Does,… Dose Steve know?" Bucky asked as he clenched and unclenched his fists again and again, buzzing with nervous energy.

"He's going to Barnes,… you already know that's the deal… You are cleared for combat as long as you are in control,… when you aren't, it's time for a break and a check in with the Docs." Natasha offered a soft smile and took his hand once more, pulling him in the direction of their teammates. They walked in silence, the Sergeant with his head down and eyes glazed over, consumed in thought that Natasha knew better then to disturb. As they made their way toward the Quinjet they saw the Captain talking with Clint and Sam, all three looking up with serious expressions as The Widow and former Hydra Asset approached. The Captain took a few steps in their direction, eyes scanning his teammates and watching Bucky for signs of potential violence. The look Steve was giving him made the Sergeant feel like he was a bomb about to go off and he glared resentfully toward the Captain, letting go of Natasha's hand and storming past him toward the on ramp of the Quinjet.

"Sergent!" Steve barked at Bucky who slowed down and let out a sigh as he clench his fists. He didn't turn around but heard Natasha's voice chime in.

"He's not a threat,… Just needs to be away from here." There was a moment of tense silence before the Captain relented.

"Alright, Sam and Clint,… you guys head back to New York with Sergeant Barnes, Nat and I will stay with Stark and debrief SHEILD. Alert the medical team about what happened." The Captain ordered and Bucky felt a boiling anger rise up from the humiliation of being treated like mental patient despite the truth of that label.

"You want them to strap me down on a gurney and dope me up for the flight back too?" Bucky snapped and Steve turned back around and stared hard at Bucky before turning his gaze toward Clint and Sam.

"It's at your discretion Barton, Wilson… Do you feel safe flying Back with Sergent Barnes given his current hostile behavior, or will sedation and restraints be necessary?" The question was directed at the others, but the communication was directly between Steve and Bucky, a battle between two stubborn men who both wanted the same thing, for the other to be safe and out of harms way.

"No,… We got this right Barnes?" Sam offered in the vacuum of tense silence created between the two super soldiers who glared at each other with contempt.

"Yea, It was a long night for all of us,… we just need to get back and unwind." Clint chimed in and stepped out of the way as Bucky turned away from Steve and stalked up into the jet, radiating anger and resentment. Sam watched Bucky move into the back and drop dramatically into a back seat, face locked in a furious grimace as he once again began spinning his knife. The VA counselor looked back as Steve who asked with his eyes if Sam was certain he and Barton were safe.

"We got this." Sam saluted and Clint nodded at Steve and Natasha both.

As the Jet took off Steve huffed an irritated sigh as he shook his head, Natasha right behind him.

"I told you all he wasn't ready!... He should not be out here with us!" The Captain spoke with a frustrated sigh and turned to face Natasha who crossed her arms.

"No offense Steve but that is not a decision you get to make for him,… he needs to be given control over his life." Natasha countered as Steve gritted his teeth.

"NAT, that is the point,… He is not in control,… He gutted that man like a fish,…behaving like a complete psychopath!" Steve whispered as he glanced around as if afraid SHEILD would hear him and take Bucky away to be locked up indefinitely.

"Steve,… He is only going to continue improving his resistance toward Hydra programming if he challenges himself… He can't live in the protective bubble of Avengers tower for the rest of his life, knowing we are fighting and he is unable to help." She tried to help him understand but he shook his head.

"He has made so much progress already Nat! And all it took for him to flip his switch was one Hydra Officer who actually knew how to pronounce the damn trigger words." Steve huffed with exasperation.

"But in the face of those words he fought back Steve,… He did not comply." The Widow pointed out and he shook his head.

"No, but he still reacted as the Winter Soldier and not As Sergeant Barnes… He didn't even respond to his own name!" Steve shook his head again as he removed his helmet and took a deep breath before looking back up. "Bucky hasn't dissociated like that in months Nat! He's come so far,… I won't let him regress back into that madness, … I can't!" Steve's anger was tempered by his more genuine feelings of love and the need to protect his best friend's delicate grasp on sanity and self-identity.

"Steve,… stop assuming that you have any control over his mental health and just accept him at where ever he is. Right now, he needs support not judgment on how he reacted when faced with a man who tried to enslave him." Natasha chastised.

"Nat he should never be faced with that possibility. He is too stubborn for his own good and is too comfortable with lethal violence. I am trying to help him remember he is more then just a weapon but his pride is pushing him to constantly try to prove himself." Steve vented and Natasha countered.

"He wants redemption Steve, and yes, maybe he is trying to prove himself! With every mission he is proving that now he can choose when and how he uses his skills instead of being forced to comply. Don't take that away from him Cap. Don't treat him like he is damaged or defective because that is going to make him feel even more vulnerable and less confident in his ability to be a man instead of an Asset. He is a fighter,…. Let him fight!" The Widow stated with a degree of her own frustration. She walked away to go address Maria Hill as Steve was left exasperated and on edge, running his hands through his sweaty golden hair.

…

The plane ride was quiet and thick with tension and despite Bucky making it clear he wanted to be left alone he was not so lucky. Sam came into the back of the plane and sat down leaning back as he waited for Bucky's pouting expression to acknowledge him. After another few moments of silence and no eye contact Sam sighed and spoke.

"Do you know why you killed that man Sergeant Barnes?" Sam asked with the same matter of fact tone Natasha often used. Bucky didn't look at him and kept flipping his knife. He offered a shrug and then mumbled an answer.

"Hydra scum,… deserved to die." Bucky swallowed as he blinked, wanting desperately for Sam to leave him alone and not ask anything else about the Hydra Officer who's familiar face and oily voice sent sickening shivers through his skin and made his stomach cramp.

"I have no doubt that the guy was an asshole,… but, if you recall the objective of these missions is to capture Hydra personal alive so we can gain more intel. Most of the Hydra officers up to this point have either escaped, or committed suicide with those damn Cyanide pills. This one could have given us some insight into which international banking institutions are directly connected to Hydra,… He was their chef finical advisor for Eur-Asia." Sam sighed as he watched Bucky closely.

The Sergeant swallowed as he thought about the Hydra Officer and remembered vague details about Human trafficking and the sex trade in Eastern Europe and Southeast Asia. Bucky swallowed again ignoring the nausea and focused on his blade, the metal shinning in his vision, a distraction from the echos of memory he didn't want to think about.

"He had no real power at Hydra,… Son of a Bitch was just well connected and knew how to laundered money from Sex trafficking through private charter boat companies that transported their cargo internationally as pleasure cruises for other rich perverts. He just wanted to party and flaunt his wealth,… didn't give a rats ass about Hydra's ideology. The title was just superficial, feeding his ego while he provided entertainment for Hydra's wealthy investors." Bucky's voice was dark and cynical, eyes fixed on the spinning blade in his metal hand. "Stark could easily track his overseas accounts and gain access to where funds are being transferred to and what organizations are receiving his charitable donations." Bucky spoke with a flat affect as he continued to watch his blade flip through his hand, face a mask of deliberate calm.

"So he was a rich Pervert,… is that why you stabbed him in the genitals Sergeant?" Sam asked with a calm relaxed tone. Bucky shrugged again casually but then closed his eyes, jaw locked as he winced from another flash of memory that tore through him, breaking into a cold sweat as he swallowed back the bile in his throat. He took in a shuddered breath as he opened his eyes and looked down at the now still knife that was clutched tight in his metal grip. His gaze was glossed over as he stared at the razor edge of his favorite knife and felt a coldness spread over him that he recognized as the Winter Soldier programing. He shut his eyes hard and shook his head as he grit his teeth, flesh hand tapping each finger on the armrest as he counted silently, lips moving. It took a few deep breaths before he felt the coldness drain away and when he opened eyes once more he looked up at Sam who was sitting very still, also looking at the knife held expertly in the Soldier's weaponized hand. From the cock pit Clint had emerged, keeping his distance but watching carefully. Bucky looked at both men and then blinked rapidly before tucking the knife away, forcing himself to sit still, both hands in fists on top of his thighs as he stared hard at the ground, still avoiding their watchful gaze.

"You should probably speak with Dr. McKenzie when we get back Sergeant…" Sam stated simply and Bucky huffed a bitter laugh as he folded his arms over his stomach that was now feeling even worse, the familiar twist of shame cutting open the wounds he tried to keep hidden and bandaged. Sam sat forward slightly but Bucky kept his head down and wouldn't meet his friend's eyes. "You don't have to tell us why you killed him like that, but you do need to talk about it with the Docs." The Falcon spoke with a low, calm voice. He watched Bucky intently until the Sergeant reluctantly nodded, still avoiding their eyes.

End note: Almost at the end but a bit more to come and smut at the end of this never ending angst fest I swear!