Chapter 22
Jay Halstead had seen a lot of gruesome things in his life. He was an Army Ranger for god's sakes, he had been in the thick of a war zone, barely making it back out. He had seen men being tortured for information, convoys with men in them exploded, limbs being blown off, and friends never getting the chance to come home. Then after two tours in Afghanistan, he was in a different war zone when he joined the Chicago Police Department. He had patrolled the mean streets of Chicago and saw his share of people being shot and killed over drugs and meaningless gang wars. But he could honestly say that nothing twisted his stomach and wanted to make him throw up more than seeing the love of his life come falling through the windows of the second story of the house and landing on the ground with a loud thud. She didn't stir, she didn't move, she was left completely defenseless on the ground as Stan got enough bearing to sit himself up and pointed his gun at Erin, aimed to take her out.
Jay saw red.
Everything happened in a quick blur. It was almost automatic as he ran as fast as he could toward them, gun aimed and finger on the trigger and it didn't fully register for Jay until he reached them and saw Stan with a hole right between his head and several rounds in his chest. Stan laid on the ground, eyes opened but lifeless, courtesy of Jay's bullets. Jay quickly kicked Stan's gun away, just wanting to get to Erin as fast as he could.
The sight was traumatizing, Jay shaking as he knelt down beside her still body. There were cuts all over her almost naked body from broken glass shards, her thigh was bleeding but everything else was almost minor compared to the fact that she was unconscious, head bleeding.
"Erin?! Erin!" The panic was clear in his voice as he gently shook her, desperate to see her hazel eyes. She could have glared at him all she wanted, she could've scolded him for not getting to her fast enough, she could've hit and slapped him until he was bruised all over, he'd take it all happily, just as long as it meant that she was conscious and being the same fiery spitball that he loved. He brought his shaking fingers to her pulse point, both needing and afraid to know the answer of whether she was still alive. Her pulse was low but it was there, a sign that she was still with him. That was all that mattered at the moment. She was still alive. Erin was still here.
He took off his jacket and covered her battered body with it, trying to keep her warm as she laid motionless on the snow covered ground. He saw the pristine white snow stained with red from her blood and the sight made him sick. He pressed his hand on her thigh, putting pressure on the wound to stop the bleeding, doing anything he could to lessen her injury, give her the best fighting chance he could.
"Just hold on for me okay Erin? You're gonna be fine! You just got to hold on," he begged, nose running and eyes watering while his hands remained pressed on her wound. He was sputtering like a fool, just hoping to get through to Erin, just pleading with her to stay with him, not to leave him in this world. "You got to stay with me okay baby? Just stay with me."
He didn't even realized when Voight and Olivia arrived next to him until he vaguely heard Voight's voice, telling him that the medics were on their way. His focus remained completely on Erin, trying to stop the bleeding from her wound, all while praying to whatever God was out there to save Erin. His fingers were shaking and he was trembling all over all at the sight of his girl lying on the ground, the fact that he was in just a thin t-shirt out in the cold not even registering for him. All that mattered was Erin. He didn't dare move her, it was difficult to hold back and not clutch her to his chest, keeping her close and warm and protecting her from the cold snowy ground but he knew he'd never forgive himself if he made her injuries worse.
"Where's the damn medics?!" he shouted. He needed to get Erin to the hospital as quick as possible. He needed to get her help.
"A minute out," Voight replied, his Sergeant's voice sounding more gruff than usual at seeing Erin in that state but Jay couldn't care at the moment for his Sergeant. Erin was his priority, nothing and no one else mattered.
"You hear that Erin? Help is almost here. So just hold on a bit more okay? You're gonna be fine," He was mumbling like crazy, just saying anything and everything that might help Erin to hold on and stay with him. He dropped his head onto her stomach, just wanting to be closer to her. "We're going to go see the Rockefeller tree remember? We're going to do all those cheesy tourist things. And your rooftop? We're going to ring in the New Year together right? We have plans Erin. We have all those sunny days ahead of us, so please baby, just hold on," he begged into her stomach.
The sound of sirens had never sounded more beautiful to Jay as the paramedics finally arrived, Brett and her partner running over to them in a rush. He was reluctant to take his hands off Erin, trusting her life in someone else's hands. He felt Voight tug him back and he let himself be pulled, knowing it was best thing for Erin. But he hovered over them, rambling off her injuries to Brett.
"We got her Jay," Sylvie assured Jay while she remained focused on her task, wrapping the wound quickly to stave off the bleeding. Jay just watched silently as Erin's neck was put in a brace and after what felt like forever, she was finally lifted onto the backboard and was being transported inside the bus.
He didn't bother waiting for Voight's permission, instead he jumped onto the ambulance to ride with Erin to the hospital. He reached over to the hand that was hanging limply by the side and he clutched it, like it was a lifeline for him. The only thing running through his mind was that she had to be okay, that she had to be fine. They made plans for their future. He was going to New York for Christmas and New Year, Erin was coming for Valentine's Day and he was moving to New York. They had their whole lives to live together. They were going to be so happy. Erin just had to hold on.
The second they reached Chicago Med, everything turned chaotic. Dr. Rhodes was already waiting by the entrance with a whole team of nurses, ready to transport Erin inside. Jay followed blindly as the stretcher holding Erin was wheeled inside, Rhodes shouting medical jargons Jay didn't understand. All he knew was that he wanted to be by her side, holding her hand. Ugly words like head trauma, gunshot wound and potential spinal injury made their way into his ears and it was too much for Jay to handle.
"Please just save her," Jay didn't recognize his own voice that came out, all broken, pleading with Connor. The doctor just looked at Jay and gave him a reassuring nod, a silent promise that he'd do his best. Jay wanted to follow further in but was stopped by a nurse, halting him in his steps and all he could was watch as Erin was wheeled inside, fighting for her life as the medical team poked and prodded her as they worked to save her life.
"Jay." Jay barely registered Will calling his name, still watching the double door that had Erin behind it like he could see through it if he tried hard enough. "Jay!" Will placed his hand on Jay's shoulder gently to get his attention but Jay was still caught up in his mind to pay attention. "Come on," Will called gently, pulling his brother back away from the door. Will frowned with worry when he noticed Jay shaking in his thin t-shirt, his hands covered in Erin's blood. "Let's get you cleaned up."
It was like moving around a rag doll for Will as he dragged Jay to the nearby restroom to wash up. Jay was like a robot, completely silent as he washed his hands and the water turned red from Erin's blood as it swirled down the drain. The water was scalding hot and Jay scrubbed and scrubbed harshly, his hands turning red from the action.
"Ok, I think that's enough," Will said softly and he reached over to turn the water off. Jay didn't move, instead he gripped the sink tightly until his hands turned white, head down and he was panting. Will was taken off-guard when his demeanor changed suddenly and Jay slammed his down on the sink, a loud noise resonating through the otherwise quiet restroom.
"Fuck!" Jay shouted, anger spewing out of him and he slammed his fist into the towel dispenser repeatedly. Will moved quickly to hold Jay back as his brother continued to take his anguish out on the innocent object. "Fuck! Damn it!"
"Hey! Calm down man!" Jay became the opposite of the rag doll then. Now he was the epitome of an angry bull, filled with rage and fear, ready to take his anger out on anything and everything.
"One minute!" Jay shouted, voice cracking. "Just one minute earlier and she wouldn't be like this!" The sound of anguish in Jay's voice broke Will's heart. It was obvious that Jay blamed himself, whether it was deserved or not.
"Come on, Jay," Will tried again. "Don't do this okay? You got to her in time. She's still alive right? She wouldn't want you to do this."
"I should've figured it out earlier," Jay uttered, voice small with blame—blame on himself. "I was too late." He turned to Will, eyes red with tears threatening to fall. "The way she hit the ground when she fell," he couldn't continue his words, the harrowing image of Erin falling to the ground replaying over and over in his head. Instead he dropped his head on Will's shoulder, his brother's arms coming around him in comfort. "If she doesn't wake up."
"She will!" Will refuted. "It's Erin and she's strong. You know it, I know it. She's going to be fine." Will lifted Jay's head to look him straight in the eyes, trying his best to break through the grief of his brother. "She'll be fine and she's going to need you. So you can't go around taking your anger out on random object and hurting yourself okay?"
Jay didn't reply, just breathing hard to calm himself down. He just nodded stiffly when Will suggested going back out to the waiting room.
The waiting room was already filled with his team when Jay made his way back out, worried and scared faces studying him. They all decided to keep quiet about his hands, which were red and getting more swollen by the minute. He didn't bother saying anything, instead just opting to take a seat away from the group. He didn't want eyes on him nor did he want some useless words about how it was going to be okay. Nobody knew that for sure and he didn't want to hear platitudes right now. He had seen people become brain dead from less traumatic injury than what he saw Erin went through. Falling out of the second story and hitting her head on the ground, Jay didn't want his mind to go there but the words brain dead was running through his mind.
It was like torture waiting for any sort of news about Erin, each second ticked by so slowly as he sat rigid in the uncomfortable chair, unmoving as he waited for Connor to come out with an update. The pain that course through his hands as he had them in a tight fist was welcomed, it was his own punishment for not getting to Erin on time. He failed her and he deserved to be in pain.
There were conversations around him and he half-heartedly listened as his team filled Will in on what had happened. New information of how Stan was planning on making the whole house explode with a gas leak and how Erin had saved Jenny's life made their way to him. But that was not the information he wanted, what he desperately needed to hear. What he needed was for Connor to walk through those doors with a smile on his face and tell him that Erin was going to okay, all she'd need is a few weeks of bed rest. Erin would gripe and complain about being stuck in bed and she would pout when Jay would inevitably hover over her, smother her with attention but he'd cherish the grumpiest grumpy Erin because at least she'd be okay. That was all he wanted to hear at this moment.
"Coffee?" He shook his head, declining Kim's offer as she carried a cup holder filled with coffee cups. Even Voight had stiffly accepted her offer as he sat across the room, just as silent as Jay had been while they waited with bated breath and heads snapping up with hope every time they heard footsteps thinking it was Dr. Rhodes. He saw Voight received several calls during the past couple of hours they've been waiting, the Sergeant's face becoming dark whenever he saw the caller I.D and he didn't even bother to pick up the calls. Instead Jay felt Voight gazed over at him several times whenever the phone rang.
Finally after what felt like years, Connor walked through the door, a serious look on his face. Jay jumped up out of his seat and reached the doctor in quick strides, eyes pleading with him to give him good news. "How's Erin?"
Dr. Rhodes held up his hands to quiet the group and their clamors of how Erin was doing down. "The bullet was lodged in her thigh but we managed to get it out with minimal damage. She had a couple of deep lacerations that we stitched up and those will heal in time. She also had mild hypothermia from being in the cold so long. But those are the least of her worries right now," Connor explained, taking a deep breath before continuing. "We took a CT scan and an X-Ray and the results showed that she doesn't have any major injury to her spine. She was very lucky in that aspect." Jay let out a small breath of relief at that news but his relief didn't last long as he studied Connor's face and saw the hesitant look.
"What about her head?" Voight asked, worry evident in his question.
Connor took a deep breath, almost like he was bracing himself to lay bad news on them and Jay's heart was beating out of his chest. He needed to hear the words right away—good or bad—he'd rather the bandage be ripped off instead of it being dragged out. "She suffered a pretty severe head injury when she landed on the ground. Now head injuries are always hard to tell and they can vary from one person to another. We've packed her head with ice to get the swelling to go down before we can run some more tests on her head. But all you need to know right now is that her brain is still showing brain activity so that's the best news you could get right now."
Jay released a shaky breath. Erin was still with them, her body and her mind. "So what happens next?"
"We wait," Connor replied. "Like I said, her brain is still showing strong signs of activity so that's good. At this point, we're trying to get the swelling to go down so we can release the pressure in her brain and then we'll run some more tests, a few more X-rays, CT scan and a MRI."
"When is she going to wake up?" Voight asked and Jay just knew that his Sergeant was flashing back to the last time he had a child in the hospital bed, Justin not making it as a result, the pain of losing a child too great to truly forget.
"It's really unknown at this point," Connor replied. Jay looked at him confused, heart dropping.
"But you said that there's brain activity," Jay stammered out, words quickly rushing out in worry. "That…that means that she'll wake up for sure right?"
Jay hated the look on Connor's face, filled with pity as the doctor contemplated on how to best drop the news. "As I said, brain injuries are difficult because it can be really random and can vary from one person to another. I can't make any guarantee at this point. I'm sorry." Jay huffed, hands going to his hips as he took in the news. There was no way that Erin not waking up could be a possibility. She had to wake up. She had her whole life to live. "All we can do right now is to take it one step at a time. We're going to do everything we can to help her okay?" Connor looked at the devastated looks on the faces, feeling horrible to be one delivering the news. "Listen, Erin is young and she's a strong healthy woman. She has her best fighting chance to come out of this." He sighed, his words of reassurance not doing much to comfort the group. He just smiled tightly, knowing there was nothing he could do or say that could make things better right now, not unless he had a miracle way of waking Erin up and while he was a good doctor, he was no miracle worker. He couldn't go around making promises that he couldn't keep, a tidbit his attending doctor drilled into his head during his internship.
"Can we see her?"
Connor shook his head at Olivia. "Not just yet. We still need to run some more tests on her before we can get her settled into ICU. Then maybe in a couple of hours, we can start letting you in, one by one."
Jay fell onto his chair when Connor left after giving them an update. Jay dropped his face into his hands, tears threatening to fall at the news that Erin may not wake up. He couldn't breathe, every inhale he took was sharp and every exhale he let out was shaky. He was trying his best from completely breaking down in the waiting room, not wanting anyone else to see him crumble into pieces. He needed to be strong for Erin, she would need him as she recovered. He needed to keep faith that she'd be fine, that she would wake up.
"Hey," Will patted Jay's shoulder. "It's going to be okay. You heard Connor, she still has strong brain activity. That's good." Jay just nodded, letting Will's words of comfort and reassurance sink in. Erin would be fine, she had to be.
Jay sat, arms crossed across his chest, as he stared at a spot on the wall. A lone black dot on the large white wall. Maybe it was a stain or it was just some random mark but even though it was tiny compared to the size of the wall itself, it stood out, marring the otherwise pristine whiteness of the space and drawing his attention to it. His eyes focused on it as the hours went by, no new updates of Erin coming from the medical staff, as he waited to see Erin.
For some reason, that black dot made Jay angry the longer he stared at it. How dare such a tiny mark make such a big impact on something so clean and pure? How can what was supposed to be a random blip in Erin's life can turn her world upside down? Yates was supposed to be just another criminal, just another serial killer that they need to catch, another name on their arrest records before moving onto another name. But instead, Yates had turned their lives upside down. He had torn Erin's life apart. He was the black dot on Erin's white wall. A random mark that demanded attention until it was all you can see. First he had taken Nadia from Erin that had led to Erin almost completely losing herself and then he had manipulated his sick son and now Erin was left fighting for her life. Suddenly a round of bullets didn't seem enough of a justice for Jay, Stan's death too fast for him to felt any real pain. No, the psycho needed to feel the pain and torture his victims did instead Jay had delivered him a quick death, a merciful one in Jay's books.
Voight's phone buzzed again and Jay stared from his side eyes as the older man huffed and turned the ringing off, ignoring the call again. He glanced over Jay and caught his inquiring eyes and he just shook his head. If Voight wasn't going to share who had been calling him constantly since he had gotten to the hospital then Jay was more than happy to be going back to his thoughts while they waited for the okay to see Erin.
He heard Voight sighed before saying, "That's IAD calling." Jay turned his head over to his Sergeant, eyebrows raised in confusion, waiting for him to elaborate. "Since the case got high profile since we got the public in on it, they want to close it as fast as possible," Voight explained, eyes focused on Jay. "They want your statement about what happened on the ground earlier, about the rounds of your bullets in Stan."
"I killed that psycho because he was about to kill Erin. That's what happened," Jay replied, a chill in his voice.
Voight nodded. "I get that. But you know IAD. They've been bugging me to make sure you go in to Ivory Tower so they can investigate. 24 hours. You know the drill."
Jay glared at Voight. "I'm not going anywhere until Erin wakes up." There was no way that he would be leaving Erin so he can give some bullshit statement to the freaking IAD. He did nothing wrong as far as he was concerned. The bastard had kidnapped Erin, held her hostage and was about to shoot her before Jay had shot him. If IAD had a problem with that then they can all go to hell. Voight didn't reply, probably already expecting the answer from Jay, instead just crossing his arms as the two of them resumed their waiting in complete silence.
"Sergeant Voight. Detective Halstead," Jay's head snapped up at hearing his name and saw the Commander standing over them, unhappy look on his face.
"Commander Rawley," Voight greeted, sounding as happy as a kid that was about to go to a dentist. "What do we owe for this pleasure?" The Commander gave Voight a pointed look before directing his attention back to Jay, who was ignoring his superior. Jay knew what he was there for and all Jay knew was that this Commander made a trip for nothing if he was expecting Jay to leave Erin's side.
"Detective Halstead," Commander Rawley started, staring down Jay. "You are expected at the Ivory Tower right away so you can be properly investigated for the shooting of Stanley Rappaport. You need to give your statement so we can make a decision on whether the shooting was justified or it was excessive."
Jay's anger surged at his words and he stood up, staring the Commander down. "You're kidding right?" Jay sneered. "Excessive? You need to investigate to know whether it was justified to shoot the psychopath that kidnapped and that was about kill a police officer? You're out of your freaking mind."
The Commander didn't look happy at Jay's words and he sucked in a harsh breath. "Now Detective, I'm asking you nicely to make your way down to the tower."
"I'm not going anywhere," Jay retorted. "You want a statement? You want a report? Then here." He cocked his hands on his hips, eyes blazing with rage as he stared at the Commander. "Stan Rappaport had already murdered six people and injured many others. He killed a Chicago police officer and kidnapped another Detective and another innocent woman. He was about to shoot a police officer after kidnapping her so I shot him before he could, several times. And he deserved each and every one of those bullets."
"Halstead!" Jay brushed off Voight's warning in the back.
"And if you ask me if I would do it again then I'd say fuck yes, in a heartbeat." Jay finished, eyes remaining steady on the Commander. "There's your fucking statement."
"Detective Halstead!" Commander Rawley barked, getting angry. "Watch how you speak to your superior! I'm giving you one more chance to get your ass down to the tower or so help me, I will strip you of your badge right here!" he threatened.
Jay snatched his badge that clipped to him and slammed it in the Commander's chest roughly. "You think I care about my badge right now?" Jay exploded, face turning red in anger. "The woman I love is fighting for her life right now and you expect me to leave her side to give some bullshit statement about whether or not killing a psychopath that tortured and murdered people was justified? Fuck off!"
He felt himself being pulled back by Antonio and Kevin, the two offering apologies and explanations to the Commander for his sake but Jay didn't care about that at the moment. He was too far gone in his fury and rage to worry about saving his job at the moment. It didn't matter to him, they could take his badge, they could take everything from him and he didn't care.
"Come on Halstead. Just breathe man!" Antonio urged, trying to calm Jay that was struggling in their tight hold down. "You don't want to do this man." Antonio tried again, knowing Jay wasn't listening to reasons at this point.
"Is that your final answer Detective?" the Commander questioned one last time, holding Jay's badge in his hands. Jay stopped fighting against Antonio and Kevin's hold to look at the Commander, not even looking at his badge that was in someone else's hands.
"I'm not going anywhere," he stated each syllable clearly so the man in front of him knew exactly where he stood. "I'm not leaving Erin's side until she wakes up. You want to take my badge from me for doing that? Then go ahead." Jay shrugged. "Erin comes first."
The Commander kept his eyes on Jay for a minute, the look of unwavering determination and stubbornness on Jay's face convinced him enough to put Jay's badge in his pocket and he left the waiting room. Jay glanced around, panting heavily to calm himself down, and saw the shocked faces of his team, unable to believe what just happened and he dropped back down to his seat, exhausted both mentally and physically. The silence in the room was deafening, everyone too in shock at the fact that Jay had just lost his badge. But he didn't care about anything else at that moment, the only thing that mattered to him was that he wasn't leaving Erin's side until she woke up—there was no way in hell he was going to leave her side—he was going to do everything in his power to make sure that this time she wouldn't be waking up alone. He'd be the first face she'd see when she woke up, there by her side to reassure her that everything would be alright. He'd make sure of it.