The silence when she stops speaking is almost unbearable and Billana forces herself to look at the Company, wondering if by talking of her past she has just signed her own death warrant. She has dared to call these dwarves friends, but what friend would feel anything other than disgust at the madness she allowed to consume her? What friend would accept the things that she did and allowed to happen? She stands, ready to run if she needs to though she doubts she will get far.
She does not expect Balin's hand to slide into hers from his position next to her. Nor does she expect to see the wet shine of Gloin's eyes when she dares to look at him, or the way that his beard is obviously wet with tears. She doesn't expect the heartache that she sees so clearly on Fili and Kili's faces, or the guilt that has crept into Fili's gaze as he looks at her. She sees how Ori and Dori cling to one another, hears Dwalin murmuring promises to Nori as he holds the thief in place that he will help deliver retribution on her behalf. She doesn't expect Bombur and Bifur to look so sad, or for Bofur to look almost lost, for Oin to be so silent and still, as though he has heard every word she has said even though his ear trumpet has been lost to him.
Most of all, however, she is taken aback by Thorin's reaction.
"You are a true friend, Billana," he says, struggling to his feet, "that you would take such a risk humbles me."
"I don't understand," she whispers.
"I know what it is to fear the loss of myself," Thorin tells her in a low voice, "many in my line have been overcome by some madness or another and I fear that one day I will face the same trial. You have faced that fear with far more grace than I, and you have overcome it. It is an honour that you would choose us, Billana." He looks at Balin and something passes between them in that moment.
"Who was your mother, before she married your step-father?" Balin asks her, his hand drifting to his pocket.
"She was a Took," Billana replies in confusion. "Belladonna Took."
"It is not right," Balin says firmly, "that you carry the name of one who mistreated you so, one who would cast a grieving child into the snow to her death. Bungo Baggins was no father to you and you should not be forced to carry the remembrance of him with you in his name. We would suggest that you honour your mother, cast aside the painful reminder of your past and walk the world as Billana Took with your head held high."
Billana stares at him, lost for words. All her life she has been told that being Belladonna's daughter, having no idea of the true identity of her father, was a thing she should carry with shame, that it was a terrible thing. She knows that Kili once told her that his people care little about such things, but hearing it from him once and hearing it now from Balin as the others mutter their approval is almost too much. To hear her secret dream put voice to and accepted without thought or question is more than she could have hoped for.
"I would name you dwarf-friend, Billana Took," Thorin says, his voice so warm and full of approval that she trembles.
"I-" she glances at Gandalf, who nods, "I don't know what to say." Thorin takes her into his arms gently, as much for her sake as his own she suspects.
"You need not say anything," he breathes, "When we are some place safe and clean we will see to the ceremony. Balin will instruct you on how it is done."
He releases her and suddenly it is all too much. She stumbles away from her friends, running into the trees as tears blind her and stream down her cheeks, stopping only when she reaches the river. Billana sinks to her knees on the bank and sobs. They should hate her and fear her. They should be disgusted by the thing that she allowed herself to become. She hardly knows what to do with their reaction.
"Oh, Kitten," she hears Fili say as his coat settles over her. It is thick and warm, a familiar comfort that she clings to.
"Am I?" She whispers. "Am I really still your 'Kitten'?" She wants to believe it; she wants it to be true and to know that his opinion of her hasn't changed. Fili and Kili are her friends, she's never had friends like them, not even the twins, and the thought that she might lose them hurts more than she can put words to.
"Of course you are," he assures her as he eases down next to her, as uncaring about the dirt beneath them as she is. "Should that have changed? Should I call you something else?" She shrugs helplessly, meeting his eyes in the light of the setting sun and able to see his concern clearly. He sighs. "Nothing will change that, Billana, no secret that you carry will change the fact that you are that pretty kitten who crawled in with us before we left the Shire. The only thing that can change that is a word from you. I understand your doubt and I owe you an apology for actions of my own that contributed to it. I never should have told Kili to take you away," she makes a noise of protest and he hushes her softly, tucking tangled curls back behind her ear. "Let me finish," he breathes. "I only wanted to keep you safe, and I should have known that you'd already made the decision to stay, but the thought of seeing you die made me abandon all thought of what my request might have seemed to be in your eyes. Hearing what was done to you, hearing that you were forced from your home in your time of grief and need makes what I tried to do all the worse."
"You don't need to apologise," she replies, she had already forgiven him for trying to send her to safety when he had clung to her on top of the Carrock. "I didn't give you any reason to think that I could keep myself safe or that I would be an asset to the situation. I kept so many secrets. I did things you should hate me for."
"You survived," Fili tells her, "and I think you've endured far more than you've told any of us. Gandalf was wrong to say that you have lost your gentle spirit," he slips an arm around her shoulders to pull her against him, running his fingers through her curls absently. "You would need to be blind to miss how gentle your heart is. That it has been tempered by hardship is nothing to be ashamed of, Kitten." Her cheeks heat in a blush and she hums, feeling the comfort in the way his hand moves through her hair.
"Mama used to do this," she whispers, lacking a better response to his words. "When I was upset as a child, she would comb my hair. I miss it." Fili's hand stills. "Hair doesn't mean much to hobbits," she shrugs, tilting her face so that she can look at him. Fili's embarrassment is clear. "Mostly it's just a mess that gets in the way. I won't tell, though," she assures him with a smile, and he gives her a gentle one in return. It fades quickly, however, when she worries at her lower lip with her teeth. "What if it happens again?" She asks suddenly. "What if I forget who I am again?"
"You won't," he says firmly. "You were alone then, Billana, you will not be again." His words are a promise that she doesn't quite understand, but she leans against him all the same, drawing comfort in the strength of his arm around her, though his fingers do not return to her hair the way that she wishes they would.
The two of them sit quietly for a while as the sun finally sets and night falls. After a time, however, Billana gets to her feet with a sigh. Her thoughts and emotions are still tumultuous, but it is time to go back and face the others. Fili offers her a hand with an encouraging smile and she accepts it, taking a deep breath before beginning to walk back to camp, his hand clasped tightly in hers.
"We saved you two some fish," Bofur greets them with a warm smile. "Can't let our hobbit go hungry, can we?" She tenses, waiting for a sharp comment about the secret she has shared, but Bofur simply hands them their food with a wink.
That, it seems, is all the reaction she is to get from the dwarves. Only Kili reacts any differently and that is only to press his head to hers briefly with a relieved smile. It is while she is eating that she begins to understand what has happened. It isn't so much that they aren't mentioning her past, it is simply that they have accepted it and have decided that there is no need to draw more attention to it. It happened and has been dealt with and they are not hobbits who fear the unexplained. Actions, she realises as she recalls Kili's words to her outside her rundown smial, really do carry more meaning for dwarves.
"I am sorry, Billana," Gandalf says a while later. "I had no idea how bad things were for you. I should have investigated further."
"And what would you have done with me if you had?" She sighs. "We both know that you have bigger responsibilities." She shakes her head. "Just promise me one thing?"
"If it is within my power," the wizard nods.
"If it happens again, if I lose myself again, don't turn me back."
"I do not believe it will happen again, my dear," Gandalf replies, unconsciously uttering the same assurance as Fili. "Grief and misery do strange things to a mind, Billana, and that is something I should have accounted for."
She stares at him, unable to believe the conclusion he had drawn without knowing or considering all of the facts. For years she has lived with the fear of losing herself to an animal form and now he is telling her that fear might well have been unfounded. Telling her tale, however, as well as her confusion over the dwarves reactions, has left her too drained to do more than roll her eyes and sigh.
"I'm going to sleep," she tells Kili, who is scowling at Gandalf coldly.
"Sleep well, Kundith," he says softly.
She doesn't.
Her dreams are plagued by memories and regrets that she had believed she had put to one side. She stirs frequently, not quite waking but not really asleep either, vaguely aware of the others talking around her. The sound of Fili and Kili's voices, the tender way that Kili calls her 'kundith' as he assures her that she is safe and the warmth of their words chase away the dreams for a short time, but when they fall silent the nightmares return. Finally, she feels fingers in her hair, feels the firmness of a chest beneath her hands and her nose fills with steel and leather and, impossibly, old parchment. Balin. She sleeps soundly after that.
Billana wakes before dawn, warm and comfortable in a way that she can only recall being a handful of times in the past. Balin snores next to her, and a glance at the hand which rests on her hip tells her that Fili and Kili are nearby. Nature's call, however, reminds her of why she woke, and she crawls out of her warm spot.
"Don't go far, lass," she hears Dwalin say. He is sat on a log near to the last remaining embers of the fire, his face watchful and tired. "The mages were too spent for the wards they'll be too tired to look for you should you lose your way." She waves to indicate that she has heard him and disappears into the trees.
Business is taken care of quickly and her mind turns to the river with it. She needs to wash; she was one of the only ones who didn't get a chance the day before and she can still feel dried blood from both herself and the orcs on her skin. A cold scrub with river sand sounds better than walking around coated in filth and the water is too cold to cause her to have any desire to linger. Billana washes quickly and as best she can with what she has available, mourning the lack of a blanket or towel to dry herself with as she drips her way towards her clothes. There isn't time to wait for her skin to dry fully, though the warmth of summer is enough that she hardly shivers even this early in the day, and she cringes at the feeling of dry clothing on wet skin.
"Feeling better, lass?" She hears Balin ask from the trees. She makes a noise of surprise and nods. "It's not safe to be alone out here," he reminds her, "and you're as spent as the rest of us."
He is right, of course, and she apologises as she approaches him. He waves it away with a smile.
"Can I ask you something?" She says as they return to camp. Balin nods. "You've all accepted it but – doesn't what I did worry you?" Balin halts.
"We have a saying: 'Beware the lady warrior, for they are as deadly as they are beautiful,'" he replies and shrugs. "It sounds better in Khuzdul," he admits. "I told you a couple of weeks ago that you're stronger than you realise. Your actions proved me right and they showed that to all of us. I would say our little adage is very accurate where you're concerned."
"I'm hardly beautiful, Balin," she objects. "And I'm no warrior."
"I would challenge any dwarf in our Company to say you were not beautiful in the moment you ripped that orc's throat out," Balin chuckles.
"I was a wolf!"
"Are you saying an animal cannot be beautiful?" He asks and she shakes her head. "Then take my word for it, and if you won't accept mine, take Kili's. I couldn't help but notice his new name for you." She looks at him blankly. "Kundith means 'little wolf' in our tongue. I imagine he chose it for much the same reasons as Fili has take to calling you 'Kitten'."
"I didn't think it meant anything," she shrugs. It takes a lot to stamp down on the coldness that fills her at the thought of Kili calling her 'little wolf'. She knows he doesn't mean any harm by it, in fact the warmth in his voice when he has said it assures her of the opposite, but the wolf has always been a source of fear for her. She could tell him to stop, and she knows that he would even if he would be hurt by the request, but she will not. She doesn't want to keep fearing that part of her, the dwarves obviously don't and perhaps they have the right of it.
Balin is giving her an odd look and she tilts her head at him. He merely huffs and shakes his with a mutter of something she has no chance of understanding.
"We better get back," he says rather than continuing their conversation. "Thorin was making noise about moving on, and I dread to think of what scheme the wizard has come up with this time."
A.N: I really struggled with this the last couple of days. Billana was a bit of a rabbit in the lamplight in this one. I pretty much just let them all do their thing and rolled with it.
The dwarf adage is a reworking of a quote from Protector of the Small, another series set in the same universe as The Immortals