Chapter 22 – Deeper
"Damn it, stupid piece of shit!" I shouted at my laptop that was freezing yet again.
The fucking thing had crashed the week before, and I had already spent my allotted savings on having it supposedly fixed. Now, thanks to the inadequate piece of junk, I was behind in my online course. It was absolutely maddening.
I had yet to actually meet my professor in person, but we had been exchanging occasional emails about DID. Despite Bella telling me it was okay to be in contact with a professional regarding her condition, I was still slightly hesitant about the entire thing because I knew she really wasn't comfortable with it just yet. So, for the most part, we mainly kept our emails vague and I made sure to never let my questions sound too personal. Instead of using Bella's name, or speaking about something I witnessed or experienced personally, I would switch all of my comments and questions to hypothetically speaking.
Professor Charlotte Randall had been nothing but open minded and compassionate with all of our exchanges thus far, but I was two assignments behind in her online course. As understanding as she was being, I knew she needed those done asap or she wouldn't have a choice but dropping me from the program.
"Fuck!"
"Wow, good thing Bree's not here to witness that little outburst," Rosalie said bitterly as she came out of her room to pester me.
"Please don't mess with me right now," I whimpered. I was already on edge and I certainly didn't want to explode on Rose only to give her more ammunition to be the bitch she so often was.
"Relax; I can tell you're stressed, so I won't make it worse for you."
"Really?" I asked shocked. "Why not?"
"Oh, shut up! What the hell is wrong with that thing anyway?" she questioned, pointing at my computer.
"If I knew, it would be fixed already," I said as nicely as possible given the mood I was in.
"Do you want me to look at it?" she offered.
"No offense or anything, but I actually took a tech class in college. If I can't figure it out, I doubt you can."
"I may surprise you," she said while extending her arms towards me, asking for the laptop.
I banged on the keyboard one more time, and then said – "What the hell. Have at it."
She took it from me and made herself comfortable on the couch. I figured it was hopeless, so I grabbed the TV remote and began channel surfing. Not even five minutes later, I was shocked when Rosalie put the fixed computer back on my lap.
"How they hell did you do that?"
"Emma was not only a beast in the ring, she was also a geek at heart. She taught me some cool tricks."
"You said she 'was'?" I questioned, confused by her past tense usage.
Rose rolled her eyes. "Sorry, she is a great MMA fighter and a geek in her spare time. I just said was because… I guess because I haven't seen her in a long time, so…" She let her words trail off.
"Why did you guys break up?" I questioned carefully, knowing she would probably just snap at me in return, but I couldn't help but ask regardless.
"This thing," she said while gesturing at her head. "It's not something people can usually wrap their minds around," she told me, unexpectedly opening up. "Everything was great at first, but when she found out the truth about me… how I'm not even a real person, she just… couldn't handle it."
"But you are a real person," I told her gently.
She huffed. "You know what I mean. I'm just a protection mechanism for someone else. I'm sure if I was just Bella, without DID, we'd still be together. Maybe even married by now."
"You really did love her," I murmured, seeing the hurt in her eyes that she was so desperately trying to hide.
"She was the first person… well, the only person, that ever truly saw me. She liked me for me – except, I guess she didn't know the real me."
"She knew the real you, otherwise you wouldn't have been so in love with her; she just probably couldn't understand the technicality of you," I told her supportively.
"I suppose you're right. Which is a major reason why I've had such a hard time with you," she said, taking me aback.
"Why?"
"This is far from normal. A relationship with one of us, even Bella, just isn't possible… and yet, you're still here. I don't think I'll ever understand it. A part of me will always be slightly suspicious that you have some kind of ulterior motive."
I laughed once. "What kind of motive could I possibly have?"
"I don't know, but everyone who has ever tried to get close to any of us who knew the truth, had something to gain by it. Except Charlie, that is."
"And yet, you still don't like the guy," I pointed out.
"He tries too hard to be something he's not."
"Which is?"
"My father," she replied bluntly.
"He is your father," I argued.
"No, he is Bella's father, but he's lucky she even allows him that. Genetics and all that scientific shit aside, the man doesn't deserve the title of anyone's father. Where the hell was he when…."
"When?" I prompted, hoping she'd continue, but instead she redirected.
"It doesn't matter. I get he tries to make up for everything, but it's too late for me. I'll never forgive him, and I'll never fully trust you. It's just the way it is."
"Rosalie… I promise you, I'm only here because I love Bella. I don't have an ulterior motive. Besides, what on earth would it be if I did? What could I possibly get out of our relationship other than just love and companionship? It's not like Bella is rich or I have any interest in her bookstore. I mean, seriously?"
"No one has only pure intentions. There is always something, and if I knew what it was with you, I would have exposed it a long time ago."
"I'm sorry," I told her gently.
"Oh, so there is something!" she nearly shouted, misconstruing my words.
"No. What I'm sorry for, is that you were so hurt before that you've become this cynical. But I will promise you this – if I do nothing else for you, Rosalie, someday I will prove your lack of faith in me isn't irrevocable. I swear, someday I'll earn your unyielding trust."
I thought she was going to respond with some witty snide comeback, but she surprised me by nodding. "For Bella's sake, I sure as hell hope so."
Something strange happened after that conversation; somehow, someway, by some miracle, Rosalie started being cordial. At times when she was out, it almost seemed like we were becoming more than just roommates who pretended the other person wasn't there. We actually started talking more, and if I didn't know any better, I'd actually think we were beginning to become friends.
"What are you watching?" she asked one evening after work.
"Nothing. Want to look for something?" I asked, offering her the remote.
She began flicking through the channels, but because neither of us could find anything, we settled on the annual Miss America contest. The final round was between Miss California and Miss Tennessee; both, of which, were very blonde and very well endowed.
"Damn, watching these chicks makes me feel bad about myself," Rose commented.
"Why? They have nothing on you," I said honestly.
"Pfft! I get you're all in love with my alter-ego and all, but you can't even compare our physical body to theirs. Those ladies are gorgeous," Rose disagreed.
"Good looks are only a matter of opinion. I happen to prefer brunettes," I told her sincerely.
"And small breasts? Please. All men like big boobs, and wide hips, and full lips, and everything else those chicks have that I don't."
"Not all men, because I certainly don't prefer anything about them over you… looks wise, of course."
"You're telling me that if one of those women were standing naked in front of you, and asking you to fuck them, you wouldn't do it?"
"No."
She rolled her eyes. "You don't have to give me that faithful boyfriend shit; I'm talking about if you were single."
"Nope. Not my type," I reiterated. "I mean, don't get me wrong, if we got to know each other and she had a great personality, I think attraction can grow, but I wouldn't go for a girl like that for just casual emotionless sex."
"You're nuts. Most guys just looking for a hookup would fuck anything with a vagina, and they'd thank their lucky stars if they got anywhere near a chick like one of them."
"Maybe desperate guys. Most of the single guys I know have certain types they prefer."
"Having breasts and a vagina is a type," she argued.
"So, as a lesbian, that's all you care about when it comes to women you want to fuck?" I countered. "Breasts and a vagina?"
"No. For the most part, female sexuality is different."
"How so?"
"We aren't lust driven."
I laughed. "That's funny, I thought you knew Alice."
She shook her head in disgust. "Okay, well I should say most women aren't lust driven. At least not as much as men."
"I'll have you know, back in my single days, there were more horny women in those clubs looking for hookups than men. And who are the ones that come into your store to buy erotica novels? I'll give you a hint, it's not typically men."
"Whatever. The women I've known… other than Alice, weren't like that."
"So, you wouldn't fuck a chick like that if she was standing in front of you, begging for it?" I turned her prior question on her.
"No."
"No, because that's not your type?" I asked with a smile and wiggling eyebrows, proud of myself for proving my point.
"I don't have a type, but more importantly, I don't fuck random strangers. I think that's gross and tacky."
"One-night-stands aren't for everyone, but there are people who aren't exactly looking for a relationship. Casual hookups can certainly help with satiating those desires that don't go away just because someone is choosing to be single. I mean, surely you can understand that."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Hey, I'm not trying to offend you; I just mean that you're single, right? It's been a while since you were with Emma, so don't you have those desires?"
"No," she scowled at me, but she quickly let it fade into a serious expression. "To be honest, I've never actually had unprovoked sexual desires before," she admitted unexpectedly.
"I'm not sure what you mean by that," I said honestly.
She shrugged. "I've never really been attracted to a stranger at all before. I mean, I can tell when a woman is beautiful, but I have zero lustful thoughts for myself."
"Like, at all?"
She shook her head no. "Never. I'm an alter, Edward. My very reason for existing is to protect Bella, not to have sex. Let's just say that if I was a robot, sex wouldn't be in my programing."
"But Alice is all about sex," I countered.
"That's Alice. That was never me. Alice's job was always taking over for Bella in those types of situations. She has the "programming", so to speak, for socializing and sex. Whenever Bella couldn't handle certain things like that but still had the physical desire for it, Alice would fulfill that need."
"So what's Tanya's deal then? She's been trying to sleep with me since practically our first conversation."
"I guess comparing us to robots isn't right; we're more like AI," she explained.
"Artificial intelligence?" I asked confused.
"Yeah. We are invented and programmed for a certain purpose, but that doesn't mean we can't adapt and grow. Tanya is the teenager Bella didn't get to be. And part of being a teenager, is exploring your sexuality. She may not have been quite ready for sex before, but that doesn't mean she won't be eventually."
"And you," I said, bringing it back to her. "You were the protector, and yet, you adapted into something else when you fell in love with Emma."
"It should have never happened. I went to that MMA studio to just… blow off some steam," she said quietly. "I was always so angry all the time, so I figured if I could actually get into a ring and punch someone, it would help me deal with all my pent up aggression."
"That's actually good thinking," I told her.
"One of the few useful tools one our early therapists taught me," she agreed. "Anyway, with Forks being what it is, it didn't have a decent martial arts studio in town, so I went to Port Angeles. When I first met Emma, I really didn't think much of her. Like I said, I never had an attraction to anyone before, so it wasn't an instant thing. But she became my trainer, and the more we worked-out together, the more I felt like I was becoming… a real person almost. It was like she truly saw me, and when she kissed me the first time, I was shocked, but it felt good. To feel that feeling for myself. To have someone kiss me. Not someone kissing Bella or Alice, but me. It was stupid. I should have known I couldn't have anything like that for myself, but I soon became almost addicted to the feeling."
"Sex addition is a real thing," I said supportively.
"No," she shoed away my words like they smelled bad. "I wasn't addicted to sex. It was an addiction to… human contact maybe. That feeling of not being alone. Of being truly wanted. I suppose even a fraction of a person like me needed that."
"Everyone deserves that," I agreed with her.
"Yeah, well it wasn't meant to be for me. That's not my purpose anyway, so..."
We were both quiet as we let it all sink in. Then a thought occurred to me, and instead of dismissing it or keeping it to myself like I probably should have, I opened my big fat stupid mouth. "So, you're not actually a lesbian?"
The moment I said it, I regretted it. She was opening up to me, and the last thing I wanted to do was make her wish she hadn't. Strangely enough, however, Rosalie didn't seem offended.
"I'm not anything," she said emotionlessly. "I fell in love. I shouldn't have. It was a big fucking mistake, and I hope for all of our sakes Bella isn't making the same mistake with you."
"She's not," I said confidently, but we both knew it didn't matter how many times I said those words, she wouldn't believe me. At least not now. I had to keep proving myself over and over again; and that was okay. I wasn't lying before when I told her I would figure out a way to convince her. Someday Rose would believe me; I didn't have a doubt. I was just glad she wasn't so hateful towards me anymore.
…
After those tough conversations, Rosalie and I didn't just resemble something close to friends, we were friends, and I found myself actually looking forward to hanging with her. Of course, she wasn't free of her frequent bad moods, but I figured out how to just roll with them and not take anything she said or did personally. We just worked better that way. She'd cuss me out about something, and I'd just smile and tell her she looked beautiful. After subsequently flipping me off, she would usually smile back at me despite herself, and call me an idiot, but just with less hostility.
Bella's alters were all so different, but as more and more time passed, they all gained one big thing in common – me. Not only was I Bella's boyfriend, but both Alice and Tanya considered me their boyfriend as well. Bree told me I was her best friend and she liked me even more than Irina, and now that Rosalie and I were chummy, everything was definitely looking up. It was more than Bella and I ever thought we could accomplish together, and I was grateful for every minute of all of them.
As the weeks turned into months, and the icy winter began to melt into spring, I definitely noticed an evolution in all of them. Bella was more content, Alice was becoming calmer, Bree more disciplined, Rose less moody, and Tanya was maturing to the point where she let me know she was more than ready to take our relationship to the next step.
I wasn't sure what the alters would think about the idea of Tanya and I becoming intimate, but they all responded positively, and Alice even helped me plan the perfect night to make it extra special for her…
"I can't believe this is actually happening," Tanya said as she looked around the limo.
"Well, you deserve it," I assured her. "Have I told you yet how beautiful you look?"
She smiled and blushed the most adorable shade of pink. "Only three or four times."
"Then I'm seriously slacking. You look beautiful, and I love you, and you look beautiful, and I love you…" I repeated over and over as I kissed my way down her neck. She squirmed with delight and giggled, until she finally caught my lips and we were in full make-out mode.
We kissed like that until the limo finally reached its destination. Before the driver could let us out, Tanya got out her little mirror to check her makeup and reapply her lipstick. I exited the vehicle first, and took her hand to help her out. Her extra poofy gown was huge, so I had to be careful not to step on it as she steadied herself on her heels.
"You ready?"
"I couldn't possibly be more ready," she affirmed excitedly.
As we entered the hotel ballroom, Tanya was practically flying. Her enthusiasm was palpable, and when we danced on the crowded floor, she was absolutely glowing.
Every year the Hilton in Port Angeles put on a "Second Chance Prom" for adults who missed their prom or just wanted to relive it. The tickets cost an arm and a leg, but seeing the look on her face was absolutely priceless.
We danced and dined, and when she felt fulfilled by the ultimate high school celebratory experience, we checked into a room and she finally got her wish. It was sweet and tender, and everything that a teenager's first experience with sex should be. I was so incredibly glad that we waited until that special moment.
…
Despite feeling like we were all in some weird polyamory relationship, everyone seemed genuinely happy with their allotted time. It was almost going too smoothly, and because of that, Bella was becoming increasingly anxious.
"You don't understand; my life isn't calm and easy. Something is going to go wrong," Bella said on one particularly beautiful early summer day. We were strolling along the beach and watching the seabirds diving into the breakers. It was absolutely serene, and I saw no reason for her concerns, especially at that moment.
"Babe, you need to relax. Let yourself be happy. I know it's a foreign feeling for you, but if you keep looking for trouble, you're bound to create some where there wasn't any otherwise," I told her.
She laughed once. "Is that something the psyche professor told you?"
"No, I think I read that on one of those inspirational posts on Facebook," I admitted sheepishly.
"Nice," she deadpanned.
"I thought so," I said while giving her my most adorable smirk.
She smiled back at me – because how could she not? And then she thankfully chose to let go whatever superstition she was clinging to and just enjoy the walk.
However, like some ominous storm cloud looming in the distance, Bella's fears of darkness approaching continued to plague our otherwise blue skies. She tried to ignore the feeling, but it wasn't long before we found out just how right she actually was. All too soon the rain began to fall once again, and when it rained, it fucking poured so hard that we were in serious danger of drowning….