Chapter 24.
By the time Cas had left his car, Sarah was coming down the path towards him. He had never been able to hide his feelings from her and she took one look at his face and pulled him into a hug. He clung to her, knowing that angels did not need hugs, but feeling a powerful need for that one.
"You look terrible." she said, stepping back, "What's happened?"
"The mind curse is getting worse." he said, "And I probably caused it. Dean is getting desperate to find ways to keep me out of his head and Sam and Jack think they have a solution using talismans made by someone called Rhydian. If he's some kind of alchemist or sorceror, I have never heard of him."
"Have you met a lot of that kind?" she asked.
"No." he said.
"Then you shouldn't worry about the name not being known to you. Sam and Jack know where to find all those things. Do they think there's a good chance of success?"
"Yes, they seem very hopeful." said Cas.
"You seem very lost and sad. Do you want to come and talk about it?"
"No. I need focus. I need to concentrate on the bees for a while. It's not that I don't want to talk to you, it's just that I am hearing music right now and feeling ... " He stopped talking. What was he feeling?
"Castiel?" said Sarah. She took his arm. "My dear, what is it?"
"Dean's happy." said Cas. He smiled. "He's laughing. He's genuinely happy."
"That's good, isn't it?"
"It's wonderful," he said, "But I have no right to witness it. I need to stop this. I need to meditate. I need the bees."
"They'll be glad to help." she said.
"It's just so hard to turn away from this."
"Of course it is." she said.
"And if the talismans work, this will be the last time."
"When you said you might have caused this, did you mean because you want it?" she asked.
Cas closed his eyes. He was still feeling Dean's sudden happiness and wanted to stay in that feeling, but it was wrong, intrusive and voyeuristic. He opened his eyes and ran around the side of the house.
As soon as he got around the corner, the bees started to gather. He closed his eyes again and wandered slowly, feeling their buzzing going through and around him, fixing his mind on that sound and making himself relinquish his hold on the feelings that were not his. He felt their loss. It hurt to let them go, even more so when he knew the link should soon be closed forever. His mind was reeling.
For a moment, losing Dean's emotions felt like losing Dean. He knew he could get them back. He only had to turn his attention back there. Forcing himself to turn away instead, to anchor his consciousness in the music of the bees, was intensely painful, but then it was done and his mind was clear of external influence and he sunk thankfully into the pure, golden energy of the combsmiths.
The bees, as always, seemed aware of his pain. They surrounded him with their powerful vibrations, giving him strength and confidence, even as they granted him that focus. Peace flooded his being. He felt safe, as he always did around the bees. They wanted nothing from him. They had no rules for him to break, no rules that could break him. Their love for him was simple, uncomplicated and offered freely. He and they had the same purpose, to turn light into goodness, to store and protect what mattered.
All names, every one of them, even his own, fell away for a moment. Past and future were meaningless. There was only his place in the work and the gentle support of these fellow labourers. He walked in circles, eyes closed, but not feeling at all limited by the lack of vision. They called to him, guiding him, soothing him.
Then the names and words and thoughts that meant something to him returned, slowly and gently. He was Castiel. Sarah was watching somewhere off to the side. Dean, somewhere else, might still be happy, but that was not for him to share. He had some of his cool, angelic detachment back.
He opened his eyes and looked across to Sarah, who was watching him with tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry." he said, "I didn't mean to be so abrupt."
"I understand." she said, "You seemed lost and sad. You needed some time with the girls. Are you feeling better now?"
"More ordered." he said, "I'm more in control."
"You really don't want to end the mind link, do you, dear?"
"This just makes it very clear that I have to. It was by choice that I stayed with his thoughts."
"You found him happy. Of course you wanted to linger in that."
"Yes, it's a perfectly natural and utterly selfish desire. I just hope he remained unaware of the intrusion."
She came over and took his hands in hers. "The need of one soul for another is not something you have to explain or excuse." she said, "Dean is your brother, as much as Sam is his."
"Sarah," he said, "Your tolerance for the whining of an angel who is wholly responsible for his own troubles has always been immense. Sam will soon call and I will have to go back and act as if I want the talisman that will sever my mind from Dean's. I can do that. I will do that. But it would help a lot if I could just spend the intervening time talking to someone who can be trusted with the terrible truth, that I would give almost anything not to be healed of this curse."
"In this house, my dear, you can be honest without fear. I'll never judge you."
"And never, ever tell Dean I didn't hate the curse as much as he did?"
"I think, to be honest, you hate it exactly as much as he does." she said, "But he won't hear anything about it from me. You two can sort that out for yourselves." She started to draw him towards the house. "Let's talk now, Castiel."
"I'd like that." he said.