Chapter Note: I am 99% sure this is my last post. I have been editing it for weeks now because I was reluctant to let go, but I really feel like I am done now. I have been writing in this fandom since January of 2017 and have written over 750k words in all my stories combined. In the process, I have been able to work through a lot of my own feelings and issues and I want to thank everyone out there reading for giving me that opportunity. I'm no good at journaling, or writing anything without a reader, and I never would have been able to keep at my writing as long as I have without knowing there were people out there hearing me and sharing their thoughts on my stories. As 2019 closes, one of the things I am most grateful for is the support I have received for my stories and the catharsis I have felt from writing them. I want to extend my sincere thanks to every thoughtful and generous soul out there who has taken the time to leave me a comment on any of my stories. I want you to know that I appreciate you.
Disclaimer: I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls.
This had long been one of Jess's favorite ways to have a conversation with Mallory. Lying in bed, just the two of them, his hand cupping the curve of her hip, her palm warm on the side of his neck. Faces close in the dark. No distractions. Just being alone together, soaking up the warmth of being with the woman he loved. But, tonight what he most appreciated was being able to hide in the dark. He didn't want to burden Mallory with his own shit, but he wasn't sure how well he could conceal his emotions.
"I really think it's ok, Jess." The sympathetic tone of Mallory's voice reminded him that he was rarely ever successful in hiding his feelings from her. "Honestly. I don't think it's about avoiding you. He's not wrong about it being a long way to come for just a few days."
Jess nodded, thinking about his middle child in a dorm room in Arizona, at a college that Jess had never laid eyes on because his son had wanted to fly out on his own. Darius had been determined to go out of state for college and had accepted a spot at the furthest school from Connecticut that would have him. Jess had been secretly hoping that the amount of debt the kid would have to take on to supplement what he and Mallory could afford for out of state tuition would discourage him enough to stay local. He had felt like an ass at how disappointed he had been when Luke and Mallory's dad had stepped in to help fund Darius's education. The boy had still taken out some student loans, not wanting to take advantage of his uncle and grandfather, and in the end Jess had been grateful for their help, which had made the difference between Arizona State and a school in the Midwest with worryingly low racial diversity that had offered Darius a generous financial aid package.
"Yeah." Jess agreed, his voice low in the dark. "It's definitely a long way." Jess couldn't help but think of all the weekends April had been willing to fly back from New Mexico to be with Luke during her high school years and how it hadn't felt like too long of a trip to her.
"And, he's only been out there for a few months. I think being on his own is still feeling pretty new and exciting." Mallory gave him a small smile. "He just isn't ready to come home yet."
Jess nodded, wordlessly. He had known things would be different when Darius left home than they had been with Jeremy. That there was a good chance that Darius would never be part of his everyday life again. Darius didn't text him everyday and call him a few times a week like Jeremy did. He couldn't see Darius moving back to stay in Luke's apartment once he graduated. He wondered if there would ever be a time when Darius would want to move back home, or if this is what his relationship with his middle child would look like for the rest of his life.
"What about if we go out there, instead?" Jess searched Mallory's eyes, trying to read her reaction, then rushed on before she had a chance to shoot down the idea. "We take Evie, your dad, too, if he wants to come. Jeremy and Kristie could meet us in Arizona. It would be a much shorter trip for them from L.A.." Jess could feel his plan gaining momentum. "I bet they'd like that. We could take everyone out to dinner for Thanksgiving. Darius could give us all a tour of the campus, show us his dorm room. We could get a suite at a hotel and he could stay with us, too." He started to feel a little manic in his urgency to convince Mallory. "I know it would be expensive, but this will be the first year that we're not all together for a major holiday. I don't want to set this precedent already. Not when Darius and Evie are still so young. I want us to have a real family holiday-" He stopped himself when he saw Mallory's expression, her eyes sad, her mouth turned down slightly at the corners.
"I made that same offer to Darius on the phone." Mallory's voice was soft and gentle, as if delivering bad news to someone she wasn't convinced could handle it. "It would have been crazy expensive for us to all fly out there, but I figured you would be on board with the idea. But, he turned me down. I think he really just wants to go home with his roommate for Thanksgiving weekend. Another friend of theirs who can't afford the bus ride back home to see his own family is going to go, too, and I get the impression that Darius is looking forward to spending the holiday off campus with them."
"Oh." Jess said. "Ok." He sighed. "It was just a thought."
"But, I didn't let him off the phone until he promised that he'll be home for Christmas." Mallory gave Jess an encouraging smile. "So, we've got that to look forward to. A whole month of family time. We'll go over to Stars Hollow and drag the kids to every single Christmas or winter related event they've got. Tree lightings, hot chocolate, snowman building contests, sledding. We'll make all kinds of memories. And, after the holiday, we'll have Darius for another two weeks. We'll Scrabble it up, drag him to Evie's basketball games, maybe we can take a day trip into New York or Boston if the weather holds up. We'll do all kinds of family stuff and make all kinds of memories. It will be good. So good. I promise."
"Yeah. That sounds good." Jess couldn't picture his middle child agreeing to participate in half the activities Mallory had just listed, but he tried to convince himself she was right in an effort to pull himself out of his negative headspace.
"And, it's a positive thing that he's getting along this well with his roommate. It makes me so happy that they're close enough for Darius to get invited home for Thanksgiving. I love that Darius has friends that he feels that comfortable with." Jess watched his wife smile with genuine happiness, her eyes catching the light from the street lamp outside the window. "I love hearing about how well he's doing. Making friends and enjoying his classes and getting good grades. I think he's adjusting to college really well. When he called tonight, he sounded…...happy." Mallory's smile intensified. "Happier than he ever seemed in high school."
"That's good. I'm glad he's happy." Jess tried to keep his voice neutral, to not give in to self-pity. "But, doesn't it freak you out, even just a little, that he needed to move almost three-thousand miles away from us to be happy?"
The smile slowly faded from Mallory's face and Jess immediately felt like shit for bringing her down. "I'm not freaked out. Really. Lots of kids go away to school. He's at the age where he's supposed to be pulling away from his parents. Some kids need actual physical distance to do that. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love us or want us in his life, Jess. You know that, right?"
"I know it doesn't mean he doesn't love you or want you in his life." Jess instantly felt childish, and a little embarrassed.
"Oh, Jess…..." Mallory moved her hand to rest on his cheek, her thumb rubbing gently over his cheekbone. He felt his face instinctively turning into her touch.
"He calls you. He picks up your calls." Jess felt pathetic at how needy he sounded, but he couldn't seem to stop himself. "He doesn't let all your calls go to voicemail and then respond with a two word text five hours later."
"You guys are going through a tough time right now. I know you are." Mallory said, her expression earnest as she looked Jess in the eye. "But, it's not going to last forever. I believe that."
"How can you be so sure?" Jess asked.
"Because you're a good person. And, Darius is a good person." Mallory smiled warmly at him. "And, you love each other. And, you're his dad and he's your son."
Jess reflected on that, unable to find fault with any individual statement, but knowing that the sum of those statements didn't ensure a good parent child relationship, or even mean that his son actually liked him.
"I just…" Jess sighed. "I hate that he's so far away."
"Darius being this far away isn't exactly what I would have chosen for him, either, if it had been up to me. But, it wasn't." Mallory said. "I think he just needs some space right now to figure things out. To figure himself out." Mallory smiled. "And, he'll be home for Christmas. He gave me his word."
Jess felt the familiar shame he always felt when his emotions started to rise up on him against his will. "I feel like I'm losing him." His voice sounded hoarse.
"You're not, Jess. You're not losing him. I really believe that." Jess worried that Mallory was right, but for the wrong reason. He couldn't really lose someone that he never actually had to begin with. "He just needs some space right now. We aren't losing anyone."
Jess nodded, suddenly feeling disgusted with himself for how hard he was taking the news, for how much he was dragging Mallory down with his own issues. He took a slow, deep breath, trying to pull himself out of his shitty mood. He forced a less than genuine smirk on his face, needing to transition the conversation to safer territory, if not extricate himself from it altogether. "It sucks to be such shitty parents that all our kids are ditching us for the other side of the country, huh?"
Mallory smiled back, and even before she spoke, Jess could tell she was going to let him get away with it. "Yes, it does. Maybe we can break the streak with Evie. We still have a few years left to win her over. Maybe we should buy her a pony just to be safe."
Jess huffed out a quiet laugh and kept his tone playful. "I don't know. The way things are going, I'm thinking Evie's going to wind up going to college in Alaska."
"Hey, I'd love to see Denali. April makes it sound amazing." Jess leaned in to kiss his wife, feeling grateful that he always had her support.
He pulled away, leaving his mouth mere inches from hers. "I love you so much, Mal."
"I love you, too, Jess." He felt her breath soft against his face before she closed the distance between them completely, their mouths connecting gently, her body warm against his. Jess tried to clear his mind and just exist in this one perfect moment.
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Jess was lying awake, staring into the dark and trying to fall back to sleep, when his phone vibrated on his nightstand. He reached for it quickly so the noise wouldn't disturb Mallory. He saw Darius's name on the screen and felt an uptick in his heart rate. He couldn't remember the last time his middle child had called him, and a call at this time of night couldn't mean anything good.
"Darius? Are you ok?" Jess whispered, trying to tamp down the worry in his voice. He didn't want to come across as needlessly panicked. Maybe the call was a mistake. It was almost four o'clock in the morning, making it nearly two in Arizona. Maybe the kid was out and meant to call a friend and had accidentally dialed him instead.
"Dad? Hi, Dad. It's Darius." The kid's words weren't exactly slurred, but they sounded just slow and off-centered enough that Jess could tell Darius had been drinking.
"I know, son. Is everything ok?" Jess weighed his words carefully, wanting an answer, but not wanting to scare the kid off by sounding overly panicked or upset, cognizant from his childhood of how sensitive people can be to perceived judgement when they're drunk.
"Yeah. Everything's ok. I'm ok. I just wanted to talk to you-" Darius made a sound of frustrated realization. "Fuck! I'm sorry! I just wanted to talk to you. I didn't mean to wake you up. It's so late there."
Jess felt himself calming slightly, his heart rate returning to normal. He looked at Mallory, still sleeping peacefully, and pulled the covers back from his side of the bed, carefully getting up and exiting the room so as not to disturb her. He infused a smile into his whispered response as he quietly pulled the bedroom door shut behind him. "Oh, I don't know. I'd say it's actually pretty early over here, right now." The hallway was cold so Jess made his way downstairs. "So, what are you up to-"
"I'm sorry! I didn't think. I wanted to call you, but now I just feel…...stupid….I'm sorry." The boy sounded genuinely upset and so very young. It threw Jess off even more.
"It's ok, Darius. You can always call me. It doesn't matter what time it is. I always want to talk to you." Jess aimed for warm and loving without being overly cloying, fearful of ruining this precarious moment with his son. "So, what were you guys up to tonight?" Now that he was fully awake, he felt the same nervous tension he always felt when he spoke to Darius on the phone. The feeling that everything was somehow on the brink, that their tenuous relationship was his to save or fuck up by whatever he said next. He recalled a family hike over the summer when they had come across an injured rabbit. Mallory had spoken to it slowly and carefully, so as not to spook it and scare it away as she gently wrapped it in her sweatshirt so they could take it to the vet at Evie's request. An hour and two-hundred and fifty dollars later, all they had to show for it was a euthanized rabbit and a distraught daughter. But, the first part, winning the rabbit's trust, had resonated with Jess and returned to his mind now as he spoke so carefully to his son.
"We went out with some of Kenny's friends from high school." Darius said. "They were home for the holiday, too. We were at one of their houses. Just hanging around and having a few drinks."
Jess considered calling his son out for drinking like he would have with Jeremy at this age, but decided against it, not wanting to risk ruining the mood even by joking about it. He knew Darius must have something to say to him and he was determined to wait for it as patiently as he could.
"Oh, yeah? Did you have fun?" The question felt like the safer option. Plus, he knew it was pointless to try to police Darius's drinking when the boy was in college on the other side of the country. Jess sat down on the couch and pulled the quilt off the back cushions, doing his best to spread it over himself with one hand while he held the phone in the other.
"Yeah, it was good, mostly. Kenny's friends are really nice." Darius sounded unsure, and Jess wanted to ask if he was ok again, but he didn't want to sound like he was nagging, or imply that he didn't believe the boy's first answer. He forced himself to wait for more. "We're back at his house now. Kenny's house. Everyone else is asleep."
"Are you having trouble sleeping?" Jess asked, still unclear as to why insomnia would prompt his son to call him. He loved the idea that his son had sought out his company like this, but he wouldn't feel settled until he had a better understanding of why.
"Not really. Or, kind of. Maybe. I just keep thinking about something that happened tonight. It's like I can't stop thinking about it."
Jess felt his heart beat picking up again and his mind started running quickly through a series of worst-case scenarios. He did his best to keep his voice neutral. "Oh, yeah? What happened?"
Jess listened to Darius sigh. When the boy started speaking again, he sounded sleepy in a way that he hadn't previously and Jess worried that the kid was going to crash before sharing his reason for calling.
"I mean, I guess it wasn't that big a deal…...but, like I said, we were at Kenny's friend's house. His name's Jay." The pause felt like a confused frown to Jess. "Or maybe that's a nickname, like just the initial J, short for something else. I'm not really sure now that I'm thinking about it."
"That's ok. How about if we just call him Jay then?" Jess asked.
"Yeah. Yeah, that's what everyone calls him."
Darius sounded like he was losing focus and Jess prompted him to keep the story on track. "So…..what happened at Jay's house that you're still thinking about?"
"Well, we were drinking. And, there were only a few guys left at the end. Like, four of us. And, someone. I'm not sure who, but I know it wasn't me. But they said we should go outside and play two on two. Jay has this really nice court in his yard. It's not in the driveway the way people normally have it, like ours is, but there's this whole paved area in the back for the hoop…..."
Darius let out a sleepy sigh. "So, you guys went outside to play basketball." Jess tried to keep his tone conversational, not wanting his son to feel like he was being interrogated. "Then what happened?"
"It was too loud, the ball bouncing and hitting the backboard and everything. It woke up Jay's stepfather. He was pissed. Really pissed. He started yelling at Jay, telling him how inconsiderate it was to wake up the whole house, maybe the whole neighborhood. Like yelling wasn't going to wake people up, too, right?" Darius scoffed at the idea. "He was really mad... Kenny told me later that the guy's always been kind of a dick, like not that nice to Jay and stuff, even when they were younger." Jess didn't feel it was particularly out of line to yell at a bunch of inconsiderate drunk kids playing basketball in your backyard in the middle of the night, but he wasn't stupid enough to admit that and align himself with the obvious villain of the story. "And, I don't know what Jay said back to him. I couldn't hear him, I guess. I was on the other side of the court when the guy came out and I stayed over there. But, his stepfather hit him. Like, slapped him across the face. And, Jay is really nice. Like just a genuinely nice person, so he couldn't have said anything too bad, right? And, he was drunk, too, but he was still really embarrassed by it. I could tell. Then we all had to leave and come back to Kenny's. Jay's stepfather made him go back inside and we could still hear him yelling at him from the front yard while we waited for the Uber. And, I don't know…..it sucked. And, it sucks that Jay is still there now, with his stepfather, when he's so mad. That sucks, too."
Jess processed his son's story, knowing full well that even a genuinely nice teenager was completely capable of saying something pretty bad when they were drunk and talking to a parent they didn't particularly care for. But, Jess didn't believe that made it ok for a parent to strike their child, especially in front of other people. He knew from personal experience how humiliating that could be. He also knew that wasn't the point of the story. He understood how triggering this situation could be to Darius because of the boy's own past with a physically abusive father. He considered what to say, knowing that nothing he had to offer would be good enough, but that he had to try anyway.
"I'm sorry that happened." He decided to go with the simplest response. "It definitely sounds like it sucked. For Jay and for you."
"Yeah. That guy's a jerk, right?" The pace of Darius's speech had slowed.
"He definitely sounds like a jerk." Jess agreed, wanting Darius to know he was solidly on his side.
The boy released a long yawn, and Jess could tell he was fading fast. "And, anyway, I just felt like talking to you, I guess. To tell you…...I don't know…"
Jess could feel his body tense slightly in anticipation, holding his breath as he leaned forward on the couch.
"That I like that you're my dad, I guess…...but, maybe it was stupid. To call just to say that."
Jess's mind went to the argument they had had toward the end of Darius's senior year of high school. Darius telling him he wished Jess wasn't his father.
"I don't think it's stupid. I kind of love hearing that. Because I really love being your dad." Jess took a moment to collect his thoughts. "I know things haven't always been easy with us. But, I love you, Darius. I am so grateful to have you for a son. I just love you so much, kid. Always. Every minute of every day. No matter what. I hope you know that."
Jess waited on edge for a response, immediately worried that he had once again said too much or revealed more emotion than Darius was comfortable dealing with. Then he heard a light snore. He smiled to himself and waited for a few moments in case Darius woke back up. Part of him wanted to say something, or maybe clap his hands loudly to startle the boy out of sleep and pretend he had dropped his phone, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Jess listened to his son's steady breathing, regularly punctuated by a soft snore. He pictured Darius as a small child, fallen asleep on the couch during a movie, finally peaceful after a trying day of meltdowns, he and Mallory watching him and marveling at the adorableness of their new son. After a while, Jess disconnected the call. He headed back upstairs thinking about what a giant step forward Thanksgiving had ended up being, even if Darius had celebrated the holiday on the other side of the country.
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"Are you nervous, Dad?"
"What?" Jess forced a scoff as he turned from the sink where he was finishing washing the breakfast dishes to look at his daughter. "Of course not. Why would I be nervous?"
The little girl shrugged, still sitting at her spot at the kitchen table. "I don't know. But, you seem like you are."
"I do?"
"Yeah." Evie nodded. "You're acting like you did that time you borrowed Uncle Luke's truck to put Jeremy's stuff in the basement when he moved to California."
Jess frowned, feeling puzzled. "Hmmm." He finished soaping the last plate and rinsed it off under the faucet. "I remember borrowing the truck, but I'm not sure I see the connection there."
"Remember how you scraped the side of the truck against the pole at Jeremy's apartment?" Evie ran one palm roughly across the other to dramatically illustrate the scrape.
"Yes, I remember that." Jess set the plate in the drying rack and picked up a dish towel to dry off his hands. "What's your point?"
Evie smiled and comically rolled her eyes. "You were scared to bring it back to Uncle Luke because you didn't want to get in trouble."
Jess quirked an eyebrow at his daughter and watched the girl giggle at his reaction. "I would hardly say I was scared-"
Evie laughed again. "You were, too! You were nervous, at least. Even mom said so when it happened." Jess loved watching his daughter laugh, even when it was at his expense. He felt that she was his happiest child. He figured it made sense. Evie had been born into love and acceptance. From the first time she had cried as a newborn, she had learned to trust that her needs would be met and that she could safely go about the business of developing healthy attachments to the people around her. Unlike her brothers, she had never been taught to see the world as a scary place full of hurt and rejection, she had never learned to approach the people closest to her with extreme caution and fear. He loved how happy his daughter was and in his more maudlin moments, he found himself grieving a future in which she might not be able to preserve her positive world view.
"Ah, well." Jess conceded. "If mom said so, it must be true."
"And, you're acting like that now. Like you're nervous! That's the connection right there!"
Jess watched his daughter laugh at him and wondered when she had become so grown up and perceptive. He did feel nervous and he knew he had been acting a little off that morning because of it. Darius was flying in for his Christmas break today and Jess was picking him up alone because Mallory and Evie had school and Jeremy wouldn't arrive until a few days before Christmas. Jess had learned from previous mistakes and had held himself back from reaching out to Darius in any way that could be considered out of the ordinary after their conversation on Thanksgiving. He knew from past experience that one step forward was more likely to result in two steps back if he pushed or expected immediate progress. With that in mind, he had never even mentioned the call to Darius, even though he had told and retold the story to Mallory, Jeremy and Luke, wanting validation that he wasn't crazy for thinking this could be the change in his relationship with his son that he had been waiting on for so long. He had gone on with his son, business as usual, texting him every few days to check in and participating in the family facetime call every Sunday, but hanging back and letting Evie and Mallory do most of the talking. He knew Evie was right in her assessment. Even though he tried to keep them in check, he had big expectations for today, and he could feel a light nervous flutter in his stomach at the millions of possible ways he could fuck things up.
"Huh." No matter how astute Evie was, Jess didn't think his complicated emotions over his son's homecoming were something he should dump on his ten year old daughter. "I suppose I was a little nervous about bringing Luke's truck back scratched that day. I had made a big deal about being able to drive a standard when I honestly wasn't that good at it and I felt bad about messing up his truck. But, today's different. I'm excited, not nervous. Sometimes they look like the same thing. I'm just really excited to see Darius. It's been a long time and I really miss him."
Evie's expression shifted into woeful eyes and downturned mouth. "I miss him, too. It sucks that Jeremy and Darius moved away."
Jess took in his daughter's serious expression and her multi-colored hair. The girl had gone to a sleepover the past weekend and had returned with purple and blue streaks in her beautiful black hair. Evie had clearly been proud of her new look, and Jess had complimented his daughter, telling her how cool it looked when Mallory had brought her home. Later that night he'd made a comment to Mallory about ten years old being too young to have dyed hair and how he would have appreciated Jodi's mom asking before she let their daughter do something like this to her head. Mallory had shrugged off his concern, saying that dyed hair wasn't a big deal, it wasn't like Jodi's mom had done anything permanent like piercing Evie's ears or giving her a tattoo, and that she didn't want to be the kind of parent who tried to police her daughter's appearance. Her response had left Jess feeling alone in his resistance, and also kind of old and out of touch. The whole thing had left him feeling like everything was happening too fast and reminded him of how little time he had left before Evie grew up and left home like her brothers.
"Sometimes, I wish I had a brother or sister my age to do stuff with. Like Jodi does." Jess watched his daughter frown and reflected on how badly he had failed at family planning. He felt that with seventeen years between Jeremy and Darius and another eight year gap between Darius and Evie, he had made normal sibling relationships more difficult for his children, leaving them with something similar to what he had with April and Doula, which was good enough once they were adults, but hadn't exactly provided any of them with childhood playmates. He made a mental note to talk to Mallory about getting a dog, maybe it wasn't too late to surprise Evie with one for Christmas. Jess had always intended to bring up the idea of a dog to Mallory once Darius had settled down a little and gotten over the angry, violent outbursts that had been so prevalent during the early days of his arrival in their home, but they had become busy with the day to day activity of caring for a baby and a traumatized child and a dog had started to seem like too much work and the idea had fallen by the wayside before it was ever even discussed.
"I'm sorry, Evie. I know it must get a little boring for you sometimes, being the only kid around here."
The girl shrugged her small shoulders. "It's ok. I know you and mom are too old to have another baby."
Jess smiled. "You're right about that." He was turning fifty this year and he couldn't agree more with his daughter's statement. He loved being a dad, but he was tired. He felt guilty for even thinking it, but he knew deep down that he wasn't totally opposed to the idea of fostering again if he could be guaranteed an easy kid. He felt like he could raise another hundred Jeremys or Evies, but being Darius's father had tired him out and aged him in a completely different way. "But, we'll have Darius back today and Jeremy will be home next week. And we're going to do so much family stuff with them, and have so much fun, and really take advantage of the time they're here. We've got a lot to look forward to right now. And, then maybe we'll plan a trip out to see them in the spring. How does that sound?" Jess really wasn't sure they could afford a family vacation out west, but he was determined not to let this much time pass without seeing his sons again.
Evie smiled at him, all signs of sadness gone. "That sounds good." Jess had learned long ago that, much like Jeremy, his daughter was a sensitive and thoughtful person who would sometimes tell him what she thought he wanted to hear. He was embarrassed to admit that sometimes he let it go because it was easier for him that way.
"You ready, hon?" Mallory walked into the kitchen dressed for work in a black skirt and a dark green cardigan, a bright smile on her face.
"Yep!" Evie bounced out of her chair and pulled her coat off the hook by the door, shoving her arms into the sleeves. Jess handed his daughter her lunch in a purple sack, the fabric covered with cartoon owls. He cupped the back of her skull in his palm and stooped to drop a kiss on her multi-colored head.
"Don't forget your hat and gloves." He reminded her. The girl pulled her hat out of one coat pocket and a pair of gloves out of the other, grinning as she held them up and waved them around for Jess to see before putting them on. "All right, I get it. You're on top of it." Jess acknowledged. "Let me just help you out a little here." He gently pulled her knit hat down over her eyes, earning giggles from his daughter.
"Dad!" Evie protested, fixing her hat and leveling a comically exaggerated stern look at her father.
"Oh, sorry, did I do that?" Jess feigned innocence.
He took two steps toward Mallory and kissed her head the same way he had just kissed Evie's. He heard Mallory snicker before he had even pulled back and realized what he had done.
Mallory was smirking at him, with a mischievous look in her eye. "Thanks for that, but I think you can do better if you really apply yourself."
Jess huffed out a quiet laugh at himself. "Sorry, I'm just a little distracted this morning."
Mallory pulled him gently toward her by his shirt front and kissed him, keeping their mouths joined long enough for Jess to hear Evie let out an exasperated sigh. "Mom! We're going to be late for school!"
Mallory pulled back and smiled at Jess. "Much better. And, don't stress. Things will be good today. I can feel it."
"Thanks." Jess said. "I really hope you're right."
She raised one hand and gently cupped the side of his face. "I love you."
"I love you, too." Jess watched her pull on her coat and join Evie at the door.
"Bye, guys, have a good day at school. Be smart and play well with others."
"Bye, Dad." Evie said. She stopped in the doorway and turned back, a big grin on her little face. "And, don't tell Darius about my hair! I want to surprise him, ok?"
Jess smiled at his daughter's enthusiasm. "He won't hear about it from me, kid."
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Jess's mind was churning nervously as he waited in baggage claim. He thought back to the argument he had had with Darius back in May, followed by a summer of subtle tension. The boy had worked as many hours as he could get at the diner, usually opting for the closing shift. Their paths had rarely crossed, with Darius spending his daytime hours with Mallory and Evie, heading to work before Jess got home from the bookstore, and often returning home after Jess had gone to bed. Jess had envied Mallory's freedom as he listened to his wife and daughter fill him in on what he had missed each night at the dinner table. Mallory had not picked up her usual summer job this year to make the most of those last few months when two of their kids still lived at home. Jess had tried to plan as much family time as he could on his days off, but Darius sometimes picked up daytime shifts at the diner when another server was unavailable. Jess hadn't been able to argue with the boy wanting to earn money for college, and as a result, most of Jess's summer memories that included Darius seemed to revolve around the family hike that had ended in tears and a dead rabbit, one outing to the lake when April was in town, a handful of family dinners, and a really great weekend when Jeremy had visited from Los Angeles and it had briefly felt to Jess that they were one big happy family. Jess could still remember dropping Darius off at the airport when the kid left for school. Mallory and Evie both tearing up as they hugged Darius goodbye. Darius hugging back tightly, telling them how much he was going to miss them. Jess's own embrace receiving an anemic response in contrast, the boy merely tolerating his touch, one hand rising to lightly contact Jess's back more out of reflex than affection, before Darius quickly pulled away and turned back toward his mother for one last hug before heading through security. Jess sighed. That was ok. That was all in the past. Long before their phone call at Thanksgiving. Before Darius had had a chance to get enough space to reflect on their relationship from a different perspective. Things would be different now. Jess felt a fluttering in his stomach as he watched a throng of people enter the space and head toward the baggage carousel.
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"Hey, Dad?" Jess looked up from tying his sneakers to see Darius standing a few feet in front of the couch, still in his pajamas, late on a Saturday morning, an expression Jess couldn't clearly read on his face.
Jess smiled. "Hey, Darius." Things had been going well in the three days that his middle child had been home from college. Starting with the brief but surprisingly genuine hug at the airport, Jess had felt his own anxiety slowly but surely ebbing away. Conversation with his son was coming easier than it ever had. He was getting more smiles and less thinly veiled attitude than he could have hoped for. He felt like he was witnessing the change he had always wanted in his relationship with his son, the one he had waited so long for and had almost given up hoping for so many times.
The boy returned the smile, then nodded his head toward Jess's sneakers. "Are you going for a run?"
"That was the plan. Would you like to come with me?" Jess had considered asking the boy if he wanted to join him, but he hadn't wanted to push anything on Darius this time around, no matter how good he thought it would be for him.
Darius huffed out a laugh. "I'll pass. I haven't exactly kept up with running or anything. I'd just drag you down."
"Impossible. Spending time with one of my kids could never drag me down." Jess momentarily worried that the sentiment had come across as too earnest, too much, but quickly dismissed the thought. He wanted to be over all the questioning, to feel free to be who he was and say the things that came naturally. He wanted to stop being scared and overanalyzing everything he said and did.
"I was just thinking maybe we could go for a walk. Just me and you…..." Jess took in his son's nervous smile. "And, I was thinking that since Mom took Evie to basketball practice, and they'll be gone for a while…...but, if you're heading out for a run, maybe we could do it later. Or tomorrow or something."
Jess was instantly hooked and thoughts of running flew out of his mind. "We can go for a walk right now if you want. I don't need to run. I was looking to get outside and clear my head more than anything else. I can do that on a walk, too. I'm good with a walk. Walking is good." Just like that, one out of character request from his son catching him off guard, and Jess could feel the familiar nervous rambling trying to assert itself. He forced himself to stop talking before the rambling could overpower his sense.
"Yeah?" Darius asked, an obviously pleased smile on his face.
"Of course, Darius. You're only here for a few weeks. I want to spend as much time with you as possible."
Jess watched his son smile at his response. "Ok. Cool. I'm going to go get dressed."
Jess watched Darius walk out of the room, knowing that his son asking for one-on-one time with him was a good thing, an incredibly rare and possibly unprecedented occurrence, but he couldn't help feeling some of the familiar fluttering starting to churn deep in his stomach.
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"So." Jess prompted after they had walked over two blocks in mostly companionable silence, aside from Jess's comments on the unseasonably mild winter and Darius telling Jess that Harrison had invited him to come by while he was home to meet his new baby. "Is there something in particular you want to talk about?"
Jess watched Darius keep his eyes focused on the sidewalk several feet in front of him as a small smile crept over his face. "Yeah, kind of."
Jess waited a few beats. "Are you ok? You're not in any kind of trouble, are you?" Jess tried to ready his least judgemental expression in case he was about to hear something he wouldn't like.
The boy huffed out an amused breath, then shook his head slowly, eyes still trained straight ahead, smile still in place. "No, it's nothing like that."
Jess waited to see if his son would continue talking, then took another guess when he didn't. "Is there someone you're interested in at school? Do you need advice on girls?"
Darius huffed out a soft laugh, still not making eye contact.
"Hey, I'm not sure why that's funny." Jess kept his tone playful. "I know some stuff about dating and relationships. I didn't do too bad in that department. I think we can both agree I married up."
Jess watched his son's profile and felt a surge of regret at going too far as he watched the smile disappear from the boy's face. It was a joke he would have made with Jeremy, too, but he wondered if it had inadvertently brought Darius back to the same ugly conversation it had him, Darius telling him that he didn't know what his mother saw in Jess, that she was going to leave him once Evie grew up. It was the last thing he wanted to think about or remind Darius of when things were going so well, and he scrambled for a new topic to drown out the unwanted mental noise his comment had sparked in his own head. "Is it about sex? Do you have any questions, or-"
"Jeez, Dad!" Darius looked horrified now as he turned to Jess. "Stop! It's not about sex."
"Ok. Ok." Jess raised his hands in surrender. "My mistake. It was just a thought."
Darius laughed. "No offense, but I would never come to you with questions about sex."
"Hey, offense taken." Jess joked.
Darius was grinning now. "It's nothing personal. People my age don't ask their parents about sex. That's what we have the internet for."
"Ah, so that's what that thing's for." Jess feigned enlightenment. "I had no idea. I mostly use it for keeping up on world news." Darius gave Jess's joke a small pity laugh, and it helped alleviate Jess's concern that his questions had turned the conversation awkward. A pity laugh from Darius was something new for Jess, and he viewed it as a positive since it seemed to indicate some level of consideration for his feelings.
They walked another block in silence and Jess knew this time he needed to wait Darius out. If he wanted this conversation to go anywhere, he figured it would have to be on Darius's terms.
Darius waited until they had crossed the street into the park and started following the familiar dirt path they had walked so many times as a family. "It's not anything bad." Darius spoke tentatively. "It's not even that big of a deal, really. Now, I feel kid of stupid for bringing it up like this."
"Um, you haven't actually brought anything up yet, kid?" Jess pointed out.
Darius laughed again and this time it sounded distinctly nervous. "I didn't want to build it up like this. It's going to sound lame now."
"I promise I won't think it's lame, no matter what it is."
"Ok. I guess I just kind of wanted to say…" The boy took a deep breath and centered his gaze on the path in front of him. "I don't really think Mom's too good for you. I don't wish you weren't my dad. I know you didn't ask for a black kid to advertise that I was adopted and make everyone think you're a good guy. All of that. Everything I said to you that day. I don't think those things and I'm sorry I said them."
Jess felt gobsmacked as he stared at his son. He realized he had stopped mid-stride and had to remind himself to move to keep pace with his son. His mind felt empty and he struggled to find words before his silence was misconstrued as a lack of acceptance of Darius's apology.
"Thank you for that, Darius. Really. That means so much to me, son. I know I said some horrible things that night, too, and I'm sorry-"
"No, you don't have to do that. You already apologized back then. You don't have to do it again. I'm the one who didn't apologize. Not for real." Darius glanced over at Jess. "But, I am sorry. And, it's not like I don't love you. Because I do." Jess met the kid's gaze with all the love he held for his child, the love that had sometimes felt so hopelessly unrequited over the years. Jess saw a flash of embarrassment on his son's face before the kid averted his eyes towards the trees in the middle distance.
"I love you, too, Darius." Jess heard the emotion thick in his voice. He hoped Darius heard it, too.
"I know. I know you do." Darius nodded his head. "I don't think someone who didn't love me could have put up with all my shit the way you always have." "I, uh, I really appreciate how good you've always been to me. I want you to know that because I know it probably didn't seem that way a lot of the time. But, I always have. Appreciated you."
"I believe you." Darius looked up with subtle disbelief in his eyes and Jess clarified his statement. "You're right that it didn't always feel like you liked me very much. But, if you tell me you did, that you appreciated me even when it felt like you couldn't stand me, then I believe you."
"Really?" Darius asked.
"Yes. Really. Absolutely." Jess said.
"Thanks." Darius was staring straight ahead.
"Sure." Jess studied his son's profile, waiting to see if his son would say anything else. He started wondering if Darius had said everything he wanted to say and whether he should transition the conversation toward something safe and ask the boy about school or how he was liking winter in Arizona before the silence became awkward.
Darius took a breath. "Everything was just always so much harder with you. I don't even really know why. I mean, I'm not an idiot. I know it's all linked to stuff with my first dad."
Jess didn't like hearing Darius refer to the man Jess thought of as his son's birth father as his first dad, but he knew adoptions were tricky and there were no wrong ways to identity the complicated relationships adoptees have with their birth parents. And, maybe birth father was too dismissive a term and connoted too brief a relationship to accurately describe the man who had abused Darius for the first six years of his life. Jess refocused on his son. Darius was finally opening up to him and Jess wanted to be receptive to what Darius had to say without making it all about himself.
"What's all linked?" Jess asked.
"Everything." Darius sighed. "Like how hard it was to be around you sometimes. How I always felt more…...I don't know, angry and…..scared and nervous and…...just uncomfortable around you than I ever did around Mom." Darius took another breath. "You took over a job that was previously held by someone who hated me and treated me like shit. Who used to hit me and hurt me just for fun. It makes sense that some of the feelings I had for my first dad would transfer over to you. My therapist says it's natural that I would have trust issues with-" Jess watched Darius realize what he'd said and try to cut himself off too late.
"It does make sense." Jess hurried to fill the silence before his son's discomfort could bloom into real shame and derail the conversation. "I always logically understood that that was where your hostility toward me came from. I did my best to accept it and not take it personally. I think some days that was harder to do than others, but I did my best."
"You shouldn't have had to accept it at all. You didn't deserve it. Any of it. I knew that even when I was treating you like that, that you didn't deserve it. That you were a good person, a good dad. You were nice to me…...but, I couldn't always hold it back, how I felt around you. I guess that was harder some days than others, too. And, I'm sorry for all the times I sucked at it."
"It's ok, son. It's ok." Jess instinctively pulled a hand out of his jacket pocket, wanting so much to reach out to his son, to loop an arm around his shoulders or cup the back of his neck, to provide some kind of reassuring contact. But, his instincts, born from a decade of having his son recoil from his touch, warned him that he would risk ruining this moment with Darius, so instead he dropped his arm at his side, his ungloved hand feeling instantly chilled. "I'm glad you're talking to a therapist, Darius. And, I'm really glad you're talking to me, too."
Darius nodded, staring at the ground, his expression uncertain, and Jess felt a wave of respect for his son for persisting with something that he obviously found so difficult.
"It's not just her, though, my therapist. I mean talking to her helps a lot. But, even just meeting new people and being exposed to their stuff and their families." Jess thought back to the call on Thanksgiving and wondered if Darius was thinking about the man he'd seen hit his stepson. "And, being able to get away from you, and everyone, for the first time, to really think about stuff on my own as an adult and to have the chance to develop a new perspective on my life and everything."
Jess nodded. "It sounds like you've been doing a lot of thinking."
Darius nodded. "I have. About so much stuff. But, you know what I keep coming back to when I think about us, you and me?"
"What's that?" Jess asked.
"You knew I was with a family that wanted to adopt me before I came to live with you and Mom, right?"
"I did know that." Jess was caught off guard by the transition. He knew that Darius's parents' parental rights had been terminated months before he and Mallory had met the boy, in preparation for an adoption by another couple. When he and Mallory had asked his social worker why the adoption had been disrupted, she had vaguely cited attachment issues on Darius's part.
"Well, they were nice people. It was a couple who didn't have any kids of their own. Just this cool little dog." Jess watched the corner's of the boy's mouth turn up slightly at the memory of the dog. "And, they were nice. Like, really nice. She was a nurse and he was a grammar school teacher. They were always so patient with me, just really kind and gentle, both of them." Jess could feel himself tensing slightly as he tried to predict where this was going. He tried to force himself to relax. "I liked the woman right away, the same as I did with Mom. And, I liked the guy, too. He never yelled, never even got mad. He was so good to me. Always. I liked him. I appreciated him. The same way I liked and appreciated you. He was patient whenever I couldn't deal, when I lost it and threw stuff, or tried to hit him, or had giant meltdowns when he got too close to me or tried to get me to do something with him. He never lost it on me. He was never rough with me. Ever." Jess's mind flashed to himself grabbing Darius's shoulders forcefully in an attempt to restrain the boy during one of his early meltdowns, then to yelling at the boy for ruining the cake on Evie's first birthday. "They asked if I wanted them to adopt me and I said yes. I wanted them to keep me. I felt safe there….." Darius trailed off, looking off to the side, away from Jess.
"They sound like good people." Jess spoke just to fill the silence, to prove he was listening and engaged, to keep the boy talking. He felt like he was holding his breath, waiting for something sinister to make its way into the story, something like sexual abuse.
"They were. Both of them. I liked it there." Darius sighed. "But, it didn't work out. I remember hearing them talking to the social worker a few days before she brought me to you and Mom. They didn't know I could hear them. The guy was crying, I remember that because it really freaked me out. I had never seen my first dad cry and I knew this meant something really bad was happening." Darius took a deep breath. "The guy was telling my social worker that he could deal with the outbursts and meltdowns and even the violence, but he couldn't take how much I seemed to hate him. How I flipped out whenever he touched me or even just when he got too close to me or told me to do something. He couldn't handle that. He felt bad, I know he was being honest about that, I could tell, but he didn't think he could take raising a kid that didn't want anything to do with him and that acted the way I did. He said he felt rejected everyday, and it hurt him too much."
Jess felt himself exhale, his body relax slightly. He could relate. He had felt similarly in the first few months and even years of having Darius as a son. He knew on some level he had still felt that same rejection and hurt until Darius's arrival home from college this week. He had been grateful to see the change in Darius that seemed to indicate that his need to feel that way may be over now.
"I'm sorry, son. That must have been really hard."
"It sucked. I liked that guy and wanted to be his kid. I was just such a scared mess that I didn't know how to act like I liked him."
Darius sniffled, and Jess tentatively reached out a hand, risking contact as he placed it on the shoulder of the boy's puffy jacket. He kneaded his fingers and thumb through the coat for a moment as Darius composed himself and took his hand away once the boy started talking again.
"And, what I've been thinking about with us, lately, is that I did all the same stuff to you. I'm sure I made you feel the same way that guy did, especially at the beginning, but even through high school and this summer and everything. I'm just really…...grateful, I guess, that you were able to stick it out with me anyway, even though I know it couldn't have always been fun, or easy, to have me for a kid."
"Oh, Darius-" Jess felt something in his chest clench with hurt for his son.
"I'm serious. I'm not looking for you to say that you love me and that you've always loved having me around. I'm not stupid or naive enough to buy that. I know that can't be true. I know there must have been times when you wanted to disrupt my adoption, too. I know that being my dad must have sucked sometimes and felt like way more hassle than it was worth. I just want you to know that I'm really, really grateful that you did it anyway."
Jess stopped walking, gently cupped his son's arm, releasing his hold once the boy stopped and turned toward him. Jess took in the boy's vulnerable expression, the unshed tears pooled in his child's eyes and felt the threat of the same in his own. He had waited so long for this moment, for this kind of validation from his son, had almost stopped believing it would ever really come. He slowly raised a hand, reaching around to cup the back of the boy's neck through the collar of his jacket, a movement that felt so comfortable with Jeremy and Evie and so foreign with this child. "I know you're not looking for me to say it, but I love you so much, Darius. You're right that you weren't always an easy kid to parent. And, being your dad certainly wasn't all rainbows and kittens all the time." Darius huffed out a soft exhale. "But, I can honestly say I never once wanted to disrupt your adoption."
"Really?" Darius looked like he wanted to believe Jess but wasn't quite there.
"I kid you not." Jess nodded seriously. "Were there times I wanted to throw your scrawny little ass out a window? Well, yes, but that's an entirely different question." Darius laughed, then sniffed back a tear. Jess smiled warmly at him. "I never wanted to get rid of you or send you away. I never wanted you to not be a part of this family. I had great hopes that I'd wear you down eventually and get you to like me. And, what do you know?" Jess removed his hand from his son's neck and tipped his wrist so he could pretend to consult his watch. "It only took about ten years."
Darius smiled at him then looked away as he wiped quickly at his eyes with the back of one hand.
"And, honestly, once we adopted you, once you were my little boy, my son, how you made me feel never felt as important as how you felt. When you came to live with us, you were this angry, volatile little person. You lashed out everyday, multiple times a day, sometimes violently. You were so angry. But, you were also this really cute, scared, defenseless child who needed parents to love him and take care of him. Even if you had never ended up liking me, I still would have felt like you were better off with me and your mom than you would have been in foster care and that's what mattered to me the most." Jess studied his son carefully, taking in the boy's emotional state and rapt attention. "Jeremy lived in more than ten foster placements before he came to live with me. I know how hard that was on him, to grow up like that, never feeling loved or wanted or like he fit in anywhere. Even if you weren't crazy about me….." Jess felt himself choking up and tried to control it so that he could get out what he wanted to say. "I'd look at you with your mom, how close you two were, almost right away…...I wanted to keep you with us, and out of the whole foster care situation. I felt like that had to be the better option for you."
"It was. Definitely. I have this whole family of people now. I love you guys. I was so young when the adoption happened. I don't think I realized then how different my life could have turned out without you and Mom. I get it now, that if things had gone differently I could have ended up pretty alone at this point in my life, and I'm so grateful that I didn't. Thank you for that." Jess felt his heart breaking at the earnest look on Darius's face.
"Hey, c'mon. I'm your dad. Mom's your mom. You don't have to thank your parents for keeping you or loving you, Darius. I never want you to feel that way."
"Maybe not. But, I do. It's different when your parents aren't the ones you were born with. You guys didn't owe me anything." Jess knew Darius was right. He could remember standing in Luke's apartment after Liz's wedding, stopping short of apologizing for everything he had done to make Luke's life harder because he hadn't been as brave as his son was now, but telling Luke that he had appreciated everything he had done for him, just the same. Jess got that some things mattered more when the person doing the giving had no real obligation to be so generous.
Jess nodded. "I guess you're right. I know I've always felt extra grateful for everything your Uncle Luke's done for me because he wasn't the dad I was born with. So, I get what you're saying." Jess sighed contentedly. "But, just know that I love you so much, Darius. That I'm every bit as thankful that you're in this family as you are to be in it. And, that I really appreciate you talking to me like this. I mean, I just, I appreciate the shit out of it, kid." Jess watched Darius smile at his phrasing. "I can't even begin to tell you how much." Jess paused, considering, fuck it. "And, I just really, really want to hug you right now. If that's ok."
Darius closed the gap between them and wrapped his arms around Jess's neck, tentatively at first, then tighter as Jess hugged back, crushing his son against his chest, raising a hand to cup the back of the boy's head, savoring the moment for what it was, while holding onto his constant faith that this was only one good moment of many that he could look forward to with his son. Jess felt like they had finally broken out of the one step forward, two steps back cycle that had provided the framework of their relationship for so long. Jess dropped a kiss on the side of Darius's head. Things would be good now. He could feel it. For the first time in a long time having faith didn't make him feel foolish.
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The rest of Christmas break goes by too quickly, like good times so often do. Darius picks up a few shifts at the diner to make a little money, but mostly sticks to breakfast shifts so that he can spend the rest of the day with his family. Jeremy and Kristie fly in for the week of Christmas. Aside from the day they arrive, Kristie spends the entirety of their time in Connecticut with her family while Jeremy spends it with his. Jess finds that a little concerning, but doesn't comment. It isn't until everyone is getting ready for bed the first night and Jess starts making up the couch for Jeremy that he gets it. They don't exactly have space for an adult couple to comfortably spend the night. Jess feels a wave of guilt at not having a home capable of accommodating all of his children at the same time, followed by gratitude that Jeremy was staying with them anyway, instead of opting to stay with Kristie at her parents' house or in the apartment over the diner where he could have his own space until April and her boyfriend got to town on Christmas Eve.
Jess finally talks to Mallory about getting a dog and she signs on with the stipulation that they don't get something too big. Something Winston-sized or smaller, she tells him. Three days before Christmas, Jess takes Jeremy and Darius to the animal shelter to pick out a family dog. His plan is to surprise Evie on Christmas morning with a cute little wiggly puppy. And, it feels important to him that his boys get to be part of the selection process, especially Darius who never got to have a childhood dog. Jess regrets that choice now, thinks maybe he had been too cautious. Maybe a dog would have helped Darius settle down sooner, provided the kid a trusted source of unconditional love right from the start. Jess makes his way down the main corridor at the shelter, baby talking each dog while he keeps his eyes open for a smallish one, his heart feeling heavy as dog after dog approaches the fencing between them making his or her bid for adoption. He feels glad that he hasn't brought Evie along, knowing that she's a sensitive kid and all the unwanted dogs would break her heart. Jeremy taps him on the shoulder and tilts his head toward where Darius is down on one knee, the fingers of one hand holding onto the fencing of a cage that at first appears empty to Jess. He and Jeremy move to stand next to Darius and the dog comes into view. It's a large dog, but Jess can't tell the breed or age. All he can see is that it's big and light brown and it's sitting as far back from the fence as it can get, facing the back corner, it's body trembling slightly with fear. Jess watches Jeremy crouch down next to his brother. He sees the sympathy and pain in Darius's eyes and he feels his own wanting to well up in solidarity. He reads the dog's name off the sign attached to the fencing. Jess stands behind his middle child, gently pats him on the shoulder, rubs his back for a moment, so, what do you guys think? Is Rufus our dog?
The dog stays out of sight at Luke's house until Christmas when Luke brings him over at five in the morning to make sure the dog is there before Evie wakes up, a festive red ribbon attached to his collar. Mallory gives Jess a mock-stern look at the size of the dog and he plays innocent, hey, talk to your sons, I was all on board with a small dog, but they fell in love with this behemoth. It's one of the best Christmases Jess can remember ever having, full of excitement over their newest family member. They give Roofus love, attention and treats until he feels relaxed in his new home. They take him on long walks as a family. On one ferociously snowy and windy day, they don't leave the house at all, except to take Roofus out to the yard a few times to relieve himself. They spend hours around the table drinking hot chocolate and tea, playing Scrabble, then watching movies together in the living room, snuggled up with blankets, just the five of them. They spend family time at Luke and Lorelai's, Dr. Howard's and Liz and TJ's, and Jess soaks up every minute of it.
Jess takes more pictures on his phone than he's ever taken in his life. He wants to remember all of it, every moment with his family. He knows it's only a matter of time until something changes and it becomes difficult to get his family together for an extended period of time like this. His heart hurts at the thought. It feels like an ending of sorts. There's no way for it not to. Jess doesn't yet know what's to come.
He doesn't know that his heart will break a year later when Kristie accepts a job in Los Angeles after finishing her MBA. That Jeremy will tell him that they're staying on the west coast, at least for now, but that Jess will hear it as forever. Or that they'll have a change of heart two years later when they learn they're expecting a baby the week after Kristie's company decides to downsize and cut her position. Jess doesn't know that Jeremy and Kristie will buy a house in Stars Hollow and that Jeremy will remain less than a five mile drive from Jess for the rest of his life. He doesn't know that they'll lose the baby, that trying to get pregnant again will put a strain on their relationship that will worry Jess, that after a very stressful year they will decide on adoption. That they will take in a set of siblings, a five year old girl and a three year old boy. Or that they will conceive long after they've given up hope, a year after the adoption has been finalized, and give their new son and daughter a baby sister, or how much Jess will absolutely love being a grandpa to all three of them. He doesn't know that Darius will move back east after graduating with a degree in business. That Darius will accept an entry level finance job at a company in Philadelphia, that he'll hate the job but meet a charming girl in the marketing department that he'll end up spending his life with. That when Darius brings the girl, Amaya, home to meet his family, she'll win Jess over immediately by how well she understands his little boy. That she'll tell Jess that's she's a former foster kid, too, and that her adoptive parents had bought her the novels he wrote and how much reading them had helped her work through some of what she'd experienced in foster care. That she will forget her phone on the counter one evening while Jess is making dinner and when it rings, Jess will instinctively turn toward the sound and forget to breathe for a moment when he finds himself staring into familiar soulful brown eyes above the word 'mom.' That it will take three days and multiple conversations with Mallory and Luke and Jeremy for Jess to work up the nerve to call Charisse, but when he does it will feel like something he should have done ages ago. That he'll silently tear up as he listens to her talk about adopting her son and two daughters with her husband and he'll tell her about fostering Jeremy first, by himself, how terrified he was, but how that choice has led to every other good thing in his life. That he'll apologize for how he was when they were together and he'll thank her, telling her that he never would have fostered Jeremy, never even would have thought about doing something like that, if it hadn't been for her influence, how grateful he will always be for the ways she changed him. That when they meet in person at Darius and Amaya's wedding, Charisse will greet him with a warm smile and a hug. That he'll watch her hold hands with her husband at the small reception of family and close friends, take in the loving way the man looks at her, the way her eyes get damp as she watches her husband dance with her daughter and he'll find peace in knowing that everything happened the way it was supposed to, and finally be able to let go of the guilt he felt for the man he had been when he was with her. Jess doesn't know that he and Jeremy will plan a surprise party for Luke's eightieth birthday, that they'll invite what feels like half the town, and enforce a dress code of flannel shirts and backwards baseball caps in Luke's honor. That Jess will be unable to sleep the night before, worrying about how Luke will take it even though Jeremy tries to convince him it will be good, or that his uncle will surprise him, being both humbled and flattered by the appreciation and attention he usually hides from. That Luke will get Jess alone as the party is winding down and they'll have a moment that Jess will always remember, when Luke thanks him for being like a son to him all these years and tells him how proud of him he is, always, for the family and the life that he's built for himself, or that Luke will die of a heart attack a week later, early one morning while he's opening the diner with Caesar. Or the conversation Jess will have with Darius when Evie is a junior at a state college two and a half hours away and living in an off campus apartment with friends, when Darius will get a little emotional as he tells Jess and Mallory what amazing parents they were to him, and how he feels that they should foster again so they can do for other kids what they did for him. At almost sixty, Jess will feel too old to chase after toddlers or raise another child, especially another child as tough as Darius was, but the more he and Mallory think about it and talk about it, the more they think they're capable of providing a safe, supportive environment for a teenager, the way Jess had for Jeremy so many years ago. Several teenagers will spend time in their home over the next decade or so, some for a year or two, some for mere months. Some that become family and keep in touch for the rest of their lives, and some that don't. Some that go on to experience immense success, like the young woman who earns a spot at Trinity College despite so much in her life being stacked against her. And, others that turn eighteen and opt out of foster care without a high school diploma, with minimum wage jobs, sometimes as new moms or dads. That caring for their foster children will give Jess and Mallory a common purpose and sense of fulfillment long after they would otherwise have an empty nest. That he will fall more and more in love with Mallory with each passing year. That the lack of commercial success for his writing will feel like less of a disappointment when he lets himself accept that his real legacy lies with the children he's helped care for, his own and other people's.
That everything will be ok. Better than ok. That the rest of Jess's life will be so much greater and more fulfilling than he knows he has any right to hope for, full of love and family and meaning, and that when it's his time, he'll depart this life in a hospital bed surrounded by the people he loves most, feeling grateful for one last moment with his family.
But, Jess doesn't know any of that this Christmas. He takes a few deep breaths and does the best he can to let go of worrying about the future, or dwelling on what he stands to lose. He makes himself focus on the only thing he really has, the now.