Ch. 22: Making History

"Are you going to do this every time?" Tsunade said, scowling at the back of Hokage's chair, which faced the window that looked out on the Hokage Mountain.

As we dejectedly filed into the office, Kakashi said, "The good news is that we finally managed to go a whole mission without killing anyone."

Tsunade turned towards us, leaning her hip against the right corner of the Hokage's desk. "You were on an assassination mission."

"That would be the bad news. The other good news is that we found several Sound ninja skulking around dressed like Konoha civilians. So we beat them up and gave them to the Anbu. We hope that makes up for our failure."

We waited in silence for a minute. As each second passed, we nervously imagined the Third's building rage. A mountain of killer intent would have been less intimidating.

Kakashi drew a scroll from his back. "I also stole the Tsuchigumo's clan jutsu with my Sharingan. Then I wrote it down in someone else's handwriting."

"Old man, you're not even there, are you?"—Naruto glared at the back of the chair—"He's doing that thing again where he turns the chair around and leaves for lunch."

Tsunade gave a long-suffering sigh. "Actually, we have a new, equally dramatic Hokage."

The chair spun around, and Orochimaru greeted us with a brilliant smile. "Hello!"

"Congratulations, Hokage-sama," we all chanted in unison.

Orochimaru turned to Tsunade with a giggle. "See? They reacted the exact same way as all the others. It's freaking me out, but I love it. I'm starting to understand why Sensei couldn't give this up."

Tsunade crossed her arms. "Orochimaru."

Orochimaru raised his hands in surrender. "I didn't say I couldn't. I'm fixing it."

"Fixing what?" Naruto said.

"Not you. You're fine because of"—Orochimaru twirled his hand in a circle—"nepotism, probably."

Sakura struggled to keep her facial expressions under control and suppress her killing intent. "Sir, if it isn't classified, could you tell us how the Third died?"

"Terrible tragedy," Orochimaru said with a dreamy smile, smoothing down his new robes. "He had a heart attack in the middle of surgery and was unable to continue operating on himself."

"He was operating…on himself…alone?" Sakura said.

Orochimaru said, "No, of course, not. He brought in a renowned medical ninja to assist. Unfortunately, she is terrified of blood and, at the time of the incident, was busy cowering in the corner while sobbing hysterically."

Tsunade growled.

Orochimaru hissed at her. "Fine. Cowering in the corner in a very dignified and stoic manner. Better?"

Tsunade smirked. "Afterwards, we realized how few people were qualified for the position. I refused, a few senior ninja died of natural causes, and we're still looking for Jiraiya. The only other option was…"

"Me!" Orochimaru chirped, clapping his hands together with childish joy.

Tsunade chuckled, a victorious gleam in her eyes. "Him."

Orochimaru rubbed his hands together in a diabolical and stereotypically Hokage-like manner. "I have an important new mission for your team. You're going to form a jutsu-stealing squad…Your job is to pick as many fights as possible and then steal their jutsu with your Sharingan."

Kakashi stroked his mask. "I'm really good at picking fights."

"Splendid! I figured you could start in Stone and—"

Tsunade leaned over to whisper in Orochimaru's ear.

Orochimaru's yellow eyes widened. "What?! Oh. I see. So it's not that nobody's ever thought of a jutsu-stealing squad, we just can't…Right."

Orochimaru sheepishly began playing with the desk's drawers. "New plan. You keep doing what you're doing."

"Yes, Hokage-sama," we said.

"Just one quick question. What are you doing?" Orochimaru said as he began pulling scrolls from the drawer.

"Lately, we've been failing our missions due to the Akatsuki," I said flatly.

"Bunch of eccentrics. I joined them for a time, during my anarchist phase"—the new Hokage opened a second drawer—"Dear kami, this desk is stuffed with ninja corpses."

Tsunade spoke coolly, her mouth flat. "Orochimaru."

"It's like sensei wasn't even using them!"

"We were discussing Team Seven's run-ins with a terrorist organization," she said.

"The Akatsuki is being dealt with," Orochimaru said, hugging an armful of scrolls to his chest. "I just sent my best spy to infiltrate them."

Kabuto POV

"…which is an insane amount of cabinet space. Nobody here cooks, but the old lady who used to own this place had like twenty servants," Kisame said as he herded the newest Akatsuki member through a tour of their headquarters.

The next room had pristine white carpets, walls crawling with cherry blossom branches, and a wide, low table. "This is the sitting room. We don't sit much around here, but Sasori likes it for his tea parties."

"Tea parties?"

"With his puppets. It's a hobby of his," Kisame said. "You've got to have a hobby, best way to keep your spirits up. Do you have a hobby?"

"I take the chuunin exams a lot," Kabuto said hesitantly.

"I'm not sure if that really counts as a hobby. That's ninja stuff. A hobby has to be different from your work. For instance, Tobi's picked up pottery. Hidan found religion…not the one we wanted him to, but it gives him comfort. Itachi writes home a lot, which is nice. Most of us don't have anybody to write to."

Kabuto stared at a painting of a tree. Tree. Leaf. Home. Loyalty. He shook his head slightly, turning a sheepish smile towards Kisame. "Sorry. I got distracted. What do you do?"

Kisame rifled around in his pocket, pulling out an origami crane about the size of a chopped-out eye. "I make these little paper cranes. They say that, if you make a thousand of them, you get a wish. Itachi thinks it's some sort of plot, so he sets them on fire. He doesn't think we know, but we know."

"I make ninja info cards," Kabuto said as they walked down the hallway to the final room of the tour.

"That's neat. Do you trade them or something?"

"No. I keep them, so I can't forget," Kabuto said, lightly touching the deck in his pocket for reassurance.

Kisame smiled his friendly, carnivorous grin. "And we finish our tour in what was previously the formal dining hall, but is now the meeting room. Hi, everybody!"

The others returned the greeting as Kisame sat at the head of the table and steered Kabuto into the seat at his left hand. The gilled man said, "Now, this is a very important meeting because Akatsuki has recently gained three new members."

"Woo! Woo! Woo!" Fuu chanted.

"Yeah!" Tobi said.

"You're giving me a goddamned headache," Hidan grumbled.

"Now, as most of you already know, the Akatsuki operates on the buddy system," Kisame said.

"This is not what I was expecting when I signed up," Utakada said.

"Buddies are very important. Can someone tell me why?" Kisame looked between the Akatsuki's cloaked members expectantly

Hidan jabbed a kunai at Kakuzu's throat. "Because we're all fucking insane."

Kakuzu growled, batting away the attack. He said, "When one member is having a less lucid moment, the other can mitigate the damage and hopefully save us money."

"Close enough," Kisame said. "You've gotta look out for your buddy. That's what buddies do. Today, all of our new members will be assigned a buddy."

"Joy," Utakada said.

"First, let's all introduce ourselves and state one fun fact," Kisame said, "starting with my buddy."

Itachi observed Kisame darkly as his partner slapped a hand on his shoulder. "I am Itachi Uchiha. I murdered my entire clan."

"Okay, let's have slightly less fun with that fact," Kisame said.

The next member snorted. "I am Utakada, and I hold the slug demon."

"Kakuzu. I like money."

"Hidan. I worship the one true god, and none of you assholes should forget it."

Tobi bounced in his seat. "Tobi is a Tobi, and the wonderful thing about Tobi is that he's the only one."

"I'm Fuu, and I'm going to be best friends with all of you," Fuu said, an unsettling gleam in her eyes.

Kabuto scribbled all the names hurriedly onto blank cards as Sasori, then Deidara introduced themselves. There were far too many ninja here to remember.

"New guy," the blond…Deidara said. "Who are you?"

"I am a loyal Konoha ninja," Kabuto answered automatically, glancing up from his cards.

Kakuzu said, "Ah. Another one of those."

Deidara snickered. "He and Itachi would get along great, yeah."

"Woah there," Kisame said. "Itachi is not yet ready to be senior partner."

Itachi glared at the table. "I resent that statement, but my mother always told me that, if I didn't have anything nice to say, I should say nothing."

Kisame said, "Uh, Itachi. You might think you're using your inside-of-your-brain voice right now, but you're actually using your outside-of-your-head voice."

Itachi stared at him emotionlessly, barring the slight smile playing at the corner of his lips. "Hn."

"I'll take the boy," Sasori said. "He's one of my spies. Or he was one of my spies. I'm clearly not the only one pulling his strings."

"Great. So Kabuto goes with Sasori," Kisame said, tracing connections in the air with his fingertip. "That means that Deidara will be buddies with Utakada."

"Senior partner, hell yeah!" Deidara said.

"And I do believe that Fuu and Tobi are already buddies in every other sense. So we might as well make it official," Kisame said.

As the two childlike ninja high-fived, Hidan snapped, "I'm still junior partner, but that retard gets to be in charge?"

"Now, now, Hidan," Kisame said. "Tobi was a founding member of the Akatsuki. I'm sure he'll do a wonderful job with Fuu."

"We're gonna play every game and kidnap all the sad ninja. Nehhhhh." Tobi would probably be pulling down his eyelid and sticking out his tongue, if it weren't for the mask in the way.

"I will wear your fucking skin," Hidan hissed.

Kisame held up a hand in warning. "Now, now. That sort of thing is why Orochimaru left."

Deidara grinned across the table at Itachi, his voice falling to a throaty hiss. "I don't know whyyyy you're so upset, yeah. I just want to crawl inside you."

"That experience was deeply disturbing," Sasori said.

"Konoha ninja," Kakuzu pronounced dully.

"Hn."

Tobi sighed, and his voice sounded like he was pouting. "Don't be angry, Itachi-chan. Usually Konoha ninja are the best ninja, but when they're crazy, they're crazy."

Kakuzu watched as Tobi spun his fingers over his ears, giggling. "Tobi, aren't you a Konoha ninja?"

Tobi abruptly stopped the motion, a slight edge to his childish voice. "Tobi forgets."

Not much changed when Orochimaru became the Sixth Hokage…except history; that changed a lot.

For instance, the Third never took office as a thirteen-year-old and didn't train an entire genin team while simultaneously running the village.

"How would that even work?!" Orochimaru had said during a village meeting. "You don't have that much free time as a Hokage. I know. I am neglecting so many duties just by being here today."

He then explained that there was a first Third Hokage, before the Third, who everyone forgot about. After a lot of careful thought, we all realized that he was right. That particular Hokage was just incredibly boring and unmemorable.

In any case, the nose on the Hokage Mountain soon had a second eye. The new eye, not yet smoothed with age, squinted down at us through the Hokage's office window as we waited patiently for Orochimaru to turn his chair around.

Tsunade looked over paperwork on a desk angled beside his. She set a scroll on the corner of Orochimaru's desk, then shoved another onto a pile of papers on the floor with a disgusted grunt. With a seal, she set them all on fire.

Naruto kicked a foot against the floor. "So, do you guys think we have another Hokage, or—"

"Peekaboo!" Orochimaru sang as he twirled his chair towards us. He was holding a small baby with dark, long-lashed eyes. "Meet Yuki-chan."

"Aww," Sakura said. "How cute!"

"I know. She even does tricks."

Orochimaru tickled Yuki's sides. The little girl's face scrunched up, and she squirmed away. Suddenly, the Hokage's hands were frozen in blocks of ice.

He held up the two blocks of ice. "She hates being tickled. It's absolutely adorable."

"How old is she?" Sakura asked.

Orochimaru tapped his iced hands thoughtfully against the desk. "Either three months or two days, depending on your point of view."

Sakura's right hand suddenly snapped into a fist. She painstakingly stretched one finger free, then another.

Orochimaru mused, "It's a lot like Tsunade. Either she's thirty-five, or—"

Tsunade glanced slowly from Orochimaru to the mound of ash darkening the floor. "I could set you on fire, too."

"—or she's twenty-five. It's a mystery. Also, a joke. The baby is clearly not two days old. "

"Is she"—I paused—"yours?"

"In a proprietary sense."

"Orochimaru," Tsunade said coolly, flinging another paper onto the ash.

The Hokage continued, "She has no parents, but I consider all Konoha citizens to be my children. I'm keeping her for the moment, but she'll soon have to go to an orphanage."

"What's an orphanage?" Naruto said.

Orochimaru blinked, attempting to flick his hair behind his ear with a mitten of ice still coating his hand. "Where we send the little orphans?"

"Oh. You mean the Academy," Naruto said.

"I…"—Orochimaru opened a drawer of his desk with an elbow, yanked out a file, and rifled through it—"Yes. I mean the Academy. Could one of the Anbu skulking about stop skulking for a moment?"

The Anbu who wore an owl mask appeared in front of the Hokage's desk. "Sir."

"I need you to tell the chuunin on duty to contact the Academy about hiring some new workers. There'll be a dozen new children coming in a week or two, depending on when the others are ready, and I don't want the Academy to be understaffed."

A fwooshing sound signaled Owl's departure and, almost immediately afterwards, arrival. "The message has been delivered."

Orochimaru laid his chin against an ice-encased hand. "That was fast."

"It was fast, sir, but that doesn't mean I'm lying," Owl said.

"No. Uh, no, I didn't think…Very good, Owl," Orochimaru said with bizarre nervousness, considering he could easily have us all beheaded within twenty seconds. He gazed thoughtfully towards the ceiling corner where the Anbu had swiftly concealed himself.

"So, do we have a mission?" Naruto asked.

"Naruto," Sakura hissed.

"What? The real me is off eating ramen and sleeping, and I'm just standing here wishing I could do that stuff."

Sakura sharply elbowed him, and he poofed out of existence. "Sorry about him, Hokage-sama."

A Naruto leapt through the closed window, shattering the glass. The glass shards poofed into other Narutos. As they scampered away, the clone said, "Yeah, me too. That one was a loose cannon. He had to be popped."

"Too right, boss," another Naruto said as he crouched down and henged into a plant.

Orochimaru bounced Yuki on his lap. "No, it was a reasonable question. You see, I've been thinking about the Akatsuki problem. The mission reports I've received from my spy—and also Itachi Uchiha, which was a nice surprise—are garbled and contradicting. I can't tell if the enemy is interfering with them or if my agents have finally gone too deep undercover. Fortunately, we now have some intelligence on the location where they're keeping the latest jinchuriki. It's a whole lot snazzier than our old place. I know I shouldn't be jealous, but…"

Tsunade set another small stack of paperwork on fire.

"Oh, enough of that," Orochimaru grumbled. "You're as bad as the baby."

Tsunade leaned over to ruffle Yuki's hair, meeting the Hokage's eyes challengingly. "I could say the same."

Orochimaru smirked at her, then turned to us. "My spymaster recently returned from his long-term training trip. When you go to hunt down the Akatsuki and kidnap their jinchuriki, he will lead you."

The Hokage stared at us for a long moment, then glared at the door. "Seriously, Jiraiya? That was obviously your cue."

"Your office is soundproof, Hokage-sama," an Anbu said as his upper body melted out of the walls.

"Tsunade, you heard us plan this," Orochimaru said. "Did you know this would happen?"

Tsunade merely flicked a bang out of her eyes, humming contentedly as she sorted paperwork.

"Should we send him in, sir?" the Anbu asked.

Orochimaru huffed, resting his chin petulantly atop the infant's head. "Yes, sure. Go ahead."

A ninja thrumming with power, his white hair bristling down his back, strode in. "What happened to the cue?"

Orochimaru smacked his hands against his desk, cracking open the ice encasing them. "Tsunade is mean."

Jiraiya snorted. "I could've told you that forty years ago."

"You're mean, too," Orochimaru said, stroking Yuki's hair, "just like sensei. Why am I the only one who's nice?"

Jiraiya laughed. "How'd you get that kid again?"

Orochimaru pouted. "I said 'nice,' not morally flawless."

Tsunade looked up from her paperwork. A light smile played across her usually dour face, but her voice remained flat. "Team Seven, meet Jiraiya. You may already know him as the Third Sannin, the Toad Sage—"

"That handsome devil," Jiraiya said with a wink towards Sakura. The girl broiled with killer intent, which warred with the intent radiating off Tsunade.

"—The Great Pervert, the Konoha Bath Peeper, or That Creep Who Writes Icha Icha Paradise."

"Kakashi is a big fan of yours," Naruto said.

I'm not sure if you can really be considered a "big fan" of an author when you've only read one of their books. Kakashi was always rereading the same one over and over again.

I'd looked for it once to try to understand the appeal, but the uneven characterization ruined my immersion almost immediately.

Jiraiya said, "Oh really? What's your favorite book?"

Kakashi held up his worn copy. "This one."

Naruto said, "Ugh, can we just go, old ma…uh, young ma…Hokage sir."

"Technically I'm middle-aged, although the body stealing does muck that up a bit," Orochimaru said. "Your debriefing must wait until your final teammate arrives."

Orochimaru glanced over a piece of paperwork, signed it, and set the next three on fire. He then said, "For future reference, when I say something foreboding like that, please send the person in promptly."

"Sir," Owl said, escorting the final member of our team into the Hokage's office.

Sakura said, "Hinata?"

"I. Uh, I was…" Hinata glanced down at her puppet helplessly.

"The Hokage summoned us, duh," the little puppet said as it pushed in front of her.

"But I thought you were back on Team Eight with Kurenai, unless"—Sakura clapped her hands over her mouth—"Kurenai doesn't exist anymore."

"Who?" Naruto said.

"That doesn't even sound like a Konoha name to me," I said.

Sakura smiled nervously, a flap of her hand sending killer intent wafting at a shrinking Hinata. "I don't even think we were talking."

The baby spotted Hinata's puppet and started crying.

With his eye narrowed, Kakashi began to spin around on his heels. "Where are we?"

Jiraiya whistled. "Goddamn."

Kakashi then leapt out the shattered window.

"I'm starting to remember why I took off," the Sage continued.

"It's almost impressive, in a really disturbing way," Orochimaru said.

"Like your face," Jiraiya said.

"I will take that as the compliment that it is"—Orochimaru cleared his throat—"Everybody calm down. Kurenai is fine."

"Fine," Naruto said, "or 'fiiiine.'"

Orochimaru patted the still-sobbing Yuki's back. "She's perfectly safe and happy and existent."

Sakura sighed in relief, and the redness in Naruto's face eased as he no longer had to keep thinking. I said, "Why is Hinata coming with us?"

"You could use her tracker experience, since this is partially a tracking mission. But, overall, she's better suited to an assassination squad until she stops poisoning her opponents," Orochimaru said.

Hinata nervously stroked the scroll strapped to her back, eyes darting between the Hokage and Tsunade. "I didn't know it was…"

Tsunade lifted an eyebrow.

"…sorry."

"He lived, didn't he?" the puppet said.

"Please be quiet," Hinata whispered.

The puppet stared at her for a long moment and then hugged her legs. "I apologize, Mistress."

She patted its head. "Thank you."

"That is really messed up," Jiraiya said.

"I think it's charming." Orochimaru wiggled his fingers in front of Yuki's face to distract her from her tearful hiccupping.

"Alright. We're putting creepy puppet girl on the team. Anyone else?" Jiraiya said.

"You can always enlist my spies, once you arrive. But we aren't waiting on anyone else today." Orochimaru said. "It should be a simple enough mission. Just go to the Land of Rain, find a mansion full of S-class ninja, and kidnap two of them."

I said, "Are we allowed to kill the jinchuriki, or are we just kidnapping them?"

"Kidnapping is preferred. If one does die along the way"—Orochimaru looked fondly down at Yuki—"make sure to bring their corpse back for me."

"Yes, Hokage-sama," we said.

Tsunade tossed a scroll to Hinata, who fumbled the catch badly. "Pack your bags, drag Kakashi out of whatever crevice he's wedged himself into, and leave immediately."