Chapter 26
Disclaimer: drug use. My friend M really hates Jinlian, but I have a lot of sympathy for her. I hope you do, too!
Jinlian's sheets are stained scarlet with fresh blood. Having just flung aside the blankets of her bedroll, it takes her a split second to realize what's happened. Then she closes her eyes in relief.
"Thank the spirits," she says aloud. Jinlian falls onto her back with a thump and stares at the ceiling. Specks of dust cling stubbornly to the rough wooden planks; no matter how many times she's beaten the ceiling with a straw broom, the dust refuses to budge. But right now, she doesn't care about the stupid ceiling, or that fact that she'll have to spend half the afternoon scrubbing the blood out of her nightdress, the sheets, and maybe the cotton bedroll. She's not pregnant. The tight bands that compressing her chest and stomach lift and for the first time in two weeks, Jinlian inhales deeply. The morning air is sharp and tinted with smoke from early morning fires starting up all over the village. I'm not pregnant.
Jinlian wipes the water off her cheeks before it can trickle into her ears. To her surprise, her relief is edged with sadness. A letdown. Only to be expected, she supposes. The last time she thought she was pregnant, she was. With Haojun. And the expectant hope she felt before Haojun couldn't be more different than the horror that has weighed her down for the past weeks. Temurin had been so happy then. Angrily, Jinlian wipes away more tears and turns to her side. This is his fault. But immediately her own judgment fills her with nausea. Temurin may have abandoned her first, but she takes the prize for the most effective self-sabotage of all time.
This is where it stops, though. Jinlian clasps a hand over her mouth to muffle her shuddering breaths. The air outside the blankets is frigid, but the sharp pain feels good as Jinlian tries and fails to steady her breathing. Having another man's child would have the side effect of hurting Temurin, but she can't do it. It's not worth it. She loves Haojun with her every breath, but she can't have another now. Or maybe ever. Although that's not fair to Guo.
For the first time, Jinlian turns and looks at the broad back of the man who sleeps beside her. Guo's massive shoulders rise and fall peacefully, the muscles of his back distinct even when relaxed. He didn't know she was late, of course. Despite her tangle of emotions—or maybe because of them—Jinlian feels a familiar heat as she traces Guo's outline with her eyes. But that heat has caused her a lot of trouble.
Trying not to disturb her husband, Jinlian carefully rolls off the mattress and tiptoes out of the main room into the side kitchen. She'll have to warm some water so she can wash herself. Shivering, she shrugs on a grey padded sweater and house slippers and shoves a rag into her stained sleeping pants. She crouches to start the stove fire. Winters like this always remind her of being on the road with Temurin and how she always had to start the campfires. She smiles wryly. She's never met a man so inept at managing a fire. With one motion, Jinlian strikes the firestone: the spark jumps. The kindling lights up.
She watches the blaze in the grey morning stillness, settling herself on a low stool that brings her legs up to a fetal position. She rests her chin on her knees as the fire slowly spreads from kindling to wood. This pregnancy scare was too close. If she's going to continue on, she needs to stop being so reckless. Enough spiralling. For five years, Jinlian has felt like her life has been slipping out of her grasp, left behind with a child just like her mother, dreams fading as mediocrity took over. And once those dreams slipped away, it was so easy to just let go of everything else too, and to just do whatever she wanted, wild and free as the flames that jump across the wood. But no more. She can't let her recklessness bring a child into this world. Which means she'll have to change. When she was with Temurin, he made her some sort of tea—she can't remember which combination of herbs, precisely—that ensured she wouldn't get pregnant. She'll just have to swallow her pride and ask Temurin how to make it.
To her frustration, fresh tears trail down her face, hot at first but turning cold as they drip down her chin. Jinlian doesn't cry often, but when she does it's often hard to stop. Pull yourself together. Temurin will be so disappointed and professional..
"You should have woken me." Guo looms in the doorframe, wearing only a pair of thin cotton pants. Quickly, Jinlian rubs her face on her sleeve and hopes her face isn't too red.
"How are you not cold?" she asks, trying to speak without her voice sounding too watery.
Guo shrugs. He's not a chatty person-unlike Temurin. A lot more comfortable walking around half-naked than Temurin was, too. Flushing slightly, Jinlian waits with dread for Guo to comment on the red-stained sheets, which truly look like someone's been murdered in their bed. But instead, Guo wordlessly grabs his coat and drapes it over his bare torso. He kicks on his boots and crunches out to his blacksmith's shop; soon Jinlian hears the rattle of metal tongs as Guo starts up his forge fire. He's just going to start the day and pretend nothing happened.
Well. She guesses this is it. A life of wordless exchanges and cold mornings. What an amazing choice she's made.
Dully, Jinlian trudges back to the bedroom and slowly strips the bloody sheets off the bedroll. At least I'm not pregnant, she reminds herself. That's one good thing. And she's picking Haojun up for school today. That's another good thing. Outside, the sky has brightened considerably, but it's still unspeakably cold.
Jinlian hears the back door bang open like Guo kicked it in. "What the hell?" she shouts, not caring if the neighbours hear. Is he an actual idiot? She storms into the side kitchen, where Guo stands sheepishly, holding an enormously heavy basin full of steaming water. His coat flaps open, and either sweat or condensed steam trickles down his chest. Carefully, he sets the deep basin on the floor.
"What is this?" Jinlian asks, flustered.
"A hot bath," he says with a nervous smile. And just as quickly as he came, he disappears back to the forge.
Jinlian spends the rest of the day as she usually does: cleaning, cooking, and people-watching. Today, however, she does it with a slight smile. She perches herself on a chair outside Guo's house so she has good view of the road and the forge and brings along a large pot of rooster-pork bao filling and the dough she set out last night. At first, her fingers quickly grow cold as she rolls out the dough and fills the bao. But as the morning sun rises, the snow starts to melt and Jinlian's fingers thaw. Muddy puddles form in the road outside Guo's forge, and children splash through the mud on their way to school. Jinlian always hopes Temurin will relent and take this road with Haojun, but he never does. Jinlian aggressively twists the top of the next bao shut. Then, using some extra dough, she forms a miniature rooster-pig snout and crest. She tilts the snout up to make it smug, just like her ex-husband. After some thought, she squishes the bao so it looks thin and pinched, too. She sets the Temurin-bao next to the Guo-bao she just finished, which is twice the size of a normal bao. It's petty, but Jinlian snickers to herself nonetheless. It's good to seize on simple pleasures.
Less funny are the Fire Nation troops that pass by on their morning march. Guo sets down his hammer to stare at the soldiers, and Jinlian too lets her hands grow still. For the past week, over fifty troops have milled around, not doing much, pretending to be there for "security" reasons before the vote. But Qima is such a small village. Why are they here? Unless Mayor Sota asked for them especially…Guo turns and gives Jinlian an ominous look after the soldiers pass. Almost threatening, he picks up his hammer and starts back to work. The villagers who pass by keep their heads down, whispering and stiff.
Despite the tension that lingers in the air, customers still stop to talk to Guo as they always do—mostly female customers, but some male as well. Jinlian used to be one of those customers. Before she escalated things and set her life on fire. Three young women linger around Guo's forge—probably allured by the fact that Guo has unseasonably switched to a thin undershirt—and Jinlian translates the girls three fat little rooster-pig bao with rosy cheeks and big eyes. She'll eat them later. But one young woman who doesn't stop is Temurin's twitchy friend, the firebender with big eyes and skinny limbs who took a dip in the river. Nekana. Like she does most mornings, Temurin's friend irritably powers down the road, not caring if she splashes anyone with mud. Jinlian narrows her eyes. After the dinner she had with Temurin and his bizarre friends, she's been trying to figure out where on earth Temurin found this strange woman. She's clearly Fire Nation. And even though she claims to be married to Temurin's clueless other friend—Alvin?—there's something between her and Temurin that Jinlian doesn't quite like. Not that it's any of her business anymore. Jinlian fashions a small bao with crazy, swirly eyes.
Morning turns to noon, and the bustle slows down. The troops return from their walk, still marching in formation, and Jinlian goes inside to steam the baos for lunch. As she emerges, she sees Temurin's tall male friend speaking seriously to Guo. The young man places a hand on Guo's shoulder, head lowered. What are they talking about? Jinlian plasters a smile on her face and darts in with a plate of bao.
"…be ready tonight," Alvin finishes. If that's his name.
"We'll think on it," Guo replies. Tall Alvin nods, determined, and stalks away.
"Think on what?" Jinlian asks Guo.
"Trouble." Guo grabs the Nekana-bao and gazes at it appreciatively. "Nice eyes." He swallows it whole.
"Thanks. What kind of trouble?" Jinlian insists. Guo places both hands on her waist and draws her close. His hands are big enough to encircle her, and he smells of sweat and smoke. But now is no time to get distracted.
"Earth Kingdom soldiers. Arriving tonight," he says even more quietly than usual.
"What?" Jinlian whispers, horrified. "Are they here to fight the Fire Nation garrison?"
Guo shrugs.
"But the war's over!" Jinlian seethes. The Fire Nation and the Earth Kingdom will never stop fighting, spirits curse them. "This is why we need to be independent," she says. To her surprise, Guo nods.
"I agree," he says. "Both armies should go." He grabs the Temurin-bao and bites off its face. It's funny. Guo and Temurin couldn't be more different. But on this topic Jinlian bets they agree.