You really know how to make me cry
When you gimme those ocean eyes
I'm scared
I've never fallen from quite this high
**Ocean Eyes – Billie Ellish**
7th September
For Seth, the days seemingly flew by, unable to contain his excitement. Tonight's date was all he talked about driving both Roman and Dean nuts over the past few days with his constant excited chatter. But it was surprisingly quick how that excitement can reverse to sheer frustration.
For a Wednesday evening, the restaurant was busy. Many of the tables that surrounded him were occupied. The long booth like seat that stretched the far wall was full, including the four long tables that were tucked up against it. The rest of the place saw smaller 2-person sized tables aligned in a regimented order down the room. All looking identical with white linen tablecloths, silver cutlery, and crystal-clear wine glasses with a white napkin wrapped delicately and placed inside.
The wine-red walls and darkened oak flooring gave the place a romantic feel, but the dim mood lighting and small jars of flickering candles that lined every surface were what hammered home this prospect. Silky music played from unseen speakers that matched the gentle hum of conversation from nearby tables, the soft noise only broken periodically by the bartender, shaking the large noisy cocktail mixer over his shoulder.
Seth leaned back in his chair checking his watch, again. 15 minutes late is excusable. 30 minutes is a little impolite. 45 minutes… Seth felt the creeping disappointment with every glance at his watch. 'So, this is what it feels like to be stood up.' In all his adult life he had never been stood up, nor was unkind enough to do it on purpose. He felt like crawling under the table and hiding until everyone left. The embarrassment alone was surely going to kill him, a single guy sitting alone in a restaurant, how pathetic. What made it worse was he was still clinging onto that tiny bit of hope that he will show up, that he will come through that door with some apology flowers or something. But the more time that past, the more Seth's emotional stability and optimism shrank.
The door opened and Seth's attention shot up as it had done all night, that little bit of hope still clinging on, trying to catch a glance at a familiar face. But when another happy smiling couple wandered in, Seth's head drooped. The basket of warm breadsticks he had requested was almost empty, just one lonely stick lay in the wicker basket, waiting to be tasted. His glass of beer, just a little over a mouthful left. He retrieved his phone from his pants pocket, opening his messages in the vein chance he had at least replied with an excuse. But nothing sat in his inbox. The only message he received was from Finn; A text. [Have fun tonight. I want all the gory details later.] Seth grimaced as he groaned. This night was a disaster. What made it worse was knowing he would have to tell everyone how much of a disaster it was. That shame and humiliation engulfing him whole. He just wanted something, anything to make this night just a little more bearable.
The chair opposite him pulled outward startling Seth, his head shooting up. Dean plopped himself down and was smiling wildly at him. Even hidden under his thick russet-coloured beard, he could still see those dimples pinching his cheeks. "Hi." While it might not have been the guy he was waiting for, it felt like all his Christmas's had come at once.
"What are you doing here?" he squeaked in surprise.
Dean shrugged "You were raving about this place so much, though I'd check it out. Did you know they do take-out?" he said jamming his thumb over his shoulder towards the bar. "I was surprised. In a fancy-ass place like this"
Seth smiled, genuine and light-hearted while thanking his lucky stars for granting his wish. Like a beacon of shining light dressed in yesterday's gym wear, he found his way to him. "Seriously, shouldn't you be home by now? Wasn't your flight, like, an hour ago?"
Dean shook his head as he helped himself to the last breadstick. "Got cancelled. I fly out tomorrow." Unceremoniously ripping off the end with his teeth and chewing loudly. "So, where's this guy? In the John?" he asked, shedding crumbs across the table as he brandished the small baguette like a sword towards the bathrooms.
Seth scratched his beard trying to avoid Dean's questioning stare. He thought about lying, making up some story about him taking an important business call. But that just didn't feel right. Besides, what would be the point of that anyway? They'd all find out sooner or later. "No." He replied quietly.
"Oh." Dean stopped chewing; brow scrunched in that adorable confused way he so often portrayed. Seth's tongue pushed against the side of his mouth, mentally forcing his knee to stop bouncing under the table as the penny slowly dropped with his friend. Those ocean blues growing wider as he considered him, slumping back in his chair, breadstick still in hand as he repeated his exasperated phrase with the drawn-out understanding. "I - I'm sorry." And there it was, the one thing Seth was more dreaded of than anything, seeing the pity in a friend's eyes.
While Seth's insides felt like screaming, crying, and throwing a temper tantrum, he smiled, albeit with a hint of sadness. "Yeah." He sighed, head lolling back to stare up at the ceiling. The dull single spotlight above him blinding his vision temporarily. "I sure know how to pick em', huh?"
"How long have you been waiting?"
"Nearly an hour."
"Why are you still even here? I would have given up by now."
Seth shrugged "I guess I'm just pathetic and lonely."
"Don't say that." Dean leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table. Staring him directly in the eye. "You're the most awesome guy I know. And anyone would be lucky to be with you, if he doesn't see that, then -well- he's missing out."
Seth felt his shoulders relax, and his insides melt. He smiled softly. "You're sweet."
"Hey, don't go telling everyone. I got a reputation to uphold." Dean said with mock disgust. Seth chuckled, a genuine low rumble that vibrated his chest. This was one of the things he loved so dearly about his friend. No matter how dire the situation, no matter how shitty the day was, Dean would always lighten the mood. Whether it was his terrible jokes, or just being that shoulder to cry on, he was always there. Just being his usual clueless, charming self.
Somewhere behind them was a call for take-out, a large brown paper bag sat perched atop the bar with one of the waiters looking around aimlessly for its owner. Dean glanced over his shoulder and waved, acknowledging his order. "If you wanna get outta here, I bought enough to share." He said, pushing back his chair and standing. "I can be your date if you want." Trapping his tongue between his teeth and punctuating his intent with a wiggle of his eyebrows all but broke Seth.
Wide eyes and slightly slack-jawed, he tried his best to keep it together, while the raging tempo inside his chest was beating out a fast-paced samba. Forcing a huff of a laugh he folded his arms and rested them atop the table. "You think I'm that desperate?" He asked, looking up at his bright unabashed baby blues with a playful half-smile and raised eyebrow. Quite frankly, he was. To spend any amount of alone time with one of his most favourite people in the world, Seth would happily give his right arm. Of course, he didn't want him to know that…
Dean shrugged, that smug self-assured smile never wavering. "If you buy me a drink, I'll put out." He winked before heading towards the bar.
Almost unsure how to respond, Seth just watched him go. Beaming so wildly he was sure his face would break in half. His shoulders bouncing with his deep chuckle, shaking his head in disbelief. This man was too much. Succumbing, Seth knocked back the final mouth full of beer and followed. Catching the end of his conversation with the waiter. "-what every he ordered; I'll pay for." He said, waving his hand over in Seth's direction.
"You don't have-" Seth began, but Dean cut him off with a sharp 'Shut up' as he handed his card across the bar to the waiter. A beer and a basket of breadsticks weren't going to come too much. Less than $10 he would say. But the gesture wasn't lost on Seth. He felt that warming in his chest, something akin to affection, spread across his skin in a cocoon of contentment. Dean was wrong about any guy being 'lucky to have him.' Because Seth felt like he won the damn lottery with this guy by his side.
Catching the familiar glow of neon lights out the corner of his eye, he noticed the liquor store across the street was still open. Squeezing Deans shoulders as he gathered his order he murmured 'be right back' into his ear and darted out the restaurant.
…::::::…
"Bought you a drink."
Were the first words he uttered after re-joining Dean while pulling the neck of his favourite whisky out the brown paper bag to show him. Deans eyes widened at the sight of the Jack Daniels, unsure really what to say. A wide smile broke across his face, followed by a laugh. "I guess a promise is a promise." The excitement at the time had tingled through Seth like tiny static shocks of joy, eager to get him back to his hotel room. However, any reference to that feeling was now gone completely.
Seth lay across the bed in what Dean often referred to as a 'food coma.' His stomach feeling fit to bursting as he lay there uncomfortable and indescribably full. Dean wasn't kidding when he said he brought 'enough to share.' He was pretty sure he had bought enough food to feed the entire WWE roster. Foil and polystyrene containers littered the space between them, some completely emptied, some untouched. And Seth knew all too well, Dean would eat every scrap of it. His metabolism knew no bounds.
Using his forearm to shield his eyes from the harsh overhead light and the other to sooth his bloated stomach, Seth groaned. Feeling like any sudden movement would cause his gut to rupture. "Whisky will help." Dean commented followed by the familiar 'glug' of liquid. Rolling his arm towards his forehead he watched Dean knock back the bottle.
Seth highly doubted the possibility of this to be the case, but it didn't stop him from sitting up to try. The room swayed slightly, followed by that pleasant buzz which usually accompanied too much whisky. He wasn't drunk, not yet at least, but just at that right state of euphoria. Pushing himself back he met the headboard, after adjusting the pillows behind him he leaned the short distance across and swiped the bottle from Dean's grip. The warm taste getting easier to handle with every long sip.
He sensed his movement before he heard it. The bed adjusting to the weight of Dean sliding up against the headboard. Not close enough for their arms or legs to touch, but he swears every inch of his skin begins to hum at his mere proximity. That, or it might be the whisky taking its effect. He watches him slowly bring up his knee to rest his elbow on. His socked covered toes flexing with the movement. While the other arm perches on the lip of the headboard, his body slightly angled towards Seth, while is concentration is firmly fixed on the TV ahead of them. Seth was being subjected to some terrible horror film, but he didn't complain, he was just grateful for the company.
Tonight had sucked, no doubt about it. That feeling of humiliation not eliminated just yet, the memory still rearing its ugly head when Seth was in a quiet lull. Chasing it away with a shot of whisky every time it did. Much like right now, violently knocking back the bottle taking in another large mouthful.
"Easy their Davenport. I'm not carrying you back to your hotel." Dean warned, taking the bottle from him and placing it on the nightstand. Not before taking a swig for himself.
"I jus- I can't get it out my head. How could I have been so stupid?"
"You're not stupid, just… unlucky?" he replied, not even sure of his answer.
"Unlucky? Try cursed." Seth said dejectedly, picking the lint off his tight jeans.
There was another shift on the bed, and a small, soft demand of "C'mere." As Deans arm circled pulling him close, encouraging Seth to lean against him. Seth didn't fight the action, he let gravity and Dean's guidance tug him towards the comfort of his shoulder. "You're not cursed. You're just looking in all the wrong places. These hook up app things bring out the absolute worst in humanity. All filtered pictures and fake personalities." That was true enough, and not the first (or last) time he'd hear that. But he couldn't concentrate on anything other than Deans fingers, softly pressing through his shirt covered arm. His hands were warm, and grip surprisingly soft. He seemed to fit perfectly onto his shoulder like it was the perfect pillow size for his head. But more amazed at how he seemed to fit effortlessly into his embrace. Or the fact that he was in his embrace at all. Suddenly jolting to his senses, he realised what was going on.
"I never pegged you down for a cuddler." He smirked but made zero attempt to move.
Dean gave his shoulder an affectionate squeeze to emphasise the point. "Jus' wanted to make you feel better. I can stop if you-"
"No. It's kinda nice." Seth said patting Deans closest thigh. "It's been a while since I've been cuddled by anyone." Seth cut off instantly, trying to remember the last time anyone had held him like this. 'Ryan maybe? fuck had it really been that long? "Damn. I guess I really am alone."
Deans grip wound tighter as he shuffles closer, his body turning slightly to rest his chin atop Seth's head. "You're not alone babe. You got me"
For a second, it felt like everything was suspended. His arm around him, his warmth, his smell. On any other day, with any other guy, this would have been the cue to move in closer and steal that soft, slow kiss. The kind of kiss that would build and lead too so much more. And while every inch of Seth screamed to do so, his brain working overtime flooding his thoughts with their encounter, he instead opted for the safer route and tucked that need away. Locking it safely with all the other harboured feelings towards that man, while simultaneously cursing this unfair world.
Right here was an amazing, handsome guy, whose soul was as pretty on the inside as he was on the out. How was anyone ever going to compare to him? Maybe this was why Seth found it so hard to find that right guy. Because he was sitting right in front of him. There would only ever be one Dean Ambrose.
"It's not the same though, is it?" Seth replied hoarsely. Blinking back the tingling sensation in his eyes and trying to fight the lump in his throat that threatened to burst.
"Why? 'cause I'm not your boyfriend?"
Feeling ridiculously like a child, getting cranky because he wasn't getting the things he wanted. He stared down at his fingers, running them through the natural folds of his shirt idly, shrugging his shoulders by a way of response.
"And what would the difference between me and them be exactly?" Dean asked, his tone somewhat serious. "I see you every day. I've seen you at your best, and worst, and I'm still here to tell the tale. Plus, I buy your fancy dinners." Seth's gaze lifted to the empty containers still scattered around the bed and huffed a small smile. "We've slept in the same bed together; I've seen your naked ass more times than I can count. I've met your entire family and you've met mine. You know me better than anybody … I would do anything for you. Anything at all." Something wild and hopeful flittered in Seth's chest. A hope that was dangerous and should not be entertained. Surely, he was misunderstanding somehow. "All you gotta do is ask"
"Kiss me."
The words left his mouth before his head had time to take stock of the situation. His eyes widening at his stupidity. He tore away from his shoulder, breaking that loving contact as if he'd been zapped with a cattle prod. "Fuck, Sorry." He sighed scrubbing his face fiercely with his clammy palms. "I didn't - I - I wasn't…" But a gentle chuckle and even softer thumb pressed against the side of his chin, forcing him to look into those ocean blue eyes. A boyish coy smile pinching those dimpled cheeks.
"S'okay." He whispered. His hand rising to cup his cheek as their lips met. Deans fingers sliding round to the base of his hairline, sending tiny rises of goosebumps across his skin. His lips were soft, as they gently caressed his own, the taste of whisky still on them as they parted intending for a deeper moment. The pace was much slower than last time, but that passion and fire still burned hotter between them than ever before, even with Dean taking full control. A familiar feeling, yet somehow all together brand new. Like unlocking a hidden level in your favourite video game. Full of excitement, wonder, while still partnered with something wholly recognisable.
They naturally broke apart after what felt like hours, the best hours in Seth's life. His cheeks (much like his own) were slightly flushed, a perfect pairing with that modest dimpled smile. Seth couldn't look away, right now he looked breath-taking like Seth was seeing him in a completely different light.
He blinked repeatedly, waiting for his brain to catch up with what had happened. "I should -errm- get back. I'm getting kind of tired." 'That's it!? You just had another amazing kiss and now you want to run away?!'
Dean moved away slightly, that smile dropping. Clearly just as surprised with Seth's outburst as he was. "Oh, well - You can stay here if you want. I'll give you a ride back in the morning."
Seth had no reason to fight the cause. He knew his flight home wasn't leaving till tomorrow afternoon, he had no rush to be anywhere, was never entirely sure where the evening would have led him... But he would have never expected this. "Ok." Is whispered almost instantly, once again letting his mouth talk before his brain has a chance to kick in.
"Ok," Dean repeated softly. That smile returning broader than before. Dean slid off the bed quicker than Seth would have ever expected. Cleaning away the containers and depositing them in the rooms waste bin. "If you wanna change I got some clean stuff in my duffle." Yanking off his shirt almost deliberately slowly, Dean tossed it towards his belongings indicating to where his stuff was, but Seth's attention was most definitely elsewhere. Dean flexed his tight chest muscles, something he often did while changing, a recent habit of his that Seth welcomed all too well. "I won't be a minute." He said offering the shy smile before disappearing into the bathroom, leaving the door slightly ajar.
Reality finally caught up to him, as confliction flicked into his head. Bunking with Dean was normal, but they had just kissed and now he was wanting him to stay the night? A small flutter of panic tingled through Seth. Was he expecting this to lead somewhere? Was Seth ready for that? Sex would change a hell of a lot between them if that was where this was heading. 'oh, and there's the tiny little fact that HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND!' Dean wouldn't betray that kind of trust, he's not that kind of guy. But their kiss said and felt much more than either of them could ever convey. He never imagined Dean could be so gentle, the mere thought of it conjured a weird bag of emotions that Seth couldn't even begin to take account for.
Tired firm hands pressed against his eyes. Sleep, that's what he needed more than ever, Things would seem and feel a whole lot different when the Jack is out his system. Pushing himself from the bed he wandered over to Deans belongings, crouching down in front of the familiar black bag with Dean's favourite leather jacket laying across the top. Pushing it out the way he proceeds to unzip the bag, in doing so, the jacket fell to the floor, causing his cell to slide out the pocket and skid under the nearby armchair. With a loud sigh and roll of the eyes, Seth reached across scooping up the device, catching a fleeting glimpse of Deans lock screen as he returned it to the pocket. However, before he stowed the device, a notification caught his eye that gave Seth pause.
A small white flame icon that he recognised all too well. [1 New Message]
He blinked, staring at the screen, unable to comprehend what he saw. He wondered briefly if he picked up his phone by mistake. But there was no happy smiling Yorkshire terrier displayed as a wallpaper. Disregarding any levels of privacy, he unlocked his screen. Grateful that Dean never changes his pin combination.
Seth swiped at the notification bringing up its newest interaction.
It seemed harmless enough. Nothing more than a simple chain of messages.
A conversation between himself and someone called Seth.
His brain stuttered, flashing him back to a moment in his adolescence; the first time he took a wrestling bump. He remembered landing awkwardly, knocking the air out of his lungs making each breath almost impossible to take, while simultaneously, an unusual pain rippled through his entire self. That was how Seth felt right now. Trying to remember to breathe, unable to speak, totally stunned by the scene that lay in front of him.
These were his messages. To Daniel. 'But how… this can't be-'
He scrolled further through the past conversations as if needing more clarification, as if wanting to be proven wrong, somehow, someway. But with each passing flick the memory of typing out each message came into effect. Landing finally on the last message of the chain, sent while sitting alone at a restaurant, feeling abandoned and humiliated. [I've been here 20 minutes. Hope you're not standing me up]
His mind was sent reeling, unable to understand or process the images it was being sent before his eyes. Numb. That's all he could fathom right now. An unquestionable rage, devastation, humiliation all battling to try and take over Seth's fragile mind. But while his body decided how to feel, it was like he was set into neutral mode of not feeling anything. Unable to move, just stare at what lay ahead of him.
"You a'right?"
Anger. The sound of his voice alone kickstarting that one emotion into overdrive. Making him suddenly hyperaware of how tightly he was gripping Dean's phone with both hands. Aware of the tears that were plaguing and blurring his vision. Seth turned to him instantly. He wasn't surprised by Dean's instant reaction, his wide surprised features and unconscious half step backwards with palms raised in surrender. He could feel the pain emanating from his face, how tight his scowl was clenched. Could feel the tears in his eyes on the brink of falling. "Woah, what?" he tried to offer his boyish half-smile, but it had zero effect on him. Like the Ambrose curse, he had been under for so many years was finally broken.
"You." Seth didn't even recognise his own voice. Sounding much darker, hoarser than it usually was. Like some horrid vengeful demon had been awakened deep inside. He took a deliberate step forward. Dean stood his ground, hands still raised, but could see the panic flickering like a flame in those wide blues of his.
"Wha-" Seth slammed his phone, hard, into his chest. Hearing the audible 'oof' escape his lips. Seth didn't wait for a response, turning on his heel he gathered the small collection of his belongings.
After a brief pause, Dean stumbled into speech. Undoubtedly discovering what Seth had just learnt. "Lemmie explain-" he began, the slight tremble in his voice matching the own tremor he felt in his digits as he tried to lace up his smart dress shoes. He continued to ignore him, knowing it would never rid him of the man from his vicinity. But Seth was honestly terrified of his own anger, he had never felt a raging pump through his veins quite like this. Sadly, Dean mistook his quietness for complacency. "Seth, please. It-It's not what you think."
"Not what I think? Then explain to me what it is Ambrose!" Furious eyes landed on him, staring at the mouth that hung open, before snapping shut. Eyes cast to the floor as a hand ran up the back of his neck into his brunette curls. "Yeah… that's what I thought." Taking a deep ragged breath, he rose. Heading to the door.
"No wait, Seth please, don't-" A warm hand caught his bicep. However, it didn't halt his motion, instead, the rage that Seth had been trying to keep buried erupted like a volcano. In one swift harsh movement, he turned and shoved Dean as hard as he could. Causing him to stumble back and crash into the dresser behind him.
"Fuck you!" He spat. That vengeful demon rising through Seth again and finally snapping.
The wide-eyed horror ghosting his friends face as he gripped onto the furniture for support, was enough to send tears streaming down Seth's cheeks. Turning again before he could see and fled out of the room.