Author's note: Writing these really depresses me. But I powered through.
Shepard stood in the comm room. It was the day after Therum, and Shepard needed to report to the council. He stood in front of three holographic representations of them: Tevos, Sparatus, and Valern.
He hated listening to them lecture him. "What do you mean the site was destroyed?" demanded Sparatus.
"What do you think it means? The site imploded in on itself during the battle. The mission came first."
"You are right commander," Valern stated, "the mission does come first. But do not make it a habit of destruction if it can be avoided." Finally, at least someone agreed with him.
"Well commander, did you at least learn anything from Benezia's daughter?" Tevos asked.
The commander nodded his head. "Yes, and no." He took a breath before explaining. "Unfortunately, she won't be any help in finding either her mother or Saren." The turian snarled in disgust, interrupting Shepard; another human failure.
Shepard waited for Sparatus to finish before continuing. "However, she was able to provide insight into Saren's allies: the reapers."
"And what did you find?" Valern asked, genuinely curious.
"They are most likely responsible for wiping out the protheans fifty thousand years ago. Saren is working with them now and is trying to bring them back. If Eden Prime is any indication of what one reaper can do, I believe the council should worry about what an entire army's worth can do. He seems to be searching for a "conduit" to bring more, but still hasn't found it."
Sparatus waved his hand through the air as if that could reduce the validity of Shepard's findings. "Impossible. If these so-called reapers existed, why haven't they shown themselves already? You have no evidence to prove your assertions. The reapers are probably a creation of geth origin."
"Commander, you are a council spectre. While your mission remains to hunt Saren, your purpose remains to protect the galaxy, however you see fit. If the reapers are a real threat and are working with Saren, then it is your job to stop them," Tevos added.
Before the conversation ended, Tevos had one last question for the commander. "And what of Benezia's daughter?"
"She's here, on the ship. We've already determined that she is not working with her mother or Saren. She'll remain here as our expert on the protheans, as I remain convinced that they are linked to the reapers."
"You could have a traitor on your ship commander," Sparatus warned.
"Enough," Tevos interrupted. "It's his ship and his command. Report back to us as soon as you have any new news."
Shepard nodded his head.
"And good luck commander," Valern added before the hologram winked out. "As I'm sure you know, it is dangerous out there."
Now, the room feel quiet. Shepard just stood there with his hands at his sides. And then he started punching one of the comm room walls out of anger. He hated his life. Orders, orders, and more orders. His only problem was that he had nothing better to do. Except, they had told him he could basically do whatever he wanted. He made the choices from here on out. If he didn't want to hunt Saren or stop the reapers he didn't have to. Shepard stopped punching the wall for a second, as he suddenly realized something: if he didn't stop them, who would? Except, this thought was strange to him; he hated the galaxy, why did he care if it was destroyed? But absolute extinction, it just felt wrong, even to him. Maybe he could warn the alliance, and they could take care of it?
Joker's annoying voice interrupted his thoughts. "Commander, we have a rear Admiral Kahoku on the line who says he wants to speak to you. He has urgent news. Should I put him through to the comm room?"
Ah, just what he needed. Shepard could tell this rear Admiral and be done with it. "Put. Him. Through," Shepard ordered.
"Sheesh," Joker replied as he patched Kahoku through to the comms room. He really wondered what went down in Shepard's meeting with the council.
Shepard waited for the hologram to appear, tapping his foot on the floor as he returned to parade rest. "Commander, a pleasure to finally meet you. Humanity's first spectre, it's an honor."
He hated the praise. "Yes, yes, thank you, admiral. I heard you had urgent news?"
"Yes, I do. One of my ships has gone missing, and my men along with it. I've been trying to get the alliance or the council to investigate, but I've been ignored. Given your proximity to the Artimus Tau cluster, I thought you could do me a favor and see what happened to my men."
"What were they out doing?" Shepard asked.
"I…I sent them to investigate a distress beacon. But it's been far too long since they reported back."
Orders. More fucking orders. "Send the coordinates to my pilot and I'll take care of it, admiral." If Kahoku cared so much for his men, why didn't he go out and do it himself? Higher-ups, sitting behind desks, always too afraid to do the work that they sent their men to die in the thousands for.
"Sir, are you sure Joker can't just put us down?" Ashley asked, not too excited about having to drop from the sky in the Mako.
"Scared?" Shepard asked back as he laughed sadistically.
He hit the accelerator on the Mako and it dropped over the edge. They fell straight down like, well, a tank would. Falling through the sky, feeling almost weightless, Shepard felt a sense of freedom, as if he was a bird. Ashley and Kaiden did not share his feelings, as evidenced by the look of concern and… was Ashley going to throw up? Shepard laughed again, enjoying the sight of their displeasure as he engaged the thrusters, slowing their descent. Eventually, the Mako reached the ground and bounced once or twice as it landed.
Shepard put the transmission into drive, and the Mako jumped forward as he floored the accelerator. Yep, Garrus' improvements really did make this thing drive better. He wondered what other neat tricks the turian might have up his sleeve to improve the Mako; he kinda felt guilty for shutting Garrus down, but it did not matter to him. Keep focused on the task at hand; you are a soldier; emotionless; you follow your orders; those below me follow my orders. Shepard looked down at the navigation system in front of him. He'd landed a little more than two clicks away from the distress beacon, which would be the first place he would look for the missing soldiers. It should have been a short drive weren't it for the hills and valleys that blocked his path.
He climbed the last hill and he zoomed in with the Mako's optics. He could see the distress beacon out on the planes of dirt and sand. Bingo. "Eyes on the target. Get ready, we have no idea what we may…" Shepard started to say as the ground began to shake beneath him. Initially, he still wasn't very concerned, it could have just been an earthquake. But his eyes almost popped out of his sockets as he saw a monstrous form rise out of the ground, one that he never wanted to see again. "THRESHER MAW!" he screamed as he slammed the Mako into full reverse and sent them back over the hill. He reached the base of the hill, turned around, and started to speed away as fast as possible, leaving trails of dust in the air. Few things could scare Shepard. But the fear of Thresher Maws had been so ingrained in him from that day; it had taken everything from him, the only real acquaintances, even friends, he had ever allowed himself to have. At night, when his eyes were closed and he reached the point of semi-consciousness, the screams and the smell of dead bodies would jolt him back awake. It had been the moment in his life that had really broken him: it showed him the futility of human life, how fragile, ephemeral, and meaningless it all was. And now, it was back. For all Shepard knew, it was back to finish the job started on Akuze and kill the last survivor.
"Commander, what the hell are you doing?" Kaiden demanded.
"That's a Thresher Maw! Do you know what that thing can do?" he cried. "Call the Normandy for an orbital strike, now!" he requested, delusional. The scared and afraid Shepard that had been buried long ago had resurfaced for once. The little kid from the streets was back; the one who ran when things got too tough; the one who didn't want to kill people as a pass time; the one who cried his eyes out when he had to take an innocent life. Shepard's eyes were erratic, darting from side to side, exactly like a child's would when they lost their parent in the middle of a busy street.
"That would destroy the site, and maybe kill Kahoku's men if they are still there," Ashley countered.
Shepard didn't want to hear it. His survival instincts had long ago taken over, and they told him to run like hell. "Shepard, stop this thing for a second," Kaiden demanded.
Nothing.
"Commander!"
Shepard hit the brakes, hard, and the Mako slid to a rough stop. Without the sound of the engines running at full throttle, Shepard could hear the sound of his own breathing: erratic and shallow. Ashley couldn't believe it; the commander was scared shitless.
Kaiden knew of Akuze, but he never thought Shepard had been this scared by it. So scared, in fact, that the cruelest and most effective soldier he had ever met was running away. "What are you doing?"
"That… thing… It's going to kill us all if we don't get out of here. I know what happened to Kahoku's men now, I've seen it before! You don't understand, you'd never understand…" he cried. What scared Kaiden the most about Shepard was the tone of his voice. Shepard sounded like a crazy man straight out of a mental asylum; well, in some regards, maybe he was. But Shepard was tough as nails, no one could deny that.
"Hey, get a hold of yourself. What's gotten into you?" Ashley demanded.
Shepard took a deep, shuddering breath before responding. "It's just…that…I…"
Kaiden interrupted him. "It's alright, I know."
They sat there for a minute or two, doing nothing. Nobody said a word. It gave Shepard enough time to collect himself. Had he really just run away? He couldn't believe himself. He was embarrassed. This thing killed his entire squad on Akuze, and he honored them by running away like a coward, as he'd always done in his life. The terror in Shepard's eyes was replaced by anger and hatred towards the thresher maw. Gradually, the innocent and confused little kid was submerged back into the darkest depths and recesses of his mind; Shepard the maniac was back and in control; the one who killed his way through problems and enjoyed the sight of agony.
"Lieutenant, take the wheel. Give me the main gun. We're going back in. And killing that thing," ordered Shepard.
"Wait, aren't we going to form a plan first, now that you drove us all the way out here?" Ashley asked, a little surprised at his 180-degree turn.
"Ya, blow its fucking head off. Dodge the acid. And don't get eaten," Shepard replied as he sat in the gunner's seat.
He was going to put this over-grown worm down. "Let's get moving, Alenko."
Kaiden could only shake his head. The Shepard everyone knew so well was back. Maybe, after all, he wanted the Shepard that would run away in terror. He thought running away was one thing but running back in without a plan was a completely different bag of crazy. Alas, he shouldn't have expected any better. Kaiden turned the Mako around and made for the sight again. When they reached the peak, Shepard readied the main gun, ensuring it was operational.
Kaiden slowly rolled down the hill, not wanting to rush in like the commander wanted. There had to be a strategy to avoiding the thresher maw, if only he could find it. The ground underneath them began to shake with increasing intensity. Kaiden sped up the Mako, and it barely cleared the earth from which the maw burst out. It roared into the sky before shooting out a stream of green liquid.
"Dodge the acid. Dodge the acid!" Shepard cried, remembering what it could do. He swiveled the gun around and fired, but the shot went wide. It would be another dozen seconds before he could fire, so all he could do was pelt it with machine-gun fire, causing it to retreat back underground. Once the creature was gone, Kaiden slowed down the Mako.
"What the fuck are you doing? Keep driving or that thing is going to eat us!"
"I have a plan, commander. Trust me. If I time it right, we can avoid it from eating us."
Shepard growled, an odd sound for a human to make, but one nobody was surprised to hear from him. He did not trust easily, mostly because it never worked out. But the ground began to shake again, and he knew that he did not have the time to argue with Alenko. Shepard did put him at the wheel, after all.
The ground beneath the Mako shook with greater intensity, but Alenko still waited. Just when Shepard felt that the Thresher Maw was right underneath them and that he should whack the lieutenant over the head, Alenko put the pedal to the floor. The Mako was sent flying forward just as the Maw burst from the ground. Shepard fired the cannon at the same time as the thresher maw opened its mouth to spit acid, almost at point blank range. The round hit its mouth and exploded inside of its head. Its skull blew up, and massive chunks of its armor-plating and flesh showered the ground. The main column of its body remained upright, sticking out of the ground for another couple of seconds; and then, like a falling tree, it started to fall down, slowly at first, but eventually hit the ground with a massive thud. One of the mandibles was still attached to what remained of the head and twitched every now and then. The thresher maw, it would seem, was dead.
"Ha hah!" cheered Shepard, "that's what you fucking get you fucking overgrown worm. That's for Charlie squad!" He hadn't felt this happy in a long time. To finally kill one of these things made him feel powerful. He jumped out of the Mako and started running toward its dead body. He neared one of the parts of its head, carefully tip-toeing around the acid. He grabbed the massive mandible and smiled; it was the smile of a psychopath. He trailed the mandible to its end, where it was nothing more than a fine point, and broke a piece off; it was no larger than his arm. He made his way back to the Mako. Once he got inside, he deposited the mandible on the floor beneath his seat; he would have to remember to retrieve it back on the Normandy.
"Alenko, get us to the beacon now. Hopefully, there are no more surprises."
Shepard rotated the gun around, scanning the horizon to ensure that nothing else would pop out of the ground, but the coast was clear. Alenko stopped the Mako in front of the beacon. "We've arrived commander," he informed Shepard.
Shepard hopped out of the Mako again and approached the beacon. The first thing he saw was the bodies. His bravado and cathartic rage instantly left him. He saw a pair of armored legs on the opposite side, missing the upper body. Another soldier had been melted by acid and reeked of corroded flesh. Shepard's mood dipped again. The thresher maw had done this. "Alenko, get over here and inspect this beacon. Now!"
Alenko got out of the Mako and followed the commander. He connected his omnitool to the beacon. "Commander, this thing isn't assigned to any specific group. I can't tell who set it up."
"Can you find out the reason it was set up for, at least?" Shepard asked.
Alenko took another minute to inspect the beacon before he returned to the commander with more mysterious news. "No reason as to why it was set up. But that begs the question, why was it set up?"
To Shepard, this situation felt all too familiar. Soldiers being called over to investigate a mysterious incident. Thresher maw attacks. And he knew what came next: spec-ops soldiers. Whoever orchestrated Akuze was still out there. "Kaiden, get the dog tags. We're leaving." And he would find them, eventually.
Shepard was back in the Normandy's comm room. For once, he was somber and sad. But he had a ray of hope: the mother fuckers were still out there. He would find them and execute them all. His shoulders slumped. How would he find those responsible? He had no clues, other than the dog tags of dead soldiers. He'd had Tali examine the memory core of the beacon when he brought it back to the Normandy, but that provided nothing useful. His pessimistic thoughts were interrupted when the hologram appeared in front of him. Admiral Kahoku's face was there. Shepard could see the worry in his eyes; this man genuinely cared, odd. His beard was rough and unshaven, almost as if he'd neglected himself.
"Commander, did you find any of them? What happened?" Kahoku's eyes pleaded for good news. News Shepard knew he didn't have.
"I'm sorry to report commander," Shepard started to say, "that your men did not survive."
Kahoku was quiet for a while. He took his hat off his head and held his hand to his chest. "This… is terrible, commander. I regret to inform their families of this news."
Shepard nodded his head. He lacked sympathy for the most part, but he couldn't help but feel a bit sad; only a little though. Kahoku continued: "If I may ask, do you know what happened?"
What happened?! He broke loose. "It was a fucking trap. That beacon was a trap designed to lure them there. While they investigated the beacon, a thresher maw attacked them!"
"How do you know it was a trap?" the admiral asked, a bit stunned.
"I've seen this before. I was on Akuze when my entire squad was killed by thresher maws. We were also lured out under mysterious circumstances. I believe whoever is behind the attack on your men is the same person responsible for Akuze."
The admiral crossed his arms, frustrated. He wasn't sure what to do next. But he had to find answers. "Commander, I will investigate this matter, personally. I will find those who are responsible, and they will be brought to justice."
Shepard scoffed at the admiral's reply. "I've tried that already. It's a dead end." Even then, he still very much doubted that an admiral would take the time to investigate the deaths of a few lowly soldiers.
"Have faith, commander. If I find anything, you will be the first to know," promised Kahoku. "Goodbye, commander," he added before the hologram terminated.
It was three A.M., at least on the ship's time. Shepard couldn't sleep, not after today. He reflected on what had happened. He was still shocked that he had run from the thresher maw. Why had he run? His mind flashed back to the events of the fateful night on Akuze.
"We follow our orders, we finish the mission," John said. The determination he imbued in his tone, however, was almost non-existent in his mind. We're all going to fucking die tonight.
"Maybe Alvarez was right. Now that it's gone, we can hide from it, save ourselves" asked Lockner.
Bending over and placing his hands on his knees, John took a couple of good breaths. Turning his head as he panted, he looked over what was left of Alvarez's body. He couldn't even make out the shape of a body anymore, it was just a puddle of green and red ooze. "Negative…that's not an option."
John stood up and ordered his remaining men. "We have a job to do.
Yes, he was told good soldiers followed orders. He'd refused to run. And his men died that night. They died because of him, because he thought he could kill anything that came across his path, even though that was impossible. That's why he'd run today. He'd come across the one enemy he'd never been able to kill. Running, it made him feel weak and helpless; he hated it. He was supposed to be so much more. He was John fucking Shepard, N7 alliance marine. He was the man who stared death in the face a thousand times over and told it to go fuck itself. He picked up the piece of the mandible he'd taken from the thresher maw and twirled it on his desk. It had been a piece of a deadly instrument; and now, it was nothing more than a crude dagger taken from a worm missing its head. Shepard found it funny how a beast of such power and destruction could be reduced to nothing so easily and wondered if that would be his fate when his day came. And just like the thresher maw, he would lay defeated on a forgotten battlefield, with the only memories held of him being anger and hatred. Was this what awaited him? He tossed the dagger onto his bed and stood up from his chair. He needed a drink to clear his head. Did they still stock soft drinks in the mess? Time to find out.
He opened the door. It was so quiet. All he could hear was that the background noise of the ship's engines. Perfect, the last thing he wanted to see was another person. He stepped forward and turned towards the mess, only to find his assumption wrong. Why was the quarian here? Was it too much to ask to be alone?
"You do know you're on duty at 0800, right?"
The quarian, who had been sitting quietly at the table, looked up in shock. "Commander!"
"Well?" he responded.
Realizing she had never answered his question, she responded. "Ya, ya I know. It's just I couldn't sleep."
Shepard narrowed his eyes. "Something wrong with the sleeper pod?"
"Yes, well no, I mean not exactly," she mumbled. "It's…it's fine, nothing to worry about."
"Sure. But I don't want the engine room on my ship blowing up because you didn't get enough shut-eye," Shepard replied.
Tali tilted her head to the side. "Well, it's too quiet," she stated simply.
"Too quiet?" he repeated. Shepard couldn't contain his laughter. "It's too quiet? When's the last time anyone's complained about that!" Then, he started to make fun of her. "What do you want me to do. Start target practice drills at midnight?!" In his delirium, he collapsed to his knees on the floor, barely able to breathe. His jokes weren't even that funny, but at a time when he found the world so trivial, he couldn't help but laugh.
Tali looked back down at the table. She'd been expecting to be taken seriously by the commander, not laughed at. Why did nobody respect her? Why were quarians deemed to be treated less than any other species? Was it because of the geth or the stupid suits? Or was it simply because she was a quarian? "Where I come from, if a subordinate brings an issue to a commanding officer, they usually listen and try to address it. I find it doubly ironic that you asked for the issue to be brought to you."
Her abrupt roast made him suddenly stopped laughing. He collected himself off the floor and stood up straight. Uh-oh. Why did I have to say anything? They always said not to say anything back to other species. Now, I'm going to get kicked off this ship, or worse, and…
"Fine. But it still begs the question: I mean, what the hell? It doesn't make any sense. I'm not even sure I can help you with that," Shepard stated. She'd expected for him to tear her head off and throw her out the airlock. Well, he was still being a dick about it, but at least he wasn't mad.
"Well, I mean, it's complicated and weird and…" she began to say.
Shepard threw open the supply closet. Ordinarily, only the mess deck officer was allowed here, but he was the captain; well, technically. He searched around until he found what he was looking for: the last bottle of cream soda, a childhood favorite. It always gave him a sense of nostalgia. "Well, I'm sure it can't be any weirder than my life."
"You mean the one you're so secretive about?" she replied sarcastically.
Shepard chuckled again, which the quarian wasn't expecting. He knew he was crazy, and he didn't care. "Yep, that one."
She collected her thoughts before speaking. "Well, as I told you before, quarians live on a fleet of ships," she began. She really hoped she wouldn't reopen the conversation from last time, where he basically tried to justify what had happened to them. "A lot of these ships are hundreds of years old. Most of them are breaking down, and a lot of the equipment is old and has been repaired more times than I can count. So, the ship's machinery is always really noisy."
"Must be annoying. Can't imagine living with all that noise. It'd probably drive me fucking insane," Shepard interrupted. He took a swig of his drink, wiped his mouth, and then burped. A soldier's etiquette. Tali, for once, was glad that she wore a mask with air filters.
"You'd think so. But you get used to it; you have to. Think of it like when humans live in the cities; you get used to all the noise of the cars; you get used to living in a skyscraper, even if you're scared of heights," she tried to explain.
"Sure," he replied. He got her analogy, except he wasn't the one in the skyscraper. No, he was the one living underneath the city in the streets full of garbage. That's where it made sense, getting used to things; like the smell of garbage and smoke, or the dim lights. She was right, you do have to get used to it.
The conversation ended, and they just sat there. Shepard's mind lost focus and he reminisced in his childhood; ah, the good times, he tried to tell himself. But were they good times, times when he was weak and powerless? What he missed most was the simplicity, a far cry from a world of spectres and politicians and military strategy.
His thoughts were interrupted by Tali again. "What's it like, you know, being a soldier?" She was curious at the prospects of her new profession, at least for the next couple of months.
Shepard's eyes focused again, and he held his soda with both hands, trying to bring his mind back from wandering. "Being a soldier, being a soldier," he whispered under his breath.
"You know those action movies, the ones you always see ads for? And the soldier saves the day, and everybody lives but the bad guy, and the soldier lives out his days in glory, fame, and happiness." Shepard shook his head vigorously; "that is not a soldier's life."
Shepard took another couple of seconds to collect his thoughts, the sum total of his experiences on the battlefield. It was not something he ever really reflected on as a total concept; he only ever thought about it in its constituent pieces: death, the chain of command, orders. "Being a soldier is dying for other people. Dying for their wars and political games. Your nothing more than cannon fodder, an afterthought. They cherish and praise you so you can die for them. That," he took a breath, "is my experience."
Tali looked down at her hands, saddened by this revelation. Shepard technically just shit on a bunch of her friends, even her father. Would this be my fate too if I stay here? she wondered. "But you don't need to worry about it. I mean, after you find your pilgrimage gift or we stop Saren, I'm assuming you wouldn't stay here. You have skills: you're an engineer and technician. You can leave and do something else. It's not your destiny."
"So what about you. Can't you leave and get another job if you wanted?" she asked curiously. It was clear to her that he did not enjoy what he did. But that begged the question: why did he remain here, then?
Shepard shook his head sadly. Ah, he was getting into his past, the thing he never enjoyed talking about. "No."
Tali looked at him expectantly. "Why?"
"Because," Shepard spat out, "I can't."
"Why?" she asked again. She reminded him of a child who'd ask their parents the same question over and over again, never satisfied with the answer. "Can't you go to college or something? You could even become an engineer or a doctor if you wanted. And then you wouldn't have to be a soldier. You clearly don't like what you're doing."
"Not possible. I'd never make it in."
"That doesn't make any sense. I mean, you can put council spectre on your resumé," she replied, "that'll get you in anywhere."
"It's cause I'm too dumb! I can barely read," he shouted. "Is that what you wanted to hear?" he asked, now in a quiet voice.
She remained silent. Shepard clearly had very little self-confidence. To be fair, she didn't have much either. But she was a quarian, and he was a human council spectre! He could achieve anything he wanted if he tried.
"I told you, being a soldier doesn't get you anything but superficial rewards," Shepard explained. "You'd think they'd be nicer to us when soldiers got out of the military," he added, "but the opposite is true. Sure, they're nice to you when you wear the uniform in public. But they refuse to higher you, even for the lowliest jobs. How are you any better than the dishwasher when all you know how to do is kill people? It's not a skill people are willing to pay for, not unless you want to become a criminal. And there is the trickery in all of this: when you kill for your government you're hailed as a hero, but when you kill for other people, you're called a criminal and hunted down." Shepard slammed his soda down on the table in anger; he still wasn't done with his rant. "So you see, they only respect a soldier when he does their bidding; like cattle being led to slaughter."
The mess was quiet for a second, and neither spoke. Shepard realized what he had done. He felt guilty for putting his problems on other people, but he couldn't contain himself. People always looking down on him, questioning him, doubting him! Oh, go do this and go do that and your life is going to be better! Fat chance. Oh, go to college or get another job. Life isn't fair; life doesn't work that way because it wasn't designed to! "I do not know, maybe it's just us humans who are like that. Maybe the quarians are different." What did he know about it? He was nothing more than a dumb soldier.
Shepard got up and left back to his quarters, leaving Tali to sit all alone again. It saddened her to see him so angry and depressed; it made her afraid for the people she knew, even if she'd never seen a quarian soldier act like this before. Did they all have this hidden side to them? In hindsight, she was the one who kept digging and asking questions. She was curious about his background, but she realized she had gotten more then she bargained for.
He was back in his quarters now. He returned to twirling the Thresher Maw's mandible. He felt worthless. I am worthless, his mind cried. He usually kept his thoughts to himself, but she had pushed him over the edge. Why this, why that, why, why, why? she had asked him. Shut the fuck up for once! Just let me be and dwell in my agony. He got up and stood in front of the mirror before taking off his shirt. He just looked at himself. The sickly yellow eyes crisscrossed by thin red veins; the bags under his eyes; his black, uncombed heir; the scraggly beard he'd neglected to shave for a couple of days now; the scars that covered his entire body; the contours of defined muscle; the blue and brown bruises that were still healing. He clenched his fists in anger. That man who stood in the mirror, whose permanent scowl had been embedded onto his face; that was him. He hated looking at him.