oOo

BRB

Aziraphale stopped.

He pulled back his hand.

He wasn't ready.

It wasn't that he'd changed his mind, or anything like that. It wasn't that with the moment upon him, fear had taken over and halted him in his tracks. No, it was nothing like that. It really wasn't. The Angel still had every intention of going through with this. This was the only thing they could do. It was the only way he could keep Crowley safe.

But he had realised, in that moment just before the three-count fell, that there was something he had to do first. Something he wanted to do as himself. If anything happened, if things didn't work out quite the way that they expected, the way that they hoped… He just had something he needed to do.

"Wait."

Crowley bobbed his head uncertainly.

"What?"

"I…" Aziraphale wrung his hands. This shouldn't be so hard. After all the things he had done, why was this so difficult?

"Angel? What's up?"

Aziraphale took a breath and steadied himself. He closed his eyes, and when he opened them again locked them firmly on Crowley.

"I have something I have to say," he said in a carefully measured tone. "Something that I should have said a long time ago, really. Suppose I've been putting it off, what with one thing and another. But now I don't think I really can put it off any longer. Might not be able to. In case -"

"Nah nahnahno no no no no no. None of that, angel." Crowley interjected, shaking his head and refusing to meet Aziraphale's eye. "S'no ' in case '. In case nothing. Everything'll be fine. We've got it planned out. Don't go nn-mm-ngn all - you know - don't get all, you know - just…" He looked at Aziraphale with pleading eyes. "Don't."

"Crowley, please, I -"

"No! Tell me after. Whatever it is, you can tell me after. I promise. When we've dealt with all of them, and everything's all, you know… ngk… After. 'Kay? Right. Good."

"No, it is not okay, Crowley!" Aziraphale snapped, more harshly than he had intended.

The Demon flinched.

"I'm sorry, Crowley."

"Ngk. Don't be sorry. It's fine. Just don't do it. Just wait until we've sorted all of this, and then after, then we can talk about whatever -"

"No, I'm sorry . That's… That's what I needed to say. I'm sorry."

Crowley's eyebrows drew together and he shook his head.

"Why? For what?"

"For -" Aziraphale stared at his hands palm up in his lap, as though he could read an easier answer in them. He sighed. Now or never. Maybe. "For… for being such a fool . For not treating as you deserve to be treated. For not…"

Crowley began to wave away Aziraphale's concerns but the Angel would have none of it.

"I have been a terrible friend, Crowley."

"Angel, you are being ridiculous -"

"I've lied to you, and not trusted you, and I've said such awful, horrible things to you, and -"

"What? Like what?"

Aziraphale blanched. "I… I told you that we weren't friends. That I didn't like you. That the- that the very idea of us…running away together… was ridiculous."

Crowley's mouth formed a hard line. He was silent for a few moments.

"But you were right. About…" He grimaced. "...About running away together. Terrible idea. Disaster of an idea. You were right."

"I wasn't right, Crowley. Or, well, it was right not to run away, ultimately. But the, the, the idea of it - I… I implied that the very concept was- wasn't- I implied that I didn't want to."

Crowley made a strangled noise in the back of his throat.

"I handled it all terribly. Everything. Even before all of this . I thought I was protecting you, but all I was doing was, was-" Aziraphale shook his head, sadly. "So much could have been avoided, had I just- had I been more-"

"But it all worked out in the end, didn't it? Sort of? No harm, no foul, and all that?" Crowley wasn't doing a very good job of sounding nonchalant, although he was trying very hard.

"Crowley, you know that's not even remotely close to being anywhere near true. And even if it were, that's not the point. The reason I behaved so… I didn't do the things I did because I knew that they would…" The Angel sighed. "I should have trusted you."

"Ah, nah… Nngnmmngn… Nah. No. Probably not a good idea, trusting me. Don't want to go around trusssting demons. I don't- it's not- I get it. Don't worry about it. Bessst decision really, not trusting me. I'm-"

"But I do trust you, Crowley. Implicitly."

The Demon huffed; a sound that could have been a restrained laugh, but could equally have been a restrained sob.

"I've trusted you for a long time," Aziraphale continued. "Or, rather, I've known that I could trust you. I just didn't let myself. Didn't want to, I suppose. Didn't want to admit that I trusted a Demon far more than any Angel I'd met. More than anyone, in fact. I think, perhaps, that that frightened me. Not only because of what Demons are supposed to be, but I- I suppose I couldn't trust myself to trust you. Not because of you , but- If I let myself trust you, then… Well. Safer just to not."

Crowley remained silent.

"Bit beyond safe now though, so that's rather a redundant concern." Aziraphale smiled very, very sadly. "I am sorry for that, Crowley. For all of it. I'm sorry that we're in this… this mess . You deserve better . Don't shake your head at me, you do . I know you don't like me saying it, and I do tease you terribly at times, but please know that I mean it when I say this, Crowley: You are a genuinely good person . Not angelically good. You are so much better than that. ...No doubt that is an incredibly blasphemous thing to believe. Gabriel can add that to my list of sins."

Chasing away the habituated clouds of worry and doubt, a flash of anger lit up Aziraphale's face like the first lightning bolts over Eden.

"And damn him for it. Damn the lot of them! I think it's blasphemous to deny goodness just because you have found it somewhere that someone else has decided it ought not to be! I don't care if you are a Demon, Crowley. You are the nicest, dearest, cleverest, best person I know. You are a Good Demon . ...The precise theological and eschatological ramifications of that are persisting in eluding me, but I've come to the point where frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. You have been a good friend to me, Crowley. The best, in fact. Far, far better than I deserve. And, no matter what happens next, I have been, and shall always be yours ."

The Angel took a breath. He'd gotten a little more impassioned there than he had planned. But he meant it, he meant every word. It felt so freeing to finally get that off of his chest, Heaven be damned.

"That's all I wanted to say," Aziraphale finished. "That I'm sorry." He fiddled with the winged ring on his little finger. "And that, I suppose, when it comes down to it, you see, the thing is, Crowley, you really ought to know that I really rather love-"

Crowley, who had up until this moment been completely silent to the point of forgetting to breathe, cut the Angel off with a hiss.

"Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssstttppptttt! Yup! Right. Mmnnmn'kay. Ngk. Um."

Clearing his throat, Crowley tried to drop the pitch of his voice back down to its usual octave.

"I, uh, uh, uh… nngnkgn… I jusssssssssssssssst have to…" Crowley swallowed, eyes wide, shaking his head rapidly. "I think I left the oven on. BRB."

With that, the Good Demon leapt to his feet and bolted from the room, nearly tripping over the coffee table in his haste. From somewhere in the hall, Aziraphale heard a door slam.

The Angel put his hands primly on his knees.

"That went well," he muttered to himself.

Then he frowned.

"...What's bee are bee ?"